Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Wife Thinks You're Defensive, Difficult, Or Argumentative

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When Your Wife Thinks You're Defensive, Difficult, Or Argumentative · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
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Psych mom, show today, I'm going to talk about when men are
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really strong-willed and know their own mind and are really
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good at debating AKA why women tell me that their husbands are
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aggressive, argumentative, difficult, and like, Toddlers
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and defensive. So those are kind of the two
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ways that men think about themselves versus what their
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wives actually think about this same behavior.
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And I will tell you about how this manifests when men act like
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this men act like this, more than women do in my experience,
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not like women can't debate, obviously they can and I'll get
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into that. But there is a certain kind of
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aggressive tone that men, don't they really underestimate how
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how badly women react to it and sometimes they even think that
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women like it. So I really want to clear that
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up because it's a common Dynamic, I see in couples
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counseling and on the internet, quite The more stuff that I
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write, the more like, men drop into my comments with the same
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kind of, like, pedantic man, splaining tone.
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And I know women could try to explain stuff too, but it's
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never exactly the same feel or not in my experience.
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And it really does parallel a lot of the Dynamics that I see
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within couples that are struggling that come into my
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office virtually. And before I do that, please do
1:31
subscribe. I have a lot of subscriber, only
1:34
it's Odes out, and it helps keep me going presenting.
1:39
The doctor psych mom, show every week.
1:41
And lots of topics about sex relationships, parenting, and
1:47
just kind of had to get along better with each other and know
1:50
yourself better. To, I have ones on needs and
1:52
boundaries on empathy on oral sex on.
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Women got to get that one in every time, etc, etc.
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All right. So and most recently was
2:02
sacrificing within relationships.
2:04
That was a pretty interesting one.
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Because so many people act like any cell sacrifices bad nowadays
2:09
in that could not be further from the truth as I explore Kate
2:13
in that episode. So anyway, so let's turn to this
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whole strong-willed / defensive thing so so like okay, so it's
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funny because I write for medium now and one of my articles that
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I reposted for my site was men, here's what women think about
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all day, nine things, the last one is or somewhere.
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Somehow I say no, it's not on this list.
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You like women. Don't think about you and sex
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with you nearly as much as you think they do with in monogamy.
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They think about sex. Basically when they're having
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sex and when they're ovulating, and this is funny because like
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men came in to be like, oh no, this isn't true man.
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What do you know? I'm telling you about women,
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with if a man said, here's what men think about.
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They think about screwing, the Starbucks Barista, then about
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school, The woman on the Metro then about screwing their
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co-worker, and I was about screwing their wife in between.
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I'm not going to be like, no, you're a dirty man.
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And that's not actually what men think about your just a pervert.
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What the hell do I know what I say is, oh, I learned something
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today, so, but like, there's a lot of men who don't do that,
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right? And so, what they say is, no,
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no, you're wrong. Because let me tell you, my wife
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tells me, she thinks about doing me. 47 after 20 years of
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marriage. Now, listen, Maybe 1% of guys,
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is this is right for most of these most mostly though this
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man who's aggressively telling me that I'm wrong on the
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Internet is probably partner to a woman who thinks he is such a
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windbag and and he comes to her approval seeking constantly and
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reassurance seeking, because this type of personality is
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always a mask for deep. Security, right?
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But so he's like this, this can't be right, right?
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How much you think about sex with me all the time, right?
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Like constantly, right. And she's like, here we go.
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Yes. Yes, sweetheart, I think,
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constantly. I think about it, constantly.
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The only reason we haven't done it in 12 years, this, you know,
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the vagina issue we talked about, you know, we're like, it
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doesn't work anymore and he's like, oh yeah, yeah.
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But you think about it all the time, right?
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She's like, oh yes, sweetheart. I do so.
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So I'm making it funny, but this is Actually, the way that women
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interact with men, who just seem to want to only hear their own
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way. So, if a man is close-minded,
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this is how comes off to women. So the man-made think he's an
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expert debater, super good Devil's Advocate women hate
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Devil's Advocate. I've written about that and real
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strong-willed, man. Who knows his own mind and what
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is the woman think? When partnered to such a man,
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she thinks he's completely rigid and closed-minded.
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He only wants to know his View. He will argue me to the ends of
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the Earth and because he could Outlast me with physical debate
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stamina, he thinks he wins, he's arguments, but I just go away in
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my head and I think about the fork in the road when I could
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have married someone else which is literally what women do.
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They'll be like, how did I get myself into this situation where
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I gotta listen to this shit all the time.
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This basically a tantrum about that I think differently than
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him. So many women will just start to
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go along with it until they eventually leave or they
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eventually just kind of emotionally leave just detach
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from the situation. So this argumentativeness is
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never something that women like it's just not, you know.
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So even if for your whole job you like debate people and you
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argue or whatever. When you're at home you should
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probably try to think of it differently.
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This causes like a big release of cortisol in women, especially
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if they grew up in a home with a lot of Conflict because like you
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know, like I'll see it happen in couples counseling.
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Like the woman will say something like, you know, I get
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I get too tired at night and that's why we don't have sex,
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right? And he's like yeah but you know
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you're not too tired to do this. You're not too tired to do that.
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You're not too tired to do moms night.
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You're not too tired. What is he winning?
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Does he think he's going to convince her that she's not
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tired? So obviously in couples
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counseling beadwork on wisely, Man acting in such as
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self-sabotaging way that she's trying to tell him something and
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instead of listening and hearing her, and then we could
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potentially come up with Solutions together in the room.
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He's debating her and he's arguing.
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So when and then, what did she do?
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She closes down. Because she's like, well, shit,
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you know, he's not going to hear me.
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So as usual, it's his way or the highway, so it's no way.
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So frequently the way that people interact with very
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defensive argumentative people is they just shut down.
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So the Beta thinks they Wan but yet somehow they didn't win the
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war because they didn't win what they're actually.
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They didn't win the person's respect their very much trying
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to get respect men. In this situation.
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They have this fantasy that like there are going to somehow
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introduce new data. Add new value in the woman is
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going to look at them with new respect.
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It's the opposite. She thinks here we go again.
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It's like when my toddler is arguing that they don't want a
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carrot because Cuz they only eat orange food.
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And I keep saying it carrot is orange and they can't hear me
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because they're two years old. That's how it seems to debate
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with somebody who's just so solely focused on getting their
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point across that anything that you say they don't even really
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hear you. And when men do this versus
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women, it can come off especially to a woman as very
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aggressive and dangerous even because the voice gets louder,
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it's more of a kind of rant. Is style.
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And if a woman was ever exposed to conflict in the home, it's
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going to trigger basically. A trauma response where she goes
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into fight flight or freeze and so women that are initially
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drawn to men, like this frequently, it's their Imago.
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So they had like a dad or maybe a mom, who granted in this
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yelling, kind of way where they never listen to anybody else.
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And then, the guy did this a couple times of the courtship
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maybe was directed to other people.
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Maybe she didn't even notice it as it was happening as being
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similar, but then they get married and years later, it gets
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directed toward her and she completely shuts down because
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she already feels from her upbringing.
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She feels a lot of anxiety and fear around a male acting
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aggressive in this way. And so frequently, the man does
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not mean to be coming off as aggressive.
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He's really like the situation where the man is arguing house.
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His wife is at night, he's feeling abandoned and alone and
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sad, but he doesn't come off set.
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He comes off mad and an angry male leads to a very fight or
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flight trauma oriented response in most women, it is allowed
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large person. You're supposed to be scared of
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an angry email. Evolutionarily, that's a
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situation. You want to get the hell away
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from? That's not a safe situation.
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So evolutionarily, Woman that is around a aggressive male.
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She tries to get the hell away from him, and that's going to be
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done either emotionally, by just dissociating going somewhere
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else in your head or it's going to be done in some other real
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fight or flight way. Like she rages back at you
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because that's how she could feel safe in that situation.
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So, do I think there's no Angry women?
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Of course, there's angry women. They don't seem to cause the
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same fear response in their Partners.
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The You know, the men are mostly like, it's their sad.
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Like they get like passive and sad.
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Like they feel like the woman doesn't love them anymore, but
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they don't usually have this response that and these men may
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never do anything violent. They really may not.
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But evolutionarily the woman's body is responding like the man
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is going to perpetrate Violence by continuing to hammer away on
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a point that they are debating and asking endless questions.
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And oh yeah. So if you're not tired at night,
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then when will or if you're tired at night, then when aren't
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you tired? Because the last time that I
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asked in the morning, you said and it's this duck.
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Dada, dada, dada, this kind of ranting voice, totally the man
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heard this at home. I'm not saying this comes out of
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nowhere, men who act this way frequently had angry fathers and
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they are subconsciously acting like those men.
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It's interesting because of that ever, if I ever say anything
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like, who talk to you like you're talking right now, too.
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Why? They'll if they have the true
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desire to change frequently, they'll say my dad and that is
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usually a very uncomfortable realization because many men in
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a prior generation when they were children was a prior
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generation were a couple with fathers who would hit them to,
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you know, like you didn't just get angry and yell most men that
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generation that would get that angry and aggressive.
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Also hit the kids or punish them in some real harsh.
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Way that potentially, you know, led to even an estrangement
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between this now man and his father or at least a lot of
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resentment. So these men don't want to be
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like their fathers didn't want anything like that.
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So there's a lot of Shame and acting like that and there could
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be a lot of change if that's pointed out.
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Now there's some men that don't act aggressive because they saw
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somebody acting aggressive but because they literally have they
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are. So they feel so hopeless.
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They getting their point across as so they're trying to use
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techniques that work with other men like in the boardroom at
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work whatever and they're not understanding that this just
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makes their wives more and more detached scared and just you
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know, just just not even willing to play ball at all because they
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are. So resentful that the man is
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acting in this way. So, what's a way to act, instead
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open-minded open-minded is 1000 times different And looking in
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at your own aggressive behavior, and being like, okay, if my wife
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has ever said that, I'm aggressive difficult defensive.
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So like the woman brings something up and he's like, I
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didn't do that. I only did that because you did
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this, that sort of stuff, anything like that, the opposite
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of all of those things has open-minded.
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So in the case, where the woman says, I'm too tired to have sex
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at night. The man could be like, oh, I
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hear that, you know? So do you think there's any
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other times, you know, like that we would be able to do it?
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Get it. You're really tired at night,
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the totally different voice, it's a declarative sentence.
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It's not like haranguing the person to change their mind that
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admit that they're actually wrong, which does not work.
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Or if it's the case, where the man is defensive.
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So the woman breaks up the up, you know, I don't think that you
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should yell so much at our kit. So usually a manly I don't yell
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you want to know who yells you? Yeah, I mean I raise my voice
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but I mean if you want to hear yelling like I'll really show
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you yelling but that wasn't yelling.
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So what? The woman think, does she think?
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Oh, good point. It wasn't yelling after all.
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I must revise my version of events.
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No, she thinks now he's having a tantrum because I told him he
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was yelling. Here we go.
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And this is why I don't feel close AKA.
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Why we don't have sex, you know, and so what would be more
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open-minded response. Be, I didn't even know I was
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yelling. I'm sorry.
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I didn't know what could come off as yelling.
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You know, tell me when I do it again or it must be honestly.
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I've been feeling really Stressed and I probably
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shouldn't have tried to play ball with him today, you know?
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Because it was gonna be a bad day for me, and him interacting
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the Sun and this hypothetical example.
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So, anyhow, there are lots of ways to have more open-minded
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responses. It's so interesting because I've
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written about this, but men who are more open-minded outside the
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bedroom. They get women who are more
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open-minded inside the bedroom. It's so funny man will come in
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and couples counseling be like she won't even listen to your
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stuff about responsive desire. I try to tell her about like,
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you know, responsive desire and how women operate different than
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men and how there's all these different ways we could work on
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our sex life. She won't even hear me.
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Well, gee that sounds terrible for that guy, right?
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Then we start talking in couples counseling and he's so
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close-minded. You know, this happens with many
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many people and so she'll be like, well, you know, I was
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thinking that maybe we could do XYZ, you know, for whatever, for
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parenting for socializing for finances.
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He'll be like, nope, we don't do it like that.
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I do it like this, and this is why now how's that?
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Any different from the woman being like I just don't want to
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have sex. I don't want to hear about
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responsive desire, that's not me, I don't care.
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Like if you are open-minded outside the bedroom and open to
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polite respectful discourse, your wife will probably be open
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to acting much more reciprocal and responsive about
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conversations about things that you value.
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Many of which four men involved sex, right?
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And involve the physical side of things.
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So this is just a way for you to think about it.
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If your web has ever called you any of these things, aggressive
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defensive difficult, any of those things think use my data
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here, what I'm giving you she probably feels very threatened
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and she looks down on you for the sort of response.
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So she feels angry, she feels your tantruming and if she has
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any experience with conflict in the home.
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She even feels re-traumatized. Listening to you go off and
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listening to Hammer home your point and what you think is such
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an incisive way. So this could be a good wake-up
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call to some people who struggle with this way of communicating.
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And it's an excellent one to share with your spouse.
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If you have ever called him difficult, or if he, or if you
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are the one who realizes that this may be how your wife
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actually thinks about you. All right, everybody have a
16:25
great day. Please subscribe and I'll talk
16:28
to you soon.