Latest / All The Light She Found / "Moving On" After Grief and Loss Might Be Hard For Your Loved Ones
Transcript
- kelly: Well, hello friends. I'm so glad you're here to join me. I'm Kelly McGurk, your host of All the Light She Found. Well, I have something to talk about today. And I have a feeling that some of you are gonna know exactly what I'm talking about. What happens when you're genuinely happy with your life, but there are still parts of it that hurt? And I don't mean you're pretending to be happy. I mean you're actually happy, right? You're laughing, you're making plans, you're excited about things, maybe you're experiencing things you never imagined you'd be doing right now in your life, and then In the middle of all of that goodness, you guys, there's something else. A relationship that feels different. Maybe it's someone you love who's struggling with the changes in your life. A little guilt that shows up when you're having a wonderful time. even that moment when you catch yourself wondering if you should tone down your happiness because you don't know how someone else is going to receive it. Seriously? I've learned apparently. Guys, even happiness can get complicated. And that is what I'm going to talk about today. I'm not going to talk about how we find happiness or how to heal or build your life. We've had some of those conversations. I actually want to talk about what happens when the happiness is actually here and it doesn't always make everything easier. I've been discovering that you can absolutely love the life you're living. And I am, and still have some really tender, complicated feelings about parts of it. Dang, is anything ever easy? I don't think we talk about this enough. So I had one of those weekends recently. I celebrated my birthday with some of my favorite people. And I also got to attend a beautiful wedding of a dear friend of mine. There was music, laughter, dancing, my friends dressed up, people celebrating each other, just so much goodness. Really, just oof, so much goodness. And I was having the best time. Listen, I'm not sharing that because you need a play-by-play of my social calendar. Trust me, nobody needs that. But I was thinking afterward about how genuinely happy I felt. Not because everything in my life is perfect, it certainly isn't, but because there are some really wonderful things happening in my life right now. But here's what's interesting. I can feel all of that happiness, everyone, and still have other things going on that are quite painful. There are relationships in my life that have changed. I think we all experience that. Some happen in wonderful ways, others in ways I never would have expected, and honestly, definitely wouldn't choose. There are people that I love deeply who are not necessarily experiencing this season of my life the same way that I am. And that can hurt. It doesn't mean the happiness isn't real, but it doesn't mean the hurt of it isn't real either. They're both there. I was just thinking this weekend about how often we expect our emotional lives to make more sense than they actually do. I'm sure some of you are out there going, my gosh, yes. Like if we're happy, we should just be happy. If we're grieving, we should just be grieving. If something wonderful is happening to us, why are we thinking about the thing that's difficult? But that's just not how it freaking works, is it? Sometimes The best weekend of your life can still have a little heartbreak tucked right into it. And maybe the goal isn't to get rid of one feeling so we can experience fully the other, but maybe we need to stop acting like they're not allowed in the same room. Here's something I really never understood until I experienced the loss myself. You can feel guilty about being happy. And some of you out there are like, yep, been there, done that. Which when you say it out loud, it kind of sounds ridiculous. I mean, isn't that the goal, you guys? Aren't we all out here just chasing a little happiness, a little joy, right? But grief has a way of creating some strange emotional rules. And sometimes. I've had to wonder if I'm moving too quickly, or if I'm enjoying myself too much, or if other people will think I've forgotten. I literally even have wondered if being excited about something new takes something away from what I've had before. And intellectually, trust me, I understand that none of those things are true. But emotionally, that's a different conversation. You guys know I've talked about losing my husband, and I've talked openly about that and that signif how significant that loss has been to me. And I think people who've had great loss totally understand that love doesn't disappear because your life continues on. But here's what I've been finding super interesting. The guilt isn't even about the person we've lost. because in my personal life, I feel like the person I lost would be very happy for me right now. But you know where it struggles is in the people that knew us in a different chapter. People whose lives were obviously also affected by loss. And you guys, truthfully, if I'm being honest, people who might have their own complicated feelings about watching our lives change. And suddenly something as simple as sharing good news doesn't quite turn out that simple. You know, I've had to start thinking about how to say it, when to say it, whether to say it at all. And before I know it, I'm literally doing emotional calculations over something that should be pretty straightforward. something like, wow, this wonderful thing happened. Instead, my brain is going through 47 possible reactions and how to minimize those. And I say this, friends, as a therapist who has spent decades helping people understand their own emotions. Knowing why we do something, though, does not mean we magically stop doing it. Gosh, that would be convenient, wouldn't it? For all of us who have done some work on ourselves, boy, knowing why we do something doesn't mean we stop. I would have saved myself a whole lot of time over the years had I been able to understand something and then act appropriately. But I think there's an important difference between being thoughtful about someone else's feelings, and this is really important, and I'm learning this, feeling responsible for protecting them from our own happiness. That line can get pretty blurry, trust me. Have you guys ever hesitated to share something wonderful because you were worried about how someone else might feel? Maybe you have a friend going through something difficult or a family member that's always struggling and you hate to say something that you're celebrating or that you're proud of because you don't want them to feel uncomfortable or sad. it's not because you were bragging or being insensitive, but because you knew that somehow your joy, your happiness might bring up something difficult for them. I think if we're honest, a lot of us have. I think it's interesting when you actually get to live in real time when your relationships don't change at the same pace you do. That is something that I had not planned on. I tell you that. Now, this is where this gets a little tricky. Because when our lives change, our relationships don't always change smoothly with them. I don't think we talk about that enough. Think about it. We spend years developing relationship around certain roles, routines, expectations, and ways that we just are together, just the way that you are with someone. If you think about it, you're always somebody's wife, somebody's mother, somebody's best friend, somebody's daughter, somebody's son, somebody who's always available to everyone. The person everybody knows they can count on. And those relationships, when you think about them and reflect on them, you guys, they have a rhythm to them. They really do. And everybody knows their place. Then something significant happens and it changes. Maybe it's a death, a divorce, retirement, a new relationship, a career path change, or you just simply deciding you want your life to look a little bit different. Then suddenly the rhythm changes. it's not even because anybody did anything wrong. Literally, it's that life that that relationship was built around doesn't quite look the same anymore. And the uncomfortable part, people can genuinely love us and still struggle with the changes in our lives. And I think that's super important for us to remember. 'Cause it's easy to turn this conversation about people being jealous or unsupportive and I don't think that's even what we're talking about. sometimes, sure, you have people in your life who might behave that way because they're jealous. But I think that what I'm learning and what I've known, but what I'm learning personally, it's a lot more complicated than that. Maybe someone you love misses the way things used to be. I can assure you, some people in my life feel uncertain about where they fit now. And let's be honest, maybe they're grieving something about the relationship we didn't even realize was changing in ourselves. Maybe our happiness is reminding them of something they're missing in their own life. Or maybe you guys were just interpreting their reactions through our own fears and assumptions. Let's not forget that one. We don't always know. And I think we have to be super careful about deciding we know exactly why somebody is reacting or feeling a certain way. But here's what I can tell you for sure. I think for sure relationships can get uncomfortable when life changes. Even relationships filled with the most love. Actually, especially those. Because the more someone matters to us, the more we care about how they're experiencing our lives, obviously. And I think that's where a lot of us find ourselves sometimes. Trying to enjoy something new or something wonderful while also worrying about what it means for the people they love. And you know what, you guys, it can be freaking exhausting. I've had to question am I allowed to be happy if someone that I love isn't happy? think about it. Are we allowed to be happy when someone we love is unhappy? Obviously the answer is yes. But you know what? It's something that's really been a struggle. And that's why I thought I would share it today. I'd be a little vulnerable and share that this is not something that I actually planned for. I mean, I guess a part of me did, but I guess I just didn't know the depths or the difficulty or the sadness that would come along with it. how often have you been having a great day and then someone you love is upset and suddenly you feel like you need to dial yourself down or try to fix it? Maybe you have to stop talking about the thing you're excited about, or maybe you feel guilty for enjoying yourself. I think maybe you can find yourself feeling almost disloyal. For feeling good when someone else is struggling. And listen, caring for the people we love, that is my most favorite beautiful thing. Being sensitive to their feelings, obviously, that matters. There are absolutely times when compassion means putting all of our excitement aside for a moment and being present with someone else's pain. But you guys, here's what I want to remind you of, because I've had to sit here and think about this a lot. There is a big difference between compassion and making Our emotional lives dependent on everyone else's. And I think a lot of us have spent a lot of years confusing those two things. We become really good at reading the room, really good at knowing who's upset, really good at adjusting ourselves so everybody else is comfortable. And sometimes we get so good at it we don't even realize we're doing it. We just automatically turn down the volume on ourselves. And it's not because somebody specifically asked us to, you guys. We just automatically turn it down. It's because that's what we've learned to do. And I wonder if for some of you as I'm sharing this are thinking, yes, I remember doing that. I know that I do that. How often do we make wonderful experiences in our lives a little less wonderful because somebody else isn't in the same place? I'm gonna be honest, I've been struggling with this and I don't have a neat answer for it. Cause I think relationships require consideration, love, compassion, and sometimes they require compromise. But I also think there's something worth examining when we begin to feel that our happiness is somehow a problem that we need to solve. I think I'm learning, and hopefully all of you can too, that we can care deeply about someone's pain without making our happiness the enemy of it. There's another piece of this too, and this one it's a little more tender. Sometimes guys, we're not even necessarily feeling guilty about being happy. Sometimes we're just sad that someone we love isn't sharing that with us in a way that we had hoped. And that's a different kind of hurt. Cause you can have a whole room full of people who love and adore you, and you can be laughing and dancing and having the most wonderful time. And there can still be someone whose presence, support, or connection that you miss. Not even because they're physically absent. Sometimes they're right there in your life, but the relationship doesn't feel the way it used to, and that's hard. I think we sometimes seriously feel pressure to minimize sadness because we have so many things to be grateful for. I've heard my friends, I've heard myself, I've heard my clients say things like, look at all the wonderful things in my life. Why am I focusing on this one difficult thing? But that's not fair. Let's be honest, gratitude does not erase disappointment. Happiness doesn't erase longing, you guys. And having wonderful relationships, let's remember this, doesn't mean we stop caring about the ones that are struggling. We can be super, super appreciative for the people who are showing up for us and still miss the one who isn't able to show up the way we'd hoped. You know what? We can communicate, we can listen, we can take responsibility for our part, we can leave room for things to change, but we can't do the emotional work for two people. And you know what? That I have found can be a really difficult thing to sit with, particularly when you're used to being the one who fixes things. Yeah. Sometimes loving someone means allowing the relationship to be a little unfinished. And I don't love that, by the way. I love to be the fixer. I personally would prefer a tidy resolution where everyone understands each other, hugs it out, and everyone leaves so happy and goes to dinner. Preferably somewhere with awesome apps. But apparently life hasn't been consulting me about those things. I'm gonna be honest. I find it very rude, really. And that is what I have found about this whole new happiness and life change. man. I sure did not think all the parts would look the way they do. And I have found there is a difference between sharing happiness and defending it. I've been thinking about this so much lately, you guys. When we're unsure how someone that we love will respond to our happiness, sometimes we'll be we start to, I start to, but maybe other people do this too. You guys, I start to overexplain it, right? Almost defending it. That's how feel. Like wanting people to understand why we're happy. why we're making certain choices, why something new matters to us, why we're doing things differently. I know for sure I felt like that if I explained myself enough, the other person would feel comfortable with it. But what if they don't? What if they still have a lot of complicated feelings and they need more time? And what if they see things completely differently than you? I think that's where we have to learn something that sounds simple but can be incredibly difficult. We can allow people to have their own feelings about our lives and we can still live them. That by no means means that we're dismissing their feelings or that we've stopped caring about their perspective. And it certainly doesn't mean we're automatically right about everything just because we're feeling good in our life. But you know what? I'm learning you don't necessarily have to reach a complete emotional agreement before we're allowed to enjoy our life. And there's a lot of freedom in that, but honestly, there's a lot of discomfort too. Because sometimes the people whose approval matters the most are the people who could be struggling with our choices. And you know what? I have to figure out how to hold both things. And so do you guys. Our love for them and our own personal responsibility for the life we're living. I'm gonna announce something that might be a burdensome to you, but I don't think it's something that we figure out once and then never have to return to. Sadly, I think it's something that we have to learn and learn and learn. It's something we practice, sometimes super successfully, sometimes not so much, just being honest. And sometimes it requires a phone call to your girlfriend saying, Okay, tell me if I'm completely losing my mind here. I have done that. Trust me. And thank God for those girlfriends. Do you know what though? Here's what I've landed on lately. And I say lately because as I reserve the right to change my mind when life teaches me something new. And so do you guys. I'm learning that my life does not have to be emotionally consistent for it to be good. I can have a wonderful weekend and still feel sad about something. I can be excited about what's happening in my future and still miss parts of my past. And I can be deeply in love with people in my life and still have relationships that have uncertainty. I can definitely understand why someone might be struggling with my choices, but you guys still believe those choices are right for me. And I can be incredibly grateful without pretending that everything is as I wish. I think that's what I want to leave with you guys today. Not permission to ignore people you love, obviously, and not some grand declaration that everybody needs to get on board with your happiness, because that is not what I'm saying at all. Relationships, especially important relationships, are far more complicated than that. But you know what? Maybe just the permission to stop treating your happiness and your sadness like they're competing against each other, right? They can both be there. And I've been talking about this: how to hold two things at once. And I think that's such a big learning for all of us because we've been so, I don't want to say trained, but we've just been so habitually reacting in the same ways that we forget sometimes that there's other choices. And I'm finding that I can give room to the people I love to find their way through their own feelings without me having to clear that path for them. I think sometimes happiness is simply being able to say there are some things in my life I wish were different and there's some things I wouldn't change for anything. And both of those. Before we close, I just want you guys to think what's something wonderful happening in your life that maybe you've been hesitant to share because you've been worried about people's opinions? And if you experience this, what are you actually worried might happen if you let yourself talk about it? Is there a relationship in your life that's having a hard time adjusting to change? Have you been making assumptions about what other people are feeling about your life? Or maybe expecting yourself to somehow fix their discomfort? And here's what I really want you to sit with, you guys. What would it look like to enjoy what's good in your life without feeling that you have to apologize for what's still complicated? Not to ignore the hard things and not to pretend they don't matter because they really, really do, but to let the good things be good too. Because we all deserve that. So that's what's been on my mind this week, friends. I think one of the strangest things about being human is how many completely different feelings we can carry at the same freaking time, and maybe we don't need to make them all agree with each other. Maybe we just need to be a little more honest about them. As always, I want to ask you, where did you find a little light this week? Maybe it was something wonderful that happened? Maybe it was a moment of understanding, or maybe you guys, it was just realize you can have something beautiful in your life, even when other parts are still a work in progress. Whatever it was this week, I hope you noticed it. You guys, keep looking for the little lights, they're always out there. I'm Kelly, and this is all the light she found.