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The Journey to Guilt-Free Self-Care · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  Carmen Hecox: Welcome to Create the Best Me.
• 0:02
  Carmen Hecox: I am Carmen Hecox, a personal development coach, and I am so excited to be connecting with you today.
• 0:09
  Carmen Hecox: Whether you're listening to the podcast or joining us on YouTube, my goal is to help women navigate through midlife challenges with compassion, inspiration, and empowering conversations.
• 0:21
  Carmen Hecox: Each week we'll dive into thought-provoking topics, designed to build self-confidence, overcome invisible women's syndrome, and find the courage to create the best version of yourself.
• 0:34
  Carmen Hecox: I'll also be joined by expert guests who will share their wisdom and insights, so make yourself comfortable and let's embark on this journey together.
• 0:44
  Carmen Hecox: Well hello there, fearless midlife trailblazers.
• 0:47
  Carmen Hecox: Welcome to Create The Best Me.
• 0:50
  Carmen Hecox: If you are new here, I'm so glad you made it here.
• 0:52
  Carmen Hecox: If you're a returning listener, welcome back to the one and only place where we encourage and empower women in midlife to pursue their dreams and live life to the fullest.
• 1:04
  Carmen Hecox: I am Carmen Hecox, your host and personal development coach.
• 1:09
  Carmen Hecox: Today's guest is Elaine Blais.
• 1:12
  Carmen Hecox: She is a certified self approval life coach for women, a midlife troublemaker, and the founder of A Difficult Woman Collective.
• 1:21
  Carmen Hecox: She's also an author and a spiritual practitioner.
• 1:26
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine specializes in empowering women to heal perfectionism and reclaim their personal power through the art of self approval.
• 1:35
  Carmen Hecox: In today's discussion, Elaine will talk about how women in midlife can put themselves first without feeling guilty.
• 1:44
  Carmen Hecox: She'll also provide us with some helpful tips and strategies to help you begin your journey of practicing self-care without feeling guilty.
• 1:55
  Carmen Hecox: Let's jump into the conversation now.
• 1:57
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine Blais, welcome to Create the Best Me.
• 2:01
  Carmen Hecox: I am so happy to have you on.
• 2:05
  Elaine Blais: Thank you, Carmen.
• 2:05
  Elaine Blais: I'm really excited to be here and have this conversation today.
• 2:10
  Carmen Hecox: Okay, so you are known as the Midlife Troublemaker.
• 2:17
  Carmen Hecox: Tell me why did they call you the midlife troublemaker?
• 2:20
  Carmen Hecox: Why do you call yourself the midlife troublemaker?
• 2:23
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, it's um, it's an interesting little story how I came to that.
• 2:28
  Elaine Blais: So, I have a really dear friend and she and I support, mentor and coach each other.
• 2:34
  Elaine Blais: And we were having a conversation one day about words, the power of words and words that were used against us when we were kids, when we were younger, the things we were told not to be.
• 2:47
  Elaine Blais: And for her, the word was bold.
• 2:50
  Elaine Blais: For me, it was about not making trouble.
• 2:54
  Elaine Blais: And so, with that, I really thought about.
• 2:59
  Elaine Blais: Well, what if I did make trouble?
• 3:01
  Elaine Blais: What would that look like?
• 3:02
  Elaine Blais: Right?
• 3:03
  Elaine Blais: What is a troublemaker anyway?
• 3:05
  Elaine Blais: Because the things that are used against us are other people's perceptions, right?
• 3:10
  Elaine Blais: They're how they are the ways in which other people think we should behave or should the things we should do.
• 3:17
  Elaine Blais: And so, I realized that for me in midlife, in my mid to late forties, I really began to put myself first as we're going to talk about today.
• 3:31
  Elaine Blais: And in doing that, I really disrupted the status quo of my life.
• 3:37
  Elaine Blais: And so, I became a midlife troublemaker, and I have cleaned it and owned it ever since.
• 3:44
  Carmen Hecox: I love it.
• 3:45
  Carmen Hecox: I absolutely love it.
• 3:47
  Carmen Hecox: I remember we met through a mutual friend, Lori Saitz, and she said, Carmen, here's Elaine; Elaine, here's Carmen.
• 3:56
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine's, a midlife troublemaker, and it just piqued my curiosity.
• 4:01
  Carmen Hecox: I'm like, I need to meet this lady.
• 4:03
  Carmen Hecox: This lady sounds awesome.
• 4:05
  Carmen Hecox: We could be fast friends.
• 4:07
  Elaine Blais: So, for me, a midlife troublemaker is a woman who decides in midlife to finally put herself first.
• 4:15
  Carmen Hecox: And that is the topic today.
• 4:17
  Carmen Hecox: But before we get into the topic, please tell the audience a little bit about yourself and your journey of becoming a life coach.
• 4:26
  Elaine Blais: Sure, I'd love to.
• 4:29
  Elaine Blais: So, I was raised with very traditional conservative values.
• 4:34
  Elaine Blais: And I was a young girl with big emotions, very curious, and I was also really logical.And that got me in a lot of trouble.
• 4:47
  Elaine Blais: So, I learned to be quiet, be agreeable, be all those things that many of us have been taught to be as girls.
• 4:55
  Elaine Blais: And I lived my life that way for a long time, and my life was really wonderful.
• 5:00
  Elaine Blais: There's nothing to complain about.
• 5:02
  Elaine Blais: I created a career.
• 5:03
  Elaine Blais: I was in corporate life for about 25 years.
• 5:06
  Elaine Blais: I raised a family, and I simply reached a point in my life where none of that worked for me anymore.
• 5:14
  Elaine Blais: My children were leaving home.
• 5:16
  Elaine Blais: There was a big gap in my life.
• 5:17
  Elaine Blais: I didn't know what to do with myself.
• 5:19
  Elaine Blais: My marriage had been in trouble for a while.
• 5:23
  Elaine Blais: And so, the first thing I did was I went back to university, I got my undergraduate degree in my fifties.
• 5:31
  Elaine Blais: And that really shifted everything for me.
• 5:34
  Elaine Blais: It was such an empowering thing to do for myself at that point.
• 5:39
  Elaine Blais: And I just realized that I wanted to keep growing and keep expanding.
• 5:44
  Elaine Blais: And, eventually walked away voluntarily from what was a very comfortable, but not very satisfying corporate job.
• 5:55
  Elaine Blais: And took some time to just figure out what I wanted next.
• 5:59
  Elaine Blais: And I had wanted to be a coach for a long time.
• 6:02
  Elaine Blais: And a lot of, there were a lot of stories in my mind about why I couldn't do that.
• 6:08
  Elaine Blais: Why I shouldn't do that, right?
• 6:09
  Elaine Blais: There are too many coaches who would hire me.
• 6:11
  Elaine Blais: All of that brain drama.
• 6:14
  Elaine Blais: And then finally I just said, okay, so I'm not going to know until I find out.
• 6:19
  Elaine Blais: And I trained as a coach.
• 6:21
  Elaine Blais: I've done a couple of different coach training programs.
• 6:23
  Elaine Blais: I'm certified with the life coach school.
• 6:26
  Elaine Blais: And I have been doing this now for about six years, and I absolutely love it.
• 6:30
  Elaine Blais: And that continues to evolve as well.
• 6:35
  Carmen Hecox: And so, tell me what inspired you to decide to focus on working with women who are going through midlife?
• 6:45
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, I think that that for me has been my journey.
• 6:49
  Elaine Blais: It is what I know.
• 6:50
  Elaine Blais: It is what I have worked through.
• 6:53
  Elaine Blais: And, I had to find the tools and the path for myself.
• 6:58
  Elaine Blais: And it just feels so right to me to work in that space and help other women to have the tools and find their own path through.
• 7:08
  Carmen Hecox: So, the topic that we will be discussing today is something that is so dear to me because as a mom, as a wife, I have always put everyone else before myself.
• 7:24
  Carmen Hecox: Before my own needs.
• 7:26
  Carmen Hecox: And so, you're an expert.
• 7:28
  Carmen Hecox: And so, I'd like to have you talk about the topic about.
• 7:32
  Carmen Hecox: How to put yourself first without feeling guilty as a woman in midlife.
• 7:40
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, it's, um, I don't think there's a simple answer to that.
• 7:43
  Elaine Blais: First of all, I think we all want one.
• 7:46
  Elaine Blais: Um, I think it's a number of things.
• 7:48
  Elaine Blais: I think it's really, many of us just get to that point of questioning, you know, is this all there is?
• 7:55
  Elaine Blais: What am I going to do next?
• 7:57
  Elaine Blais: Who do I really want to be?
• 7:58
  Elaine Blais: Is this life what I've created this life and I'm not feeling fulfilled in it.
• 8:06
  Elaine Blais: I don't want to use the word happy, but I'm not fulfilled in it.
• 8:11
  Elaine Blais: There's often a lot of guilt around changing that.
• 8:14
  Elaine Blais: Around saying, hey, this isn't working for me anymore.
• 8:18
  Elaine Blais: And I think a lot of that comes from the way we're raised as women.
• 8:23
  Elaine Blais: As girls, to, um, really focus on the comfort and wellbeing of other people ahead of ourselves.
• 8:33
  Elaine Blais: And so, for me it was really recognizing.
• 8:38
  Elaine Blais: Well, I think for me it was getting to a point where my children were really old enough to do everything on their own and realizing that I didn't know what I wanted to do for myself.
• 8:50
  Elaine Blais: I think that was a big part of this for me, and I think it's a part of it for most women.
• 8:55
  Elaine Blais: And finding the support that I needed to recognize that I am no less important than anyone else.
• 9:03
  Elaine Blais: My needs are not less important than anyone else's.
• 9:07
  Elaine Blais: Um, they're not necessarily above anyone else's.
• 9:12
  Elaine Blais: But they're also not something that I can take to the backseat or that I should be taking to the backseat because if I'm not caring for myself, I'm really not caring for other people, right?
• 9:25
  Elaine Blais: I'm not nourishing myself.
• 9:26
  Elaine Blais: How can I nourish someone else?
• 9:27
  Elaine Blais: That whole idea that you can't pour from an empty cup.
• 9:30
  Elaine Blais: And I think I did that for a very long time.
• 9:33
  Elaine Blais: And there was a lot of guilt and shame in the beginning of this transformation for me.
• 9:40
  Elaine Blais: A lot of a lot of stories about who I thought I should be and who I thought I had to be, that I needed to work through, that I needed to reframe.
• 9:53
  Elaine Blais: And for me, it took coaching.
• 9:56
  Elaine Blais: It took some therapy.
• 9:57
  Elaine Blais: It took a lot of support to get through that.
• 10:01
  Carmen Hecox: And so, tell me why do you think that, because I'm assuming that these stories were stories you were telling yourself.
• 10:08
  Carmen Hecox: Why do you think we as women, have these, you know, create these stories that, we're trying to do something for ourself that it's a bad thing?
• 10:18
  Carmen Hecox: And or that we're being selfish?
• 10:22
  Elaine Blais: Hmm.
• 10:23
  Elaine Blais: I think that's a really loaded question.
• 10:26
  Elaine Blais: Um, and I'm happy to tackle it a bit.
• 10:29
  Elaine Blais: I think that, um, culturally, culturally here, at least in this culture, in the US where I was raised and live, it could be different elsewhere.
• 10:40
  Elaine Blais: Um, I think that culturally we are still expected to be a certain way.
• 10:50
  Elaine Blais: I think that we are trained up in perfectionism.
• 10:54
  Elaine Blais: I think that is a function of a patriarchal culture.
• 10:59
  Elaine Blais: So, when you think about how much of our time and energy, we spend on thinking about what we eat, what we wear, how we look, who looks better than we do.
• 11:11
  Elaine Blais: All of this comparison, all of this striving for some ideal, some perfecting perfect life that doesn't really exist.
• 11:24
  Elaine Blais: And we spend a lot of energy on that.
• 11:26
  Elaine Blais: We are trained up to do that.
• 11:28
  Elaine Blais: We're really trained up; I think from an early age to do that.
• 11:32
  Elaine Blais: And so, we continue to perpetuate it until one day we say, wait a minute, this is not working for me.
• 11:40
  Elaine Blais: And maybe we don't get there.
• 11:41
  Elaine Blais: But I think a lot of women now, especially in midlife, are in that place of really feeling like they have been undervalued.
• 11:52
  Elaine Blais: And it's because we've learned to undervalue ourselves.
• 11:55
  Carmen Hecox: So, it's sort of a self-perception as opposed to external perception.
• 12:01
  Elaine Blais: Oh, I think it's both.
• 12:04
  Elaine Blais: I think it's both.
• 12:06
  Elaine Blais: I think externally we are bombarded with messages about who we should be and who we shouldn't be, and how we should be and how we shouldn't be.
• 12:16
  Elaine Blais: And so, we have over our lives internalized that.
• 12:19
  Elaine Blais: So, I think it's both.
• 12:21
  Elaine Blais: And the process and the practice for me is not paying attention to what's out there, right?
• 12:29
  Elaine Blais: So, letting go of the external, realizing that that's all made up.
• 12:33
  Elaine Blais: And looking at what I'm believing about myself.
• 12:35
  Elaine Blais: And is that what I want to believe?
• 12:37
  Elaine Blais: How does that feel when I think those things about myself?
• 12:40
  Elaine Blais: And do I want to continue to feel that way and think that way?
• 12:45
  Carmen Hecox: Um, and so what do you think women can do to begin to overcome that guilt that we get from having these, stories that we tell ourselves or these thoughts that we have.
• 13:00
  Carmen Hecox: Or even caring about what the external forces say about us.
• 13:06
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, I think it takes courage to do that.
• 13:09
  Elaine Blais: And I think that it's a choice.
• 13:13
  Elaine Blais: I think it's a personal choice to decide that I want something different.
• 13:19
  Elaine Blais: And that I am going to find a way not to be guilty about these things anymore.
• 13:24
  Elaine Blais: Whether I start working with a coach, whether I'm working with a therapist, whether it's some sort of support system and group, right?
• 13:32
  Elaine Blais: Where do I want to be and what kind of support would I love to navigate through this?
• 13:40
  Elaine Blais: To take that power back to really be who I want to be.
• 13:45
  Elaine Blais: And not allow the rest of the world to sort of interfere with that.
• 13:51
  Carmen Hecox: So, can you share a story or an experience of a client that you worked with that you helped them manage or overcome this guilt of when they began to put themselves first.
• 14:07
  Elaine Blais: Yeah.
• 14:07
  Elaine Blais: I, um, I can think of a couple right off the top of my head.
• 14:13
  Elaine Blais: Um, I have one client who, um, I want to just do this delicately.
• 14:21
  Elaine Blais: I have one client who was really troubled by something that had happened in her life years ago.
• 14:30
  Elaine Blais: And it was affecting her relationship.
• 14:34
  Elaine Blais: And she was carrying a lot of guilt.
• 14:38
  Elaine Blais: As a matter of fact, she was carrying that guilt as weight on her body.
• 14:41
  Elaine Blais: You know, she, she was carrying it, um, health-wise, she wanted to be healthier than she was, and yet she's carrying all this guilt with her.
• 14:50
  Elaine Blais: And so really the process was to, for her to get clear about the fact that whatever happened 20 years ago or however long ago it was, she was doing the best she could in that moment.
• 15:08
  Elaine Blais: We all are right?
• 15:09
  Elaine Blais: In every moment of our lives, we're doing the best we can with what we know, what we have.
• 15:15
  Elaine Blais: I think it's Maya Angelou that says,"always do your best and when you know better, do better," right?
• 15:20
  Elaine Blais: And so, to not pull that old guilt along through our lives.
• 15:26
  Elaine Blais: Because what we continue to do is we continue to just beat ourselves up for a mistake.
• 15:30
  Elaine Blais: Or we carry with us an old wound and we keep wounding ourselves by thinking it over and over again.
• 15:39
  Elaine Blais: And so, it was really beginning to recognize that she's always done her best.
• 15:44
  Elaine Blais: And to get connected to what her best looks like now, what does she want now?
• 15:49
  Elaine Blais: How does she want to be in the world now?
• 15:53
  Elaine Blais: And working through practices and tools that actually reinforce that for her.
• 15:59
  Elaine Blais: So, she's still married.
• 16:02
  Elaine Blais: You know, her relationship is even better after that.
• 16:05
  Elaine Blais: Because she took this thing out of the middle, right?
• 16:08
  Elaine Blais: That was in between her and having the relationship that she wanted, that she couldn't figure out how to release on her own.
• 16:15
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah.
• 16:16
  Carmen Hecox: And it's almost as if though every time she, or this is just me thinking.
• 16:20
  Carmen Hecox: Every time she remembered that thing, that event.
• 16:25
  Carmen Hecox: Or that thing that happened to her many, many years ago.
• 16:30
  Carmen Hecox: It was almost as if though she was giving life to it.
• 16:33
  Carmen Hecox: And so as long as it had life, it's still there in between her happiness, whatever happiness is, whether her children, a girlfriend, her husband, or any type of relationships.
• 16:46
  Elaine Blais: Mm-hmm.
• 16:48
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, very much so.
• 16:49
  Elaine Blais: We continue to relive it and those memories live in our body.
• 16:54
  Elaine Blais: So, it takes a little practice and it takes some work.
• 16:59
  Elaine Blais: To move beyond that guilt.
• 17:03
  Elaine Blais: Because we're holding it internally, and oftentimes what we're doing is we're trying to push those things away, right?
• 17:10
  Elaine Blais: The discomfort in our lives.
• 17:12
  Elaine Blais: We don't want to feel that it doesn't feel good, it's uncomfortable.
• 17:17
  Elaine Blais: And oftentimes we want to dismiss it.
• 17:19
  Elaine Blais: We want to make it go away.
• 17:20
  Elaine Blais: We want to shove it down.
• 17:21
  Elaine Blais: We want to numb it, whatever we do with it.
• 17:24
  Elaine Blais: And until we allow ourselves to be with it.
• 17:27
  Elaine Blais: And feel it.
• 17:28
  Elaine Blais: It can't move through us, so we are continually carrying it and reliving it instead of releasing it.
• 17:35
  Carmen Hecox: And that's an amazing story.
• 17:37
  Carmen Hecox: And I just want to add this isn't like that.
• 17:39
  Carmen Hecox: She saw you one time, had this deep, intimate discussion with you, and voila, everything was magically perfect.
• 17:50
  Elaine Blais: That's very true.
• 17:51
  Elaine Blais: I mean, we work together over a period of time in order to get to that place.
• 17:56
  Elaine Blais: Um, I think it's funny, I sometimes think that the client needs to trust me, but what I realize is the client needs to start to trust themselves.
• 18:04
  Elaine Blais: That's really the process of coaching is I help that client learn to trust themselves, to trust their feelings, to feel their feelings, to trust their intuition, to be okay with their decisions.
• 18:16
  Elaine Blais: It's really about trusting themselves.
• 18:18
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah, and I just wanted to add that in there because I think that in today's society a lot of people are looking for quick fixes.
• 18:27
  Carmen Hecox: And so that's why I wanted to throw that in there, that there is no quick fix.
• 18:31
  Carmen Hecox: This burden's been carried for many years or maybe just happened, but the recovery time takes a period of time to process.
• 18:43
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, I think that's true, and I think that the willingness and readiness of the person who's doing the work too.
• 18:51
  Carmen Hecox: What are the common misconceptions of, because I'm assuming that putting yourself first means, providing self-care for yourself.
• 19:01
  Carmen Hecox: So, what are the misconceptions that come from providing self-care to yourself?
• 19:09
  Elaine Blais: Oh, I think there's a number of them.
• 19:11
  Elaine Blais: I think we're; I think we're; often sold this image and idea of what self-care is.
• 19:19
  Elaine Blais: You know, I get my nails done, I get a massage, and those things are wonderful and very and good for us.
• 19:24
  Elaine Blais: I not knocking them.
• 19:26
  Elaine Blais: But I think self-care is sort of stopping the busyness and allowing yourself to just be.
• 19:32
  Elaine Blais: Self-care is noticing that you're breathing.
• 19:35
  Elaine Blais: Self-care is checking in with your body.
• 19:37
  Elaine Blais: How do I feel.
• 19:39
  Elaine Blais: Self-care is, what am I thoughts?
• 19:40
  Elaine Blais: What am I thinking?
• 19:41
  Elaine Blais: How am I feeling?
• 19:42
  Elaine Blais: Am I serving myself with those thoughts.
• 19:45
  Elaine Blais: Or are those thoughts really limiting me, making me feel terrible?
• 19:49
  Elaine Blais: Are they self-defeating?
• 19:51
  Elaine Blais: Um I think we don't give enough thought to what we're thinking in our lives.
• 19:58
  Elaine Blais: And our brain is always thinking and it's always thinking random things.
• 20:01
  Elaine Blais: And we tend to want to believe them.
• 20:04
  Elaine Blais: Especially those things that come out of our fears.
• 20:08
  Elaine Blais: And when we realize they're just thoughts and allow ourselves to just be with them.
• 20:15
  Elaine Blais: And that we can actually change those thoughts or create the thoughts that we want to have about ourselves, we can do that intentionally.
• 20:26
  Elaine Blais: We are not at the mercy of our brain.
• 20:29
  Elaine Blais: Um, our brain is a beautiful thing, and it also has a piece of it that is, um, prehistoric, that is a survival mechanism, and it wants to keep us safe and comfortable and expending as little energy as possible at all times.
• 20:45
  Elaine Blais: So that we can outrun that tiger or whatever it is that's chasing us, that doesn't chase us anymore.
• 20:51
  Elaine Blais: But that part of our brain hasn't quite evolved yet.
• 20:55
  Elaine Blais: And so, it's going to show up.
• 20:58
  Elaine Blais: It's going to pop up anytime we decide to do something new.
• 21:04
  Elaine Blais: Because it can only pull from the past from memory.
• 21:08
  Elaine Blais: That part of our brain, we have the prefrontal cortex is the more advanced part of our brain where we dream and imagine and create from.
• 21:16
  Elaine Blais: But that survival piece is really strong.
• 21:19
  Elaine Blais: It's the thing that puts us in fear, that wants us to run and fight, flight or freeze.
• 21:24
  Elaine Blais: And anytime we do something new like taking care of ourselves without feeling guilty, it thinks we might die.
• 21:34
  Elaine Blais: And so, it starts yelling at us.
• 21:37
  Elaine Blais: No, no, no, no, no.
• 21:38
  Elaine Blais: This is wrong.
• 21:38
  Elaine Blais: You shouldn't do this, right?
• 21:41
  Elaine Blais: You're not supposed to do this.
• 21:42
  Elaine Blais: Remember what your mother said?
• 21:44
  Elaine Blais: You know, who do you think you are?
• 21:46
  Elaine Blais: All of that stuff comes up, and when it does, it can set us right back on our heels.
• 21:53
  Elaine Blais: It can knock us off our path, and so the more we understand how the brain operates, the more we can just feel that fear, oh, there it is, and then move beyond it.
• 22:05
  Elaine Blais: Realize that it's not true, that I can create something different and better for myself.
• 22:11
  Carmen Hecox: And I always look at, you know, when fear hits me with something new that I'm trying to do is, ooh, if it scares me, it's got to be good for me.
• 22:21
  Carmen Hecox: It's just a practice that I've kind of convinced myself to believe to be true, that if it scares me, it means I'm on the right track and something good is going to happen from challenging this fear.
• 22:35
  Elaine Blais: I love that.
• 22:36
  Elaine Blais: And that is reframing, right.
• 22:38
  Elaine Blais: Creating the story, you want to believe is happening in this moment.
• 22:43
  Elaine Blais: Because everything that we've learned up until now is made up.
• 22:47
  Elaine Blais: Somebody made it up.
• 22:48
  Elaine Blais: Somebody told us that this is how we should be.
• 22:52
  Elaine Blais: And we don't have to believe it.
• 22:54
  Elaine Blais: We can recreate for ourselves what it is we want to believe.
• 22:59
  Elaine Blais: One of my favorite affirmations around that, and this is similar to what you do, is when something goes wrong or I think it's gone wrong, didn't go the way I wanted to.
• 23:09
  Elaine Blais: I practice telling myself that everything is happening for me.
• 23:13
  Elaine Blais: And so, if this is really happening for me, even though I don't like it, there's a greater possibility about to present itself.
• 23:20
  Elaine Blais: And that allows me to stay open to possibility instead of closing in with fear.
• 23:26
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah, and I think that's really important because it just says that, just because, Elaine does, let's say you and I are both doing the exact same thing, but we both come up with different results.
• 23:40
  Carmen Hecox: I shouldn't be disappointed if my results don't look like yours because it was meant to be.
• 23:48
  Carmen Hecox: My results were meant to look like this.
• 23:52
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, and they're yours.
• 23:53
  Elaine Blais: You are not me.
• 23:55
  Carmen Hecox: Can you give us some strategies that can help women start to shift their mind to view self-care as an essential, rather than as an act of selfishness?
• 24:07
  Elaine Blais: Yeah.
• 24:08
  Elaine Blais: One of my favorite things to do is something I call loving your discontent.
• 24:16
  Elaine Blais: So, we tend to decide to make change mostly when we're unhappy, right?
• 24:22
  Elaine Blais: When we're, when things are going well, we're not thinking we want to change this necessarily.
• 24:28
  Elaine Blais: And so, when we get into a place of feeling discontent, whether it's frustration with something, disappointment with something, maybe we're experiencing jealousy around something.
• 24:41
  Elaine Blais: Um, all of these sort of contracted feelings and emotions when we can pay attention to that and allow ourselves to sit with that.
• 24:55
  Elaine Blais: We can then begin to imagine what we want instead.
• 25:01
  Elaine Blais: And so, paying attention to the places where we really feel discontented in our lives.
• 25:06
  Elaine Blais: I believe that discontent in whatever form is a sign that you are ready for change.
• 25:12
  Elaine Blais: That you have grown beyond this old paradigm, but you're still trying to fit yourself into it.
• 25:19
  Elaine Blais: And so, it's time to think differently, to think bigger.
• 25:22
  Elaine Blais: Have a new thought about this.
• 25:24
  Elaine Blais: Open up to possibilities about this.
• 25:26
  Elaine Blais: And so, by sitting with recognizing the discontent first, instead of just, you know, being frustrated with yourself because you don't feel good or whatever is happening there, trying to dismiss it.
• 25:38
  Elaine Blais: Just let it inform you.
• 25:41
  Elaine Blais: Because every feeling, every emotion you have, and I use the two interchangeably.
• 25:46
  Elaine Blais: Every emotion we have matters.
• 25:49
  Elaine Blais: They're not good, they're not bad, they're not positive, they're not negative.
• 25:53
  Elaine Blais: They are either contracted and tight or expansive and open.
• 25:59
  Elaine Blais: And when we're contracted, we're closed off from possibilities.
• 26:04
  Elaine Blais: When we're in an expansive energy, an expansive way of being, then we are open to new ideas coming in.
• 26:13
  Elaine Blais: So, sitting with that discontent and then beginning to imagine, hmm, what would I love instead?
• 26:24
  Elaine Blais: What would I love instead?
• 26:25
  Elaine Blais: Without judging it.
• 26:26
  Elaine Blais: Because sometimes the things that we think we would love seem really crazy.
• 26:30
  Elaine Blais: And so, if we can do that without judgment and just say, how would that look in my life?
• 26:34
  Elaine Blais: What would that feel like in my life?
• 26:36
  Elaine Blais: And just let it be and see what happens.
• 26:39
  Carmen Hecox: So, just allowing yourself to open your mind up to the possibilities.
• 26:45
  Elaine Blais: Mm-hmm.
• 26:46
  Elaine Blais: Yeah.
• 26:48
  Carmen Hecox: So, do you have, some tips that women can, start to practice so they can begin to put themselves first?
• 26:57
  Elaine Blais: Hmm.
• 26:58
  Elaine Blais: Um, the first thing that comes to mind to me when you ask that question is pausing and breathing.
• 27:06
  Elaine Blais: And that sounds really simple, but we forget to stop and breathe.
• 27:11
  Elaine Blais: So, when things are feeling crazy and harried, you're rushed, pause, and breathe because there's really nothing to rush.
• 27:19
  Elaine Blais: And the more we rush, the more we create that energy and the more behind we feel.
• 27:26
  Elaine Blais: When something is going wrong pause and breathe.
• 27:33
  Elaine Blais: When we can bring ourselves back to the present moment, I'd like to say when we're in our breath, when we're consciously, intentionally breathing, we are more present.
• 27:46
  Elaine Blais: And the more here we are, the more in the present we are, the more clear we are.
• 27:51
  Elaine Blais: The more clear we are to what we should be doing next, or what would make sense to do next or what would feel good to do next.
• 27:58
  Elaine Blais: Instead of sort of just kind of pushing through and there's a lot of that in our culture.
• 28:04
  Elaine Blais: You have to grind.
• 28:05
  Elaine Blais: You have to hustle.
• 28:06
  Elaine Blais: I'm pushing through, I'm, I can remember being in the corporate world and people, you know, aren't feeling well, but I'm going to push through and I'm like, why?
• 28:13
  Elaine Blais: Why don't you go home and take care of yourself?
• 28:16
  Elaine Blais: You know?
• 28:16
  Elaine Blais: But that is the culture we live in.
• 28:19
  Elaine Blais: That is what it's trained us to do.
• 28:22
  Elaine Blais: And we don't really need to do that.
• 28:24
  Elaine Blais: And the more we can just slow down.
• 28:28
  Elaine Blais: Pause, take a breath.
• 28:29
  Elaine Blais: Before we do anything, before we decide something, before we answer a question, before we respond to somebody or react to something, the more present we are in ourselves.
• 28:40
  Elaine Blais: And that to me is the first point of self-care, is just being present.
• 28:44
  Elaine Blais: What's happening in my body?
• 28:47
  Elaine Blais: What do I need right now?
• 28:49
  Elaine Blais: And what matters to me?
• 28:53
  Carmen Hecox: You know listening to you say that it reminds me of back when I was in corporate and there was this, attorney that I used to work with, and he would talk about all these amazing things that were going on in his personal life, his business life, and his, community work.
• 29:14
  Carmen Hecox: And I used to always think to myself, geez, how does this guy have time to do all this?
• 29:19
  Carmen Hecox: I barely have time to work.
• 29:22
  Carmen Hecox: I don't really have time for my family because I'm working so much.
• 29:25
  Carmen Hecox: I barely have time to go home, take a shower, go to bed, and start all over again.
• 29:30
  Carmen Hecox: And I think that the reason, now that you're saying this, I think that the reason why he was able to, tap into all these different areas was because, he practiced a lot of self-care, and it allowed him the energy to be in all those places.
• 29:50
  Elaine Blais: Hmm.
• 29:52
  Elaine Blais: I think that when we do focus on what we appreciate and what we're grateful for, instead of telling ourselves, I don't have time, which so many of us do.
• 30:01
  Elaine Blais: I've been there myself, right?
• 30:04
  Elaine Blais: Thinking I have all the time in the world.
• 30:06
  Elaine Blais: Everything that needs to get done will get done and focus on what we can appreciate in this moment.
• 30:12
  Elaine Blais: What we can be grateful for in this moment.
• 30:15
  Elaine Blais: We tend to create more to appreciate and be grateful for.
• 30:18
  Elaine Blais: I would also say though, he might have had a wife who did a lot of the things that you were doing so that he could do the things he's doing.
• 30:25
  Elaine Blais: Let's not forget that.
• 30:29
  Carmen Hecox: That is true.
• 30:30
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah, but he had I think he had like four or five children.
• 30:34
  Carmen Hecox: And he used to tell me that he wanted to take advantage of spending the most time he could individually with each child.
• 30:43
  Carmen Hecox: Because he knew that they would be leaving off to college and they would begin their journey.
• 30:48
  Carmen Hecox: And I used to just say, wow.
• 30:50
  Carmen Hecox: That's nice.
• 30:52
  Elaine Blais: Yeah.
• 30:53
  Elaine Blais: Yeah.
• 30:54
  Elaine Blais: And I think as women we can set those Intentions for ourselves too and do them.
• 31:00
  Elaine Blais: It just means we have to let go of the things we think we should do.
• 31:03
  Elaine Blais: Have to do, need to do that.
• 31:05
  Elaine Blais: Get in the way of that.
• 31:06
  Elaine Blais: That may not be true.
• 31:09
  Carmen Hecox: This is something I struggle with and that is setting boundaries.
• 31:14
  Carmen Hecox: How can we, women in midlife, set up these boundaries so that we're able to balance our personal and professional life with that proper balance?
• 31:29
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, I think that's a great question because what I find is, and this was true for me definitely, is that when I began on this intentional journey in my life, I didn't know what my boundaries were.
• 31:42
  Elaine Blais: So, I think a lot of us don't really know what our personal boundaries are.
• 31:47
  Elaine Blais: We've been, we haven't had any.
• 31:50
  Elaine Blais: Um, many of us weren't taught or allowed to have boundaries as young girls, as children and girls.
• 31:57
  Elaine Blais: So, we don't know how to set them for ourselves.
• 31:59
  Elaine Blais: We, and we get to midlife, and we feel we are exhausted.
• 32:04
  Elaine Blais: We're overwhelmed.
• 32:06
  Elaine Blais: And it's really because we don't have good boundaries, right?
• 32:09
  Elaine Blais: We don't know how to say no without feeling guilty, and I completely understand all of that.
• 32:15
  Elaine Blais: I have been there.
• 32:17
  Elaine Blais: So, the thing I would say about boundaries is, first you have to know what they are.
• 32:21
  Elaine Blais: You know what?
• 32:22
  Elaine Blais: How much time are you willing to give to the office to work, whatever it is your vocation is.
• 32:29
  Elaine Blais: And what will you tolerate?
• 32:32
  Elaine Blais: Boundaries are not for anyone else boundaries are for you.
• 32:36
  Elaine Blais: Boundaries are your rules, if you will, around what you will and won't tolerate.
• 32:43
  Elaine Blais: And what you will do if a boundary is crossed.
• 32:46
  Elaine Blais: So, oftentimes we think it's for other people, you know, uh, they're always bothering me.
• 32:51
  Elaine Blais: The truth is, I'm letting them bother me.
• 32:53
  Elaine Blais: Right?
• 32:53
  Elaine Blais: I am not stopping that person or thing from bothering me, from interrupting me, whatever that is.
• 33:00
  Elaine Blais: So really, it's about knowing what the boundaries you want are.
• 33:05
  Elaine Blais: How much time do you want to spend with your family and how do you want to spend it?
• 33:09
  Elaine Blais: And what happens if work comes in between that?
• 33:12
  Elaine Blais: What will you do?
• 33:14
  Elaine Blais: And that takes time, especially if you have no boundaries or your boundaries are really loose.
• 33:19
  Elaine Blais: They kind of move all the time depending on who's just coming in and who's coming out.
• 33:23
  Elaine Blais: And boundaries can be flexible if that's what you want.
• 33:28
  Elaine Blais: But you still have to understand what your hard and fast line is and what you will do, not what the other person should do, but what you will do if that line is crossed.
• 33:38
  Elaine Blais: So, for example, let's say a friend shows up at your house unannounced all the time and you try to accommodate them and it's really disrupting your day.
• 33:48
  Elaine Blais: And you have a conversation with that friend, and you say, Sue, listen, I love you and I would really appreciate it if you call before coming over so I can really be present to spending time with you and not in the middle of something else.
• 34:01
  Elaine Blais: However, you want to say that.
• 34:03
  Elaine Blais: And she stops over again.
• 34:05
  Elaine Blais: She does the same thing.
• 34:08
  Elaine Blais: And now the conversation is different.
• 34:10
  Elaine Blais: What do you want that to be right?
• 34:12
  Elaine Blais: Sue, I'm not going to answer the door.
• 34:15
  Elaine Blais: I need you to realize that this is important to me.
• 34:18
  Elaine Blais: And then you don't answer the door when she shows up again without calling you.
• 34:24
  Elaine Blais: It has nothing to do with Sue.
• 34:25
  Elaine Blais: She just can't hear you, and you're not going to change her until you really hold that boundary and she'll start to realize that, oh yeah, I should have called first.
• 34:36
  Elaine Blais: But we tend to think that because, and sometimes for me personally, a boundary is that I have absolutely nothing to do but I don't want to hear from you.
• 34:47
  Elaine Blais: Because just because my time is free doesn't mean I'm available for you.
• 34:52
  Elaine Blais: Right.
• 34:52
  Elaine Blais: And that's okay.
• 34:53
  Elaine Blais: That's part of self-care.
• 34:55
  Elaine Blais: I'm very much an introvert, although I call myself a social introvert cause I love people.
• 35:00
  Elaine Blais: But I recharge by being, by myself, being quiet, being still being curled up with a book, whatever.
• 35:07
  Elaine Blais: And there are times where I just don't want a people.
• 35:09
  Elaine Blais: I don't, and it's okay.
• 35:12
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah, because it's your way of re-energizing, refreshing, and growing.
• 35:18
  Elaine Blais: Yeah.
• 35:19
  Carmen Hecox: If you had a client, maybe you already have a client, they came to you and you both have identified that this lady or this woman is lacking self-care.
• 35:29
  Carmen Hecox: She has overexerted herself, catering to everybody else, not to herself.
• 35:36
  Carmen Hecox: What tips or what practical advice would you give her to begin to practice self-care?
• 35:43
  Carmen Hecox: And kind of like the beginner's guide to self-care.
• 35:49
  Carmen Hecox: Because a lot of people, like you had mentioned before, think self-care is going to the spa, getting their nails done, and it's more deeper.
• 35:57
  Elaine Blais: Yeah, I think true self-care is deeper than that.
• 35:59
  Elaine Blais: Although, I love going to the spa and getting all that stuff done.
• 36:03
  Elaine Blais: But it's not, those things don't happen daily, and self-care is really daily practice.
• 36:11
  Elaine Blais: So, what I would probably want someone who is really overextended in that way to do, and we would talk about what she wants, right?
• 36:21
  Elaine Blais: We would talk about what the life is she wants to create because oftentimes we are wanting something, but we're not being the person that can have that.
• 36:33
  Elaine Blais: So, we don't, we don't really attract into our lives what we want.
• 36:36
  Elaine Blais: We attract who we're being.
• 36:39
  Elaine Blais: So, if someone wants to live a more balanced life, for example, then they're going to have to identify what it means to them to be a balanced person and start to act in that way.
• 36:53
  Elaine Blais: So, I think the first thing I would ask her to do is to just take time.
• 37:02
  Elaine Blais: Give herself five minutes in the morning to sit still and quiet.
• 37:08
  Elaine Blais: Whether she does that as a meditation, whether she journals give herself five minutes for herself.
• 37:16
  Elaine Blais: We start really small.
• 37:18
  Elaine Blais: And then we talk about what happens in that five minutes.
• 37:21
  Elaine Blais: You know, for a lot of people, they're going to want to get up after a minute and a half.
• 37:26
  Elaine Blais: I'm like, no, I have things to do.
• 37:28
  Elaine Blais: Exactly, which is why we need to learn to sit and be.
• 37:32
  Elaine Blais: Because those things are going to wait.
• 37:34
  Elaine Blais: And we are very much conditioned to be doing.
• 37:38
  Elaine Blais: To be busy, to be productive.
• 37:43
  Elaine Blais: But that's not who we are.
• 37:44
  Elaine Blais: That's a cultural belief that we subscribe to.
• 37:49
  Elaine Blais: In the collective consciousness, right?
• 37:50
  Elaine Blais: Not all of us individually, but collectively.
• 37:54
  Elaine Blais: And until we can begin to extract ourselves from that a little at a time and allow other ideas to come through, just be in the nothingness for a few minutes, we're going to continue to be caught up in that.
• 38:08
  Elaine Blais: And we're not going to free ourselves from the harried life that we are trying to get ourselves out of.
• 38:15
  Elaine Blais: You know, I've had, um, I've had women come to me and talk about overwhelm.
• 38:22
  Elaine Blais: And I can think of one in particular who would talk about, she would say, my overwhelm.
• 38:28
  Elaine Blais: My overwhelm isn't as bad as my mother's.
• 38:30
  Elaine Blais: And I thought, so tell me about your overwhelm.
• 38:35
  Elaine Blais: Because we tend to talk about those things like they're real things that we have that exist in our life.
• 38:41
  Elaine Blais: When they're really things that we feel when we overburden ourselves.
• 38:47
  Elaine Blais: And it's really interesting to hear those stories and to help women shift the story, right?
• 38:54
  Elaine Blais: I am not overwhelmed.
• 38:56
  Elaine Blais: I might feel it, but that's not what or who I am.
• 39:00
  Elaine Blais: And now I have a choice if I want to change that.
• 39:03
  Carmen Hecox: And so, for the women watching or listening to us speak right now, and they're feeling inspired, how can they begin to work with you?
• 39:14
  Elaine Blais: There's a couple of ways.
• 39:16
  Elaine Blais: Um, I work mostly one-on-one with clients, and they can find me on my website, which is elaineblais.com or email me at elaine@elaineblais.com and that's B L A I S.
• 39:32
  Elaine Blais: And um, I often will offer group workshops and programs.
• 39:39
  Elaine Blais: Um, which would always be listed on my website when they're available.
• 39:43
  Elaine Blais: One of my favorites is a six-week program called Women Writing Their Lives.
• 39:48
  Elaine Blais: And so how do we go from the story we're telling ourselves today to the story of the life we want to live and begin creating that for ourselves?
• 39:55
  Elaine Blais: How do we reclaim our power to really have agency over our life and live into those dreams?
• 40:01
  Elaine Blais: And that will be coming up again in the fall.
• 40:05
  Carmen Hecox: And is that like a web program or is that a workshop in a one-on-one environment.
• 40:13
  Elaine Blais: That is a virtual group program that runs for six weeks.
• 40:19
  Carmen Hecox: Oh, that's great.
• 40:22
  Carmen Hecox: And so, you said, when will those programs start up again?
• 40:27
  Elaine Blais: Yes, Women Writing Their Lives, I usually run spring and fall, so it should be starting up again sometime September timeframe after everybody's done with summer.
• 40:41
  Carmen Hecox: When women are really focusing down.
• 40:44
  Carmen Hecox: Do you have a particular message or piece of advice that you can give the listeners watchers today?
• 40:55
  Elaine Blais: Hmm.
• 40:56
  Elaine Blais: Yeah.
• 40:57
  Elaine Blais: I think the one thing that we don't do well as women, and that's really because of the way we are raised, conditioned, programmed, whatever you want to call it, I think we've learned not to trust ourselves.
• 41:16
  Elaine Blais: And I think the biggest thing we can do for ourselves, the best thing we can do for ourselves is start listening to what we really want and trust that what we hear is the right thing for us.
• 41:29
  Elaine Blais: Self-trust is huge.
• 41:32
  Carmen Hecox: Where can people find you other than your website?
• 41:35
  Elaine Blais: So, my website, yep.
• 41:37
  Elaine Blais: Again, my website, elaineblais.com.
• 41:39
  Elaine Blais: I am also on Instagram at Elaine Blais Coaching, and I have a Facebook community called a Difficult Woman Collective, and that is where we have conversations about reclaiming what has been used against us being difficult as women as a problem, and really embracing those parts of ourselves because that's where our power is.
• 42:03
  Carmen Hecox: Okay, I will make sure to include all of your information in my show notes, all your links, your website, everything.
• 42:11
  Carmen Hecox: That'll all be in the show notes.
• 42:13
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine, thank you so much for taking the time to graces with your presence and your amazing message.
• 42:23
  Elaine Blais: Thank you, Carmen.
• 42:24
  Elaine Blais: Thank you for the opportunity and it was wonderful to have this conversation with you.
• 42:28
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine calls herself a midlife troublemaker because she encourages women to become difficult women as a means of creating the life they want to live.
• 42:38
  Carmen Hecox: She believes that women should be assertive and stand up for themselves, and they should not be afraid to challenge the status quo.
• 42:48
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine's message is empowering and inspiring, and it has helped women make positive changes in their life.
• 42:56
  Carmen Hecox: One takeaway from Elaine's discussion is the importance of taking time for yourself.
• 43:01
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine encourages women to take five minutes each day to just stop, be still.
• 43:10
  Carmen Hecox: This simple practice can help women to relax and de-stress, and it can also help them to focus on what's important in their lives.
• 43:21
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine's advice is practical and easy to follow.
• 43:24
  Carmen Hecox: And it's essential for women who want to put themselves first by taking time for themselves and being assertive, women can create the life they want to live.
• 43:36
  Carmen Hecox: So my challenge for you is to start today.
• 43:40
  Carmen Hecox: Join me in taking five minutes daily to be still Be quiet.
• 43:47
  Carmen Hecox: If you want to join Elaine's six week program, Women Writing Their Lives head on over to elaineblais.com.
• 43:55
  Carmen Hecox: Elaine's information and today's transcripts can be found at createthebestme.com/ep028.
• 44:06
  Carmen Hecox: If this episode resonated with you, please hit subscribe to, stay updated.
• 44:11
  Carmen Hecox: Join me next week as we will dive into the topic of emotional wellbeing.
• 44:17
  Carmen Hecox: This is an episode packed with actionable steps, so please make sure not to miss it.
• 44:22
  Carmen Hecox: And there is a freebie, so you'll wanna come back.
• 44:25
  Carmen Hecox: Until then, keep dreaming big, take care of yourself.
• 44:30
  Carmen Hecox: And remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself.
• 44:36
  Carmen Hecox: Thank you for watching, catch you next week.
• 44:39
  Carmen Hecox: Bye for now.