Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 238. Am I Crazy… Or Is This Control? Forced to Choose Between Love And My Kids

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238. Am I Crazy… Or Is This Control? Forced to Choose Between Love And My Kids · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoche production. Quick little favor from us. If you've been
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• 0:33
  Speaker 2: A easier advice.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Are you okay what happened?
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie Segment.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: This is the place for you. Welcome back to our
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Bestie Segment. Thanks for joining us today. If you're new here,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: this is where we have an anonymous submission. We have
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: no idea who's written in, but they're coming in with
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: little sticky situation or maybe they just want some outside advice.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: We find a lot of women that write in. They've
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: got great friends around them, but they also don't want
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  Speaker 1: their friends knowing the iddy gritty details. It might be
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: about another friend or about their husband or about their
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: family members. So just nice to get some outside advice.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Take it with a grain of salt. This is just
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: the advice that we would give each other if we
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  Speaker 1: were going through this scenario. What you got for us today?
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  Speaker 2: Oh, we have a big submission here.
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  Speaker 1: Read away ready, ladies.
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  Speaker 2: I'm widowed for almost five years, two boys and I
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  Speaker 2: have their last name for marriage. I've been re partnered
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  Speaker 2: for four years. Given my whole life and commitment to
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: the relationship and his two kids, who have both had
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  Speaker 2: high needs, I go a bob and beyond in every
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  Speaker 2: area of my life and sacrifice so much for our family,
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  Speaker 2: as does my partner. Our relationship has suffered so much
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  Speaker 2: over this time, with his insecurities, separations, traumas, mental battles,
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  Speaker 2: and then my grief and trauma on top of that.
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  Speaker 2: It has really been a roller coaster, to say the least,
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  Speaker 2: triggering one another with our anxious patterns and abandonment. But
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  Speaker 2: we got through it well. So I thought. We separated
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  Speaker 2: for a short term last year after getting to crossroads
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: of him refusing to listen his way or no way
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  Speaker 2: and completely shutting off and easily triggered to the point
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  Speaker 2: that I cannot show a single sign of expression or
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  Speaker 2: hand movement. My late husband's father and wife had paid
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  Speaker 2: for all of us to go to Darwin for a
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: family trip last year. The holiday was organized for at
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  Speaker 2: least eight months. They've been so accepting of him and
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  Speaker 2: our new family and just want to be a part
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  Speaker 2: of their grandchildren's lives. With my family being bad, influence
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  Speaker 2: and rough, this is my best option for support with
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  Speaker 2: the kids, which my partner understood and agreed. My partner
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  Speaker 2: didn't want to go on the trip as it was
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  Speaker 2: really awkward for him, and trust me, I understand, I
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  Speaker 2: really do. I was still taking the boys as it
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  Speaker 2: was a paid holiday, and he didn't stop arguing about
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  Speaker 2: me going. We couldn't bring up the holiday at all
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  Speaker 2: without arguing and in affecting the household or claiming that
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  Speaker 2: I'm choosing. My ex's family doesn't want them around and
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  Speaker 2: outright wanted us not to go. I wasn't sacrificing what
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  Speaker 2: was best for the boys, let alone an all paid
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  Speaker 2: holiday where we were broke at the time. I just
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  Speaker 2: finished recovering from a hysterectomy after tumors and endo removed.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: I went I had enough of dealing with the insecure
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  Speaker 2: and refusing to listen and shut down, and he gets
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  Speaker 2: a thought in his head and it's that nothing else.
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  Speaker 2: I was so upset on the troop that it made
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  Speaker 2: me so hard to enjoy without daily crying, But it
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  Speaker 2: really was the best choice for the boys. We worked
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  Speaker 2: on everything since and things have been amazing for close
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  Speaker 2: to a year now. With many talks over the years
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  Speaker 2: about marriage. We want to get married and had so
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  Speaker 2: many in depth conversations about it. Then this week I'm
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  Speaker 2: told that we won't be married if late husband's name
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  Speaker 2: isn't lasered off for tattoo. No problem, it was getting
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  Speaker 2: done anyway, But I would have to drop my children's
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  Speaker 2: last name, when I have made it very clear the
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  Speaker 2: whole time that I could not do that to them.
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  Speaker 2: My children have one living parent left, and that's his terms.
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  Speaker 2: My children's welfare wouldn't be okay if I dropped their
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  Speaker 2: last name when they already lost their father to suicide.
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  Speaker 2: His insecurities of never being enough for anyone and claiming
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  Speaker 2: to give everything to everyone else and not himself spiked
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  Speaker 2: and changed. Plus he doesn't want my late husband's family around,
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  Speaker 2: and I have to avoid any conversations around it. I
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  Speaker 2: really just don't see our relationship the same after that
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  Speaker 2: and asking me to choose to in him or my
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  Speaker 2: kids well being, Well, this isn't just a once conversation.
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  Speaker 2: The marriage concept and forever meant a lot to me,
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  Speaker 2: and commitment that I was his only and he was mine.
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  Speaker 2: What we have is an amazing story and it was
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  Speaker 2: my fairy tale. And now after him saying all of that,
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  Speaker 2: I just don't see the relationship the same. Now I'll
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  Speaker 2: be forever my late husband's wife, which will spike his
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  Speaker 2: insecurities even worse. I feel like I'm being punished for
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  Speaker 2: my circumstances and doing what is best for my kids.
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  Speaker 2: Am I going crazy? I can't talk to anyone or
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  Speaker 2: he gets triggered. I can't talk to family, as they've
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  Speaker 2: already heard too much from the last breakup and judged
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  Speaker 2: him for which I get. Gosh, goodness, oh.
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  Speaker 1: That's a lot. Firstly, I'm so sorry about your late
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  Speaker 1: husband and the suicide. I cannot even begin to imagine
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  Speaker 1: going through that and not only like you're grieving him
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  Speaker 1: and your relationship, but watching your kids go through that
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  Speaker 1: and having to explain like where Dad's gone, Like they'd
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  Speaker 1: be forever carrying that. That's so hard in itself, and
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  Speaker 1: it is beautiful how much you guys have supported each
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  Speaker 1: other through all of that. But I don't know, there's
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  Speaker 1: something in me that just feels he is also not
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  Speaker 1: supporting you in that it does sound like it's his way,
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  Speaker 1: all the highway, not acknowledging how this feels for you
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  Speaker 1: and what it means for you to have that last
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  Speaker 1: name and for your children. I can really see your
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  Speaker 1: point and the support of your late husband's family. Your
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  Speaker 1: late husband's past doesn't mean your relationship with them has
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  Speaker 1: passed and there ours support for you. And they're also
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  Speaker 1: the grandma and grandpa off your two kids, which they
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  Speaker 1: have a relationship with, which they should, you know. I
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  Speaker 1: don't think he should be trying to take that away
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  Speaker 1: from you. I don't think that you're crazy. No, now,
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  Speaker 1: I think that he's being unfair. I agree if to
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  Speaker 1: put it bluntly.
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  Speaker 2: To put it bluntly, I don't think that he fully
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  Speaker 2: grasps the concept of you having to deal with your
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  Speaker 2: husband committing suicide and you having to now solo parent
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  Speaker 2: your children and take the weight not only of parenting
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  Speaker 2: but showing up in this world and also carrying the
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  Speaker 2: grief that you carry. I don't think that he understands,
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  Speaker 2: and I don't think that he ever will, given he
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  Speaker 2: hasn't ever gone through something like that, which is really sad,
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  Speaker 2: because I would love for you to be able to
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  Speaker 2: be obviously don't know who you are, but I would
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  Speaker 2: love for you to be with a partner who can
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  Speaker 2: support you in your grief and support you in what
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  Speaker 2: you had to go through and having to move through
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  Speaker 2: that and everything that I'm sure you went through on
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  Speaker 2: that journey of grief, even.
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  Speaker 1: Like I know you said you're already getting the laser
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  Speaker 1: tattooed off, but like, what if you wanted to keep that?
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  Speaker 1: What if you still wanted to like have love for
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  Speaker 1: your late husband, and so you should. I think you
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  Speaker 1: should too. It's like honoring him, honoring his life, honoring
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  Speaker 1: your children, the father of your children, honoring what you
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  Speaker 1: guys went through, the relationship you had. You don't just
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  Speaker 1: have to erase that because he's insecure, not at all.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, this is one of those things I
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  Speaker 2: think you should push back on because this is something
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  Speaker 2: that is important to you. Having the same last name
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  Speaker 2: as your children and that being something that you are
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  Speaker 2: immovable on you need to stand behind. And I know
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  Speaker 2: it may cause a little bit of conflict, but at
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  Speaker 2: the end of the day, like this is something that
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  Speaker 2: you know, he's not even around, you know, but you're
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  Speaker 2: allowed to leave his legacy and have his name and
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  Speaker 2: be attached to that as well as for the children. Absolutely,
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  Speaker 2: And if it would be a different story if he
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  Speaker 2: was coming to you and being like, look, I hear you,
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  Speaker 2: I see you, I know your grief, but I'm also
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  Speaker 2: having my own experience and I don't know how to
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  Speaker 2: deal with it. Can we talk about it?
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  Speaker 1: You know?
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  Speaker 2: But he's obviously doesn't know how to deal with it,
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  Speaker 2: and he's trying to control and control the outcome of
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  Speaker 2: the situation. And I just think that's an unfair way
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  Speaker 2: to go about it. And I just I really think
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  Speaker 2: that you should be really firm on this. I agree.
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  Speaker 1: And even the family holiday, Like I get that he
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  Speaker 1: doesn't want to go. It's okay if he doesn't want
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  Speaker 1: to have a close relationship with the family, I reckon
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  Speaker 1: I'd feel a little bit icky too, But also I
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  Speaker 1: think he should be like you, guys, go the kids
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  Speaker 1: need to see their grandparents, like you go have a
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  Speaker 1: good time. I've got it here, call me if you
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  Speaker 1: need anything. I think you should be so supportive of
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  Speaker 1: that and hold that. Yeah, and so you can respect
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  Speaker 1: that he doesn't want to go, but to try and
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  Speaker 1: make you feel bad for going and enjoying that time
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  Speaker 1: and the.
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  Speaker 2: Holiday, I don't think that's fair.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. I feel like this relationship sounds like
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  Speaker 1: it's more just one way. And even you kind of
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  Speaker 1: said it's his way all the highway. It just doesn't
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  Speaker 1: feel like a teamwork, fair dynamic. It's not a dynamic
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  Speaker 1: that I want to be in. I don't think.
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  Speaker 2: Sounds very double standard as well.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, like you shut down.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, but he's doing the thing that he's saying that
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  Speaker 2: you're not allowed to do, but then showing up in
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  Speaker 2: that way. And what was mainly in all of that,
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  Speaker 2: it's like it's his way or the highway, and he's
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: very firm on what he wants and he's obviously allowed
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  Speaker 2: to raise his voice and have his opinion, but you're
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  Speaker 2: not allowed to have that. Yeah. Absolutely not, absolutely not. Sorry,
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  Speaker 2: I feel spicy today.
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  Speaker 1: No, it's it's good because if you're bringing advice and
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: you know that we're not going to sugarcoat things because
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: if we were going we always say this. If you're
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: a longtime follower, we will continue to say it in
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: cases anyone knew, like this is the advice that we
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: would give each other if one of us was in
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: your situation, Like if Tianna was in the situation, I'd
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  Speaker 1: be like, absolutely fucking not. You can keep that tatoo, babe, Like,
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  Speaker 1: he doesn't get to decide that's your body, late husband's legacy.
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  Speaker 1: It's you still want to grow your boys up knowing
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  Speaker 1: who their fucking father was, Like they need to know
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  Speaker 1: who their dad was. That's okay, And there shouldn't be
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: anyone in your life telling you that that's wrong. Can't
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  Speaker 1: just erase someone that's been such to be part of
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  Speaker 1: your life, and it shouldn't have to.
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  Speaker 2: And especially to go through something some level of grief
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  Speaker 2: in the way that you have to lose someone to suicide,
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  Speaker 2: there has to be an immeasurable amount of compassion and
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: understanding for something like that. Mm hmm. No one knows
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: what somebody who's gone through for that level of grief, Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and what that would feel like to carry and then
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: to still have to parent and everything else I mentioned
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: this before. I just think like, if it were you,
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  Speaker 2: I'd be like, babe, like you deserve somebody who's going
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: to understand what you've been through and not make you
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: feel guilty. Try to understand, try to understand, not make
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: you feel guilty for something that was out of your control.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: Imagine making somebody feel guilty for their husband committing suicide.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely not.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: And I have spoken to someone who's lost their punch
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: to suicide before they had children. I remember her so
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: vividly saying to me, and I'm not putting things in
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: your head, but I remember her saying to me like
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: I will forever live my life and my children will
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: forever live their life. Wondering why we weren't enough for
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: him to stay that alone for children to carry, like
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: we weren't enough for daddy to stay And then like the
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: kids take that is like, oh, maybe if I wasn't
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: so naughty, or like maybe if we didn't fight, or
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: maybe if I was more good, or maybe if I
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: got better grades, Like why did it?
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: And the wife's like should I have done more? Did
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I not take it seriously? Did I not put him
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: into counseling? Like was my last fight? The thing that
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: tipped him over the edge, or like did I not support?
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  Speaker 1: Was I not? You know, all those thoughts run through
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  Speaker 1: your head. You're already carrying all of that. You need
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: someone to hold you in all of that. Not to
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: fucking maybe feel guilty makes me angry.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: Actually, yeah, I feel quite activated for you because I
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: have for what you've been through. Yeah, and you deserve
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: somebody who's going to be soft with you and allow
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: someone to hold the container for you to grumble. Where
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: do you crumble?
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, make some emotional it's really sad. I No, you
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: don't deserve that. I think you need to stand on
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: your own two feet and like really sent up for
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: what you want. And if he's not willing to not
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: willing to try to understand and let you have your
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: say and do what it's right for you, I think
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: i'd be encouraging you to leave if you're in this situation, babe,
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  Speaker 1: I wouldn't want that for you. So, if your friend
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: was going through this, we always asked this, like what
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: would you tell them to do? Yeah? Would you be like, no,
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  Speaker 1: stay babe, Like this is the right move for you.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Would you be like absolutely not? You give that up
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  Speaker 1: to yourself absolutely. Yeah, my sending is so much love.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: You already know that you're such an incredible human for
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: what you're going through and what you have had to
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: hold up until now. Yeah, and also you said that
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: your family don't want to hear anything about it because
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: of the breakout, like you know how they separated and
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: they got back together. So I'm guessing you're too scared
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: to go to your family because I'd be like, oh,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: he's at it again, or you know, oh, well you
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: should have learned this the first time. Like, I'm hoping
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: that kind of energy and language isn't what you're getting
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: from them, but I'm guessing it might be. I just
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: hope you've got some good friends around you, someone that
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: you can talk to and can lean on. He doesn't
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: need to know everything you're saying, but you need your outlet. Yeah,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: you need someone you can talk to. I hope something
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: we've said to Tay can help, and you can always
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: bring it in here or give us an update. But
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: just know you're worth and you're allowed to have his legacy. Yeah,
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: you don't have to do something because he's insecure. And
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: it's not just you, it's your boys too. Yeah, they
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: deserve to know who their dad was. Absolutely, their dad
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: was important to you. You know, I must be hard
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: to even think about having to explain to you beculds Oh,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: why did you get daddy's name removed off you? Why
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: do you have a different last name?
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: To ask?
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Like, that's all the stuff she's navigating. Yeah, it's not
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: fun to explain to two little boys. And at the
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: end of the day, but it's something you want. I
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: think that you get to have it. Definitely, your body,
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: your choice.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: That's right. And I'm sure that you would be an
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: understanding person in general. So it's not like you're sitting
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: here going I'm going to do this, this, this, and this,
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: and it's unfair and there's double standards and expectations and
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: you're just moving through your relationship only wanting what you want.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: You don't sound like that kind of person. You sound
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: like somebody who would be considerate, caring, you know, understanding, understanding.
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  Speaker 2: So I don't think that you're asking for too much.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: I think you're asking for what's fair.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Definitely I agree. Oh, sending you so much love, big
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: virtual hug. Yeah, I hope you're okay, sending you love.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: We'll see you guys on Monday, Bye Love,