Latest / The Inner Well Podcast / Kyle Ellison: Hope, Healing & The Human Experience
Transcript
- The Inner Well Podcast: We all contain a space within that when enlivened and nourished will support us with unwavering stability, expansion, and peace of mind. Join us each week as we dive into honest, grounded conversations about transcendental meditation, consciousness, and growth, and what it means to live an integrated life supported by a foundation of creativity and calm. This is the inner world. Hi everyone, welcome back to The Inner Well. We are live in Austin, Texas this week with Kyle Ellison. So Kyle is one of my students. He is local here in Austin. He's a very passionate musician that plays around in a lot of different bands and has had some very amazing life experiences. And he's here to talk to us about a lot of things today, actually. So we're not really gonna frame it in just one theme because I think that you guys are really gonna enjoy and really feel moved by a lot of what he has to say. ⁓ so Kyle, thank you so much for being here. You're welcome. Thanks for having me. Yeah, my pleasure. And so what we like to do before we dive into the questions is give our audience a chance to get to know you a little better. And so the way that we do this, and I know this might be an interesting kind of set up for you given that you actually are a musician and I'm sure music is one of your passions. We usually ask people to tell us what brings you passion with the human experience. And if music is actually your passion and you just happen to be lucky enough to do that for a living, then we'll take that answer too. But yeah, what what do you really enjoy that really moves you in the human experience? Well, I enjoy nature a lot. And ⁓ water's really important to me. Yes. ⁓ yeah. So I swim every day. ⁓ wait, do you go to Barton? Mm-hmm. Yeah, to feel ⁓ usually and ⁓ and then the people I love, like taking care of my mom is really important to me in the human experience. Other people I love I try to get out of myself as much as possible. But when nothing else is happening and even if even if nothing else was going on, I would naturally find myself playing music because that is a of It's ⁓ one of the things that I found that just you know, it's like an integral part of what I would call me being whole. Yeah. And ⁓ and there was a year and a half after I was in recovery and all this stuff where I stopped playing music. Wow, really? And I thought, you know what, I don't need, you know, I don't need shows, I don't need to, you know, be known for music, any of that. I don't need that. I was fine without any of that. But I still needed the music. The music part. So, you know, music is a part of it for sure, but it's a part, you know? That's a big question, yes. And so I I feel like I could keep talking, but we've you can tell me when you stop. Well no, that's that's good. We've we've got a good gist. Okay. And so ⁓ is music a form of catharsis for you, would you say? It's a letting go. It's a meditation, believe it or not. Absolutely, I believe it. Yeah, it's a and ⁓ it's a way to get out of myself. I lose track of time. You know, I can like start playing something and like two hours pass and you're you know, 'cause you're going it's also it's a language and you know, I'm not very good at like expressing myself verbally, but I could always express a feeling. Yeah. On on my guitar. Yeah. You know, I could you know, I could play if I felt sad, I could play something that felt sad. And it's also a companion. Like I it's ⁓ it's like a friend, like I'm less lonely. Like when I feel sad, I feel comfort in hearing something sad. Whereas some people like, you know, I can't believe you're listening to sad music when you're sad. But to me, it's like I'm less alone or something. Yeah. I'm that same way. I it's nice to have someone, even if it's coming from the radio, that can mirror your reality back to you. Yes. Yeah. And then the what you're talking about, it sounds like there's an element of emoting that comes through your music, like being able to actually have a way to an outlet for your emotions. Yeah. And you know, I mean looking at it now in this in this question it you know, I even feel a little sad because I I just realized as you're asking it that it's been a huge outlet for a lot of grief. Yeah. Yeah. So well and it's such a blessing that you have it, you know. And I'm also really curious and it's fun to learn and you know that's it's an endless well of that. Yeah. There's so much great music to learn from. And yeah. Yeah. It's just a I love music. Yes. And having played it ever since you were younger? Has it always been a part of your life or is it something that you found as you sort of got into your ears moving towards adulthood? I started playing guitar when I was about eight years old. Okay. And I wasn't very good at all. So I started riding bikes and skateboarding like everybody. Yeah. And then when I was around eleven I just kind of naturally just went back to guitar. And ⁓ yeah, so I've been, you know. We used have to wait outside the clubs because we were too young to be in the club because it was an underage it was an overage club or whatever. So we but we were playing a club we're not allowed to be in, so we would wait in a band and then we'd go in the back door and and play and then they'd escort us out. It was also a family thing for me, like you know, I played with my brother and you know, it was like a it was ⁓ you know, it was kind of like a true family, you know, my first band arrived. Very full. Yeah, am I'm trying to learn how to play the harp right now and it really is another language. Like it and it's actually really hard to learn a new language in your forties. And so when Kyle came to learn, he he gave me some good encouragement and pro tips on learning how to play music. Well, it's it's always good to remember that there's a learning curve, you know, and and it's there's muscle memory, there's things involved, but once you get you if you just stick with it, you know. Like for a while it might feel like a drag, but then all of a sudden it's just final. Yeah. And so I feel like we all have these different extensions of ourselves that we've been blessed with, natural gravitational pulls that help us. experience an entire expression of ourselves. You know, when life gets overshadowing and we don't feel like we have words for the emotion or we don't really know what our next step should be, there's this capacity to go and dive into whatever that is, whatever that passion is for you that helps us really connect with the space inside of us to be able to gain the clarity or release the emotion or, you know, just be able to have an experience outside of the discomfort that we're feeling at that moment in time. Like for me, that's writing. For you, that's music. And it's a beautiful thing in the human experience to have these things that support us in our journey. So well and it's also like an act of kind of creating your own reality or space. Yeah, sure. Sure may, you know. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah. Very true. Okay. And so now tell us a little bit about your band, Nike Witter. Yeah, it's just a real psychedelic, kinda trippy, like it's a hard band to describe because it's kinda like Velvet Underground meets Mazzy Star meets Yeah, but you know, it's a people like I think people like that band. They seem to really enjoy that band. Yeah. 'Cause the music is very soothing. You know, it's not a it's not a rock band, but we rock sometimes a little bit. Yeah. You know, but it's just the Night Glitter's The best thing about Night Gleader, well, Night Glitter to me is the name. I love the name. Well well when you first told me it I was like cool thing about the name is it has a real meaning and that's that John Michael's daughter, he used to live in Wimberley by the river and they would walk down by the river and when the fireflies would be going off, she'd go look down like glitter. So I I love that about it that the name is actually that cool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Out of the mouth of Aves. I always always have the magical things to say. ⁓ Okay, now tell us a little bit about your TM journey. So what brought you to learn and what, you know, what was your catalyst? Everybody normally has a catalyst when they actually get to the point where they're like, okay, I'm gonna take the course and officially learn how to meditate. What was that for you and how did it show up to support your initial desires as far as, you know, I really would like to learn how to meditate because I feel like I need it for A, B, C, D. Well, for me it came from a a long journey of recovery and healing from a lot of trauma and grief and things that happened. Yeah, my brother passed away ⁓ from suicide. And so I was, you know, I I kind of went into this 10 year bottom and I was in a lot of trouble. And then I I started to find help and That's a that's a long story, but the but the bottom line is once I found that life raft, you know, it was just a healing journey from there on out. And that's when I discovered meditation. But I didn't discover TM meditation yet. So so I was always curious about TM because, you know, I I meditated a lot and I found it to be super helpful for me. But ⁓ you know, then I would talk to other people in the recovery community and be like, Well, you gotta try T N, you know, you gotta try T N and I'm like, Well, I already meditate and they were like and so after hearing that enough times I finally like, you know, like I was also still, you know, searching for some some more healing and and so I really was curious about it. And I and then that's when I found you and and yeah, you took me through the course and And yeah, I could do my talk about that. Well, let's kind of back up a little bit. And if you don't mind, I kind of want to talk a little bit about your journey that brought you to TM. And so I know that you like the whole life journey or just like Well, so it sounds like your brother passing was one of the catalysts that sort of Prompted you towards that tenure bottom that you were talking about, which absolutely makes sense. You know, losing a loved one spontaneously like that is one of the hardest experiences of grief that we have in the Cuban experience. And, you know, for those of you that don't know Kyle's brother, he his passing actually was the catalyst for the Sims Foundation. Is that right? The Sims Foundation is a is a local organization in in Austin. That helps musicians get mental health care and other recovery services for a really affordable price, like ten dollars or something. Which is something you say. Yeah. So ⁓ I mean they so many people have gone through the Sims Foundation, but they help people get to rehab, they help all kinds of stuff. And when my brother died, you know, it was really hard to find him out. And we tried. And it would have been great if there was a Sims Foundation for him. Yeah, but there wasn't. Well, after my brother died You know, I got really sick and stayed sick for a while and it and it got really dire. And ⁓ and ironically, it was the Sims Foundation that was started in his name that actually helped me get into treatment and property and stuff. So it's it was a full circuit. It was, yeah. Yeah, it was really kind of amazing because, you know, in a way he kind of saved me. But you know, so the Sims Foundation was really cool because it was a true grassroots, like people recognized. You know, when Sims died that, you know, there that we needed a solution for more help for musicians and you know, I mean I think mental illness type stuff is like rampant and it shouldn't just be for musicians, but you know obviously Yeah, it's rampant in the human experience right now. Yeah. So it's but you know, the Sims Foundation, you know, they have to fund what they can fund and they can fund to help musicians and hopefully someday they could help everyone. But there's other things out there besides Sims Foundation too. But ⁓ yeah. I mean, I don't know. That's what kind of got me Yeah. My bottom is what kind of got me into recovery, which kinda led to things like meditation. And then, you know, as you're kinda going through that, you find things like TM. Yeah. You know. And my always did it Ron Das and I was into all of this. ⁓ yeah. Yeah. So I'd heard of TM for, you know. I mean, have you heard of Doodo the Gas Pump? Yes. Well, yeah. So Rich Rick Archer's a friend of mine and ⁓ he helped me a lot, but he was You know, always telling me about TM, T ⁓ T ⁓ T ⁓ and ⁓ and then lucky for me I found Duke. Lucky for me too. And so what if you don't mind sharing, you know, you and I kind of touched on this a little bit before we started the interview. So when that Tenure bottom started to show up for you. And I know that you had mentioned that you were in a space where you were so sort of disassociated from your reality, you didn't even realize how bad off you were at that point in time. What did that what did that look like for you? Well, so basically when my brother died, I just you know, imploded like I couldn't even remember how to play guitar. Like it was that bad. I truly lost myself. And I started self-medicating with tr drugs and alcohol and anything I could to, you know, just kind of quench the pain I was in. But it just stayed that way for a really long time. And ⁓ and then it got to the point where it was truly a life and death situation, you know? And so, you know, the Sims Foundation, it you know, it started with hey Kyle, you need we think you need some help. to hey Kyle, you know, you know, once once every two weeks therapy isn't enough, you know, twice a week isn't enough. You know, Kyle, we need to you know, you need help. And so I ended up going to a trauma treatment center. And but you know, I thought I was going to rehab and I was telling you earlier is I was in this hospital kind of area for like two weeks and I was like, Where's the yoga? And like wine therapy and and they were like, you know, Kyle, you don't know where you are, you're in like a level one psych ward. Like it was that bad, you know, and ⁓ And I knew it was bad, but I just had no I don't know, it was so sick. It was really a rough time and But what's interesting is that you can heal. That's what's interesting. Well it's miraculous, you know, and it's you know, there's there's something to be said for being on the other side of that journey because it takes you into so many dark places inside yourself. And I can imagine that you must have felt so lost and so abandoned and so scared. I mean, these human emotions that are so incredibly hard to navigate through. Well, my mom always says, Kyle, you know, you've been all the way down those roads. Like that sh and she's kinda right, you know, I have. And ⁓ but to me when when I was in that dark place, there was no there was no such thing as hope or a way out or You know, there was no way to even see that anything else was possible. And so to get out of that and to truly see, you know, like I mean, I kinda l I whatever you want to call that, that that the darkness or whatever, I love what it taught me. But I think what's important for people to know is if you're in that place, you know, you really can heal. You really can get out. I mean, I'm not in that place anymore. I'm really not. I know you're not you know, I know that place really well. And I'm actually grateful, sorry, if I just touched the mic. I'm grateful for that that journey, but you know, I'm glad I didn't die. You know, I'm like grateful to be alive, you know, and I wish my brother could have had that one, you know, for sure. Yeah. And and I also have seen so many people that needed help that got help that truly recover, you know, and but I didn't know that when I was in that. Yeah. That just didn't exist. Well, you get completely overshadowed by your reality at that like the contraction just pulls you in so intensely that you don't even remember what it felt like to be expanded or there's no way I would have saw it any way out. I really thought the only I used to pray to die. Like it was that bad. Yeah, because that was just that was the only way I could see out. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I understand. You sort of said, like, hey, you know, this can help, this can help. I just would have been I mean, I remember when I went to treatment, I thought, well, I'll try this and then if this doesn't work, then I'll kill myself. Like that was my thing. Thinking of a Yeah. And what did it look like for you as you started to come out of that? I mean, how what what was the catalyst? We know what the catalyst was that brought you in. What was the catalyst that brought you out? That made you start feeling hope again and made you start, you know. Well, I think it's real important to allow the word allow I think is really important, but to allow yourself. Like taking that first step of even allowing yourself to get help is so hard. Yeah. You know, and that that was a huge step. But, you know, I was really fortunate that, you know, I ended up in a r in a in a in a really good treatment center that, you know, had amazing people that were good with trauma, that were good with, you know, add addictions, that were good with all of that. And ⁓ but I was so sick from all the substances that, you know, I had to go through the detox. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I would not so it took coming out of that. And then like about a month later I was about back in my body. Yeah. And then you realize, you know, wait a minute, there's a lifeline here. Yeah. And I'm one of the people that just truly grabbed onto it with everything I had, you know. Yeah. And I did ever I mean, you could have told me to go sit under an oak tree for a month and I would have you know, like I would do I would do whatever it took because I was so grateful once I once I was in a yeah. Yeah. So do you remember that first experience of hope coming back into your reality again? I one of the most profound experiences I had was when I left treatment and I went to prayer rock, which is a a Buddhist hermitage up on in Maui. Okay. And ⁓ I was going to Hawaii the day my brother died. ⁓ wow. So I Hawaii was a place I was scared of. And when I was leaving treatment, I said I want to fly straight from here to Hawaii because I wanted to face my fears. Wow. ⁓ like And so I ended up think it was like, you know, I just had to. I knew like I'm still terrified of Hawaii as weird as that sounds. But well with the context, if that sounds weird at all. Right. And so when I got there, ⁓ there was a Brene Is it Brene Brown? Brene Brown conference, but I went to and somehow I ended up on stage with her. Wow. Right. And and she did the work. But the but my the story was really traumatic. And so the crowd kinda revolted. I didn't feel it that way. I thought she was just truly where she was. Yeah. You know, so it was pretty neat actually. But but there was this guy who ran the hermitage at the thing and afterwards he said, Hey, you know, would you come up here? And so I did, and ⁓ it just so happened to be on the tenth anniversary of my brother's death that the day I went. Wow. And I walked up there and there was this little hut and he was making chai tea. And he looked at me and he said, Hey, prayer wrap's about another half mile up the mountain. And I just looked at him and said, Sounds like where I need to be. And I just walked up the mountain. Wow, so many metaphors there. I know. And so I was sitting there. I'm sorry if it's a long story. No, no, no, no. For some reason you made me think of it. But This was the moment that was the most like where I truly saw kind of where I'd been, what I'd gone through and where I was. And ⁓ but I was sitting up there and I just it had been such a long road, you know, my brother was dead. Our band hadn't imploded. We had signed the geff it, we were supposed to be this next big thing and none of that happened. It just it was kinda like the space shuttle, like it shot off and everybody's like, You're gonna make it and then it just blew up. And ⁓ and then I ended up almost dying and going through this whole like really dark journey. And then I ended up in treatment and now I'm sitting in Naoi on top of this mountain. It's on this, you know, and they're and they call it prayer rock because it's shaped like a rock and there's all these old boost flags. And you're so high you can kind of see the curvature of the earth. And I just was kind of zoning out on it and I was looking at it and I was kind of just amazed that I was even there. Yeah. Because of you know, I couldn't believe like and it was the tenth anniversary of my brother's death. And I but I said to myself for some reason, I was like, Wow, the sky just becomes the ocean. Because the sky, the blue just faded into the blue, and then I was following it with my eyes and I was like, and that becomes that beach. And I was like, and that becomes that little forest. And I was following it up the thing, and I was like, and that becomes this rock. And I mean I'm getting goosebumps. Yeah, I'm feeling them again too. Well it's all connected. Everything's connected. Yeah. Well that's the moral of the story is that I would go and that becomes this rock. And then ⁓ and then I thought, and that becomes me. Yeah. ⁓ Well but when I felt that, truly felt that, that that becomes me. Yeah. The reason I cried was because I saw in a flash that in I always thought I loved everyone else but hated myself. But I saw in a flash that in hurting myself that I was actually hurting everything else. Wow. And that was a hard harm feather to swallow, yeah. And that But it was also super beautiful because, you know, you hear we're all one, you hear it and you believe it even. Maybe even believe it. Yeah. But when you really feel like that. Yeah, it was it was like a truly, you know, it was just kind of like I guess they would call that like a white light moment. But kinda just like it was a lightning bolt. You know? And that's when I kind of like the whole big picture of everything that had happened, I'd been through and and where I was and you know. Then I was even here. So amazing. I know it's crazy how it all ended up that way. I know it's crazy that it was the tenth anniversary of this. Really, yeah. So many synchronicities. And there's such a beauty in that, you know, because I feel like that journey that you went through and you know, obviously that your brother went through too, and having to watch that and be a part of it, there's so much in that that makes you question so many days about God, the universe, the human experience. Is there anybody out there? You know, but then to be able to, you know, get on the other side of such a tumultuous journey and have this kind of synchronistic support where you just wind up going to this place on the anniversary. Someone tells you go here, and then you have this amazing experience and then life changes from there. You know, there's just I just I just love stories like that because they're so inspiring. I mean, I'm grateful is all I can say. So ⁓ I mean the reason I was perplexed just then is 'cause I get sad for the you know, I feel lucky, but you know, and it was all just by grace that I that I didn't end up, you know 'cause I remember I got to a point where I understood that you know, I remember with my brother I would be like, Okay, I get it, you know, this happened, this happened but what's so something was so wrong. Like it wasn't just like, ⁓ the band broke up or ⁓ this happened or ⁓ it was like Something was way beyond so wrong. And I remember asking him like, but what's so wrong? You know, and ⁓ but after he died and then when I finally ended up in so much pain, I realized I remember I was like lying on the bathroom floor and I just was like, Right, you know, it's you the problem is is you you want people to just like to stay and live, but it's like, you know, there's the other side of that which is like you can't keep living in that much pain. Right. Like you need a solution. Right. You know, because it's a lot. Yeah. Such a point of desperate. I'm sorry for all the pain that you've been through. Well, yeah, I'm sorry for all the pain anybody's been through. Yeah. For sure. You know, there's there's so much about the human experience that really is unbelievably challenging. And, you know, it can definitely make you question a lot of things. And so You know, I'm I'm really grateful that you shared that story with us because it is such a beautiful story and it is so inspiring and it does allow for people to really, you know, have a understanding of what hope can look like on the other side. You know, it well, and it looks like a lot of love and help from other people and it looks like nature and it looks like You know, I read self-love too. That's just happening for You people used to come gotta love yourself and I'd be like, Teach me how. Yeah. You know, like I can't just go buy a can and love yourself. I know. So yeah. I know, I think there's some of us out there that, you know, are incredibly empathic and they're so wired to focus on other. You know, their experience of self is actually filled by filling others. And so actually turning that lens inward, it is it is a challenging experience. And I can relate to that on so many levels. That's something you can learn though, right? Like can you learn how to Yeah, you absolutely can. And I mean my TM journey, that's how this technique showed up for me is it actually gave me an experience of self that I didn't even have. I was like boundless. I was here for everyone else but me. And it was just depleting me. And it was, you know, just it it was so unhealthy and I was suffering in so many ways. But I didn't know how to have self-referral because I just had never really existed as a point of reference separate from everybody else's needs, wants and desires. And so that's what this technique did for me is it gave me the ability to take up my own space. Right. And even experience your own space. As experience. ⁓ yeah. I mean meditation is so important. I think it's I mean, aside from just the benefits of what it does for your nervous system and, you know, being able to like, you know like when I don't meditate, the stressful things of the day are like a you know, way hard. Yeah. If I do then, you know, I can kind of handle it all. Yeah. But yeah, just the I don't know. It's the self was interesting to me too, because I'm not sure like you know how it is when you really go there. It's like where am I? Where am I? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Well, that's what we're Let's talk just a little bit about how it in you know, Kyle and I were talking about this before we started the interview about how recovery is a lifelong journey. It's not something that you graduate, you're like, ⁓ hey, I recovered. It's something that you're constantly placing attention and intention into. And so how has TM supported you in your journey with recovery? Okay, first I have to just joke a little bit about that though, because you don't know how many times I've called the treatment center and saying, Hey, let me back in. I have not recovered. It's a safe little cocoon. Yeah. But no, it's I think I mean what I got from TM was really interesting to me because it was I had already been meditating. So I knew what meditation felt like. But you remember it's like the very first time we did it and I had never even had a mantra, you know. So I was sitting there doing it and then I was just gone. And the only reason I knew I was gone is because I came back. Yeah. And that was so exciting to me. Yeah. You know, that I was like, ⁓ my God, like I went to a deeper place than, you know, maybe I had been going. But ⁓ I don't know. I just I think it's what we were talking about earlier. It was like, you know, you were asking me if I did it twice every day and that's it's acknowledging that I missed a couple of times. And ⁓ but you know when you miss it, you know, you know I mean you really regret missing it. Yeah, you know, it's I don't know what I'm really trying to say here, but it's just it's important to me. Meditation, you know, nature some exercise, food, like those are a key Or your self care. Yeah. And so when you miss it, I'm assuming it can make and this is what we hear a lot, this is my experience too. It just it's like when you do it, the edges sort of soften. And when you don't, it be life. It becomes a lot more edgy. Yeah. You don't have a buffer. Yeah. You can, you know, snap a little bit easier and you can just life backs up against you and you lose your space. And when you lose your space then You know, you just kind of you reach your edge a whole lot faster. I think it just kind of also reconnects you to like your true essence. Absolutely. Yeah. Somehow like you're like back to like, ⁓ yeah, consciousness and awareness and you're like able to observe without taking it also personally or something. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when you connect with that more expanded version of yourself, then you have the ability to have a frame of reference that sort of takes you outside of your humanity. You know, and it reminds you of the true nature of your being. Well, and you know how you don't like when your thoughts arise and they fall and you start to like judge your thoughts less and you start to judge everything less and or even how something should be, like, you know, I told you I'd take care of my mom in a nursing home and it's super challenging. And you know, if I go in there and I go, ⁓ this is hard and this is terrible and this is and I'm putting all these like labels on it. Yeah. You know, but if I just can go and observe it and be part of it and It's so, you know, I I found a lot of gifts in it, honestly, but it's you know, it's it's not easy, you know, but it's still beautiful to me, you know, and meditation even helps me be able to do that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I think that there's something to, you know, just even the way that your nervous system experiences a visceral experience of your reality, when you go into places you know, like that, where so many people are at end of life, even though it is such, you know, a beautiful experience to transition, there is still a lot of contraction around it, right? And so your nervous system will pick up on that contraction. And it's, you know, those of us that are very empathic and we sort of imvibe our environment very easily, you yourself start to become contracted. And so Having that twice a day expansion, I would imagine, is really important to be able to hold that space. It's been crucial for my nervous system, for anxiety, for like, you know, and I'm so grateful to it. Yeah. Because the anxiety, I was plagued with anxiety for you know, after all the treatment, everything I did, it was the one thing I could never really Yeah. And ⁓ understand. And it it was interesting with meditation because it's like You know, when you have a lot of anxiety and you sit down, that first ten minutes can be brutal. But if you get through that, you know, all of a sudden you're like, Wow, this is like the cure for anxiety. I don't know. That's just the way I've experienced it. But yeah. Yeah. Well, and that's what I got into it for too was anxieties. I was having debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, all the things. And it was the only thing that helped me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Well, is there anything that you would like to say for our to our audience? We have a lot of people that, you know, come to this technique as part of their journey in recovery. A lot of people that are looking into it that are maybe still in the throes of addiction. So is there anything that you would like to say to that subset of our audience? I just think I just think you can get well. You know, that's like belief that you can heal. I'm still working on it. I'm not claiming to be healed. You know, that's why I came to you. Like I'm always looking to like And I'm not healed either. So but it's all a work in progress. I don't know. I just ⁓ you know, I just hope the best for everyone and don't give up on yourself and don't give up on people you love and and maybe learn to meditate. Yeah TM's a huge helpful practice. So it's ⁓ I mean, I don't know, stay curious about things that might be able to help you, you know. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so thank you for sharing all of this information with us. The story was amazing and it really is just a very beautiful, very inspiring story. I'm so happy you made it on the other side of all of that and that you're still just walk through walk through the fire. You know it'll burn, but I promise you if you walk through it, you can get through the other side. Yeah. And then just There might be more fires. But now you know you can get through. So makes it a little bit a little bit helpful, right? Yes, for sure. Okay, so we always like to end this podcast with our favorite question. What does the inner well mean to you? It definitely means peace and serenity. And there's some kind of softness. I don't know how to the word for it. I'm not the best with words, but there's some kind of compassion in it. Yeah. I don't know if that makes sense. Totally. I mean, I wanted to say love, but it's like Yeah, love absolutely makes sense. ⁓ but what it means for me, that inner world, it's there's a freedom there and ⁓ there's an ⁓ acceptance there. There's ⁓ There's nothing there. So great. Which is everything. Which is everything. But yeah, it's ⁓ I don't know. It's self isn't always there. Yeah. I've never seen that there a lot when I really go deep. Or it's a different experience of self. Just this the unbounded self. I mean I've heard all the words for it like bliss and all those are true, but when you ask me that question, I'm like, God, what is that? You know, stepped unknown too. Yeah. In a weird way. Yeah. Well and it is it's the beautiful unknown. The beautiful unknown. Yeah, that you wanna be like I said, if you go in there and it's like you don't just like I don't know. I had a weird experience on TM that I want to ask you about. Okay. Is it too is this the bad time to ask? I think kind of you can ask me. ⁓ Well, I was in deep meditation and I went into that place where I was kind of not there. The beautiful unknown. The beautiful unknown. And then But I started kind of having these visions and it was almost like I was a bee flying around inside these flowers, but I was there. And it was just all of a sudden I was in these flowers, but really close up. And then I was back and I was like, Okay, well, where did I just travel to? Like what was that? Yeah. Have you ever had experiences like that? Sure. Right. So what is that? Sorry, she's my teacher too. Well I think that, you know when you go into those really deep expanded experience of self, your awareness just becomes so much more heightened. You know, you're tapping into that unified field, the field from which all beings are connected, the bees, the flowers, all elements of nature, all elements of the human experience. And so it's very quite possible that you just happen to tune into it because you just hit the right station. Wow. Yeah. And there's also, you know, the I feel like too that there's this experience of when you are processing certain aspects of your reality in meditation, your awareness becomes so expanded and your mind-body connection is so in tune. A lot of times what'll happen is your experience of what you're processing will come out as visions, as images, you know, some sort of very tangible visceral experience of an image where you feel like you are partaking in the reality. And that in and of itself is a form of release and expansion for the nervous system. Yeah. It only happened to me that one time but it was so interesting to me. Yeah. Wait, what was that? Because they're like in the flowers. Yeah, so cool. It's super cool. Yeah, I know. I've had some experiences like that, that too. And they're always always my favorites. Yeah, it's way fun. Okay. Well, thank you so much for being with us. Thanks for having me. Yes. And I am just again very grateful for you in my life for the stories that you told us today and just for your journey. You know, I celebrate your journey. It's Done an amazing job of really holding the death and breath of that entire spectrum of humanity in your nervous system. All right, you guys, thanks so much for tuning in. We will see you next week on the inner well. That's a wrap on today's episode of the inner well. Please subscribe and leave a review. Your support means the world and helps others find us. And if this conversation added something to your day, don't be shy. Share it with someone it might resonate with. Also, please follow us on social for more between episodes and send in your questions, your stories, or the topics you'd like to explore with us. We genuinely love hearing from you and this podcast exists because of you. So keep showing up for yourself and we'll see you next week.