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Emotional Deception, Defined · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to just record an introduction to the forthcoming series of the psychology of emotional deception.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm doing this because I think it's important to provide something of a preparatory tone.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And in some senses, I guess this is a way of saying what the series is and what it isn't.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because in this series, we're going to explore this subject, and it is deeply uncomfortable, but it's psychologically important.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't a series about blame, nor is it about labelling individuals as bad or toxic.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's about understanding.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about understanding the mechanisms, the motivations, the impact and the aftermath of deception in adult relationships, because emotional deception is really simple.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It may involve infidelity, concealment, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional triangulation, double lives, or the quiet distortion of reality over time.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: But psychologically, it's never just behavior.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's communication, it's a defense, it's attachment, it's fear and power, and often it's shame.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So in this series, I will be drawing on a range of psychological frameworks.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: We will consider attachment theory, particularly how insecure attachment patterns, including avoidant and disorganized structures, can underpin relational dishonesty.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: We'll reflect on something called object relations theory and how the internal working model or relational templates can lead individuals to split, project, or defensively manage intimacy.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: We will think about defense mechanisms and their origins.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: We'll look at denial, relation, rationalization, projection and dissociation, and how deception often functions not simply as a strategy against another person, but as a defense against the self.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds quite complicated, but I'll endeavour to break it down into manageable bite-sized pieces.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: We will explore mentalization, which is the capacity to hold one's own mind and the mind of another in view.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: This will draw on the work of Peter Fonegie and colleagues, and how deception often involves a collapse of reflective functioning.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of the terms that is frequently used and has almost become a buzz term is that of emotional intelligence.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Mentalization is the more informed explanation of what that means.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional intelligence is an easy term to use.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: However, those who are behaving in a way that is experienced as emotionally deceptive very often have compromised emotional intelligence.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: We'll consider trauma responses, shame, regulation difficulties, narcissistic defenses, and the dynamics of coercive control.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll speak about the person who's been on the receiving end, because it does something profound to them.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: It disrupts trust, destabilizes reality, interferes with memory, and it alters the sense of self.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: In some cases, it produces symptoms that resemble trauma responses, hypervigilance, intrusive rumination, emotional dregulation.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it leaves people questioning their own judgment, their perception, and even their sanity.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen this many times in the consulting room, and I've seen the damage that has been sustained.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a sense, the series will endeavour to move carefully between two positions, understanding the psychology of the person who deceives and understanding the psychological injury experienced by the person who is deceived.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Both of these matter and both deserve thoughtful examination because although we don't excuse harmful behaviour, neither can we just reduce complex human psychology to caricature.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: If we are to understand emotional deception properly, we must hold a paradox that someone can both wound another person and be acting from their own unprocessed fear.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: That someone can love and deceive, that someone can feel shame and continue to lie, and that deception can be both intentional but also it can be defensive.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a sense, deception may not have been intended, but it is the outcome.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps more importantly, we'll explore what recovery looks like.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: What does it mean to rebuild a coherent sense of self after relational betrayal?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: What does it mean to reclaim insta internal stability?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: What does it mean to stop asking or seeking answers from someone who cannot and who will not provide them?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: As always, this podcast and the series aren't a substitute for therapy, but it is an invitation to think, to think about power, vulnerability, attachment, and truth, and particularly what happens psychologically when truth is fractured.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you have experienced emotional deception, you may very well find parts of this series confronting.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: But my hope is that you will also find it steadying and hopefully clarifying because clarity restores dignity and understanding restores agency.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Part one will come tomorrow.