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Stop Believing The Story; · Is Your Way In Your Way?

0:25
Cassandra: Out there to all of my listeners, and I'd like to welcome you to Is Your Way in Your Way podcast.
0:30
Cassandra: And for my new listeners, my name is Cassandra Crawley Mayo, and I'm your host.
0:36
Cassandra: I also named my podcast after my book.
0:41
Cassandra: And the name of my book is Is Your Way in Your Way?
0:45
Cassandra: And I am qualified, as many of you are aware, to write something like that because I'm in my way.
0:52
Cassandra: And that's why I wanted to have a podcast for individuals that are noticing that something in them needs to change.
1:02
Cassandra: They're like they're stuck.
1:04
Cassandra: They're like, um, you know, I don't, I know what I'm doing now.
1:09
Cassandra: It's not what I'm supposed to do, or there's always something else I wanted to do, but I just couldn't do it.
1:14
Cassandra: So I like to talk about topics related to personal improvement.
1:18
Cassandra: Um, also enable you to do some self-reflection, uh, inspire you to make a move, or perhaps it's an opportunity for you to pivot and say, you know what?
1:30
Cassandra: I think I'm gonna do this.
1:32
Cassandra: And I have a special guest on today.
1:35
Cassandra: And the title of this podcast is The Stories We Tell Ourselves and How They Keep Us Stuck.
1:43
Cassandra: Um, this podcast, and even my guest, I'm gonna introduce you to her in a second, centers on helping women recognize and interrupt those barriers so you can step into what I call your God-given potential and stop being in your own way.
2:01
Cassandra: So I'm gonna introduce you to Christina Ketchen.
2:05
Cassandra: Hello, Christina.
2:07
Cassandra: How are you today?
2:08
Christina: I'm very well.
2:09
Christina: So nice to be here.
2:11
Christina: How are you doing today?
2:12
Cassandra: Yeah, I like listen, that's before Christina, before we started this, we talked a little bit and found out that we have so many parallels.
2:22
Cassandra: We are focusing on the same thing.
2:25
Cassandra: We're both on a mission to make a difference, help everyone help you to get unstuck.
2:31
Cassandra: But what I like to do now, though, is I want to read her bio so you will understand what qualifies her to talk about what we're gonna talk about.
2:41
Cassandra: Christina is a certified life and relationship coach and heart math practitioner who has devoted more than 10,000 hours to helping people untangle the emotional patterns that keep them stuck, known for her raw, trauma-informed approach.
3:01
Cassandra: She blends neural science, emotional regulation, and lived wisdom, including surviving a 50-foot fall to guide individuals and couples towards self-love, resilience, and authentic connection.
3:18
Cassandra: Christina makes healing practical and accessible, meeting people exactly where they are.
3:25
Cassandra: Um also in reminding them that they are not broken, they're human, they're capable and worthy.
3:36
Cassandra: So um I'm I'm ready to kind of peel this onion because I can relate to many of the things that we're gonna talk about today.
3:45
Cassandra: And but before we take a deep dive and start peeling, Christina, what was life like for you prior to you becoming a certified life and relationship coach?
3:58
Cassandra: What was what was your backstory?
4:00
Cassandra: What was that all about?
4:01
Cassandra: Hmm.
4:04
Christina: Well, I before becoming a life coach, I was busy raising kids.
4:10
Christina: Uh-huh.
4:10
Christina: And also in a relationship that was inevitable, I knew it was inevitably going to the place I really didn't want it to go, which was the end.
4:23
Christina: And realized through that that I was living in a pattern of not good enough in my marriage, which which I found absolutely gobsmacking because I believed that I was I was a good human being.
4:46
Christina: I was definitely good enough.
4:49
Christina: And where on earth did this come from?
4:52
Cassandra: Yeah.
4:53
Christina: So it was the unpeeling of that, and at the same time deciding I really want to wake up and love what I do and serve.
5:02
Christina: And so I went back to school, and 10 years later, here I am doing what I love.
5:10
Christina: Okay.
5:11
Cassandra: Um, how did you know what you loved?
5:14
Cassandra: Like, like, you know, because one of the things you we we both talked about adversity and how adversity or our lived experience is where we get probably our deepest wisdom.
5:27
Cassandra: Um, how did you define how did you know what you loved?
5:33
Cassandra: Because a lot of people say, you know, my purpose is to do what I love.
5:39
Cassandra: And I say that because I tried to figure out what it was that I loved.
5:45
Cassandra: Um, so tell us how did you figure that out?
5:51
Christina: I hired a coach.
5:53
Christina: Okay.
5:55
Christina: And you know, hindsight is always so clear because I can look back on my years in this lifetime prior to becoming a coach and see very clearly that I was the kind of person that people would come to or go to for advice, for a shoulder, for support.
6:17
Cassandra: Right.
6:17
Christina: And so that's been in my that's in my DNA to serve, to help, to be kind, to have your back.
6:25
Christina: A champion of the underdog, I have been called a few times.
6:29
Christina: Oh, and yeah, so that's that's where that comes from.
6:36
Christina: Uh always being there and then working with a coach to uncover some questions and open some doors for me that I walked through and figure out that yeah, this is it, this is what I want to do.
6:47
Christina: And it makes so much sense.
6:51
Cassandra: Excellent.
6:52
Cassandra: So you definitely found value in having a coach.
6:55
Cassandra: 100%.
6:57
Cassandra: Yeah.
6:58
Cassandra: Right.
6:59
Cassandra: Okay.
6:59
Cassandra: Okay.
7:00
Cassandra: Because a lot of people, not a but many people will oppose to a coach, they may like, well, I think I need to have therapy.
7:09
Cassandra: You know, well, something's wrong with me.
7:11
Cassandra: Uh why not therapy?
7:14
Cassandra: And I'm not saying maybe you did have therapy.
7:17
Cassandra: Um, uh, but yet you were led to have a coach.
7:24
Cassandra: And I think that's a great thing because I think we all should have a coach or a transformational mentor.
7:31
Cassandra: Did you ever think of going to therapy?
7:34
Cassandra: Did you go to therapy?
7:36
Christina: Yes, I have done plenty of therapy.
7:39
Christina: Okay.
7:39
Christina: Yes.
7:40
Christina: It to me, that decision to figure out or the quest to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and and love what I do when I wake up every day.
7:49
Cassandra: Yeah.
7:50
Christina: To me, that was a conversation to have with a coach because that process is, you know, very positive and forward-thinking and goal-oriented.
7:59
Christina: And therapy's different.
8:01
Christina: And I happened to meet him and I had great energy with him, and that's super important, right?
8:08
Christina: If you have great energy with your coach and feel like you know, they're right there with you, that's a difference maker as well.
8:16
Cassandra: Okay.
8:17
Cassandra: Okay.
8:17
Cassandra: Let me um, okay, there are a couple of things that happened, and we talked about how the deepest wisdom comes from adversity and your lived experience.
8:28
Cassandra: So name two or three lessons that provided you with that deep wisdom besides your relationship not working.
8:38
Cassandra: What what what were some other things that occurred in your life?
8:42
Christina: Boy, oh boy, it's a big list.
8:45
Christina: When I put timeline out my life, it's like, wow, I've been through some, I've been through some bumps.
8:53
Christina: Okay.
8:53
Christina: You know, I think one of one of the biggest turning points for me was um losing a cousin at a young young age.
9:04
Christina: We were in our I was 18.
9:06
Christina: And it was this exposure to in the blink of an eye, everything can change.
9:17
Christina: And in the blink of an eye, we look back on our last moment with that person and wish we could change it.
9:24
Christina: Why are we living like that?
9:26
Cassandra: Right.
9:27
Christina: So that was a very profound moment.
9:30
Christina: And and in the muck of that, in the grief, in the tragedy, there's, you know, I looked at and said, There's there's gotta be something good to take away from this.
9:40
Christina: And you know, hey, within the muck, there's always a diamond, there's always a gem.
9:45
Cassandra: Yeah.
9:46
Cassandra: A diamond in the rock.
9:49
Christina: Yeah, and and that's taught me that, you know, I've had a few of those lessons and stories throughout my lifetime, and it continues to teach me that when I'm in the muck, when I'm feeling stuck, I know that the some sort of goodness is going to come out of this.
10:08
Christina: There's going to be a learning, an enlightening, a leveling up, a deeper understanding that's going to help me.
10:15
Christina: And carrying that piece of hope and faith while in the muck, I find that's that's been that's a helpful tool.
10:25
Cassandra: Right.
10:25
Cassandra: Because what else do you have?
10:27
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah.
10:28
Cassandra: And another thing you talked about how we it's not that we need to be fixed.
10:34
Cassandra: You said we need truth, some tools, and some emotional permission to feel what's real so we can choose something different.
11:04
Cassandra: What are some of those tools?
11:07
Cassandra: Um, and and and when you talk about truth, what what are those tools?
11:12
Cassandra: What are some of the truths that you've experienced even with your customers, your clients, that enabled them to choose something different?
11:23
Christina: You know, I refer to that we're in this current state, this epidemic of not enoughness.
11:30
Christina: And in all honesty, if we look back at historical self-help and growth, we see that, oh, actually, this has been around for a long time.
11:37
Christina: Yeah, it's not new.
11:39
Christina: And that's a very common theme with my clients.
11:43
Christina: And a tool that is a game-changing tool is when somebody is sharing, you know, why they're stuck or what they're stuck in, there always comes a moment where I can interject and say, is that true?
11:59
Christina: You know, do you know that to be absolutely true?
12:03
Christina: That tool, that question in our back pocket can can stop us from spinning down the rabbit hole, can actually shift our brain off out of the untruth and onto, okay, well, what do I know to be true?
12:18
Christina: And stop believing the untruth because the stuckness, as you know, in the stories, are so often untrue.
12:26
Cassandra: Right.
12:27
Cassandra: That's true, that's exactly right.
12:30
Cassandra: So it's like that question, ask yourself, is that true?
12:33
Cassandra: I'm not good enough.
12:34
Cassandra: Is that true?
12:35
Cassandra: Well, who told you you weren't good enough?
12:37
Cassandra: Yeah, that's great.
12:38
Cassandra: Um, yeah, go right ahead.
12:41
Christina: Yeah, that that goes, you know, it's it's easy to pose that question.
12:46
Christina: And before we can pose the question, we need to have some awareness around what we're listening to all day.
12:55
Cassandra: Right.
12:56
Cassandra: Right.
12:56
Christina: Yeah.
12:57
Christina: And that's when because we what it was with 93 or 92, whatever the number is, percent percentage of what we do throughout the day comes from our subconscious automatic thoughts.
13:10
Christina: Yes.
13:10
Christina: And we're never questioning them.
13:12
Christina: We just they're they're our truth, they're our story, and we need to hear what's going on in order to be able to then ask, hey, do I know that to be true?
13:25
Christina: So it's a very easy question and tools to have in your back pocket, but we need to hear what's going on first and foremost.
13:33
Christina: Yeah.
13:34
Cassandra: And what you do is you help them hear what's going on.
13:38
Cassandra: Right.
13:38
Christina: Yeah.
13:39
Christina: When we talk to somebody, we are we can start to hear ourselves too, right?
13:43
Christina: That's the essence of healing.
13:46
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah, that's true.
13:47
Cassandra: You know, you this resonated with me because I am uh a person who feels too much, overthink everything, exhausted by emotional whiplash and questioning.
14:05
Cassandra: Um when you talk to people with those uh characteristics, we can say, what's happening with them?
14:15
Cassandra: Why are they overthinking?
14:16
Cassandra: Why, why um like me, I'm you know, you give me something, I just think about it, and I'm like, okay, well, maybe blah, blah, blah.
14:26
Cassandra: What why individuals like that?
14:28
Cassandra: Now I know we all differ, but what are some things or denominators or key themes that you've seen with individuals that all that have those characteristics?
14:40
Christina: Well, again, I think it goes back to that point we just touched on, which is listening to the lie and the story, you know, and then we compound that with the language and words we use.
14:51
Christina: You know, I'm too much, I feel too much.
14:55
Christina: It it is that true?
14:57
Christina: Aren't you allowed to feel what you feel and not judge yourself for it?
15:02
Cassandra: Okay, okay, yeah.
15:05
Cassandra: Um, yeah, because I remember I used to teach um Sunday school, and it would take me all day to prepare because I'm overthinking it.
15:15
Cassandra: Like, okay, maybe I should say it like this, maybe, and my whole day is gone.
15:19
Cassandra: You know, I'm like, what so I'm I'm thinking back then is what I've done is good enough.
15:25
Cassandra: It's okay.
15:26
Cassandra: I'm not gonna know everything.
15:28
Cassandra: Um, I don't profess to know everything, and I realized doing that my my day, even when I started my podcast.
15:36
Cassandra: Okay, what am I gonna say?
15:38
Cassandra: How am I gonna say this?
15:39
Cassandra: You know, um overthinking, uh emotionally exhausted, you know, because a lot of time my physical is not as tired as my mental stability, you know.
15:51
Cassandra: So I'm just just overthinking.
15:53
Cassandra: Um, you talked about you, you you you talk about the heart math, the Gottman method.
16:02
Christina: What is that?
16:03
Christina: So two different things.
16:06
Christina: Uh-huh.
16:07
Christina: Um, heart math is, I don't know if you've heard of the Heart Math Institute.
16:12
Christina: I haven't.
16:12
Christina: So they have done a whole bunch of research and have a whole bunch of science behind the energetic field that our heart emits.
16:23
Christina: And it's why you walk into a room and you sense somebody's energy or that somebody's off.
16:30
Christina: Like we feel this.
16:31
Cassandra: That's right.
16:33
Christina: And so they they teach and talk a lot about the nervous system and its correlation to our heart rhythm and our breath, and therefore our thoughts.
16:46
Christina: So they have some practices that teach us how to what they call heart-focused breathing.
16:55
Christina: So we slow down our breath just a little bit and we deepen it just a little bit, and we breathe in that space while focusing the mind on the area of the heart and chest.
17:08
Christina: So that's doing two things.
17:10
Christina: That's calming us down and putting us opening the door to that parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calm, which is where we can reason, where we can right, breathe.
17:21
Christina: And it also takes the brain out of all of the thinking and doing and all the things if it's focusing on what does it feel like in my heart as I breathe in and out?
17:32
Christina: What does my chest feel like?
17:33
Christina: Just feeling it.
17:35
Christina: So, and they have more exercises than that one.
17:39
Christina: They have an app, it's brilliant.
17:40
Christina: I love it.
17:41
Christina: You can open up the app and you the heart math app, the picture on it is a little heart and a plus sign, and you put your finger on the back on the camera and it's give reading your heart rhythm, and it walks you through a two or three or five-minute breathing exercise that you set up to mirror your breath, and you watch how long it takes for you to get your heart into what they call coherence.
18:08
Christina: And coherence is where, okay, we can have a calm conversation, I can tune into and hear my intuition.
18:15
Christina: So it's it's a beautiful set of tools.
18:19
Christina: I've heart math is lovely, yes.
18:22
Christina: Right.
18:22
Cassandra: And that's H E A R T M A T H.
18:26
Cassandra: Correct.
18:27
Cassandra: Correct.
18:28
Cassandra: Right.
18:29
Cassandra: And you can get that at.
18:30
Cassandra: Um, so when's the best time?
18:33
Cassandra: You're like, okay, I'm overthinking, or like I said, overthinking, feeling too much.
18:39
Cassandra: Is that a time that I should check that app out?
18:42
Cassandra: Or what's a good time to check that app out?
18:45
Christina: Well, you know, if we're if we're talking about chronic, you know, every day, all day, I think too much.
18:51
Christina: Uh-huh.
18:51
Christina: I look at it and go, maybe there's space to look at creating a new baseline, which would mean I'm going to practice heart math for three minutes twice a day.
19:01
Christina: Right.
19:03
Christina: Let's start there.
19:04
Christina: Put it in my calendar and say I'm going to do this for 14 days.
19:08
Christina: Even though they say, even though they say the research says that it's 21 days to create a new habit.
19:13
Christina: But I look at the brain just like, okay, I'm just going to do this for five days.
19:17
Christina: And then you get to five days.
19:18
Christina: So I'm going to put another note in my calendar.
19:20
Christina: Right.
19:20
Christina: I like to put a note on my calendar that says, Hey, you've been doing this thing for 30 days.
19:25
Christina: How are you feeling?
19:26
Christina: Because it turns my brain off of worrying about, you know, how we sit and say, Oh, I've been doing this for two months.
19:32
Christina: And then if we really look at the data, we haven't been doing it for two months, right?
19:36
Christina: So it takes the brain off of that long-term goal and outcome and into just the daily task, which is just doing the thing every day.
19:46
Christina: Uh-huh.
19:47
Christina: I don't know why how we got there, but yeah.
19:50
Cassandra: Yeah.
19:50
Cassandra: Uh-huh.
19:51
Cassandra: That's good.
19:52
Cassandra: Just talking about when do you use the app, you know, when when's a good time to start using that app?
19:57
Cassandra: That's how yeah, that's how we got there.
19:59
Cassandra: So, what are six simple habits that's going to change your life?
20:05
Christina: Well, it's funny.
20:06
Christina: One came up for me today.
20:07
Christina: One of them is journaling.
20:10
Cassandra: Okay.
20:12
Christina: And if we are not talking to somebody to expose the thoughts, we can certainly express them on paper and ask if they're true.
20:23
Christina: Like, we need to process this stuff, we need to get these experiences out of our body.
20:28
Christina: Like, don't you agree?
20:31
Christina: Do you how's your take on that?
20:32
Christina: The storage.
20:35
Cassandra: Um, you know, I have I have journaled for years.
20:40
Cassandra: I mean, years, and I don't want to date myself.
20:44
Cassandra: And I've moved a lot.
20:47
Cassandra: Okay.
20:47
Cassandra: I remember moving seven times within seven years, literally moving from one state to another.
20:54
Cassandra: And one of the things that I grasp are my journals.
20:58
Cassandra: And I'm like, if anybody gets a hold to these journals, I don't know what they'll do.
21:04
Cassandra: They'll think this girl is crazy, you know.
21:06
Cassandra: So it's like they they are sacred to me.
21:10
Cassandra: I still have them, I take them everywhere.
21:12
Cassandra: And then there are times where I'll look back years and I'm like, wow, I was out of my mind.
21:19
Cassandra: You know, just thinking about where I used to be.
21:22
Cassandra: And I'm like, this is some crazy stuff.
21:25
Cassandra: But journaling helps me.
21:27
Cassandra: And I used to do it daily.
21:29
Cassandra: I don't do it as much now.
21:31
Cassandra: Um, but I I still do it.
21:34
Cassandra: So that's one habit that has changed my life, particularly when I look back on it and see how far I've come.
21:45
Cassandra: So, yeah, to answer your question.
21:47
Cassandra: So, what are some other habits then besides journaling?
21:51
Christina: The hard focused breathing, the journaling, um, the asking if I know this to be true, so it's instrumental.
22:01
Cassandra: Uh-huh.
22:02
Christina: And I also love a good gratitude practice.
22:07
Christina: Okay.
22:07
Christina: Yeah.
22:09
Christina: Okay.
22:10
Cassandra: And whatever that those six simple habits, you have to be consistent.
22:18
Christina: Yes.
22:18
Christina: And you know, I this work, the work of getting to a place where we have embodied self-love.
22:26
Christina: It's not a one and done.
22:29
Christina: And it's not a okay, I need to pick up these six habits.
22:32
Christina: It's one thing at a time, okay, one moment at a time.
22:36
Cassandra: Okay.
22:36
Christina: Try again, fumble, two steps back, start again.
22:40
Christina: Like it's a process that requires a level of tenderness that we often.
22:46
Christina: Often don't give ourselves.
22:47
Christina: And it it does take time and it is doable.
22:52
Cassandra: Uh-huh.
22:52
Cassandra: Let's talk about um self-love.
22:57
Christina: What is that?
22:58
Christina: Self-love, yeah, it's a big one because it ha it has a bit of a wrap.
23:06
Christina: It's like, no, it's not just about having a bubble bath and you know taking a time out.
23:11
Cassandra: Right.
23:11
Christina: Self-love for me, my definition of self-love or the meaning of it is that when we can show up and not question or spin on things that happen in our life, which means to me that we hear our thoughts, and our thoughts are our biggest fan.
23:34
Christina: Our thoughts are not judgment or criticism.
23:39
Christina: Right?
23:41
Christina: It's the foundation of self-love is the words that we use in our head, which we've touched on earlier.
23:50
Christina: It it's it always comes back to that.
23:52
Christina: You know, we often people say we say things, it's like, whoa, would you ever say that to your best friend or even a stranger?
24:00
Cassandra: Right.
24:00
Cassandra: Right.
24:01
Cassandra: Yeah.
24:02
Cassandra: Because you I you also said there's a misunderstanding about it, about self-love or or emotional healing that you love to debunk.
24:13
Cassandra: Um, and you also said the patterns that we have is something that's trying to protect us.
24:19
Cassandra: Right.
24:21
Cassandra: Okay.
24:22
Cassandra: Um, and I'm I'm very curious about this question because I remember I've I've gone to therapy, I don't know how many times out of my life, and therapy was good for me for the times that I had gone.
24:34
Cassandra: Um one of them asked me, did I love myself?
24:38
Cassandra: And she says, I don't I don't think you do.
24:40
Cassandra: And I was like, Really?
24:41
Cassandra: What does that mean?
24:43
Cassandra: Do I love myself?
24:45
Cassandra: You know, so by you talking about um, it's not just the bubble baths and the vacations and the nails and the toes, it's really about the thought process.
24:57
Cassandra: You know, I am not good enough.
25:02
Cassandra: Is that loving yourself, doubting yourself, you know, criticizing yourself, judging yourself?
25:10
Cassandra: Um, you know, so that's why I wanted my listeners to get an understanding of self-love.
25:19
Cassandra: And if they do love themselves, what will come out of that if they're practicing and demonstrating the simplifying self-love?
25:29
Cassandra: What comes from that?
25:31
Christina: Well, I think there are many pieces here, but one of the pieces when I talk about self-love or that I've learned is the word intention.
25:40
Christina: And if we are in line with our intention, our intention in a conversation that we're about to have, our intention with making a certain decision.
25:52
Christina: When we're in line with that intention, we walk away from the moment with less self-doubt.
25:59
Christina: There's so much self-doubt.
26:01
Christina: Did I say the wrong thing?
26:02
Christina: Was that myself that I caught it's we can look at it and go, no, I'm going into this conversation.
26:08
Christina: This is my intention with the conversation.
26:10
Christina: And when we're in line with that, maybe that's through journaling, right?
26:15
Christina: You prepare for that conversation and you're feeling it out and getting in line with what is important to you.
26:22
Christina: That can take away a whole lot of self-doubt and a whole lot build up confidence essentially when we go in knowing what what is true for us, what is important to us in any given moment.
26:35
Christina: And I also think that there's a circle back piece to self-love, which is we are going to be activated, we are going to be triggered.
26:44
Christina: Patterns have such long legs.
26:47
Christina: And it's about noticing it and coming back and going, okay, I can circle back to that to with that person, to that conversation.
26:54
Christina: I can take a look at why self-love would be taking a look at why I responded the way I responded or why this feels so icky, and get an understanding of where it comes from, what it's telling us, what we've attached to it, and healing it through that exposure.
27:14
Cassandra: Right, right.
27:15
Cassandra: And what you're talking about to me is like self-discovery, and it's work, it's not a one in this, you know.
27:23
Cassandra: There's no easy button.
27:25
Cassandra: Oh, absolutely not.
27:26
Cassandra: You have to make up in your mind or make the decision, I'm gonna get better, or I'm gonna be healed, or I'm gonna love myself, you know.
27:36
Cassandra: Um, and that's why I want to ask you, how do you untangle those beliefs and those behaviors that keep us stuck?
27:45
Christina: I think there's a for me personally, I've had moments where I realize, oh, I learned this and I can see where I learned it.
27:56
Christina: Okay, so that means I didn't actually choose it, and now I can choose it.
28:04
Christina: What do I want it to look like?
28:11
Cassandra: Yeah, interesting.
28:12
Cassandra: That brings me to um I had a I was a guest on a podcast, and and the the question came up about my background, like being the first African-American female to do this job and to do that job.
28:32
Cassandra: And and, you know, and when I wore when I was in those positions, how I was treated or the behaviors that people um parlayed into me.
28:45
Cassandra: Just, you know, like one time I was a general manager of a hotel and the individual was angry about something.
28:52
Cassandra: They wanted to see the GM because that's the highest you can go in the hotel.
28:56
Cassandra: And when I walked out, she looked at me and said, Oh, no wonder the hotel is running like this.
29:03
Cassandra: And and then his question was to me, why do you think she said that?
29:10
Cassandra: I said, Well, she wasn't born like that.
29:13
Cassandra: She learned that from somebody in her background.
29:19
Cassandra: None of us are born like that, you know.
29:22
Cassandra: So, and for you to say what you said, you think about, think back on where did that come from?
29:28
Cassandra: You know, why, why, why did she say that to me?
29:32
Cassandra: Why are they stereotyping me?
29:34
Cassandra: Why?
29:35
Cassandra: You know, so I appreciate that and how you know, to get unstuck when you say to yourself, I'm not good enough, or or I can't write this book, or I can't start coaching, or I'm not good enough for this job.
29:50
Cassandra: Kind of think about where did that come from?
29:53
Cassandra: And that's why our title is the stories that we tell ourselves, how they keep us stuck, you know.
30:00
Cassandra: So I love what you said for when individuals are are are having those limiting beliefs that I call them, um, to start thinking about where where did that come from?
30:11
Cassandra: And then there's some things that you can't figure out, and that's when you get the help or the coaching or the therapy.
30:20
Cassandra: Um, so to me, that's a great um scenario of how you can how you can untangle things to help you get unstuck.
30:32
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah.
30:37
Christina: It is we can get unstuck.
30:40
Cassandra: Yeah, we we can.
30:41
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah.
30:42
Cassandra: Right.
30:43
Cassandra: If we want to.
30:44
Cassandra: That's the key.
30:45
Cassandra: Yeah, if we want to.
30:47
Cassandra: It's just like an alcoholic.
30:49
Cassandra: If you want to get sober, you can't.
30:52
Cassandra: Yeah, I can't do it for you.
30:54
Cassandra: That's just uh an example.
30:57
Cassandra: Yeah.
30:57
Cassandra: Um, you know, I want to talk about love again.
31:05
Cassandra: You said that love feels like walking on eggshells.
31:10
Cassandra: You remember that?
31:12
Christina: Like, what does why does love un unhealthy love is like walking on eggshells.
31:18
Cassandra: Unhealthy love.
31:20
Cassandra: Okay.
31:21
Cassandra: All right.
31:22
Cassandra: And so for someone to have unhealthy love, what does that look like?
31:32
Christina: Unhealthy love feels like we're not seen, we're not heard.
31:40
Christina: We're not safe.
31:44
Christina: Eggshells can, you know, fundamentally that's what that is about.
31:49
Christina: Unhealthy love can look like disregard for your emotions.
31:54
Christina: You know, people talk about there's the gaslighting piece, right?
31:58
Christina: The lack of we'll just tuck that one aside and just speak to a lack of accountability, defensiveness, avoidance.
32:12
Cassandra: Okay, okay.
32:13
Cassandra: Now let's turn that around and talk about what's love.
32:19
Christina: Feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling safe.
32:22
Christina: Um the ability to be ourselves, to just be ourselves and feel loved for that.
32:37
Christina: It's one of the misses in dating, right?
32:40
Christina: We turn on our shiny self when we start dating somebody.
32:43
Christina: Yeah.
32:43
Christina: And really what I want to see, like when I was in that position, I'm like, no, I want to see the real you.
32:50
Christina: I'm showing you the real me because I can be as my quirky, silly, whatever self because I want you to fall in love with who I really am.
33:00
Christina: And vice versa.
33:03
Christina: And we don't do that, yeah.
33:05
Cassandra: Right, right.
33:06
Cassandra: And when you're in that unhealthy love, as you indicated, that can get you stuck because of that.
33:16
Cassandra: May have been a pattern that you've been in for a while.
33:19
Cassandra: Unhealthiness.
33:21
Christina: Well, it's there's a high probability that you learned it.
33:26
Christina: So it's very familiar.
33:29
Christina: Right?
33:31
Christina: We choose, we very often choose what we know.
33:35
Christina: Even if even if what we what we've known and witnessed isn't good for us, we can we choose and are drawn to the people that have similar characteristics to our primary caregivers, whether it was good for us or not.
33:50
Cassandra: Right.
33:51
Christina: So the history, like you say, it's long.
33:55
Christina: Right.
33:56
Christina: Mm-hmm.
33:57
Cassandra: Mm-hmm.
33:57
Cassandra: So it's like you say, you're not broken, you're just repeating what you learned.
34:01
Cassandra: 100%.
34:03
Cassandra: Yeah.
34:03
Christina: What you learned, what was role modeled, what you were taught, what you picked up, what you, yeah.
34:08
Cassandra: Mm-hmm.
34:09
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah.
34:10
Cassandra: That's good.
34:11
Cassandra: Um, because in one of the the chapters in my book is titled, um, um, your childhood has a lot to do with your adulthood.
34:23
Cassandra: And when you understand that and you go back to that and think about that, that awareness uh does a lot for you, you know, that I'm I'm aware where that came from.
34:37
Cassandra: But is that true?
34:39
Cassandra: As you indicate, it is that true.
34:41
Cassandra: Um, and and you talked about like a like people go through things and they think somebody should apologize to them.
34:51
Cassandra: Okay, um and you know, did some things to you growing up and they don't apologize.
35:00
Cassandra: How does a person heal?
35:04
Christina: The from what I have learned, the only the true way to healing is when we forgive the person who hurt us, and that's a real hard nugget when somebody has hurt you to sit in a space where you're like, Oh, I send them love and I forgive them.
35:27
Cassandra: Right.
35:28
Christina: And the only way that we can get to a place of forgiveness is via compassion.
35:37
Cassandra: Right.
35:37
Christina: And if we could sit with the person who hurt us as if we were two 12-year-old children, yeah.
35:45
Christina: And ask questions to understand what is it like to grow up in your house?
35:51
Christina: You know, are you seen?
35:52
Christina: Are you heard?
35:53
Christina: Are you loved?
35:53
Christina: Are you safe?
35:55
Christina: We would have this understanding of wow, now that I see that, I understand why you are the way you are.
36:03
Christina: This makes sense, this tracks.
36:06
Cassandra: Right.
36:06
Cassandra: And you're not saying forget it.
36:09
Cassandra: No, you can't forget it.
36:11
Cassandra: Right.
36:11
Cassandra: You just forgive.
36:14
Christina: Yeah.
36:14
Christina: Right.
36:14
Christina: And you know, that forgiveness piece is really there's another layer to it because there is the forgiving of the person who hurt us, but primarily it's the forgiveness of self, you know, and the letting go of the hope of what it we wanted it to be, what we thought it was, and the grieving of the hope around that, right?
36:37
Christina: Which is completely designed by self.
36:41
Cassandra: Yeah.
36:42
Christina: So that self-forgiveness piece is a is quite a big nugget to look back and go, Oh, uh, I can see I contributed this, I fostered this, I chose this.
36:56
Cassandra: Right.
36:57
Christina: We're like, what?
36:57
Christina: I didn't choose this.
36:58
Christina: I didn't you get where I'm going with that.
37:01
Christina: Yeah, yeah, that's right.
37:02
Cassandra: Yeah.
37:03
Cassandra: Uh Christina, your your um experience and uh in the work that you do, I can attest that there are a lot of listeners that have gleamed from this conversation because it's kind of like the title of my book, Is Your Way in Your Way?
37:32
Cassandra: You know, it's kind of like, and we shared earlier when I said it took me forever to write a book.
37:38
Cassandra: And I've realized that I was in my way because I'm like, I can't write a book.
37:43
Cassandra: What am I gonna say?
37:43
Cassandra: What are people gonna think?
37:45
Cassandra: I don't want them to know my story.
37:47
Cassandra: On and on and on and on, and it was my thought process.
37:50
Cassandra: And it just like, I don't want them to know what I've been through, you know.
37:56
Cassandra: And then something says, Well, you don't have to put everything in there.
37:59
Cassandra: And I'm like, well, yeah, you know, so just overthinking, you know, playing that back and forth and back.
38:07
Cassandra: It took me a while, but when I finally did, it it was just the the gratitude that I did something, and I'm like, if I could do it, anybody could do it.
38:19
Cassandra: You know, it's like my listeners who are stuck.
38:21
Cassandra: They they're the things that they want to do, and they just they're just not um, they just can't do it.
38:29
Cassandra: And so this listening to you, the journaling, and who said that and where did that come from?
38:36
Cassandra: Um, I'm not broken, I'm just repeating what I've learned.
38:40
Cassandra: Um, I'm not a bad person.
38:43
Cassandra: Back in the day, that person that did that was bad, but that doesn't mean I was bad.
38:47
Cassandra: This is just my perspective.
38:49
Cassandra: So it's like a mindset, and I know that the information, the nuggets that you have shared is um for some, it's uh revolutionary because they're like okay, all right, okay.
39:06
Cassandra: So, what I'd like you to do is I know that you have um you do training, you do there's a video um that you did that I've really liked, and and I I started doing this and having done it in a while.
39:23
Cassandra: You know how you go to people and you say, How you doing?
39:26
Cassandra: I'm doing okay.
39:27
Cassandra: You know, um that's uh how do you get individual, how do you how do you engage with people?
39:37
Cassandra: How do you that's just that's just fluff to me, you know.
39:42
Cassandra: Well, how is your day going?
39:43
Cassandra: My day is going good.
39:44
Cassandra: Well, what what what in your day went really well for you?
39:48
Cassandra: You know, to kind of know I'm busy, it was busy, yeah, right.
39:52
Cassandra: So I wanted you to kind of talk about um you talked about a retreat you attended, and in that retreat, someone asked, How are you?
40:03
Cassandra: And and I think that was the question that someone asked that really resonated with you with that retreat, right?
40:15
Christina: Tell us a little bit about that.
40:17
Christina: It was how they started the retreat, uh-huh, and we were guided to not use the word fine, good, okay, and that when we were asked how we were, we needed to take a minute to tune in and share something more genuine and more accurate.
40:44
Christina: So it's really interesting.
40:48
Christina: Because again, as we touched on earlier, the way we function is through automatic, habitual, subconscious ways.
40:56
Christina: So when somebody says, Hey, how are you?
40:58
Christina: You're like, Good, how are you?
41:00
Christina: Do we like, are we really asking?
41:03
Christina: How are you?
41:04
Christina: You know, at the beginning of this episode, I said, How are you?
41:07
Christina: and we went straight into talking.
41:09
Christina: I never did hear how you were, but you you have this awareness, like I have this awareness around it now.
41:15
Christina: And I think that big piece comes to mindfulness, and people hear that word and can get a little um it has its stigmas to it, but I think what I like to refer to it as being present, right?
41:30
Christina: Like when you ask the person walking by on the beach or at the dog park, they say, Hey, how's your day?
41:38
Christina: Are you holding space for the answer?
41:43
Cassandra: Yeah, exactly.
41:44
Cassandra: Exactly.
41:45
Cassandra: Wow, Christina.
41:47
Cassandra: How can my listeners get in touch with you?
41:51
Cassandra: And I think you have uh a complimentary something on your website that they could could get in, talk about that.
42:00
Christina: Yeah.
42:01
Christina: So everything that I do can be found on my website, which is Christina Ketchen.com.
42:08
Christina: Ketchen is spelled just like Kitchen, but with an E.
42:12
Christina: Okay.
42:12
Christina: And I on my website I've put up um a training.
42:19
Christina: Uh and it's not insignificant.
42:21
Christina: I'm I'm quite crap proud of it.
42:22
Christina: I think it's a really nice piece of work and very applicable to what we've chatted about today.
42:26
Christina: So you can find it at Christina Ketchen.com slash masterclass.
42:32
Christina: And it is if you're feeling, if you're not liking the way you're responding to situations, or you're not liking the way you're feeling in situations, or you're wondering where you want to take your life.
42:46
Christina: Those are big topics.
42:48
Cassandra: Right.
42:49
Christina: So in this little masterclass that I've built, it gives an exercise, what I call dreamscaping, to actually shift some of that and it and it uses neuroscience and a and a specific process at a specific time of day for a specific amount of time to do that thing in order to see change because consistency is key.
43:10
Christina: So I have a podcast as well, and I write every week.
43:16
Christina: So that you can find all that on my website, and it links links people over to Substack where I live in that world as well.
43:25
Cassandra: That's wonderful.
43:26
Cassandra: That's wonderful.
43:28
Christina: Uh, what's next for you, Christina?
43:31
Christina: Hmm.
43:33
Christina: Well, I am working on finding a publisher for my book.
43:38
Christina: Okay.
43:38
Christina: So so many parallels.
43:41
Christina: Uh-huh.
43:42
Christina: And just shifting, shifting a little bit in regards to trying to reach more people.
43:48
Christina: I have this real, you know, I this it's this mix between I know that I this is my career and I get paid to do this at the same time.
44:00
Christina: It's so much lighter to walk through life loving who we are.
44:05
Christina: It's so much lighter.
44:08
Christina: Yeah.
44:09
Christina: Yes.
44:10
Christina: And that I'm I just want to share that.
44:14
Cassandra: Yeah.
44:15
Cassandra: Thanks for saying that.
44:16
Cassandra: Because when you're in your purpose, it's nothing like it.
44:20
Cassandra: And not that every day's gonna be a great day, but you're gonna have more great days than bad days.
44:24
Christina: That's right.
44:25
Christina: I had I had a moment, I woke up in a mo in a day today, and I'm like, I need something.
44:31
Christina: Okay, I have a lot of tools, so I grab my journal, right?
44:35
Christina: Right and help myself move through it.
44:38
Christina: Yeah, because yeah, we have our moments.
44:41
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah.
44:42
Cassandra: Well, again, Christina, thank you so much, my listener.
44:46
Cassandra: I know that you have gotten a lot of nuggets from Christina.
44:51
Cassandra: And I would ask you or charter you to listen to this podcast again and again, particularly for those who know that they want to be somewhere else.
45:04
Cassandra: They want to, they you know you want to take your life in a different direction.
45:10
Cassandra: And because you're not able to or you're stuck, listen to this.
45:14
Cassandra: I guarantee that it will start changing your pattern as you continue to listen to this podcast.
45:22
Cassandra: And with that said, like I always say, listeners, thank you so much for being here.
45:29
Cassandra: Thank you for listening.
45:30
Cassandra: Christina, thank you.
45:32
Cassandra: Thank you, thank you.
45:34
Cassandra: Um, I have learned a lot.
45:36
Cassandra: I went into this podcast like I do many of them to learn as well, because I definitely don't know it all.
45:43
Cassandra: And again, um, as I always say, bye for now.
45:47
Cassandra: God bless you, and I love you, and it's nothing you can do about it.
45:52
Cassandra: And again, Christina, thank you so much.
45:55
Christina: Thank you, Cassandra.
45:56
Christina: It's been a real pleasure chatting with you.