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ADHD and Perfectionism: Why "Good Enough" Doesn't Compute (and What to Do About It) · Quick Wins for ADHD Moms - Short Episodes, Real Solutions for Burnout and Overwhelm

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you heard me say this last episode, but before we start into this episode, I just want to remind you about something that is out on Kickstarter right now, and it genuinely caught my attention.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever picked up your phone to start a timer and ended up distracted instead, you'll get why FocusSOR stands out.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: FocusOR is a physical focus companion that helps you start without opening another app.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: You twist and click to begin.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And in deep focus mode, it creates a real pause between you and your phone.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So just one quick check is easier to stop before it turns into a spiral.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when you finish a session, you get a visual reward that makes consistency feel encouraging instead of punishing.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: If that sounds more doable than trying to outwillpower your phone, it's on Kickstarter right now.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Tab the link in the show notes to back focus or an early bird price and be among the first to get one.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right now in my son's bedroom, there's eight cereal bowls sitting in a circle in the middle of the floor.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Each bowl holds a different color of Lego.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: He organized them and he's very proud of that.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't get into his room and pick up the laundry, which he should be doing that.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: But that's besides the point at the moment.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I can't get over that cereal bowl Lego concoction without possibly knocking them over and ruining his life.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what's going on in his room right now.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just one child's room.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Also in my house right now, a huge pile of mail that I can't put away because if I do, I'll never get to paying the bills.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's garden plants growing sitting by my front window because we got snow last night in Pennsylvania.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to remind myself not to kill the tiny plants.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So bring them in when it's cold outside.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's folders on my laptop.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's stuff in my notion full of business ideas that I just kind of abandoned.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and I found some clear acrylic plastic piece like bins that I bought because I had an idea that I can organize my pantry, but it's kind of still sitting in the down on the downstairs counter because I just don't know exactly what to do with them yet.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But they're clear acrylic and they're perfect for a pantry, and I just don't know exactly what to do with them yet.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I try to keep things minimalist here at home, you know, on purpose because my brain needs visual calm to actually feel calm.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: But my house right now, not so calm because it takes so much work and finishing the cleaning to get to a calm place.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I just don't have the capacity at the moment to keep up because, you know, it's volleyball season and it's the end of school year, and I'm sure you can totally relate.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're listening and you're looking around your own house or your own car, and you've got 12 half-done projects going on right now: half-folded laundry, half-written emails, half-finished projects, half everything.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So today this one's for you.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's actually a neurological reason you struggle to finish things.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I had a conversation with a very dear friend this past week.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: We got together for coffee, and she's like, I'm really good at starting things, terrible at finishing it.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: But because she knows that, she's amazing at business and she has built her business and the skills around starting things, and then she's learned to hand them off.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if you struggle to finish things, there's actually a small doable thing that you can do today to start breaking the cycle.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So here's your quick win for today.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm giving it to you before the rest of the episode because, well, that's how we do things around here.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: We start off the show with quick wins, and then whether you stay and listen or not, you've got your quick win for the day and you can move on.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: All right, here's your quick win.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Pick one half-finished thing on your list today.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just one, not the biggest one, not the oldest one, not the one that just holds the most shame.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just one that you could realistically get to good enough today.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then drop it at 70%.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not 90, not 100.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just finish it at 70%.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm calling this the 70% drop.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: 70% means folding your laundry, but you know, not being a perfectionist about it, not color coordinated by person.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just fold it, throw it in the basket for that kid.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe 70% on the emails means sending it with one typo.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: 70% on dinner meals means, you know what?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight is sheet pan, whatever's in the fridge.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So our whole goal is to finish not perfect.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's clean enough.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's cozy, it's done.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Then if you want, you can text your BFF, send a photo, hashtag winning today.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's the whole move.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: In the rest of the episode, I'm gonna tell you why your brain specifically needs this.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why just lower your standards is hard advice to hear, even though that was another quick win on a previous episode, even though it was trying to help.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I think that will work for many of you.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: But for those of you, us, me, who struggle with a bit more of uh perfectionism, doing 70% and moving on is really hard.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why you need to listen today.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you what is exactly happening in your brain.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I had this conversation about how perfectionism is related to ADHD.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I don't get it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't see how it's related.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why I'm doing this episode today.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Did a little bit more research about that, and here we are.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectionism is one of the most common cognitive distortions reported in women with ADHD.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not occasional, most common.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And there's four doors into perfectionism.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna walk through them fast, and then we're gonna focus in on one for today.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Door one, perfectionism as armor.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us developed perfectionism as kids because we kept getting in trouble for ADHD stuff that we couldn't control.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Missed details, lost papers, forgetting things.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So the brain learned if I can just make it perfect, nobody can judge me.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I won't get in trouble.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So perfectionism became a protective armor.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Door two, the procrastination loop.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You probably know this one.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: The task has to be done perfectly.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: The brain can't figure out where to start, and then avoidance kicks in, and then shame builds, and the task now feels more impossible than when you first started.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like laziness from the outside, but it's actually paralysis from the inside.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I bet you feel that one.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Door three, RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Dr.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: William Dodson is the researcher who put RSD on the map.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: He says around 99% of people with ADHD experience it.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: 99%?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: RSD is an intense emotional pain response to criticism or perceived failure.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: For a lot of ADHD women, perfectionism is how we preempt that pain.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: If it's perfect, then nobody can criticize it.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: If nobody criticizes, the pain doesn't really hit.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or it hits a lot less.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then Dora 4 into perfectionism, this is the one that we're going to be talking specifically about today.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is something I didn't realize until recently that this all or nothing thinking.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what the science shows on that.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: ADHD brains default to black and white processing.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Something is either done right or it's not worth doing at all.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Good enough just doesn't compute.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: The fancy word for this is dichotomous thinking.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the wild part.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that it's a reaction to feeling out of control.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: When our brains are overstimulated and chaotic, we over-regulate the few things we feel we can control.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Our standards become impossibly high in one area because the rest feels impossibly unmanageable.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: So here's where neuroscience can get really interesting.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: PET scan research shows that the ADHD brain has actual dopamine reward pathway dysfunction.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're just not getting enough dopamine.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain's reward center is underfunctioning.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what that means.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Near the end of a task, the neurotypical brain gets a dopamine surge that pushes it through until it's done.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: But our brains do not.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: We literally run out of fuel right at the finish line.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine this: you're 80% done with a project, and your neurotypical friend's brain is giving her a hit of dopamine, going, all right, finish this.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You got this, it's right here.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: But your brain gives you nothing, just silence.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the task suddenly becomes impossibly boring and heavy.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily lack of willpower, it's actually neurology.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the reframe from this episode.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectionism is a symptom, it's not a character flaw.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: All or nothing thinking is a symptom not related to you or your character.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Running out of gas at 80% done is a symptom, it's not a character flaw.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've been trying to solve a neurological problem with self-discipline.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to finish it this time.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe it was never going to work.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you're weak, but because you're using the wrong tool.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: All right, now let's get practical about this.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how you actually do the 70% drop today.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Step one, pick the right thing.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: The mistake most ADHD moms make, and I've made this a thousand times, is that we pick the hardest things first.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: If we could just get this hardest thing out of the way, I'll be able to do everything else.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll have the capacity to do all of these other little things.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: We think if we can just finish that thing, I'll prove that I'm not broken and that I can be disciplined.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: But this is a trap, so don't do it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Pick the easiest thing.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you listen to Dave Ramsey, he talks about this with the debt snowball.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't pick the biggest debt first, you pick the small, little ones, you get these quick wins, and it starts building and building and building until all of a sudden the big one is done.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Same concept here.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Pick the easiest thing.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: The thing that's already pretty close to being done.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe the laundry that's washed but not folded.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: The email you drafted but didn't quite send yet.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: The 15-minute errand you've been putting off for three weeks, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Start here.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's already almost done.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not trying to prove anything.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're just trying to give your brain evidence.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Evidence that shipped at 70% is better than just sitting there at 100%.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: So step two, define what 70 looks like.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is sometimes the part we skip.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finish it is too vague for your ADHD brain.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain will default back to perfect, but it's not perfect yet, without a specific target on what finish looks like.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: So before you start, say it out loud.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: 70% on the laundry means separating the kids' clothes and chucking them all in separate laundry baskets.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: 70% is just sort it by person, maybe not folded, maybe not put away, maybe not color coordinated.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: But done means each child has their own basket of clean clothes.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then step three, externalize the dopamine.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that dopamine reward pathway we talked about earlier, the one that's under functioning?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna work around it.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when you finish at 70%, tell someone.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not for validation, but for dopamine.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Nice dopamine hit.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: External acknowledgement gives your brain a reward that your own wiring may not provide.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Text your BFF, say, hey, got my laundry done.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she writes back, amazing.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: There, there's a quick dopamine hit.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's a 2023 study from the ADHD Research Collaborative that found task initiation improves by 65% when someone else is present, even virtually.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's called body doubling.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can do a light version of it by texting a friend, I just photoed the laundry and I'm calling it done.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Send a picture, post it, text your sister, text your mom, whatever works.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't skip this step.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is what makes the habit stick.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then step four, do it again tomorrow.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not as a productivity system, but as a retraining your brain program.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain currently has a database full of evidence that says, if I don't do this perfectly, something bad happens.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: So what you're doing here is you're building a new database.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the only way to do that is through repetition.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Drop one thing at 70% and then feel the world not end.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then your brain takes note, and then you do it again tomorrow and then the next day.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And your brain takes another note and then another note.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm wondering if you start doing this in about two weeks of this, I wonder if you'll start seeing some small shifts.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: The all-or-nothing loop, maybe it might start to soften.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And not because you lowered your standards, but because you showed your brain that excellent and finished are not the same thing.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so if you're looking around your house right now and there's half-done things everywhere, the laundry, the bills, the emails, the business idea, the many business ideas stuck in that folder, the garden, the eight cereal bowls of Legos that your kid made in the middle of the floor, the crafts, the half-unpacked box from a move two years ago.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Those piles are not failure evidence.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just every one of those projects is something you cared enough to start.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Every one of them is a thing you thought could be beautiful or helpful.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not lazy.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: You really, really had high hopes for that.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the world is full of people who never start.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: They stay safe and they don't take risks.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: But with an ADHD brain, you're not one of those people.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: You start, you care about something and you dream.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And for an ADHD mom, starting is the brave part.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the world doesn't know this.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we write this off.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh yeah, I mean, I just started something else and it was easy, right?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're so good at starting things.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: It does become really easy.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm here to say you don't have to lower your standards to get everything done.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: If that helps you to lower your standards, to get everything done, not have such high expectations about how wonderful your home looks, okay, just lower your standards a little bit.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you don't want to.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: You've worked really hard to get where you are.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve a clean home and you deserve a clean brain.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve a beautiful space.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't need to lower your standards.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe you need a different scoreboard.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Excellence is a standard, but perfectionism becomes a cage.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Excellence says, I want this to be really, really good.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's all that's amazing.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: But perfectionism says if it's not 100%, it doesn't count.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's where the danger lies.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And our ADHD brains default to perfectionism because all or nothing is our basic wiring.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Excellence in ADHD life doesn't look perfect.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it just looks finished, clean enough, cozy, cared for, alive.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not settling, but that's actually thriving.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, quick recap.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectionism is one of the most common cognitive distortions in women with ADHD, and it's a symptom of your neurology, not your character.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain has a dopamine reward pathway that underfunctions.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you crash at 80%.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not willpower, it's biology.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: All or nothing thinking is your brain's default.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: So good enough doesn't compute.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer might not be to lower your standards.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: The answer is just to change the scoreboard.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: So the big move today is the 70% drop.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Pick one half-finished thing, something that's already almost done, something small, something close to done, and then drop it at 70%.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Define what that 70% looks like out loud, tell someone, and do it again tomorrow.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's finished.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not perfect, but it's finished.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your house is clean enough.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Your place is cozy.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want more of this or figure out, okay, where's this dopamine coming from?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's called the dopamine hit list.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a free download with actual practical moves you can grab today.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can find it at theadhdmom.com.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: The dopamine hit list, just some ideas to get started.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's thousands, thousands of ideas.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can even go on AI and ask, I need I have ADHD.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I need some dopamine hits.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like what can I do?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I've got one already started for you with different parts of the day.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you can find it at theadhdmom.com.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I will see you next week.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, remember, finished, not perfect.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectionism keeps you in a cage.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Clean enough, cozy enough.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing amazing, and I'll see you next week.