Latest / Libido Lounge / She's Not Broken. He Just Doesn't Know How Yet with Dr. Saida Désilets & Aaron Michael

Transcript

She's Not Broken. He Just Doesn't Know How Yet with Dr. Saida Désilets & Aaron Michael · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  The most basic way of looking at it is the percentage of men that have an orgasm every
• 0:04
  time they have sex is well above ninety five percent.
• 0:08
  Doctor.
• 0:08
  Sayeda and Aaron Michael are the founders of Embodied Love University.
• 0:13
  So And proud I'm two scientific papers, and over 20 online courses of and so much more.
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  And then depending on what statistics you read, if they're in a relationship, it can be in the
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  sixties and I've even heard lower down to like twelve percent for a woman having an orgasm
• 0:44
  during sex.
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  There's a lot of different reasons this could be happening but one of the things that we look
• 0:49
  at it's a lack of education.
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  It's not a heteronormative issue, it's strictly a penetrative issue.
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  And once you understand things as a system, you can have systemic change.
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  And that is something that we did.
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  Hi, everybody.
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  Welcome back to The Lounge.
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  I am so excited to bring on two very special guests today.
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  And as always, I'm your host, Doctor.
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  Diane.
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  And we're gonna talk today about something we've talked about before.
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  We're gonna get a very different unique perspective and also different and unique
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  solutions for you guys.
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  So, we're talking today about the orgasm gap.
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  We're talking about intimacy.
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  We're gonna learn about a new pleasure methodology for you guys.
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  And as always, we're gonna talk about solutions, strategies, and action steps.
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  So to lead us in this conversation, I'm so excited to introduce you to Doctor.
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  Syeda and Aaron Michael, as they are founders, as you heard, of the Embodied Love University,
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  where they are experts.
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  They've been working on this for decades, formulating their programs, their protocols,
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  their methodologies to really help people bust down myths around sex and rebuild up their
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  intimacy life in a way that works.
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  So, thank you so much for joining me today.
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  It's just an absolute pleasure to meet you both and get to know you a bit.
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  Fantastic.
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  Thank you for having us here.
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  Yeah.
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  We're very excited too, and absolutely love the look.
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  It's very hot, very sexy.
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  Thank you.
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  That is that is the goal with what we do, you know?
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  So, I know my audience.
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  I know everybody listening.
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  Most people have heard of the orgasm gap, and if not, can probably infer from that.
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  But just to make sure before we jump in with questions, can you guys define, you know, how
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  you would define the orgasm gap?
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  I just want to make sure if anybody is not caught up on this, that we catch them up before
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  we dive in.
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  Well, I mean, the most basic way of looking at it is the percentage of men that have an orgasm
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  every time they have sex is well above ninety five percent.
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  I think it's maybe ninety seven, ninety eight percent.
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  And then depending on what statistics you read, if they're in a relationship, it can be in the
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  sixties.
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  And then if they're not, and I've even heard lower down to like the twelve percent for a
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  woman having an orgasm during sex.
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  This is from penetration alone.
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  I think the higher statistics are if you have foreplay involved and the lower ones are not.
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  Interestingly enough, those that are in couples and relationships have slightly higher
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  percentages both for men and women as opposed to one night stand.
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  So why do you think this is?
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  Why do you think we have the orgasm gap?
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  And I think that, you know, people kinda see like, understand some level of, like, you know,
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  of, like, what maybe people would say would be obvious around, it's just like women do need
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  more time to warm up, to get their juices flowing, to get that blood flow to the erectile
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  tissue.
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  But in your experience with what you've studied, what would you say are the top, like,
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  root causes, both physical, emotional, you know, relational and more, from a standpoint of
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  why this gap is occurring?
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  And I also wanna just name right now for listeners that what you heard around, hey, you
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  know, the lower percentage of women that have orgasms, obviously, we're talking about
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  penetrative sex, but I always like to name, just because you haven't had an orgasm yet or
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  you haven't had one in a long time, this is all fixable, which is why you have experts like,
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  you know, like Doctor.
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  Syeda and Aaron and myself to help you with these things.
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  That, you know, without further ado, please do, you know, comment if you would on like some of
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  those root causes for us.
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  There's a lot of different reasons this could be happening, but one of the things that we
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  look at, it's a lack of education.
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  We, for some reason, have chosen not to teach people about the most foundational way to
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  connect, which is penetration.
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  It doesn't matter what orientation a person is sexually.
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  You're usually wanting to stick something in something.
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  And if that's not done well, then there's a problem.
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  So when it comes to heterosexual relationships, that's where the biggest gap is found.
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  And we just really believe that when people don't understand how the different bodies could
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  work together, the pleasure system that's involved versus looking at it from a
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  reproductive point of view, really looking at it from pleasure anatomy, and then not
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  understanding how to even work their own body in a way that can create synergy and mutual
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  pleasure.
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  So a lot of our work addresses this.
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  The paper that we wrote, we studied the method.
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  We had incredible results with very little.
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  So what's exciting for me is when we can educate people like your beautiful audience,
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  It's simple things to learn that can create more and more connection.
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  First, with yourself and then obviously with a partner.
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  I'd also like to add to that, to that on the most basic level, you could say that it's the
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  amount of time that a person, until they reach orgasm, males typically five, seven minutes.
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  And then depending on again, studies you read post being warmed up, etcetera, the best
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  statistic you'll get in terms of lesser times for females around fourteen point three seven
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  minutes, something around that.
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  So that's an obvious one, but I feel that it goes a lot deeper though, just in terms of
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  understanding one's anatomy.
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  Just the word penetration itself is a one directional word And we just simply haven't
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  learned much around mutual pleasure.
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  And most of the advice out there is all kind of tips and techniques.
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  There's no real system to understanding how the bodies complement one another, because what we
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  have found as well is that when it comes to acts of penetration versus just general sex, it
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  actually is not an orientation, a sexual orientation issue.
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  It's not a heteronormative issue.
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  It's strictly a penetrative issue.
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  Our clients come from all walks of life.
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  So, even though the orgasm gap is the largest with heterosexual, there's still many, many
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  couples who are facing difficulty and challenge around.
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  They wanna have mutual orgasm.
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  They wanna have that experience together.
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  It's something that's stressful and doesn't work for a lot of people.
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  Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
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  And I wanna talk about your method and kinda solutions.
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  And I know, obviously, the, you know, teaching all of it is like way more than we have time
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  for in any given podcast.
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  But at least like to explain your method as well as maybe an intro action step.
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  Before we get into that, I noticed on your website that one of the myths that you like
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  busting is that lasting longer is isn't a choice.
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  That the myth is like, oh, there's there's not a choice with lasting longer.
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  It's just how it is.
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  Right?
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  So then the, you know, the bust of that probably would be lasting longer is a choice.
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  We do have a choice to last longer.
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  So can you talk to us about that?
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  Because I think that's gonna probably be shocking for a lot of, you know, people around
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  like, Well, I don't have a lot of choice.
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  Like, this is just, you know, like, I get revved up.
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  I last five to seven minutes, like you said, most commonly.
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  And that's just how it is.
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  And, you know, we just need to accept it.
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  And I think, you know, women and men alike just wind up accepting this.
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  And then with media and everything else that portrays that as normal, which is kind of
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  further propagates that as like, Oh yeah, what's the problem?
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  So, you know, before we get into solutions, can we talk about that myth and what you've seen
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  with why that is not true?
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  Well, in terms of understanding, I mean, this is one of the foundations that we will speak
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  about, is understanding the anatomy as a system of pleasure, as opposed to just a system of
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  reproduction.
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  And this is typically where the medical society comes in.
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  It's a little bit of education on how pleasure maybe ties into reproduction.
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  You'd see some of this getting advanced with Masters and Johnson's, but, it hasn't really
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  advanced too much since then, our understanding.
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  And so what you'll end up finding is that for men in particular, is, or anyone with a male
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  body, it's a conditioning issue for the most part.
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  It's in front of pornography or by themselves, and it's done to reach orgasm very quickly.
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  And so what you train for is the results that you have.
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  For female bodies, it is also interesting, too, to look at what we're talking about as female
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  erectile dysfunction.
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  Most female bodies have not ever had the chance to reach full engorgement.
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  And that doesn't happen by just pure external clitoral stimulation.
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  I wanted to add.
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  And therefore, the last
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  thing.
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  Yeah.
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  I wanted to add to that is it's really quite phenomenal what we've seen in, say, the men's
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  program.
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  The Yapha program is a twenty one day thing.
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  And most guys, even by day three, are having spectacular shifts, and that's only six minutes
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  of practice.
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  So, why we're so excited to lean in and invite people into possibility.
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  It's just, let's break free from what we think is, this is the ceiling and then lean into
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  possibility and then be willing to have a little adventure.
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  And for the guys, the adventure is going to be first with your own hands.
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  And by how you use those hands, how you use your body, the movement, your breath, your
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  attitude can completely transform your sex life sometimes overnight.
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  And definitely by day 14, we've had men report they're having almost psychedelic pleasure with
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  themselves.
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  And it definitely translates with a partner.
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  Say more about this method, if you would.
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  And I want to highlight, you know, that you're saying, Okay, six minutes, right?
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  Because I think so often, and I don't know if you hear this in your work, I imagine you
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  probably do, I certainly do in mine, where I'm like, Well, I don't have time.
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  I don't have time to put into this.
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  And, my biggest response is, well, do you want your relationship to be great?
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  Do you want to experience all the benefits and the health benefits, the spiritual benefits,
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  everything else that pleasure can do?
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  And it's like, we say we don't want to go to the gym, if we say we wanna show up for our
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  kids' sports games, you know, we we we put that into our day.
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  We actually say, hey, this is important enough to schedule some time and to actually
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  prioritize it over other things.
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  And all that being said, you know, I think highlighting what you said around like, wow,
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  you can achieve, you know, some level of progress in six minutes is also a really
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  noteworthy thing for people to hear.
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  So tell us a little bit about like, you know, more the methodology, if you would, and, you
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  know, why something is like six minutes a day can be so transformative.
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  Well, first of all, it's an entire system.
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  And once you understand things as a system, you can have systemic change.
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  Now, the way that this happens specifically for the AFAP program is they're using masturbation
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  to simply become the training ground for having epic sex.
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  And you get seven different tools to connect to your body, and you literally practice for one
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  minute the first day, and then you add a minute each day, three days, six minutes.
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  And the first pieces of that is learning to feel with the entire body to centralize.
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  The second part is the relationship between the heart and genitals, which gradually turns,
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  brings men into their emotions and the ability to start to feel from here as well as in their
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  genitals.
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  And then the third part is learning to actually voice their pleasure.
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  A lot of us guys, we bottle things up.
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  And when that ends up happening, and especially have all of the sensation localized to I don't
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  know how your your listeners like to hear it, penis, cock.
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  Any work.
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  All of the above are good.
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  That's then where there is a lot of times either a premature ejaculation, but frankly
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  also loss of erection during it, or even delayed ejaculation.
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  So, our life, what we're looking is to use the sensuality of everyone has sensuality because
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  we make sense of reality through our senses.
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  So, enhancing our sensuality, very specifically as a practice.
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  So creating more sensation, actually, not less in order to experience.
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  And yes, more choice, control choice, but more pleasure and more delight and actually more
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  vitality.
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  And what's incredible is when people start to charge themselves up this way, it not only
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  impacts the bedroom, it impacts their life in general because they just have more magnetism,
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  more charisma, more energy, more spark.
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  And that is something magnificent.
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  So we teach them to last longer by feeling more as opposed to feeling less, which I think is a
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  really important shift in terms of how most people think about this.
• 13:52
  And it isn't just edging, which is delaying the time to ejaculation.
• 13:57
  You're actually boosting your pleasure capacity.
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  A lot of us have become normalized to deal with a certain amount of pain in our life.
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  But when I've worked with people that even have very serious cases of trauma, which is where I
• 14:09
  started off with working with women that had trauma, the thing that scared them the most, it
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  wasn't coming in touch with the pain.
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  It was actually accepting the vast potential that they had when embracing their pleasure.
• 14:23
  Yeah.
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  That doesn't surprise me at all.
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  And even You know, it's even interesting in research around motivation.
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  We see that people are motivated towards pleasure or away from pain.
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  And when researchers have studied this, the majority of people are actually more motivated
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  by running away from pain than they're running, you know, running toward Right?
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  So that totally matches with what you're saying.
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  And I wanna ask you a little bit about your thoughts on kind of the vicious mind cycle that
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  people will get into where there's any sort of like performance, say anxiety, because I think
• 14:56
  in performance anxiety is one of the things that can pop people out of their body and out
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  of the somatic experience because, you know, they're worried about maybe they didn't have a
• 15:06
  heart on long enough the last time, or they got a little bit flaccid at some point in the
• 15:11
  middle of sex.
• 15:11
  So, for a woman, it might be things around vaginal dryness, or maybe she's worried about
• 15:17
  her belly rolls in a certain position, or whatever it is that's like popping her out of
• 15:21
  her body, it's, or his body, so it's very difficult to be present.
• 15:26
  Before I do that, I do wanna actually give a shout out to one of my sponsors here.
• 15:31
  This is a really good time to do so because one of the things that I've seen personally that
• 15:36
  can help men so much, and also women too, with getting into their pleasure and with building
• 15:41
  up their confidence again, Or by for men, it's using penis pumps.
• 15:46
  Because oftentimes when we use these, and I love this company by Doctor.
• 15:49
  Joel Kaplan because one of the biggest problems we see with penis pumps is that a lot of them
• 15:54
  have this hard gasket on the bottom where it's just a one size fits all, and then it'll pump
• 16:00
  blood in into the penis and make it hard.
• 16:03
  But because of the gasket, it's actually creating a long term circulatory problem
• 16:07
  because it's blocking some of that blood flow versus his company has been researched, FDA
• 16:12
  validated so many things so you can get the right sizes.
• 16:15
  I have two of them here, but there's many more so that you don't have to use that gasket.
• 16:19
  So you're really then actually allowing yourself to get a fully erect penis prior to
• 16:26
  actually having penetrative sex.
• 16:28
  Or even if you are in the middle of it and something happens, there's a way to actually
• 16:32
  get that erection back.
• 16:33
  You can also combine it with cock rings to help.
• 16:36
  And this company also has amazing clitoral and vulva pumps too, which can help too, especially
• 16:42
  as women age with bringing more blood to the vulva, to the clitoris, and more, really to
• 16:49
  help that, that tissue age very well.
• 16:51
  So as always, guys, any, any products I mention, you can always find coupon codes in my
• 16:56
  show notes.
• 16:56
  I try to make discounts for you as much as possible.
• 16:59
  And everything I recommend, I always validate with myself and my boyfriend to make sure that,
• 17:04
  you know, that you guys are all safe, and that we love it, and you know, I've had companies
• 17:08
  that send me really sticky gross lube, for example.
• 17:11
  I don't ever want you guys to get that, so we always validate everything first.
• 17:15
  But, yeah, if you would, tell me a little bit about like that vicious cycle that around how
• 17:20
  do we get people out of that type of thing where, Okay, like, I hear you.
• 17:26
  I'm supposed to be, you know, I wanna come into my body and experience more pleasure, but,
• 17:31
  because I have this intrusive thought or these many intrusive thoughts, I'm like, you know,
• 17:35
  popping out of my somatic experience, and I'm in my head more than my body, so I'm not
• 17:39
  experiencing that pleasure.
• 17:40
  How do you guys help people break that cycle?
• 17:44
  Oh, gosh, we have many ways to do.
• 17:46
  But because you just did that little ad, I kind of want to bridge.
• 17:51
  So one of the foundation pieces that we use is something called inhale push.
• 17:57
  And it's a mechanical way to, you know, it's the body mechanics, a way to breathe that
• 18:04
  flushes the genitals with so much blood flow.
• 18:08
  And when you can do that, no matter if you're, you know, you're getting a little stressed or
• 18:11
  you've left your body for a moment, when you start doing that almost automatically, the body
• 18:16
  gets more responsive, which is a nice feeling because you're like, oh, there I am.
• 18:21
  And then there's more sensation.
• 18:22
  You're like, oh, there's more sensation.
• 18:24
  And when your partner's doing it as well, now, of creating trying to vigorously like deal with
• 18:31
  connecting, which we call friction sex, we start building suction with the genitals.
• 18:37
  Of course, Erin's going to talk a lot more about that, but I just wanted to mention that's
• 18:41
  a really nice bridge from where you took us, is the ability to fill the genitals with blood
• 18:48
  through using breath in a very specific way of mechanically moving your body.
• 18:53
  Essentially, you're using your body movement, your breath, your voice, and your pelvic floor
• 18:59
  muscles like a gearbox for pleasure, allowing you to shift up as well as down.
• 19:06
  And that way, then you can calibrate your pleasure with your partner.
• 19:09
  And then this enters into a synchronicity that has, well, magnificent effects.
• 19:15
  Okay.
• 19:16
  So then tell me then, so somebody's trying this, and they have like, Oh God, like, here it
• 19:22
  comes.
• 19:22
  Like, last time we did this, I lost my erection.
• 19:24
  Right?
• 19:25
  Okay, here it comes.
• 19:27
  I'm doing the laundry list again.
• 19:28
  Like, I'm thinking about the chores, the kids, all the things.
• 19:31
  So, if we're doing all that, right, and I hear you on the, that helping with things like blood
• 19:36
  flow, but what happens now?
• 19:38
  Where do you guide people if they come back and they say to you like, Okay, I tried that, guys,
• 19:43
  but like, my I just can't keep my head from, like, these types of thoughts that are really
• 19:48
  impacting me connecting with my partner.
• 19:51
  Well, this is how we work with this.
• 19:53
  There's one of two ways.
• 19:55
  Firstly, on the physical side, where most of the times people go into their heads is because
• 20:02
  you have someone that's trying desperately to surrender, which essentially means be passive,
• 20:08
  and that's anyone on the receiving side of penetration.
• 20:11
  And secondly, then you have or firstly, depending how you look at it, you have someone
• 20:16
  that's trying to be dominant and then take control, maybe mind reading the other person at
• 20:22
  best or just doing their thing.
• 20:26
  And so then you have two people that go off into their own worlds.
• 20:30
  If you start to be, and these are very important, this is one of the foundations of
• 20:35
  Suction Sex is a different understanding of the roles we have as opposed to just, you know, one
• 20:40
  person taking charge, one person surrendering, there's this in between state of an active
• 20:45
  receiver and an adaptive giver.
• 20:48
  So this means then if you are on the receiving side of penetration, you won't be in your head
• 20:54
  because you were actually then, Okay, I need to activate my pelvic floor in a specific way.
• 20:59
  I need to move my body.
• 21:00
  I need to sync my breath with my partner.
• 21:03
  And in the same way, breath becomes the music that is the rhythm that holds the body together
• 21:09
  the same way you would have on the dance floor.
• 21:11
  And on the side of the person who's the quote unquote giver, they are becoming an adaptive
• 21:18
  giver.
• 21:19
  They are learning their partner's body's yes and no, which is a whole other piece around
• 21:26
  embodied consent.
• 21:27
  This is one of our trademarks.
• 21:29
  And then also how to feel your way through maybes.
• 21:32
  So that way then it's not just a consent with words, but you're reading the other person's
• 21:36
  body responding.
• 21:38
  And eventually, these rules disappear as you become one and thoughts go out the window.
• 21:43
  The second part, if you wanted to talk about it, is as opposed to trying to eliminate the
• 21:49
  mental clutter, you actually direct the mind by learning about the different types of mental
• 21:56
  arousals, which are essentially, you could say, the six psychological triggers that bring the
• 22:02
  mental arousal on.
• 22:03
  So that way it isn't just around physical arousal, but also then desire, which is another
• 22:08
  word for the mental side.
• 22:10
  You can have some erotic talk.
• 22:12
  And I wanted to say too, one of the things about learning about pleasure anatomy is to
• 22:16
  really understand that the penis actually goes through many cycles of engorgement and
• 22:22
  relaxation.
• 22:23
  So when we can just relax in the relaxation phase and play with that in different ways, so
• 22:30
  there's many fun ways that you can play with a softer penis, and then allow that engorgement
• 22:35
  come back naturally.
• 22:36
  Or if as the female body, if you need a little pause because things feel maybe like you're
• 22:42
  like, oh, that was a lot.
• 22:44
  Permission to pause, permission to breathe, permission.
• 22:47
  When you do that, you actually can start even having more of that full body pleasure and
• 22:52
  possibly even orgasm.
• 22:54
  So learning the pause, learning, giving ourselves permission that there's natural
• 22:58
  phases to engorgement.
• 23:00
  It's not just stay hard the whole time like you're, you know, some kind of baseball bat,
• 23:06
  but actually this fluctuating.
• 23:08
  And what we have found is that penises are really intelligent and they attuned to the body
• 23:14
  that they're making love to.
• 23:16
  And sometimes that body needs a little pause or there is a little bit of soreness or dryness.
• 23:21
  And then by slowing down or softening, it's actually a better experience for the person.
• 23:26
  So when we start learning that there's an intelligence in the response, then we don't
• 23:31
  attribute that response to something bad or negative and we start going, wait, maybe
• 23:36
  there's something amazing happening here.
• 23:39
  And we reframe it.
• 23:40
  And in that reframe, we found people, you know, they laugh a little easier, have more joy, they
• 23:45
  explore, they get creative.
• 23:47
  Amazing.
• 23:48
  A Danish sexology term called which means a clever cock.
• 23:55
  I'd like to also add that there's such a thing as a clever pussy as well because when there
• 24:00
  isn't a separation, they're guiding each other.
• 24:03
  They're speaking to one another, and then everything starts to begin to coordinate
• 24:08
  together.
• 24:09
  And the beauty of this is that it breaks the routine of sex because every encounter is
• 24:14
  particular to the two individuals that are there in that moment.
• 24:18
  We often go into our heads when we just flow into the routine, and then the mind drifts off,
• 24:23
  or God forbid, the routine isn't working, and then there's conflict.
• 24:27
  Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
• 24:29
  And we're going to dissect all of that and more in part two.
• 24:32
  So, everybody, I hope you will join me for part two.
• 24:35
  Gonna get doctors Syed and Aaron back.
• 24:38
  Yeah, come on over.
• 24:39
  Come on in.
• 24:40
  You'll find below this video how to find it.
• 24:42
  And what we're gonna do in part two is we're gonna go into this even deeper.
• 24:44
  We're gonna talk more about the suction sex method.
• 24:46
  We're gonna talk about embodied consent, about these six types of mental arousals.
• 24:51
  We're gonna talk about how to play with a softer penis because I think that's a super
• 24:57
  important thing that shuts down so many things for so many couples.
• 25:02
  And so many couples find that like, okay, well, this happens.
• 25:04
  It's over.
• 25:05
  Well, well, what if it's not?
• 25:06
  Right?
• 25:07
  What if that just is another spark to another direction like you're talking about around like
• 25:11
  it's a new every experience is new.
• 25:13
  So, take something like that that happens and we have techniques to build upon that, right,
• 25:18
  to bring us deeper deeper together instead of to shut us down.
• 25:22
  So all of that is coming and more.
• 25:25
  And just to remind everybody, one of my favorite toys for couples on the market is the
• 25:29
  Luxus.
• 25:30
  Amazing toy because you have the great part that goes around the hips.
• 25:34
  This part sits on the clitoral head for the woman, and it goes with this cock ring for a
• 25:40
  man, and they're connected.
• 25:41
  So there's a magnet in the cock ring that activates the part that sits on the clitoris.
• 25:46
  So when we're talking about, hey, we need more than penetrative sex, here's one solution
• 25:51
  around how he can still influence her through his movements, but she's getting more of that
• 25:57
  attention on her clitoral head.
• 25:59
  So one of the best toys is called the Luxes.
• 26:01
  Again, you'll find things in my show notes on coupon codes and all that.
• 26:05
  And before we let you guys go, I want to make sure our listeners hear about you have a lot of
• 26:10
  free resources on your website.
• 26:12
  I know you have your university, where you teach a lot of this.
• 26:16
  So can you just let people know?
• 26:17
  And we'll have all this in the show notes too, like where to find you a little bit about some
• 26:21
  of your free resources, if you would.
• 26:23
  Absolutely.
• 26:24
  So we have the embodiedloveuniversity.com.
• 26:29
  And on that, everyone, you just need an email.
• 26:31
  It's free.
• 26:32
  We have the five foundational videos.
• 26:34
  Thought, what are the most important things that humanity needs to learn to kind of boost
• 26:39
  bedroom IQ everywhere?
• 26:41
  And so those five foundations are there, includes pleasure anatomy, includes a form of
• 26:47
  consent, includes the inhale push.
• 26:49
  You will learn all of that.
• 26:50
  It's free and it's incredible and it really can transform your life.
• 26:56
  Amazing.
• 26:56
  Well, is an absolute pleasure being with you both.
• 26:59
  I am so looking forward to part two.
• 27:01
  Thank you for being here, and thank you all the lounge listeners.
• 27:05
  We appreciate your support.
• 27:07
  Please again, look below the show notes of how to find part two, and we'll see you again on
• 27:12
  the lounge real soon.
• 27:13
  Bye bye.
• 27:17
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 27:19
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 27:20
  Please share this with your friends.
• 27:22
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.