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What Your Silence Does To An Avoidant · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:08
  You think your silence isn't doing anything.
• 0:11
  You think they pulled away or broke up with me so they must be
• 0:15
  relieved, unbothered, maybe already moving on with your life
• 0:20
  while you're the one left to suffer.
• 0:22
  But no, that is not always what happens.
• 0:25
  Because when you stop chasing an avoidant, the silence starts
• 0:30
  doing something that they never expected.
• 0:33
  Of course, at first it's going to feel like relief, but after
• 0:36
  that it becomes the exact thing that forces them to confront
• 0:41
  what they lost, what they depended on, and what they were
• 0:45
  running from the entire time. So in this video, I'm going to
• 0:49
  tell you exactly what your silence does to an avoidant.
• 0:53
  So stay tuned if you're new here.
• 0:55
  Hi, my name is Lucia. I'm a dating and relationship
• 0:58
  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 1:02
  over your ex. And if you're not you, you're
• 1:05
  part of my no contact Army and welcome back.
• 1:07
  I hope you've been a good little soldier.
• 1:10
  All right, so you have to understand that when you get
• 1:13
  involved with an avoidant, there's this invisible script
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  running in the background. At first, everything feels
• 1:21
  promising, right? There's chemistry, there's
• 1:24
  interest, there's moments of closeness that make you think
• 1:27
  that this could become something real.
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  But then over time, you start noticing the wall.
• 1:36
  They hold back, they go cold, they become hard to read, and
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  they pull away just when things are getting closer.
• 1:44
  And because you're trying to make sense of it, you start to
• 1:47
  turn it inward. Maybe I said too much, maybe I
• 1:51
  expected too much. Maybe they're not as interested
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  as I thought. And that's where people get
• 1:57
  completely confused. Because when an avoidant pulls
• 2:01
  away or breaks up with you, it looks like indifference.
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  It looks like they don't care, like they just want distance and
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  freedom and an exit. But looks can be very misleading
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  here. Avoidance want distance, yes,
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  but they don't actually want you gone.
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  That's the paradox. They can feel overwhelmed by
• 2:24
  closeness, but they also become attached to what your attention
• 2:29
  does for them. Because your attention comforts
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  them. It validates them.
• 2:34
  It reassures them that they matter, that they're wanted,
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  that someone is still emotionally invested.
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  So while they're pushing you away on one level, they're also
• 2:44
  relying on your pursuit on another.
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  Yes, I know it's madding. And that's why this dynamic is
• 2:51
  so confusing. Because the very thing that they
• 2:54
  act burdened by is the very thing that's speeding them
• 2:59
  emotionally. They crave connection, but
• 3:02
  intimacy scares them. They want love, but control,
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  feel safer. They want closeness, but only
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  until closeness starts making them feel exposed.
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  So they keep you close enough to feel secure, but far enough away
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  to avoid being vulnerable. Now, another big part of this
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  dynamic is the mirror effect. When you care about someone, you
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  reflect something back to them. You reflect their value, their
• 3:31
  desirability, their best qualities.
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  And they see it in how happy you are to hear from them, how warm
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  you are when they show up, and how much emotional energy you're
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  investing in them. So when you keep pursuing an
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  avoidant, you're constantly handing them this mirror.
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  And as long as that mirror is there, they don't have to face
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  themselves. They don't have to sit with
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  their emotional unavailability, with how often they deliberately
• 4:00
  destroy closeness. They don't have to sit with the
• 4:03
  emptiness that comes after distance.
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  They can keep feeling like they're in control.
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  Your attention softens the blow. It keeps telling them, hey you,
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  you still matter, you're still wanted, you still have power
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  here. But the second you go silent,
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  that mirror breaks and suddenly they're left with the one thing
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  that they spend so much time in their life trying to avoid
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  themselves. And that's what your science
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  does. It doesn't just remove pressure,
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  it removes protection. And by the way, if you're
• 4:41
  dealing with an avoidant or with any type of X and you would like
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  my help personally to get your X back, you can contact me at
• 4:49
  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
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  They're not on the website and the clickable link is underneath
• 4:56
  every single video and podcast. OK, let's get back to that
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  invisible script I mentioned. So most avoidance are not
• 5:04
  reacting only to you. They're reacting to old fears,
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  old defenses, old wiring. But that doesn't mean that you
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  weren't pulled into the pattern, because once they start
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  distancing, you likely started compensating.
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  They pulled away, you leaned in, they got colder, you tried
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  harder, they became inconsistent.
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  You looked for reassurance. They withdrew.
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  You chased not because you're weak, but because you were
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  activated. Their behavior triggered your
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  own fears about worth, lovability, and loss.
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  So now both people are reacting from their wounds, and both
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  people think the other one is to blame.
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  In your mind, they're cold, inconsistent, selfish,
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  impossible to trust. In their mind, you're too
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  emotional, too needy, too demanding, too much.
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  But usually the bigger problem is the script.
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  They feel overwhelmed, so they run.
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  You feel abandoned, so you pursue.
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  They feel more pressure, so they withdraw harder.
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  You feel more panic, so they push more and the connection
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  gets destroyed by the pattern. This is why no contact changes
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  everything. This is exactly why chasing
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  never fixes this, because the more you chase, the less they
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  have to confront losing you. They stay focused on escape and
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  getting relief from your emotions.
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  So even if they care, they're not really dealing with the
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  loss, they're dealing with the intensity.
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  That's why walking away matters. Not to manipulate them or punish
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  them or play games, but because it's the only way to interrupt
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  the script. And once you stop chasing, they
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  can't organize the whole relationship around escaping you
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  because you're not chasing them. And by the way, if you would
• 6:53
  like some help with not chasing them and staying in no contact,
• 6:58
  you can check out my apps Silencio, which is available in
• 7:01
  both the App Store and on Google Play.
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  And the link to that is underneath every single video
• 7:05
  and podcast. And you can also check out my
• 7:07
  book No Contact Secrets, available of course, at
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 7:15
  you purchase the book. OK, so as I was saying.
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  So now they have to face something else.
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  Your absence. Now, at first avoidance are not
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  going to feel your absence. As I said earlier, they feel
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  reliefs. The pressure's off, the
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  expectations are gone. The emotional debt feels lifted.
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  They can breathe again. And this is where a lot of
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  people start to panic and they ruin everything because they
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  sense that relief and they think, see, I knew it, they
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  never cared. No, that first wave of relief is
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  real, but it's temporary. Because relief isn't the same as
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  peace. Relief just means that the
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  stimulus is gone. It doesn't mean the attachment
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  is gone. And once the nervous system
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  settles down, something else starts creeping in.
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  The silence. And this is where your silence
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  starts doing it's real work. Because at first they were
• 8:07
  focused on your neededness, but now they're forced to deal with
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  your absence. At first they were focused on
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  escaping the intensity, and now they're left with what's
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  missing. And when your attention
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  disappears, they lose the thing that they've been quietly using
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  to regulate the whole time. And they probably didn't even
• 8:24
  know it. You were the dopamine hit.
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  You were the validation. You were the 1 still showing up
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  no matter how much they pushed you away.
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  And now all of that's gone, and their internal structure starts
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  to wobble. And here's the irony.
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  They thought that distance would protect them, but now the very
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  strategy that they trusted most starts creating the exact
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  suffering they were trying to avoid.
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  Because when your silence gets loud, they're no longer buffered
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  by your presence, by your attention, or your pursuit.
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  They're left alone with the self they kept running back to for
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  safety. But if they're not healed,
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  that's not peace, that's fear. That's loneliness.
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  That's old pain. So the place they ran to for
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  protection starts to feel like a prison.
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  So now they're not reacting to your presence anymore.
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  They're haunted by your absence. And that's a very different
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  emotional experience. That's why you have to stay in
• 9:27
  no contact. So instead of viewing you only
• 9:30
  as a source of pressure, they start remembering the good
• 9:33
  moments. They remember how safe you made
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  them feel. Your warmth, your loyalty, your
• 9:37
  consistency, your emotional generosity.
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  And with time, the mind starts to soften painful memories and
• 9:44
  highlight the emotional comfort. So they stop focusing only on
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  what felt overwhelming, and they start remembering what felt
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  good. And this is when the pedestal
• 9:55
  that they're standing on starts to crumble.
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  Because now they're not being chased anymore.
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  Now they're not in control of the connection.
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  Now they're the one who has to wonder, well, do they still
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  care? Are they moving on?
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  Did I lose someone important? Will I ever get them back?
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  And when they realize they're not over you, that's when many
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  avoidance start spiraling internally.
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  Not necessarily outwards or dramatically, but intimidately.
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  Yes, because now they have a problem that they cannot solve
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  through distance because they thought that pulling away would
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  bring peace, and instead it created a different kind of
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  pain. And when that emotional crash
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  happens, the brain starts looking for what's missing and
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  starts circling back to the person who used to make them
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  feel grounded, wanted, and emotionally safe.
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  And that person is you. And that's when curiosity turns
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  into longing, and that's when silence starts working in your
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  favor instead of against you. And this is when they might
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  begin to realize that you were never the burden that they made
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  you out to be. In their mind, you were the
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  person who kept loving them while they were busy defending
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  themselves from love. But you got to keep this in
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  mind. Missing you is not enough.
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  Just because an avoidant misses you, it doesn't mean that
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  they're ready for a healthy relationship.
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  Because missing you is not the same as changing, and reaching
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  out is not the same as being ready.
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  And some avoidance do come back, but they come back for different
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  reasons. Some come back because they
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  truly realized your value. Some because they hated losing
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  access, or their egos bruised, or because silence makes them
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  anxious, or because they want relief but not repair.
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  So that's why your standard has to be higher than, oh, they
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  contacted me. Oh, I want them to contact me.
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  No, it has to be beyond that. The real question is, are they
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  willing to come back with intention?
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  Are they willing to be clear, to take accountability, to do the
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  work that's required, to stop repeating this vicious cycle?
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  Because if they want a future with you, they don't just need
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  to reach out, they need to earn you back.
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  So if you were wondering what your silence does to an
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  avoidant, don't assume it's not doing anything.
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  A lot of the time, your silence is the first thing that truly
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  forces them to feel the loss. They may not admit it, they may
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  not show it, they may not even understand what the heck is
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  happening to them. But once you stop chasing, the
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  script starts to break. And when the script breaks,
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  they're no longer dealing with your presence, they're dealing
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  with your absence. And for an avoidant, that can be
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  way more destabilizing than they ever expected.
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  So now I'd like to hear from you.
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  Do you have any questions or comments about anything I've
• 12:41
  said in this video? And in the meantime, be sure to
• 12:44
  subscribe so you don't miss out on future videos or podcasts.
• 12:49
  And remember, love inspires and powers of lives and enlightens.