Latest / The Daily Sarcast / April 13th, 2026: UFO's, A Blockade On The Strait And Eggs

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April 13th, 2026: UFO's, A Blockade On The Strait And Eggs · The Daily Sarcast

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  Today's episode is brought to you by Mothers, the only person you will simultaneously
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  avoid and feel morally obligated to report everything in your life to at the same time.
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  Is this Burning Man? What's going on? This is weird.
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  Sabrina Carpenter this past weekend at Coachella while she was performing,
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  while everyone was yodeling and she was very confused by it.
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  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and
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  maybe a laugh. I'm Lindsay Vernick and today's April 12th, 2026.
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  I have very, very exciting news. One of my best friends, Hannah,
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  got engaged this past weekend and I'm so excited and I'm not mad at all at her
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  boyfriend, now fiance, for not telling me even though I literally saw him last week.
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  But this isn't about me. This is about Hannah and I'm so, so excited for her.
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  Her boyfriend, now fiance, Paul, is literally one of the best guys that I know.
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  I want a guy just like him, but obviously a Jewish version.
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  But I literally could not be happier for the two of them, and I'm so excited
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  for the next year of celebrating Hannah.
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  In real news, okay, not to bring it back down, this weekend there was a really
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  big tragedy in Haiti's most famous landmark, Cédate-la-Ferrière,
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  where at least 30 people died in a crowd stampede.
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  The event was by a social media personality, Sebastian Joseph,
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  who had helped organize a gathering there.
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  And here's the part that is very 2026. It wasn't violence and it wasn't anything intentional either.
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  It was just because there were too many people, one entrance, and rain.
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  Authorities say when it started raining, people tried to leave while others
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  were still trying to get in. And that's when it all turned into chaos.
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  And this is the thing about crowds that no one likes to think about.
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  They're fine until they're not. There's no warning announcement like,
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  hey guys, let's form a line. It just flips. Like, one second,
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  it's just a ton of people, and the next second, everyone panics and you don't know what's going on.
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  Officials are investigating what went wrong, but early reports point to what feels pretty obvious.
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  There was only one main access point managing a massive crowd.
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  And to be clear, this isn't about blaming people for showing up or not being organized.
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  It's just about what happens when infrastructure doesn't match the moment.
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  Sorry to kick off your morning with bad news, but there were no truckloads of
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  tofu dumped this week to report on.
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  Melania Trump made a rare public statement denying any connection to Jeffrey
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  Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, and then immediately said Congress should hold
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  public hearings for survivors.
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  It felt like a dinner where this one person doesn't talk the entire time,
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  and then right as everyone is leaving,
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  someone suddenly joins the conversation, as if they've been leading it all night,
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  and literally talks about things that should happen when they literally are already dead.
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  Melania says any rumors about her are fake. I mean, of course.
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  And that she barely knew Epstein, and that one email floating around was just
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  casual correspondence.
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  Like when you email someone who later becomes the center of one of the darkest
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  scandals in modern history, and you're like, hey, hope Palm Beach was fun.
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  Yeah, I mean, that's totally normal.
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  But the real twist is her suggestion that we should bring survivors in to testify
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  publicly under oath in front of Congress.
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  Which sounds like a really nice thing for her to suggest, right
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  until you remember they already testified a
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  lot and some of them are like yeah so
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  we did our part maybe you could try i don't know remembering that
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  so now we're in this weird place where she's like let's revisit it and survivors
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  are like can we not make this a sequel like we want to move on and at this point
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  the epstein situation isn't even breaking news it's just periodically re-release
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  content like a movie no one asked for a sequel to but somehow it keeps getting one anyway.
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  So this is a weird one.
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  Casey Musgraves says she may have been followed by UFOs while flying from Fort Worth to Nashville.
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  Yeah, I did just say that. She says she looked out the window around 50,000
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  feet and saw orbs trailing the plane.
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  They were changing direction, forming triangle patterns, and occasionally blinking in and out.
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  She described them as orangish lights that got braider, changed size,
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  and followed the plane for about 45 minutes, which is already a long time to
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  be thinking, do I tell somebody about this or maybe did I drink too much?
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  She says even the pilots acknowledged seeing them too and apparently said this
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  is something they've seen before,
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  which is either reassuring or the most unsettling, yeah, we've noticed that
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  too, ever spoken in a cockpit because nothing calms a nervous flyer like,
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  Oh yeah, we've seen the mysterious floating objects every night. Love that.
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  At this point, flying is basically turbulence, Wi-Fi that never works, and occasional UFOs.
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  Casey said the objects followed them from Arkansas to Nashville,
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  which is a pretty nice long time to follow someone.
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  And her general takeaway was essentially, yeah, this shit is weird, but I'm open to it.
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  I mean, that's the most celebrity response possible to potentially being followed by UFOs.
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  I mean, there's no fear or panic, just, you know, that was
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  interesting and look to be fair she's not the first person
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  to say they've seen something strange in the sky especially lately
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  with more public ufo talk floating around but there's
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  something uniquely unsettling about the idea that
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  the pilots are casually just like oh yeah ufos like
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  at what point does it stop being unidentified and start
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  being ifos identified flying objects because
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  if i'm on a plane and the pilots are laughing about orbs outside
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  the window I personally would like that flight diverted
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  immediately to literally anywhere else preferably earth
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  adjacent in Lindsay life I was back in New York this weekend and I went to my
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  favorite thing to do on Saturday mornings which is to go to the farmer's market
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  and as a normal reasonable everyday person you may think that going to the farmer's
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  market you could find the very best eggs however you are very very wrong.
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  I have a very strange obsession with the color of eggs. My roommate can vouch for this.
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  I mean, the brighter they are, the better they are, right?
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  So I love bright yellow eggs. It's not even like I eat eggs that much.
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  I just love bright yellow eggs.
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  Anyway, so I'm standing in line at the farmer's market for bread alone,
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  which is also the best bread in New York City.
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  Don't even get me started on that one. So I'm listening to the two people behind
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  me talk about, like, which stands you have to hit.
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  Like, the one woman was like, you got to go to that girl for the cheese.
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  And the guy was like, oh, no, you got to go to the Amish people over there for the eggs.
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  And I turn around and I said, do you guys want to know where to get the best
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  eggs? As if I were talking about drugs.
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  Don't go to the Amish guys. They're so expensive.
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  You want to go around the corner to the butcher on a Minnelli's on York.
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  They have eggs for, and I look around to see if anybody's listening, $4.50.
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  OK, and then I look around again to see if anybody's listening.
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  On Wednesdays, they're $1.50.
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  And they were like, oh my god, thank you so much for that tip.
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  And I was like, yeah, anytime.
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  Like, is it a sign that I'm growing up that I'm gossiping about where to get
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  the best eggs at farmer's markets?
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  And thing of the week this week is the I word, you know, Iran.
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  It's not like I really want to talk about this, and it's not like you really
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  want to hear about this, but it's kind of like that crazy person in your family
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  that's always doing something.
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  You don't want to have to deal with it, but you should be in the know.
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  So as you wake up on this beautiful Monday morning, the U.S.
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  Is preparing to begin a blockade of Iran, which is a very bold follow-up to
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  something that was just days ago called a ceasefire.
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  So here's what has happened so far. There was conflict, and then there was a ceasefire.
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  The markets relaxed, oil dropped, and everyone briefly believes in peace.
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  And now there's the blockade.
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  Stability is not on the menu.
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  This is all centered around the Strait of Hormuz, which carries about 20% of the world's oil supply.
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  So basically, this is not just a waterway. It's the world's most sensitive shipping lane.
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  Now, this is why the blockade is happening.
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  The U.S. was like, well, Iran was supposed to reopen the strait and stop restricting
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  passage and also, like, agree to de-escalating things and stop working on nuclear enrichment,
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  which is a part of the whole nuclear facility program, among a bunch of other things.
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  And in response, Iran said, absolutely not.
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  So then the U.S. is like, well, if diplomacy doesn't work, then let's enforce it.
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  So that's where the blockade comes in. It's basically pressure to force Iran
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  back to the table and reopen the waterway.
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  So in theory, this is not just escalation for escalation's sake,
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  for the first time, kind of. This is leverage.
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  It's also the fastest way to make oil traders lose their minds. And they did.
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  The moment talks collapsed and the blockade threat became real,
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  oil jumped back up over $100 a barrel, around $104 overnight,
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  after briefly dropping last week during what can only be described as a historically
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  brave moment of optimism.
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  That drop, by the way, was one of the biggest single-day declines ever.
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  So now we're officially in a market environment where hope creates record drops
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  and conflict creates immediate spikes.
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  It's very efficient, and it's very emotionally stable, too.
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  Oil is now up more than 50% since this all began, which is why gas prices are
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  no longer prices as much as daily mood swings printed on a sign at the pump.
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  And while all of this is happening, both sides are still saying that they're
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  open to diplomacy, which feels like when two people agree that they're not labeling
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  anything while actively arguing in real time.
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  Meanwhile, over the weekend, J.D. Vance flew to Pakistan for negotiations that
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  lasted more than 20 hours, and there was no deal after.
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  But the talks were called friendly because nothing says we're close to peace
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  like hours of negotiations and then no agreement.
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  And a press statement that basically says, great vibes though.
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  So now we have a blockade being prepped to force leverage on the strait,
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  and oil is reacting like crazy, and diplomacy is being described as friendly
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  while nothing is actually resolved.
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  Anyways, so good morning, and if you need to get gas, you should probably do
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  so now and before things get even more wild.
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  Cooking tip of the day. Hibachi grills make everything so much more delicious,
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  especially when there's a water gun full of sake involved.
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  Feedback, comments, questions, and nice Jewish boylicking for a date,
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  email me at lindsay at thedailysarchist.com.
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  And seriously, if you do have any feedback, comments, or questions on my little
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  thing about Iran, I would love to hear it.
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  But if you're going to be really mean, I don't want to hear it.
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  Okay, have a great day. Talk to you guys tomorrow.