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The Sidetrack Trap: Deflecting Questions Damages Communication · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for June 10, 2026 The Side-Trap Track Deflecting Questions
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  Damages Communication Today's broken behavior is allowing discussions to be
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  sidetracked or hijacked.
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  Sometimes this is poor communication skills or rudeness, and sometimes it's
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  a tactic to prevent you from saying what you need to say or getting a resolution to a problem.
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  Dealing with the situation is the same, regardless of why it happens.
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  Let me start by saying you have the right to be heard and to have your concern addressed.
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  If that does not happen, there is a problem.
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  If you allow your spouse to avoid hearing you or addressing your concern,
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  that is a broken behavior.
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  The most common version of this is diverting from what you say.
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  You mention the trash is overflowing, and he says, Did you finish the laundry?
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  You pointed out something he has agreed to do has not been done,
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  and he counters by asking if you've done something you've agreed to do.
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  Another version of this is, You do it too. You say to your wife that she has
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  been rude all day, and she replies by reliving how you were rude to her several
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  days ago. Oh, and also last Saturday.
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  And then there's the best defense is a good offense version.
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  Your concern is met with something totally unrelated.
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  This is common in full-on arguments with one or both spouses adding unrelated
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  things to the fire. All these have the same goal.
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  Derail the conversation so they don't have to deal with their actions or failures.
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  They can't defend what they did, so they try to change the subject.
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  If you allow that, the relationship loses because the issue never gets resolved.
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  When this happens, turn the conversation back to what you said.
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  Try something like, we can discuss that if you want, but can we first talk about what I said?
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  You can't force them to talk about it, but you can point out that they have
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  tried to sidetrack what you said.
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  Stand firm in the understanding that you deserve to have your concern addressed
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  and fight the temptation to talk about what they throw at you.
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  Reclaiming your own behavior also means looking in the mirror.
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  This strategy is far more likely to work if you are good about not sidetracking
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  them when they bring something up.
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  Your spouse has the right to be heard, just as you do. Lead by example.
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  This is Paul, and each of you having your say is doing marriage well.