Latest / D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM / Can a Submissive Negotiate Their Rewards?

Transcript

Can a Submissive Negotiate Their Rewards? · D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM

• 0:11
  - You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast.
• 0:13
  Gaylord's here with the one, the only, the,
• 0:15
  are you at all caffeinated enough Jumper?
• 0:17
  No. Me neither. No. There's not enough coffee. No, no, no.
• 0:21
  But we're gonna power through anyway.
• 0:23
  - That's right. We are. Mm-Hmm.
• 0:24
  - . This week we're answering a question from a
• 0:26
  submissive who wants rewards as part of the dynamic,
• 0:30
  but isn't happy with
• 0:32
  how it's been done in their power exchange currently.
• 0:34
  Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast.
• 0:36
  If you're new here, we help kister like you have happy,
• 0:39
  healthy power exchange relationships.
• 0:40
  If you like what you hear, uh, please feel free
• 0:42
  to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app
• 0:44
  so you never miss an episode.
• 0:46
  And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future
• 0:49
  episode, we have a contact page, uh,
• 0:51
  called Ask your Questions on our website,
• 0:53
  which is loving bdsm.net.
• 0:55
  And in the show notes for this episode,
• 0:57
  which is also found@lovingbdsm.net.
• 1:00
  Okay, let's get into this question. Okay, here we go.
• 1:04
  I'm in a 24 7 DSS poly ish relationship.
• 1:09
  My dom is a primal gentleman and I'm a service sub.
• 1:12
  My dom has only rewarded me two times in the past three
• 1:15
  years, and its breeding resentment in me.
• 1:19
  One reward was something I needed for work.
• 1:21
  I farm and I needed raised beds.
• 1:23
  I waited six months for permission
• 1:25
  after modifying them a bajillion times
• 1:27
  to suit his anxieties and desires.
• 1:30
  I was about to finally make my purchase.
• 1:32
  He stopped me, bought the materials,
• 1:34
  and built part of it with me.
• 1:36
  It's still not fully assembled,
• 1:37
  and I can still only use three quarters of it.
• 1:40
  The other thing, I didn't even want cheap t-shirts
• 1:43
  and the kind of hats I specifically told
• 1:45
  him I didn't want to wear.
• 1:47
  I felt like he gave me the gift he should have given
• 1:49
  his young adult daughter.
• 1:51
  I didn't say that, of course,
• 1:52
  I didn't wanna sound ungrateful.
• 1:54
  I buy him gifts and necessities all the time, like
• 1:57
  to the point where I had to pull back
• 1:59
  because he will always say yes to what he wants.
• 2:02
  I pay bills in the house, all but the mortgage.
• 2:05
  I work from home. He works out of the house.
• 2:07
  We earn equal income when due
• 2:10
  or even do submissives get
• 2:12
  to choose their own rewards are rewards part of negotiation.
• 2:16
  What do you think about additional acts of service
• 2:19
  as a reward That sounds used to read to me.
• 2:21
  Hmm. Good job. Now. Do more work.
• 2:23
  Thank you for all your vulnerability and effort and time.
• 2:25
  I actually need your podcast to stay sane. .
• 2:29
  So what, what are your initial
• 2:31
  - Thoughts?
• 2:32
  Um, a lot going on there. Mm-Hmm. .
• 2:35
  So first, right, right out of the gate.
• 2:39
  Uh, every it, it sounds a little one-sided. Yes.
• 2:43
  - Okay. - Absolutely. Um, also,
• 2:47
  should rewards be part of the negotiation?
• 2:51
  Abso-Freaking-lutely. Mm-Hmm.
• 2:52
  , uh, rewards just
• 2:54
  as punishment. Okay. That's all
• 2:57
  - Right. Two sides of the same
• 2:58
  - Coin.
• 2:59
  Two, two sides of the same coin, uh, are all part
• 3:01
  of the negotiation.
• 3:03
  - Right. Because a reward is only a reward if it's something
• 3:06
  that you are genuinely happy to receive, you want Mm-Hmm.
• 3:09
  it feels right to you.
• 3:10
  And your partner might not know what
• 3:13
  that is if you haven't had the conversation about them.
• 3:15
  Right. Which in terms of power exchange Yeah.
• 3:17
  That's gonna be a negotiation is
• 3:20
  what we would call that. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah.
• 3:22
  - I mean, I'm kind of speaking off the cuff here.
• 3:24
  I don't really know either person.
• 3:27
  Uh, it sounds to me a little bit like this, this dom
• 3:31
  doesn't that really have a clue?
• 3:34
  - It does.
• 3:35
  Okay. I'm not gonna lie.
• 3:36
  It sounds like vanilla relationships I've had where
• 3:39
  hetero cis relationships
• 3:41
  where the woman is buying all the gifts
• 3:43
  and being really thoughtful.
• 3:44
  Yeah. And the guy's just clueless. Mm-Hmm. .
• 3:46
  Um, and yes, that can occur even in power exchange. Sure.
• 3:49
  'cause that's skills that need to be learned. Right. And
• 3:51
  - Yeah.
• 3:52
  So, yeah. You know, I mean, when we've done stuff like this,
• 3:56
  I've always come to you and like, you know, alright,
• 3:59
  what would you like for a reward?
• 4:00
  - Right. What's gonna feel like a reward?
• 4:03
  - And, and you have given me a list and,
• 4:05
  and out of that list, you know, I then Right.
• 4:07
  Because pick and choose that
• 4:09
  - Way, you know, that I'm guaranteed
• 4:11
  to like, whatever it is.
• 4:13
  Mm-Hmm. . But you still get the control
• 4:14
  and power of being the one to decide
• 4:17
  what it is when I get it. Yeah. You know,
• 4:20
  - I, you know, to a certain extent too, I think maybe I'm,
• 4:23
  I'm a little bit more self-aware, not saying
• 4:26
  that other people aren't, but, you know, I kind
• 4:29
  of keep an eye out and,
• 4:30
  and see the things that you ooh and awe over. Mm-Hmm.
• 4:34
  - , you're really good at that. Yeah.
• 4:36
  - You know, like, okay. Mental note,
• 4:38
  you know, that would make a gift.
• 4:40
  - I know people in
• 4:41
  and out of kink relationships who have created a habit
• 4:44
  for themselves of when they hear their partner or a friend
• 4:48
  or anybody they might give a gift to at some point.
• 4:50
  Mm-Hmm. say, Hey, I like
• 4:51
  that they just literally open, get their phone
• 4:53
  and open their notes app
• 4:54
  and make a note so that they can refer back to it later.
• 4:58
  Right. But that's for the person who didn't ask the
• 5:01
  - Question.
• 5:02
  - Yeah. The person who's struggling Yeah.
• 5:04
  Is the one who's not getting great gifts. Yeah.
• 5:06
  - Now, I I, or rewards, I should, I will say on
• 5:09
  that aspect too, not everybody is a, a good gift giver.
• 5:13
  - Oh, no. It's a skill that has to be
• 5:15
  - Cultivated.
• 5:16
  Yeah. Um, you know, there are the, uh, Claires of the world
• 5:20
  - From modern family.
• 5:21
  If you didn't know the reference
• 5:22
  Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
• 5:23
  - So, um, you know, and,
• 5:25
  and it could just be possible, you know,
• 5:28
  this submissives they talk about, you know,
• 5:30
  giving gifts and different things like that.
• 5:33
  It could very well be possible.
• 5:34
  Their love language is to give gifts. Is to give
• 5:38
  - Gifts and then maybe to receive a, you know, a reward
• 5:40
  as a version of a gift.
• 5:41
  Mm-Hmm. from a power exchange Yeah.
• 5:43
  Perspective. It's part of what we've absolutely talked about
• 5:46
  as, um, positive reinforcement.
• 5:49
  Sure. You know, you did a thing
• 5:50
  that made me happy, you did a thing.
• 5:53
  So rewards are often part of positive reinforcement.
• 5:56
  Um, which is something we've talked about. Mm-Hmm.
• 5:58
  in the past. It's something that we use
• 6:00
  within our relationship.
• 6:01
  It goes beyond the, well, you're a service submissive
• 6:04
  or you're any kind of submissive.
• 6:05
  You did what you were supposed to do.
• 6:06
  So what do you want a cookie for? That it's like, Mm-Hmm.
• 6:09
  . Well, yeah, maybe I do want a cookie.
• 6:11
  I want acknowledgement. I want
• 6:12
  to know that you're happy with me.
• 6:13
  And in this person's case, they want rewards for stuff.
• 6:17
  Clearly not all the time.
• 6:19
  Not in a no way that renders it meaningless
• 6:22
  to have tolerated.
• 6:24
  I'm, I hesitate to call these rewards,
• 6:27
  but to air quote rewards in three years,
• 6:30
  I'd be, I'd be pissy.
• 6:32
  I'd be so pissy if that was me.
• 6:34
  And not because I do things for the reward,
• 6:38
  but it's the acknowledgement and it's the effort. Well,
• 6:40
  - It's, it's the acknowledgement, it's the effort.
• 6:43
  And it also goes back to something we,
• 6:45
  we've talked about a lot of times in the past,
• 6:47
  filling that. Well,
• 6:49
  - Yes.
• 6:50
  Yeah. If I'm giving and giving,
• 6:50
  and I feel like I can really speak to this
• 6:52
  as a service submissive too, if I'm constantly giving
• 6:55
  and I don't feel like it's being returned
• 6:58
  in some way Mm-Hmm.
• 6:59
  on a consistent enough basis that I go, yeah,
• 7:03
  this makes it worth all this hard work or effort
• 7:06
  or, you know, extra time or whatever,
• 7:08
  or being tired or whatever it might be.
• 7:10
  Or the stretching of my own like comfort level
• 7:14
  to do new things in service of my partner.
• 7:17
  Yeah. I mean, if you're not feeling a little
• 7:20
  resentful, you're better than me.
• 7:21
  Because after all that time, I'd be like,
• 7:24
  where's my diet Coke ?
• 7:27
  For me, that's a reward. Right. Right.
• 7:30
  Where is my diet Coke? Mm-Hmm. I didn't ask for Mm-Hmm.
• 7:32
  Um, so to answer the specific questions, yes, you can
• 7:37
  as a submissive choose your own reward.
• 7:39
  Sure. The way you do that will be determined by
• 7:43
  how you've structured your power exchange,
• 7:44
  how you communicate with your partner,
• 7:46
  and then this very second question of how you negotiate it.
• 7:50
  Like JB said, the way we tend
• 7:52
  to do it is he will have a list of things
• 7:53
  that he knows I like or have said I've wanted,
• 7:57
  or have, you know, kind of he's caught me checking
• 7:59
  him out maybe in a store. Simple
• 8:01
  - Observation. Yeah.
• 8:02
  - Right. And then he's gonna pick from the list of
• 8:05
  what he knows I like is quite frankly, almost identical
• 8:09
  to the way we seen you have the laundry list
• 8:11
  of all the things I am willing to do and like to do in kink.
• 8:15
  And it's like a, there's like a fence around everything.
• 8:18
  Everything outside of the fence is a hard limit.
• 8:20
  Don't do it. And then you pick
• 8:21
  and choose from within that uhhuh that,
• 8:25
  uh, what is a word I want?
• 8:26
  Quare, thank you. Whatever.
• 8:28
  Like, just within all of the options.
• 8:30
  So it's not, you know, for the person who's like, well,
• 8:32
  if the submissive says these are the rewards I want,
• 8:35
  then they've taken the control
• 8:36
  away from the dominant know the fuck.
• 8:37
  They haven't, they've made sure that their wishes, wants,
• 8:42
  needs, likes are heard and seen and like here.
• 8:47
  Mm-Hmm. , here's so you can't fuck this up.
• 8:49
  I'm gonna be happy with any of this.
• 8:51
  And then all the power and control is still
• 8:53
  with the dominant Yeah.
• 8:54
  Um, the the thing, uh, the,
• 8:58
  the last question, lemme do the last question real quick.
• 9:00
  Okay. Before I go into my little,
• 9:01
  my little annoyance, mini rant.
• 9:04
  What do you think about additional acts
• 9:05
  of service as a reward? Uhuh. Mm-Hmm.
• 9:08
  - Uhuh. - Look, if you are a person
• 9:12
  who does not do a lot of service as your submission,
• 9:16
  like you're not really a service sub
• 9:18
  or there are certain things that you
• 9:21
  and your partner have talked about in an erotic way,
• 9:25
  in a kink way, in a, ooh,
• 9:27
  this excites us both mutually way that from the
• 9:32
  outside looking in would look like service,
• 9:34
  but you're both into it.
• 9:35
  And maybe it's gonna be a super hot kink scene. Yeah.
• 9:39
  If that, if that does it for you, then service as a reward
• 9:43
  because the outcome of that service is something
• 9:45
  that you find pleasurable,
• 9:46
  or the act of that service is outside of your norm
• 9:49
  and something you find pleasurable.
• 9:51
  Yeah, sure. But , I'd be cranky if I got more work
• 9:56
  as a quote reward. Yeah.
• 9:58
  - I mean, at that point then you're just adding on the
• 10:00
  proverbial straws that broke the camel's back. Right.
• 10:03
  - But all of these questions aside, like our thoughts on
• 10:07
  that, we're basically to the person
• 10:09
  who asks this question, we're on your side.
• 10:11
  The first thing I have to ask, and it does tend to get lost,
• 10:14
  and it's not specifically explained here.
• 10:17
  So I have to ask the question,
• 10:19
  have you talked to your partner?
• 10:21
  Right. That's the first step in all of this.
• 10:23
  Um, and I, I recognize for, you know,
• 10:27
  depending on your power exchange and,
• 10:28
  and you know how comfortable you are with this and,
• 10:31
  and where you're at and how y'all communicate,
• 10:34
  it can feel demanding to go to your dom
• 10:36
  and be like, I had to wait six months for this reward.
• 10:40
  Thank you for it. But it's not complete.
• 10:42
  What are we gonna do about that can feel demanding? Mm-Hmm.
• 10:44
  . And, you know,
• 10:46
  there are some people out there who go, well,
• 10:47
  you just need to bring it up like that.
• 10:49
  I'm not that person. That's not my style.
• 10:51
  So what I would say is,
• 10:52
  however you communicate things, if
• 10:55
  that's a skill y'all have developed together, um,
• 10:58
  that are not always great.
• 11:00
  Like sometimes you have to tell your DMA hard thing. Right?
• 11:04
  I didn't like that scene. This is now a hard lemon.
• 11:07
  I didn't know. Mm-Hmm. , whatever. Right.
• 11:09
  Hard things come up. This is
• 11:10
  another one of those conversations.
• 11:11
  So however you usually would approach that,
• 11:14
  you gotta approach this the same way.
• 11:16
  There's this thinking that
• 11:17
  because something was labeled a gift
• 11:19
  or a reward, we as the recipient,
• 11:22
  and this is a societal thing, not just a submissive thing.
• 11:24
  Yeah. We're just supposed to be grateful for it.
• 11:26
  Well, if you gave me something I didn't want, didn't ask for
• 11:29
  and or created more work for me, I don't have to be fucking
• 11:32
  grateful for anything.
• 11:34
  - That's - True. Very true. Okay.
• 11:36
  I don't have to bow down to people
• 11:37
  and kiss their fucking ass
• 11:39
  because they didn't listen to anything I ever told them
• 11:43
  and decided that they knew me better
• 11:46
  or that they didn't care enough
• 11:47
  and just handed off some crap.
• 11:50
  I'm not saying that's what your do has done,
• 11:52
  but I'm also not saying you don't have every right to be
• 11:56
  a little too a lot cranky about it.
• 11:58
  So you have every right to bring this up
• 12:01
  and go, Hey, so rewards are a really important thing
• 12:06
  to me within our power exchange,
• 12:08
  and I've noticed that it's not consistent.
• 12:11
  And also here are two examples,
• 12:14
  and I didn't feel rewarded.
• 12:16
  Mm-Hmm. . Now how you're gonna talk
• 12:18
  to your partner depends on a lot of factors.
• 12:22
  Not, uh, the biggest is probably
• 12:25
  how you approach these things
• 12:26
  and how you know that they might react to it,
• 12:28
  that that affects things.
• 12:30
  Sure. I'm gonna approach you in a very gentle way when I
• 12:32
  think that the, the subject is touchy.
• 12:35
  Mm-Hmm. , I'm gonna be my snarky sassy self
• 12:37
  when I feel confident
• 12:39
  that you can ha like, you'll accept that.
• 12:41
  Right. You won't shut down from what I'm telling you.
• 12:43
  Mm-Hmm. . So if this feels like a touchy
• 12:45
  subject Yeah.
• 12:47
  Be gentle with it. Like ease into it.
• 12:49
  Don't, you know, come out the gate swinging
• 12:52
  with snark that might not work for y'all.
• 12:54
  I'm gonna assume it probably doesn't.
• 12:56
  But that's the first step.
• 12:57
  You've, you've got to have this conversation with them and,
• 13:00
  and say, you know what?
• 13:02
  You're happy to do what you're, you're glad you get to do,
• 13:06
  you know how fulfilling things are.
• 13:08
  Right? And then it's kind of that, uh, sandwich you do
• 13:12
  of the good thing, the bad thing,
• 13:13
  and then you end on the positive.
• 13:15
  Right. It, it doesn't always work
• 13:17
  and sometimes it's disingenuous.
• 13:18
  But I like to start with the positives. Hey, sure.
• 13:20
  Here's what's going great. Here's what I'm happy. Mm-Hmm.
• 13:22
  , I'm, this works for me.
• 13:24
  Here's what I, I would like us to work on.
• 13:27
  This needs improvement. Right. Can you help me with this?
• 13:29
  Yeah. Um,
• 13:31
  and how that conversation goes will depend
• 13:34
  a lot on how they react.
• 13:35
  Now the other thing I would say,
• 13:37
  because in my experience, just from having talked to a
• 13:42
  people, um, for in this way for
• 13:46
  so long, um, is that sometimes
• 13:52
  these issues aren't the only issues
• 13:55
  or they're a symptom of a larger mm-Hmm.
• 13:57
  Issue. Mm-Hmm. . So is your service
• 14:00
  acknowledged verbally in a way that you feel satisfied with?
• 14:04
  Do you feel seen in your power exchange? Mm-Hmm.
• 14:07
  Do you feel, um, like your partner, you know,
• 14:12
  shows an knowledge is what you do and,
• 14:14
  and there's gratitude being
• 14:16
  exchanged between the two of you?
• 14:18
  If you do, and this is just a little sticking issue to me,
• 14:21
  that conversation should not be that difficult
• 14:23
  because you can point out, look, you do this really well
• 14:26
  and this makes me feel great,
• 14:27
  but this is a thing
• 14:29
  where I can feel the resentment building.
• 14:31
  Mm-Hmm. , I'm gonna
• 14:32
  tell you, that's a hard conversation.
• 14:33
  There have been times in the not too distant past
• 14:35
  where I've had to go to JB and go here.
• 14:38
  I let me acknowledge the things that I know are true
• 14:41
  and that are struggles for both of us.
• 14:43
  Mm-Hmm. , I see the reality.
• 14:45
  I see that you're working hard. I see that you're stressed.
• 14:47
  I know what our life is like, but okay. Yeah. Yeah.
• 14:50
  I see you. And I'm trying to validate him
• 14:52
  because it's hard to then go, but here's the deal.
• 14:56
  I can feel the resentment building
• 14:58
  and I don't know what to do about that.
• 14:59
  Yeah. And so then in that kind of conversation,
• 15:02
  I can throw the ball in his court
• 15:04
  and go, here's how I'm feeling.
• 15:05
  Here's how we've gotten here in the past.
• 15:09
  You know, what can we do together to work on this?
• 15:12
  It's, but it's not easy to tell your partner that
• 15:15
  - No, no, it's not.
• 15:16
  But at the same time, if resentment is building that'll
• 15:19
  - Kill a relationship in a heartbeat,
• 15:20
  - That that's gonna, and you know, you,
• 15:23
  you can keep it bottled up inside.
• 15:25
  - It's gonna come out some way
• 15:26
  - At, at, at some point.
• 15:28
  It's just gonna blow like a volcano and, and come pouring
• 15:30
  - Out.
• 15:31
  And it's one of those things that what'll happen is most
• 15:33
  likely, um, you may blow up at a thing that
• 15:36
  does not seem proportional to the anger you're showing. Or
• 15:39
  - Yeah.
• 15:40
  - You may hit a point where it doesn't matter the good parts
• 15:44
  of the relationship you're done.
• 15:46
  And then those partners go, it came out of nowhere.
• 15:48
  It's like, nah, this didn't come outta nowhere.
• 15:50
  This was months, years, decades in the building. Mm-Hmm.
• 15:54
  , you just weren't paying attention.
• 15:56
  So if you have not had the conversation
• 15:59
  with your partner, that's where you start.
• 16:01
  Right? If they're trying to push back
• 16:03
  and say that you don't get to choose rewards, you get
• 16:07
  to push back and go, well, we need to have this conversation
• 16:10
  because you have, you have not filled my well, okay.
• 16:14
  Mm-Hmm, , you haven't done been consistent
• 16:16
  enough and you haven't given me things
• 16:19
  that make me feel rewarded.
• 16:22
  So let's talk about the things I need
• 16:27
  and then please choose from that.
• 16:29
  Because if you give me something outside of that
• 16:31
  or something outside of a conversation we've had where,
• 16:33
  you know, I would appreciate this.
• 16:35
  It's not a reward and I will not take it as such Mm-Hmm.
• 16:38
  , the, the way they respond to hearing,
• 16:42
  to being told that you are dissatisfied with something
• 16:46
  as they're submissive will give you some insight as to how
• 16:51
  to carry on and move forward.
• 16:53
  It is not easy to hear a negative thing,
• 16:57
  but if it's coming across
• 16:58
  as constructive criticism in the sense of,
• 17:01
  I want you to be good at this.
• 17:03
  I want us to handle this well,
• 17:05
  I want to move forward with this.
• 17:07
  If they're dismissive of you,
• 17:08
  I'm gonna bet they're dismissive of you in other areas,
• 17:12
  if they're, they may need time, they may gotta need
• 17:14
  to walk away and come back and like sit
• 17:16
  with their own hurt feelings.
• 17:17
  And that's a them mm-Hmm.
• 17:19
  problem for them to solve that is not for you
• 17:22
  to take on or for you to solve for them.
• 17:24
  If they can come back from hurt feelings
• 17:26
  or, you know, whatever,
• 17:27
  and have the con the adult conversation with you,
• 17:30
  then I think you can get there.
• 17:31
  It might take a few conversations in some changing
• 17:34
  of how they look at things. But,
• 17:36
  - And, and what you said about constructive criticism is,
• 17:40
  is so, so true.
• 17:41
  You know, don't come out of the gate saying, this is crap.
• 17:45
  - Right. This sucks. You suck.
• 17:46
  Everything sucks. Right. We not getting nowhere
• 17:47
  - With that.
• 17:48
  Um, you know, yeah, it may suck, but,
• 17:49
  - And that may be true, - But that's not, that may be true.
• 17:52
  But you know, you, you,
• 17:54
  you don't come outta the gate that way.
• 17:56
  Um, constructive criticism is, is a good thing.
• 17:59
  You know, it's like, Hey, you know,
• 18:02
  things have been going pretty good lately.
• 18:04
  Um, I'm, I'm happy about the way things are,
• 18:08
  but there, there's a couple things
• 18:10
  that could use a little bit of improvement.
• 18:11
  - Right? Here's some things I need,
• 18:13
  I like to come at you with.
• 18:14
  Here's what I need. Mm-Hmm.
• 18:16
  that I'm not receiving.
• 18:18
  I like to, I'm a, I'm a faller when it comes to .
• 18:21
  I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try and ease paths.
• 18:23
  'cause I have like conflict stuff
• 18:25
  that I don't handle well and that's a me thing.
• 18:27
  So everybody's got their own style with this.
• 18:29
  But I like to start with, here's what I'm happy with.
• 18:32
  Here's what you're doing well.
• 18:33
  And or I like to go, let me acknowledge what
• 18:36
  what I know is tough for you.
• 18:37
  Let me acknowledge where things have been rough,
• 18:39
  where you've been stressed, where like, mm-Hmm.
• 18:41
  . I like to put that out there first
• 18:43
  and then go all that being said, here's what I need
• 18:47
  and I don't know how we're gonna get there.
• 18:48
  How you know, here's what didn't go well
• 18:51
  and I need you to know
• 18:54
  those conversations become easier the more you do them.
• 18:57
  Mm-Hmm. the more you do them,
• 18:59
  if a partner is a good partner for you
• 19:01
  and is actively trying,
• 19:03
  the less you need to have those conversations.
• 19:04
  Mm-Hmm. , they don't stop completely.
• 19:06
  I mean, we've been together 10 years
• 19:07
  and there are absolutely still times one of us has to go,
• 19:10
  okay, I see what you're trying to do and I see you trying,
• 19:12
  but this isn't working for me.
• 19:14
  Yeah. This is what I need instead.
• 19:15
  And not only are we all fucking adults here
• 19:18
  and should be able to have these conversations, right.
• 19:20
  This is power exchange.
• 19:21
  These kinds of conversations have to happen
• 19:23
  because your dom is not a mind reader.
• 19:25
  If you've been unhappy with things,
• 19:27
  but you've never said anything, they can't improve on it.
• 19:30
  Right. Right. They also, doms also need to realize
• 19:32
  that they can't possibly be mind readers
• 19:34
  and want the feedback.
• 19:37
  Lemme go back to what I said at the top.
• 19:39
  How you do that might be determined by your power exchange.
• 19:43
  There might be certain times, there might be ways
• 19:46
  of speaking to one another that are,
• 19:47
  that you've built into your power exchange.
• 19:49
  Like I, uh, j b's rule with me is I can say anything I have
• 19:52
  to say to him, anything on my mind,
• 19:54
  I just have to be respectful about that.
• 19:56
  Correct. And the the reverse is true. I
• 19:59
  - Might not - Wanna hear that I followed down on
• 20:01
  - The job. It goes both ways.
• 20:02
  - Yeah. But as long as he comes at me with kindness and love
• 20:05
  and respect, he can say whatever he needs to say.
• 20:08
  Right. How I feel about it and how I react to it.
• 20:11
  That's my problem to deal with and to work through.
• 20:13
  And sometimes we can work through that together.
• 20:15
  And sometimes I gotta go off to my corner
• 20:17
  and pout by my damn self and then go,
• 20:20
  but wait, this relationship is more important
• 20:22
  to me than my hurt feelings.
• 20:23
  Let's work through this. Mm-Hmm.
• 20:25
  that's what mature adults who are, who have
• 20:29
  or are learning communication skills are gonna do.
• 20:32
  I hope your partner is like that.
• 20:35
  I hope that you can approach your dom in a way that works
• 20:38
  for your power exchange and go, Hey, this,
• 20:40
  this hasn't been working for me.
• 20:41
  Right. And then you can have the conversation,
• 20:43
  but you have to have that conversation.
• 20:45
  So while Lola is howling in the background,
• 20:48
  we're gonna let her keep howling for a minute.
• 20:50
  Let's recap. Yeah. Yes.
• 20:53
  Submissives can choose to a certain degree their own rewards
• 20:58
  that can be very explicit of Mm-Hmm.
• 20:59
  In this situation. Give me this.
• 21:01
  Or it can be a here's my laundry list of things I like
• 21:04
  and your dom picks.
• 21:07
  Um, yes. Rewards are part of negotiation. Correct.
• 21:10
  Just as much as punishment is just as much as consequences.
• 21:12
  Just as much as any other part of a power exchange.
• 21:15
  And, um, no, I'm not a fan as more service
• 21:18
  as an air quote reward personally .
• 21:21
  But the first, you gotta have the conversation. Yeah.
• 21:23
  And from there then you may,
• 21:25
  you may know how to move forward.
• 21:27
  Mm-Hmm. . So, uh, if you
• 21:31
  got any, I I think we've covered it.
• 21:34
  Okay. Okay. Um, yeah, thanks for listening
• 21:38
  to this week's q and a episode.
• 21:39
  If you want us to answer one of your questions,
• 21:41
  just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net
• 21:44
  or you can find the link in the show notes.
• 21:46
  Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon,
• 21:49
  we're able to do this podcast and keep it going
• 21:51
  and help Sters due to your support.
• 21:53
  If you'd like to be part of our community
• 21:55
  and get access to extra content
• 21:56
  and a Discord server with a group of super cool,
• 21:58
  super nice kinks, you can do that.
• 22:00
  Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
• 22:03
  That's patreon.com/kayla lords.
• 22:06
  Or use the link in the show notes.