Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 232. We love each other so why do we keep fighting?

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232. We love each other so why do we keep fighting? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoge production.
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  Speaker 2: An easier advice.
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  Speaker 1: Are you okay what happened? Promise it won't be too much?
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  Speaker 1: Bring it in. Welcome to our Bestie segment.
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  Speaker 2: Girl, this is the place for you.
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  Speaker 3: Hello besties, Welcome back to the bestie submission with you guys,
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  Speaker 3: have written in your anonymous problems, sticky situations, or just
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  Speaker 3: something that you would like outside advice on. We are
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  Speaker 3: your online besties. We're going to give our two cents.
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  Speaker 3: Our unqualified aren't asked for, just as if we would
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  Speaker 3: tre each other if we were in this exact situation.
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  Speaker 1: So what have you got for us today?
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, let's take it away. The name of this episode
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  Speaker 2: is we love each other? So why do we keep fighting?
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  Speaker 2: Just to give you some context, my fiancee and I
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  Speaker 2: have been together fifteen years this year five years are
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  Speaker 2: being engaged. We met in our early twenties and we
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  Speaker 2: work hard and have both have been successful in our careers.
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  Speaker 2: We built our first home three years ago and have
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  Speaker 2: been able to upgrade both of our cars. He's a
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  Speaker 2: police officer and I'm studying to be a midwife, both
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  Speaker 2: adding extra stress. We are planning a wedding for late
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  Speaker 2: twenty twenty six. As we wanted to not have alone.
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  Speaker 2: I have noticed in the past year of our arguments
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  Speaker 2: have really increased and communication has not been great. We
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  Speaker 2: always come back to the table and apologize and never
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  Speaker 2: sit in the upset for long. But I would love
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  Speaker 2: to get your advice on how to improve our communication
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  Speaker 2: to each other. Thank you so much. PS love the podcast.
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  Speaker 1: Ah, thank you.
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  Speaker 3: Congratulations on your successful careers and upgrading the cars and
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  Speaker 3: doing all the things.
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  Speaker 1: There's not a lot of context there, but I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: I always think there's something underneath when the same flights
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  Speaker 3: keep reoccurring. And also, where's your nervous system at? You
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  Speaker 3: guys just super tired, strung out, and dysregulated, because sometimes,
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  Speaker 3: unfortunately we take things out in the person safest and
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  Speaker 3: closest to us. I'll be checking where my nervous systems
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  Speaker 3: are because I know when I'm tired or stretched or
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  Speaker 3: tapped out from the kids, I don't have as much
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  Speaker 3: patience and time and capacity for Steve. And if my
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  Speaker 3: cup's feeling dry and empty, I don't have a lot
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  Speaker 3: to overpour to him. Relationship does suffer, and that's why
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  Speaker 3: I will die in that hill of taking care of
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  Speaker 3: myself and making sure, I'm doing things that make me
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  Speaker 3: feel good, so I'd be curious as too. If you
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  Speaker 3: guys are doing that and having your alone time to recharge,
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  Speaker 3: come back in would be my advice. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I love that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's cool.
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  Speaker 2: I think when I think about this, it sounds like
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  Speaker 2: you already have a pretty good system and foundation.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, repair quite quickly.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like you do, which is great, But
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  Speaker 2: I think there are going to be icky moments. What
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  Speaker 2: I've recently learned just in my life is that sometimes
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  Speaker 2: you do need to have like extra understanding and compassion
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  Speaker 2: for all the times when you are feeling really stretched off,
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  Speaker 2: when your partner's feeling really stretched and knowing that that
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  Speaker 2: little bit of compassion or understanding goes a long way.
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  Speaker 2: But it really is about how quickly you repair, Like
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  Speaker 2: what kind of system And this is like what helps
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  Speaker 2: me having some kind of system of like okay, when
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  Speaker 2: we do have a tiff or something goes wrong, or
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  Speaker 2: someone snaps at the other one or they said something
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  Speaker 2: off the cast where you're like, WHOA, that was a bit.
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  Speaker 1: How you going?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, having a bit of a system and a structure
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  Speaker 2: that you can follow when those things happen right, because
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  Speaker 2: the first thing that we do when we're dysregulated is like, Okay,
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  Speaker 2: we lose it, we snap, we don't have patience. But
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  Speaker 2: then we're also not in a good headspace either. You know,
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  Speaker 2: you're not really in a oh I want to repair
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  Speaker 2: right now because you probably think I'm fucking mad at you,
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  Speaker 2: or like I'm feeling really pissed off because you said this,
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  Speaker 2: and I don't feel seen and heard right all of
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  Speaker 2: your triggers and all of your deep rooted wounds like
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  Speaker 2: coming out in that moment. So we're not thinking clearly
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  Speaker 2: of like, oh, I want to repair right now. So
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  Speaker 2: can you get a sticky note and do like a
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  Speaker 2: one two three step things of things that you do
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  Speaker 2: when you're in conflict. Can it be okay, I want
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  Speaker 2: to take a breath, okay, Can I see what the
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  Speaker 2: other person is thinking and feeling okay?
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  Speaker 1: Cool?
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  Speaker 2: Can I lean in first? That could be your one
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  Speaker 2: two three step process of that and figure out what
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  Speaker 2: feels good for you because obviously every relationship and dynamic
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  Speaker 2: is different, so maybe that's something that you can work
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  Speaker 2: on together and go, hey, like, how can we actually
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  Speaker 2: prevent this from escalating in the way that it normally does,
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  Speaker 2: so that we can refine it and get even better
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  Speaker 2: than what we already do.
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  Speaker 1: And you did.
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  Speaker 3: You mentioned it's only the last year, are so I'd
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  Speaker 3: be reflecting back and what's changed in the last year.
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  Speaker 3: Is it the extra stress of saving for the wedding?
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  Speaker 3: Is it little things you're fighting about the wedding of
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  Speaker 3: who wants what or where the money is going?
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  Speaker 1: And sometimes I'm like, is it worth it?
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  Speaker 3: Not saying not having a wedding, but fighting over little
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  Speaker 3: things like is it really that important to fight over
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  Speaker 3: whether you have his color flowers or you know, I
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  Speaker 3: don't have context, but sometimes we make bigger deals out
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  Speaker 3: of little things. It just it's not worth breaking your
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  Speaker 3: connection for I really.
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  Speaker 2: Like what you mentioned as well, because you said something
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  Speaker 2: like that and being like, what's underneath that? Because if
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  Speaker 2: you are fighting about the little things.
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  Speaker 1: There's normally something else. Yeah, is there something that.
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  Speaker 2: You're feeling resentful for that you haven't voiced? Or maybe
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  Speaker 2: you voice all the things, but there's ten percent of
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  Speaker 2: things that you're actually not saying because it feels too
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  Speaker 2: scary to voice. Yes, I would address that because if
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  Speaker 2: you can get I like to say this, like saying
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  Speaker 2: of like, what sits between you and your partner on
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  Speaker 2: the couch is the conversations that you're not having that
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  Speaker 2: actually stop you from reconnecting and going deeper with your
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  Speaker 2: partner again, definitely, So what is that ten percent? Like
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  Speaker 2: what sits between you and your partner and how can
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  Speaker 2: you get them all out? Yeah, and actually work through
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  Speaker 2: those things.
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  Speaker 1: Steve and I had a little tiff the other day.
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  Speaker 1: I won't going to detail what it was.
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  Speaker 3: Was just a little tiff, but I was saying to
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  Speaker 3: on the walk when I was like real pissed and
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  Speaker 3: dadadah and I also do for my.
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  Speaker 1: Periods, so Stephanie is out.
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  Speaker 3: But then I realized, I was like, that little tiff
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  Speaker 3: wasn't actually about that. I actually am just not feeling
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  Speaker 3: appreciated and loved and we're both stretched, and he's also
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  Speaker 3: feeling bad, and so both of us are feeling empty
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  Speaker 3: because we've been working, like he's been working seven days
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  Speaker 3: a week at the moment, and yeah, I just realized,
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  Speaker 3: it's like, wow, that tiff was nothing.
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  Speaker 1: To do with the tiff.
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  Speaker 3: It was underneath both of us not feeling loved and
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  Speaker 3: desired and appreciated, and we're not hanging out as much
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  Speaker 3: in the school holidays, and we just don't have a
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  Speaker 3: lot of space for each other right now because obviously
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  Speaker 3: the kids take priority and works taking priority that we're
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  Speaker 3: kind of taking a back seat.
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  Speaker 1: At the moment.
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  Speaker 3: I was like, when was the last week even had
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  Speaker 3: a date? Not like I literally can't even remember, And
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  Speaker 3: it's just the season we're in, so it's having more
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  Speaker 3: conversations around that. But just going back to what I
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  Speaker 3: was saying, the continuous little arguments, there's normally something deeper
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  Speaker 3: underneath that, and once you can address that, then I
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  Speaker 3: think it smooths out little TIFFs, little pickles, little pickles,
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  Speaker 3: the turn to way bigger than what they do. I
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  Speaker 3: was telling Tana about this little argument. As I'm saying
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  Speaker 3: out loud, I'm like, this sounds so stupid. I wouldn't
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  Speaker 3: normally get triggered or upset by this, but oh, because
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  Speaker 3: underneath I'm feeling like is now this feels way bigger
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  Speaker 3: and I'm going to point and blame the finger at
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  Speaker 3: that thing, but it's.
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  Speaker 2: Not actually about that.
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  Speaker 1: So that's what I would be exploring.
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  Speaker 2: Talking through it helps too.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, when you're regulated, not way it's spussy. Yes, sometimes
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  Speaker 3: need to break just to take a breath. Yes, speaking
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  Speaker 3: on behalf of seventy, she needs.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: To go for a walk.
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  Speaker 2: It's true, it's yeah, the city of space. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: She and I both like that.
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  Speaker 3: We go like exercise and just have some time by
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  Speaker 3: a sol We come back so much more calmer, ready
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  Speaker 3: to talk about it in the moment. Sometimes I feel
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  Speaker 3: like I'm a fireside. I feel like I can just
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  Speaker 3: see red like beer, a bit more heated. Once I've
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  Speaker 3: had some time out, I'm like, Okay, what are you
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  Speaker 3: talk about.
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  Speaker 2: It's also a conscious choice that you both make to
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  Speaker 2: you be the best versions of yourself.
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  Speaker 1: We've worked that over the years. This is what we
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  Speaker 1: need honor it.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe this is not productive, and we lean in st
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  Speaker 2: a way when we're both feeling fiery or not feeling
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  Speaker 2: emotionally like I need to have this conversation.
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  Speaker 3: It's like that old saying people say, don't go to
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  Speaker 3: bed angry. I can see the logic behind that. I
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  Speaker 3: think that's a great way to look at it. But
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  Speaker 3: also sometimes you need to go to bed and sleep
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  Speaker 3: on it, have a good full night's rest, regulate your
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  Speaker 3: nervous system, take some brieg breathts when you wake up
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  Speaker 3: and be like, am I actually upset?
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  Speaker 1: What's underneath that? How are you going to choose to
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  Speaker 1: approach it? These days?
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  Speaker 3: I've calmed down now, I'm ready to have conversations. Sometimes
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  Speaker 3: if you're angry, you could just keep going around in circles.
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  Speaker 3: So just regulated and tired, and you've just put the
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  Speaker 3: kids to bed, and you've had a hard day at
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  Speaker 3: work and you're stressing, and you just at each other.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes I think it's good to sleep on it.
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  Speaker 3: You can still be kind and give each other a
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  Speaker 3: kiss and cuddle, Yeah, snuggle in bed.
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  Speaker 1: But sometimes you just need to cool off. That's okay.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I would agree. I'm definitely like that. I feel
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  Speaker 2: like when I sleep on it, I feel like I'm
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  Speaker 2: much more logical the next.
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  Speaker 1: Day because I've calmed down. Yes, I've calmed down.
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  Speaker 2: I feel cool. I've had a night's sleep. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, maybe I can think a little bit clearly.
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  Speaker 2: And you're not in that moment where you're still seeing red.
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  Speaker 2: You're more unreasonable. I mean, I know I am myself.
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  Speaker 2: I'm definitely more unreasonable when I'm feeling triggered.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're triggered.
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  Speaker 2: You're in it and you want to fight for your argument.
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  Speaker 1: You want to fight feels.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I say you, but I'm pointing their finger
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  Speaker 2: at myself because Tad, she wants to be right. She
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  Speaker 2: wants to be right, she wants to fight to be
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  Speaker 2: heard because I've previously not felt hurt and seen yeah
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  Speaker 2: in those moments. So to me, it's like I need
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  Speaker 2: to feel heard. I need this person to understand. And
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  Speaker 2: that's when we start to go, Okay, I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: keep adding to this because I'm not ready for this
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  Speaker 2: to be done. We're not looking for the light at
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  Speaker 2: the end of the tunnel the time when we're deep
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  Speaker 2: in it. We're looking to be right.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's exactly right. So I really hope that's helpful.
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  Speaker 3: Gives you a couple of things to reflect on, and
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  Speaker 3: you can't control his reactions and what he's thinking, but
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  Speaker 3: you can control yours, and you can choose how you're
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  Speaker 3: going to approach things.
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  Speaker 1: And I hope there's a couple of tools and they
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: can implement and give a go.
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  Speaker 2: And something that's just come up for me just gearing
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  Speaker 2: to the end of this conversation is is this something
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  Speaker 2: coming up for either of you run the wedding? Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I was feeling a little bit like cold feet is there,
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  Speaker 2: Like it doesn't feel like pressure, just any fear is
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  Speaker 2: coming up. I would be like, hey, late on the tables,
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  Speaker 2: the wedding is coming up. This can feel like additional
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  Speaker 2: stress or pressure or you know, fear that might be
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  Speaker 2: coming up around this. Like maybe we can talk about it.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, that's true because it could be something under there.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and if anything's coming up for you can be
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  Speaker 2: super on it and just talk through it as a team.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't have this either, but just speaking on the
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  Speaker 3: wedding again, I have had friends that their families are
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  Speaker 3: very heavily involved, and like one side of the family's like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: we have to have it in the church and we
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  Speaker 3: have to do this and that, and the other family's
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: like no, we're not religious, or we want to do
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: this and that. And there's the external pressures of like
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  Speaker 3: you guys fighting for your families both want or like
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  Speaker 3: the guest list.
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  Speaker 1: I want these people. I want these people.
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  Speaker 3: We can only have on a hundred people and these
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: people can't afford it, And it's like there is a
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: lot of discussions to have and I find most people
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: find the planning of a wedding quite stressful, a lot
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: of conversations that we had, So maybe there's some external
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  Speaker 3: things that are kind of leaking into your guys connection
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  Speaker 3: and your relationship that you've got to have these conversations,
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  Speaker 3: but it's adding an extra layer of stress, So look
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: at that too and just try to remind each other
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  Speaker 3: like we're on the same team here. We both want
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: the same outcome. I want you to be happy, you
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  Speaker 3: want me to be happy. Let's attack this together.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: I love it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, thanks to joining us. We'll see you next week
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  Speaker 3: for a nice big episode on Monday, and enjoy the
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  Speaker 3: rest of your week.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: By girl bye.