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Navigating the Holidays with Trauma · Trauma Free Relationship

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I don't know if you're like me, but the holidays can be
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overwhelming. They can be really stressful at
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times. The cooking, the attending
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parties, the balancing work, the shopping, all the things that go
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into making the holidays a special time can really be a
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daunting task. So I thought it would be
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interesting if we took a look at how do we navigate the holidays
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with trauma. That's what we're going to talk
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about next. Welcome to Trauma Free
0:31
Relationship, a podcast that provides support and guidance to
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help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
0:42
current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
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scientifically informed information as well as the tools
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to help you create a secure connection between you and your
0:52
partner. And here's your host, Tom Philp.
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OK, let's dive in and let's talk about what the holidays look
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like if you have had trauma or are currently struggling with
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trauma. And I think this is an an
1:09
interesting subject. It's a little bit of a deviation
1:13
from what we would normally do, but an important one I think
1:15
none the less we've just here at least in North America rolled
1:19
out of Halloween. So it's now November 3rd at the
1:24
time of me recording this episode, and we are now moving
1:30
into the holiday season. The next for us would be
1:33
Thanksgiving at the end of November and then Christmas at
1:37
the end of November. And now I recognize that other
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people in other countries might have different holidays and they
1:44
might fall on different dates, but I I think this episode's
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still very applicable to whatever kind of holiday stress
1:50
you might feel. And So what I want to do is just
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kind of walk through what are some strategies that we can use
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to navigate the holidays when we have trauma.
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And the very first one I want to talk about is identifying your
2:05
triggers. This is really, really
2:07
important. And I talk a lot about triggers
2:10
on this podcast because often times people with trauma get
2:13
triggered and they don't recognize it.
2:16
And often, especially when I talk to them in my therapy
2:20
sessions or even just other people I know that I've had
2:23
trauma. It's hard for them often to
2:25
identify what those real triggers are.
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So I think it's really important for us to dive down and identify
2:32
what those triggers are physical triggers as well as emotional
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triggers. Now triggers by and large if we
2:41
were going to define that basically it's a hijacking of
2:45
your nervous system. It is something that has that
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has triggered your nervous system into fight or flight
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which you up regulate when that happens or potentially down
2:58
regulate into freeze or disassociation.
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And so it is, it is a trigger of something that disregulates your
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nervous system, it disregulates your feelings in that moment and
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it moves you from a place of calm, cool and collected to a
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place of emotional reactivity. Now there can be lots of
3:23
different kinds of triggers, especially around the holidays.
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It could be being around certain family members could be a
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trigger for you. Maybe there's folks that you
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love being around, but maybe there's also folks that that
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'cause you stress. Or there has been some ruptures
3:42
in relationships with certain family members and being around
3:45
them can be very tense. So it could be that family is a
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source of stress and and can be a trigger for you during the
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holidays. The loss of a loved one
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certainly can be a trigger for you.
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About 13 years ago, I lost my father just shortly after
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Thanksgiving. So there's not a Thanksgiving
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that goes by that that that memory doesn't come up for me.
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I can remember being in the hospital.
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I can remember some of the smells.
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I can remember his breathing. He had had an aneurysm in the
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left hemisphere, so essentially he was brain dead and we were
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more or less waiting for his body to expire and we had done a
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no resuscitate on him. But as his lungs were filling up
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with fluid he he's breathing could was gurgling.
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You could hear the fluid in his lungs gurgle And so I can
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remember that sound so not to creep anybody out here, but you
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get the idea. So there's there's not a
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Thanksgiving that comes around that to some degree I don't
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think about that and now it doesn't it doesn't cause a deep
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depression. But Thanksgiving for me can be a
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trigger because of those memories.
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Also being away from family, just not being near family.
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If you're deployed, if you're overseas, that can be really
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hard. Especially when you're longing
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for those wonderful memories that you have of being with
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family, being around the Thanksgiving or Christmas table,
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seeing the joy in your kids eyes as they open presents, that
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could certainly be a trigger for you as well.
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So just being away from family, more triggers that can come up
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physically as well as emotionally is feeling unwanted.
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Maybe you don't have somebody to spend the holidays with and so
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you end up spending most your time alone.
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That can be very triggering and and it can bring up feelings of
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being unwanted, unneeded and and it can settle into just a
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general sense of loneliness. So a lot of times people around
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the holidays, they don't always feel joyful.
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They feel a deep sense of loneliness because maybe they
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don't have the people in our lives to love on them, to
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celebrate with them, to break bread with them, these types of
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things that we normally associate with, with the
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holidays. So identifying these triggers
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and these are just a few, I'm sure you as listeners could come
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up with 100 more of your own that that are specific to you
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about what what happens during the holidays that can be a
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trigger for you and trigger some of that trauma that you hold in
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in your body. So these are just a few of them.
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But what's important to know is can we identify what those
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triggers are? And as you've heard me probably
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say on another podcast, there are four really important things
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to know when you get triggered. One, what is the physical
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trigger that's happening? Often times it might be a look
6:58
on your partner's face. It might be a tone of voice, It
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could be a anniversary of a loss of a loved one, or any of the
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other triggers that we just talked about.
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But what is the real vivid trigger that then brings up the
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emotion for you? And then, so number two of the
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four things you want to know is, what is that emotion?
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Is it a sense of loss? Is it grief?
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Is it a sense of shame? Is it a sense of unwanted or
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loneliness? What is it that that the emotion
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that emerges for you? And then what is the meaning?
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This is the third thing. What's the meaning behind that
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emotion? Does it mean that I'm unwanted?
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Does it mean I feel rejected? Does it mean I feel abandoned?
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Does it mean I go into myself and feel broken or defective or
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not worthy of having people in my life?
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What it What is the story you tell yourself about that feeling
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when it comes up? And then last but not least, #4.
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What do you do with that feeling?
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Do you shut down? Do you close yourself off?
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Do you pull away from loved ones?
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Do you go out and frantically try to insert yourself into
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other people's lives, invite yourself to holiday dinners or
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make sure that you buy a ton of gifts for people?
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Because what you're really wanting is that love and
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acceptance and that longing. And you know that if I go and
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give somebody a gift, well then that's that's a moment that I
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can be in connection with somebody else.
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So I'm going to go buy a bunch of gifts this year and make sure
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I give them out because that's my way of trying to combat the
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sense of loneliness and feeling abandonment inside myself.
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So four things really important to know when you get triggered,
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What's the vivid trigger? What's the feeling that emerges?
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What's the meaning behind that feeling?
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And then what do you do with that feeling?
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So number one, in navigating the holidays is to understand your
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triggers Again. We often see in our clinic a
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surge of people around the holidays in, in part because
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it's so difficult for them to be around family members.
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Family can be a big trigger for people with with trauma or past
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trauma. Often times trauma that very
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well could have been caused by their family, their parents and
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aunt and uncle, whatever it might have been.
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So we see people come in and they want help navigating the
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holiday season. They want help trying to figure
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out what are some strategies that I can use.
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And so one of the first things we do with them is help them
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identify their triggers who might show up at the family
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dinner. That could be a big trigger for
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you who might not show up at the family dinner.
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Somebody that maybe you were really wanting to see, somebody
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that you were feeling hopeful to reminisce with, somebody that
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you were hoping to love on or that always delights in you.
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Maybe they're not coming this year and that can be a trigger
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for you as well. So identifying those triggers
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and identifying those four different elements is really job
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number one. Job number 2, set boundaries for
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yourself. It is really important to
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understand that if somebody is a trigger for you during the
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holidays that it's really important to be able to set
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boundaries. And there are two types of
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boundaries. There are, there are appropriate
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boundaries. Actually there's three types,
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excuse me, there's appropriate boundaries.
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And when I say appropriate, I mean they are appropriate to the
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situation. Then there are rigid boundaries,
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boundaries that are too rigid that that go too far in in in
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in, in the appropriateness of a situation.
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And then there are boundaries that are too weak or too porous,
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so they're not strong enough given a certain situation.
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So making sure that you have the appropriate boundary that is
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appropriate given the situation is really very important.
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So what are some types of boundaries that we might set
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during the holidays? First of all, over committing.
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Making sure that we take time to allow ourselves the space we
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need to enjoy the activities we're doing without feeling
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completely harried and rushed and overwhelmed.
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Oh my gosh, I've got a party tonight.
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I've got to go get this gift. I don't have time to do it.
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I get off at 5, the party starts at six or whatever that
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situation might be over. Committing can add to and cause
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more stress. So what does an appropriate
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boundary look like? Maybe it looks like accepting
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certain parties you want to go to or accepting certain projects
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you want to work on over the holidays and and saying no to
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others. Saying no is a powerful word.
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It really is and it's an appropriate boundary.
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You do not have to do everything, You can say no and
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you can ask for help. So not over committing, as I
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said, not attending certain parties or being around certain
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people. Just because you've said yes to
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attending a party and you know somebody's going to be there,
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doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
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Give the host plenty of notice. I'm not saying don't show her
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back out, but there's no reason that you have to put yourself in
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a position to be triggered all over again by being around
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certain people, family or otherwise.
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I think another boundary, and this is a big one, especially
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during the holiday season, is not overspending, especially
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here in North America and and especially the United States,
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we're really commercialized. We love to go out and buy things
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and we have this illusion that somehow buying things is going
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to fill this, this hole inside of us and make us happy.
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And it doesn't. It lets us down time and time
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and time again. And unfortunately, holiday
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seasons, and especially the Christmas holiday has become
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very commercialized. So I really encourage you to be
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able to stick to a budget. Don't overspend that.
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Little Timmy doesn't need every toy that's new this season.
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Believe me, little Timmy will survive.
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If he doesn't get the latest train set, or he doesn't get the
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latest robot or the latest iPad product or whatever that may be,
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his life will go on. He will be OK.
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You are not damaging him by not spending or breaking the bank to
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make sure that he has all these material goods.
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So don't overspend. Stick to a budget making sure
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you get appropriate sleep. This is a big one.
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During the holidays, it can be really hard for people to make
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sure that they take care of themselves and they get
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appropriate sleep. So make sure you're going to bed
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on time. Make sure that you are getting
14:30
up at a reasonable hour or giving yourself certain days
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where you can sleep in a little bit longer or you can wake up
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more naturally without the alarm and ease into the day.
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And so sleep is really, really, really important to our health.
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And it's really important to the health of individuals that have
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suffered through trauma for sure, because that rest gives
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your body time to reset and recuperate, make sure another
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boundary is limiting the amount of alcohol or coffee that you
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have. We don't want to overindulge a
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lot because that can then increase our stress levels.
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It can then create more stress internally for us, meaning we're
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tired or we're coming off of a hangover, which means we are
15:20
more likely to get triggered because those emotions are sort
15:24
of right there on the surface. So being able to set appropriate
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boundaries with alcohol, coffee, other types of stimulants are
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really important. And then one additional one I'll
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add, and this is kind of a funny one, but I I think I think in
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the last few years here in North America, it does kind of need to
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be said. You might limit the number of
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Hallmark movies you watch. Hey, I love these movies and I'm
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a romantic at heart. I I get it.
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They're fun. They they they pull you into the
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holidays. They give you a wonderful
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feeling. Often times they end on a very
15:58
happy note, with two people falling in love and the illusion
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that they're going to live happily ever after.
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But if you're struggling with feeling unwanted, if you're
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struggling with feelings of loneliness, then these Hallmark
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movies may not be the best thing for you to watch.
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So I would just encourage you to limit the number of Hallmark
16:18
movies and and make sure that you're surrounding yourself with
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positive messages, not messages that feed that sense of
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loneliness or loss or or feelings of unwantedness or
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abandonment. So that's just a couple of types
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of boundaries that are really important.
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So when we set a boundary, then we have to ask ourselves how can
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we communicate this boundary? Because it's one thing to set a
16:46
boundary internally and say, I'm not going to overspend this year
16:50
or I'm not going to go to this party.
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But the question becomes, how do we then take that and
16:56
communicate that expectation to other people?
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And I and I want to hone in on that word because that's really
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what you're doing. You're just simply setting an
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expectation for others. You're just simply letting your
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family know in a kind, yet assertive way.
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This year I've budgeted X amount of money for all the grandkids,
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or I've budget budgeted X amount of money for my entire family
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and I'm not going over this limit.
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Hey, just to let you all know, this year's not going to be a
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big as as it was last year. There might be a few, a few
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fewer dishes on the Thanksgiving table this year because the cost
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of Turkey has gone up and so we just can't have the extra
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servings of mashed potatoes and rolls or whatever that might be.
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It's OK to let people know where your line is.
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And this is a really important skill, especially for people
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with trauma, because often times they feel like they have to live
18:00
up to the expectations of others in, in part, especially if if
18:05
their trauma was caused by the blurring of of those boundaries,
18:10
people imposing their will on them, parents that might have
18:14
been manipulative or gaslighting or or using coercive measures to
18:21
get their way. Sometimes it's very hard for
18:24
people to be able to set that firm boundary even with their
18:28
own parents and say well this year not doing that or this year
18:32
is going to look a little bit different.
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In my house we, we host Thanksgiving every year and it
18:38
relatively goes smooth every year.
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And so as a result we we provide the Turkey, we provide the
18:45
rolls, My wife makes a great green bean casserole.
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It's pretty traditional in, in in terms of our food, but then
18:51
we ask everybody to bring in aside and so everybody helps
18:55
contribute this. This takes some of the load off
18:58
of us so that we're not trying to not only create the, you
19:01
know, cook the Turkey, but also simultaneously have 15 other
19:05
dishes ready at the same time so that when everybody sits down,
19:08
it's hot, it's warm and it's good food.
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This just helps us be able to manage that.
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So that's something that just works for us.
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It certainly may not work for everybody else.
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But I will also say in terms of communicating your boundaries,
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and I think this is an important caveat to that.
19:25
Have a plan for pushback. People often don't like change.
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And when you've done something year after year after year and
19:33
then you go to change it and you move that line, move that
19:37
boundary line, people will often times push back a little bit.
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And so be ready for that. Have an idea of what that
19:45
pushback might be, have an idea of what you might say to that
19:49
person so that you can script out a few lines.
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And when you do that, be kind but be firm.
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So no, Mom, I'm not going to do that this year.
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It's actually going to look a little bit different.
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Well, I understand that might be important to you, mom, but this
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year it's really important for us to do this.
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We still love to have you at Thanksgiving Day.
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You're important part of our family.
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We love you. We want you there.
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But just know that this year it's going to look a little bit
20:15
different. And so you're kind but you're
20:18
assertive and and you can just sort of hold to that line.
20:22
And so if people are giving you pushback.
20:25
Just try to plan or prepare for that, because I think that's
20:29
important not to be caught off guard when you are communicating
20:33
your boundaries to others. And I also want to add a a piece
20:37
to this as well, because it at least here the little corner of
20:42
the world I live in. This is especially true for
20:46
women. Women do so much of the cooking,
20:52
the shopping, the preparing, the decorating.
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So much of the holiday time that is special for families is
21:02
created because the women in the family are the ones doing it.
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And I I will just take this moment to publicly acknowledge
21:11
that this is the case in my family as well.
21:15
And thank you to my wife, because holidays are
21:18
magnificent, in large part because the women in my family
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do take care of a lot of that. And so I am grateful.
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I just want to go on public record right now that I am
21:29
grateful for the women in my life that do make holidays.
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But that's also to say that if you feel burdened by that, do
21:39
not be afraid to communicate to your partners that you need help
21:44
now. Don't wait till you're
21:45
overwhelmed. Don't wait till you're in the
21:47
thick of it. And then you ask your partner to
21:50
help by yelling at them or or making them feel bad or through
21:54
criticism or blame. Set that expectation up front.
21:58
This year I would love for you to be able to go buy the gifts
22:03
for your side of the family. That'd be really helpful to me.
22:07
Could you take care of that for me this year?
22:09
That way I can focus on my family and I don't feel so
22:11
overwhelmed this year. I would love it if you could
22:14
take an extra half day off and help me prepare the food.
22:18
Is that possible? So As for those things up front,
22:22
and that's part of communicating those boundaries too to your
22:25
partner is knowing your pressure points, knowing moments where
22:30
you might get overwhelmed and being able to communicate that
22:33
up front. So to all the women out there,
22:36
thank you for making our holidays so special and so
22:40
wonderful. It is not unseen.
22:43
It is deeply appreciated. And I am very, very grateful for
22:47
all the women in my life that do make the holiday season very
22:51
special. But I will say, along with that,
22:54
make sure that you're communicating the expectations
22:57
too, so that you don't always feel like you have to do
23:00
everything all right. So we've talked a little bit
23:03
about triggers. We've talked about setting
23:05
boundaries and communicating those boundaries.
23:08
Let's move on to another one. So I think something else that
23:11
you can do that's really important is consider starting
23:14
new traditions. You don't have to be beholden to
23:18
the old traditions that you've always done.
23:22
Yes, I know that's an oxymoron. Tradition by nature is something
23:25
you've always done. I get that.
23:28
But there's no reason that you can't start new traditions.
23:32
And so if you've always had Thanksgiving or you've always
23:37
had Christmas at home, think about going away now.
23:41
Again, don't go into debt to do this.
23:43
You know, I don't want you to go over budget, but if it's
23:46
something financially possible, consider going away for the
23:50
holiday, taking a trip. I know this was the case with my
23:55
family. I had done Christmas at home,
23:58
sort of the same routine for a long, long, long time.
24:03
And a couple of years ago I just said I want to go away.
24:07
And that was really odd and strange and people didn't get
24:11
it. But by golly, we were able to
24:13
make it happen. And it was one of the best
24:15
holidays that I've spent in a long time because I created a
24:19
new tradition and we're going to do it again for ourselves this
24:23
year. And I couldn't be more excited
24:24
about it. Now what that means is that
24:26
means we actually have less presence.
24:27
We're giving each other because we're actually spending money on
24:31
going away and spending it on housing and food and other
24:35
things. But I think the richness that we
24:38
get from that, from creating that new tradition, well, makes
24:42
up for just having some other trinket under the tree.
24:46
And so if if if starting a new tradition, like going away and
24:50
not doing the same thing over and over is possible, I highly
24:54
encourage that Instead of spending the holidays with the
24:58
same people, try spending it with different people.
25:02
If you normally go over to your partner's home on Thanksgiving,
25:05
switch it up, go to your family's on Thanksgiving and
25:09
then your partner's family on Christmas or some other holidays
25:14
and mix and match it differently.
25:16
And so that we're just trying to create something new, something
25:19
novel, something different that that makes it feel a little bit
25:23
better, as I've mentioned before, you know, buying less
25:27
gifts or different kinds of gifts.
25:29
So maybe you decide this year that instead of buying a bunch
25:33
of things and putting them under the tree or in the stockings,
25:36
you're going to make some gifts for the grandkids or for the
25:41
kids this year. And so starting that new
25:44
tradition, doing something different, is really important.
25:47
I always think it's important to try to adopt A family or to give
25:53
back to somebody or or or people that are less fortunate this
25:58
time of year. So don't be afraid to give gifts
26:01
in the form of donations to your favorite charity.
26:04
I always think that's a meaningful gift to give to
26:07
somebody and it really helps other people above and beyond
26:11
what you get out of it. So these are different kinds of
26:14
traditions that you can start. Just I'm sure you can add
26:18
thousands of more yourself given your situation and your context.
26:22
Where you live and what your family make up is life.
26:25
But I think being able to start a new tradition is important.
26:29
For example, if if you have a faith base going to a different
26:33
church service instead of the same service that you've gone to
26:36
year after year, just anything like that, that you can shake up
26:41
the holidays, try some new traditions, see how they feel
26:45
and ultimately you can evaluate it and go, is that something we
26:48
like, something we didn't like says that's something we want to
26:51
continue. And if not, we really missed
26:54
having Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Mimi's this year.
26:57
So we definitely want to go back.
26:58
That was that was something we missed out on.
27:01
Then you'll have that information to be able to
27:03
evaluate that for the next year. So let's go through just a
27:07
couple of more. This one's particular to trauma
27:12
survivors and that is practicing good self-care.
27:16
So around the holidays, as I have mentioned, it's really
27:19
important to practice good self-care.
27:22
And that means don't don't give up on your yoga, Don't stop your
27:27
meditations. Don't, don't stop having your
27:30
hot bubble baths with a glass of wine and and getting, you know,
27:35
half an hour to read on your Kindle.
27:37
If if that's what it is that relaxes you and that's good
27:40
self-care to you, whatever that looks like, you can make sure
27:44
you continue doing that. And if you're not doing that,
27:47
then I highly encourage you to start.
27:49
Because as I've said, the holidays are stressful and being
27:54
able to practice good self-care helps you be able to set
27:57
boundaries and communicate those boundaries.
28:01
It helps you stay centered and not be emotionally hijacked by
28:05
those triggers. So finding a quiet space where
28:09
you can reflect, making sure that you exercise you get your
28:13
heart rate up a little bit each and every day that that that
28:17
tires your body and so you're less likely to be triggered when
28:22
you're more relaxed and and doing journaling is another
28:27
great way to practice self-care. So all of these are just ideas
28:31
you certainly can have your own and and may have some that you
28:35
practice already but I'm just wanting to throw out some
28:38
potential ideas there and and just encourage you continue
28:42
practice good self-care during the holidays and then the last
28:48
one I'll add is reaching out to your support network.
28:53
This is really important when you've been triggered, when you
28:57
feel overwhelmed, when you are in encountering those trauma
29:04
reactions around the holidays. As I've said before, the
29:08
antidote to trauma is connection is reaching out to your
29:13
community, reaching out to family friends, sharing with
29:18
them, talking with them, getting that needed encouragement, that
29:23
needed hug. That look in the eye from that
29:26
person that you know without a doubt loves you and and you can
29:30
see that love in their eyes. That is absolutely paramount.
29:34
So do not be afraid to reach out to your support network.
29:39
Maybe that's certain family members and maybe it's avoiding
29:42
other family members. Don't reach out to people that
29:45
are going to make you feel more stressed or that tend to be more
29:50
toxic in your life. Reach out to people that you
29:54
know are going to be there for you and accepting of you, and
29:58
that might include close friends.
30:00
Maybe you have a coffee community that you get together
30:04
with, so you want to reach out to them or your yoga partners or
30:08
whatever it is, Whatever kind of community it looks like in your
30:13
life, that's what you want to be sure to do is be sure and reach
30:17
out to your support network and and get the connection that you
30:22
need when you need it. Now, the last thing I want to
30:27
talk about here as we've kind of gone through these different
30:29
ideas, is some of these will be easier depending on your
30:34
particular attachment style. Reaching out to your support
30:38
network is going to be easier for the anxious attached person
30:42
than it is for the avoidantly attached person.
30:45
And I recognize this, but I I want to offer you that
30:48
challenge. The things that I've talked
30:50
about today are applicable whether you find yourself more
30:54
in the anxious attached style or the avoidant attached style.
30:58
And so some of these, yes, might be easier as an avoidant
31:01
attachment. Reaching out to your support
31:03
network is not something you're necessarily going to think of.
31:07
It may be much easier for you to set boundaries with people.
31:10
Nope, not doing that this year and you have no problem being
31:14
able to communicate that to others, and I get that.
31:17
I really do. Some of those may be harder
31:19
depending on who you are and your style of attachment.
31:23
But try to find any any particular one of these ideas,
31:28
practicing self-care, communicating boundaries,
31:31
setting boundaries for yourself and and knowing your triggers.
31:36
And challenge yourself a little bit to to lean into the ones
31:41
that might be harder for you to do and not just navigate towards
31:46
the ones that are easier. So I hope these are helpful.
31:51
I know they are helpful to me as I head into the holiday seasons.
31:55
They've been helpful to hundreds and hundreds of couples that
31:59
I've worked with during the holidays and these are just some
32:02
of the the top drawer ideas that that I've had over the years and
32:06
working with couples and helping them being able to navigate the
32:09
holidays. So with that being said, I'm
32:13
going to sign off and we will talk to you next time.
32:16
Until then, I do hope that you have a wonderful and very, very
32:21
blessed holiday season. Thank you for listening to
32:25
Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
32:28
attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
32:31
Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
32:35
Be sure to look for our next episode on your favorite
32:37
streaming service.