Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Birdy vs The Wicker Man

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Birdy vs The Wicker Man · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:00
Oh God. Oh my God.
0:13
You can always bleep out whatever I say, it's fine.
0:16
I haven't bleeped anything yet.
0:17
Oh, can I get a cool duck noise whenever I say something offensive?
0:21
Like only if you make the noise. OK.
0:23
You know, a couple of duck noises now, like run a couple.
0:26
Here's a. So like, give me a fuck, a crap, a shit.
0:29
I mean, those are all the same.
0:30
OK, so give me a motherfucker.
0:32
Give me one at a time.
0:34
Oh, fuck.
0:36
Crap. Shit.
0:44
Dickbuttballs.
0:46
That's good. I mean, I know how often you say dickbuttballs.
0:49
Yeah, it's a thing I do.
0:51
Awesome. Hi.
0:52
Welcome back to Cage match, colon a roundabout way of meeting Nicholas Cage.
0:56
I am one of your two hosts, Nick, sitting with my second of two hosts.
1:00
Sean. Wait a minute.
1:01
I got that backwards. Yeah, but I went with it.
1:03
So I'm Sean and I'm going to tell you all the racist,
1:06
terrible things I keep in my head.
1:10
This is they've not been drinking today either.
1:12
This is dangerous.
1:14
No, I'm Sean and that's Nick.
1:16
And I don't have a racist bone in my body.
1:20
With our.
1:21
Fuck you guys.
1:25
How's it going?
1:26
How's it going, Peter?
1:27
I have to think about all these clips.
1:29
I'm going to move around to make this sound not terrible.
1:32
Fuck you. Impossible.
1:34
That was that was comedy gold.
1:36
It was something.
1:38
But yes, this is this is the podcast where we use
1:42
horror life decisions in comedy to decide what is the best
1:46
all time Nicholas Cage film.
1:48
Mm hmm.
1:48
Before we get into it, speaking of more horror
1:52
like decisions, I would like to read you something sent to me by my ex spouse.
1:57
Thank God, I thought it was your poetry.
1:59
This is in response to something that was said in the last last episode.
2:03
They say, I unequivocally fucking hate mouth noises.
2:07
So put that in your podcast pipe and smoke it.
2:10
Thanks, dear.
2:14
There's some mouth noises for you.
2:15
Don't do it.
2:17
But anyway, yes, this week we have a treat for you.
2:22
The cage match this week is The Wicker Man
2:26
actual film and Birdie other actual film.
2:30
Yeah, no fake films today.
2:32
No, no, we're just going to talk about things that you can go out
2:36
and watch for yourself and formulate your own decisions.
2:38
I mean, no, don't formulate your own decisions. Listen to us.
2:41
Well, obviously, our decisions are correct. Yes.
2:43
But you can watch them and be like, those guys are smart, good looking.
2:48
They'll maybe listen to this podcast before you decide
2:50
whether or not to watch any of these movies.
2:54
I say always watch and then listen and argue.
2:58
If you watch the or watch the movies before you listen to the podcast,
3:02
then when we say things that you don't like,
3:06
you can just destroy us in the comments section.
3:09
Right. Or yell at your neighbor as is.
3:12
Yeah. Just shout it out. Your neighbor.
3:14
All right. So Birdie Birdie was a real enjoyable movie for me.
3:19
I really enjoyed it. I liked it a lot.
3:21
I thought it was a good watch, something I'd never heard about.
3:24
No, I mean, it's as old as us.
3:27
Yeah. As old as you two.
3:28
Yeah, no. 1984 Birdie, Matthew Modine and Nicolas Cage
3:33
play childhood friends who go to go to Vietnam.
3:38
When they come back, Birdie thinks he's a bird and Nicholas Cage Al has to.
3:45
That's a great wrap up of it.
3:47
Yeah. Really only talking about like a quarter of the movie.
3:52
I mean, that is that is the premise of the film that surrounds the other stuff.
3:56
There's two guys, their childhood friends.
3:59
They both end up going to Vietnam, one enlisted, one drafted.
4:04
One of them comes back with more severe
4:09
or, you know, more visibly severe PTSD
4:13
and the other comically bandaged,
4:17
comically disfigured, I would call them.
4:21
Oh, I was thinking Birdie's is more visibly severe PTSD.
4:25
Oh, you don't really get like Al's PTSD so much until.
4:30
I thought you meant more just the physical.
4:32
The form the deformity of Nicolas Cage.
4:35
No, because like it just brings more, I think, to the table.
4:40
Like Nicolas Cage, like his face is bandaged when he was in Vietnam.
4:44
He was hit with a bomb like or an explosion.
4:48
And that ended up like fucking up his face.
4:52
You kind of meet his character in the present times after his surgery.
4:58
The doctor is like, oh, you know, he's a little bit of a
5:01
butchered man, and he's a little bit of a
5:03
man and he's a little bit of a
5:05
bastard, and it's like, oh, you know, you can get these bandages off
5:09
when you come back from seeing your friend.
5:12
Well, we did a skin graft.
5:14
It's going to itch. Cool.
5:16
And your ear might fall off.
5:18
Yeah, and they kind of like treated as like, oh, you know,
5:21
your wounds are only skin deep.
5:23
Well, as you progress with his character in this timeframe,
5:28
is PTSD and you see like it's, it affected more people differently than
5:36
just thinking they're birds.
5:39
Yeah.
5:39
Not everybody came out of Vietnam thinking they were a bird.
5:43
Just, just birding.
5:44
Quote us, quote us on that.
5:45
Yeah.
5:46
Well, I'm sure you guys probably saw this when you did your deep dives, but, um, I
5:51
was fascinated by the fact that he actually pulled out some of his teeth for this role.
5:55
Two of them.
5:56
Yeah.
5:56
Without anesthesia.
5:57
I didn't read that part, but that tracks and I like it.
6:00
Two teeth removed without anesthesia to give himself more of a bombed face.
6:08
This guy as an actor, we're talking about Nicholas Cage.
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Nicholas Cage is just, he commits.
6:14
He's a craftsman.
6:15
Yeah.
6:16
This is why I kind of joked about it during the adaptation episode.
6:19
I can't believe he didn't just gain 50 pounds.
6:22
Oh, he also lost 15 pounds.
6:25
He lost 15.
6:26
Which I mean, that doesn't sound like a whole lot, but if you see him at the beginning of
6:30
the movie.
6:30
Right now, it's, it's rough.
6:32
At the beginning of the movie, like Nicholas Cage is fucking jacked.
6:35
Yeah.
6:35
Like in high school, the character is a wrestler and you see him lifting weights at one point.
6:41
And he's like, he's fucking cut.
6:43
I do enjoy the first time we see Nicholas Cage as a high schooler.
6:47
He's hanging out with actual teenagers.
6:49
Oh yeah.
6:49
It is just shocking the juxtaposition of 14 year olds with adult Nicholas Cage, who is,
6:58
as Nick pointed out, cut.
7:01
Yeah.
7:02
He's got those deep cum gutters.
7:05
Those gutters.
7:07
Didn't you guys have like one person at your high school who was just like weirdly an adult?
7:12
Yes.
7:12
His name was Rocco and he drove, he drove an IROC and he.
7:18
Incredible.
7:19
He was dating the hottest blonde chick in school.
7:21
Like he was the stereotype.
7:24
Oh, we just had a guy who was 14 who had like full on male pattern baldness, like had no hair.
7:30
Not like alopecia, but like just widow's peak all the way like back of his ears.
7:36
Sure.
7:36
That's the guy who gets you beer.
7:39
Yeah.
7:39
Let's get back to Birdie or whatever.
7:42
So we never learned Birdie's actual name in the film.
7:45
No, he's always just Birdie.
7:47
I thought for a while his name was just actually Birdie and his mother hates his obsession with
7:52
birds and like fucking named the kid.
7:54
I mean, a lot of great physical acting from Matthew Modine just sitting by toilets hunched over.
8:02
Just burden about.
8:03
Just burden about.
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Al even calls him out on his inability to hop like a bird, fly like a bird,
8:11
eat like a bird, drink like a bird, shit like a bird.
8:14
Have we actually like accurately said what this movie's about?
8:19
I think so.
8:20
Dude thinks he's a bird and he's in a mental institution.
8:22
That's the part we left out.
8:24
OK, so he's in a military hospital.
8:27
Military hospital.
8:29
They bring his buddy, Alan, played by Nicholas Gage to help him kind of like see if they can
8:35
jog anything out of him because he's unresponsive.
8:38
He just like squats around and like those weird bird poses and.
8:42
Oh, yeah, they don't the hospital doesn't know about the whole bird thing.
8:45
Yes.
8:45
No, he's unresponsive.
8:46
And the movie is just a series of like flashbacks taking place from Al's point of view, basically,
8:54
as he meets and develops a friendship with Birdie, how everything kind of relates back.
9:05
So how like kind of like his fall into birdness.
9:11
Birditude.
9:11
Birditude.
9:13
The flashbacks are just kind of cut in to the story of Al trying to help his buddy kind of.
9:20
Well, there's some interesting juxtapositions they add there because a lot of these stories are
9:25
completely disconnected.
9:27
Kind of.
9:28
Well, OK, like the flashbacks don't necessarily lead to the next flashback,
9:33
but the flashbacks do tie into what's going on in like real time or like current day time, knowing
9:42
about the the baseball baseball hit over.
9:46
Yeah, Birdie's mom would keep all the baseballs that came over their fence,
9:51
but no one ever saw them again.
9:53
Yeah, Birdie couldn't even find them.
9:55
I'm trying to remember the connection with the car.
9:57
Well, because they talk about his arrest history, Al's arrest history,
10:04
when he goes to visit because they're kind of feeling him out for whether he needs to be in a
10:08
mental institute.
10:09
Yeah, that doctor is a dick.
10:11
Yeah.
10:11
Oh, that doctor is a dick, but his secretary fucking rules, dude.
10:16
I wish I could just hang out and like spit on shit all the time.
10:20
Oh, I mean, I don't want like Vietnam PTSD, but pretty cool secretary.
10:25
Pretty cool secretary.
10:27
I mean, we just how shitty is that you're like you're told you're going to visit your friend to
10:30
help him.
10:32
And all the while, you're just everyone's telling you, hey, maybe you're crazy and should be in
10:36
here.
10:36
That seems like a lot.
10:38
I thought one thing with the car situation that was interesting is that Birdie is like pretty
10:42
passive.
10:43
Yeah.
10:43
I mean, he's adventurous, like he jumps off the fucking grain silo or whatever.
10:48
But then it's a refinery.
10:49
Oh, so he doesn't seem like somebody who wants to fight.
10:51
And then he gets so mad at Al's dad in that scene.
10:56
I think he's like he's very focused in his passion with things like most of the time.
11:02
It's birds.
11:04
But preceding the scene with the car, you've got Birdie and Al.
11:13
They dress up like pigeons.
11:15
Birdie makes him a pigeon suit.
11:16
They dress up.
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They go to a refinery.
11:19
They're stealing pigeons or capturing pigeons.
11:23
OK.
11:23
Their friendship develops initially.
11:26
Because of a bit.
11:28
Yeah.
11:29
And it just becomes this thing.
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So Birdie is catching and training pigeons because he thinks it would be cool.
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Al gets into it because some kid says that he thinks it would be cool and he would pay for one.
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And Al's like, OK, that's cool.
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But then he starts talking to Birdie and becomes friends with him.
11:46
The kid's name is Mario, who is a piece of shit.
11:49
Oh, anybody named Mario is a piece of shit.
11:51
Well, because the way Birdie and Al meet is Mario's like, hey, that that bird kid's out on the porch.
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He's got my pocket knife.
12:00
So Al goes up and he's like, I got a splinter.
12:03
Can I borrow your knife?
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And Birdie pulls out a pocket knife.
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And Mario's like, that's my knife.
12:08
He's got my knife.
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So Al proceeds to start trying to kick Birdie's ass to get the knife back.
12:12
When it turns out it was stolen by another kid and then sold to Birdie.
12:17
And it's like you.
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I was like, you told me this guy stole your knife.
12:19
I was like, no, I just said he had my knife.
12:20
I'm like, fuck you, Mario.
12:22
Fun bit in that scene when Al is trying to like grapple Birdie, he like Birdie keeps kind of slipping out.
12:33
And afterwards, once they've kind of realized the confusion and gotten over it all, Al's like, hey,
12:40
were you ever do you wrestle?
12:43
Are you a wrestler?
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Because Al's a wrestler.
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And it's my one defining character trait.
12:48
Yeah.
12:49
And Birdie's like, no, but I think it was later that year.
12:54
Matthew Modine appeared in the movie Vision Quest, which is a wrestling movie.
13:03
Weird connection.
13:03
That's all.
13:04
It's also been in like three Vietnam movies.
13:08
Well, yeah.
13:09
Yeah.
13:09
Modine has been.
13:10
Yeah.
13:11
Full metal jacket, this and one other, which I can't remember what it was called.
13:15
Did you see that he actually entered or auditioned for the owl role?
13:19
Yeah.
13:20
Yeah.
13:21
And then was surprised when he didn't get it.
13:23
Yeah.
13:23
It's like, like you have big introvert energy.
13:27
You need to be Birdie.
13:29
Going back to the whole car story, though, I mean, was Birdie's fascination
13:33
because Birdie's fascination with birds is their ability to fly initially.
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So is his fascination with the car when he gets so pissed off on Al's dad
13:42
sells their car, the car that they rebuild, is that because the car was his way out of
13:49
Philly that he just wanted to like explore and leave and couldn't.
13:53
And then because he becomes so much more introverted and starts living in his little
14:00
bird coop that he's built into his room more after the fact.
14:05
I took it more.
14:06
OK, so I'm going to go back to what I was saying in the preceding flashback
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with all the pigeons and everything, there came a moment where they're stealing pigeons
14:16
or catching pigeons.
14:18
He is falling off of a refinery silo thing and decides like he can jump off and make
14:27
it to the sand pile and be OK.
14:30
He gets hurt in the process.
14:31
His mom freaks out afterwards and she destroys his pigeon aviary and everything.
14:38
So like takes away all of his like toys, basically.
14:41
Yeah.
14:43
My thoughts are that in the next flashback, when they start talking about this car,
14:49
it's like a sort of behavioral thing, like somebody who gets so into something
14:53
and then is told like, you can't have that.
14:56
You can't like talk about it.
14:58
You can't do it.
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They've taken away everything.
15:00
You just throw yourself so far into something else that now it's like, well, I can't bird
15:07
without being bitched at by my mom because parents just don't understand.
15:13
And so I'm going to go super hard on this car with my buddy.
15:19
I mean, he tries.
15:20
He tries to be a normal person ish, but almost always for Al's sake.
15:25
Yeah.
15:26
Al wants him to do this thing with him.
15:28
He can't like he's being grounded from being a bird.
15:31
So most of Al's ideas involve finding finding boobs.
15:36
Oh, yeah.
15:36
He loves a good boob.
15:37
He loves a good boo.
15:39
A lot of a lot of groping in this film.
15:43
I mean, not a lot, but do I think kids in the 60s were touching boobs?
15:49
Yep, I do.
15:50
Yeah.
15:51
Do I think they use the language that we see in the film?
15:56
I mean, there's no real rough language.
15:58
No.
15:59
At one time, there's a question of like, oh, you two were friends.
16:05
You hung out a lot in school.
16:06
And it's like, well, we're not queer for each other.
16:08
It's like, OK.
16:09
Yeah, that's about it.
16:11
Around the time of Vietnam.
16:13
And he doesn't say it in a hateful fashion.
16:16
He's just like, well, we weren't we weren't lovers.
16:20
Did I think it was a poor representation of filmmaking from the 60s?
16:25
Filmmaking from the 80s?
16:26
No, I've seen way worse.
16:28
I do love, though, just this era of film has such great abrasive ambient music.
16:38
Oh, are you dogging on Peter Gabriel?
16:41
I am not dogging on Peter Gabriel because it is just a it is a thing in movies of the 80s,
16:48
specifically around this time, where just ambient music for a scene is never just like it's.
16:59
A lot of electronic, a lot of just loud in your face music that is all there.
17:04
OK, this is actually really important.
17:07
Peter Gabriel was originally lined up to produce the music for this and
17:14
his agent or whatever is like, he doesn't have time for that.
17:17
He he takes way too fucking long to make anything.
17:20
So they end up kind of just getting him to do the score and they do it by having him
17:25
go back through things he's recorded previously and just has around.
17:30
And then they used brand new computer technology.
17:34
So this is the first time it was like,
17:37
like largely embraced in the film industry to use this technology to make it.
17:42
So he started that.
17:44
This is the the progenitor.
17:46
All right. That's pretty cool.
17:47
In that same vein, the there's a scene after Bertie goes to the prom, touches his first boob.
17:55
Presumably.
17:56
I mean, he gives it a nice little like like undercut, like lift and drop,
18:01
but goes home to his bird, sleeps in the coop, but has his dream of flying
18:09
and that flying scene throughout the neighborhood and around.
18:12
That was also the first time like the flight cam had been invented.
18:15
Yeah, the invention of the sky cam.
18:17
Yeah, it also only worked in the first take and didn't work in like subsequent takes.
18:24
Yeah, because they couldn't get it to like go the wires right.
18:28
So they had to switch back to a steady cam on an improvised boom
18:32
because they wanted it to be faster than the original sky cam shot.
18:35
I read that as well.
18:37
I mean, but this is also like the progenitor of like Sam Raimi's Spider-Man.
18:40
Yeah, no, there's great technology and advances being made in this little, like,
18:46
12 million dollar indie movie.
18:49
In the background, a lot of these scenes, you see Bertie working on his wings.
18:54
Yeah, that's a fun scene.
18:56
They go out to to the dump and Bertie has his ornithopter.
19:03
Ornithopter wings ornithopter wings.
19:05
He's been building a small one that flies around his classroom
19:07
while he's talking about how cool bird wings are.
19:09
And so I was like, that's you know, that's a pretty big drop.
19:13
And Bertie's explaining gravity and how he won't like pick up that much speed from falling.
19:17
I'm like, Bertie doesn't understand gravity at all.
19:20
But they need a certain amount of speed to get him going.
19:23
So he gets on the handlebars of Al's bike and Al starts like, oh, no, it's it's Bertie's bike
19:29
because he specifically says, don't go over the edge.
19:32
I don't want you fucking up my bike.
19:33
It's true.
19:34
So and then Bertie is airborne.
19:37
Yeah, he glides down the hill.
19:39
Yeah.
19:40
And then crashes into sewage.
19:43
Yeah.
19:44
Yeah.
19:44
Dump pond and dump pond like that dump pond going down the old dump pond.
19:52
Going to get some dump fish.
19:53
I got something even for this scene.
19:55
OK, go for it.
19:57
Yeah.
19:57
So when they shot this scene in the dump with Bertie going over the edge and everything,
20:03
they were like, OK, this is an issue.
20:06
This is initially there were concerns about shooting at this landfill because of the
20:12
methane smells and like the general uncleanliness of it.
20:16
But when they do the scene where he flies off the edge, they were like, OK,
20:21
this is pretty rough.
20:22
This is dangerous.
20:24
We're going to have him land in this pond.
20:26
And they tested the water and they were like, that is just straight up toxic.
20:30
We can't have Matthew Modine or a stunt man or anybody contacting that.
20:36
So they dug their own manmade pond inside of the dump for him to land in.
20:42
That's how little money this movie was made on that they just shot an actual dump.
20:47
They shot in Philly and Santa Clara, I think.
20:52
Yeah, I think that's right.
20:53
Interesting.
20:54
Yeah.
20:55
So let's go back to Bertie in the hospital.
20:57
Al is increasingly getting a bit more erratic.
21:01
He is told they're just going to ship his friend off to be drugged in a hospital
21:07
somewhere for the rest of his life.
21:09
Yeah.
21:09
Al's being his own sanity is being questioned at the time and they're just going to ship
21:13
them off back to base.
21:15
So he is getting more abrasive and angry at Bertie and at himself.
21:21
Yeah, time's running out for Al or in Al's mind.
21:25
And his Hail Mary is to call Bertie's mom and have her mail all the baseballs
21:34
that she'd kept over the years because she must have been burying them.
21:38
They're pretty dirty.
21:39
So they showed up like, oh, that is a that is a lot of spite, lady.
21:43
Yeah, it was a suitcase full of baseballs that he just pours out over the floor.
21:48
And it's like, Bertie, look, it's the baseballs.
21:50
Your mom kept them.
21:51
I'm like, that's I mean, everything about that's weird.
21:54
Yeah. And it doesn't really get the response he wants.
21:58
I mean, it kind of leads to it.
22:00
I mean, it really isn't until like they are alone and they're about to after Al
22:06
threatens the nurse and gets very I'm not going to leave here.
22:10
You know, you're going to have to force me to leave.
22:11
And she runs off to get the orderlies that Bertie's finally just like pipes up and he's
22:16
just like, calm the fuck down, buddy.
22:17
Yeah. Yeah.
22:18
He just comes out with like, oh, I haven't been so long.
22:21
I haven't been speaking because I didn't feel like I needed to.
22:23
It's like, well. Oh, yeah.
22:24
Then the doctor shows up and it's like, he talked, he talked.
22:26
And the doctor's like, no, he didn't say he did.
22:28
Bertie talking.
22:29
Bertie doesn't say shit.
22:30
And the doctor, like, runs out.
22:33
It's like, why can't you fucking say anything?
22:34
Like, I have anything to say.
22:36
Yeah. Fucking guy doing it all for you, bro.
22:41
I don't know.
22:42
So then, you know, this is interspersed with some non flashbacks for both of them.
22:47
And then they're on the run, like through the hospital.
22:49
Bertie, who's been crouched this whole time, hobbling along
22:54
and they make their way to the roof.
22:55
And Bertie takes his final flight.
22:57
Yeah. Bertie climbs up onto the lip, the edge of the roof.
23:01
And Al's at the door, like trying to barricade it and looks to see Bertie, like,
23:06
lift his arms and it's like, Bertie, no.
23:09
And Bertie jumps and Al runs to the edge, shocked and wide eyed.
23:15
And it cuts to Bertie being just about four feet down on another landing
23:18
and being like, what credits?
23:21
Yeah. Yeah.
23:22
What do you think about the ending?
23:24
I thought the ending was just a fucking cherry on top.
23:26
I did. I love the ending.
23:29
Nick, you got a quote?
23:31
I got a couple here.
23:32
So I need to pull it up.
23:33
All right.
23:35
I was really a big fan of when Bertie presents Al with his pigeon suit,
23:43
like a suit made of like pigeon feathers from their coop.
23:46
Like, and Bertie's like, this way they'll think you're one of them.
23:48
And Al just goes, but I don't want the pigeon to think I'm one of them, Bertie.
23:54
When Al is trying to talk to Bertie about how great boobs are and Bertie's just like,
24:05
I don't see what's so great about them.
24:07
It's just like a cow's but in the wrong spot.
24:10
And Al's just like, what?
24:12
No, you're an idiot.
24:13
I enjoyed that.
24:14
I don't have the actual quote.
24:15
I'm not going to read it to you.
24:16
I also did like when they're at the shore and Bertie gets obsessed with how long he can hold
24:21
his breath for.
24:23
It's like, count for me, Al.
24:24
And Al's just one Mississippi, two Mississippi.
24:26
And like Bertie just stays under the water for a long time.
24:29
It's like 14 Mississippi, 15 Mississippi.
24:31
It's the 15th Mississippi, Bertie.
24:33
You have 15 Mississippi.
24:35
That's 15.
24:37
I don't remember the exact moment this happens.
24:38
I think it was in the Insane Asylum, but he...
24:42
Bertie says, Al, I flew.
24:44
And then the cage goes, you flew?
24:46
How you flew.
24:47
How you flew was good.
24:52
I do have just one more I want to share.
24:54
It's when it's in the Insane Asylum and it's when they're like going to take Al away from
24:59
Bertie and Al's just shaking.
25:01
Bertie was like, it's time to start flapping your wings and beeping, Bertie.
25:07
That's good.
25:07
This movie was pretty good.
25:08
It was.
25:09
It was a great movie.
25:10
It's very enjoyable.
25:12
I think it really suffered from their attempt at getting it into awards.
25:17
They gave it a limited release.
25:20
I actually had one last piece of trivia.
25:24
Al's last name, Columbata, is a reference to the genus or species of pigeon,
25:33
Columba or Columbus or something like that.
25:35
Interesting.
25:36
So it's a direct reference to a bird.
25:38
So it's a direct reference to birds again.
25:41
That's cool.
25:42
So someone's paying attention.
25:44
Yeah.
25:44
This is the informational podcast.
25:47
This is a science podcast now, and we're giving you all the hard sciences.
25:51
Brief sidebar.
25:52
Did you notice in the credits for Bertie that they listed all the birds?
25:56
Yes.
25:57
The birds got listed in the credit scene.
25:59
I didn't.
26:00
And that's awesome.
26:01
Herd has a stunt bird.
26:03
Yep.
26:03
Well, they also had, I mean, it was like a shit ton of animals that were involved.
26:07
There was an actual animal handler in the movie who handled like there was like 84 pigeons,
26:14
some 14 canaries or some shit.
26:16
A bunch of dogs.
26:17
A bunch of dogs.
26:18
Like cats or something for some reason.
26:20
Yeah.
26:21
It was wild.
26:22
It was a real animal film.
26:24
Animal lovers.
26:25
So the Wicker Man.
26:26
So the Wicker Man, California Highway Patrol officer Nicholas Cage.
26:31
I just rewatched this this morning.
26:33
I already passed on his name.
26:35
Ed Mayless.
26:35
Ed Mayless.
26:36
He.
26:37
Latin for male or derived from the same prefix for male, which is funny because of the island.
26:44
Yeah.
26:45
I mean, it's pretty hand fisted.
26:47
Yeah, it is.
26:47
After Neil, which is also what I call masturbation.
26:50
It is ridiculous.
26:50
Who are you, Nick?
26:52
Do we have to talk about Wicker Man, though?
26:55
Yes.
26:55
Like we could just do a two hour podcast on Bertie.
26:59
No, no.
27:00
I mean, you can.
27:01
That could be that could be how this one goes.
27:03
I'm going to low key say right now, I love Wicker Man.
27:06
OK, we're continuing for them.
27:08
All of its terrible.
27:09
Yes.
27:11
So like way back at the beginning, though, there's the truck stop.
27:15
Yes.
27:15
Which makes no sense.
27:16
It is important.
27:17
Aaron Eckhart is in the background in one of those scenes.
27:20
Like, what the fuck?
27:22
This movie has weird.
27:23
There's weird cameo.
27:24
Yeah.
27:24
OK, so he goes and gets like a little girl drops her doll out of a car.
27:28
I can go back.
27:29
Oh, you want to hear what I have to say about this?
27:31
Yeah, I do.
27:33
I'm not just here for comic relief.
27:36
Yeah.
27:36
So like, it's kind of important.
27:40
Like you get to set up a lot of mental instability questions.
27:46
I'll talk through this with details and we'll see where we get.
27:50
Nicholas Cage, chips cop.
27:53
He's just riding around being a chips cop doing cool motorcycle maneuvers,
27:57
which is to say riding straight.
27:59
I do like the one guy pulls over, though.
28:02
He's like, no, I pulled you over and the guy was just like, yeah.
28:04
Yeah.
28:05
I mean, that's how I respond to cops.
28:07
Few words as possible.
28:09
Yeah, I know what you pulled me over.
28:11
You're a dick.
28:12
And there it is.
28:15
We got a lot of love for the boys in blue here.
28:18
The blue man group, right?
28:20
Yeah, obviously.
28:22
Anyway, you're saying.
28:23
So he's riding along, goes through a couple of routine stops.
28:27
You get to him following a station wagon.
28:31
Little girl throws a doll out the window.
28:34
He's cool.
28:35
He can lean over and pick up a doll while riding his motorcycle.
28:39
Let me tell you, that would be very difficult to put your weight off that far
28:44
to scoop something up off the ground while riding on a motorcycle.
28:48
Also, it's it's road trash at that point.
28:51
Yeah, you pull them over for littering, you ticket them and say, go pick up your day.
28:55
And all well.
28:59
And then when he like gives a girl back her doll, she immediately like throws it out
29:02
the window again in front of him.
29:03
But when he goes to pick up the doll, you hear that of the truck that slams into the
29:09
station wagon.
29:10
No, there's so much still.
29:12
God damn, Sean.
29:14
Why can't you just watch a movie and remember things?
29:17
Nick is our context guy.
29:19
So he gives the doll back.
29:20
He kind of like, you know, is cool.
29:23
Like, hey, I'm a motorcycle cop.
29:25
Oh, it's all right.
29:26
Kids do these things.
29:27
Why did you throw it out the window?
29:29
And she's like, I was bored.
29:31
And it's like, you're a shitty kid.
29:33
And then she throws it out the window again.
29:37
And he goes and gets it.
29:38
And immediately, like as he turns around, the car is panicked by a fucking semi,
29:46
which then catches on fire.
29:47
Not the semi immediately.
29:49
Yeah, that station wagon is made of wicker.
29:52
Yeah.
29:52
And so he tried with her wagon wicker wagon.
29:57
I'd read that wicker wagon.
29:59
So he's like trying to get this like kid and everything out of the car.
30:02
And he like smashes the window and the kids looking at him like she's still bored.
30:07
And it's like, well, that's weird.
30:09
And then it exploded.
30:11
Well, the kid and the lady disappear from the car.
30:16
They're not visible in the car anymore.
30:18
The camera cuts, cuts back and it's like, oh, where are they?
30:21
And then it explodes throwing Nicolas Cage back.
30:24
He continues to have throughout the movie flashbacks going back to this moment.
30:29
But then like sometimes in the flashback, there's people in the car.
30:33
Sometimes there's not.
30:34
When he talks to his partner, he even asks, did they ever find the people?
30:39
Yeah.
30:39
And no, no, we've got a mental stability question.
30:44
This scene is important because it starts to bias us about the narrator.
30:51
This movie has so many unnecessary red herrings in it.
30:56
Oh, yeah.
30:56
I know.
30:57
It's like to set up this mystery.
30:58
And part of it is just whether or not he's insane.
31:01
He takes the he takes a ferry to Washington.
31:05
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was more than a ferry ride, but I've been on our ferry system.
31:11
It doesn't go down to.
31:12
I was on it today.
31:13
Los Angeles goes up to Washington to find this island.
31:18
Somerset Isle.
31:20
Now, summer's.
31:21
I don't know.
31:21
I'll say that was the one word.
31:23
Yeah, some of them.
31:25
They changed because they didn't think Americans could say summer aisle.
31:29
Summer aisle.
31:30
Yeah, the original is summer aisle.
31:32
So he's on the he's on the ferry and he's like clutching the letter and he sees a girl with
31:37
pigtails that looks like the girl from the truck or who was hit by the truck
31:41
and also kind of looks like the photo of the girl he's going to find.
31:45
And he sees her from behind and he's just staring and then just she's on the outside
31:50
railing of the ferry just outside the glass and then out of nowhere semi-truck just plows
31:55
her out.
31:56
Yeah, this guy.
31:58
Yeah, so this guy's got like, OK, I got to take you back.
32:01
More PTSD.
32:02
Even is a PTSD moving in.
32:05
We really have done a good job of pairing these things together accidentally.
32:08
Yeah.
32:09
Yeah.
32:09
So before he even goes back to Washington or goes up to Washington to investigate this,
32:15
before he gets the note and everything, we have a scene with him at home.
32:19
He's taking medication like he's medicating himself because of everything.
32:24
It could be.
32:25
Well, it's not pain because he was never physically injured.
32:28
Thrown from the car.
32:29
Yeah.
32:29
OK, so like maybe he so maybe he like sprained a butthole or something, but he was not physically
32:37
injured in such a way that he needed to be taking pain medication.
32:41
So he's taking medication now because of just the trauma of seeing people explode in front
32:47
of him.
32:48
But we don't know if he actually saw people explode in front of him because we've got
32:52
an unreliable narrator and his female cop friend stops by and like checks on him and
33:00
whatnot asks if he's going to go for detective, which this man is a terrible detective.
33:05
Yeah, he should not go for detective.
33:07
Yeah, so he gets a visit from her female cop.
33:10
That's how she's credited.
33:12
And so he goes in like next we see him go into the.
33:17
She delivers his mail.
33:19
I mean, she's there to deliver mail that was delivered to the precinct.
33:21
Yeah, and that's how he gets the letter.
33:23
Sorry, I missed that.
33:23
What a handwritten letter by his ex fiance that her child has gone missing.
33:30
So he gets this handwritten beautifully.
33:33
I was I was also going to be a papyrus, but it's not.
33:36
No, it's it's cursive.
33:38
Sorry, millennials or Gen Z.
33:41
Who doesn't read cursive these days?
33:43
So but he's off to summer's aisle after this rides a pilot who delivers a male pilot who
33:51
delivers supplies over to the island and they're very, very secretive.
33:54
We all have secrets and doesn't want to help.
33:57
So he rides him with a hundred bucks, gets him over there where he is,
34:02
goes introduces himself to some of the locals.
34:04
It goes well.
34:05
A couple of ladies who never heard of the child.
34:09
Oh, and a bunch of dudes carrying a bleeding sack that's just wriggling.
34:14
Yep.
34:14
And nobody will say what's in the bleeding sack.
34:17
What was in the sack?
34:18
And then when he goes to open the sack, it like shakes and he jumps back and doesn't
34:23
look in it and we never know.
34:25
And and then he just takes his luggage and walks away.
34:27
No, it shakes because they shake it at him.
34:29
OK, wait.
34:30
They were doing they were messing with them.
34:32
So did you watch the theatrical version?
34:34
The actual version.
34:35
The actual version.
34:36
Have you seen the uncut version?
34:38
I have not because you can't rent it.
34:40
Yeah.
34:40
OK.
34:41
You tube to the uncut scenes.
34:43
Yeah.
34:44
Because I was curious in the uncut if there was anything more about that bag.
34:49
Was it a shark?
34:51
I don't know anything about it.
34:52
I don't think it was a shark.
34:53
I just think it was just a mess of them.
34:55
But it was bleeding.
34:56
He's a he's a fucking cop.
34:59
How did he not look?
35:00
He's not a good cop.
35:01
And OK, that goes.
35:02
He's not a good guy.
35:03
I wasn't the very next scene because he goes up to he's on this island
35:08
that has no hospitality and doesn't want strangers there, walks in there
35:13
and Sister Beach, who is a piece of work.
35:18
First thing she says, I'm like, oh, you're a detective.
35:21
Yeah.
35:21
Oh, you're Detective Malice.
35:22
And he doesn't pick up on the fact that he is expected.
35:25
No, it was pretty heavily implied that like word is getting ahead also on his trip.
35:31
Like, oh, this guy's arrived because I mean, private land, nobody ever goes there.
35:38
It's not expected that people go there.
35:40
It should be.
35:42
It should be expected that word gets up.
35:46
The island is way bigger than you think it is.
35:49
It should be a lot smaller, but this island is insanely large for what it is.
35:53
But you could also see where the plane lands from the boarding house.
35:59
Maybe it's the size of Bashan.
36:01
I think Bashan's a good.
36:03
Let's make this more regional than it already is.
36:05
Yeah.
36:06
Let's just talk about our one tiny little island.
36:09
Also, they were expecting him specifically.
36:12
It's a quick cut, but they said like so and so or whatever at this
36:17
at the guest house or whatever.
36:19
He doesn't know where fucking anything is.
36:21
Nobody gave him directions.
36:23
I could be like, oh, yeah, man, why don't you just run up to like,
36:27
you know, for a movie, this Ethiopian play movie.
36:29
I'm assuming you're not going to vote for you.
36:31
You're defending it.
36:31
A lot.
36:34
Devil's advocate, man.
36:35
I like to talk.
36:36
But either way, his his lady friend, former lady friend, is Willow.
36:42
Sister Willow.
36:43
She can't talk there.
36:45
So she leaves him a note in his room that, you know, she's being watched
36:48
and they need to meet secretly.
36:51
So they go and meet secretly.
36:52
And again, she just says there's a spot out by this thing
36:57
that we can meet privately where nobody will look.
37:00
Out at the point, Ed, go, go there.
37:03
Yeah. And he's like, I know where the point is.
37:05
So he knew where the boarding house was.
37:08
No, the movie is poorly written.
37:10
This is a good detective.
37:13
No, the movie is poorly written.
37:14
But OK, let's start with OK, let's stop getting this noodly too.
37:19
So we can get to the good stuff.
37:20
So going back to my whole thing about that, how there are so many weird
37:24
red herrings in this film, there are twins of almost everybody.
37:28
Like they're just female twins.
37:30
Well, it's not necessarily.
37:31
I don't think it was supposed to be intended to be taken as like there's twins of everybody.
37:36
I think it's their way of showing that, like, inbreeding was a big thing
37:43
because they had a stable of males that they bred with.
37:47
So people that would have just looked like they were related because they're fucking related.
37:52
But they're all about the same age and walk in a creepy, shining type.
37:57
We're going to walk in unison mode.
37:59
Well, sure.
38:00
I mean, you live on an island.
38:01
You got to have a hobby.
38:02
What about the the old lady twins, the blind ones?
38:04
OK, well, those ones were actually unsettling.
38:08
OK, not only are they twins, but they're old.
38:11
So fucking throw them in the sound.
38:13
I don't I don't need any of that.
38:14
We've already given up the go that that Nick Cage is the sacrifice.
38:20
So the whole time he's on the island, he starts seeing the girl
38:26
and starts following around like he's in the first night he's in his room.
38:29
He looks out the window and he thinks he sees her
38:31
and like chases after her into a barn where he almost dies
38:34
because the floor gives out under him.
38:36
Is that the people on the island just fucking with them
38:38
because she is alive and she is in no danger?
38:40
Are they just like, yeah, this will be fun.
38:43
I did like the trap door gag because it's like, oh, he's in a barn.
38:47
Oh, you don't see anybody.
38:49
Don't see anybody.
38:50
How do we do a jump scare?
38:52
Take the floor away.
38:53
Yeah, like fucking dumb.
38:57
But he proceeds to just start harassing everyone on this island,
39:02
like throwing his badge around and like it matters.
39:05
Sister, be fucking California.
39:06
Sister Beach is the first one to point out like this is Washington.
39:10
Yeah, they like to remind him of that.
39:12
Yeah. And he doesn't care.
39:13
You are way out of jurisdiction.
39:15
And he goes to goes to the schoolhouse to find Willow and meet Sister Rose,
39:23
who's teaching a class about and asks the class what men's position is.
39:28
And again, twins answer in unison, phallic symbol, phallic symbol.
39:34
Which hilarious.
39:35
Also not wrong.
39:37
All the art in the room is B centric.
39:39
Yeah, everything about the place is B centric.
39:41
You get bees on the.
39:42
We forgot to point out that he kills a bee at the at the end.
39:47
Oh, by the way, he's allergic to be because he's allergic to be.
39:50
Yeah. And he goes to a like a honey centric economy.
39:54
Yeah, honey. Yeah.
39:56
Honey pot.
39:59
So yeah, he's got and he's got like funny, like, you know,
40:03
ep B pens like funny, funny branded epi pens for if you get stung.
40:10
I'm assuming you didn't want to get sued by Martin's whatever his name is.
40:15
Oh, Martin Martin Screli.
40:17
Yeah. The farmer, bro.
40:18
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't he like, fuck that guy.
40:21
Big on the. Come at us, really.
40:22
Oh, yeah. But here's you.
40:24
Here's how you can tell the budget, budgetary difference of these two films,
40:28
because in Bertie, they had to film an actual at an actual landfill
40:32
in the Wicker Man.
40:34
The one shot of summer aisle you get is bad, like CG,
40:39
like Mist Era CG.
40:41
I love the water met in the middle.
40:44
Yeah, because it was bad.
40:45
Mist Era CG and like a lens flare.
40:49
OK, Sister Rose played by Molly Parker, who was on Deadwood.
40:54
I don't know if you guys watch that one.
40:55
Oh, he's good. She was great on that.
40:58
And she she plays like such a boring character who's so contentious for no reason.
41:03
You really got to narrow it down if you're going to say boring character.
41:06
And then immediately after meeting Sister Rose, he like is getting directions on the road
41:11
and he meets Sister Thorne, who is the twin for no reason for no reasons.
41:17
Like, didn't I just meet you at the school?
41:18
I was like, no. Oh, but Sister Rose is also the one who is the first one to admit that
41:24
the child exists.
41:26
Well, kind of.
41:27
She doesn't admit.
41:29
Eventually, after he like, you know, takes the school ledger.
41:34
Open up the fucking Rowan's desk.
41:38
The little girl's name is Rowan.
41:40
Open up Rowan's desk and there's a fucking crow in it.
41:43
And then the other kids were like, oh, we put that there because we were wondering how long
41:48
it would sit in there.
41:49
It's like I've seen birds in boxes and stuff before.
41:53
They're not quiet.
41:54
They don't sit there.
41:55
Wait, we just watched a whole movie about him.
41:57
Yeah. Also, don't ask why I've seen a bird in a box.
42:00
So, you know, he finds the ledger of class, finds out that Rowan exists.
42:07
Yeah, she was a member of this class.
42:09
Calls all the students little liars.
42:12
Like even when he was showing photos of Rowan around earlier, people would just be like,
42:16
haven't seen her.
42:17
And he's like, you know, it's customary to look at a photo before you tell me if you
42:20
haven't seen her.
42:21
Yeah, that was great.
42:25
Sister Rose tells him there was an accident and, you know, they buried Rowan.
42:28
The like only actual clues in this film amongst all the other like, again, just so many red
42:35
herrings that add up to nothing because it's not even like they tied themselves up to make
42:42
it interesting.
42:43
They're just there to fuck with him.
42:45
And at which point he's already on the island.
42:48
He willingly came there to save the girl, but they keep playing with him because they
42:53
have to.
42:54
I think this is a meat tenderizing.
42:56
Make him a juicier sacrifice.
42:58
Yeah, yeah, like the more anguish he goes through.
43:01
Yeah.
43:02
Suffering.
43:02
Usually like you don't want an animal to suffer like that.
43:05
Yeah, the adrenaline spoils the meat.
43:07
You don't eat roadkill.
43:08
But I think in the Wicker Man situation, like the suffering is what gives you the good
43:14
honey.
43:15
OK, so they beat him up because the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
43:21
Yes.
43:21
Nice.
43:23
He eventually sees Rowan's room.
43:25
And under her desk, she's carved all this whole they're coming to kill me stuff.
43:29
He's like to ask the mom's like, have you seen that?
43:32
That's troublesome.
43:33
And mom's just like, children.
43:36
But let's not also start talking like he's doing detective work.
43:40
No, he's not.
43:41
This guy is a terrible already.
43:43
So yeah, but you also talk about it like he's uncovering clues.
43:49
I mean, he is.
43:50
I mean, I think they're almost given to him.
43:52
Like, again, that's a bad cop.
43:55
They're like, OK, have you looked under the desk, though?
43:57
And he's like, Oh, I haven't looked under the desk.
44:00
Oh, this is troubling.
44:01
Oh, no, that's just kids.
44:03
What they have to shovel.
44:05
Yeah, I know.
44:06
All evidence into his face.
44:08
So bad.
44:09
Oh, when he's when he's eating breakfast, there's a little store
44:14
bought honey bear.
44:15
He's like, don't don't you guys make honey?
44:18
And the girl's just like, I'm just fucking work here.
44:20
But she also goes on to say, like, our crop failed last year.
44:25
Like, we didn't have any honey because our honey was cursed.
44:29
That's when he sees the photos of all the girls from previous summer
44:32
festivals, because they just display that shit where people eat breakfast.
44:36
The previous year.
44:37
Like, look at these kids we've killed.
44:39
But enjoy your flapjacks.
44:41
The previous year's photo is missing because it got broken the night before.
44:45
Mysterious.
44:46
The glasses.
44:47
Yeah, the night before the glass broke.
44:49
Yeah, the night before the glass is just all on the floor.
44:52
It's like, yeah, this movie sucks so bad.
44:54
It does.
44:57
So he finds out the doctor takes all is the only one with a camera on the island.
45:01
Apparently, photos grabs all the kids.
45:03
So he goes to the doctor and it's like, I hear you're the town photographer.
45:07
She's like, why do you want your photo taken?
45:11
And he wants, you know, it's like, oh, I'm looking for last year's photo.
45:14
It's like, oh, it's in the end.
45:15
It's like, no, it's not.
45:16
It got broke.
45:17
And it's like, oh, well, I have the negative.
45:18
I'll get you a copy.
45:19
Also, why didn't he just be like, I can look at negatives.
45:22
Just bring me a foot.
45:23
I know how cameras work.
45:24
They're fucking inverted.
45:27
Because he wanted to snoop because he goes snooping.
45:30
Yeah.
45:31
But as he does, he does the Scooby Doo twinkle.
45:35
He's been pushing this.
45:36
I'm a cop narrative for so long, though, that it's like, why not just be like
45:41
fucking slam your badge against the desk again and be like, hey,
45:45
let me just see the negative then.
45:47
Because it's a bad movie.
45:49
I OK.
45:50
I can't I can't get over this one.
45:51
She's like, pretty humdrum island here.
45:54
Close's book that says secrets of the ancients.
45:57
Oh, yeah.
45:58
Our terrible rituals.
46:00
They keep talking about like there's these two festivals, two festivals.
46:04
We talk about these.
46:05
There's the festival of life and death or like the harvest and death.
46:09
No, because the second is about rebirth, which is where they're all fucking.
46:12
That's the origin.
46:12
Oh, yeah.
46:13
Those blind twins are fucking getting down with weird boil boy.
46:19
OK, yeah.
46:21
All right.
46:21
Talk about the house.
46:23
Talk about boil boy.
46:24
Yeah.
46:25
So I'm getting the order of operations fucked up here, but they don't matter.
46:30
Yeah, he goes.
46:31
He eventually wants to call the mainland again, so he tries to go get the go to the pilot
46:35
and the plane is out there and he's calling to it and the pilots are responding.
46:41
So he's like, I'm just going to wait.
46:43
And he's sitting there and while he's on the dock, he looks down and sees Rowan
46:47
under the dock because he.
46:48
Right, because the dock has windows in the floor.
46:51
He was told she was a great swimmer or she liked to swim.
46:54
So he looks down, sees her, goes to the end of the pier, jumps off to swim back under
46:58
it.
46:59
Well, he he does what any good cop would do in this moment, removes his gun badge ID
47:06
and like places it all in a pile, too.
47:08
Yeah.
47:09
But goes finds her like finds her body and is like holding it underwater and shaking
47:14
her and then wakes up on the dock from his from his dream.
47:18
Yeah.
47:19
And looks down and then her body is in his hands and he wakes up again.
47:24
Oh, double dream scare.
47:25
And what I wanted from the scene, what I was hoping for and praying for was he looks
47:29
down, is shocked at the body and then semi truck runs the boat over.
47:33
Ah, jump ahead a little bit to grave digging.
47:36
Well, before we get to grave digging, we have to get to him walking through the bee area,
47:42
the bee, the way they harvest it.
47:44
We don't know, but we do, because for someone who is deathly allergic to bees, he's just
47:48
walking by all these bees, not paying attention to when he's rolling his bike, when he rolls
47:51
it right into a hive.
47:52
Also talk about that bike.
47:54
That bike was great.
47:56
I mean, it was a fixie for sure.
47:58
It would have only been better if he had rolled up onto somebody's porch, grabbed the bike
48:03
and just growled at them and then rode away on it.
48:06
Episode three.
48:07
But yeah, so so he wakes up in summer isles house.
48:12
The doctor has summer's aisle, summer's aisle house, summer's aisles, summer's aisles,
48:18
summer aisle with an apostrophe at the end, but no less.
48:21
I've always hated that.
48:23
The English language is garbage.
48:25
And the first thing he does when he gets making up rules as we go, kind of like this podcast.
48:29
There are no rules.
48:30
First thing he does when he gets out of bed after being told that they didn't use his
48:34
EpiPen, but they use the old ways is make sure all the bullets are still in his gun.
48:39
That'll come into play later.
48:40
And he meets summer isles for the first time.
48:43
A dumb dumb.
48:44
Yeah, he meets summer isles for the first time when he first thing he asks is for permission
48:49
to dig the grit, dig up the grave and is immediately given permission to do so and then proceeds
48:55
to just be shitty to an old woman who is, you know, questionable in her own right.
49:01
Admittedly, the old deserving.
49:03
So that he's he's getting like shittier and shittier with summer, summer aisle and, you
49:08
know, summer's out.
49:10
God damn it.
49:10
I hate both of you.
49:12
Men are for procreation and we won't be subjugated by men.
49:15
All right, fine.
49:16
You're, you know, a weird cult.
49:19
Don't care.
49:19
So let's hit the beats from here out.
49:22
Right.
49:23
Like he goes to exhume the body.
49:25
Hold on.
49:25
I want to point out that he gets permission to exhume said body broad daylight.
49:31
He waits until fucking nighttime to actually dig that shit up when it's all spooky and
49:37
that's brave time.
49:39
That's that's that's you can't you can't you know, you got to do if you if you look
49:43
like a Nicolas Cage, if no one's going to question some night digging, you night dig.
49:47
Well, let's talk about that night digging because he's wearing a full suit and tie.
49:51
Yeah, yeah.
49:51
He's always wearing a full suit and tie.
49:54
So he's doing some night digging, digs up Rowan's coffin and inside is a doll with a
50:00
burned face.
50:01
But how did it get burned?
50:04
This question will never be answered.
50:07
It's again, it's just the island.
50:10
It's just the people fucking with him.
50:12
Yeah.
50:12
So from here he goes and he fucks with a bunch of children wearing masks.
50:17
Well, yes, because he's just like fucking with the people.
50:21
Fuck it.
50:21
I'm going to find what I need.
50:23
And he just starts going like house to house kicking indoors, demanding to see the children.
50:31
But everybody's getting ready for the festival.
50:33
So they're all wearing like woodland creature masks.
50:35
Yeah.
50:35
Animal masks.
50:36
He steals another bike from Sister Rose.
50:38
He's got a crow get up going.
50:41
Sister Thorn now totally gone.
50:43
Yeah.
50:44
Pulls pulls a gun on Sister Rose to get the bike.
50:47
Yeah.
50:48
Gets to go to the beach, finds the pilot.
50:50
Finally, because when he gets back to the beach, the plane has been sunk
50:54
and he finds the pilot who's been murdered missing an arm and has like some.
50:59
He has a wicker bits shoved in.
51:01
Wicker bits shoved into this flesh.
51:04
Kind of like, you know, a wicker man of sorts, which is a word we haven't heard at all in this film yet.
51:09
He goes back to the house and Sister Beach is talking with one of the old biddy he met
51:16
when he first got there and how the old biddy had dealt with the pilot.
51:20
The old biddy excuses like, I'm going to let myself get ready and leaves.
51:25
Sister Beach opens her smart mouth without saying a word.
51:29
Nicholas Cage just fucking socks are in the face.
51:32
She just goes down like a sack of potatoes because they were talking about Sister Beach's
51:37
bear costume for the celebration for the festival.
51:40
Right.
51:41
And the cage starts.
51:41
The ladies were talking about it pre Nicholas Cage intervention.
51:45
Nick Cage starts looking at the bear costume like this will be a good disguise.
51:49
And Sister Honey comes out of nowhere screaming and like jumps on his back.
51:54
They they tangle for a bit and then karate kicks her in the face into the wall of photos.
52:00
At this point, the festival is in full swing, which again, I'm going to remind you,
52:05
he is going to be the key component of yet.
52:07
People are trying to stop him at this point.
52:09
The mystery is bad.
52:11
The black or the berry tenderize meat, baby.
52:13
Yeah. So yeah, he gets he gets bared up and he goes to the festival willows there.
52:19
And he said, you know, I thought I told you stay home.
52:21
She's like, I can't. It's the festival.
52:23
Summer's Isle is painted up like the weird space racists from that episode of Star Trek
52:31
where you're black and white on one side or white and black opposite.
52:36
And they ate each other with racism.
52:38
Then she's doing her little like, whoo hippie dance through the fields.
52:42
Yeah.
52:42
Leading leading the townsfolk to where there is Rowan
52:49
about to be burned at the stake.
52:51
And finally.
52:52
And yeah, we finally get there.
52:54
That's when, you know, Nick Cage bears out and runs up, grabs the girl, grabs the girl and run.
53:00
But Rowan runs off.
53:01
He chases Rowan and she runs into a field where everyone's waiting for them.
53:04
And Rowan runs up to Willow and goes, did I do good, mommy?
53:08
And that's when like the pin drops and it was all a setup.
53:13
And this is where Summer's Isle is like, you have an appointment with a Wicker Man.
53:16
Yeah, this is where we pieced it all together because before this we were just along for the ride.
53:21
We didn't understand.
53:22
Very puzzling.
53:23
Yeah, it was a mystery.
53:25
And the whole premises they needed.
53:27
Well, galleons nights to come up with his own accord to save a child, which he did come up with his own accord.
53:34
They do also talk about how the the blood bond makes it stronger and better.
53:41
So, yeah. Well, because he's Rowan's father.
53:43
Yeah.
53:44
Which OK, yeah, that's like a big reveal.
53:46
And then all of a sudden he's just like, my baby, my child.
53:49
Oh, I know he's fucking hammers that one down.
53:52
It's like, how did you not expect that to be your fucking kid from the beginning?
53:57
He gets he pulls out his gun.
53:58
He's like, starts yelling people to back off because they start advancing upon him.
54:02
Oh, he kicks a couple more people.
54:03
Kicks a couple more.
54:04
Yeah, he does.
54:05
And then, you know, eventually showing off that Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
54:10
You know, when they all start actually advancing upon me, like pulls the trigger and nothing happens.
54:14
Like he was going to shoot Rowan, right?
54:16
Not Rowan.
54:16
I'm Willow.
54:17
Well, he's just going to shoot some bitches.
54:19
Yeah, he's going to start just popping off like a good cop.
54:22
I do like Sister Beach does show up and she does have like she just has a slight bruise.
54:28
And then, you know, it cuts to black and you just start hearing bones breaking and him
54:32
screaming about his legs.
54:33
Yeah, which in the unrated version is where you would see the torture scene where the bees.
54:39
It's actually fucking gnarly the way they break his knees.
54:44
So this movie, they were afraid of actually getting an NC 17 rating because of the violence in it.
54:51
And they dialed it back.
54:52
And actually, weirdly, how they ended up doing it was they just took out the video and left the audio.
54:58
And then they just pour a bunch of bees and a fucking swimmer's helmet.
55:03
So they can wear it.
55:04
Yeah. So then they take him to the wicker.
55:06
We see the Wicker Man.
55:09
They string him up, pull him up there.
55:10
There's a bunch of goats, pigs, chickens that are going to be sacrificed with him.
55:15
And then so he gets hoisted up to the head and Rowan lights the sacrificial pyre.
55:21
He's like, No, baby, don't do it.
55:23
Don't do it to daddy.
55:24
Don't don't burn me.
55:25
There's no.
55:26
We have a well established relationship.
55:29
Yeah. I mean, that is kind of the flavor they're going for.
55:32
And yeah, they burn the Wicker Man.
55:34
And then we cut to what, 10 months later.
55:38
So this scene actually is only in the unrated version.
55:43
Interesting.
55:44
The are sorry, only in the rated version.
55:47
The theatrical version in the unrated version.
55:50
You don't get this like post scene.
55:52
So there's this weird like, yeah, if I read this, I'm like,
55:55
what did they do instead?
55:56
Just he burned.
55:57
That's just the end of the movie.
55:58
Which is the proper end of the film.
56:00
Not even like some bees.
56:02
No, there's no James Franco in the originally scripted film.
56:07
Yeah.
56:07
The most problematic part about this James Franco.
56:09
Yeah.
56:11
And Jason Ritter, James Franco and Jason Ritter just graduated
56:15
the police academy there at a bar and they find they see Sister Rose and Sister Honey
56:20
across the bar.
56:21
They sit down for a drink.
56:22
They sit down for a drink.
56:25
Rose takes.
56:26
That's Willow.
56:27
Willow.
56:28
Yeah, no, Willow takes Ritter off to get them drinks and Honey's like,
56:35
can I go home with you?
56:36
And it starts again.
56:39
The Wicker Man.
56:40
The Wicker Man.
56:41
Then more papyrus happens and then the movie ends.
56:44
All right, let's do quotes because I mean, this movie is fucking absurd.
56:49
Yeah.
56:50
I don't really have a quote on this one.
56:52
I have a scene that I really enjoyed the best.
56:56
I mean, we touched on it.
56:57
It's when Nicholas Cage goes in near the end and takes the suit from Sister Beach
57:06
because it's not so much like this scene just fluidly happens.
57:10
He doesn't like come up and like look and then they're standing next to each other
57:14
and he decks her.
57:15
It's like he comes in, then there's like 10 seconds of him walking across the room
57:23
and just cold cocking her like there's this step, step, step, wham, and she's out.
57:30
And then like Honey comes in and fucking karate kicks her into the wall.
57:35
And then he just goes on this rampage of just beating the shit out of the women on this island.
57:42
And I don't endorse beating women, but when they're psychopaths
57:48
who are trying to burn you alive.
57:51
Oh, you're a Connery defense.
57:52
Yeah, you get one free punch per woman.
57:55
That's the rule.
57:57
One per woman.
57:58
Don't edit this out.
57:59
This is not going in.
58:01
This is my favorite part of the movie.
58:03
You got to put it in.
58:05
Look, I'm not.
58:06
OK, I mean, my favorite part is also somebody getting punched in the face.
58:10
And it's when he's in the costume, he's in the bear costume, runs up to his daughter,
58:14
Hootie Punch.
58:15
Was it a woman?
58:17
OK, now you have to keep it in.
58:19
Yeah, you can't not keep this.
58:21
So he runs up to her and he's like, don't be frightened.
58:25
I'm here to help.
58:28
An entire stranger in a bear costume, cold cocking a woman in front of you.
58:33
And it's being like, I love you.
58:35
Yeah, to be fair, he thought she was going to be burned at the stake.
58:39
Yeah.
58:40
Oh, OK, I do have a quote when he is looking for Rowan and like kicking in doors.
58:45
And it's the first house he goes to where he starts like demanding to see the children's faces
58:49
and the mothers like, do you have permission to do this?
58:52
And he just turns and screams at her.
58:54
You have my permission to stay the fuck out of the room to stay out of the fucking way.
58:58
Oh, so what I gather is all of our favorite moments happened within moments of each other.
59:04
That's like, oh, no, I mean, this movie is wacky and I'm here for it.
59:10
You know what? I'm going to take Nick Cage up his word.
59:11
He is proud of the acting he did in this film and he was mad that it wasn't advertised as a black comedy.
59:17
Yeah, I mean, that's fair.
59:18
I'm going to take a word on it because it's funny as fuck.
59:20
And I had an amazing time watching it twice.
59:23
So, yeah, I mean, let's get down to it then.
59:26
I'm going to make my case that this is a more cagey film.
59:28
There's more screaming.
59:29
There's more caging out.
59:31
One is one is a better film.
59:34
Yeah, I know.
59:35
We've had this exact argument before.
59:37
I know.
59:38
I think the tables are just flipped.
59:39
Yes.
59:40
The Wicker Man is so funny and so dumb and I I have so much fond memories laughing at it.
59:48
I think I would be more inclined to agree if we had watched this before Left Behind.
59:55
But at this point, the fucking floor is out like the basement is out.
1:00:02
There's no I've seen bad movies now.
1:00:06
Yeah, I've seen real bad movies and this isn't as bad.
1:00:09
It's not.
1:00:09
Left behind.
1:00:10
It's not even a quarter as bad.
1:00:12
It's less behind.
1:00:14
It is funny and I do enjoy watching it.
1:00:16
I would enjoy watching it again.
1:00:18
I could watch it right now.
1:00:20
Birdie is a birdie is a special time movie birdies.
1:00:24
Yeah, birdies a movie you watch with your art house friends.
1:00:27
It's a lot of it's a good one to watch.
1:00:29
It's not fun.
1:00:31
No, I don't know that Wicker Man's a fun movie.
1:00:37
I mean, maybe when we watch it next, we'll just be drunk, but it's going to be the next one.
1:00:41
I think we have a winner.
1:00:43
This movie slaps.
1:00:43
It wins 100%.
1:00:45
I don't know.
1:00:46
Tiebreaker.
1:00:47
My endorsement is not nearly as strong as Peter's.
1:00:50
Sorry, Nick.
1:00:50
I think you're right, actually.
1:00:52
But in terms of watchability, like, no, it's the same we made.
1:00:57
Not that we have to stick to our own rules.
1:00:59
No, the rules are made up and they don't matter.
1:01:02
I'd rather watch Wicker Man against another movie and see how it airs out.
1:01:10
What's up next, Peter?
1:01:11
Oh, it's a ghostwriter and dog eats dog.
1:01:15
Dog eat dog.
1:01:15
Yeah.
1:01:16
So we get some weird mustache Willem Dafoe and ghostwriter.
1:01:21
Which is a very spiritual movie, according to Nicholas Cain.
1:01:24
Any last thoughts?
1:01:27
Or are we good?
1:01:29
Don't punch women unless they want to burn you alive.
1:01:33
Then punch women.
1:01:34
But you only get one.
1:01:36
Only one punch.
1:01:40
I'm sure I'm sure Sean feels the same way.
1:01:42
Fuck seafair.
1:01:43
Yeah.
1:01:44
Bunch of mouth breathers gopping at the air.
1:01:49
I love seafair.
1:01:51
We found our post.
1:01:59
All right, hang on.
1:02:00
Sorry.
1:02:01
You cannot.
1:02:02
Do you remember the chocolate rain guy?
1:02:05
And he explained, you know what I'm talking about.
1:02:08
He explains how, like, to make sure you don't get, like, breathing noises on mic, he goes, like, off.
1:02:13
Yes.
1:02:14
Turn my head away to breathe.
1:02:16
And then sing.
1:02:17
Whatever these words are.
1:02:18
It's like sing, drink your fucking drink off mic.
1:02:21
I'm trying.
1:02:22
Just because you turn away over the mic doesn't mean you.
1:02:25
Yeah.
1:02:25
Move it away.
1:02:27
Here's your volume levels.
1:02:29
I'm just going to go over here.
1:02:32
OK.
1:02:33
If you want to take a drink, look at me in the eyes and make a drinking motion with your hands.
1:02:38
OK.
1:02:38
I will turn your mic off.