Latest / How Not To Give Up with Kathy Tulley / You're Not Meant to Do This Alone

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You're Not Meant to Do This Alone · How Not To Give Up with Kathy Tulley

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Everything gonna be alright, alright, everything gonna be alright, alright, everything gonna be alright, alright, alright, alright, let's go.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can I ask you a question?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: When was the last time someone asked you, need a hand?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And what did you say?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Did you say, oh no, I'm good?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you're standing there with your arms full, trying to balance six things at once, and one of them's about to hit the floor.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, me too.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another question.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Who taught us that we were supposed to be able to carry everything by ourselves?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to How Mot to Give Up.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kathy Tully, and I'm really glad you're here.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: My hope is that by being up our time together, you leave remembering a little more of who you are.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're going to talk about something that sounds so simple.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Help, support, other people.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And why something as ordinary as letting someone help us can sometimes feel so darn complicated.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, picture this with me.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: You've got a big heavy box.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's full of books, more dishes, or things you passed three moves ago and still haven't unpacked.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know the box.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you're trying to carry it across the room.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can lift it, sorta.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can move it a little, but you can't see over the top, and you're doing that fun little sideways shuffle because you don't dare put it down.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now someone walks up and says, Hey, need a hand?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you say, no, but I've got it.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Do you though?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because where I'm standing, it looks like a very complicated relationship between you, gravity, and a cardboard box.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the interesting part.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if you let that person take one corner?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Just one?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Box hasn't gotten any smaller.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Stuff inside hasn't disappeared.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly, the way is distributed differently.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can see where you're going.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You might even be able to laugh about how ridiculous the whole thing was.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And neither of you has to be a superhero.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Just two people moving a box.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what if some of the things you're carrying in life work a little like that?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: In our last episode, we played Hope Detective, my favorite game.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Remember?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of looking at yourselves and saying, What's wrong with me?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I just do this?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: What have I been carrying?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the thing that looks like a simple five-minute task isn't really a five-minute task.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: There's everything attached to it: decisions, worries, interruptions, things we have to remember, the emotional weight, the invisible backpack no one else can see.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to add another question to our investigation.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: How much of this have I been trying to carry alone?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, now that might be worth looking at.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes we get so used to managing everything we stop notice when we're doing it.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: We become the person who remembers, the one who checks, the person who makes sure, the person who figures it out, the person everybody calls.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And after a while, it can feel almost strange to imagine anyone, someone doing any of those things for us.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not because we don't appreciate other people.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're simply so practiced at being a capable one, we forget there's another possibility.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes there's a reason for that.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned early that help wasn't dependable.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe asking came with strings attached.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe someone made you feel foolish for needing something.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you asked before, nobody came.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're just surrounded by people who are carrying their own heavy boxes and you don't want to add to their load.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those are real experiences.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you to wave them away with a cheerful little, oh, just ask for help.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes asking is complicated.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people we wish we could count on aren't available.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we really do have to figure out how to get through something without that support we deserve.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I'm wondering.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: What if having learned to do things alone?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Does it mean we're required to do everything alone forever?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love being able to figure things out.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Give me a mystery, a question, something that isn't working quite the way it's supposed to.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, my little detective brain wants to investigate.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening here?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: How's this thing work?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: What am I missing?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something wonderful about knowing we can rely on ourselves.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere along the way, it's possible to turn a useful ability into a role.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can do this myself because I should do this myself.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then I have to do this myself.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Did you notice what happened there?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Same person, same ability, but completely different relationship with the possibility of help.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Being capable does not mean we have to do everything.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Being independent doesn't mean we have to be isolated.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And receiving support doesn't erase what we're capable of.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that boxing game.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: When someone takes one corner, we haven't suddenly become a person who can't carry things.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're still participating, you're still choosing where you're going, you just don't have to carry every ounce of the weight.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's an important distinction.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Support isn't always someone taking over, sometimes it's someone joining us.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's where I think we can get really curious.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we hear the word help, we may picture someone sweeping in and fixing the whole problem.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if nobody can do that, then we decide there's no help available.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: But what if we're well only looking for one kind?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes help is somebody doing something practical, breaking groceries, making a phone call, explaining the part we don't understand, taking one task up our list.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes help is information.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody knows where to find the form, how to fix a thing, or which question to ask.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes help is a person who doesn't try to fix anything.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: They just sit with us.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: They listen.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: They let us talk until we can hear what we've been trying to say.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had that habit?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're explaining something to a friend.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: You start off with a big templed mess of thoughts.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're talking and talking, and suddenly you say, wait a minute, I know it.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I know what I need to do.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And your friend says, Well, I didn't do anything, but they did.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: They listened, they made room, they asked a question.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow in that conversation, you found a thread you couldn't see before.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me that help didn't always have to mean somebody else has an answer.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes another person's presence helps us recognize an answer or a possibility we couldn't see alone.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a very different way to think about support.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So let's investigate something.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not who's missing, not who lets you down.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: We can acknowledge those things.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: They are real.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: But just for a moment, I want to point our flashlight in another direction.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Can you remember someone who helped you carry one corner?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was years ago.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was yesterday.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they didn't even realize they were helping.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who listened when you need to talk.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who made you laugh on a terrible day.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who said, I believe you.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who explained something without making you feel stupid.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who knows you're struggling and quietly made something easier.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or someone who just showed up.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: What did that do for you?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily what did they fix?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: What changed because they were there?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Did you feel a little less frightened?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: A little more capable?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Did you remember that somebody cared?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Did the next step become easier to see?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's evidence.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: A little clue.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe even a clue we've overlooked.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we're struggling, it's easy to remember every time we had to manage our on our own.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And those memories matter.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: But they may not be the whole story.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: There may also be people who helped.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Moments when connection made a difference.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Times when someone took one coin.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps remembering those moments helped us recognize something about ourselves too.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: We were never less worthy because we needed someone.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: We were human.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to ask you something else.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever helped somebody?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you have.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've helped someone move, or listened to a friend, work through a difficult decision, shared something you knew, or sent a message at exactly the right moment.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And when I thanked you, did you think, wow, there must be something terribly inadequate to have needed me?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, of course not.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You probably thought, oh, I'm glad I could help.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you feel honored that they trusted you.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my question, which I asked a lot of.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it sometimes so much easier to recognize a dignity in someone else's need in our own?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is an interesting little mystery, because we can look at someone we love and understand perfectly well that they're capable, intelligent, strong, and still sometimes need a hand.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: But when it's our turn, sometimes we've got a completely different set of rules.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, Detective, I believe we found a double standard.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to scold ourselves about it.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: We did just notice it.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Keep serious.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ask where did that rule come from in the first place?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And whether it's still one we want to live by.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my blood for us to try.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not a big assignment, not a complete life overall, just a little experiment.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometime this week, notice one thing you're hearing.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Something that's taking more effort than you expected.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself, would it help if someone took one corner?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the answer is yes, maybe it's no.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know yet.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: If the answer is yes, see whether there's one safe, reasonable way to invite some support.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: It might sound like, hey, can I talk something through with you for a few minutes?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or, do you know how this works?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or would you mind giving me a hand with this part?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or even, I'm having a hard day.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need you to fix it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Could you just keep me company for a little while?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if reaching out doesn't feel possible right now, your experiment can be even smaller.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice the moment when you automatically think, I have to do this by myself.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And ask, do I?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: We're collecting clues, not handy out grades, and we're certainly not making you the suspect.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're the detective.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want to leave you with one thought.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the people who see the strongest are carrying things nobody knows about.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the people who make everyone else laugh are the ones who can really use someone to sit beside them.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the person who knows what to do with love just wants to hear somebody say, here, let me get that corner.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe today you're that person.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the one who used a hand, or maybe you're remembering someone else who might.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, I hope you'll remember this.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to prove your worth by carrying everything alone.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to wait till you're completely overwhelmed to deserve connection.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: You matter before the box gets too heavy.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: You matter when you're doing things beautifully.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You matter when you're struggling, and you matter when you need a little help.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I started this episode by asking when someone left off a good hand, but won't leave you with a different question.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: What might be possible if I didn't have to carry every corner myself?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to answer that right now.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just take it with you.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: See what you know this week.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if something comes to mind, I'd love to hear about it.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can now send me a note through the podcast fan mail link.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yay! I'd love to hear from you.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your story will help someone else recognize a little piece of their own.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for spending this time with me.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really glad you're here.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, the spark is still there.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: The story is not finished.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And whatever you're caring, I hope you'll find someone who can take a corner now and then.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's a seat for always a seat for you here.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next time.