Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Men Need To Love Their Wives As Much As Women Love Their Kids

Transcript

Men Need To Love Their Wives As Much As Women Love Their Kids · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today. We're going to talk about my
• 0:12
  idea from what I have observed in clinical practice for many
• 0:16
  years. That men need to love their
• 0:18
  wives as much as their wives love the kids.
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  And this goes along with other PC topics.
• 0:24
  I have such as men need to think their wives are really hot for
• 0:27
  the marriage to work, etc. And like my whole blog and my
• 0:31
  whole, you know, podcast and everything that I But before we
• 0:36
  get into this topic, remember to subscribe, I recently.
• 0:41
  Did subscription-only episode about sacrifice within marriage
• 0:47
  and how much sacrifice is good. How much is unhealthy?
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  How to tell with the kind of sacrifice that you were thinking
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  about or that you are doing is healthy or unhealthy?
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  And whether overall we are too selfish or not selfish enough
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  and how your family of origin plays into that.
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  So a whole bunch of stuff and that episode, I I remember dogs.
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  I just did it. So it was a good one Dive Right
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  into that too. Okay, so back to the topic at
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  hand. So the way that I see
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  relationships, work the best when people have children, is
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  that the men treat the women, the same way, is the women treat
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  the kids. I've talked about this before
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  and I don't mean that he has to, you know, say oh, you're my
• 1:31
  little girl. Do you want a lollipop?
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  Obviously, I'm not taking anything loot.
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  It's what I'm saying is unconditional love.
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  So the woman loves the kid. Unconditionally, you see this
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  all the time. There's kids that are terrible
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  objectively and their mommy, still love them.
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  Right? And their dads.
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  Love them too. But it like it's not the same
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  thing like you've all everybody had seen and if you haven't then
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  you know that, I don't know, look around more or it's not the
• 1:59
  podcast episode for you. I'm cool with that.
• 2:03
  But from what I've seen and many many people people concur.
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  There is something about a mother's love.
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  That is really very unconditional and very, very
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  strong and self-sacrificial even more than the father frequently
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  because maybe biologically, you know, that I like evolutionary
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  explanations for things, women can have less children, then men
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  can have. So maybe they instinctively need
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  to give more time, attention resources, to everyone that they
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  carry in their body for, you know, over.
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  Nine months, whereas the man can spread his seed far and wide or
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  at least that's how we have been designed.
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  Either way, when I talk about this a lot in terms of what do
• 2:44
  women to think about and that women think about the kids more
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  than men, understand. I see this all the time.
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  I have. So few individual sessions with
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  men that are only about their kids.
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  I like, yeah, I have some but then they usually go back to
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  whatever. The topic at hand is, you know,
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  so like will be talking about their kids one time, but then
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  we'll go back to their wife. That will go to their job then.
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  Oh, go to their family of origin, then maybe we'll Circle
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  back to the kid, you know, or with women.
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  I have women that I talked about the kids in every session
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  frequently. I mean, and it's like a
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  touchstone, every time for at least a little bit of the time,
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  we talk about the kid and I have some people that come in just to
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  talk about their parenting. I've not really had that yet how
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  to mail come in. Unless it was a divorce
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  situation or a blended family or something, but just a man with
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  his own biological child. I've never really gotten one in.
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  That's like what I really want to do what I really want to
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  work. As being the best dad, I can be.
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  So every session is going to be about that.
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  No, but I get that with human women a lot.
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  So, and I don't think this is a unique experience to me as a
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  therapist. I think that that seem divided
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  would probably be present for everybody from what I understand
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  with my colleagues. So, anyhow, women think about
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  the kids more than men do. We're just going to take that as
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  a given and they think about them with more anxiety and with
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  more Obsession and the way that they think about the kids, this
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  unconditional Finally loving thing where they're like,
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  obsessed with the kids development and Welfare,
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  everything seems to go better when that's how the man feels
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  about the woman. So if he has in situations,
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  where the man is, like, really unconditionally loving toward
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  the woman and wants to set her up to succeed in every way
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  facilitate her life to be good watches out for her physical and
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  mental health. In terms of, you know, her sleep
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  and her, you know, not, you know, doing things.
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  Things that are too difficult for her to do such as if there's
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  a long drive. He's going to do more of the
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  long drive than she is and protect her physically mentally
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  emotionally, and whatever way he can including many times
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  allowing her to have a job that leads to self actualization.
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  Whereas he has the job, that makes more of the family's money
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  Etc. There are many ways in which men
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  who protect their wives in the ways that the women, protect the
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  kids end up in happier marriages.
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  And this of course a man who's able to do this.
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  By the way, had to have come from a loving family or he had
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  to do some internal self work in order to get to a place where he
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  can be unconditionally loving because if you're like, holy
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  shit, that doesn't sound like my husband at all.
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  That would be nice, but my husband is so selfish selfish
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  people were usually raised by selfish parents and they had to
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  talked about what kind of parenting makes him an
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  arrogance. I've written that in a post and
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  it's Their parenting where they were really, really coddled or
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  it's parenting where they had to totally be on their own.
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  So we had to develop this kind of persona where they're always
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  looking out for number one, because that was very adaptive
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  or it was taught to them fully literally where parents would
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  say you look out for you, you know, so either way, if your
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  husband is kind of too selfish to ever do this, then you got to
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  look back into his family of origin to understand it.
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  It's not just that he's an asshole.
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  Like that's not like a reason that wouldn't be what his
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  therapist would conclude, you know, if he were to go to one,
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  there would be family of origin issues there and you know,
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  whether or not you want to work on.
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  Those issues is is another story.
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  But for the men for the women that do recognize this, that
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  they feel like their husband does, try to put them first and
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  care about their needs, then it's good because that frees you
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  up to Worry about the children's needs, which is what many women
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  want to do when the children are very young.
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  So fried and I touched on this. I'm not a big Freudian, but he
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  felt that the man's role in the family was until from the age of
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  the baby was born until to the man basically facilitates.
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  The mother child died at he like protects and like supports them
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  and allows the mother and baby to bond as much as necessary.
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  Caesarean but then by about two, he kind of pulls the mother a
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  little bit back into the couple, you know, and I think this isn't
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  wrong, you know, I think that this makes sense by the time
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  that the child is a toddler. That's when a guy could start
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  saying, hey, let's get back to date nights.
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  Let's get back to doing things like that.
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  And if he has allowed the woman to be as close to the baby and
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  the toddler and really not allowed, but even facilitated
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  it, like made sure that she was able to be close to the baby and
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  to prioritize the baby in whatever way she Did then, she
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  will probably be good with kind of coming back into her own as a
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  woman, and as a member of a couple, but, of course not fully
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  because it's a baby still, like a two-year-old is still pretty
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  much a baby. So usually the woman is pretty
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  obsessed with the kids kind of linearly.
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  It decreases. Then she may get obsessed with
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  them. Again when they're teenagers,
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  especially if they are acting out or there's some sort of
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  issue, but when the kids Are out of the house, the women who felt
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  that they were able to be taken care of, and allowed to be
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  mothers in the fullest sense of whatever way they wanted to be.
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  They end up happier with their husbands and then focusing,
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  their attention back on the husband later on.
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  But how, what kinds of Love does this mean that you would need to
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  give to your wife? It's real similar.
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  If you want to know. This is a cheat sheet if you
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  want to know how your wife wants to.
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  Of check out how she acts toward the kids.
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  You know, that is 100% should be your guide post.
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  And if you're like, I don't want to be, you know, comparing that
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  we have an adult relationship. Well, I refer you back to all
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  that I've written on the role of re parenting at a subconscious
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  level. That is what people yearn for
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  within a deep and loving relationship is to receive what
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  they never receive growing up. Or if they were lucky enough to
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  have a slam-bang, awesome, wonderful childhood, then they
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  want to replicate some of that again with there.
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  Partner who acts as your partner, sometimes as your peer,
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  sometimes as your parent, sometimes and as your child
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  sometimes, and that's on a subconscious level.
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  Everybody both needs Comfort to give and receive in addition to
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  being an egalitarian partner. So, if you want to know on a
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  deep level, what your wife yearns for you to treat her
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  like, particularly when she's feeling vulnerable and in need
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  of respite and comfort, look how she treats the kids because
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  that's what she she's giving the Word of comfort and love that
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  she probably received as a child, or she may be creating it
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  from Whole cloth because she didn't receive enough of it as a
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  child. And therefore, this is what she
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  has hit on to be a good parent and to give unconditional love
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  in its deepest form. Whatever the hell, she does with
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  the child. So why don't we think about an
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  example, right? So if you have a three-year-old
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  and your wife is always Always prioritizing reading and bedtime
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  and this routine where your child feel secure and safe.
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  And you're like, oh my fucking god.
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  She's in that room for an hour and a half every night.
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  What in the hell, they're what I really should do is I should put
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  my foot down and I should say, we need couple time and you got
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  to like you shorten up bedtime routine.
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  Yeah. I mean, you could be a raging
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  asshole and do that, or you could think about why she may be
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  doing that likely, it's because she wants to give your child a
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  lot of love and comfort. And I'm big on the kids not
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  sleeping in the bed and like having their own space and
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  whenever she's done after an hour and a half, she could come
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  out and be with you. That's cool.
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  But don't like interrupt her, like, special time if that's
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  what she really likes to do with the kid instead.
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  Learn from it and say, oh wow. This is the kind of love that my
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  wife really wants to. What does that mean that my wife
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  prioritises? She prioritizes quality time.
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  This is what it means to her to be fully love.
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  She's trying to make our child feel fully loved.
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  And she's trying to put herself in the child's position.
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  Meaning she's using herself as a template as anybody does when
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  they empathize. So what must my wife really?
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  Like, I guess she really want extended quality time, where we
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  do whatever she wants, because that's what she's doing with our
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  daughter or our son right now, the three-year-old I forget
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  whether I said, it was any gender or not in my
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  hypothetical. But either way, our
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  three-year-old is in the room. She is doing everything that
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  they want for an hour and a half, including lots of Special
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  Love and quality. Together.
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  I bet that, that is how my wife would like to be treated.
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  Well, I bet it is. And let's say that your wife is
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  somebody who is always, like, like your son is 17, but your
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  wife is the one who goes takes his car in to get an oil change
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  and make sure that he always has all of his finals written out on
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  the calendar and the main room and basically you think she
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  treats him like he's 5 years old, but what she's doing is act
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  of service. So what does this woman?
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  Wish that you would do for her probably the same thing probably
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  active service. Probably she wishes that
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  somebody put her dentist appointment on the damn
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  calendar. Instead of that.
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  You would not even know if she turned around and said to you by
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  the way, I haven't been to the dentist in 15 years.
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  You wouldn't be surprised because you don't even keep care
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  at all. She probably wishes that
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  somebody was looking out for her, in the way that she looks
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  out for the child. So this is a good cheat sheet.
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  So if you really want to see, I frequently say.
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  And I have a post about this. Would your husband act?
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  If he got all the physical affection, he wanted?
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  Well, how would you why fac though?
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  If she got to be loved in the way that she loves the kids, you
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  know, because this is probably her deepest desire and the way
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  that she transmits. Her deepest possible.
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  Love is however, she treats your children.
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  So if you were to then loved her in the way that she loves the
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  kids. Well, then you would be probably
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  a happier guy because she would be so happy.
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  P and secure with you and as the children grow, as all children
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  do and start spending more time with friends at school,
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  Sleepaway Camp, and eventually leaving your house.
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  She will turn to you more and more with appreciation and love
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  because you had been such a good guy, all of these years and I do
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  see that, you know, and I see it more anecdotally in the people
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  that I know that are not my clients, but I certainly don't
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  see it in couples clients because I don't see any truly
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  happy. I see.
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  Happier some less happy, but couples clients are always
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  struggling but I do see with individual clients.
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  And of course, in my general life that women who have felt
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  like they got a lot of support for all the years of mothering
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  are happy to begin. I retirement couple life and the
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  ones who feel like it was always an uphill battle for the years
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  that the children were small basically detach, you know,
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  because they've done, they're done, you know, it was always an
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  uphill battle. They felt that they were always
• 14:04
  parenting. You had to be there.
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  Number one thing, the guy was not giving them the support that
• 14:10
  they needed, really. And so, they're kind of out.
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  Now. There's another type of
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  situation, which I see more now than I ever did even in even
• 14:19
  across the only, the decade-plus that I've been in practice is
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  that there are men now who treat the kids better than they treat
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  the wife more than ever there was before because men are more
• 14:29
  involved overall. Now, this is not good.
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  It's great that they're involved.
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  Raw. But when the father is
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  continually putting the kids needs above the wife's needs,
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  this seems to not, not be a, you know, this order of operation
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  seems to get all messed up and the wife gets really resentful
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  and jealous of the kids and that does not allow her to be a good
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  mother, you know. So for example, I've written a
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  post about this came out recently, but like, in a
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  situation where the family is deciding where to go for lunch,
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  and the woman says, As I want to go for sushi, then and the kids
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  say we don't like sushi. It usually goes better for the
• 15:11
  couple and their four, the family overall, which remember
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  the children are orbiting around the strong parental unit.
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  So they need a happy marriage to look at if the dad is like, come
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  on guys. Let's go for sushi.
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  We want to make Mom happy, right?
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  Whereas I don't know a lot of men who are going to be like,
• 15:28
  no, fuck y'all. I don't care what you and the
• 15:30
  kids want. I want sushi, like I don't
• 15:32
  actually know a lot of guys will do that which speaks To the fact
• 15:35
  that men don't seem to care as much about what these these
• 15:39
  little things about where they eat or whatever.
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  But if they did, you know, it wouldn't turn into World War
• 15:46
  Three where he felt deeply emotionally abandoned.
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  If if the wife said, no, actually the kids want burgers,
• 15:53
  you think we could just get burgers women, take that stuff,
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  a lot harder, women want to be valued.
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  They want to be picked, you know, by the husband.
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  And I know that men want To be picked over the kids, but it
• 16:06
  doesn't seem like the same sort of dynamic.
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  In fact, men frequently brag to me about their wife, being
• 16:14
  totally committed to the kids and that's considered just
• 16:19
  uniformly, just a good thing. Unless of course, the wife is
• 16:23
  very mean and completely dismisses their needs.
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  When the kids aren't even around by which obviously, I mean the
• 16:30
  romantic and sexual needs. So the woman could like
• 16:32
  prostrate herself to the kids needs all day.
• 16:35
  Long, but if she at some point in that day is loving and kind
• 16:39
  and sweet to him. Even if it's just in bed at
• 16:43
  night, then that's going to be a happy man.
• 16:45
  Whereas if the woman is always trying to get her husband's
• 16:49
  attention, but he is just focusing on the kids only that
• 16:53
  is not going to be a happy marriage.
• 16:55
  There's like no end of day where he can make her happy by having
• 16:59
  sex with her at the end or by just being sweet at the end.
• 17:03
  Women really, really do not Like to be for the guy to pick the
• 17:08
  kids over them. And, you know, this is, I've
• 17:11
  said, many reasons why I think that this, this works out better
• 17:16
  evolutionarily because the woman is primed to be more focused on
• 17:20
  the kid. And so the man being in love so
• 17:24
  much with the wife, trying to meet her needs, freeing her up
• 17:27
  and making her feel secure, so that you could focus on the kids
• 17:31
  seems to go better than the inverse and, of course, if you
• 17:35
  Are in this sort of situation with a man who does allow you to
• 17:37
  do this and facilitates the family life in the way that you
• 17:41
  want. And is always helping and
• 17:44
  driving and doing and and is involved and allows you to be
• 17:48
  involved as much as you want with the kids, be appreciative
• 17:52
  and be loving and kind, and sweet.
• 17:55
  And also try when the children are not having some sort of
• 18:00
  major thing to then, focus on husband and many women do this.
• 18:04
  Instinctively when they feel loved and support it.
• 18:07
  If they don't, then this is, of course, what do I say?
• 18:10
  This is time for couples counseling.
• 18:12
  So if you feel like you're a guy and you really do put family
• 18:14
  first and you put her need to be with the kids first, and in
• 18:18
  fact, you are totally supportive of her being a stay-at-home
• 18:21
  parent or however, she manifests her desire to be a parent and
• 18:25
  bedtime can take 15 years. You don't really care, but she
• 18:28
  still turns to you with distaste and contempt.
• 18:32
  Will you have to take that, right?
• 18:33
  I mean, you should be going. Couples counseling and figuring
• 18:36
  that shit out. But with this podcast is meant
• 18:38
  to do is to be a wake-up call for guys, that are either
• 18:42
  putting the kids above the wife, which is not good or not.
• 18:45
  Understanding what it means like how important it is for the wife
• 18:50
  to be loved and cherished enough and secure enough that then she
• 18:55
  can focus turn her focus on to the on to the children in
• 19:00
  whatever way she thinks best fits their developmental stage.
• 19:04
  Which again is going to linearly decrease in the amount of
• 19:08
  attention needed. A baby needs full-time attention
• 19:11
  and 18 year old does not. So if your wife is like tracking
• 19:15
  your 18 year old constantly on the Life 360, app on the phone
• 19:20
  and is giving your 18 year old enough as much emotional and
• 19:24
  physical attention and time as she was when that child was a
• 19:27
  newborn when that young adult was a new board.
• 19:30
  Then that is also a problem and usually indicates a big anxiety
• 19:34
  issue in the And that could also be something discussed in
• 19:37
  couples counseling. So either way, no matter what's
• 19:41
  going on in your individual situation.
• 19:43
  Hopefully, this episode gave you a different way to conceptualize
• 19:48
  the balance of attention and love and connection between the
• 19:54
  husband, the wife and the kids. And also remember that cheat
• 19:57
  sheet, I want you to go do that. Now, is to think, what is a way
• 20:01
  that she loves the kids that I would never.
• 20:04
  Ever have thought to think that she wants it.
• 20:08
  So even a baby, even a baby. How does your wife spend the
• 20:12
  most time showing love for the baby?
• 20:15
  There's different people. It's your.
• 20:17
  The love language is always going to be different even for a
• 20:20
  baby. So there's people that will
• 20:22
  spend all day nursing and touching and cuddling the baby
• 20:26
  and a physical touch way. There's other people that are
• 20:29
  going to be putting on little, you know, Baby Einstein and
• 20:32
  mobile and saying, you know, the Gifts, you know that they bring
• 20:36
  for the baby or the most important thing, whatever she's
• 20:39
  doing for the kids, try to do more of it for her and see if it
• 20:42
  goes better. And if she seems deeply more
• 20:45
  satisfied, all right, and I will talk to everybody soon.
• 20:50
  And remember you could still always write an especially if
• 20:52
  you're a subscriber with podcast.
• 20:54
  Episode suggestions. Thanks guys.