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Unaligned & Outgrown: Releasing People Who No Longer Fit Your Life · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Apoday Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
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Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to another episode if She Rises.
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Speaker 1: Welcome Wednesday and Today. We wanted to first say, if
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Speaker 1: you haven't listened to Monday's episode, go and listen to
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Speaker 1: that first, because you kind of feel like they're intertwined
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Speaker 1: with each other. YEP, and Monday's was more about how
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Speaker 1: to have hard conversations, conflict, boundaries, standards, expectations. And then
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Speaker 1: today's episode, the title of it is Underligned and Outgrown,
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Speaker 1: releasing people peep on a level, people who no longer
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Speaker 1: fit your life.
1:02
Speaker 2: Something we can all relate to. That we've all struggled
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Speaker 2: with it every point on our journey.
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Speaker 1: But why is it not spoken about enough? Because we
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Speaker 1: have this story that because we were friends with someone
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Speaker 1: in preschool, we have to be friends with them forever.
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Speaker 1: I got so much shit online for having a friendship breakdown.
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Speaker 1: People automatically think that something's wrong with you, or you've
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Speaker 1: done something bad, or there's some big things blown up,
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Speaker 1: And yes, things happen, but that is life. You grow apart,
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Speaker 1: things happen. Sometimes you can't resolve what you can't see
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Speaker 1: either eye. You're just not aligned anymore. That's a normal
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Speaker 1: part of life. So today we want to talk about it,
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Speaker 1: normalize it because it is in our dms all the time.
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Speaker 1: They share their story of a friendship breakdown or relationship breakdown,
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Speaker 1: and it's just so hard and people carry so much
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Speaker 1: shame around it. So today we're going to talk about
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Speaker 1: how it feels when someone's not aligned, how to remove
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Speaker 1: them out of your life, which is very difficult, and
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Speaker 1: all things in between. So I've got a sound that
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Speaker 1: I actually saw on TikTok I thought I would play.
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Speaker 1: It's very relevant, So listen to this.
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Speaker 3: You might have that friend where you see them on
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Speaker 3: your calendar. They're like, oh, yeah, should I cancel him?
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Speaker 3: So tired or I'm not really looking forward to it,
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Speaker 3: but we've been friends forever. It's on the calendar for
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Speaker 3: a long time, and you hang out with them, and
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Speaker 3: you wonder is this fun? Sometimes really fun people can
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Speaker 3: mass they're having fun. Actually they're just fun, but they're
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Speaker 3: not actually having any fun. So you're wondering, am I
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Speaker 3: having fun? Or are they supporting me?
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Speaker 1: Wait? Was that massive? Aggressive? Why do I feel so tired?
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Speaker 3: When you leave this friend and you think I should
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Speaker 3: have just stayed home and watch Netflix? When you leave
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Speaker 3: and you can't remember anything you talked about when you leave,
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Speaker 3: a new question? Do they really like me?
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Speaker 1: Did I learn anything that I get?
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Speaker 2: Asked?
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Speaker 1: Good questions? That is the ambivalent relationship.
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Speaker 3: They take more energy than the good relationships and the
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Speaker 3: toxic relationships. When you think about the people in your life,
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Speaker 3: and I would highly recommend to make a list to
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Speaker 3: all the people in your life and put a star
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Speaker 3: next to the people who you would drop things to
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Speaker 3: hang out with, like you would move some things around
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Speaker 3: hang out with them.
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Speaker 1: That's a good relationship.
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Speaker 3: And put a minus sign next to people who you
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Speaker 3: dread hang out with. Sometimes there are obligatory relationships colleagues
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Speaker 3: or family relationships you don't really love.
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Speaker 1: That's fine, know it. Don't pretend that you like hanging
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Speaker 1: out with them. That's okay. But name is Vanessa van
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Speaker 1: Edwards and it was an interview that she did with
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Speaker 1: Mel Robins. I freaking love Mel Robins. I love the
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Speaker 1: way she explained all of that. So let's talk about it.
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Speaker 1: Because I know I've had friends in my life. I'm
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Speaker 1: really about it. I'm really bad at cutting people off,
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Speaker 1: even if I know they're not aligned, even if I
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Speaker 1: know I don't feel good around them anymore, even if
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Speaker 1: I know that the conversations don't like me up. I
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Speaker 1: just have obviously an anxious attachment that I struggle to
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Speaker 1: let go because I then think something's wrong with me
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Speaker 1: or I feel abandoned, I feel alone, And I have
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Speaker 1: this loyalty thing of like we're going to be in
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Speaker 1: each other's lives forever, and I told you I'm going
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Speaker 1: to stand by your side forever, through thick and thin
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Speaker 1: and all of your seasons like marriage vows, like I
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Speaker 1: promise I'll be here for you. I'm not going to
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Speaker 1: leave you. And I don't like being abandoned, so you
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Speaker 1: bet you, I'm not going to abandon you, yep. And
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Speaker 1: I will do anything, absolutely anything. I will let go
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Speaker 1: of my own boundaries and standards and bend over backwards
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Speaker 1: to make a relationship work. I really will, And it's
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Speaker 1: not necessarily the right thing to do. It's not honoring
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Speaker 1: yourself all the time, So why do we do it. It's
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Speaker 1: a painful thing, isn't it. I've definitely definitely been through
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Speaker 1: experiences in my life too having done that. Overextend yourself
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Speaker 1: and you overstay even when a part of you, deep
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Speaker 1: down kind of knows that it's feels out or it's
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Speaker 1: not working. And I definitely can say that I do
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Speaker 1: that in relationships more than friendships, but definitely life. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: we have in different areas of life, but it's.
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Speaker 2: The same wound and it's behavior and the same desire
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Speaker 2: and need to keep them and to have that Closenessay,
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Speaker 2: then it's a hard thing to acknowledge as well, when
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Speaker 2: you are realizing and you're in that weird feeling of like, oh,
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Speaker 2: this doesn't fully feel right anymore. Something's changed, something about
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Speaker 2: this is different. They're not showing up the same way
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Speaker 2: that they used to, they don't have as much time
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Speaker 2: for me anymore, or you know, I'm just not connecting
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Speaker 2: with them in the way that the depth that I
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Speaker 2: want to cauf. You're really confronting feeling see like, oh fuck,
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Speaker 2: there's change and we don't want change.
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Speaker 1: Yes, the break up or the change or the disconnect
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Speaker 1: is really uncomfortable, even if you know it's right. And
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Speaker 1: I had this experience a couple of years ago, this
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Speaker 1: really beautiful close friend and have a lot of love her.
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Speaker 1: But I remember just walking away from the conversations and
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Speaker 1: I would say to another friend, I just feel like
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Speaker 1: drained and I feel really low vibe, and you know,
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Speaker 1: all she wants to talk about is X y Z
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Speaker 1: and I just don't want to talk about that. I
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Speaker 1: don't feel challenged, don't feel inspired, and I just and
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Speaker 1: my other friend was like, why do you keep hanging
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Speaker 1: out with them? Because I love her? I love her
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Speaker 1: and we've been through so much together and dah da
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Speaker 1: da and Steve would say the same thing. He's like,
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Speaker 1: that sounds painful. I've got they're ney the worse and
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Speaker 1: hanging out with someone that talks about that. I'm like,
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Speaker 1: I know, but I love her. And it kept going,
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Speaker 1: kept going and going, and then the friendship just kind
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Speaker 1: of fell apart, and I remember when it did, I
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Speaker 1: was so devastated, and Steve was like, but you know,
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Speaker 1: it wasn't a line. I'm like, I know this is
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Speaker 1: where I get so conflicted. I can know that it's
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Speaker 1: not right, but I struggle to let go. But I
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Speaker 1: think maybe it's just a maturity thing and an age thing.
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Speaker 1: You learn more about yourself and what you want, and
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Speaker 1: I don't know. The last couple of years, I definitely
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Speaker 1: feel way more in touch with my own energy and
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Speaker 1: more aware of where it goes. And even this last
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Speaker 1: couple of months, I said to you, like, I don't
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Speaker 1: have space for a lot of people anymore. I really don't.
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Speaker 1: And I never thought I would come to a point
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Speaker 1: where I said this. And I said to Steve the
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Speaker 1: other day and my mum, because my mom's very introverted.
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Speaker 1: So really understand why you don't have a lot of
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Speaker 1: people in your close circle. It's fucking draining. Yeah, Like
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Speaker 1: I would rather have a few close people that I
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Speaker 1: give all my energy to rather than try to spread
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Speaker 1: myself too thin. I think it really changed when I
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Speaker 1: had two kids, not even one, because you have less time,
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Speaker 1: less energy, and they take so much of it and
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Speaker 1: you want to give so much of it. I just
6:32
Speaker 1: don't have a lot left in the battery. Yeah, if
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Speaker 1: they're not one hundred percent aligned, and they don't make
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Speaker 1: me feel amazing. We're not supporting each other in the
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Speaker 1: way that we both deserve to be supported. You don't
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Speaker 1: feel like they're cheerleading you on. There's no room for it.
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Speaker 1: But it's so.
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Speaker 4: Hard, it's so emotional, it's so hard.
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Speaker 2: But also what you were saying just now is with time,
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Speaker 2: you learn what feels good and what doesn't have a relationship.
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Speaker 2: And then with time, once you start to get to
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Speaker 2: know yourself and what you truly want out of the
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Speaker 2: relationships you have, then you start to recognize, oh, is
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Speaker 2: this really worth my time?
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Speaker 5: Yes?
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Speaker 2: Is this really worth that small amount of time and
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Speaker 2: capacity that you want to pour into the people?
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Speaker 1: Yeah?
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Speaker 2: You know. And so you start to question because you're
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Speaker 2: not in a place of lack, Yeah you know. But
7:13
Speaker 2: when you're in a place of lack and you feel like, fuck,
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Speaker 2: where are my people? Why don't I have anybody around me,
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Speaker 2: it's almost like you invite anyone in because you just
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Speaker 2: so badly want connection. And I've definitely been in a
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Speaker 2: place of lack in my life where that has showed
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Speaker 2: up for me, where I just really tried to fit
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Speaker 2: myself in with anybody and I used to mold and
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Speaker 2: shape shift and change myself into different versions of me
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Speaker 2: based on who I was with, so that I knew
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Speaker 2: that I would get accepted, and it didn't always work
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Speaker 2: out that way. Yeah, you know, it doesn't matter how
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Speaker 2: much you try to mold yourself, it doesn't always.
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Speaker 4: Mean that it will work.
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Speaker 1: No, people will like you for that.
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Speaker 2: You're not genuinely being yourself feel that people can feel it,
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Speaker 2: and so yeah, I definitely think it comes from that
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Speaker 2: place of like being in lack, you know, and usually
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Speaker 2: that lack is from within yourself. It's like I need
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Speaker 2: this outside of myself because I'm struggling to connect with myself.
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Speaker 1: Yes, and also recognize too that what once felt good
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Speaker 1: might not feel good now. And I know for me,
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Speaker 1: especially because I've shared my life online for so long,
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Speaker 1: it's like, oh, why don't you hang out with this
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Speaker 1: person anymore? I used to love seeing you guys together.
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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, but you also don't realize is from
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Speaker 1: that age to that age, we both didn't having a
8:20
Speaker 1: kid's Yes, we both weren't running a business. We're both
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Speaker 1: free and young and like joined at the hip and
8:25
Speaker 1: doing things differently, And now we both have kids. We
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Speaker 1: both have businesses. We've grown up. We spend a lot
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Speaker 1: more time with our family. I used to try to
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Speaker 1: party and fit in, like they might still be doing that,
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Speaker 1: and I don't do that anymore. Things change as your
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Speaker 1: chapters change, like you change when you really check into
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Speaker 1: what is feeling good instead of trying to still stay there,
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Speaker 1: stay stuck there, allow yourself to revolve, and who is
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Speaker 1: meant to come along will come along. The aligned values
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Speaker 1: part is a really important thing, isn't it. And I
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Speaker 1: think that's what happens is when you are friends with
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Speaker 1: someone for so long or it doesn't matter what timeframe
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Speaker 1: it is really but maybe in the beginning, when you
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Speaker 1: first met them.
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Speaker 4: You had a line.
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Speaker 2: Yes, but then it's like a relationship if one person
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Speaker 2: grows and the other person doesn't. Yeah, immediately fall out
9:05
Speaker 2: of sink with each other. Yes, And then now that
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Speaker 2: you've grown, you might value health over going out or
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Speaker 2: you know, going to the gym as opposed to watching Netflix. Y. Like,
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Speaker 2: when your values change, you fall out of sync with each.
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Speaker 1: Other out a sink. Yeah, you're in different vibration when
9:21
Speaker 1: you're in tune with your own values and you're so
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Speaker 1: strong on them I feel like you magnetically attract similar people.
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Speaker 1: And I really feel that now in my life. I
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Speaker 1: don't really have anyone in my life that parties, take drugs,
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Speaker 1: or drinks now. And I remember something at the event
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Speaker 1: last week said I had a really great night without
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Speaker 1: having a champagne. And I remember ask having a conversation,
9:43
Speaker 1: I said, it makes you too, because it makes you
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Speaker 1: in thought, don't drink either. I forget that people drink.
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Speaker 1: It just feels so far removed from my lifestyle now.
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Speaker 1: I don't hang. And it's not to judge it. Like
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Speaker 1: most people drink and have fun, and I don't care
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Speaker 1: what everyone else does with their life. But for me personally,
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Speaker 1: I just I don't want it in my life, and
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Speaker 1: I tend to naturally now people around me also don't drink.
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Speaker 1: Like for you, it's a non negotiable, even going into
10:04
Speaker 1: a lifelationship. Yeah, and you're so clear on your values
10:07
Speaker 1: and health is one of those values that you don't
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Speaker 1: attract people in that. I'm into that same thing.
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Speaker 2: What you just said is so true. It feels so
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Speaker 2: far away from the little bubble that I feel like
10:17
Speaker 2: we exist.
10:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, are in a bubble, and I think
10:19
Speaker 1: even it will be triggering for people to listen to that,
10:21
Speaker 1: because I hope it doesn't come across this judge you
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Speaker 1: because it's not.
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Speaker 4: No, it's not.
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Speaker 1: It's just not where we're at right now.
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Speaker 2: And like we were talking about like partying and all
10:29
Speaker 2: that stuff early this morning on the way up.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, we're talking about yahuasca.
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Speaker 2: And mushrooms and other stuff like honey drugs and things
10:35
Speaker 2: like that because like I used to be a bit
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Speaker 2: of a party girl, and there's no judgment on that.
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Speaker 2: It's just not something that I value to have in
10:42
Speaker 2: my life right now. Yeah, And that's just how I
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Speaker 2: feel about it.
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Speaker 1: And it's if you were partying with the people hanging
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Speaker 1: out with now. No, I've got a girlfriend at the moment.
10:49
Speaker 1: And she said, I don't think I've had any friendship breakdowns.
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Speaker 1: She goes, yeah, but I also don't have the hard
10:54
Speaker 1: conversations you have. Oh, and she fully like it. She
10:57
Speaker 1: had a light bulb moment. She's like, holy shit, I
10:59
Speaker 1: don't like they fucking annoy me and I don't feel
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Speaker 1: sometimes I don't want to hang out with them, but
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Speaker 1: you know, I've been friends with them since primary school.
11:04
Speaker 1: So it just is what it is well. I was like,
11:06
Speaker 1: oh yeah, wow. If you are not going to have
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Speaker 1: the hard conversations and talk about the things and check
11:11
Speaker 1: in with your values, then yeah, you could be friends
11:14
Speaker 1: forever quote unquote, But are they true value connected aligned friendships. No,
11:19
Speaker 1: And if we talk about all the time, it's like
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Speaker 1: I have friendship wounds and you have relationship wounds. I've
11:24
Speaker 1: been in a relationship for seventeen years. I can keep
11:26
Speaker 1: a solid long term relationship, but I've had friendships along
11:29
Speaker 1: the way that haven't worked out. And everyone in their
11:31
Speaker 1: life has had friendship relationship coworker, family, Yeah, family breakdown,
11:37
Speaker 1: big one. We are messy fucking humans. We have different opinions,
11:42
Speaker 1: different experiences, different beliefs, and there's going to come times
11:45
Speaker 1: where you come head to head with people and it
11:47
Speaker 1: doesn't work out. I think everyone does experience it, and
11:50
Speaker 1: I want to talk about it so other people don't
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Speaker 1: feel so alone and know that it's a normal part
11:53
Speaker 1: of life. And just at the end of the day,
11:56
Speaker 1: you cannot control what other people do. All you have
11:57
Speaker 1: to do is tune in with you, make decisions that
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Speaker 1: feel right for your heart, and show up in a
12:02
Speaker 1: way that you're really proud of if you are ending
12:04
Speaker 1: an intimate relation or you're going to go through a divorce,
12:07
Speaker 1: or you're going to confront that person at work or
12:09
Speaker 1: let a friend go and realize you're not a line.
12:12
Speaker 1: Like it is a difficult thing to have, but you're
12:13
Speaker 1: honoring yourself and that's something you should be really proud of.
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Speaker 1: Like you can look at the mirror at night and
12:17
Speaker 1: just be like, I love you. Yes, you're the older
12:19
Speaker 1: version of yourself now and that little girl that needs
12:21
Speaker 1: protecting and honoring, Like, just be proud of that. It's easy.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And just because you've previously maybe avoided conversations or
12:28
Speaker 2: maybe be struggled to have the conversations or choose yourself
12:32
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you can't choose that today. Yes, I
12:35
Speaker 2: think that's the biggest thing. I think twenty twenty five
12:37
Speaker 2: has been quite a trial and test for a lot
12:39
Speaker 2: of people. It's a lot of heavy things that have happened,
12:42
Speaker 2: a lot of friendship breakdowns, a lot of relationship breakdowns, challenges.
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Speaker 4: Pain, grief.
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Speaker 2: But in saying that, with all of the trials and tests,
12:51
Speaker 2: I think what's really important is when you are in
12:53
Speaker 2: this season of changing and outgrowing people, it's really important
12:57
Speaker 2: to really pay attention to the meaning that you're attached
13:00
Speaker 2: to these things. A real common theme that I've seen,
13:03
Speaker 2: especially among my clients, is the belief that because this
13:06
Speaker 2: friendship broke down, it means that I'm not good enough,
13:09
Speaker 2: or that I'm not somebody worth loving, or there's something
13:13
Speaker 2: wrong with me. Maybe there's something broken in me, maybe
13:17
Speaker 2: I'm just not good enough. Like there's all these narratives
13:20
Speaker 2: and stories because we internalize, oh my god, this person
13:24
Speaker 2: doesn't want to be friends.
13:24
Speaker 1: With me anymore?
13:25
Speaker 2: What did I do wrong? Should I have done it better?
13:27
Speaker 2: What could I have done better? And we put that
13:29
Speaker 2: on ourselves instead of going this is no longer in
13:32
Speaker 2: alignment for me.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, hear that relationships too, Like if someone cheats, it's like,
13:36
Speaker 1: oh my god, the other girl's better than me.
13:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's prettier than me, she's got more than me.
13:40
Speaker 2: What does she have on me that I couldn't give
13:43
Speaker 2: or provide or.
13:44
Speaker 1: Brings up so much? Doesn't it? I'd love to ask
13:47
Speaker 1: you now that we've got a full understanding of what
13:49
Speaker 1: doesn't feel good and that everyone here can know that
13:52
Speaker 1: it's okay to end things and for things to change.
13:55
Speaker 1: If you had a client that came to you and it'say, oh, Tiana,
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Speaker 1: I've got this friend or I'm in this relationship and
14:02
Speaker 1: I just know it's no good for me anymore. But
14:04
Speaker 1: I just don't know how to have that hard conversation
14:06
Speaker 1: like with the friend. Do I just kind of slowly
14:08
Speaker 1: wean away and not reply to her messages? Oh that
14:11
Speaker 1: doesn't feel right? Or ye, let's start with friendship first.
14:14
Speaker 1: How would you advise someone to break off that friendship? Like,
14:18
Speaker 1: do you advise them to break it off like a
14:19
Speaker 1: freaking breakup and a text message, or have a conversation
14:22
Speaker 1: or just slowly stop replying and inviting them? Like what
14:25
Speaker 1: would you advise block them?
14:26
Speaker 5: Now?
14:26
Speaker 4: I'm just yeading, just like delete.
14:30
Speaker 2: So this actually happened last week with a client of mine,
14:33
Speaker 2: and wow, yeah this happened. This has been a very
14:35
Speaker 2: common thing with my clients recently, a lot of change,
14:38
Speaker 2: a lot of rapid growth, a lot of fear of.
14:39
Speaker 4: Leaving people behind.
14:41
Speaker 2: Right, And my client came to me and she goes,
14:44
Speaker 2: tis like, obviously under commidants, I only share what I
14:47
Speaker 2: can share. But just briefly, she goes, Tiana, I've tried
14:49
Speaker 2: to make this friendship work. I've tried everything. There's nothing
14:53
Speaker 2: more that I can give to this friendship. I have
14:55
Speaker 2: made effort. I've tried to go to her house. I
14:57
Speaker 2: try to engage in the things that she likes. I
14:59
Speaker 2: try to make time for us to catch up. And
15:01
Speaker 2: she just gives me breadcrumbs. She gives me nothing. It's
15:05
Speaker 2: always about her or she does just talk about her.
15:07
Speaker 2: She doesn't hold space for me all the things. And
15:09
Speaker 2: I just said to her, how is this feeling for
15:11
Speaker 2: you right now? And she just said to me, it
15:14
Speaker 2: doesn't feel good. I'm like, do you feel safe around her?
15:18
Speaker 1: She said no?
15:19
Speaker 2: Like would you trust her with your biggest, deepest, darkest secrets?
15:22
Speaker 2: She goes no, Would she be somebody that you can
15:24
Speaker 2: call upon at three o'clock in the morning?
15:26
Speaker 4: And she said no.
15:27
Speaker 2: And I asked her, you know, and this is something
15:29
Speaker 2: I would get all of you to ask yourself, is
15:31
Speaker 2: is this person actually aligned for me?
15:33
Speaker 4: And pay attention to what your body is telling you?
15:36
Speaker 4: And she said no.
15:38
Speaker 2: I was like, okay, So, based on your relationship with
15:41
Speaker 2: her and how either deep, how much respect you have
15:44
Speaker 2: for her, how much love you have for her, how
15:46
Speaker 2: long you've been friends, do you think this relationship is
15:50
Speaker 2: deserving of a conversation, and she said no, okay, yeah,
15:54
Speaker 2: so I think the thing different case to case the case.
15:57
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing out of this is that
16:00
Speaker 2: when you genuinely have love, respect, you've spent a lot
16:03
Speaker 2: of time with someone, you have a genuine connection. When
16:06
Speaker 2: you've fallen out of sync with them, you have a conversation. Right,
16:10
Speaker 2: This is at least what I've done in my past.
16:12
Speaker 2: But the way that I also gauge is whether I
16:14
Speaker 2: do or don't have a conversation with him, is like,
16:16
Speaker 2: how much do I actually love, respect, and value this person?
16:19
Speaker 2: And if the answer is no, do I value them enough?
16:23
Speaker 2: And my answer is no, I let it fizzle out
16:25
Speaker 2: and it will die out on its own and we
16:27
Speaker 2: can love each other from afar and that can be it.
16:30
Speaker 2: But if it's someone that you feel like I would
16:32
Speaker 2: be disappointed if I didn't have this conversation with him
16:35
Speaker 2: because I love them so much, that's when you know
16:37
Speaker 2: you need to.
16:38
Speaker 1: Have a vexation. I suppose if that person, like say
16:40
Speaker 1: in that situation, if her friend came to her and
16:42
Speaker 1: was like, let's just call her Anna. Hey, Anna, I've
16:45
Speaker 1: noticed you've pulled away I really miss you, Like are
16:48
Speaker 1: we okay? Then she can also be like, hey, well,
16:51
Speaker 1: now that you've brought it up, things aren't feeling alive
16:53
Speaker 1: with me or da da da, and you can have
16:54
Speaker 1: that conversation let her know how you're feeling. So then
16:57
Speaker 1: you're putting your boundary in place of like, this is
16:59
Speaker 1: the end for me, But you also have been respectful
17:01
Speaker 1: and kind and sent her love and given her the
17:03
Speaker 1: closure that she needs as to why this is come
17:05
Speaker 1: to an end for her. Absolutely, that's a cool way
17:07
Speaker 1: to do it as well, And.
17:09
Speaker 2: It is important to like have those checking moments as well, Yeah,
17:12
Speaker 2: because you care about the person, right, so you're checking, hey,
17:15
Speaker 2: are we okay?
17:15
Speaker 1: Are we good?
17:16
Speaker 2: Like is anything coming up for you? I feel like
17:18
Speaker 2: you've learnt out a little bit. I feel like maybe
17:20
Speaker 2: there's not as much effort into this relationship and maybe
17:22
Speaker 2: I've contributed to that as well, and I love to
17:25
Speaker 2: work on things. And then you can kind of see
17:27
Speaker 2: where that person's at. I think bringing in conversation and
17:30
Speaker 2: opening up how you're truly feeling will invite, you know, vulnerability,
17:34
Speaker 2: and then you can see, Okay, does this person have
17:36
Speaker 2: the capacity to meet me on a vulnerable level or
17:39
Speaker 2: are they no.
17:40
Speaker 4: Baby, it's all good, It's all fine. No, but good,
17:42
Speaker 4: don't worry. What do you mean?
17:43
Speaker 2: Like?
17:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you know what I mean?
17:44
Speaker 2: So you'll be able to tell from their response where
17:46
Speaker 2: they're at, Yeah, they're out emotionally, where they're at in
17:49
Speaker 2: the friendship.
17:50
Speaker 1: And vice versa two. If you're reaching out to them
17:52
Speaker 1: asking if they're okay, and they're avoiding you and avoiding
17:55
Speaker 1: the hard conversation, there's a lot of answers and silence too. Yeah,
17:58
Speaker 1: it's tough. What about relationships? Do you have clients that
18:01
Speaker 1: come to you and A're like, oh my gosh, I
18:02
Speaker 1: need to get out of this relationship, but I just
18:04
Speaker 1: can't leave. I'm too scared to be myself. I'm too
18:06
Speaker 1: scared financially. Would I do? Yeah, that's a good one.
18:11
Speaker 2: I think the first thing every single time when my
18:14
Speaker 2: client comes to me and they're saying that they feel
18:15
Speaker 2: rocky in their relationship, I ask them three questions. I say,
18:19
Speaker 2: do you trust them? Are you in love with them?
18:22
Speaker 2: And can you see yourself spending the rest of your
18:24
Speaker 2: life with them?
18:25
Speaker 1: Or such a powerful question.
18:26
Speaker 2: And if any of those are not a full body fuck, yes.
18:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have something to look at. Aah, that's powerful.
18:33
Speaker 5: Right.
18:34
Speaker 2: Those are questions that I've asked myself in previous relationships
18:37
Speaker 2: where I've been wishy washy or on the feesh sure, yeah,
18:40
Speaker 2: where I've loved someone and haven't been in love with them.
18:43
Speaker 2: But when I ask myself the hard questions, I'm like,
18:45
Speaker 2: oh shit, I know exactly what I need.
18:47
Speaker 1: To do with your answers there, that's right.
18:49
Speaker 2: And I've had clients who have come to me and
18:51
Speaker 2: those answers have not been a full yes, and they've
18:54
Speaker 2: been able to work through it.
18:55
Speaker 4: Trust can be.
18:56
Speaker 1: Rebuiltdred percent and with the communication you can work through
18:58
Speaker 1: different issues or right.
19:00
Speaker 5: Yeah.
19:00
Speaker 2: But the other two I think, you know, you know,
19:03
Speaker 2: you know, if those answers are no, like yeah, are
19:06
Speaker 2: you really in the relationship you genuinely want.
19:09
Speaker 1: To go Oh that's such good questions. Yeah, oh thank you,
19:12
Speaker 1: that's awesome.
19:13
Speaker 2: There's one more thing that I would add to that
19:14
Speaker 2: in terms of like how to actually have that conversation
19:17
Speaker 2: if you do decide that you're kind of outgrowing somebody. Okay,
19:21
Speaker 2: this is something that I've done before in the past
19:22
Speaker 2: that's been quite uncomfortable, but sounds it kind of what
19:25
Speaker 2: you need to do, you know when you're at this place.
19:28
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing was when you bring it
19:31
Speaker 2: up to this person, is like acknowledging all of the
19:33
Speaker 2: time that you've spent together.
19:34
Speaker 1: True role play.
19:36
Speaker 4: Oh oh stop it, so.
19:38
Speaker 1: I'm your friend that you want to end like you
19:39
Speaker 1: don't want to be friends with me?
19:40
Speaker 4: That in the bingo card.
19:42
Speaker 1: No, it wasn't on a car. All right, you got this?
19:46
Speaker 2: Hey baby, do you have the capacity to have a conversation?
19:48
Speaker 2: It's really important to me.
19:49
Speaker 1: Sure do bring it in.
19:51
Speaker 2: Recently, I've been feeling we've been distancing from each other,
19:55
Speaker 2: and I've noticed with time that we maybe aren't spending
19:58
Speaker 2: enough time with each other. We're not as close, and
20:01
Speaker 2: I feel like we're kind of going in different directions
20:03
Speaker 2: in life. And it doesn't mean anything about who either
20:07
Speaker 2: of us are. It just means that I feel like
20:09
Speaker 2: they're kind of going off on different paths. And I
20:12
Speaker 2: just wanted to say that I've loved every minute that
20:15
Speaker 2: we've spent together and all of the memories and things
20:17
Speaker 2: like that that we have. But I just feel right
20:20
Speaker 2: now it feels true for me that this friendship feels
20:23
Speaker 2: complete for me.
20:24
Speaker 1: Oh wow, I mean, first of all, you said that
20:26
Speaker 1: so beautifully. There's two situations that can happen here. After
20:30
Speaker 1: that friend has heard it, she's going to be like,
20:32
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I feel the same way, Like I
20:33
Speaker 1: love you, but we're definitely disconnected. And I felt like
20:37
Speaker 1: that too. We haven't mean spenty much time together or
20:39
Speaker 1: keep following you, and I can't wait to see what
20:40
Speaker 1: you do. And I'll hope we wump into each other
20:42
Speaker 1: one day, and I'm so grateful for our memories and
20:45
Speaker 1: we will definitely continue to love each other from afar
20:46
Speaker 1: and thank you for the respect to come to me.
20:48
Speaker 1: I really loving you for that. Bye bye. And then
20:52
Speaker 1: there's the other situation where I'm guessing a more anxious
20:55
Speaker 1: personality and someone who is maybe a little bit not
20:58
Speaker 1: aware and disconnected with where the friendship's at, and she
21:02
Speaker 1: comes at you with this, Oh, okay, so you're just
21:06
Speaker 1: gonna throw our friendship? Are you freaking up with our friendship?
21:09
Speaker 1: Like you just don't want to hang out anymore? Is
21:11
Speaker 1: that just it? You just ending our friendship.
21:13
Speaker 2: It's not that I want to throw away the friendship.
21:16
Speaker 2: I love you and I love every time and moment
21:19
Speaker 2: we've shared together. And it doesn't mean that me feeling
21:22
Speaker 2: this way means anything about the past and the time
21:25
Speaker 2: that we've spent together. It just means that right now
21:27
Speaker 2: we're feeling like we're going in separate ways, and I'm
21:30
Speaker 2: feeling it's like becoming more challenging to connect with you
21:33
Speaker 2: on a deeper level at the moment. And it doesn't
21:35
Speaker 2: mean that we won't come back together as friends in
21:37
Speaker 2: the future. It just means, at least for me, it
21:40
Speaker 2: feels true for me that in this season, right now,
21:42
Speaker 2: this is where I'm at, and I respect you too
21:44
Speaker 2: much to not be anything but honest with you. And
21:47
Speaker 2: it's because I love you that I'm having this conversation
21:49
Speaker 2: with you.
21:50
Speaker 1: I got nothing. I'm like, how can I fight back
21:53
Speaker 1: with that? I can't. You know, if you would only
21:55
Speaker 1: hope that your friends could come to you with that
21:57
Speaker 1: much respect, honesty, calmness, love, truth. Yeah, Like, I feel
22:03
Speaker 1: like truth is kind, right, Honest communication is kind communication.
22:07
Speaker 2: But you know what, it's really fucking hard to have
22:08
Speaker 2: those conversations.
22:09
Speaker 1: It's so much easier in this environment, isn't it ver much?
22:11
Speaker 2: And you know what, I've actually had this conversation with
22:13
Speaker 2: a friend of mine down in Sydney, really and she
22:17
Speaker 2: was somebody that I loved so much and we were
22:19
Speaker 2: so so close, but she was in an abusive relationship
22:25
Speaker 2: and it was really hard. She was really like losing
22:28
Speaker 2: herself in it, and she was so sucked into it
22:31
Speaker 2: and he would bring it into our friendship. And at
22:34
Speaker 2: one point I had helped her so much with the relationship.
22:37
Speaker 2: I even helped her go multiple times pack up her house,
22:40
Speaker 2: pack all her things up, only for her to stay
22:42
Speaker 2: with him. I was just in a place in my
22:44
Speaker 2: life where like I didn't have the capacity for anybody
22:46
Speaker 2: else's stuff, you know. And I look back sometimes and
22:49
Speaker 2: I think, fuck, I wish I could have stayed and
22:51
Speaker 2: been there for her through that time. But at that
22:54
Speaker 2: point in my life, I just remember saying to her, like, Babe, like,
22:56
Speaker 2: if you're going to stay with him, I can't hear
22:58
Speaker 2: you talk about how he's abusive and how he scares
23:01
Speaker 2: you and how he like stands over you and hits you.
23:04
Speaker 2: And like I was like, I love you, babe, but
23:06
Speaker 2: I just I can't hear it any if you're.
23:07
Speaker 4: Going to stay with him.
23:08
Speaker 2: I was younger at this point as well, Yeah, because
23:11
Speaker 2: it was just taking over my life, because it was
23:13
Speaker 2: every single day she'd send me a voice message or
23:15
Speaker 2: call me or something like that. And anyway, it got
23:19
Speaker 2: to the point where I ended up just saying, hey, babe,
23:21
Speaker 2: I love you so much, and I fucking hate that
23:24
Speaker 2: I'm having this conversation with you, and I'm sorry that
23:26
Speaker 2: you're in this. You tell me every single day that
23:29
Speaker 2: you want to leave, and you never do, and I
23:30
Speaker 2: just I hope one day that you decide to leave
23:34
Speaker 2: and that you choose yourself, but right now I need
23:36
Speaker 2: to take space from our friendship.
23:38
Speaker 4: It was really fucking hard.
23:39
Speaker 2: And I feel even guilty almost saying that, because I
23:42
Speaker 2: think anybody listening to that might even be like, well,
23:44
Speaker 2: she fucking needed you.
23:45
Speaker 4: Why would you leave her in her hardest time?
23:47
Speaker 1: You stayed for so long?
23:48
Speaker 4: I did.
23:48
Speaker 2: I stayed for a really long time, and it just
23:51
Speaker 2: was chewing at my life.
23:53
Speaker 1: And your mental health and the day you have to
23:54
Speaker 1: look after your own mental health as well. Oh, that's tough.
23:58
Speaker 1: When I was younger, I had a girl that was
24:00
Speaker 1: just requiring a lot from me and would get really
24:03
Speaker 1: upset if I didn't contact her every day and needed
24:06
Speaker 1: a lot of attention, very very anxious, and I wouldn't
24:08
Speaker 1: have known about the attachment styles. But I just felt
24:11
Speaker 1: quite suffocated, so I had to end that. And then, yeah,
24:15
Speaker 1: I've had one friend kind of close off our friendship
24:17
Speaker 1: in a text message. I respected her for the way
24:20
Speaker 1: that she handed it, but I also didn't feel like
24:22
Speaker 1: I had much closure. Yeah, so that was hard. Yeah,
24:25
Speaker 1: that would have been had I was like mixed. I
24:27
Speaker 1: was like, I really respected that she did it in
24:29
Speaker 1: a way. I think for her that was all that
24:32
Speaker 1: she had the capacity for. I don't think she could.
24:34
Speaker 1: She's not a very not someone that can sit down
24:36
Speaker 1: and have hard conversations, so for her that would have
24:38
Speaker 1: been really hard, and I respect that she even did that.
24:41
Speaker 1: But yeah, I think the way you had that conversation
24:44
Speaker 1: before is just so beautiful. And I think if anyone
24:46
Speaker 1: wants to come to you like that, you would just
24:48
Speaker 1: respect them so much and be so thankful for the
24:51
Speaker 1: way that they've done that, rather than going bitching behind
24:53
Speaker 1: your back or being two faced, or just screening your calls,
24:57
Speaker 1: or like all of a sudden, cutting you off with
24:59
Speaker 1: no closure. I think that could be really tough. So
25:02
Speaker 1: I think the role modeling example that you gave was
25:04
Speaker 1: so beautiful and I hope people listening to this take
25:07
Speaker 1: some of your language and words and tone and bring
25:09
Speaker 1: that into their dynamics, because we know that you're listening.
25:12
Speaker 1: If you're listening to this episode, it's probably because you're
25:15
Speaker 1: in a situation right now where you need to cut
25:16
Speaker 1: someone off, or you're not feeling the lines anymore, or
25:19
Speaker 1: you're anxiously attached, or things just aren't feeling good and
25:23
Speaker 1: need to check in and have some of those hard conversations,
25:25
Speaker 1: or just start having stronger boundaries around who you allow
25:27
Speaker 1: in your space and energy and which waiting to know
25:30
Speaker 1: with you. It's hard, it's really hard, And.
25:32
Speaker 2: You know what, I think the biggest thing is, like
25:34
Speaker 2: respect is a big fucking thing for me, you know,
25:37
Speaker 2: and I truly believe that just because somebody is no
25:39
Speaker 2: longer in our lives doesn't mean that we don't respect them.
25:42
Speaker 4: It's still the respect is still.
25:43
Speaker 2: There, and the way that we start things, we should
25:46
Speaker 2: also end them that way. You know, it doesn't matter
25:48
Speaker 2: what it is and how hard the conversation is, you
25:51
Speaker 2: respect that person so much more. Es I know, I've
25:55
Speaker 2: had that conversation a couple of times for different reasons,
25:58
Speaker 2: and every single person has been like, thank you so much,
26:01
Speaker 2: thank you for being honest with me so I can
26:03
Speaker 2: work on this, or thank you so much for respecting
26:06
Speaker 2: me enough to have the honest conversation with me, because
26:08
Speaker 2: I just want you to know that I love you still.
26:10
Speaker 1: Yeah.
26:10
Speaker 2: And then the next part is that I've also been
26:13
Speaker 2: on the other end of that where somebody has had
26:15
Speaker 2: that hard conversation with me and stop being friends with me,
26:18
Speaker 2: and I've been like, thank you so much for being
26:20
Speaker 2: honest with me. I would love to know in that
26:23
Speaker 2: friendship who ended your friendship over the text message? Is
26:27
Speaker 2: there something that you wish, like a different way that
26:30
Speaker 2: that could have gone so much?
26:31
Speaker 1: So Yeah, on.
26:32
Speaker 2: The receiving end of that, for anyone listening who might
26:36
Speaker 2: be behaving that way, Yeah, how would you have liked
26:39
Speaker 2: that person to handle things.
26:40
Speaker 1: To have a conversation? Yeah, I felt like it was
26:43
Speaker 1: almost a bit avoidant. And when you've had a long
26:46
Speaker 1: standing friendship with someone and you've been through so much together.
26:49
Speaker 1: For me, my expectations, which I'm well aware of my expectations,
26:54
Speaker 1: and how I would show up as I have the
26:56
Speaker 1: respect that you're just talking about, I had the respect
26:58
Speaker 1: to have a conversation with them and if other things
27:01
Speaker 1: have come up to end the friendship, I think they
27:04
Speaker 1: are deserving of knowing what that is. Even if you've
27:07
Speaker 1: made your mind up, I think everyone should be given
27:10
Speaker 1: the opportunity to hear it and be able to take responsibility, apologize,
27:15
Speaker 1: have the discussion around it, even if you still want
27:17
Speaker 1: to separate and go your own ways. But just cutting
27:20
Speaker 1: it like that, even if it was done with love,
27:23
Speaker 1: it just doesn't feel respectful and enough for me. I
27:26
Speaker 1: would have liked a little bit more, and it's kind
27:29
Speaker 1: of left me feeling like there wasn't as much closure.
27:31
Speaker 1: And even in that sense, if someone wanted to end
27:34
Speaker 1: a friendship with me like that, I would have loved
27:36
Speaker 1: to just give them a hug bye. You know, because
27:39
Speaker 1: I still love on all of my friends, even the
27:40
Speaker 1: ones that I've had breakdowns with. I still have so
27:43
Speaker 1: much love for them and respect for them and want
27:46
Speaker 1: the best for them. I wish things could be different sometimes.
27:50
Speaker 2: Just to give the person who's in that position maybe
27:52
Speaker 2: a little bit of context of the other person on
27:54
Speaker 2: the other side. What do you think that would have
27:56
Speaker 2: given you if you were to receive that, Like if
28:00
Speaker 2: they had behaved in the way that you needed what
28:02
Speaker 2: do you think.
28:02
Speaker 1: That they would have left you with closure, Yeah, acceptance
28:06
Speaker 1: and love for us as individuals and for our friendship
28:11
Speaker 1: and what it once was, whereas I feel like it's
28:14
Speaker 1: just kind of been left an open wound and there's questions.
28:18
Speaker 1: So I think not having closure for me is really hard.
28:21
Speaker 2: Yeah.
28:22
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people on motivational speakers, so
28:24
Speaker 1: you don't know it's near closure, like move on except
28:26
Speaker 1: things how they are. That sounds lovely, But for me,
28:29
Speaker 1: I like having closure, and I'm also a very self
28:31
Speaker 1: aware person. I want to hear and know if something's
28:34
Speaker 1: happened or come up in the past that we haven't resolved,
28:36
Speaker 1: and you know what long standing friendships are probably has
28:39
Speaker 1: been stuff like I can take full responsibility for how
28:41
Speaker 1: I would have shown up in certain situations in stress
28:44
Speaker 1: or discomfort or in my anxiousness. How I deal with
28:48
Speaker 1: things now would have been so different to how I
28:51
Speaker 1: handled it back then. So I wish that both parties
28:54
Speaker 1: involved could have those open dialogues, Like I feel like
28:57
Speaker 1: if anything comes up for us, we just it's straight
28:59
Speaker 1: away a conversation. It's not something we let sit or
29:02
Speaker 1: fester or fester. It's like and it's like even ignore her.
29:05
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, you okay, Like something's here, we talk
29:08
Speaker 1: about it straight away. But then it's also like, okay, well,
29:12
Speaker 1: some friendships have ended because they can't meet you where
29:14
Speaker 1: they haven't met themselves. That's what brings me pieces of
29:16
Speaker 1: like I just know that that's all she could do
29:18
Speaker 1: in that moment. She couldn't have the conversation. She couldn't
29:21
Speaker 1: sit down face to face to me and tell me
29:23
Speaker 1: how she really felt because she's too uncomfortable. And that's
29:26
Speaker 1: where she's at, and that's where some people are at.
29:28
Speaker 1: They don't know how to do all of that, and
29:30
Speaker 1: it takes a lot of awareness and a lot of bravery.
29:32
Speaker 1: And I once wasn't there. Yeah, I couldn't have these
29:34
Speaker 1: conversations years ago. So I have compassion love for her,
29:37
Speaker 1: but it doesn't mean I don't still feel hurt and yeah,
29:39
Speaker 1: wish I had the closure. Yeah, But I'm really grateful
29:42
Speaker 1: now that I have my friends that I can have
29:45
Speaker 1: those conversations with. If anything comes up, I'm just like
29:48
Speaker 1: straight in there and talking about it. Yeah, And we
29:50
Speaker 1: hear each other and we work it out and it's
29:53
Speaker 1: good and it dissolves and then our friendship carries on. Yeah,
29:56
Speaker 1: and that's just like the new stand that I have
29:58
Speaker 1: in friendships so hard.
30:00
Speaker 4: Though it makes me emotional.
30:01
Speaker 1: Oh, relationships such just so hard as it really is. Yeah, God,
30:04
Speaker 1: which of our period?
30:05
Speaker 5: When you cry?
30:06
Speaker 2: I know, I feel like I've been an emotional mess
30:08
Speaker 2: for the last two weeks.
30:09
Speaker 1: Everything makes me cry.
30:10
Speaker 5: Recently, producers are just gonna be like, oh my god,
30:14
Speaker 5: these girls stuff crying.
30:16
Speaker 1: Two guys even talk when I say to you. The
30:19
Speaker 1: other day we were talking about when you cry, you
30:21
Speaker 1: like cover your face, like, yeah, because I'm such an
30:23
Speaker 1: ugly crier.
30:24
Speaker 4: Don't we naturally want to hide?
30:26
Speaker 5: Yeah. I think the other night when I was on
30:27
Speaker 5: the phone too, like covered my face. I'm like, I
30:31
Speaker 5: am an ugly crier. Oh, relationship stuff just always makes
30:35
Speaker 5: me emotional because it's just it's hard you love on people.
30:38
Speaker 5: The people I've fallen out whither I'm not closed with anymore.
30:40
Speaker 5: It's like there was such a big part of your life,
30:43
Speaker 5: and there was a part of your life where you
30:44
Speaker 5: shad everything with them and you had that beautiful bond
30:46
Speaker 5: and then it's just like not there. It's a form
30:48
Speaker 5: of grief because you're grieving someone that you no longer
30:50
Speaker 5: have access to and that's hard, and maybe because we've
30:54
Speaker 5: got other grief in our lives. At the moment, it's
30:56
Speaker 5: like tricker line makes me cry, like it feels heavier,
30:58
Speaker 5: It feels heavier, and closure just gives me peace. Maybe
31:02
Speaker 5: it's a form of control. When I've got closure, I'm.
31:04
Speaker 1: Like in control of the situation. But I don't get
31:07
Speaker 1: to like have that. I'm just left wondering, you know.
31:11
Speaker 1: So Yeah, it's tricky.
31:13
Speaker 2: It's a really hard thing for anyone to navigate and hold.
31:16
Speaker 2: Is like the lack of closure friendships, relationships.
31:19
Speaker 1: And then online too. When people ask me questions, I'm like,
31:22
Speaker 1: I would like to know.
31:23
Speaker 4: Yeah, I would like to know. You know, yeah you
31:26
Speaker 4: have the same question.
31:27
Speaker 1: I have the same questions.
31:29
Speaker 5: Yeah.
31:29
Speaker 2: I think this is a huge side of friendship and
31:31
Speaker 2: relationships that not many people are feeling brave enough to have.
31:34
Speaker 2: Is the real raw vulnerability of the pain that happens
31:38
Speaker 2: when you don't get any closure.
31:39
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. My internal relationship with Steve. I
31:43
Speaker 1: go to him for anything and everything, Like, definitely, some
31:45
Speaker 1: conversations are harder and uncomfortable, but I can't not talk
31:49
Speaker 1: to you about things like I just have so much
31:52
Speaker 1: respect for our relationship. Yeah, I cannot sweep I did
31:55
Speaker 1: when I was younger. Yeah, all it did was like
31:57
Speaker 1: build up resentment and affect our connection and our depths. Yeah,
32:01
Speaker 1: and now I'm just like, that's no, that's not going
32:04
Speaker 1: to be here, Like, that's not it. I'm not going
32:05
Speaker 1: to have space here. I take so much responsibility for
32:09
Speaker 1: where our relationship's at and how I want it to be.
32:11
Speaker 1: I have that vision and I want that. I can
32:13
Speaker 1: feel that. I won't let that get in the way.
32:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, why would I sweep it when it impacts
32:17
Speaker 2: our foundations.
32:18
Speaker 1: One hundred percent? And I have that same with my friendships.
32:20
Speaker 1: Now I'm not allowing that to be there because I
32:23
Speaker 1: love them too much.
32:25
Speaker 2: And also, you've been able to feel the level of
32:27
Speaker 2: depth and how good a relationship does feel and how
32:30
Speaker 2: safe it feels. Yeah, when you are communicating in a
32:33
Speaker 2: way that is productive or communicating anything that sits between you, Yeah,
32:37
Speaker 2: because it just takes you to that deeper level of
32:39
Speaker 2: vulnerability and connection. And that's something that you just can't
32:42
Speaker 2: have when someone's in their ego, when they're protecting themselves,
32:45
Speaker 2: when they're trying to preserve themselves over preserve the connection
32:50
Speaker 2: of the relationship.
32:51
Speaker 4: It's just so different.
32:52
Speaker 1: It's not your job to change people either, know, you know,
32:54
Speaker 1: as much as I'd want to change the way some
32:56
Speaker 1: people do things like, it's not my responsibility. You kind
32:59
Speaker 1: of just have to have to accept people for where
33:00
Speaker 1: they're at. It's nice type people around me that value
33:03
Speaker 1: communication as much as what I do and value relationships
33:06
Speaker 1: as much as what I do, And it kind of
33:07
Speaker 1: highlights you can see why other friendship is broken down. Yeah,
33:10
Speaker 1: because you're not valuing the same thing. And my mom
33:12
Speaker 1: said this to me too, about a friendship that I
33:14
Speaker 1: don't really talk to her much anymore. She's like, she's
33:17
Speaker 1: never really valued friendship as much as you. And at
33:18
Speaker 1: first I was like, what do you mean? How can
33:20
Speaker 1: people not value friendship? She does, but she doesn't. Yeah,
33:23
Speaker 1: I'm like that I don't really value friendships. Tasy like
33:25
Speaker 1: that it's not on the top of his values. But
33:27
Speaker 1: you've always loved friendship. True, Your friends have been your
33:30
Speaker 1: safe place. When you're at home with your stepdad, you
33:33
Speaker 1: never wanted to be there. You want to be with
33:34
Speaker 1: your friends. They've always been your safe place. They've always
33:37
Speaker 1: been the people that you've turned to that you've lean on,
33:39
Speaker 1: so you can see why you value them so much.
33:41
Speaker 1: But doesn't mean everyone else does. Yeah, see to you
33:43
Speaker 1: and a friendship breakdown is like, oh my god, the
33:45
Speaker 1: worst thing in the world. To them, it's like a
33:47
Speaker 1: move on, like all good, Oh that happens.
33:49
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's so hard.
33:50
Speaker 1: Different values. We're not all the same people.
33:53
Speaker 4: No, that's the hardest thing though.
33:55
Speaker 1: Because sometimes you we expect them to be.
33:57
Speaker 4: That's the hard thing to come to terms with. It's like,
33:59
Speaker 4: how can you not value it the way that I do?
34:01
Speaker 1: But then you meet people like me and you who
34:03
Speaker 1: have the same value. Works. You use an example of
34:06
Speaker 1: food a little while ago. Food, Yeah, where you were
34:10
Speaker 1: like it just when you've got the same values. When
34:11
Speaker 1: we go out for dinner, we both want steak. It's
34:14
Speaker 1: just we value the same thing. We want high protein,
34:17
Speaker 1: we want to feel good. It's so true, and it
34:19
Speaker 1: just works. We didn't enjoy the same food. It makes
34:22
Speaker 1: a little bit harder. It's a service level value. I
34:25
Speaker 1: was like, wow, that's so true.
34:26
Speaker 4: It's so true.
34:27
Speaker 2: Oh yes, actually we've had a conversation about this around.
34:30
Speaker 2: When you have the same love languages in an intimate relationship, easier.
34:35
Speaker 2: It's easy because you give what you love to take
34:37
Speaker 2: or love to receive, yes, and then the same thing
34:39
Speaker 2: in a relationship, like I think a huge thing for us.
34:41
Speaker 2: We have a lot of similarities.
34:45
Speaker 5: Oh this is just.
34:45
Speaker 2: Gels and this gels. I'm like, oh my god, we
34:47
Speaker 2: have the same wound.
34:51
Speaker 1: Yeah.
34:52
Speaker 2: So having those similarities I think allows us to understand
34:55
Speaker 2: each other on a deeper level.
34:56
Speaker 1: And it's not at such a shock no, whereas I've
34:59
Speaker 1: definitely had friends in the past where I'm like, oh
35:01
Speaker 1: my god, I'm sup said I didn't get advantage to that,
35:02
Speaker 1: and they're like, why, I don't give a fuck, where's
35:05
Speaker 1: my invite?
35:06
Speaker 4: Why are not there?
35:07
Speaker 1: It's nice to be around people that share the same
35:09
Speaker 1: values and get you and see you where you're at
35:11
Speaker 1: because they've met themselves there as well. People can only
35:14
Speaker 1: meet you where they've met themselves. You can't accept them
35:16
Speaker 1: to meet you if they haven't done it for themselves
35:18
Speaker 1: that level of depth.
35:19
Speaker 2: So I think not taking it personally when they can't
35:22
Speaker 2: meet you she is an art in itself.
35:25
Speaker 1: Having compassion for where they're at, which is hard when
35:27
Speaker 1: you're emotionally plugged into them.
35:28
Speaker 2: This ties into expectations. Right. I dealt with this a
35:32
Speaker 2: couple of times in my life with people in my
35:33
Speaker 2: life feel really significant to me, where I had expectations
35:37
Speaker 2: of them to be what I needed them to be,
35:40
Speaker 2: and then I was like, why am I always disappointed
35:42
Speaker 2: that they're not that? And then remember working with this
35:44
Speaker 2: coach once and she told me, she said, who are
35:47
Speaker 2: you to say that the way that this person is
35:49
Speaker 2: living their life isn't good enough? And it just was
35:53
Speaker 2: the biggest mic drop. It stopped me in my tracks,
35:56
Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh my god, I've literally been judging
35:58
Speaker 2: this person for not meeting my invisible as standard and
36:02
Speaker 2: expectation when I'm not even giving them a chance to
36:05
Speaker 2: accept them for who they actually are. Like, they're showing
36:08
Speaker 2: me the capacity that they have to me, Ah, who
36:11
Speaker 2: am I to say.
36:12
Speaker 4: That that's not enough?
36:13
Speaker 2: Yeah?
36:13
Speaker 4: Who am I have said that that's not good enough?
36:15
Speaker 1: So true? Isn't it?
36:16
Speaker 4: Like it's just their first.
36:17
Speaker 2: Time living life as well, and they're figuring it out
36:19
Speaker 2: and removing that expectation, accepting them for who they are,
36:23
Speaker 2: and then giving myself anything that I needed outside of that,
36:28
Speaker 2: It's like, cool, Now I love and accept you for
36:30
Speaker 2: who you are, and it's such.
36:31
Speaker 1: A beautiful way to be, isn't it.
36:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a practice, though it is a practice, not
36:36
Speaker 2: perfect at it.
36:37
Speaker 5: Know that.
36:39
Speaker 1: All right, Well, we've went on a bit of a
36:40
Speaker 1: tangent then, but this is a highly requested one. It's
36:43
Speaker 1: always now DMS. We know you all go through it.
36:45
Speaker 1: You can be in denial if you haven't been through it.
36:47
Speaker 1: Maybe you're lucky, maybe you're not having the hard conversations,
36:50
Speaker 1: or maybe it's around the corner and something you need
36:51
Speaker 1: to do. Yeah, we hope this episode has helped. Yeah,
36:54
Speaker 1: and if you have anything that comes up for you
36:55
Speaker 1: around this specific topic, jump into the forum because I
36:58
Speaker 1: used to do. There will be so many women who
37:00
Speaker 1: are going to be able to relate do this. Maybe
37:02
Speaker 1: you're going through it right now and you need a
37:04
Speaker 1: little bit of support. You know that you can lean
37:05
Speaker 1: on us. There's support in that, and there's also our
37:07
Speaker 1: besties advice segments. We have an anonymous submission form that
37:10
Speaker 1: you can fill out by the link in the description
37:13
Speaker 1: box or it's always in our Instagram bio. Let us
37:15
Speaker 1: know your story, where you at, what are you struggling with?
37:17
Speaker 1: You don't know what to do? You need some advice.
37:19
Speaker 1: That's what this whole Tuesday segment is going to be about, so.
37:22
Speaker 2: Jump in there, or if you want to go one
37:24
Speaker 2: level deeper, we have our Shee Raisers live event in October.
37:27
Speaker 2: We're actually going to have a live podcast, so we're
37:29
Speaker 2: going to have a live bestie segment. We're going to
37:31
Speaker 2: have a personal development segment Freaky Friday. We've also got
37:34
Speaker 2: Q and A and Panels as well with other people
37:36
Speaker 2: going to bring on board. So if you want to
37:38
Speaker 2: go that one level deeper and you want to experience
37:40
Speaker 2: you know this, or you have any questions for us,
37:42
Speaker 2: come and join us on the night. It'll be so
37:44
Speaker 2: much fun. Bring your girls, or if you dare to
37:46
Speaker 2: be brave enough, comes solo and you'll meet people there.
37:48
Speaker 1: If you love listening to us, it's this but live,
37:51
Speaker 1: so you're being in our energy, you're hearing it firsthand.
37:54
Speaker 1: It's just like raw real, unfiltered in the flash. It's
37:58
Speaker 1: going so much fun. We've got entertainment. It's VIP experience
38:02
Speaker 1: as well. That's available limited tickets seven. Yeah, but we're
38:05
Speaker 1: really excited. It's happening October seventeenth, for can wait to
38:08
Speaker 1: see you there. So the link of the tickets is
38:10
Speaker 1: also in the description box Blow and on an Instagram too,
38:13
Speaker 1: So can't wait to see you there, beautiful, See you
38:15
Speaker 1: next time.
38:15
Speaker 2: Thanks for joining us, guys, Bye bye.