Latest / Black Girls Heal / #312: How Love Addicts Can Find Love (4 Ways for Each Archetype)

Transcript

#312: How Love Addicts Can Find Love (4 Ways for Each Archetype) · Black Girls Heal

0:04
[SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there.
0:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just to bring it out.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Every episode, we will talk about advice you can apply today to bring unhealthy patterns and grow in your self-worth.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm Shinella Shay, I love addition coach and trauma specialists.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls heel.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Today we are talking about the four different archetypes of love addicts.
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[SPEAKER_01]: There are prize qualities of what makes them amazing women.
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[SPEAKER_01]: They're fatal flaw that keeps them away from getting the type of love that they want, and then what does it look like for them to actually be in love?
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[SPEAKER_01]: What is it that they should aspire to in their dream relationships?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Love addiction is an intimacy disorder that is defined by the persistent obsession of a person, a relationship, or the fantasy of that person, a relationship, and mistaking that intensity for love.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So because I feel so strongly because I'm still here because we can't stay away from each other, this must be love.
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[SPEAKER_01]: When really it's a trauma-oriented effort.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And the reason why I talk about love addiction versus anxious attachment or avoiding attachment to which are all parts of the intimacy disorder language is because for those first few struggle with love addiction, we find that no matter what is happening no matter what the consequences are no matter how much is affecting us emotionally, socially, mentally, spiritually, financially.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We will stay connected to that relationship.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We will try to resolve it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And if not, that current relationship is a relationship pattern.
2:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So no matter if it's with the person in question, we will find someone who's just like him or them in the next relationship or we start to push it the other way.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so until we break that persistent pattern, we will continue to have the consequences on the other side of it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is very extreme.
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[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of shame that comes with it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: A lot of times the woman that are in the other side of this may feel a lot of shame because this happens to everyone, including people who are very high functioning, maybe you have really great relationship boundaries and some places but in other relationships were made to relationships you lose yourself.
2:36
[SPEAKER_01]: This is why for me, I'm a healing professional.
2:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a therapist by the trade.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I do love addiction coaching as well and trauma recovery now, but what led me into this place was I thought that this was just something that was temporary because I had so many great social skills and I was so.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Hi, functioning in other areas.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I just thought that this little blip over mandatory relationships with something that was inconsequential and something that it will work itself out.
3:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when I continue to have relationship issues, inspired the fact that I'm a professional, that I am self-aware, that I'm connected to people, that I am a healer, again, by trade, it was very embarrassing, and you go through the place where at first your friends and your loved ones are there for you,
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[SPEAKER_01]: willing to listen, they're willing to hold space, so willing to say, forget them, but then they start to get fatigued.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And they don't understand why you keep going back to the same relationships or keep repeating the same patterns.
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[SPEAKER_01]: They start to think that maybe you like it, because they don't have the insight to know that this is part of a trauma.
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[SPEAKER_01]: trauma response and even if they do know that they still don't have the the patients for it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So once I found the language around love addiction and love avoidance is some of the other intimacy disorders that is where I started to teach and that is what I built my specialization around and that is why you were here.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so these four different types of love addicts are these four archetypes are curated by me.
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[SPEAKER_01]: These are the patterns that I have seen through my
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[SPEAKER_01]: 16 years of being a therapist, 19 years of coaching 12 years of my own personal recovery.
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[SPEAKER_01]: This is these are archives I currently see.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So you can relate to all of these, none of these, one or two of these.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We can definitely mix a match and then in our next episode, I will talk about the archetypes for a love avoidance for those of you who are like, yeah, I have made love really hard in some relationships, but
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[SPEAKER_01]: And other ones, I push people away and I don't know why that happens.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk about that next episode.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But let's go ahead and get our pins and papers ready for this episode.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And for those of you who elect to follow along, just a reminder that in our B.J.
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[SPEAKER_01]: members club, there are work sheets for all of our episodes that have the notes that I'm talking about for you to go along with, for you to, there are journal prompts and entries for you there, and special tips for you to take with you.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So you can find more about that at blackgirlsheal.org slash club.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Now, the first type of love addict, the first archetype of love addict is the hopeless romantic.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So these are those of us who are in love with the idea of love.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Again, well, we love, we love hard, we love the idea of the happily ever after.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And by the way, none of these archetypes that I'm going to talk about are problematic in any way.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I love the hopeless romantic archetype.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Right now, in fact, is our season.
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[SPEAKER_01]: the time I'm recording this, we are entering the holiday season.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So anyone who loves Christmas movies, holiday movies, this is our jam, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: We have a very deep connection to how we want to be loved, how we want to feel.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We are easily swept away and some of us like that, some of us don't like that because we have seen who we have allowed to sweep us away.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it has a really worked out, but it's a really beautiful thing.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So the prize came to risk it of the hopeless romantic.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is her creativity and it's also her fidelity.
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[SPEAKER_01]: This is the person that maybe the writer died because she will see the red flags that are happening in the relationship and she will start to romanticize them.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So the problem is not romanticizing is what she chooses to romanticize.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is that there may be red flags of danger unless she would continue to go forward.
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[SPEAKER_01]: When she is in the ideal relationship, what it looks like for her is that she's with someone who is actually matching her energy.
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[SPEAKER_01]: The type of intensity, the type of love and in connection and attention that she's giving to someone, and to building their story, she is with someone who matches that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: who adores her and loves her as much as she adores and loves them.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And they do that and they show that with their action to it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's not love bombing and it's not just to get them in the door and then end up abandoning them and becoming flaky.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is someone who either measures that energy with the same type of action or is able to receive it with gratitude with love and offer her security and safety on the other side of that do their own mutual proactive commitment and fidelity and care and thoughtfulness as well.
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[SPEAKER_01]: The fatal fall for the hopeless romance that stops her from getting to this place is this connection to that self-abandement.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So again, romanticizing the red flags because the idea, the hope is that this is the love that's going to heal.
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[SPEAKER_01]: This is the love that is going to all be worth it in the end.
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[SPEAKER_01]: No matter what is happening to me on the on the onset of it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: There's trauma that has blocked her from seeing things that are very clear, red signs, and James, dangerous signs, as red flags.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I see this all the time when I'm talking with my clients and we'll be talking about there with going over with new dates or people that they're in relationships with.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And they'll tell me something, and they'll be like, well, I'm just gonna keep an eye on it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Or, yeah, it seemed kind of weird.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't really like that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Or, I'm gonna just set boundaries with them about this thing.
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[SPEAKER_01]: willing to look over something that's actually going to be relationship destroy, but because they may be acted in their love addiction or already started to bond to this person, the idea of moving away from this relationship is hard if not impossible.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's hard for them to break the cycle.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Because of the unresolved trauma, even though they may know better, and even though they may want to do better, and even though they may be trying to do better, it is hard for them to actually follow through because of how this relationship is connected to their trauma and that there are blocks there unless they get some intentional help and support to work through that and break that cycle.
8:16
[SPEAKER_01]: y'all are so excited to record.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I've forgotten my microphone.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Here it is now, but so hopefully this album is not too different or you could still hear it, but let's go ahead and continue.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So the second archetype for the love addict is the codependent.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So this is a person where she is not okay unless the other people in her life are okay.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So she will
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[SPEAKER_01]: Self-abandoned self-neglect kind of be the martyr or very much be the martyr to take care of those around her and then once everybody is okay Then maybe she can start to consider herself The the strength about the person who is a codependent is her generosity in her empathy.
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[SPEAKER_01]: She is such a giver and that is not a bad thing
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[SPEAKER_01]: Again, with all these archetypes that I'm giving, a lot of times when people are teaching the healing aspect of this, they will try to, like, smite out all of this good nature and goodwill that you have.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is okay that you are a lover or a lover girl, which is the hopeless romantic.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is okay that you're someone who is generous and someone who wants to consider your neighbor that wants to consider other people.
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[SPEAKER_01]: The problem is the extreme
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[SPEAKER_01]: There's never going to be enough giving to where you're going to feel resolved.
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[SPEAKER_01]: There's never going to be enough putting yourself in the background and hopes that someone will see you and acknowledge you and be in gratitude for how much you're giving them.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And the thing about the codependent is she will consistently persistently put yourself in these hyper relationships.
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[SPEAKER_01]: even when she was trying to assert her boundaries, even when she's trying to use her voice, somehow she's so fine to herself in relationships where they're giving us 90, 50, 50, 60, 40.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And you 20, if it exists at all.
10:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So saying more about this fatal flaw, this minimizing of her needs comes from a resolve trauma.
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[SPEAKER_01]: and not really knowing how to work through that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So a lot of times, people who are called Appendance, they're very smart women.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And they're strengthened taking care of other people, means that they are great at assessing, seeing what's needed, and solving the problem.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So when it comes to themselves, they maybe like, well, I can do that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I can take care of myself.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I can read a book.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I can watch a therapy podcast interview.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I can even talk to my therapist and try to do better in my everyday life when she book is just like come across these hurdles in these blocks where she keeps finding herself again like a send-in intro maybe surprise by relationships that end up not matching that same energy.
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[SPEAKER_01]: and she may not know why.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so the love addict who is a codependent who gets into the relationship that is the right fit for her, what it looks like for her to be in love with the right fit is someone who is mutually giving.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I said for the hulkish romantic that she doesn't need to necessarily be with someone who is giving 12 dozen roses every Saturday and writing her love stories and love cars.
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[SPEAKER_01]: She made think that she wants that, but once she gets into a relationship with that someone that is that sees her,
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[SPEAKER_01]: All of that overcompensating that used she used to need before, which is probably why a lot of narcissists are really good at getting the whole place romantic because she loves the love bombing and she'll even take the love bombing even when she knows as a part of manipulation.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But once she's with someone who is true, there is sweetness that comes with being loved in the right relationship that doesn't come with all the contingencies and all of the manipulation and all the tricks and all that other stuff.
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[SPEAKER_01]: with the codependent, I do think that when she isn't her best relationship though, she does need someone who is just as mutually giving us her because her her her basic state, her her most organic state is to give.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So she needs someone who is not only good at receiving, but able to take care of her and wants to take care of her and an initiative is taking care of her.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So that she can get out of her threat response and learn that she doesn't need to always be performing all the time.
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[SPEAKER_01]: For the co-dependent, it is hard for her to receive that because of her trauma, because whatever she has received, it has meant punishment on the other side of it, as meant that has been held against her.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It may not last for a long time, so she can't really depend on it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I like it, but let me kind of like,
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[SPEAKER_01]: move away from the joy of this moment because it can't be trusted to at least stay here.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You might be genuine, but something may happen in the future.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So this is what we need to work on with the codependent to get her to receive the type of love that she deserves.
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[SPEAKER_01]: The next type of archetype is the fantasizer.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So this is a person that's may
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[SPEAKER_01]: have a very active fantasy life about what she may want in love and connection and it is very active in her head.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So she may be really in love with love stories.
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[SPEAKER_01]: She may be someone who, like many of us, I was also one of these people that you get to sleep at night.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I would do they call it maladaptive day dreaming, but
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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I really like that, even though I'm talking about this in the context of love addiction, I don't, I don't like being shamed, but to get to sleep at night, maybe you, your bedtime stories and you have were love stories, were things about being loved or rescued and saved and things like that, and by the way, all of this happens, people give Disney a really bad rap, and
13:36
[SPEAKER_01]: for good reason in a lot of places.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But I feel like this connects to a little bit of an innate truth is that every child, every little girl, has an innate desire to be seen, adored, cherished,
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[SPEAKER_01]: prioritize, catered to, and just seen and revered in.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Just a little girl who just naturally will twirl in a skirt who will naturally make a mud pie and show it to you and just beam when you tell her how cool it is.
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[SPEAKER_01]: The little girl who, if she likes to climb trees, we'll try to climb to the top tree and need you to,
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[SPEAKER_01]: be impressed to be in awe and be like, oh, wow, that is so great.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And when we don't get that as little girls that need does not go away, we may learn how to cope with it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We may learn how to minimize it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We may learn how to overcompensate for it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But that is God given.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That is there.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That is,
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[SPEAKER_01]: dare I say biological that is a spiritual need and so we will find other facets and ways to get it and so which is why we will graduate to be an adult woman who will get into relationships with people who give us these little bread crumbs of things that we never got as little girls.
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[SPEAKER_01]: and it feels novel and it feels new and it feels unique and it feels special because we didn't have it in space before.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so for the fantasizers who may create this fantasy life in her head about what is possible for her, that is an incredible and ingenious coping mechanism.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And and I think it makes a lot of sense for her to have it.
15:13
[SPEAKER_01]: her strength is her peacefulness and her thoughtfulness.
15:17
[SPEAKER_01]: People who are fantasizers part of problem with someone who lives in fantasy is they don't go out for the type of love that they actually want.
15:25
[SPEAKER_01]: A lot of times the the the actor thought life and the fantasy life is not only a pleasure but it's also a buffer.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's a safety net because if she puts herself out there then she may be disappointed on the other side of it.
15:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And so she's someone who takes peace, she doesn't want the drama, she doesn't want the rejection, she doesn't want the abandonment.
15:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And if she were to be in a relationship with a person, she's probably going to try to pursue everything she can to make that relationship be as easy and peaceful as possible.
15:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And I just by nature of her being having this act of thought life and energy, she tends to be a very thoughtful person as well.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Her fatal flaw, though, is what I just shared as far as being her active thought life because a felt abandonment rejection and things like that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: She has learned that relationships aren't safe.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so, as much as she may get dating advice, as much as she may have really revised about putting yourself out there, making her an easement,
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[SPEAKER_01]: the resolutions that she's just going to do it for real this time, it doesn't actually work out.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is safer to stay within her shell, it is safer to stay within her containment of what is safe for her.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is safer for her to swear all for relationships.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is safer for her to go through long bouts of not really connecting to others and so
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[SPEAKER_01]: it is really important for her to really get some outside support and help to one normalized feelings that she is having.
16:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm kind of skipping to or I'm actually connecting to the third intimacy disorder, which is love deprivation.
16:57
[SPEAKER_01]: But this isn't the case for every woman who identifies with being a fantasizer and like romanticizing relationships or building an active fantasy life in her head.
17:06
[SPEAKER_01]: But a lot of women who, if this is their primary type, they tend to struggle with depriving themselves and living in a lot of restriction of nurturance, of self-care, of emotional, just richness.
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[SPEAKER_01]: They tend to live in the bare bones of it.
17:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that is because maybe they didn't have a lot of access to it and childhood before.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe when they did have it, it came with those contingencies and consequences that I talked about.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It being used against some, or it was taken away from them.
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[SPEAKER_01]: maybe there is a lot of active abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual that made it so that it was easier and safer for them to go within themselves and go within their heads.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so the fantasizer, in spite of her having a lot of resources sometimes, she may not actually execute on the resources.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so getting, if she's doing it by herself, so getting some outsides supported
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[SPEAKER_01]: And her ideal partnership, the one that I think is going to be the best fit for someone who is a fantasizer, this is going to be someone who sees her, who sees her sensitivity, who sees her quiet moments.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think that is necessarily a struggle.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I think that having an active imagination, I think having an active connection to what's going to make he feel loved and cherished even if it's not real is a strength.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's more about how to I get connection to that and am I living in some repression.
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[SPEAKER_01]: because it's safer, and because I'm in that bubble, I'm actually moving away from what I actually want and stopping it from actually happening.
18:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So going back to the right relationship for her, this is someone that will honor that thought life who can see her offer safety for her, offer space for her just to be herself and whatever that way that shows up.
19:00
[SPEAKER_01]: This is a person that is sweet, is kind, is endearing, is intentional with her.
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[SPEAKER_01]: there are threads and there are stories and there are themes about what internet love, what fulfilling love would look like for her.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So someone who matches those themes and someone who can do that consistently.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Now breaking these patterns are all the things that I help my students do and my BJH method program formally known as the Love Addiction Recovery School.
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[SPEAKER_01]: This is my 90-day coaching container where I help you break through all of these patterns
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[SPEAKER_01]: We learn about trauma.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We learn about where these patterns come from.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We learn about what to do on the other side.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And we also learn about what are the roadblocks that stop us from getting there.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then actually this is how we break these patterns right now in the moment to move forward.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So to join us and get started right now, you can go to blackgirlsheal.org slash method or click the link in the comments or the show notes or wherever it is that you are joining me.
20:01
[SPEAKER_01]: These are the patterns that if we don't start now, six months for now, after we've made another resolution, another promise, gone through another self-love and healing detox, we will wake up and find ourselves in the same relationships again.
20:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's about breaking those patterns now so that we can start our healing process and the relationships that we want if we want to be in a relationship.
20:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of us are listening to this podcast because it's not even on our radar.
20:30
[SPEAKER_01]: For those of you, if there are still patterns that are going on in your partnership, the BJ's method is still the right place for you, because one of the things that I have taught, even though I teach from a relationship perspective, I've said two things consistently.
20:45
[SPEAKER_01]: wherever you go, there you are.
20:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So no matter what situation, location, place you're in, you're going to bring all of your own insecurities as well of all of your strengths and to that place for you to work it out.
20:58
[SPEAKER_01]: The second thing is that relationships are a mirror.
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[SPEAKER_01]: They are going to reflect back to you, the places for you to grow.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So having a relationship status as taken or engaged or
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's not going to fix you, but it will give you an opportunity to grow, to heal, to ascend, so for those of us who do end up getting a partnerships, it is an opportunity for us to continue to expand and to grow.
21:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And for that relationship to not only be a lesson, I hear so much, and this is why so many people have sworn all relationships because when people talk about their partnerships, it sounds dry, and it sounds heavy, and it sounds
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[SPEAKER_01]: And why would I sign up and leave my single hood and my freedom and my sovereignty and my peace to go and be in a partnership just to be in it and get dragged through the mud?
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[SPEAKER_01]: I believe that relationships can be
21:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, you grow, but they can be your favorite place to come home at night.
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[SPEAKER_01]: They can be truly the people who are your best friend, your role-dump, writer-die, but this is not a person's going to let you die.
22:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, this is a person that's always going to make you better and that you're excited to talk to, and that's also excited to talk to you.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I believe that we get to be in relationships that are heavenly.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And that we can do work on our end if we have relationships that have good bones, meaning that we're with someone who is available.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Someone who is connected to us.
22:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Someone who does want to grow with us, that we can do our part to help change their dynamic.
22:40
[SPEAKER_01]: because all dynamics are too full.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And if I'm working on healing my energy, that is going to impact the partnership.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So again, you can learn more by going to blackgirlsheel.org slash method to join us.
22:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, and the last archetype for Love Adatics that I'm going to talk about today is the serial monogomer.
23:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So whenever I teach about the serum monogomer, I talk about how we know the classic definition is a person who goes from relationship to relationship.
23:09
[SPEAKER_01]: She doesn't really have any time if any single in between her partnerships that she's always got someone in the bag or she finds someone or she reconnects with an axe or something like that.
23:20
[SPEAKER_01]: We have a few people in the media who are always in relationships and things like that that we can look to, but that is a serum
23:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, I talk about how an R-Dane age that currently culturally we live in a Dane age where when we talk about relationships, a lot of teachings, a lot of philosophies will tell you to not really want to commit to someone tonight.
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[SPEAKER_01]: All your eggs and one basket to have a roster.
23:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Then normalizes that sometimes people are in talking phases for months and months and months and months and months and months and months and months and years on end before they are committed so the timeline in between for some folks is longer than others and so there may be people who are technically single on paper and haven't single on paper, but they are not actually single.
24:21
[SPEAKER_01]: this archetype.
24:23
[SPEAKER_01]: In the same way that I say that there's strengths for all of them, and that none of these are necessarily bad.
24:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, if you're someone who always has people that you're dating and that's when you're roster, it's not your fault that you're gorgeous and that you are someone who is well-loved and that you enjoy having a good time in meeting people.
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[SPEAKER_01]: There is nothing wrong with that.
24:43
[SPEAKER_01]: where the problem comes in at under the umbrella of love addiction, this is my umbrella.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And the under the umbrella of love addiction is if this falls under the path of using it as a way of coping.
24:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So, do you use relationships to distract yourself from what's going on inside of you?
24:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you use relationships as a way to take care of you and give you emotional care and nurturance and pleasure and fun that you don't really know how to give to yourself?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Is dating your only or your main hobby?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Do you have anything else that asks to who you are as a person?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Do you know who you are outside of a relationship?
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[SPEAKER_01]: If you thought about the idea of being single for six months to a year and what happens in your body at that thought?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And that means you're not going on dates.
25:28
[SPEAKER_01]: That means you're not getting fired.
25:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So nobody that means that you're not having nobody pay your bills.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That you're doing it all in your own.
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[SPEAKER_01]: What does what comes up for you?
25:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And why?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And just being curious about that and seeing what that looks like for you, do you need to overcome Satan's some other place?
25:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So maybe you can't be single, but that means you need to start working more.
25:47
[SPEAKER_01]: That means you need to make more money.
25:49
[SPEAKER_01]: That means that you need to make sure that you have lots of friends, but not just lots of friends for social sake, but because you need people to
26:00
[SPEAKER_01]: and bringing you up in your head because that is your source for internal confidence versus what you currently already know about yourself and what you hold inside of yourself.
26:09
[SPEAKER_01]: That is what we are looking at when we look at ceremony as a symptom of love addiction.
26:15
[SPEAKER_01]: So the the strength for this person is that she is faithful, that she is consistent, she's going to be there for you.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Actually, when I'm thinking about ser monogamers, I usually think about the classic since first.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So the classic sense is someone who is in consistent long-term relationships, the ser monogamers is someone who is just with one person for a year.
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[SPEAKER_01]: The next person for three years, the next person for two years, the next person for eight months, the next person for six plus years, that is her M.O.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But according to the definition that I just gave for more modern times, she may not be with multiple people, but I still think that a person who is a Sarah Monogomer can be very consistent in all of her relationships, she's consistent with her boundary, she's consistent with what she knows what she wants, and she can be faithful when she is with the right person.
27:10
[SPEAKER_01]: as far as her long-term partnership that I think is the right fit for her.
27:14
[SPEAKER_01]: This is someone who is also into long-term commitment and fidelity, however, who gives her space for her to actually be herself, who can give her space to have a hobbies outside of their relationship to pursue things and important to her to where their whole relationship is not just done being coupled up and
27:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I am.
27:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I haven't said what my archetypes are, but I have been a hopeless romantic and I know because I've seen my experience that love gets to be so easy.
27:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And so being with someone that's your best friend and that you get to be coupled up with and cuddled up with and like this for a favor of place to be is awesome.
27:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's also very awesome to know who you are, to have space to breathe, to be able to go away and come back, or to even know yourself enough to say, hey, I want to do this hobby or I want to do this thing.
28:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're making a couple of things, great.
28:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And if your couple doesn't want to do this thing, that's very interesting to you, that you don't not do it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Because you have your own self-agency, and you're with a person that feeds that, and it encourages that, and wants you to be the best person that you are.
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[SPEAKER_01]: that finds that very attractive and finds it sexy and wants to push you to grow.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That is the type of that, revelation that's the best relation for the Sarah Monoguer.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Because her being a couple is easy.
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[SPEAKER_01]: She knows how to do that.
28:37
[SPEAKER_01]: She knows the rules.
28:38
[SPEAKER_01]: She knows how to make it work.
28:39
[SPEAKER_01]: She knows how to bring spice.
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[SPEAKER_01]: She knows how to lay low.
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[SPEAKER_01]: She knows the ebs and flows of it.
28:44
[SPEAKER_01]: That's easy.
28:45
[SPEAKER_01]: But finding her own path is where it can be hard.
28:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's it for today's episode.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I hope that you found it helpful like I said and next episode I'm going to be talking about the four, no, there are three types of love avoidance, but I'll be sharing more with you there And also I'll be sharing what it looks like for the love avoidance to be in love and their positive quality This is unique.
29:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I've taught about these archetypes for
29:10
[SPEAKER_01]: year is now, but I haven't shared this aspect of it.
29:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you've liked this, make sure that you are subscribed to make sure that you follow me for the next episode.
29:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you would like help to work through these patterns and break these cycles, join me in the BGH method, my 90-day coaching container.
29:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I will left to see you there.
29:28
[SPEAKER_01]: You can go to blackgirlsheel.org slash method.
29:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And let's start change now.
29:34
[SPEAKER_01]: That's it for now.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'll see you the next episode.
29:36
[SPEAKER_01]: As always, take care