Latest / The Psychology of Relationships / Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?: Why Partnership Should Be a Choice, Not a Necessity w/ Simone Milasas and Brendon Watt

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Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?: Why Partnership Should Be a Choice, Not a Necessity w/ Simone Milasas and Brendon Watt · The Psychology of Relationships

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'm Julie Kraftcheck, and I'm UASU.
• 0:03
  [SPEAKER_03]: This is the Psychology of Relationships.
• 0:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: We're told that finding a relationship is the ultimate goal.
• 0:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: But what if a fulfilling life doesn't actually require one?
• 0:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: And what if choosing a relationship is less about needing someone and more about intentionally deciding what kind of partnership truly enhances your life?
• 0:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: In this episode, we're joined by Samo Miluses and Brendan Watt.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: Relationship educators and co-authors of relationship are you sure you want one?
• 0:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: Who experienced firsthand what it means to build
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: question and redefine partnership.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_03]: After creating what many would consider a successful relationship, they made the decision to consciously uncouple eight years later.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: Together, we explore why relationships are a choice, how to create a meaningful life, whether you're partnered or single, and what truly matters when you do choose to build a life with someone.
• 0:58
  [SPEAKER_03]: Because the healthiest relationships aren't built from a place of needing someone to complete us, they're built by two whole people who choose to grow together.
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: Remember to subscribe to the Psychology of Relationships on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you listen, and if this episode shifted how you think about relationships and connection, we'd love a rating or a review.
• 1:19
  [SPEAKER_03]: This is the psychology of relationships and you're listening to an
• 1:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: but we have some omelaces and Brendan Watt, they're the co-authors of the best selling book, relationship.
• 1:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: Are you sure you won't won such a great title?
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: This is such a great title, there's no, there's absolutely no sugar coating here, because there's none of that lovey double shit, just practical tips and tools.
• 1:44
  [SPEAKER_03]: and was inspired by their own relationship that they built together.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_03]: So here's a really interesting part.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_03]: Both of you were together in a relationship when you were writing the book and upon releasing the book, you decide to end your eight-year relationship.
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_03]: However, the same tools that you used to create a great relationship, you also used it to uncreat it.
• 2:05
  [SPEAKER_03]: So let's just get to that first with your own story.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_03]: Tell us a little bit about your relationship and how you two met.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: But we actually met at an access consciousness class.
• 2:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: So Brandon came along to a class and he came along and I thought he was cute.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Didn't really pay much more attention to him than that to tell you the truth.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like he was getting bombarded by all these girls and I was like, Yeah, you know.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then at one point Gary Douglas who's the founder of access consciousness said to me, I wanted to actually have sex with this other guy and he said to me, Why do you want to have sex with this guy?
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, because he's blah blah blah and came up with all these reasons.
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, Simone, he's an asshole.
• 2:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, and you want to have sex with him.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: You always look for these guys who are complete and utter assholes.
• 2:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he said, you know what?
• 2:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: You should have sex with someone like Brandon Moore.
• 2:54
  [SPEAKER_03]: Brandon, how much should you pay this guy?
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: We don't speak of that.
• 3:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: And Simone, at this point, when you first met Brendan, were you looking to be in a relationship where was your mind at?
• 3:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not really.
• 3:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had a huge sort of resistance relationship for a really long time.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: My point of view was always like,
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't see a good one, so why would I create one?
• 3:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: But that's also using other people's relationships as a reference point to what I could create.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I was really good at going, well, you know what?
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll hook up with this person for a while and then it's like, goodbye, you know, and so no, I definitely wasn't looking for a relationship.
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, I had pretty much committed to myself to never be in a long term relationship.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just didn't
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't, I didn't feel like I needed one.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've always been okay on my own, but I do like sex.
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, okay, so how do I work this out?
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Actually, if you've my friends used to call me the three month wonder, because I was like being in this relationship for three months and be like, I'm done and walk away.
• 3:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So Brandon's the longest.
• 4:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: long-term relationship that I've had.
• 4:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was really good at doing short ones.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Interesting.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Then Brandon, what was like year story?
• 4:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, what was your relationship history at this point?
• 4:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: What were you looking for and what were your impressions of Simone?
• 4:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: My relationship history at that point was train wreck, train wreck, train wreck.
• 4:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was in a long-term relationship with my son's mother, that 12 years, like I got into relationship when I got into that relationship with her when I was 19, she had two kids already, six years later my son was born, so it was like,
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: ever since I was very young it was like it was relationship relationship.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean I was out of that relationship and then met Simone six months later and it was like looking back on it now I realized that relationship for me was one of those things where if you didn't have one, there was something wrong with you You need a relationship if you don't have a relationship then you belong in the corner or something that it was like you're a leopard.
• 4:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah
• 4:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was so different with somebody, I mean, we both been in relationships that didn't work before, and it was like, and then we met each other, and we were both like, we were kind to each other, and we actually liked each other.
• 5:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I know for me, I was still waiting for the train to come, or waiting for the abuse to come, and it just wasn't there.
• 5:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: We both have, or we've always had that caring for each other.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it was just, it was really different from the start.
• 5:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to say with Brandon and myself too, it took us a while to even admit to each other that we were actually in a relationship.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: His mother actually stopped us one day and said, okay, I'm confused.
• 5:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need some help.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're like, well, she goes, I see the two of you together.
• 5:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if I'm going to ask relationship, I want one like you two.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: The way you guys are together is awesome.
• 5:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she has, but you say it's not a relationship.
• 5:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what the hell is it?
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's when we're
• 5:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: maybe we should start looking at the fact that we are in the relationship.
• 5:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is like two years can I tell you?
• 5:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: We were actually living together at the time.
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, what?
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was going to say the secret to a great relationship is not being in relationship.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, we're not thinking about that.
• 6:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: OK, so you guys were living together.
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: Can you kind of walk us through?
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because I know you guys were together for eight years.
• 6:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like you kind of started to tell us a little bit about your story and how it got off the ground.
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: So you're living together at this point.
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: You're not really in a relationship.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: How did you go from being in a relationship all the way to uncoupling?
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: The way that we started living together was I just started staying at Simone's house occasionally and then I was like and what did I say when that was you said to me one day you said you went honey I need somewhere to put my clothes and I went look to when I went are you moving in you went yeah I think so and that's how we moved in.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to say our whole eight years together was very much like that too.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like even when the apartment or was a townhouse that I was living in, I think you guys would call it a condo, and then Brendan said to me, you know what, I think we need to look for a bigger house because he had a child and a dog and my place wasn't big enough for the dog and the child.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I looked at him and I went, oh okay, and I said, so are you going to move out then?
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, okay, we can do that and so we did we moved into a bigger house so it was always very much like it was based on not having to be necessary and I get our whole years together It wasn't an necessity it was a choice and I think that's a really important aspect to get when you are in relationship because as soon as you make it this
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am now in a relationship, it's serious, it's significant, it means something, it has to exist tomorrow, and that's when you start to destroy it.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what we did was, and as you mentioned before, is we created it.
• 7:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: We created all the time, and we did like, we brought, you know, real estate together, we've got investments together, we created together, we did all of this, and there was a block of land that we brought on the beach here in Prajian Beach,
• 7:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: and we met with architects and we created this three story house that was going to be amazing, you know, it's the perfect house, perfect relationship sort of thing.
• 8:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: And looking back on that, the moment that we brought that block of land is when we sort of stopped creating our relationship and maintaining the perfection of, I guess this reality says, you know, it is a good relationship and we stopped creating it for the last year I would say, is that when you would say Brendan,
• 8:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think we were smart enough to say, I mean, Brendan's the one who broke the relationship up and I definitely did that, oh my god, you know, shock thing, but then when I looked at it, I went hang on a second, I'm not actually shocked.
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was just the brave one that chose to break the relationship up because we both still cared about each other, so it wasn't the easiest uncoupling and yet it wasn't difficult.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: We were like there was a one stage where you took a bottle of wine outside.
• 8:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we're okay, let's do this.
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's be willing to go and have World War III.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about everything that's up.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we drank a bottle of wine and we chatted and it was probably some of the best conversations that we've had because we were just willing to be so vulnerable with each other and say what was up or if something was barking else, et cetera.
• 9:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's so important to have that in a relationship even when you are breaking the relationship up.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you break the relationship up, not the people, it's one thing I've really got to,
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: make sure people get to, and it's not you, it's the relationship.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_03]: So here's a burning question because we have a lot of listeners who have never had a new relationship experience or haven't had extensive relationship experience.
• 9:30
  [SPEAKER_03]: So how would they even know if a relationship is right for them and how would they even know how to navigate one?
• 9:37
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• 10:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: Now, back to the show.
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_03]: So here's a burning question because we have a lot of listeners have never had any relationship experience or haven't had extensive relationship experience.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: So how would they even know if a relationship is right for them and how would they even know how to navigate one?
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: I would say if you haven't been in a relationship, that's definitely not a bad thing.
• 10:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Some of the people that are greatest in things in lives are the ones who haven't really done it much before, you know, they don't really have so much to prove, but one of the things with getting into relationship is really having a great one with yourself, because then you can get into a relationship and you know you're not looking for somebody to fulfill the needs that you can't give yourself, you know, you're not looking for somebody to fill up the gaps in your life, you're looking for somebody who can add to life.
• 11:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I would be looking at, okay, so where do I need somebody else to fulfill things in my life that I'm not fulfilling for myself?
• 11:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you've got that for yourself, you've got a much better chance at creating an amazing relationship.
• 11:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: But also, the other thing is really getting honest with yourself on what you're wanting a relationship.
• 11:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because we kind of meet someone that we just go, oh my god, then they're the one for me.
• 11:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's no question in that, so then we go into this relationship, then we go, why is it not working?
• 11:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why do I not like any of this stuff?
• 11:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, what were you boxing for before?
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: So really being honest with yourself and clear about it.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the thing with Simone and I when we got into relationship as well, it wasn't this, well they need to have this much money and they need to do this job and they need to, it wasn't a list of things like that.
• 12:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: But both of us, what we were boxing for was somebody
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Somebody who's actually had our back, somebody who added that energy in our life that makes your life greater.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: So here's my burning question.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: So if you guys have that right, why make the decision to end it?
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like what was kind of the deciding factor that this isn't something we can keep creating and it's better off to end it at this point.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're the one that broke up the relationship.
• 12:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 12:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: Someone's like, uh, I want to know the same thing.
• 12:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's been my burning question too.
• 12:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's getting up.
• 12:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, I'm kidding.
• 12:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, well, we got to a point where it just, it didn't have that excitement for the future of it anymore.
• 12:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's like,
• 12:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And even the way that we broke the relationship up, it's like, I was trading around things.
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if I had my time over again, I would have done it a lot different throughout my life, what I'd done to in order to get out of something was kind of just open the back door and run.
• 13:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I look at it now and go, wow, I actually wasn't my kindest moments.
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I think for both of us, we knew that there was, we just got into that sense, like Simone said with that house where
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: that if we have any normal in our lives we're both like um what this doesn't work we don't like normal we like being different and can I I want to I mean yes we put Brendan on the hot spot there and you know do well you did well we were actually having a chat the other day in saying we wouldn't be creating what we are in our lives
• 13:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: right now, right today, if we hadn't broke up the relationship.
• 13:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what I would like people to get to is if you're creating a relationship, it could be great for a week, a month, a year, 10 years, you know, 50 years.
• 13:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: But so many people put this time span on it and they say, oh, they've got a great relationship.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: They've been married for 42 years.
• 13:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: What makes 42 years great?
• 14:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Eight years could be great.
• 14:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And right now, I'm having so much fun, and I know Brendan is too,
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I love living in this house on my own as well.
• 14:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's so many things that are showing up that we would not have allowed to show up in our life if we were still together.
• 14:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So instead of, if you're in a relationship and ask, okay, is this working for me today?
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it doesn't mean you have to walk out the door that day.
• 14:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: But look, is there something that you would like to change?
• 14:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we still were friends, and we liked each other, and yet I go to say there wasn't that enthusiasm when we met up with each other after a week or two a part, and because we both travel a lot.
• 14:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you used to, you'd be like, oh my god, you know, seeing Brendan and then being this huge amount of excitement.
• 14:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it got to a maintenance.
• 14:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if your relationship is getting to maintenance, then I would look at, can I create something different here?
• 14:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like would I like to turn it into, we say, creation ship instead of relationship or have we done what we were meant to do together?
• 15:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's a really big question because I see so many people break relationship up and create it to be trauma and drama instead of just what if you opened up a bottle of champagne and said hey can we ever chat have we done what we're meant to do together is it time for us to move on like this is your life and it is so much so many possibilities available so what if you didn't stick to just one thing and what if you're allowed yourself all the possibilities that are available in the universe that's why I look at it.
• 15:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: Let's dive into that, heard from three separate people, so I'm going to mush their stories together into one to protect their identities, but here's the kind of scenario I've been hearing is I've been married for 10 years, we have three kids together, we were college sweet hearts or whatever it may be.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_03]: and best friends.
• 15:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: But notice that we really don't know each other and all we ever talk about our kids and now we're having this focus time to talk about a relationship and I just don't know if it's actually working out.
• 16:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: So is it time to call it quits or should I just keep on going for the sake of we've been together for 10 years?
• 16:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: It's a longevity of the relationship and for our kids.
• 16:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: What would
• 16:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would say it's just a choice and I would say you actually do know.
• 16:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like you say I don't know what it is.
• 16:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if you're even going to that pace of, you know, I'm not sure what to do, you actually do know what you'd like to do and you're not choosing it.
• 16:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, so there's two parts.
• 16:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would say you even already know that you've left the relationship.
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, the amount of people that when we've done in our classes and said, hey, when did you leave the relationship and they're like, wow, before
• 16:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So look at the energy of that and then you can choose based on that or go, okay, so we seem to have grown apart, we don't even know each other.
• 16:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, do we actually want to put some, some effort in here and get to know each other?
• 16:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I don't, don't go that middle road and just maintain.
• 16:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, I mean, my point of view, it's like, like I said before, this is your life, it's like there's so much available.
• 17:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So do you want to just maintain something or do you want to, what choice do you want to make?
• 17:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Which road do you want to, you know, turn down?
• 17:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: God, because I was going to ask you, like, because I feel like there's another perspective of that relationships are for the long haul.
• 17:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And when you commit, you commit and there can be, like, episode flows from a relationship.
• 17:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: There might be some really tough times.
• 17:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: There might be some great times.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, I even know from my parents marriage, I feel like after the kids laugh, they, like, have, like, only better relationship than they did when we were around.
• 17:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: So like I guess like the other side of it I'd love to hear your thoughts of like how would you kind of balance what you've been saying of like this is your life These are your choices versus I'm gonna commit to this and I'm gonna make it work
• 17:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I think it's the place of because there's the commitment and I'm going to make it work, but one of the things we do in relationship with that is we go out of question and we go, okay, so no matter what I'm going to make this work and it's like if you're you're trying to start a car without an engine, it's not going to work, so there's a difference between like making it work, but also asking, okay, do I actually decide to make this work.
• 18:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And is there something we can change with it?
• 18:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: But also with what's going on right now, like the world has really changed with all of this being.
• 18:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, the economy's changed, the work force has changed, all of these things have changed, family life has changed.
• 18:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's going to keep changing.
• 18:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: What if we were starting not starting new every day from that place of, we don't have everything that we've created together?
• 18:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: But giving up on what your relationship was just today and creating something greater today.
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 18:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And for a lot of us, I shouldn't know about you guys, but definitely for me, if I stop in my life, it becomes, and it comes that becomes that maintenance energy.
• 18:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't have any fun.
• 18:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's the same thing we do in relationships.
• 18:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: We go, oh, well, now we're in it.
• 18:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's just make sure we pay the bills, make sure the kids are happy.
• 18:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And within 12 months you go, um, I'm a little bit bored.
• 18:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: So maybe that's the key.
• 18:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like if two people are willing to work at it or not.
• 19:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it doesn't need to be perfect overnight, but it's like you need to be in it and
• 19:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can I add two that like I always went how can I look at one other person say I want to be with you in 50 years time.
• 19:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know where I want to be in 50 years time.
• 19:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: So committing that.
• 19:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: So neither is right or wrong.
• 19:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: But what I do see is this reality has projected so much that you are meant to have kids.
• 19:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're meant to get married actually meant to get married first and then have kids.
• 19:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: have kids, you know, live happily ever after and, you know, undead to your part so they think that the rocking chairs.
• 19:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I would like is for people to have the freedom to know that is not the only choice.
• 19:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 19:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it is a choice and yet there are other choices available.
• 19:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: For me, I don't actually see and I'm not ruling it out but I do not see that I would be in a relationship now entering into one.
• 19:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: that would last for the rest of my life.
• 19:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just, that doesn't seem something that I am choosing, but I'm not cutting it out.
• 19:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to make it an either all like this no choice universe, but everything is available and I really would like people to get that if you're choosing single or you choose a relationship for one year, it's not wrong because that has been so projected that people that it's wrong not to create something that is long term.
• 20:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: What if
• 20:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: nothing was right and nothing was wrong and you have choice every single day.
• 20:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the freedom I would like people to have.
• 20:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is such a big part of it recognizing that you have choice.
• 20:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Remember when I first came along to one of the first access classes that I did and Gary Douglas the founder of Access, he said everything that's showing up in your life right now is based on every choice you've ever made and it gave me so much freedom to go, oh my god I've chosen this
• 20:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've got no money because and I had this childhood because and I've got this because
• 20:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when he said that, I realized, wow, I've created my life based on the choices I've made, I keep this makes them new choices.
• 20:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's the same with the relationship thing.
• 20:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like if you, if you're single and have been single for years or whatever, if you actually realise that you've been choosing that, then you can go, okay.
• 21:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I've been choosing this.
• 21:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: There hasn't been a victim to what else would I like to choose now.
• 21:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just from that point of view alone, you recognise that you're the creator of your whole life, even the things that you've decided about,
• 21:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 21:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I feel like I actually, like in therapy talking to a therapist about that.
• 21:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it was like, you're not, you haven't been single for X amount of years.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: You've had other decisions that you've made.
• 21:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like you moved to a new city.
• 21:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: You were starting a new life.
• 21:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like it's not just, oh, you were incapable of like finding someone.
• 21:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think like what you guys keep saying too, it's like the pressure of our society feels like you're doing something wrong if you're not with someone.
• 21:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: and that isn't the case like that's a choice in your life and I love what you said Simone it's just because I'm choosing this to date as it means that it's going to be tomorrow like I might change my mind things might be different.
• 21:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: A man might come running down into white horse and be like,
• 22:02
  [SPEAKER_03]: Let's take baby steps here because this all sounds great in theory, but I'm putting on the hat of a single listener I want to believe that but it's really hard for me to believe that I chose this life when right now I'm feeling lonely.
• 22:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: I want to be in a relationship.
• 22:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: I wish I had a partner.
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_03]: I've tried to be in relationships with others none of those came to fruition
• 22:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: how can I change my mindset?
• 22:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I can't just flip the switch and say, ah, I chose this life.
• 22:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: It doesn't work like that.
• 22:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: So where are the baby steps that people can take mentally to get there?
• 22:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: So one of the things I would say, Brendan briefly mentioned this before, is, be honest with yourself, do you have a list you've created and throw away the friggin' list?
• 22:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like somewhere on that one you've decided what it has to look like and if you if you decide that a relationship has to look a certain way you've you've just eliminated so much you know I'm 11 years older than Brandon he had a huge amount of debt like masses amounts of debt.
• 23:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Which I didn't know about.
• 23:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: He had a child.
• 23:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: He had a dog which the dog was really cool because I always wanted to have a dog But I was on a child or something else Actually, I was I remember at one stage.
• 23:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I said, I don't know if I can do this.
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't ask for a child and he said to me I was sitting on the bed crying Anyway, Brenna looked at when he went well, we could change this up like I could move out and he said fit
• 23:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I sort of come with a five year old, but I know you do.
• 23:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I had to look at that.
• 23:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it's like, I don't know, yeah, you're in debt.
• 23:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like you, then you gave up your job.
• 23:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: You were smoking, you were snoring, like all these things that were like, not on your own.
• 23:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, dear.
• 23:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're a cat, ladies.
• 23:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a cat.
• 23:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: What the thing is, you were a cat.
• 23:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: But there's list that most people have, wouldn't have these things on them.
• 23:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like the amount of females I talk to that go, oh, he has to have money or he has to have a good job.
• 23:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why?
• 23:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: What if you just asked for someone who was, as we said before, caring, who cared about you, who didn't judge you?
• 24:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're listening to this and you're going, oh no, I don't have a list, you know what?
• 24:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: No one can make you change anything except for you.
• 24:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So even if you're listening to this in the next 24 48 hours, you know, grab your phone or peek to old school piece of paper of pen and start writing down anything that comes into your head or you say that you have created
• 24:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: and then destroy it.
• 24:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I didn't have this list then what would I be asking for?
• 24:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, to me, asking for someone who shows up that doesn't judge me on my body, and he cares about me.
• 24:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hello.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've got money.
• 24:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've created money.
• 24:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, I don't need a man to have money.
• 24:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like,
• 24:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of the things that we decide we want in our relationship, it's like we see people in an image of what we've decided they should be also I mean I remember when we had friend years ago that used to say I wish you had a brother Brendan I'd love to find a guy like you and I was like oh honey, no you wouldn't
• 24:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: She was into long walks on the beach holding hands and doing the full romance he cuddly kind of stuff That's a nice nightmare That wasn't me so but but she saw me as this great image of what she wanted but if she would have got together with me We would have lasted a week
• 25:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because I was in no way what she actually wanted.
• 25:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, like Simone said, like if you can really be brutally honest with yourself and destroy those lists and actually start asking for an energy more so that's going to contribute to your life, you've really opened the doors to things coming to you.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: More also, not you have to go and look for everything.
• 25:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're actually allowing people to show up in your life.
• 25:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: But if someone doesn't have relationship experience, but they want to be in relationship, how can they look for or be in an ideal relationship?
• 25:44
  [SPEAKER_03]: I mean, they have to create something, right?
• 25:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: And they're wrong.
• 25:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I would say it's your probably in the best position, because if you had no reference point for creating relationship, what would it be?
• 25:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, one of the things that I always recommend to people is watch true Barrymore's 51st day.
• 26:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Every day she wakes up and she forgets what occurred yesterday.
• 26:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: What if you had no reference points?
• 26:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I look at my parents and I don't think that they had a great relationship.
• 26:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: My mother was really mean, my father was extremely kind and just got yelled at all the time.
• 26:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's not a great relationship.
• 26:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if I use that as a reference point, then that is how I would have to create it.
• 26:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So how many people use their family as a reference point to creating a relationship and it's not true or use Hollywood.
• 26:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, Hollywood movies etc.
• 26:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, but yeah, it's true though.
• 26:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: You see all of the best stuff that's happening.
• 26:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I would start with is if when you meet someone and it's like, you know, you'll know when you meet someone that you like, oh, this person's nice.
• 26:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, you know, will this be fun?
• 26:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
• 26:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: because a relationship is meant to be fun.
• 26:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: If it's not fun, why are you doing it?
• 26:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's a really good point, because I think you also said earlier too, it's like we have so much pressure of like what we think a relationship should look like.
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if you look at your relationships with your friends and like people that aren't as much like they need to follow like one date this happens in three months, this happens like more of a timeline.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Things just naturally organically develop.
• 27:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think sometimes like when we're so strict on how things should be, we're not like just appreciating someone in their natural element in the relationship.
• 27:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 27:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 27:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: One of the things like one of the things we do in our classes and stuff to get people to see where they actually do know what's going to work for them.
• 27:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just like if you start looking back on say dates you've been on or people say you go on home and had sex with or someone like that and notice the times that you actually knew what
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that you can actually start seeing PSL.
• 27:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I do actually know when it's going to work or not going to work.
• 27:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when that energy is off, when you go, I wonder if this person will be fun to be in relationship with, and it's kind of got that heavy feeling to it.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Probably not going to turn out to be much fun.
• 27:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: When it's got that lightness to it, and it's like, oh, that feels, that's got that excitement to it.
• 28:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: It might be something that's going to work for you.
• 28:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: So if we're talking about getting honest, because there's a side of like what you ain't brought up of like why haven't I had this.
• 28:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: But then there's also like, do I even want this at all, which is kind of like the core of what you guys have been talking about.
• 28:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that you guys have probably like the only ones that have a relationship book of like, how not to maybe get into a relationship.
• 28:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I think there's something really interesting there because we've talked about like it's just expected that you do these things.
• 28:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: But how do you decide if this is something you truly want?
• 28:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: You've never had a good relationship or you haven't had a lot of relationship history, how do you know if it's something you'd want?
• 28:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: I would start with making a list of, okay, what do I desire a relationship for?
• 28:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not what do I desire in the relationship, but what do I actually desire for?
• 28:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then if you start going into the things of, well, I want somebody to need me, or if they start getting into that, like I said before with those things that, okay, where am I not needing myself?
• 29:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're looking for a relationship because you feel there's some part of you missing, then you're always going to be looking for that need.
• 29:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: to be fulfilled.
• 29:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So look and go, okay, what do I actually desire relationship for?
• 29:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: If that's to have fun to expand your life, to have somebody who's joyful to be around, and I would say you've got a good chance that actually desire anyone.
• 29:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, there's a joke at the moment where I live across the road, I've got these two friends of mine, these two gay guys, and they're not very far down, you know, another road, a friend of mine mark, and the big joke is I ring them and go, I need a man, and they go, what's up, and they go, I can't get this open, I can't do this.
• 29:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: animal in my garage and it's like, I need a man.
• 29:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's become this big joke, but it's like, I'm so willing to say, hey, I need a man can you help me with this?
• 29:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't actually want to deal with this.
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's I just got an animal poop in my garage and I don't know what animal it is.
• 29:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can someone can a man come over and help me?
• 29:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm so excited to say we're asking for that.
• 29:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: But so I see so many times a woman will decide that she needs a man in her life to fulfill all of these things rather than what if you had people in your life who could
• 30:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: and you had a relationship because it was fun, yeah.
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, so I totally see that side of things, but then I'm hearing people that are like, well, I have like a life plan.
• 30:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want to have kids, I want to have a family, I don't want just fun.
• 30:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, that isn't my whole goal of a relationship.
• 30:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: What would you say to them?
• 30:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I like the way you say that I don't just want to have fun, but in their life playing, they've got kids in it.
• 30:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you've already decided kids are not fun.
• 30:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:37
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I feel.
• 30:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I get all the fun.
• 30:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, one of the things we talk about too is your point of view creates your reality.
• 30:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if you've got, so anywhere that you've got a fixed point of view in place, like relationships should last this long or whatever that is, it's not going to be fun.
• 30:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not always going to be easy.
• 31:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just that point of view alone is going to create that as your reality.
• 31:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: What if none of it was wrong?
• 31:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Having a life plan, wanting to have kids, wanting to do all the whatever stuff.
• 31:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: But what if you could ask for it to be fun and easy also?
• 31:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, like what if you when we say have fun what if you decided fun is it's like, you know, just being not like entering chaos or the thing it's like what if everything was fun what if having the kids, you know, was fun what if getting married was fun what if you know cooking was fun what if it all was fun it's like how many times do you try and make life serious and significant.
• 31:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you make it serious and significant, then that will always control you rather than you.
• 31:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, have you noticed if you see your friends?
• 31:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're sad and upset and you start crying, people are like, oh, what's up?
• 31:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you okay?
• 31:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's going on?
• 31:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're always joyful and always have, you know, maybe you're laughing or you just have this sense of joy, people go, oh, they're on drugs.
• 31:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: What if our natural state was to be joyful and have fun?
• 32:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's not a place allowed, you know, just a place to have this like, you know, amount of sadness or trauma and drama and it's like, I'm sorry, I'm done with trauma and drama.
• 32:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go for joy and possibilities.
• 32:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's my world.
• 32:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 32:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, fun doesn't have to mean not depth.
• 32:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, it just needs to.
• 32:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, yeah, I think that's exactly.
• 32:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 32:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think what my biggest takeaway from this whole conversation is like, there is no one right way to do things.
• 32:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: And like the part that you mentioned of.
• 32:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: either like ending something when you feel like you're in maintenance versus the people that keep going and let things open flow, it's a decision and everyone's in control of their decisions.
• 32:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: And again, it's not like one way to do it or not, that's up to you to decide what your life is and what your relationship should look like.
• 32:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, exactly.
• 32:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we should be shaming single people either like if they don't think it's relationships.
• 32:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's a really, that's trying to look at how to put this.
• 32:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it's like, for all the people out there that are single or even in relationship has nothing wrong with you.
• 33:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 33:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what if, like, what if in this looking, do I truly desire a relationship or what relationship I like to have?
• 33:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: What about just for a day while you're looking at it?
• 33:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: you don't go to anything wrong with you.
• 33:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, get out of that place.
• 33:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because then it's like, the other thing is when we decide there's something wrong with us for not having a relationship, for example, we're looking, we're already looking for the things we want in a relationship to kind of hide the wrongness that we're going to decide it is there with us.
• 33:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, and we, it doesn't really give us a true sense of what's true for us.
• 33:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, give up the wrongness even if it's for a day.
• 33:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: While you're out, while you're liking a relationship.
• 33:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: But that is a demand you have to make of yourself.
• 33:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's, okay, I'm not going to make myself wrong with this.
• 33:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And realize also, it's a massive projection, like a lot of us in with our families and stuff, you know, like, when are you, when are you in married, when are you going to have kids, when are you, you know, um, can you give me a break on 17?
• 33:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's all too.
• 34:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's up to address the question you said about the being single and being lonely?
• 34:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you must be lonely.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So then you start to buy that point of view as yours.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: So a tool that I would love to give everyone if they're in that
• 34:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Who does this belong to?
• 34:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 34:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you ask that question, who does this belong to?
• 34:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if it lightens up, it's not yours.
• 34:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, 99% of our thoughts, feelings and emotions are not ours.
• 34:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yet we start buying into them.
• 34:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there are other peoples.
• 34:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're more psychically than then you're willing to acknowledge.
• 34:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: How much does the media family and everyone project at you?
• 34:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you are single, this again, like the theme that we keep asking is that you get to choose, but be really brutally honest with yourself for what it is that you are asking for.
• 34:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then start asking for what that is, like what energy would you like in your life.
• 34:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: The other thing I just want to add to that with the watt energy what I like in my life is, what if it was even if you do it for a day and then switch it up for the next day, but indulge in it, like actually indulge in those things that you would like to have in a relationship all day, okay?
• 35:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'd like this in a relationship and bring that energy up in front of you and actually indulge in that relationship and then go, oh, that's kind of a little bit off.
• 35:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't mind something different than that, but be willing to see that with even choosing a relationship, you can still make different choices.
• 35:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 35:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 35:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't have to be set in concrete when you start it.
• 35:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like you can keep making different choices and creating it how you desire it to be.
• 35:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: Do you think that they're just certain people who are not cut out for relationships?
• 35:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I think people will use that as a justification for not creating it.
• 35:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it's like, I think for anyone, if you truly desire it, then you can create it.
• 35:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I mean, we've got a good friend of ours who, you know, we joke around because she loves animals and she's got many horses and a dog, etc.
• 35:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she loves the relationship that she has with her animals.
• 35:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: She has no desire to be in a relationship with another person and another being.
• 36:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, but she's happy with her horses and a dog.
• 36:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the projections though, the years ago that she got for that was wrong rather than, okay.
• 36:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: What if you have a great life and you hang out with your horses and you dog, that's okay, that's not wrong either, like Brendan said, you're not wrong for what you're choosing, you get to choose, so what is it that you'd like to choose?
• 36:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: So that relates to my biggest takeaway is this idea of creation ship.
• 36:30
  [SPEAKER_03]: I am so obsessed with this idea because it's it makes you empower and in control of your life and it's not just about being in a relationship with someone else, but it's creating
• 36:43
  [SPEAKER_03]: for yourself.
• 36:44
  [SPEAKER_03]: So every day when you wake up, you can choose to create something that day and whether you choose to create something with someone or by yourself.
• 36:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: It doesn't matter because you're still creating and I love the idea of being in a relationship and asking your partner, what are we trying to create?
• 37:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: free together.
• 37:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yes, because that also brings them actively into this relationship.
• 37:05
  [SPEAKER_03]: Instead of expecting your partner to act a certain way or like you said some old maintaining a relationship, which is, which is a worse, because I don't have a 2003 Toyota camera.
• 37:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: You really feel like I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to maintain this car, make sure that it runs forever.
• 37:20
  [SPEAKER_03]: But it's, it's about how do I keep creating this life with someone that I really feel fulfilled in and they feel fulfilled in.
• 37:28
  [SPEAKER_03]: a lot of times and I'm guilty of this too is like you said Simone with the reference points and you're seeing Brendan with just like we're trying to, we're trying to have these expectations of a relationship and we retrofit everything.
• 37:42
  [SPEAKER_03]: So what happens is like imagine if you think a relationship should be a certain shape.
• 37:48
  [SPEAKER_03]: and you, anybody you meet, you just keep shoving them into the shape and anything that comes extra out of the shape, you're like, nope, that's the, they're at fault and these are all their fault and this is why they don't belong in a relationship with me.
• 38:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: You're never going to find that person because no one's going to fit perfectly into that shape, but this idea of having clay and just molding with someone and creating a shape that you've never seen before.
• 38:11
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's a beautiful relationship.
• 38:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and that's how it changes, too, from like, if things aren't in a good place, if you guys are willing to do that creation together, that's like key versus the maintenance, and that's kind of like when you see those situations where things weren't good, and they do turn around, that's people actively creating in a relationship.
• 38:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's a choice, right?
• 38:34
  [SPEAKER_03]: Whenever you talk about what you're looking for in a partner relationship, only focus on the factors that you have control of.
• 38:42
  [SPEAKER_03]: You will never have control of someone else's feelings and their behaviors, but you only have control what you can do for yourself.
• 38:49
  [SPEAKER_03]: And that's how you can create the life that you want to create.
• 38:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think the part that you guys said earlier I can personally relate to this of like what qualities are important and I think like the ultimate thing is like you want someone that is kind and has your back and is on your team and all of this and do I need someone that has a lot of money?
• 39:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well if I'm able to provide for myself that might not be something that I really need in a relationship
• 39:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: having that like person that's on my team, I can't provide that for myself.
• 39:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it's like what is the goal of the relationship and what you're actually seeking from it?
• 39:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's like a huge, huge revelation of, do I actually want this or not and what do I want?
• 39:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: And for anybody who feels like they don't have the relationship experience to relate to this conversation, I would say anybody who has ever been a child has been in relationship because how you play on the playground, that is relationship right there.
• 39:47
  [SPEAKER_03]: How you play with another kid and if you like playing with them, you keep playing with them.
• 39:52
  [SPEAKER_03]: And the time when you stop playing with them is when you don't want to play with them anymore.
• 39:56
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's a relationship.
• 39:57
  [SPEAKER_03]: So we should treat relationships in the same way, which is exactly what you said Brendan is, where's the fun?
• 40:04
  [SPEAKER_03]: As long as the fun is still there, we're still playing with each other, creating with each other, then we stay in this relationship.
• 40:10
  [SPEAKER_03]: And as soon as you stop wanting to play with each other, and that fun stops, then maybe it's time to get out.
• 40:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: And you define the fun.
• 40:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Fun could be different things for different people.
• 40:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: It could be having kids.
• 40:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: It might not be having kids.
• 40:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love all like my preconceived oceans, just like totally came through.
• 40:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: But you're right, there are a lot of people that really want kids and that's what they're looking for in a partnership.
• 40:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: They don't view it, but that's fun, right, like building that family is fun.
• 40:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I mean, mutual friends about I was just, I mean, I had kids four years ago and now I twins.
• 40:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And those twins were born and they were looked at as a gift and they love their kids and it's wonderful.
• 40:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's what it should be.
• 40:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're going to have kids, they should be a gift.
• 41:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think the other thing that like the last takeaway I have is just this whole piece that I mean we've talked about this before on other episodes too, but I think so many times we put success or failure if we get married or this is like a long-term relationship But to your point like you guys had a great eight years together
• 41:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: or how we're along that you guys felt like this was a solid relationship.
• 41:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: In your relationship now has evolved.
• 41:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's not that you don't have a relationship anymore.
• 41:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: It might not be like a sexual relationship, but you still have a relationship.
• 41:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: I still have a relationship.
• 41:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: We don't know.
• 41:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: We don't really know, but you guys have a business together, you are friends, you guys talk all the time like things are always evolving and again I feel like so many times we have these like black and white rules of what we have to follow like I'll never talk to my ex again.
• 41:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: If you can talk to your ex and you can maintain a friendship and it's not getting in the way of you growing and like having fun on your own than what's the problem with it.
• 42:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: Right.
• 42:06
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 42:07
  [SPEAKER_03]: Um, so we're going to wrap this up, but I do have one final question for both of you, which is neither of you are in a defined relationship right now.
• 42:16
  [SPEAKER_03]: Is there anything that you miss about being in a relationship?
• 42:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think there's there's certain things at different times.
• 42:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, you know, after spending that much time with somebody like Simone and I used to travel together and, you know, and work all up together and also we'd been the same
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's been interesting because we also ended the relationship and then I moved to Houston so it's just I wouldn't say so much like missing but there's definitely been those sense of those areas there we like oh that was fun to do together with different things you know there are some things that you can't do on your own you know
• 42:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mr. Brandenmore, I'm going to say we are really different too and we have created a really unique friendship afterwards.
• 43:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I mean, when we were together at one point, we went jet skiing and we came home and we were in the car and I looked at Branden and I went.
• 43:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Who really like you?
• 43:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he goes, I really like you too.
• 43:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now we were like, you know, it's probably like five or six years in draw relationship, but just really like them and I know that he really liked me and we actually still have that and that's one aspect of relationship that I that I like is that closeness and that gratitude that you can have for someone else and.
• 43:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I've got to say there's nothing I'm missing and I'm noticing the things that I'm used to but Brandon is fabulous, quick.
• 43:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the things that I'm used to like that, I'm like, okay, so how do I, instead of going, oh, I'm missing this, I'm like, how do I fill this in or how do I create something different?
• 43:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I've actually been calling him and asking for his recipes on certain foods that I like, because there's no restaurant so open and then cooking.
• 43:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not going missing.
• 43:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going, how do I have,
• 44:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: something like that that is just different.
• 44:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah.
• 44:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: So my other million dollar question and maybe you don't know the answer right now because you're taking it as it goes.
• 44:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, do you guys see yourself getting into a relationship with other people or do you feel like single is the way you're going to maintain a life?
• 44:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's a good question.
• 44:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's like it's like
• 44:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I know for myself and I think it'd pretty much be for both of us.
• 44:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like relationship, it needs to be different.
• 44:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like as soon as I get into any place of normal relationship, I know it doesn't work for me.
• 44:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's like it's not not having it or having it.
• 44:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's just having one that actually works for me is what it would have to be.
• 44:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: So having it where it can be that different.
• 44:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And like we've talked about, like actually creating it to be something fun.
• 44:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I would say I am not, I don't have a point of view of if I do or I don't, I would like it, you know, it's not a necessity and every day would be a choice.
• 45:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I'd be definitely open for options and I don't need to have a relationship.
• 45:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's exactly what you guys like are summarizing in what you preach too.
• 45:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like coming from a place of I don't need this, but if it adds to my life, then it's something I want in having not feeling when you have to do something or you feel like you're not whole if you're not doing something and getting out of that mindset.
• 45:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, if I'm going to choose it, I'm going to enjoy it.
• 45:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the show.
• 45:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: Mm-hmm.
• 45:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: Preach.
• 45:34
  [SPEAKER_03]: If people want to find some of your work, where can they go to what's a website we can direct them to?
• 45:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Uh, you can go to the one with the book, Relationship.
• 45:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I assure you, want one.com and also relationships with an S, done different.com.
• 45:48
  [SPEAKER_03]: And if you haven't done so yet, subscribe to the psychology of relationships today.
• 45:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: So you don't miss an episode.
• 45:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: Bye.