Latest / Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur / The neuroscience of why you dream big but do nothing (& how to fix it)

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The neuroscience of why you dream big but do nothing (& how to fix it) · Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

• 0:00
  There's a feeling that a lot of people are walking around with right now.
• 0:05
  And they can't explain it, but neuroscience can explain this.
• 0:10
  They have big dreams.
• 0:12
  They can see the version of themselves that is confident, disciplined, calm with their kids and doing work that actually matters to them.
• 0:23
  Work that feels like it's what they were meant to be doing.
• 0:28
  They can see it so clearly.
• 0:29
  And then nothing.
• 0:31
  The alarm goes off, you hit snooze, the notebook stays closed.
• 0:37
  The research is still in drafts.
• 0:40
  And they tell themselves sometimes, I'll do it next month, I'll do it when things settle down, or tomorrow.
• 0:47
  You're not stuck because you're lazy.
• 0:50
  You're not stuck because you don't want it enough.
• 0:54
  You're stuck because nobody ever explained what happens in your body the moment you sit down to begin, when you've got that great idea.
• 1:05
  And once you understand this, you'll stop taking it as proof that it's not possible or feeling like maybe it's not happening because it's not possible.
• 1:17
  And you stop that fight.
• 1:19
  There's fear feeding your self doubt and you'll start moving.
• 1:25
  I'm someone who spent 20 years in corporate and made it to partner level at FTSE 250.
• 1:32
  And in all of that, the thing I got obsessed about was not the strategy, but it was why capable people, people with every resource, they're so intelligent and every reason to move and succeed don't.
• 1:50
  And I've been researching this ever since.
• 1:52
  I've taken more than 100 people through my own program working on exactly this.
• 1:58
  I use two things to do this, science and spirituality.
• 2:03
  Most people focus on one, and that's what this episode is.
• 2:08
  So what you're really looking at is an identity gap.
• 2:13
  That's who you are right now.
• 2:15
  And there's the version of you that you can see yourself becoming.
• 2:20
  And the distance between the two people, if you like, is not a character flaw.
• 2:26
  It's a structure, like building a bridge so you can get to the other side, which means that gap can be closed.
• 2:33
  But what I want you to notice something about this gap because there's two questions sitting inside it.
• 2:40
  And almost nobody asks the second one.
• 2:43
  The first question is why you can't move.
• 2:46
  And this one has a real answer.
• 2:49
  It's a nervous system answer, it's a neuroscience answer.
• 2:54
  I'm going to walk you through the research, including Dr.
• 2:57
  Tim Pitchell, who spent 20 years showing that procrastination is not a time management problem at all, and Dr.
• 3:06
  Piers Steele, who took everything we know about it and turned it into one single equation.
• 3:12
  By the end of this, you're gonna understand exactly what's happening inside your body the moment that you sit down to begin.
• 3:20
  And I'm gonna give you one tool that you can work with.
• 3:23
  The second question is the one that I can't stop thinking about and why you can see this vision, the life that you want is specific.
• 3:34
  It has a texture.
• 3:36
  It's like something in you knows that this is possible for you.
• 3:40
  We're going to go into the science first and then we're going to come back to why you can see it so clearly, even if it's like snippets.
• 3:48
  But those snippets are so clear.
• 3:51
  So let's start.
• 3:52
  Intention is a terrible predictor of behavior.
• 3:57
  Pascal Sheeran has spent his career measuring this.
• 4:01
  And across the research he shows that your intentions explain less than a third of what you actually do.
• 4:12
  So even when researchers succeed in making people want something more, the change in behavior is small.
• 4:21
  So the people responsible for most of the gap have a name for this in literature is called inclined abstainers.
• 4:31
  They fully intend to act, but they don't.
• 4:36
  So wanting it more is really not a lever.
• 4:40
  It has never been a lever.
• 4:42
  If wanting it more worked, you would have done it already.
• 4:47
  Because I promise you, you're not short on wanting.
• 4:50
  Deep down, you want this.
• 4:53
  Here's what exactly is happening.
• 4:55
  Dr.
• 4:56
  Tim Pitchell spent over 20 years on this and his conclusion is deceptively simple.
• 5:02
  Procrastination is not a time management problem.
• 5:06
  And now we know it's not a wanting problem either.
• 5:09
  It's an emotion management problem.
• 5:12
  Your emotions, you don't avoid a task because you're bad at scheduling or you don't want it enough.
• 5:19
  You're actually avoiding approaching it because it feels bad and you are avoiding it making you feel bad.
• 5:28
  That's why you're stopping.
• 5:29
  I know it sounds crazy because maybe you want this, but there's a part of you that emotionally is worried about, maybe it'll be more work.
• 5:39
  He and Dr.
• 5:40
  Fushiya Sirius call it a short term mood repair.
• 5:45
  You're not being lazy.
• 5:46
  You're regulating, but it's costing you your future.
• 5:50
  You're avoiding it in the immediate because you want to avoid feeling a discomfort and it's a trap.
• 5:59
  You avoid it now so that you can get that relief and your body files it away as a win.
• 6:06
  And the next time the discomfort comes, it feels a little bigger and the avoiding is a little easier.
• 6:15
  So that loop becomes stronger.
• 6:19
  Now.
• 6:20
  Dr.
• 6:20
  Pierce Steele went At this from a different direction, he gathered nearly 700 correlations from the research and turned it into one equation.
• 6:30
  I'm not going to ask you to do maths, but let's look at this in plain language.
• 6:35
  The more you doubt yourself that you can do it, the less reward you feel.
• 6:43
  And that means that in the moment, it pulls you away from actually achieving what it is that you want.
• 6:53
  If you doubt that you can do it, that means that you're thinking, oh, I'm less likely to achieve it.
• 7:00
  So then you're less likely to move and do it because.
• 7:04
  Because you're thinking, why bother investing my time in it?
• 7:07
  Because I might not achieve the outcome that I'm looking for anyway.
• 7:12
  So let's notice that equation.
• 7:15
  If you have doubt, you distance yourself from it and notice what isn't changing though.
• 7:22
  Your desire.
• 7:23
  It doesn't mean that you have less desire for it.
• 7:26
  So let's just sit with that for a moment.
• 7:31
  You've got your dream and you've not stopped wanting it.
• 7:34
  But what happens is that somewhere below your conscious awareness, you're not aware of it.
• 7:41
  Your body has actually run a calculation on the effort required to actually get that job done.
• 7:50
  And it's quietly deciding, hey, it's too much effort today, I'm not doing it.
• 7:57
  Here's the part that nobody really says out loud and it's the reason why this episode exists.
• 8:03
  You are not equally stuck on everything in your life.
• 8:07
  Maybe you're quite efficient in other areas, like you're really good at doing things around the house, or you're very good at replying to your emails, or you've showed up for other people who need help.
• 8:20
  You are by any reasonable measure a capable person who gets things done.
• 8:25
  You're stuck in one area and it happens to be the thing that really matters the most in your life.
• 8:34
  And that's no coincidence and it isn't ironic.
• 8:37
  It's mechanical.
• 8:39
  When a goal is central to who you are failing at it doesn't cost you the goal, it costs you the story that you have about yourself, your current identity, that change.
• 8:52
  Like if I change in a big way from who I am and my whole life changes if I achieve this goal, well that means you're gonna have to change as a whole person.
• 9:03
  And there's a lot of research on what people, when they feeling this kind of threat that there's gonna be a huge amount of change, they self handicap, they create obstacles so it goes badly.
• 9:15
  Or you focus on other things in your life that are obstacles.
• 9:21
  You delay because as long as you haven't started, you haven't failed, and the dream stays perfect, intact and safe.
• 9:30
  Not trying is the only strategy that guarantees this dream at least will be still alive.
• 9:39
  So if you've been quietly wondering why you run a department but you can't write the first page of your business plan, it's not a discipline problem.
• 9:48
  You're protecting something.
• 9:50
  If you have adhd, procrastination is often genuinely a part of it is wired into how your brain handles delay, attention and emotion.
• 10:00
  It's not something you can just white knuckle, get properly assessed, properly supported, and everything in this episode will still help.
• 10:09
  It just shouldn't be the only thing you're leaning on.
• 10:14
  You want to help and support yourself so you've got all the resources available to you so you can truly move forward.
• 10:20
  Be kind to yourself.
• 10:22
  Be loving towards yourself.
• 10:24
  Be understanding.
• 10:24
  Be your best friend to yourself.
• 10:27
  Now I'm going to tell you something that costs me to accept because it cuts against how people in my world talk.
• 10:35
  The vision is not the fuel.
• 10:38
  Gabrielle Ottington has spent decades on this, and the finding is consistent and unwelcome.
• 10:46
  When people vividly fantasize about the future that they want, they actually become less able to achieve it.
• 10:56
  Not more, less.
• 10:58
  In one study, her team found that positive fantasizing measurably lowered people's blood pressure, which was a physical marker of the body powering down.
• 11:09
  You feel calmer, you feel further along, and the energy you need to actually take action.
• 11:17
  It's like it leaves you because as far as your body is concerned, you've already done it.
• 11:24
  You've done it.
• 11:24
  You just went and it was lovely.
• 11:26
  And you've done all that visualizing and all those years of holding a picture and wanting to feel ready, that wasn't neutral.
• 11:34
  It's like a slow leak.
• 11:37
  I'm not saying that visualization isn't important.
• 11:40
  It is.
• 11:41
  But here's what they don't tell us.
• 11:45
  And this is the part of the research that is so important.
• 11:49
  Your vision is worth so much.
• 11:52
  It was never just about giving you fuel to move forward.
• 11:58
  The vision is data is telling you what you value.
• 12:03
  It's not telling you what to do tomorrow or Tuesday or your to do list.
• 12:09
  That's the difference between these two things.
• 12:12
  There's an entire gap.
• 12:14
  So here's a question I get and I get it constantly.
• 12:16
  How do I know if my vision is even right for me?
• 12:21
  How do I know what it is that I'm meant to do?
• 12:24
  If it's a Fantasy or it's an escape or a version of me, but it's not meant for me.
• 12:30
  The best way to know whether a vision is right for you and how to empower your visualization so you achieve it is to know that you cannot think your way into certainty about life if you haven't experienced it.
• 12:48
  The information that you're waiting for, like that, go ahead.
• 12:51
  That, yes, this is right for you.
• 12:53
  It really isn't there.
• 12:54
  It never has been.
• 12:56
  No one outside of you knows whether this is right for you or not, and nor do you know fully whether it's the right move for you or not.
• 13:05
  The only way to know is through the other side of the action.
• 13:10
  Through action we become clearer.
• 13:12
  It's only through taking small steps forward does it become clear.
• 13:17
  Clarity is not the thing you need before you move.
• 13:21
  Clarity comes from moving, from doing you notice.
• 13:26
  Oh, this is what I like to do.
• 13:28
  This is what I don't like to do.
• 13:29
  This worked for me, this didn't work for me.
• 13:32
  And we learn each time and we become clearer and clearer and clearer as we move forward.
• 13:37
  And that's why visioning with action is so powerful.
• 13:43
  It feels responsible.
• 13:45
  It's like, oh, I'm going to wait, I'm going to learn this and then I'm going to take action.
• 13:49
  But sitting there and turning it over and getting more information and weighing it, trying to be sure and doing exactly it, perfect, like it's in your head, it feels like a process, but actually it's not generating forward movement.
• 14:06
  And it's the most sophisticated form of avoidance available to anyone that's highly intelligent people that are overthinkers, the most capable people are really good at this.
• 14:18
  So the question is never is this the right vision.
• 14:21
  The question is, what is the next right action for you, roughly, to get you to that vision?
• 14:30
  And I want you to be precise about that word because I don't mean the correct thing for you to do, I mean the right next action.
• 14:39
  And it's small enough that if you're wrong about costs you almost nothing.
• 14:46
  But actually what you gain is another forward movement because you might be wrong.
• 14:53
  And when we're saying wrong, nothing you do is going to be wrong because it's going to help you move forward.
• 14:59
  Either way, you might take an action and discover this isn't it.
• 15:04
  You know, this isn't really what I want to do.
• 15:06
  Great.
• 15:06
  That's not a failure, that's a result.
• 15:09
  Now you know what doesn't work for you, but you don't have to think about it.
• 15:13
  For another eight months, for instance, the wrong action returns information and it returns information a lot faster.
• 15:21
  Non action, on the other hand, trying to discover more and more information, it returns nothing for you.
• 15:29
  You don't experience it.
• 15:31
  Now, will it feel bad taking an action and you still don't know whether you're on the right track or not?
• 15:37
  Yes, you're not going to feel ready, you're not going to feel so excited, you might even feel dread, but you're going to do it anyway.
• 15:46
  And you're not going to stop waiting for yourself to feel totally motivated because that's not coming.
• 15:52
  You're just going to take the next right action while feeling exactly how you feel and seeing the outcome and then building on it.
• 16:01
  And here's what happens when you do that.
• 16:03
  And this is what supports the thing I'm going to say or episode.
• 16:08
  Your brain does not update on arguments or information.
• 16:12
  It updates on experience.
• 16:15
  That's your evidence.
• 16:17
  You can tell people yourself you're capable a thousand times.
• 16:21
  It will change nothing because you don't have proof.
• 16:25
  But when you do one hard thing badly and it and you feel terrible, something shifts inside you because you think, oh, I did it, even though I wasn't good.
• 16:37
  And it doesn't matter if you've succeeded or not, but now you have evidence of what works and what doesn't work and what you want to improve on.
• 16:45
  Albert Bandura spent his life on this.
• 16:49
  And finding is consistent.
• 16:51
  The single strongest source of belief in you is not encouragement and it's not affirmation, it's mastering experience.
• 17:02
  It's having actually done the thing.
• 17:05
  Everything else is a distant second, which means it runs the opposite way to how you've been trying to do it.
• 17:13
  You've been waiting to believe so that you can act.
• 17:17
  It goes, act, get evidence, believe.
• 17:21
  And then the next action costs a little less and you take a slightly bigger action.
• 17:28
  And that's what momentum feels like.
• 17:31
  It's a feeling.
• 17:32
  It's accumulating a pile of proof.
• 17:35
  And this is why the micro step matters so much and why it isn't a compromise.
• 17:41
  The point of a small action is not that it's easy.
• 17:45
  The point is it's undeniable.
• 17:48
  It's happened and your body experienced it, your brain experienced it, and your nervous system is now accepting of it.
• 17:58
  It's safe, quick interruption.
• 18:00
  I've made something for you.
• 18:02
  It's a guide.
• 18:03
  It's a masterclass that will help you through the identity gap.
• 18:07
  It takes you through this gap and it helps you bridge that gap.
• 18:12
  So that you can then move forward.
• 18:14
  It's free.
• 18:15
  And I'll make sure it's in my show notes.
• 18:18
  Now, I promised you a second question and I want to keep that promise.
• 18:23
  Everything I've told you explains why you don't move.
• 18:27
  It does not explain the dream.
• 18:30
  Nothing in science tells you why you see your dream the way you see it.
• 18:35
  Nothing explains why.
• 18:38
  It's just nagging at you and it won't leave you alone.
• 18:41
  Maybe you've tried to ignore it and say it's not going to happen, but it keeps coming back.
• 18:45
  It's something like a nagging person that just keeps coming up in your mind over and over again.
• 18:53
  And we've covered the research that tells us what's blocking us from moving forward, but it has almost nothing to say about why you have the desire in the first place.
• 19:06
  I'm not gonna try and fill the silence with brain chemistry because I don't think it's brain chemistry.
• 19:13
  I think you're being called to be yourself.
• 19:17
  It's your soul.
• 19:19
  And I think the reason you can see it clearly is it is something you already know and you've known it for a long time and has been waiting for you to be willing to find out.
• 19:32
  You've been called to do this.
• 19:35
  And here's what I've learned.
• 19:37
  It's the thing that I'd want you to take from this.
• 19:42
  Being called is not the same as being certain.
• 19:46
  The calling doesn't come with a map.
• 19:49
  It comes with, hey, this is the rough direction.
• 19:54
  And it's about listening to that.
• 19:57
  The There's a parable of talents in Matthew 25.
• 20:01
  The master gives three servants, different amounts and goes away.
• 20:05
  Two of them go out and use what they were given and they multiply it.
• 20:10
  The third one is afraid, so he buries it in the ground and keeps it perfectly safe.
• 20:18
  And it stays exactly the same size as it was.
• 20:21
  And when the master comes back, he loses everything.
• 20:26
  I used to think that story was about money.
• 20:29
  It isn't.
• 20:30
  It's a story about what happens when you're given something and you protect it instead of expressing it, investing your energy into it.
• 20:41
  Because if you follow that dream, it will reward you.
• 20:45
  That go beyond just money itself.
• 20:48
  Prosperity will come your way, though, because.
• 20:50
  Because if you can see the value of what you've been given and you allow others to experience the value that you bring in the world, you will receive and experience who you truly are.
• 21:05
  And you experience that value.
• 21:07
  Maybe you've buried the thing.
• 21:09
  Not because you don't care about it.
• 21:11
  Because you care about it more than anything else.
• 21:15
  And that's the way you think you're keeping it safe.
• 21:18
  What I'm saying to you is, hey, let's dig it up.
• 21:21
  It's not going to survive down there.
• 21:23
  It's never going to.
• 21:24
  But we need to invest it.
• 21:26
  We need to express it so that you can truly experience the value, the greatness that is within you.
• 21:35
  Not next week, not next month, not when things settle down, because they don't.
• 21:40
  And now is the time to act.
• 21:43
  So what's the next right action for you?
• 21:46
  Small enough that being wrong about it costs you nothing at all.
• 21:51
  But you're gathering intel.
• 21:53
  You're gathering momentum.
• 21:55
  Take it.
• 21:56
  Feel the dread and do it anyway.
• 21:58
  Because maybe what you have and that gift that you have will take you beyond what you can even imagine.
• 22:08
  That's how much value you have.
• 22:10
  Because as you take action, you'll get clearer.
• 22:13
  And if that's something you do want to do, please do look at my masterclass and please send me a comment.
• 22:20
  What is this thing that you want to do that you haven't started yet?
• 22:24
  And tell me, what is that next right action?
• 22:27
  And just taking a micro action today, you're starting.
• 22:31
  You're making that next step forward.
• 22:33
  And remember, bring love, understanding, compassion towards yourself.
• 22:39
  Because truly, love is the greatest healer.
• 22:43
  I'm sending you so much love.
• 22:45
  Till next time.