Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Get Up When Your Wife Gets Up

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Get Up When Your Wife Gets Up · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we're going to talk about how to
• 0:10
  actually make your wife, think that you are not passive and
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  unhelpful and it's like it's a mind-meld UR here, but it's a
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  real shock to the system. But it's book just like getting
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  up and doing shit, will help. I mean there's there's no trick
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  here. The trick is there is no trick.
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  You actually have to get up and do shit and this is a time where
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  I really Do dovetail with the entire, the entirety of the
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  manosphere is advice for guys which is also get up and do
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  shit. So everybody agrees so perhaps
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  you two will agree once you hear my podcast but first please do
• 0:51
  subscribe to hear all of the subscriber only episodes such as
• 0:56
  the most recent one on the narcissistic family which was
• 0:59
  pretty interesting if you struggle with self esteem but
• 1:02
  you had a perfect family or your family's Great.
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  Then you don't know why you would have such a constant
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  mental health, issues or issues with confidence or relationship
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  issues. Then this is the podcast to
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  listen to the one before this one.
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  So, anyhow, let's move into this now.
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  Certainly this is not all men. I'm the first to say that there
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  are many women who just sit around and this isn't for them.
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  Like we can have episodes that that address different things.
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  Of course, if you are a woman and you realize that you are the
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  pack, Someone who just kind of sits around, then you can get
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  what you can out of this. But this is predominantly for
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  the many, many people that I see in my office, not everybody
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  again. But there are many people where
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  the woman feels like, she does everything around the house and
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  when I assess for whether or not, she's like, overly anxious
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  or overly perfectionistic. Yeah, there's some enabling
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  going on, but her obviously, there's an able and going on if
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  the she's allowing the man to sit on the couch so much, but
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  her expectations are not Not extraordinarily unusual.
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  And when push comes to shove, turns out that he just really
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  spends quite a lot of time either watching TV, or on video
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  games and really not very much time doing anything that I can
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  tell. And when I ask him, he says
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  things like, I don't know, I'm tired and, and sometimes he's
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  depressed, and sometimes he's just never had a male role
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  model. That really did anything around
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  the house and that's no longer the generation.
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  We And it's frequently that man grew up, maybe seeing a dab.
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  It didn't do much around the house, but he was a sole
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  Breadwinner. But now this man may not be in
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  that situation. And even if he is the sole
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  Breadwinner like most guys, I see are not out there doing hard
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  back-breaking labor such that they have to come home and lay
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  down there, usually, at an office, and they're doing
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  something that's probably, honestly, less physically
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  demanding than the wife, who's home with the small children all
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  day. So there's not much excuse for
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  just sitting around if She's not sitting around.
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  So this is not again situation where the woman is incredibly
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  anxious and she's like, really OCD and washing things a million
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  times that don't need to be washed, etcetera, Etc, but it's
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  like when the woman is doing things that generally would be
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  perceived by others to be normative Home Maintenance.
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  But the guys just sitting around so, like, for example, a woman
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  that cooks and cleans up afterwards, oh, that's not
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  right. I mean she cooked light bar
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  with, she also clean up unless literally she did nothing else
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  all day. But there are very few women who
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  say You know, whether your home with kids or you're working, you
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  know? I mean, hurt her day doesn't
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  start at 6:00. She's not just a she just
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  doesn't just activate in the evening and then do all of the
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  housework and have the rest of the day to relax.
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  Oh, that can't be possibly fair. But yet I do hear that not as
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  much as I used to, but sometimes that there are women who do like
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  all of the cleaning of. What if the guy do, maybe he
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  mows the lawn and that's only in the summer.
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  So what's he do in the winter? We don't really know and their
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  loan Loads and loads of guys do all the Home Maintenance.
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  They're constantly doing shit and I'm not talking to those
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  guys, right? I'm talking to the ones who
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  really don't do very much and so if you don't do very much, it
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  can seem very daunting where to start.
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  Because again, it's unlikely that you saw a template of a
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  male who was involved. Otherwise you would be a male
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  Who's involved in the workings of the home.
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  So the general rule of thumb that I say is to just get up,
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  get up. When your wife is up, don't be
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  sitting when she's not. Sitting so it unless she is up
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  until like, you know, midnight obsessively, baking or others
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  perceive that. She has an anxiety disorder and
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  she's like totally overly perfectionistic and insane.
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  Cool. Then maybe get, you know, going
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  to couples counseling and try to have somebody else point that
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  out to her because I'm sure you tried and it failed.
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  But if she, if your house, if you look around and looks
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  alright. But like nobody would say it's
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  spotless and, you know, she does kind of, you know, order out
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  sometime Times and you know, doesn't always have not on the
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  ball with everything. So it's kind of like a normal
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  home except that you don't participate in the running of
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  it. It's not some kind of like
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  complete like Factory where things go down to the minute.
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  And she has these impossible standards for you, but rather
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  like a normative kind of home, you know, that you're just
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  really not participating in in this case, you just got to get
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  up when she gets up and do shit. So you do shit right next to her
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  and you kind of follow what she's doing.
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  Until she's gonna be like, what are you doing?
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  You say, I'm helping. You know, I've realized that I'm
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  not haven't been helping that much.
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  So if and you won't really know what to do at first, but you're
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  smart, you could figure it out. Same as you wouldn't work and
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  you will learn. So if there is a clean up
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  routine after dinner, that you have just never participated in.
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  Well it's not going to be too hard to learn it and if there is
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  a way that we do bedtime or bath time with the kids, you can
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  learn that as well. And if there is something to do
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  with With you know meal prep, you can learn that too.
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  So the rule of thumb is until maybe let's say, I don't know,
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  the kids, go to sleep. If she's up your up if she's
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  moving, you're moving. If you just do this for one week
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  and you might see why she's too tired for sex all the time and
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  be she met magically stopping too tired for sex but coach, she
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  won't need to be so tired anymore because you're doing
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  more shit. So and that begs the question of
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  course, the Eternal question as I talked about in the Podcast
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  about that book, fair play, you know does doing chores.
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  You know, the does a man doing more chores lead to more sex
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  than guys. Always say no because here they
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  are the men that do chores. Say, I do so many chores and I
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  don't get laid. Yeah, the guys who are already
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  doing a lot of chores, they don't get laid, who and they do
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  more chores. They don't, that's been the
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  status quo. But I'll tell you something,
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  guys that are in these more traditional setups, this more
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  shot. Ava Mystic setups really?
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  That haven't been doing jack shit when those guys come into
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  my office and they start to do more shit, they do end up having
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  more sex. They do end up having a happier
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  wife because what it indicates is a sea change.
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  Its philosophical change, in the way that they view the world and
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  that the wife is like holy shit. Look who's up, look, who's
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  moving? Look who's participating in the
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  household? This can be a very big
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  difference. It's just like how men start
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  getting laid more when they go on inside.
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  Present ironically then they can't come sometimes you know to
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  enjoy that sex but frequently men who go on either ADHD meds
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  or antidepressants do end up with happier and more in the
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  mood wives because they're fucking alive and participating
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  and there's nothing that's more of a turn-off than a potato that
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  sits on the couch and just, you know, watches should go on, you
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  know, out of the side of his eyes and doesn't really
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  participate in any of it. So, so while certainly the women
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  in these situations ought to advocate for themselves and not
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  too deeply examine why they over function, I have my over
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  functioning podcast, I'm at podcast on when men don't take
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  care of you all that kind of thing.
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  But this is on the other side. If you realize that anybody
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  looking in I mean it would be a difficult realization, a harsh
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  realization that anybody looking in would be like why is she
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  doing everything? You know and like maybe you got
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  like a million reasons for that. Oh she's so anxious about Hello,
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  I'm tired. Oh she got you know to have a
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  break during the kids nap time and I don't get any breaks at my
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  desk job, whatever the fuck it is.
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  You know that like you're well maybe you don't know.
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  So I'll tell you if you're you and your wife split up and your
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  wife met some other guy, here's what he wouldn't do, what he was
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  trying to court her and and impress her.
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  He would not just sit on his ass while she did everything around
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  the house he wouldn't, that's not what you do when you want
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  to. Impress somebody so it's
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  probably not what you did in. The very beginning, in the very
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  beginning, you were more Dynamic and proactive, I'm sure you have
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  much, you know, resentment under, you know, there's a lot
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  under the bridge now. But either way, there's no man
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  in his right mind. That would think that a guy just
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  sitting and laying around is ever going to be a turn-on to
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  women. So it doesn't really matter if
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  you do chores or if you do something else, that's like the
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  funny thing, if the only thing to do is chores, yes, get up and
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  do the chores, that will be Maybe not a turn-on to some
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  women. Yes.
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  The ones that were the guys never literally never help
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  before. They'll be like holy shit like
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  look who joined, you know, this Century but like if the only
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  thing to do is chores, then get up and do the chores.
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  If you have some other awesome shit to do like that could
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  impress her too. So, like, you know, the guys who
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  work like, two jobs, you know, like cool that that could be
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  good for many women. Many women would find that to be
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  attractive, you know? Or if you want to go out, And
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  you you're making some project. I just had that thing about
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  projects the podcast about projects you want to go out and
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  build a deck? Some women would like that.
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  Some women wouldn't, I have another podcast all that bore if
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  you want to like teach here's one that never fails to want to
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  teach one of the kids something, holy shit, she's going to really
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  like that. So it's like this.
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  If you can figure out some other kind of dynamic interesting
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  thing to do, that isn't just for you so it's not like oh man I'm
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  so impressed. He went out and Golf to, you
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  know, like that. Which is good to say.
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  But if you can do something else to participate in your family,
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  life without cleaning up the dishes, maybe you don't have to
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  you know maybe that's a workaround maybe if you are
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  going to teach your son, you know how to speak Spanish then,
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  cool do that. You know and then she'll be
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  really impressed. Maybe she'll even do all of the
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  cleanup, but the thing is, you got to be doing something.
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  You got to be doing something, you cannot be sitting there as a
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  passive consumer of media. Or You may say I'm an active
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  gamer. No, no that doesn't count either
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  nothing involving screens counts.
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  And if you're just sitting there looking at some sort of a
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  screen, while your wife does everything, it's not going to
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  work out, good long-term for your relationship.
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  Unless she is extremely into the idea of being like, the one who
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  does completely everything around the house.
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  And she is something out of the 50s or out of a much more
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  conservative culture and which case you don't give a shit about
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  my podcast. You would Ever listen to my
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  podcasts in that situation because you're too busy with
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  her, bringing you your slippers, and your beer, and your living
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  your best life. But if you are a guy whose wife
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  has ever indicated implicitly or explicitly, that she's
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  disappointed by his lack of Engagement and activity in the
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  home then you need to follow my advice and see where it gets you
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  which is just get the fuck up and see when she's up.
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  You get up just get up and do something follow her.
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  Go into the The room and do, whatever she's doing with her.
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  It will get you a couple of strange looks at that point you
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  say, yes, I'm trying to get up more and do more stuff and there
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  is no woman in the world. That is going to say anything
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  about that. Like that mean that's out there.
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  Like a woman will never criticize a man in the middle of
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  him cleaning and some of you'll be like, yeah, yeah you yeah
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  I'll tell you that happened to me.
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  But the majority of of guys understand that that's true
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  because if they help out The woman is happier overall, so I
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  didn't just, let me also just discriminate between two things.
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  Because, again, it usually goes to this.
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  When the man has like a retort to these sorts of things.
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  The retort is, well, I tried there was a time where I swept
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  up for a week after dinner, you know, and did all the cleanup
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  and I did not have sex. Even one more time.
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  A, like one week is Jack shit. Probably even a month is Jack
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  shit. And look what happened.
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  It regressed. So you were doing extremely tit
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  for Rate at which is a super big turn-off as I discussed in the
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  Fairplay podcast about that book.
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  But anyway, also the point is the chores are not like they're
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  necessary, but not sufficient. Like you got to be passive.
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  Sorry. You don't got to be passive, you
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  have to be proactive and engaged in your life.
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  And then, on top of that. Yeah, you also got to be
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  romantic and sexual sure, but just deciding that you're going
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  to do the chores and then still like kind of never initiating.
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  Being scared of her and like, never never like wanting to do
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  anything that she doesn't like as I talked about and I wrote
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  about in the post, stop caring so much.
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  What your wife thinks. Yeah, then you're still not
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  going to get late. So if you want this to be a
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  broader philosophy, it's get up and take Life by the horns.
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  You know, because women do gravitate more to that, you
• 13:55
  know, it's not saying I'm the best thing since sliced bread
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  and and being arrogant which is sometimes where these things
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  overshoot to as I discussed in previous.
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  This episode, but rather be active and engaged particularly
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  at moments when she is active and engaged.
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  Like, if she is up cleaning the kitchen and you're sitting on
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  your phone, how do you think she feels?
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  How do you think she feels? She feels alone?
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  And she feels like, why am I even married?
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  Because this is not a team if you just got in from doing some
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  other, awesome, wonderful activity, cool.
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  And that awesome, wonderful. Not like your job.
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  Let's here's another thing, your job you would have anyway, the
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  majority of men would have the same exact job whether or not
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  they had a family and so the job is not considered a major
• 14:46
  sacrifice. I don't consider for example, my
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  career to be a sacrifice and something that I only have for
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  the children. So they're very shouldn't have
• 14:54
  to parent them because I already am working to support them.
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  It doesn't work like that your career is a, you thing.
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  You're doing it for you, you will probably have this, you
• 15:03
  have the same career. Ink about it like this.
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  If you got divorced tomorrow, would you have the same career?
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  Yeah, you would have the same career you might even have to
• 15:10
  work harder for the alimony and child support that you would
• 15:13
  have to pay. So you might have your career,
• 15:15
  you know, Tom's to or on steroids.
• 15:17
  So your career is not for the family.
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  Per se, you are career as your career, just like her career
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  should be her career. Those things should be taken
• 15:27
  separately out of the equation and then it's like, what are we
• 15:30
  both doing for our family and for each other, and that To be
• 15:35
  the major thing. Now, this does not mean, of
• 15:37
  course that like, if you have a job where you're, you know,
• 15:40
  working 12 hours and that you get home, you should have zero
• 15:43
  rest. Nobody's saying that, but what
• 15:45
  I'm saying is in the situation, the much more common situation
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  where the man does usually take a back seat to the stuff around
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  whole not always, then he could see how it goes.
• 15:59
  If he takes more of an active role if she looks at him with
• 16:02
  relief, because it's not all on her, she looks At him with more
• 16:05
  respect, if she's impressed, if she is skeptical at first, but
• 16:09
  then impressed, there's many ways that it could go.
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  But what they, what won't happen at shit.
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  Won't get worse. She won't dislike you more.
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  I mean there's just no way. So try it.
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  Get up when she gets up, particularly, if you are the men
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  who know and this one who, you know, if I'm speaking to you,
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  right? You are the guy on the couch.
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  So if you're the guy in the couch, then get up and see where
• 16:32
  that takes you. Alright.
• 16:34
  Hope you all. Got something out of this and
• 16:36
  please do subscribe. I also have YouTube now, so I'll
• 16:38
  link you to that and I'll talk to you soon.