Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #250| Stop Saying Yes on Autopilot (Here's How)
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: Your brain has been wired over the years, maybe your whole life, to treat yes as the safe answer.
- 0:10Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:17Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:22Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences.
- 0:27Michelle Gauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
- 0:37Michelle Gauthier: Hi, friend.
- 0:38Michelle Gauthier: Thanks for joining today.
- 0:40Michelle Gauthier: You know that moment when someone asks you for something and your mouth says yes before your brain even had a chance to process it?
- 0:46Michelle Gauthier: Before your brain even had a chance to vote?
- 0:48Michelle Gauthier: When you listen to today's episode, you'll learn why women like us, overwhelmed, high-achieving women, say yes automatically when put on the spot.
- 0:57Michelle Gauthier: The deeper reason that that keeps happening, and it might surprise you what the answer is to that one, and how to build in that pause so that you can actually choose instead of automatically saying yes.
- 1:08Michelle Gauthier: Let's start first by naming what's actually happening when you get put on the spot.
- 1:13Michelle Gauthier: You've heard of fight or flight, I'm sure.
- 1:15Michelle Gauthier: Where your brain feels like it's backed into a corner.
- 1:18Michelle Gauthier: Either you run away or you fight.
- 1:22Michelle Gauthier: And there are actually two more in that category, and one is freeze, where you do nothing, and one is fawn, which is essentially people pleasing.
- 1:30Michelle Gauthier: You say yes as an effort to keep yourself safe.
- 1:33Michelle Gauthier: It doesn't mean you're weak or you don't know what you want.
- 1:36Michelle Gauthier: It's just that your brain has been wired over the years, maybe your whole life, to treat yes as the safe answer.
- 1:42Michelle Gauthier: So if you think about fawning from a very young age, saying yes was rewarded, being agreeable was rewarded, and people liked you, what made things go smoothly.
- 1:52Michelle Gauthier: And saying no, on the other hand, probably created discomfort or awkwardness or disappointment or conflict.
- 1:58Michelle Gauthier: So over time your brain learned that saying yes is safety and saying no is discomfort.
- 2:03Michelle Gauthier: And it's probably been running that program and on autopilot ever since.
- 2:07Michelle Gauthier: I'm sure you've done this yourself.
- 2:08Michelle Gauthier: I definitely have, but it could look like somebody who always volunteers to take on the extra project before she's even thought about whether she has the capacity or someone who agrees to cover a colleague's work while they're on vacation and feels vaguely resentful the entire time, even though technically she said yes.
- 2:26Michelle Gauthier: If that sounds familiar, the only thing to do here is recognize that it isn't a conscious choice that you're making.
- 2:32Michelle Gauthier: It's a reflex for you to fawn, aka be agreeable so that you don't have the chance to think, do I actually want to do this?
- 2:40Michelle Gauthier: So let's go one level deeper and think about why this is happening.
- 2:45Michelle Gauthier: I just recently read something.
- 2:46Michelle Gauthier: My sister-in-law sent it to me, and I thought it was so good.
- 2:49Michelle Gauthier: It kind of stopped me in my tracks.
- 2:51Michelle Gauthier: And it said, Many of us struggle to create boundaries because we do not feel worthy of comfort.
- 2:56Michelle Gauthier: It went on to say that we have to believe that we are deserving of consideration in order to advocate for it.
- 3:03Michelle Gauthier: That's what's happening for so many high-achieving women.
- 3:06Michelle Gauthier: It's not just that saying yes has always been rewarded.
- 3:09Michelle Gauthier: It's that on some level, she doesn't believe that her needs even belong in the room.
- 3:13Michelle Gauthier: She hasn't given herself permission to take up that space.
- 3:16Michelle Gauthier: And so here's what that can look like.
- 3:18Michelle Gauthier: One of my clients said, I feel guilty even thinking about saying no, like I don't have the right.
- 3:23Michelle Gauthier: And she wasn't being dramatic.
- 3:24Michelle Gauthier: She genuinely believed that other people's needs outweighed her own in all cases, almost by default.
- 3:31Michelle Gauthier: And if you think about it, most women have no problem advocating for their team at work or their kids.
- 3:37Michelle Gauthier: They'll go to bat for them without hesitation, but completely fall apart when they feel like they have to stick up for themselves.
- 3:43Michelle Gauthier: So I think there's probably a deeper pattern at play here.
- 3:47Michelle Gauthier: And until you start to believe that your comfort and your time and your needs belong in the room too, the fawn will keep winning.
- 3:54Michelle Gauthier: So here's the reframe I want you to take away from this discussion today.
- 3:58Michelle Gauthier: If you are fawning, as it's called, when someone is asking you a question and you feel like you automatically have to say yes to keep yourself safe.
- 4:06Michelle Gauthier: Don't think of it necessarily as a problem.
- 4:08Michelle Gauthier: Just think of it as a signal.
- 4:10Michelle Gauthier: The split second before that yes comes out is where you have the opportunity to pause and ask yourself if you actually want to do this or not.
- 4:21Michelle Gauthier: That split second of hesitation before the yes comes out could be your body already knowing the answer is no before your brain has even caught up.
- 4:28Michelle Gauthier: So treat that as information and see if you can build in that pause.
- 4:32Michelle Gauthier: I had a client who started noticing this fawning behavior as a cue to herself, like a clue of what was going on.
- 4:39Michelle Gauthier: And she started just saying, Let me check my calendar and get back to you.
- 4:42Michelle Gauthier: And for the first time, she felt like she was actually choosing instead of just reacting.
- 4:46Michelle Gauthier: And it felt like she finally had a second to breathe before answering.
- 4:51Michelle Gauthier: You might also have a physical signal.
- 4:53Michelle Gauthier: So for example, if your stomach drops when someone asks you for something, it might be your body's way of telling you that the answer is no.
- 5:00Michelle Gauthier: So see if there's a physical something that's happening in that moment.
- 5:04Michelle Gauthier: I've also challenged clients to practice pausing for 24 hours before responding to any non-urgent requests.
- 5:12Michelle Gauthier: And when that happens, people usually say yes far less.
- 5:15Michelle Gauthier: And not a single relationship falls apart from that.
- 5:18Michelle Gauthier: So here's what we covered today.
- 5:20Michelle Gauthier: That automatic yes you're saying isn't a character flaw.
- 5:23Michelle Gauthier: It's just a pattern your brain learned, fawning pattern, because it probably always felt safer to say yes.
- 5:29Michelle Gauthier: The deeper reason for that is maybe that you haven't embraced that your own needs even belong in the room and that it's okay to say no sometimes.
- 5:37Michelle Gauthier: Your comfort matters.
- 5:38Michelle Gauthier: You're deserving of consideration too.
- 5:41Michelle Gauthier: And that the moment right before you say yes could actually be a signal and it's a sign for you to pause, possibly by yourself some time, and think about what you really want to do.
- 5:53Michelle Gauthier: Don't forget, friend, you're allowed to take up space and your needs belong in every room you enter.
- 5:58Michelle Gauthier: If today's episode resonated with you and you want to understand more about what's driving your overwhelm, whether it's people pleasing, boundaries, time management, or something else entirely, take my free overwhelm quiz.
- 6:09Michelle Gauthier: It's on the homepage of my website, and we'll also link it in the show notes.
- 6:13Michelle Gauthier: It takes like two minutes and it gives you personalized tips to start feeling better right away.
- 6:18Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week.
- 6:20Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 6:26Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com.
- 6:32Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.