Latest / Libido Lounge / Do this for 3% of the day to save your marriage with Monica Tanner Part 1

Transcript

Do this for 3% of the day to save your marriage with Monica Tanner Part 1 · Libido Lounge

0:00
I grew up as a little girl just believing in fairy tale type love.
0:04
They loved each other very, very much, but they didn't wanna be married anymore.
0:08
I definitely don't want that to happen to me.
0:10
They just didn't seem very happy together, really creating a life together, but not really
0:16
sharing a life together.
0:17
There was definitely things we were doing that weren't working.
0:20
We were, like, pushing pushing so hard to do it, and it really wasn't working.
0:25
There's not, like, a one size fits all advice.
0:28
There's so much bad marriage advice is because of horrible, horrible marriage advice.
0:36
Hey, Libido Lounge listeners.
0:38
Welcome back to another episode.
0:41
We're going to talk about bad marriage advice today.
0:45
I'm here with Monica Tanner, is a relationship life therapy certified relationship coach and
0:51
who also has her own podcast, The Secrets of Happily Ever After.
0:56
And she really works to transform marriages.
0:59
She works with communication, conflict regulation, communication strategies.
1:05
And we're going to work with her today and talk with her about myths of marriages, about advice
1:12
that people have been getting over and over and over again from online forums they're reading,
1:18
from relationship coaches, etcetera, that really is not the right advice, and we're gonna
1:24
dig into why on all of that.
1:26
So you got a super juicy episode ahead of you.
1:30
Remember, I am filming these in two parts, so if you want the second part, which is going to
1:35
come out next week, make sure you do subscribe so you do not miss that.
1:41
Without further ado, welcome to the lounge, Monica.
1:44
Thank you, Doctor.
1:45
Diane.
1:46
I'm so excited to be here with you.
1:48
Yeah, I am too.
1:49
I am too.
1:50
It's such juicy material.
1:51
Let's get right into it today.
1:54
So in reading about some of what you talk about in your work, on your website, it sounds like
2:00
you've spent about fifteen years ish really saying that you were believing the wrong things
2:07
about love.
2:07
Right?
2:08
And so I'm really curious to just understand your work and the motivation behind it.
2:13
Was there a turning point that made you realize that the advice you've been following was
2:19
actually hurting your marriage?
2:20
Like, what was that key to say, like, my gosh.
2:23
I've been, like, listening to this advice, and and it's all wrong.
2:27
Yeah.
2:27
It's such a great question.
2:29
I my par the I would say, like, the the beginning point for me was when my parents
2:35
divorced when I was 12 years old.
2:36
I mean, I grew up as a little girl just believing in fairy tale type love, and I
2:42
thought my parents had it, actually.
2:44
And when I was 12 years old, they sat us down and, you know, explained to us that they loved
2:48
each other very, very much, but they didn't wanna be married anymore.
2:52
And, like, from that moment, I was like, wait a second.
2:56
I knew that marriage was important, and I believed that my parents truly did love each
3:01
other.
3:01
They didn't fight a lot.
3:02
You know?
3:03
They seemed they they had been friends from the time they were 16 years old, and they truly
3:09
believed that they could be happier separated than happier together.
3:15
Right?
3:16
And so I was like, well, I definitely don't want that to happen to me.
3:20
So from a very young age, I started really studying people who were in relationships with
3:26
each other.
3:27
I knew it was important, and I also knew that the majority of people that I was looking at,
3:34
especially from that young age, they just didn't seem very happy together.
3:38
They were, like, kind of doing the work of marriage.
3:41
Like, you know, I had one friend whose dad worked at night, and so we'd we didn't see him
3:46
very often.
3:46
You know?
3:47
And so it was like, mom was on during the day, and we always had to be really quiet because
3:51
dad was sleeping, and that just kind of was the hallmark of was kind of like really creating a
3:59
life together, but not really sharing a life together.
4:01
It's what it felt like to me.
4:03
And I knew I wanted something different from my own life.
4:06
And so I studied marriage for a long time, then I got married to the man of my dreams.
4:12
And what I started to realize, it was much harder to, you know, implement the things that
4:19
I thought were right in a real marriage.
4:22
And so for the last twenty five years, I've basically used my own marriage as kind of a
4:26
learning lab.
4:28
And ten years ago, I started working with couples.
4:30
And so I feel like I've really had firsthand access to what do couples really, really
4:36
struggle with.
4:38
Last year, my oldest son got married, and that was the impetus behind my book because I wanted
4:45
to set him up for success.
4:47
And, you know, he got married actually on my twenty third wedding anniversary.
4:52
So so cool we have the same anniversary.
4:54
But I was like, I have twenty three years of experience here.
4:58
I got so much advice when I first got married.
5:01
And over the last twenty three years, I have some of it has turned out to be really bad.
5:07
And so that is kind of how my book was born, and I wrote it for him and gave well, I gave
5:13
him, like, a advanced copy for his wedding, but I had no idea how long it actually took to
5:19
publish a book.
5:20
So it wasn't actually ready on his wedding date, but we got real close.
5:26
It's it's so cool, right, the ability to pass that down to children.
5:32
Both my partner and I are divorced and I'm now stepmom to his three children.
5:38
It's been really interesting to take this approach of sharing with them some things that
5:45
bidirectionally we both did wrong in our previous marriages, and how we are changing the
5:52
story and changing the script and what we're doing different to keep our relationships
5:56
strong.
5:57
It's just such an amazing thing what you're doing to be able to pass down that type of
6:02
information to the future generations.
6:05
I'm curious, was there anything specific happening in your own marriage when that pushed
6:11
you to this?
6:12
Was that part of thing or was there something not working or was it more around, hey, we're
6:17
just trying to prevent what would happen to your parents and just make sure it stays
6:21
strong?
6:22
You know, there's a little bit of all of that all wrapped up together.
6:27
I mean, there was definitely things we were doing that weren't working.
6:30
There was definitely preventative measures that I was, like, trying to take, and some of those
6:36
preventative measures came from really well meaning, older married couples that I
6:41
respected.
6:42
And so I was, like, very much like this you know, if they say this is the secret to a happy
6:47
marriage, we gotta do this.
6:49
And we were, like, pushing, pushing so hard to do it, and it really wasn't working.
6:54
So, you know, there was kind of all of that wrapped into to one.
6:58
The reality is is that all of our marriages are different, so there's not, like, a one size
7:03
fits all advice, which is part of the reason why there's so much bad marriage advice is
7:08
because we all try to make our own unique scenarios fit into a quippy little, you know,
7:15
happy wife, happy life type of horrible, horrible marriage advice.
7:21
So that's part of it.
7:22
But the other thing is is I think, you know, Hollywood and, you know, just our culture has
7:30
romanticized this idea that you find your soulmate and love should be enough and it will
7:36
carry you through all of the hard times.
7:38
And when that isn't working, people get very disillusioned and say dumb stuff like, oh,
7:43
marriage is, you shouldn't get married.
7:45
It's it's better not to get married.
7:46
Like, all of these people lose hope quickly when the things that they were kind of grew up
7:51
on don't work.
7:53
And so that's all of those reasons I wanted to write this book is to give people real
7:59
actionable skill sets to develop that will create better expectations of what marriage
8:06
really is.
8:09
Yeah.
8:09
When I was looking at your your book and some of the myths you debunk, there's a couple that
8:14
came up that were, I thought, just personally pertinent just because Yeah.
8:19
Were things that I have talked to my partner about around like, This is just so ridiculous.
8:23
And the happy wife, happy life is absolute one of them.
8:27
I could go on a soapbox myself with why that is a problem.
8:31
But I would love to hear from you, what is it about that statement that leads to so many
8:37
problems, and why is that not a accurate statement?
8:41
Yeah.
8:42
It's so interesting because that one probably has, like, the most legs.
8:47
Of all of the advice in my book, that's probably the most common.
8:50
I feel like it's handed down from either father-in-law to son or father to son, it's
8:57
like one of those pieces of advice that you get when you're standing at the altar.
9:01
You know?
9:02
It's like, listen.
9:03
As long as, you know, your wife is happy or you you, you know, she's the boss or whatever,
9:11
you'll be fine.
9:11
It's funny.
9:13
It's quippy.
9:14
It sounds really romantic.
9:17
But in practice, it's terrible advice.
9:19
And I wrote the whole chapter in my book about it, and even since, I've even evolved past
9:25
that.
9:26
So in the book I mean, if you think about it, happy wife, happy life.
9:29
You have a relationship with two people in it.
9:31
One person bends around the other person and, like, exhausts themselves trying to create
9:39
something that's not even possible anyways.
9:41
We're all human.
9:42
We're all gonna be happy about 50% of the time if you just take like the reality of human
9:50
nature.
9:51
And so if you if your guiding principle of whether or not you're doing a good job in your
9:55
relationship is if you were keeping your partner happy all the time, then you're gonna
10:00
be so disappointed.
10:03
Also, at some point you give up, and that's where you get all of these people that come
10:07
into counseling with me and say, she's never happy.
10:11
No matter what I do, it's not enough.
10:14
Because if you're measuring your value or effect efficacy as a husband on whether or not
10:20
your wife is happy, it's a horrible measure.
10:23
So that in and of itself.
10:25
So in the book, I corrected happy wife, happy life to happy spouse, happy house, which at
10:31
least now you have the goal to have two happy people instead of just one.
10:37
But even still beyond that, it's not even you you if you think that it's your job to keep
10:44
your spouse happy, you're going you're going to have a very, very hard time in your marriage.
10:49
The reality is is that happiness is an inside job.
10:53
I'm the only one that can make decide whether or not I'm happy, and I can have a husband
10:57
who's phenomenally amazing at doing all the things that I think will make me happy and
11:03
still have to choose to be happy.
11:06
So, you know, happy wife, happy life is terrible.
11:10
Happy house or happy spouse, happy house is a little bit better, but the best, best recipe
11:16
for success in marriage is happiness is an inside job.
11:20
It's my job to make me happy.
11:23
I can definitely make requests of my spouse and, like, you know, teach them how to love me
11:29
well and hope that they'll teach me how to love them well.
11:33
Like, that's a very mutual exchange of, like, how can we do this in a way that works for both
11:38
of us?
11:38
But at the end of the day, I have to choose to be happy, and my spouse has to choose to be
11:42
happy.
11:43
I want us to take a quick break from our podcast to say, did you know that arousal and
11:48
desire are different for women and men?
11:51
Many women think they are no longer interested in sex, for example, because they are waiting
11:57
for their brain to think about having sex when they need to get into their body first.
12:03
So often, we think we are sexually incompatible or there's desire discrepancy simply because we
12:10
do not know the differences in how men's and women's brains are programmed around sex and
12:17
how to work them to our advantage.
12:20
In addition, communication breakdown, busyness, habits, routines, boredom, lack of novelty, and
12:26
so many things drive people to have passion less or less passionate long term relationship
12:36
than they used to have.
12:37
This is fixable.
12:39
And I show you how to do all of this and more in my Hot Monogamy Society.
12:45
You can find links in the show notes below.
12:48
I hope you will join me to discover and explore how to bring passion back.
12:54
And you can do this as a couple, but know that even if it is just one of you that is
13:00
interested in joining us, there's so much magic that can happen, so much change and improvement
13:07
by one person taking the initiative to bring passion back into the relationship.
13:13
Now, let's get back to our episode.
13:16
Yeah.
13:16
I couldn't agree more.
13:17
I think too with the you're kind of hinting on this.
13:21
When there is that constant, say, serving the other person, there's a loss of it's very
13:29
emasculating.
13:30
There's a loss of, I think, boundaries and who a man is because it's all about just serving
13:36
the wife and never about, Oh, these are my own boundaries.
13:40
I think that erodes the masculinity of the man.
13:45
When that happens, there's this shift in the polarity between the man and the woman where
13:51
it's almost like she wears the pants instead of they both wear whatever they need to wear to
13:56
both be equal partners in it.
14:00
It really, I think with that shift in polarity too, that's where I see also the sex life, the
14:06
intimate life starts to falter because that polarity is really lost and that is really
14:13
related even to the intimate life.
14:15
Do you see that as well in couples you work with?
14:18
A thousand percent.
14:19
I mean, here's like a a quotable.
14:21
Right?
14:22
Caretaking is not sexy.
14:25
So if you're the man and your job is to always make your wife happy, which is the inverse and
14:30
I think what happens in a lot of sexual relationships, I think that it's, you know,
14:34
most women were kind of raised to feel like it was their it's their job to make their husband
14:39
happy sexually, neither of those scenarios in any part of life is sexy.
14:47
What what is sexy is teamwork.
14:49
I have a partner.
14:50
We both put into this relationship, and we both get out of this relationship, not it is my job
14:55
to care for you.
14:56
So if you have, like, that dynamic anywhere in your marriage, it's not conducive to a really
15:03
healthy, thriving sex life.
15:05
Yeah.
15:05
It's well, well, well said.
15:08
What about another one, which I also really agree with, and I'm also very curious of your
15:12
take on it, which is the idea around compromise.
15:15
Because this is something that we're often told in relationships and in relationship advice
15:20
around, Okay, just compromise.
15:23
Just like compromise is the secret to a happy marriage.
15:25
Right?
15:26
And I feel like that is one of the top things that I've heard in my life, and I would love to
15:34
hear why you pushed back on that one.
15:36
Yeah.
15:36
Well, let me ask you.
15:38
When you think of the word compromise, what does it stir up for you?
15:41
What do you imagine?
15:42
Well, the the reason why I don't like it is because it feels like everybody's gonna lose.
15:47
Like, that's what it stirs up around.
15:48
Nobody is going to get their needs met, like like sacrifice against oneself for the sake of
15:55
the other.
15:55
Right?
15:56
And so that's my biggest thing around, like, well, if we're setting ourselves up for a lose
16:00
lose, if everybody's always not put stating their truth, not putting their boundaries
16:05
around, not not not not not.
16:08
And it really comes down to the sacrifice of oneself versus saying, like, how can we
16:12
actually work together to find ways that we can both be creative, to solve things, to get our
16:18
own needs met in a way where I'm not sacrificing myself because that's what I hear
16:22
in compromises.
16:23
We both have to make sacrifices.
16:26
Yes.
16:26
You you nailed it.
16:28
It's completely that.
16:29
Right?
16:29
When we think of sacrifice, we think that's discouraging.
16:33
It's like just giving up things here and there to meet in the middle, which is just not a very
16:39
hopeful, exciting, like, way to frame it.
16:42
And so I get pushback on this all the time because, again, it's well meaning advice.
16:49
You've got older couples that have been married for long periods of time, and they go, you just
16:53
gotta learn to sacrifice.
16:55
And that just doesn't sound exciting to these, like, brand newlyweds who are, like, you know,
17:00
envisioning this amazing life they're gonna create together.
17:03
They're not going, well, I mean, if I just give up enough stuff and we meet in the middle, that
17:09
will be great.
17:10
Right?
17:11
And so I teach the the concept I teach instead of compromise is collaboration.
17:17
It's much more creative.
17:18
It's much more teamwork focused.
17:21
And really what it is, it requires curiosity.
17:24
It requires both partners to really think about in whatever you're talking about, whether it's
17:30
where you're gonna eat dinner or how you're gonna educate your children, what you're gonna
17:35
do for work, who's gonna work, and how that's gonna work.
17:38
Right?
17:39
All of those things.
17:41
If you get really curious, like, what do I value most about this?
17:46
What means the most to me?
17:48
What do I care about?
17:50
And what am I not willing to sacrifice?
17:52
Right?
17:53
Like like, for me, I mean, if you go really small with eating dinner, right, I don't want a
17:59
menu of spicy things.
18:00
I don't like eating spicy, and my husband does.
18:04
I love seafood and, like, expensive meals and nice ambiance.
18:09
My husband could care less about any of that.
18:11
He values, you know, an inexpensive meal.
18:15
Like, food to him is fuel.
18:16
To me, it's an experience.
18:18
Right?
18:18
And so that's a small thing, like, we're gonna eat dinner every weekend for date night or
18:23
whatever.
18:24
But there's huge things like who's gonna work?
18:27
Who's gonna stay home with the kids?
18:28
Who's gonna handle this part of our marriage or that part of our marriage or whatever?
18:33
And, again, it's important to look inside and go, what is most important to me in this?
18:38
Like, I wanna be at the crossroads when my kids leave for school and come home from school.
18:43
I oh, I you know, making enough money to be able to support our lifestyle is important to
18:49
me.
18:49
There's so many things that I specifically value and my husband specifically values, and
18:54
they're different things.
18:56
And so in order to create a life that really works well for both of us, I have to know not
19:02
only what's important to me, but also what's important to him and why.
19:07
Why those things are important to us?
19:10
Then we can put our heads together and get really creative about how do we create
19:15
something that works really great for both of us, that takes into consideration what we both
19:22
really value, and how can we implement these things when we're on our own?
19:27
Because that's another thing about compromise is it creates a lot of scorekeeping.
19:32
There's a lot of, like, backbiting.
19:34
You know?
19:34
When you're compromising on a lot of things, your kids will drive a wedge between you
19:40
because it's their job to exploit the places where they can get more of what they want even
19:47
if they pit you against each other.
19:49
So if you have a good understanding of what is important to your spouse and why so I'll give
19:55
you a really good example.
19:57
We have very different ideas about technology use in our household.
20:01
I have one idea, and it's on this end of the spectrum.
20:04
And my husband has an idea that's on the opposite end of the spectrum.
20:08
I think technology is a tool.
20:10
I use it for my business.
20:12
I think it's important that our kids understand it and have a good relationship with it.
20:16
My husband thinks we should, like, strike it from the earth.
20:19
He does not want our kids to have any access to technology.
20:22
And I'm going, okay.
20:23
Well, they grow up, and at some point, they have to use it.
20:27
And so I would rather, like, help them figure out how to have a good relationship with it and
20:32
teach them about it rather than just throw them out on their own when they're 18.
20:36
So both of our positions on it are important, and we both have really good arguments for for
20:43
our specific values and positions there.
20:47
So what we do is we're constantly talking about it and coming to not something in the middle,
20:53
which would be compromise.
20:55
We're coming to something better than either of us could have come up with on our own.
21:00
That's collaboration.
21:02
It's so well said and such an important distinction.
21:07
I think there's something to be named to say, Yeah, it doesn't mean that we're going to get
21:10
100% of what we want in every situation, every time.
21:13
I know that's not what
21:14
you're But you're going to get a lot closer to it when you understand the logic behind each of
21:20
your positions.
21:21
Yep, absolutely.
21:23
And to me, a lot of my work is always talking to people about how do we get back on the same
21:27
team again?
21:28
And that's what I hear and what you're describing is rather than being like, Okay,
21:33
we're on two different sides of the boardroom trying to have a meeting and like, Okay, I will
21:38
win or you will win, we're actually back on the same team.
21:41
Right?
21:41
And that's how a huge thing to create a healthy relationship is being on the same team again.
21:47
Realize that we have ultimately probably very, very similar common goals.
21:52
We both want happiness.
21:53
We both want the connection.
21:54
We both want our kids to thrive.
21:56
We both want a happy household.
21:57
Like right?
21:57
Exactly.
21:58
Yes.
21:59
Yes.
22:00
And you gain a lot more respect for each other when you understand that, like, he sees things
22:06
from a very different point of view than I do.
22:09
It's kind of like when you're talking about same team, offense and defense, your jobs are
22:14
very different.
22:15
You also have a very different perspective of what's going on on the field.
22:19
You need both.
22:21
Like, you're not gonna win a game with all offense or all defense.
22:24
Exactly.
22:25
It's so important to know these things about each other rather than just, like, toss it in,
22:30
be like, well, I'll just play in the middle of the field.
22:33
Exactly.
22:34
And we're gonna talk about more of this in part two, everybody.
22:37
We're gonna get into some areas of Monica's expertise around roommate syndrome and
22:43
resentment, which I know comes up for so many people in their long term relationships, so
22:48
we're gonna get into all of that and more.
22:50
Remember, if you want to hear from some of our expert guests, as well as get our year long
22:56
program in Hot Monogamy, you can join that by the link below.
23:02
And I want to make sure you know about Monica's work, as well as she has a freebie for you
23:07
guys, which is really exciting.
23:09
So Monica, can you tell us a little bit about your freebie, your 50 Connecting Questions to
23:13
Ask Your Spouse, as well as how people work with you?
23:18
Absolutely.
23:18
Thank you so much.
23:20
Yeah.
23:20
So the the free gift that I have for you is 50 connecting questions.
23:24
The reality is is that a connected, loving, passionate, intimate marriage isn't gonna
23:32
happen by accident.
23:33
You have to create it one conversation at a time.
23:35
And so these questions are really good questions, not only to get to know each other
23:40
better, but also to understand each other's values so that you can collaborate like we've
23:45
been talking about.
23:46
So, yes, these these are 50 questions designed specifically, even if you've been married for
23:51
decades, to help you understand each other better.
23:55
Amazing.
23:56
And then you work with couples most of the time, right, in in a, like, a counseling type
24:00
of setting.
24:01
Correct?
24:02
Absolutely, yes.
24:03
I do couples coaching, both weekly coaching, as well as intensive, format, which is like a, we
24:08
spend a weekend together, knock it all out.
24:11
So yes, and you can learn all about that at my website, monikatanner.com.
24:15
And well, all of those links below the show notes as always, everybody.
24:19
Make sure you do subscribe if you haven't yet so we can get part two.
24:23
We're going to go into roommate syndrome, resentment, and more.
24:25
Like I said, please share this with your spouse, your friends, your girlfriends, your
24:30
man friends, anybody that you think could use this advice.
24:33
We'll see you all again in another episode.
24:36
Thank you, Monica.
24:40
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
24:42
Please don't keep me a secret.
24:44
Please share this with your friends.
24:45
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.