Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Top 10 Ways To Make Your Highly Sensitive Wife Want Sex A Lot More!

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Top 10 Ways To Make Your Highly Sensitive Wife Want Sex A Lot More! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:09
  This is the podcast. That's so many of my readers
• 0:14
  like 10. I guess over 7 years but hey
• 0:18
  it's a lot of readers ask me to make so that they could listen
• 0:22
  to my posts instead of read them.
• 0:25
  So if you want to hear me when you drive or you do housework or
• 0:29
  whatever else, then this is the podcast for you.
• 0:35
  So today what we are going to talk about is my post 10
• 0:40
  practical, no bullshit ways to help your highly sensitive wife
• 0:44
  wants sex a lot more. So this is a podcast that you
• 0:48
  can share with your husband if you are.
• 0:51
  In fact, a highly sensitive woman which comprises Ike.
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  I don't know, three quarters of my female readers, at least.
• 1:00
  So, anyway, I am a couple's counselor.
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  I also work with individuals but I work with couples a lot and a
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  lot of what we focus on is sex. Obviously, this is a major issue
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  in couples when sex isn't going well, it's hard for the marriage
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  to be going. Well, since highly sensitive,
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  women are so sensitive to so many things frequently, they can
• 1:25
  think that they are low libido or their husbands can think that
• 1:28
  they're low libido when they're really not.
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  They may even buy High libido but they may just never have
• 1:35
  been been touched the right way for them to know that they are
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  high libido, highly sensitive people.
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  There's actually a book by Elaine Aaron Aro, n called the
• 1:47
  highly sensitive person and you should read that.
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  If you're a highly sensitive person in addition to all the
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  things on my website, dr. Psych mom.
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  But anyway, if you're highly sensitive person, it's not just
• 1:58
  that your feelings get hurt easily.
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  That's a common misconception in reality, you are physically very
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  Sensitive to a lot of things. When you were a child, and you
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  may have children like this. If you're highly sensitive
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  because its genetic, and when you were a child, you probably
• 2:13
  didn't like scratchy clothing or labels.
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  You got startled easily. You may have been very scared by
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  movies that had a lot of Gore. You notice when things are
• 2:26
  different, you're able to pick up on other people's feelings.
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  All of that makes you a highly sensitive person.
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  Now in the bedroom, this man. Anna Fest a certain way, you can
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  be pickier with what you like, then the average woman.
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  So if you're combining this with no longer being in the honeymoon
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  stage, so you're in a long-term relationship during which sex
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  drive, especially for women drops precipitously and that's
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  biological. And a lot of my posts discuss
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  that you are going to be even pickier in the in the honeymoon
• 3:04
  stage. You are not As picky as you are
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  going to be later. In fact, you may not have been
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  picky at all, you may have had sex outside, you may have been
• 3:11
  able to orgasm very easily. May have had sex with the lights
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  on whatever. Now, in the context of a
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  long-term relationship after the first couple of years, really,
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  you may not be quite so easily aroused, but there are things
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  that your partner needs to be aware of that can facilitate
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  your sex life being better. So I'm going to go through some
• 3:35
  of Of the things that I wrote in this pose, and then I'll expand
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  on them because I have to fill the length of a podcast dies,
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  which is new for me. But anyhow, so starting with
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  number one, I write make the environment comfortable.
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  So for highly sensitive women being in a cold room or a windy
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  room if the fan is on or having the lights on and have it not
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  dark enough or having the the sheets or the bed isn't made.
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  Their should all over the room. It's just kind of a It's it's
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  just not going to work. Things have to be right for the
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  highly sensitive person. This is upsetting to their
• 4:15
  partner because the partner usually takes this as the, like,
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  representing that their wife doesn't really love them and
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  isn't really attracted to them. If, for example, they need the
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  bed to be made in the lights to be off some.
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  Men may even take this as a woman, doesn't want to look at
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  them when it Can't be further from the truth.
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  The highly sensitive. Well, I mean, first of all many
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  women don't like the man to look at them the woman because they
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  feel bad about their bodies, that's usually why women want
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  the light off. But when you're highly sensitive
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  on top of that you are over stimulated by visual cues.
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  So while a man looking at his naked partner, may be very
• 4:56
  turned on highly sensitive woman looking at her male partner or
• 5:00
  herself or the act of sex may be over stimulated to the point
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  that she cannot relax with. Taxation being for all women,
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  really a prerequisite to orgasm. So anyhow, you have to make the
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  environment comfortable. So, if this means that she
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  leaves her clothes on to start, which is actually my next point
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  because that also helps with, with the temperature control,
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  and with the overstimulation of being touched directly on
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  erogenous zones. But anyway, if you have to leave
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  her clothes on to start, you have to be under the blanket and
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  light has to be off and that makes her relaxed enough to
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  actually enjoy sex and things to build.
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  Build up to a much better experience overall.
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  Then what do you care? You know, insisting on the
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  lights being on maybe turning her off to the point that you're
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  not having sex at all. Nevermind good sex.
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  So anyhow. Next one was number to leave her
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  clothes on to start this is because in addition to making it
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  more comfortable, temperature wise, it's over stimulating for
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  highly sensitive women to be touched directly on their
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  erogenous zones. You know, you have to touch them
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  through their close. Only for them to even understand
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  that their body likes to be touched for them to kind of
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  toggle into that mode of arousal versus just The Daily Grind.
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  It's really important for highly sensitive women to kind of have
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  this switch, where they switch from one mode to another and a
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  mode of being a wife. And a mom is really not a sexy
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  mode being in bed with. You needs to be a completely
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  different environment. Anyhow.
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  Next number 3 is given massage. I write a lot about the
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  importance of massage and in relaxing women of course men,
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  like massage to. But what we're talking about
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  here is the idea of a person who cannot even Envision having sex,
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  because they are that stressed out turning into somebody who is
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  going to enjoy the experience. That's very different, most men
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  like massage, but if they were offered sex, they might pick
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  that instead or certainly they don't need the massage to get in
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  the mood. Although it's certainly a nice
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  thing to do for your partner, but either.
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  But anyway, back to the highly sensitive women.
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  If you give your wife a massage and she relaxes, and I mean like
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  a real 20-plus minute massage. She may turn into somebody who
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  is looking forward to sex and is turned on because they are so
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  relaxed. Men can have sex to relax but
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  women need to be relaxed in order to have sex.
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  We're in order to enjoy sex at least which is what you're going
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  for number four, get a white noise machine on a lock on On
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  your door. Some women tell me that their
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  door doesn't lock. They have small children.
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  A man may not think that this is a big deal, because when did how
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  often do the kids really get up? Anyhow, and you'll hear them
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  coming down the hall. What this means to your highly
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  sensitive wife is that during the entire encounter, she is
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  poised and fight or flight mode, ready to hear the children's
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  feet padding down the hall. This is not a woman who's going
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  to be able to enjoy sex, the white noise machine.
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  Also blocks out the, the feed padding down the hall and any
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  other It's noises. Do your pets, the cars, outside,
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  anything, what you're going for is for your home, rather your
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  bedroom to be a Haven and I get away for sex versus a place in
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  which she feels like a child care.
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  Robot that is not sexy for anybody and highly sensitive.
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  People are even more attuned to the modality that they're in.
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  They can't just switch again from childcare to sex goddess.
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  So you need to help number five. Expect that your sexual counters
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  encounters will last at least one hour.
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  This means that there has to be foreplay involved for a woman to
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  get in the mood. Usually, there's all sorts of
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  women but the women that usually want to go right to sex or not
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  the highly sensitive women or they may be, but they think that
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  but they just have kind of low expectations for sex overall
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  which I could get to in a subsequent episode is some
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  women. Don't really even know what they
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  wanted bet, but anyhow, For most highly sensitive women for plays
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  going to really be essential. So, if you're trying to have sex
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  at night, when your wife is dead tired, how is this going to
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  work? You're not going to have enough
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  time to make anything real happen.
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  You're certainly not going to get to where arousal builds and
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  mounts for your wife to the point that she has an orgasm and
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  enjoys the encounter and wants to do it again.
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  Which is of course the overarching theme is that you
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  want to make the encounter so good that she wants to do it
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  again frequently. So you got to leave enough time,
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  this may mean that you do it in the morning.
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  This may mean that you so many of us are telecommuting, right?
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  This may mean that you schedule it in the afternoon which is a
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  very popular time for women. They don't feel like they have
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  to get up and deal with the kids.
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  They don't feel like they have to fall right asleep
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  testosterone by the way Peaks at 6 a.m. and is at its lowest at 6
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  p.m. So when you are trying to have
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  sex around 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. your wife, may not even be able
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  to really get in the mood hormonal e at all the afternoon
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  seems like something that a lot of women like if you can't then
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  the morning is preferable to the night for many people better
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  exhausted at night, which includes your highly sensitive
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  wife. Smell nice is number six for
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  women who are highly sensitive. Hygiene is really big.
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  So all sorts of stimulation is just the the knob of intensity
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  is turned up. So if you didn't brush your
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  teeth since the morning and it's the evening, you know, you must
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  go do that. But if you want to have any sort
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  of a nice sexual encounter, some women like cologne some women,
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  just like the smell of soap. If you are scratchy, if your
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  beard is scratchy by 10 p.m. because you only, Caved in the
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  morning shave before you come to bed.
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  So many women will not say this stuff out, right?
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  They may not even think of it in the moment, but if presented
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  with a clean nice smelling, shaved person, they may be much
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  more sexually responsive the women that can articulate.
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  This to me frequently don't want to hurt their husbands Feelings
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  by mentioning how he smells or anything that they don't like
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  about his hygiene. But this is so remiss in the
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  long. I run because then they don't
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  have sex with their husbands which is their husbands
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  preference versus being told to brush their teeth generally,
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  okay? Number seven, work out.
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  I mean, this is good for everybody, everybody likes to
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  have a partner who's fit, but the highly sensitive women that
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  I work with. They really do not like weight
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  gain. I mean, this really goes into my
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  other posts about the on PC things that couples counselors
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  know. Most of the world are popular
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  media. Now, And for many years, it just
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  that men are more shallow, nothing could be further from
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  the truth, both partners and frequently women say, in my
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  sessions, more frequently that they want somebody who feels
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  good. They want a body that feels good
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  versus somebody who feels out of shape and flabby.
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  So if you can work out if you specially, if you used to be in
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  shape and that's what she was initially attracted to, it can't
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  really hurt to try to get back into that zone and see if it
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  works more. For her eighth is give a lot of
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  compliments, so for highly sensitive women.
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  They're super responsive to being told nice things.
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  They are very verbal, usually, and even if they are not, the
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  ones that approach you with lots of compliments, because many
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  women, feel shy and awkward, especially in bed, if we're
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  talking about compliments in bed, they may still like to hear
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  it. So she may want to be told that
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  she's beautiful that she has a beautiful body, whatever you
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  particularly like about her body.
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  You're a man that says, oh, I try to do that and she says, no
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  way. That's so gross.
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  All you comment on is my ass. Well then, think about it is all
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  you comment on her ass is that true?
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  If that's true then this isn't going to work, but within the
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  context of you saying, nice things on the regular commenting
• 13:09
  on her parenting, or what have you her, whatever she cooked you
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  for dinner. Whatever nice thing she just had
• 13:17
  recognized at work an accomplishment and then you say,
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  she As a nice asset may go over a lot differently.
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  Nine recognize that your wife likely has an exponentially
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  longer warmup period than you may think.
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  So this is goes back to the foreplay idea.
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  I write a highly sensitive. Women may have multiple orgasms
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  and even become responsive to your dirty talk, after an hour
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  of for plan, a back massage in a warm room, but she may seem like
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  a more prudish version of Queen Victoria if foreplay lasts.
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  Only 10 minutes on the thermostat is dial to cheap
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  bastard. I mean, Tree saver.
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  So listen if you if it is more important to you to have, you
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  know, a nice cool room which is the way that you like it versus
• 14:03
  to have sex and that is your choice.
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  But so many women want the warm room under the blankets, lots of
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  cuddling first, leave the clothes on to start.
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  I really can't overstate this. There's so many potentially good
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  sexual interludes that are short circuited because the woman is
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  physically uncomfortable It's so hard for a non highly sensitive,
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  man to understand this. First of all men have higher sex
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  drives than women biologically more testosterone, and they
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  certainly have higher sex drives in the non honeymoon, stage, IE
• 14:38
  in the later relationship in a long term relationship.
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  So they cannot understand how something as silly as feeling a
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  little bit uncomfortable, which short-circuits a woman's entire
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  arousal system yet. This is the He's a number 10, I
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  right? Send this to your wife and asked
• 14:56
  which apply to her. So a lot of men reading or now
• 15:01
  hearing me talk may think that this is some bullshit and really
• 15:05
  it's what their wife usually says which is usually you're not
• 15:09
  nice enough to me. If you were nicer than we would
• 15:11
  have more sex which is kind of a myth which I talked about a lot
• 15:14
  in my other posts. I mean you being nice is great
• 15:18
  but even when you are nice you may have noticed.
• 15:20
  Unfortunately that She still does not want to have sex with
• 15:23
  you and frequently. She doesn't know why when my job
• 15:27
  is in couples counseling and in any of the now, multiple media
• 15:32
  that I tell you things in is she doesn't really know why she
• 15:36
  doesn't want to have sex with you when you're being nice.
• 15:38
  Anyway, most women don't know that.
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  It's so dependent on these things like the time of the
• 15:44
  month, in terms of their hormonal, menstrual cycle, and
• 15:48
  their physiology, and the fact that women Strive decreases.
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  So immensely after the honeymoon stage, they don't know this.
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  They assume that if their sex drive is down, it's either
• 16:01
  because they're exhausted, which is somehow going to come back to
• 16:03
  that. You don't help enough in some
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  cases that is true in some cases, it's not or that you're
• 16:08
  just not romantic or nice enough.
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  Again, this may be true sometimes but there are plenty
• 16:15
  of men that I work with a. Try to be very nice and very
• 16:18
  romantic and help /. Do even more than the women do
• 16:23
  in the house and still the woman doesn't have a sex drive.
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  So what do you do in those cases in those cases the root is more
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  physiological which encapsulates you know both hormones and these
• 16:39
  more sensitive spots and and areas that women don't even know
• 16:45
  until they see it written out in this particular post.
• 16:49
  Many women wrote to me God I wish I would have That in one
• 16:52
  case a woman wrote before I got divorced which is tragic.
• 16:55
  But for my whole life because women they're not really Prime
• 17:00
  men think a lot about sex, right?
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  But women do not think that much about sex because during the day
• 17:05
  they don't think that much about sex men.
• 17:09
  Think about sex, I don't know. I read a statistic was at least
• 17:12
  once an hour a woman in a monogamous relationship may
• 17:16
  think about sex like once every two weeks when she's ovulating
• 17:20
  or the other time she Has sex with you, right?
• 17:23
  So they're not really thinking about gee, why do I feel more
• 17:26
  aroused at this time? And not at this time some women
• 17:29
  are some high libido. Women are and I don't want to
• 17:32
  minimize that in. At least a third of my cases,
• 17:35
  the woman has a higher libido than the man which has its own
• 17:39
  unique challenges and it's something that I can talk about
• 17:42
  on a subsequent episode, but in the majority of cases, the man
• 17:47
  has a higher libido than the woman, so he doesn't really And
• 17:52
  why she doesn't want to have sex.
• 17:54
  And he doesn't, he, he underestimates the importance of
• 18:00
  things as easy as brushing your teeth more, because the woman
• 18:04
  does not even know how much of a difference that would make
• 18:07
  herself. So that really covers some of
• 18:12
  the major things, practical things that you can try to help
• 18:18
  your highly sensitive wife wants sex more often and it may have
• 18:24
  the even better bonus effect a really increasing her enjoyment
• 18:30
  and her experience. So not only quantity but
• 18:35
  quality. Now if this podcast made sense
• 18:38
  to you from either their Of of the highly sensitive wife or the
• 18:43
  man who maybe is trying to understand why his sex life is
• 18:47
  in the toilet. Despite his wife, saying, she
• 18:49
  loves him, then share it. The best thing to do when you're
• 18:55
  trying to work on your marriage, not just your sex life is to
• 18:58
  find resources, like books podcasts and to talk about them
• 19:03
  together. There was some study that could
• 19:06
  put all of us couples counselors out of business.
• 19:08
  That said that watching A movie once a week about relationships
• 19:13
  and discussing it with your partner had like, oh, the
• 19:17
  equivalent effect of couples counseling.
• 19:20
  Now, I can't personally believe that that would be the same with
• 19:24
  my particular. Wonderful brand of couples
• 19:26
  counseling, but still, I mean, it's pretty interesting.
• 19:30
  I think, most people could benefit massively from just
• 19:34
  reading or watching something and sharing it with one another
• 19:37
  to promote perspective, taking and empathy.
• 19:40
  So, send this to your wife or your husband and asked to
• 19:43
  discuss it. Ask if they think anything is
• 19:45
  relevant, if you're shy to talk to your husband about sex, say,
• 19:50
  oh, you know what? A lot of this made sense to me.
• 19:52
  In fact, it would be awesome if you brushed your teeth more or
• 19:55
  we shut the light, or I kept my clothes on, or whatever, your
• 19:59
  husband, who wants to be having more sex is going to be, usually
• 20:04
  thrilled to hear any piece of Intel that could help his sex
• 20:08
  life with you. So if you like this podcast,
• 20:12
  this is my first foray into podcasting, but if you liked it,
• 20:16
  please let me know and suggest subsequent topics for me and
• 20:21
  share it widely and it was not that terrible to do.
• 20:26
  So I think I'm going to do some more of them, everybody have a
• 20:30
  great weekend and That's all folks.
• 20:33
  Bye.