Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 100. When Sticking to Your Standards Feels Tough: Let’s Get Real 🩶

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100. When Sticking to Your Standards Feels Tough: Let’s Get Real 🩶 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apode Production. Welcome to the She Rises podcast. I'm Ashy
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self. Welcome back
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: to another episode of She Rises. I'm Tiana, I'm ash
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: and today's episode is gonna all be about talking about
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: your standards versus actually honoring your standards.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: This one is a powerful one. Tiana's gonna lead this
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: one because I actually suggested for her to bring this
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: into she Rises after a love note that you left
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: in your broadcast channel. When I listened to it, I
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: was like, Wow, you speak on that more. Everyone needs
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: to hear that, all right, Tea take it away.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: I think this is a huge topic because a lot
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: of the times there's so many people online offline, everyone's
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: talking about these really strong standards that they've got of
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: how they'll allow people to treat them what they will
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: and won't allow in their lives. But when it comes
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: to actually getting what they want or coming to crunch
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: when it's the really hard moments when you really like
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: that person or you're scared of the conflict, do you
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: actually uphold those standards? And I think this is a
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: topic that's not really spoken about a whole lot, but
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: is the reality for a lot of women, right because
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: we think about in relationships, why a lot of women
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: never end up getting what they want. They don't end
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: up getting the relationship they want, the behavior that they want,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: you know, being treated in a respectful way, receiving love
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: in the way that they deserve to have it. And
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: the reason being is because every time a standard is
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: not met, it's either swept under the rug, not spoken to,
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: not addressed, and you end up playing the cool girl. Yes,
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: And it's a really disempowering thing to do. And I
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: spoke about this in my broadcast channel because it was
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: actually something that I had faced literally a week ago.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: I was faced with a decision and a moment in
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: my life where a standard of mine wasn't met and
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: I had a decision to make of whether I continued
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: on with this person or if I said goodbye based
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: on what I was receiving from this person.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: That's really hard to do. It was really hard.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: You know, I feel like I want to give context
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: context do it? Okay, let's do it, or go on
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: the Jenney Guy's coming with me. So I was dating
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: this man very briefly, very very briefly. Amazing guy. I
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: think he's an incredible human get along so well. He
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: taught me so many things about how to be more
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: of myself and to feel accepted for all of who
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: I am and all of the things. However, after a
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: couple of weeks, he got to this point where I
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: started to notice, after he went away with his friends
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: that he started to pull away from me. And my
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: intuition was kind of like, oh, this is happening. And
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: I came into ash and I was like, oh, I
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: feel like a lot of distance at the moment. And
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: I wasn't making it wrong or you know, making it
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: a big deal, but I really noticed it started to
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: shift my energy about how I felt because I could
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: feel the separation for him, and prior to that, we
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: actually spent a fair bit of time together, like a
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: fair bit of time together in a short period of time.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: So it was very intense very quickly, and then it
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: was very separate after that, and a few things had
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: kind of happened, and there was a small situation where
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: I felt like my time wasn't respected, and so I
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: openly voiced that, and you know, obviously it was met
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: with what I believe was a little bit of a
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: justification and didn't really take accountability or responsibility for what
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: I was voicing and asking for. And I feel like
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: I did it in a really beautiful way. But it
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: was just the only thing was it was firm right.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: It was just it was clear, it was honest, It
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: was vulnerable because I shared my feelings, but it was
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: also firm of like this is what I would like
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: and what I request next time. Yes, And that conversation
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: kind of trickled into, you know, a bigger conversation around
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: this man had pulled away from me because he felt
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: that he wasn't sure if he was able to meet
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: my standards of what I hold in a relationship, and
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: he mentioned that he thought I wasn't very adaptable in
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: my standards because I came into the relationship saying that
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: I prefer my partner to not be a drinker. I
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: prefer my partner to not be doing drugs, and those
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: were the standards that I had for relationships and I
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: have for a really long time.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: If you haven't listened to the episode about our non
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: negotiables in relationships, it's very relatable to this. So make
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: sure you go back and listen to that and this
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: because it ties in. It makes so much Yes.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: And so we had this conversation and he mentioned a
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: few different things, and then we got onto the topic
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: and conversation around how he felt like my emotional maturity
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: was intimidating to him, and he felt like he wasn't
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: sure if he could live up to the expectations that
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: I had for a partner. And whilst I really appreciate
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: the honesty in all of this, the conversation led to
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: a really confusing place. It was very much like, you know,
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: while I don't think that I can honor the standards
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: you want in a partner and I don't know if
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: I can be that man for you, I also don't
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: want to end things. And immediately for me that was like,
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: oh my god, I've seen this before, I've been here before.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: This is a huge red flag for me. Immediately, I
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: was like, this is it. This is where we end things.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: And so in that conversation. Once he shared all of
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: those things, I appreciated everything that we spoke about and
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: then said to him, I genuinely think that we should
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: end things here. And that was when he kind of
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: started to backtrack and was like, oh, but no, this
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: isn't what I wanted from the conversation. I really like
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: you can we just like slow things down a little
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: bit and all that sort of stuff. And granted, I
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: get the whole wanting to slow things down, like it
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: can be challenging to integrate a new person into your life.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: You're already feeling that as well.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: I was feeling it as well. However, to me, all
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: of the things that he had shared with me and
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: also in his own words, was that he wasn't ready
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: for a relationship or wasn't ready to commit or pursue
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: someone in the way that I was desiring. And I
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: really appreciate the honesty, but to want to continue things
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: with me whilst being that energy is a hard no
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: for me because I've experienced having a man be confused
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: about me and I didn't have the self worth back
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: then to be able to say no and walk away.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: And it's just not something I'm going to do again,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: and from that you had a new level of standards
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: to it. That's right, that's right.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: And now this new level of my life requires me
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: to have stronger standards and truly honor what it is
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: that I want for myself. And it was this moment
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: that was like, Okay, I'm going to talk about the
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: standards that I do and that I teach my clients.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: Am I going to honor that? In my reality? One
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: thing to talk about it you actually follow through? Yeah,
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: are you going to practice what you preach? And for
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: me to teach all of these women about self worth
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: and then behind closed doors to not honor that, it's
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: just so incongruent. And I was like, holy shit, this
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: is one of those moments where I have to be
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: okay with potentially being seen as not adaptable, as being
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: seen as.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Too firm, too rigid.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: Who blah blah blah, too much requesting and wanting too
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: much strict, too strict, And it was like I was
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: okay with that in that moment because for me, what
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I was more focused on was honoring myself in that
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: moment and choosing myself whilst hard, whilst still sad, whilst
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: not really wanting.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: To whilstill wanting him that's right.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: And also whilst wanting to entertain going back, yeah, still
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: having to choose myself and say, no, I deserve more
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: than this. And this is why I wanted to bring
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: it into conversation is because if you don't and you're
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: not willing to set the standard in the beginning, you're
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: not going to get what you want from that person.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: And I think the conversation we've been having is that
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: you have to be willing to honor your standards because
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: nobody else is going to be able to do it
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: for you. And if you don't implement them and you're
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: not willing to voice them in the get go, that
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: person's never going to be able to meet you where
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: you want and you'll always feel disappointed.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Also, if you didn't honor yourself in that moment and
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: he's entertaining like I'm not I want to fully commit
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: to you, but I want you as well the whole.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: You can't have your cake and eat it too. But
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: if you weren't strong on your boundaries, you both would
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: have been playing in that gray area of like, what
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: is this? We're still entertaining it? Okay? It would have
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: fallen apart, you would have got more emotionally attached, but
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: it never would have really developed what you want and
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: been the relationship that you want. That's right, I've been settling, settling. Yeah,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: that's right.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: And this is I feel like the conversation is that
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: we want to have high standards, but when we're met
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: with somebody who is showing us that we have to
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: drop our standards. What are you doing in those moments?
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: What are you choosing in the moments where it feels
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: really hard? What are you choosing in the moments where
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: you really like someone but they're offering less than what
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: you're asking for. Do you go, oh, I might just
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: drop my standards my boundaries here just so that I
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: can have this and you experience love and connection and
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: be held and mess around for another twelve months without commitment,
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: or am I going to request from the get go
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: that my time be respected, that I am loved, valued,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: prioritized from the very beginning, and then if they like
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: this experience, say to you, Hey, I can't meet you there, beautiful,
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: let's walk away. I have so much respect to you.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: I think you're an incredible human, but I'm going to
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: go find it elsewhere. Because what I want is something
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: that I get to have. But you have to be
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: willing to say no to anything that doesn't fit what
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: you actually want for your life.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: It's hard. It's really hard. Hats off to you. It
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: can be really hard because.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: In those moments you want what you want in that moment.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Emotionally too, like if you're a much just someone drawing
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: being intimate with them or it's company. Yes, now post
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: all of that too, you've been sitting with the discomfort
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: of loneliness, and how I say on the sideline, I'm like,
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: good on you, but gosh, it must be difficult to
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: not go back and have a sleepover, yeah, and have
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: the cuddles and have the someone to text and entertain
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: and do all that stuff with. Like, I'm just in
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: such admiration for you for that. And I always say,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: like when Cala grows up, I can't wait for her
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: to go to Arnie Parta and Antie Makeby and have
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: these strong aunties around them who can show I will
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: be too, but show them what boundaries and standards are.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: And I hope my daughter can do exactly what you've done.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have had that strength. Yeah, even our hearing
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: you say that, like, I'm obviously in a very different
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: position to you. But if I was at a single again,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: I think I would find that really difficult because I
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: would blame myself for think, oh I am being too strict.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: Maybe if I just give it a go, like maybe
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I've cut it off too early, and did I go
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: back to being single? And all these stories would pop
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: up for me.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: The reality is like I was coming into you every
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: day with all of them emotions and the things that
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: are coming up for me, and I did question those things.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: These moments in time where someone is unable to give
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: you what you want and makes you feel like too much,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: you do immediately you like questioning yourself like am I
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: too strict?
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Is this too rigid? Should I ask for less? Yeah?
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Should I ask for less?
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: And you know, I think this is the conversation you
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: get to have with yourself and where you really have
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: to hold yourself accountable is do you want what you
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: say you want? And are you willing to uphold that standard?
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Because you uphold the standard in the moments when you're tempted,
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: not when everything is good, not when you're single and
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: no one's in your field and you're kind of living
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: your best life and you're confident, you feel good about yourself. Yeah,
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: it's in the moments where someone like cheated on.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: You and are you going to stay with them or
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: you're going to leave.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: It's in the moments where somebody disrespects you and tells
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: you to fuck off or do you leave?
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: It's right moments like that in everyday life where you
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: get to choose, Okay, am I going to hold myself
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: accountable to this standard or am I just going to
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: talk about it.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Before I Obviously I haven't done that in relationships that
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: I've done that in friendships, I'm like shrunk to fit
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: in because I'm too scared to lose them or too
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: scared to be alone, or too scared to be viewed
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: as asking too much. Yeah. Then when you have evidence
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: of like our friendship, it's like, oh, this is the standard,
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Like it gets to be this easy, all for anything less. Yeah.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: And it's actually helped me with because I find it
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: really hard to unplug from people, even if I know
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: it's not wrong. I'll do everything I can to try
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: and make it fit more friendships because I've been in
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: a relationship for so long, I'll do everything to make
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: sure it fits, EVENO, I know it's not right. But
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: now that I've had evidence not needed to be like that,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I'm like, this is a new standard. Yeah, I wouldn't
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: have anything less. Why would I? Yeah?
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: But anyway, it does make it easier to unplug, Hey,
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: so much easier, like let go of control and not
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: be so attached and be like, oh, I need to
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: cling onto this so much because you're like, but it
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: doesn't have to be that.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or I need to change or they need to change.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: What do I need to make this fit? Let's try this,
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: let's work this out like it's just not fitting. Yeah.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: And something that kind of happened in that conversation with
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: this man. He was like, oh, but you know, I
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: don't want you to not like me or not want
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: to stay with me because I do X y Z.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: And I said to him, I'm like, but that's how
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: we figure out if we're compatible or not. Like, you
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: come to me with your honesty about who you are
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: and what you like. I'll come to you with my
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: honesty about what I do and don't like, and then
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: we can see if this is compatible. But you have
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: to be honest from the get go. Otherwise you're just
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: lying to each other and then things come out later
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: and then you get disappointed because it's not the way
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: that you wanted it to be. And something that you
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: just said also is very relevant to me as well.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: Our friendship has helped me raise the standard in my
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: relationships too, because I'm like, if my best friend treats
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: me like this, you damn sure I've got to do
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: more than her.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Literally, I've seen videos if you talk about that, Hey,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: if man are going to do it, I'm going to
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: do it for you, honestly.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: And I feel that with us too, and it's so beautiful.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: But it's like she's.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: Said, a damn high standard. You can better meet that
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: or more why I should not be this is the
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: bare minimum?
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Now, this is the standard.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: It allowed me to let go too, And even though
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: it's sad and I don't want to let go on
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: unplug and all the things I'm like, no, like I
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: get to be loved in the way that I want,
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: that I crave, that I deserve, and that I also
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: have evidence.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: That I'm loved in yes, definitely.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: That has been so powerful for me because I'm like,
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: you know what, I love you send you off with
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: love and like, I'm.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: Good and you're so deserving of that. And it's so
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: cool to know that it's around the corner. But you
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to find that if you're settled.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: And you know what, always hasn't been like this either, No,
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: Like I have very much been the woman who little girl,
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: who lost herself, who molded herself, who felt like she
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: needed to abandon herself in every sense of the word
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: to make someone fit and a love story. It's demeaning,
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: Like it makes you feel so small and insignificant in yourself.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it makes you feel not worthy if you're
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: having all the great things that you want.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it makes you feel so unworthy.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: This is so inspiring for other women to hear, because
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: I reckon everyone can relate in some sense where this
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: shows up in their own life.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: And you know what came up for me as well,
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: I think will be relevant and beautiful for you guys
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: to listen to. In that moment where we had the
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: conversation around him not being able to meet me, I
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: felt in that moment that I wasn't being chosen, and
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: that's a core wound for me. A core wound for
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: me is like not feeling chosen. And in the past
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: I have fought and fought and fought tooth and nail.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: No, I don't know if that's head now.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: I don't even know what it is, but so hard
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: to be chosen by that person that I would go
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: above and beyond and chase and run and try to
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: whatever horset And in that moment I felt that desire
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: and I really wanted to entertain it and pull it,
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: and I did a slight little bit. I got reinforced
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: with that feeling. His response made me feel not chosen,
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: and I was like, this is my intuition telling me
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: that this isn't right. You need to listen to that,
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: set the standard and say no, walk away, save yourself
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: the pain, Tiana.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: And the more you do this, I'm guessing it will
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: be slightly easier to do each time. Do you think,
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I think so? Yeah.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Couse just be uncomfortable, oh for sure. But it's like
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: setting boundaries. In the beginning, it feels like the worst
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: thing in the world, But then after a while you
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: realize that it's actually good for you. Yeah, and you
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: realize that it creates connection as opposed to taking away connection.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: So this is like, okay, well, in the beginning it's
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: really hard to choose myself because I feel abandoned. And
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: then down the line, now even in this experience, it's like, well,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: choosing yourself actually means that you're prioritizing yourself and that
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: you're willing to lose other people if it means gaining yourself.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: Yes, and that's so you have to say no to
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: other people. That's right, that's so beautiful. Thank you for
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: sharing me so vulnerable.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: Tangent, my pleasure though you guys are here with me
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: on the journey now, so you start question.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: Isn't it we all do it? Hey? It's like anyone
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: can say the things, listen to the podcast, read the books,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: say I do this or I'm x y Z. But actually,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: when you're faced with the hard decisions and the hard situations,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: how do you show up then? Because that's actually where
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: you're at. Yeah, that's your truth, not what you're saying
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: about last week when things are good. That's the truth.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: That's so true, and you're triggered when you're faced with
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: the decision like are you actually going to meet yourself
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: where you said you are at? Yeah? So tough. It is.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: It's a hard one because you have to keep yourself
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: accountable and sometimes that's the hardest past is that for you?
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Hey? You know, I believe this happens.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: Allowing behavior that women don't like is because they don't
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: actually know what their standards are.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, how do you learn that? Hey? Where do you
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: get that from?
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: I think you learn it with every relationship. For me,
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: at least, every experience that I've had has been a blessing.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: Every relationship, every time that I've dated somebody or met someone,
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: someone's coming to my life, it has taught me either
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: what I do want or what I don't want. Yes,
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: And through their behavior and listening to how my body
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: responds when they do that behavior, I'm like, oh, that's
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: a no.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's a yes.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: Like my body said yes to this, my body said
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: fuck no to that.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: It's true. It's a good way to look at it
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: because I've only ever had three partners, but they've all
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: been so beautiful. So I think I just like, never
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: entertained anything less than what they gave me. Like my
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: first partner when I was younger, he just worshiped the
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: ground that I walked on. You treated me with so
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: much love, so with respect, like just thought I was
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: the bee's knees. You are the next one after that
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: same thing? Yeah, almost too much that it cked me. Oh, immature,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: but I was immature, but like they just loved me
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: so much. So anyone who didn't treat me like that,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: it was like, I want to take that, Yes, and
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: I love that. Why would I take that? Yeah? Why
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: would I? When I've seen what a man can give
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: and provide and love me in that way. Yeah, I
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: would only go for that or more and I did. Yeah,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: And you've had a good experience in that, But you
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: also got to have beautiful evidence of like, well why
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: would I want anything less?
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but you can see if you haven't had that,
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: like how you can say that, Oh wow, thank you
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: for showing me what I will not. Yeah, next time.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Absolutely I understand.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: And I've had like a couple of relationships, yeah, like
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: maybe like four relationships above a year. Yeah, and all
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: of them have taught me moments of that. I've had
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: some really good relationships actually, but then two not so
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: good ones, you know, So it's those were the ones
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: that I had to unlearn the Oh I need to
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: be chosen, and I need to face them and make
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: them love me. And if I just do better and
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: show up better, then they'll love me more.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: It was the I need to perform for this love. Yeah,
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: you know, And then I got beautiful evidence as well.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: On the other hand of men who never made me
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: feel like that, but they just like weren't for me. Yeah.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so much to learn a relationship.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Say, absolutely, they bring up everything they really do and
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: it's such a blessing. But it's uncomfortable. It's not what
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: you do when you feel good, it's how you behave
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: in the moments where things are really hard and they
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: When you're treated. How are you going to plan? How
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: are you going to show up for yourself? Yeah, that's
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: exactly right, and.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: I think it's important, Like I mentioned this in the beginning,
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: to own what you want from the get go when.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: You're meeting someone, and starting today, when you're meeting something,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: just own it from the get go.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: Don't be scared, because yes, the reality is you might
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: filter them out quickly if they're not for you, but
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: you'll also filter in the right ones fast.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: And then you waste six months on the long person. Yeah,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: and it's even harder to unplug because you've built an
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: emotional connection that's deeper. Yeah.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: If I had filtered things out and been honest from
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: the get go in my past relationships, they wouldn't have
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: made it past two months. And I've stayed in some
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: of them for like a year to three years.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: So it's just like, obviously you learn these things on
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: the journey, but when you can just be clear and
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: honest and unapologetic about what you want, trust me, people
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: will respect you for being open and honest.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: I also think it's such a gift for the way
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: that you communicate all of this, I assume and I
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: hope that they then take that into their next relationship
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: because they've been shown how to communicate, they've been shown
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: how to hold a boundary, they've been shown what kind
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: of standard they want in a relationship. They've been shown
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: this beautiful, open, feminine woman who can communicate so kindly. Yeah,
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: you know, I think it's such a beautiful gift that
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: you get to give them. Oh that's so nice. Yeah,
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: I never looked at it like that. I'm just like,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: you can't help but learn from your experiences. So I
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: hope they take that on and I hope that's the
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: new standard of women when they invite someone in that.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: That's like, that's how I want to be treated. I
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: want them to be able to communicate. So honestly, probably, Yeah,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: that's so cool.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: It's like, even for me and for them or anyone
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: who's on the receiving end of that, you're both learning
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: and growing together exactly right, and you always have your
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: takeaways for however it impacted you and the mark that
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: left on you.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: I think that's cool, so cool.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: So in summary on today's episode, don't worry about talking
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: about your standards, focus on honoring them, especially in the
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: hard moments. Set your standards from the beginning, get clear
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: on what they are, on what it is that you want,
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: and be unapologetic about it, and be ruthless in not
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: allowing behavior that is not for you. Be ruthless in
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: that hold the standard until you get what you want,
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: because again, you may lose people, but you will also
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: gain the right people you like drop only ever lose
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: the wrong people. So trust yourself, listen to yourself.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: Do yourself what you need, what you desire.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and just remember that you're allowed to want for
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: what you want, but no one's going to hold the
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: standard like you will, so be that for yourself.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: You're allowed to have high standards. This is your permission, slip.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: You're allowed to have high standards. Why would you deserve
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: anything less? Yeah, like if you have a daughter or
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: a sister or a friend, I but you have a
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: high I know, I have super high standards for my friends.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: I'm like, if they get with the man, they're not
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: treating her right. You've honestly helped me so much with that.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: I'm like no, I'm like, actually, what do you think.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: I'm like, you my honest opinion or do you have
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: me to wait?
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: Do you want support or do you want advice?
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Said? That's two in the car the other day. Yeah,
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: the last three I knew they weren't the one for you.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like all lovely men. Yeah. And I liked all
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: of them. Yeah, and got along with all of that
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: beautiful in their own way for sure, and like learned lots,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: but I just knew they were not going to be
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: able to meet you where you wanted to be met,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: and you deserve to be met. Yeah, It's it's just
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: a painful thing of watching on the sideline. That's not painful,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: but you know what I mean. I just like hate
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: watching you go through the sadness of it, but I
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: know it serves you and it's all a part of
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: your journey in the right time. Because I love love
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: you are a logo. I love sharing life with people.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: You do and you don't know until you try. Even
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: when you had hesitation to go on dates, I was like,
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: you have to. Yeah, you don't know you want to
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: meet the one, but how do you know that the
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: one until you meet them and get to know them,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: Like this is part of being single.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I just want to hang out with you
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: and Steve, I know, I just got Will.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he's going to come to the podcast soon. Actually
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: out on the couch last night and he kind of
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: volunteered himself.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: He did, didn't he I was like, what, like he
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: feeling okay?
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Steve, he's the opposite of me, super introverted, doesn't like attention.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: Were here. Yeah, hates being on camera. He's just more
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: private person and more quiet and I'm obviously not. But yeah,
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: he volunteered himself. We jumped on it. We did were
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: like before we booked him in. We even set a
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: date never he did. He's like, we'll take you to
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: this restaurant, we'll change the hotel. Yeah, perfect, done, So guys,
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: be prepared for that. It's gonna be fine. Deeve's coming
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: on the podcast. This has been requested for like ever
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: since I started. Yeah, wow, no doubt. He's such a
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: great person.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah he is.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: And he's fun. He's a good humor beg teddy bear.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: He is such a big teddy bear. But he's also
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: like super smart.
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's very very he's definitely an ideas man, that's
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: for sure.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: His idea. Then he's a follow through man. He'll research
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: and do whatever you can to make something work. He's
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: got a really cool story. Yeah. Oh my god, I'm
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: started to have you like always. Guys, thanks for joining us.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: Has a great episode thanks to you. I barely said
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: a word, so that's so fine.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: Love hearing probably love hearing myself talk.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Apparently I can't talk. I love it. Alrighty, we'll see
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: you on the next episode, guys. Hie