Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't Rewrite History!

Transcript

Don't Rewrite History! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom show, today, we're going to talk about rewriting
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history and how I see this happen in session and why it's
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really not good for your mental health or the development and
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health of your relationship as a whole.
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And before we get to that I would like to tell everybody to
0:24
subscribe because then you could hear my most recent episode on.
0:27
Why not to lie about your sexual past aside from that?
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It's unethical and a case study of Pull it.
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I made up that did lie about it that approximate the average
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people that I see in this situation.
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So that is an interesting one and when you add up all my other
0:44
ones, I think there's Now 52 episodes that are subscriber
0:47
only. So you should definitely
0:50
subscribe and separately, you don't get my free podcast if you
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are in or you don't get my subscriber, only episodes, if
0:57
you're in the Facebook group, but the Facebook group is a fun
1:00
and supportive environment, and it's the conversations get
1:04
really He deep about topics related to the ones that I
1:07
discuss on my podcast so you should also sign up for that.
1:12
Okay. So what do I mean by rewrite
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history? What I mean is listen, people
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change over the course of their life span and most of the mental
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health issues. I see are related to people, not
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understanding that. So for example, people do not
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understand the honeymoon phase and how people's hormones are
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very different than versus later on.
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So this So, as an example, if people don't understand how
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differently women in particular, feel during the honeymoon stage
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than they can end up with these sorts of malicious, amputations
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like the woman was doing a bait and switch, in order to get me
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as a husband, and then she, she was faking all along and now she
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finally doesn't have to fake anymore because I'm her husband
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know that isn't real. She felt different during the
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honeymoon stage, so don't rewrite history that she was
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baiting and switching you instead.
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Try to understand that human beings change over the lifespan
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biologically mentally emotionally and they should
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that's evolving you not supposed to be the same at 14, as you are
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at 35 as 55, this doesn't make any sense.
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So similarly, another one that I recently talked about was
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menopause and the effect of menopause on women's sex drive
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and The evolutionary reasons that menopause does lessen, your
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sex drive fairly obviously the end of your men.
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You're no longer fertile, why would your body still be pumping
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out the same amount of sex hormones doesn't make sense.
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So, but men take this as like some slap in the face or some
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horrible, fortune teller, you know, telling them some terrible
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things going to happen. They forget that they are going
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to change to, you know, their sex drive isn't going to be the
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same as it was when they're currently 40 years old when
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they're 60 years old. So they, and usually, I'm see a
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lot of men who are 60 year old AIDS in couples counseling
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because they don't care as much about this kind of thing.
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So I don't see them in for sexual issues as frequently just
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because biology changes and Other Things become more
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important in their mind. Despite that you would think I
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would see loads of men in their 60s coming in.
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Because when I say, I've said I'm Private Practice, I'm
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self-pay and people's wealth, only a masses more and more over
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time. So why am I seeing men still
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that are in their 40s and 50s. It's kind of a cut off after
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that because they no longer care as much and frequently, they are
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focused on other aspects of their life and their
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post-retirement life and they're not so upset at the woman.
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It's not because they're all having a sexual Renaissance.
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I'll tell you that. It's because their values have
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changed and they and the cook few that I do see or four really
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big issues like somebody cheated or something like that, not just
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a disparity of sex drive which is why I see younger couples.
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Not that, that's not a big issue.
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It feels like a big issue at the time, but again, my point is
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things change over time, that's totally normal.
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So, when you are back to the topic, although this is very
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related when women and I'll do examples for men for as I always
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do. So one that I particularly see
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with women, where they rewrite history and they forget to take
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into account, the difference in how they felt at that time,
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versus at this time is when women in their 40s or 50s.
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Usually, in the dynamic that I All this is a subscriber.
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So the wife who wants more on her annoyingly, satisfied
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husband. So women in this sort of
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dynamic, they tend to go back particularly now, this is a
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very, very women's rights focused, social and cultural
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milieu right now. So everything is about that.
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The man probably was an asshole. Yeah, but when anything seems to
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Pat and too simplistic, you know, you got to interrogate
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that a little bit. So there's women who are in
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their 40s around their 40s 50s who look back in time and they
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say he was an asshole all along. He was just selfish.
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He focus on his career, he didn't help out enough with the
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kids and I should have known all along that he was an asshole,
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but I didn't want to rock the boat.
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And a lot of these women are very surprised if they ever see
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any evidence like letters or something or birthday cards or
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Journal entries or anything. Suggesting really proving that
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in fact, at the time that this man was supposedly being such an
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oppressive asshole, she was happy.
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She was actually happy at that time.
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She had little kids. She was, she understood that she
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was the primary caretaker that was the contract of the
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relationship, you know, unstated or stated.
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He was, you know, working a lot, but he was making good money and
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she was able to stay home more, and or even if she was working.
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To. She got to be and felt that it
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was, in fact, good to be the one who is mostly in charge of the
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kit. However, when juxtaposed against
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today's climate, where men are so much more involved, she feels
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that she got a bum deal and in retrospect the human mind tries
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to make sense of things that's cognitive dissonance reduction,
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our brains don't like there to be dissonance between what we
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perceive and what we remember or any sort of dissonance in our
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brain to I think that things are uncomfortable and so they say,
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no no no it can't be right that currently I believe that he
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ought to have participated more so it can't be right that at the
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time I didn't think that it must be really.
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This is not articulated. It must be that in fact, at the
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time he was an asshole and I believed it at the time and I
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can, in fact, remember fights that we had where I said, you
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should be around more and that proves it that he has been an
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asshole. All along QED, he is Tarred and
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feathered. All done.
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And I should leave now because this isn't perhaps a passing
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phase of my dissatisfaction. But there has been a trajectory
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for the past 15, 20 or more years where I have always
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thought that he was an asshole. Yeah.
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Really the man is often very confused by this and correctly,
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so, because she didn't really think he was an asshole when she
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when she saw her periodically, she did everybody fights
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periodically. But overall when If you could
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zap back in a time machine to win, she actually let's say had
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one small child in was pregnant with another.
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She really wasn't that unhappy. Yeah, she thought that he could
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be an asshole, but overall, she was happy as her friends were as
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happy as them. There was no major thought that
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he was being betraying piece of shit.
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He because he wasn't, he was focused on his work, he wasn't
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perfect. Neither was she?
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And they were, and she was happy at the life that they were
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building at that time. So then you may say, but, What
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if truly her perspective has changed on it?
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And in retrospect, she wishes that he would have been more
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involved. Cool.
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Yeah. And in a marriage that can move
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forward and that is healthy, she will be able to say, you know,
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sometimes I think I was a an idiot really.
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And I think that in the context of today's culture, as a younger
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woman, as a young mom, I would have said, don't go on so many
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business trips or or come home earlier from work and you know,
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I should have said it really. And I wish I would have because
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there were times I felt really overwhelmed.
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Just thought that was the status quo.
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And then the guy could say if he is a, you know, if he's not mr.
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Negativity and defensiveness. He could say or he could learn
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to say in couples counseling. You're right in retrospect.
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When now I look at admin and how involved they are?
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I feel I missed out on something too and I should have not taken
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it. Not so seriously, when you said
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you were overwhelmed that should have tried to get home, it was a
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different culture. Of course, at that time, my boss
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would not have looked, oh well upon me leaving but It shouldn't
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have mattered to me at least a few times.
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I should have made sure to do it.
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That would be a couple we are there doesn't have to be
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rewriting of history and that couple can move forward,
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accommodating new information as it unfolds such as changing
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socio, cultural climate. And what it means to them about
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the history of their relationship, he can roll with
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her negative feelings and her regret, and he can even
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empathize with it and express some of his own which she could
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then Sighs with and say, yeah, you know, you were in a tough
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spot. The guys now can definitely take
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off more paternity, leave say than you were able to, and I get
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that. So that couple would have rolled
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through and even become closer for this sort of what could
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potentially in a different couple, be more of a rupture.
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So, in a couple that does not deal with this sort of
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realization or feeling in a healthy way, the woman would say
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something like I knew all along. That you were a total asshole.
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I just felt trapped. You remember, we had some
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fights. Well, I should have had more of
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them. I should have left you then
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because I hated you all along and the man would say, yeah,
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well you can never be happy with anything and maybe I would have
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been around more if you wouldn't have been such a bitch, right?
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So obviously, you see that this couple really needs counseling,
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the first ones can save their money and use it on a vacation
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instead of couples counseling. So the point here being that if
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there is something in the past that Feel regret over.
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Don't let yourself take the intellectually lazy root of just
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blaming the other person and or holding them and the
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relationship up to the standard of you now, and what you think
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hasn't evolved being of 40 or 50, something or even Thirty,
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Something versus in your 20s, or 30s or teens, whatever the case
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may be for the early portion of your marriage.
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And don't forget that there was a hole, there was lots of color
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and It's in your relationship at all times.
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Now, it wasn't just a bad and it wasn't just good.
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Now, does this mean? Let's say, if you care, if, if
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you look back and you're like, I truly have felt lonely for many
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years, and I just really did stay.
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And, and I said it all along. I was just staying for the kids
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and whatever. Whatever.
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Then should I not leave? Listen, you can leave or stay,
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this is whatever you decide to do.
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The point is, if you have ever seen yourself go back and
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rewrite history in a way, And you'll know it because your
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partner will say things like, I didn't think that's how you felt
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at the time. You never said anything to me.
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You certainly complained about other things, but not about that
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thing. So that's when you'll kind of
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know if you can really be open and honest with yourself.
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Hey wait, maybe my subconscious is amplifying certain aspects of
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my experience which now make it easier for me to look back and
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see a uniform whole, you know, because it's easier again for
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our brains. Our brains do not like
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dissonance so it's a lot easier to say, I want to leave my
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husband because I have been unhappy for 20 years straight
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than it is to say, you know what, for the first 10 years, I
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actually thought it was. All right, at the stage that I'm
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at. Now, I really don't feel like,
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there's any future for us. No harm.
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No foul. That is a lot more of a mature
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person who could say there was a time that I was happy or there
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was a time that the positives outweigh the negatives, or there
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was a time that I didn't even know, I was supposed to be
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happy, whatever the case may be, it is far better.
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Our but particularly, if you do divorce, you want to have an
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amicable co-parenting relationship, which would be
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Sabotage by you thinking that things that didn't actually
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exist at the time. So let's do the mail example
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that I see most commonly which is the man talking about the sex
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life. So a lot of times I get men and
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they're like the sex was bad. All these years she was
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withholding basically from the honeymoon.
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She didn't like this, she didn't like that.
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She didn't like this. And I kept trying, and trying
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and trying. And now I've just had enough.
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It's been 20 years of Unremitting sexual frustration.
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The woman will frequently be like I thought, I don't know, I
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thought you you liked some of it you know I mean we were having
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sex more earlier in the relationship and you seem to
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like it and you were saying I love you more, we were being
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romantic more. So then at that point, it really
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behooves the man to try to take a more objective stance and to
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say is my current level of bitterness in in association
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with probably the hours of research that I am.
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Currently doing about sexless marriages and male
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dissatisfaction and women's libido.
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Etc, etc. Am I looking back and rewriting
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history was I, in fact, all right, you know, as long as it
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was, you know, a couple times a week or a couple times every
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couple weeks I was all right. Actually, and it's only now when
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things have deteriorated, so grievously that I am really this
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upset but saying, but like the whole thing was a lie and you
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were never fulfilled. And I mean, that's, that's
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really Rare, honestly, it's really rare for somebody to have
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unrelenting, sexual dissatisfaction, starting the
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honeymoon. And also to be a man, that is
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not extremely religious. Not extremely, I don't know, not
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even understanding that divorce exist.
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I mean, I don't know, like it would be very hard.
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It's very rare for a man to let's say, have this this level
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of horrible sexual dissatisfaction from the very
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Inception of the relationship and not Leave.
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And if he didn't leave, that certainly something to put into
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the equation. And so then instead of blaming
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it all on the woman, he could say, at the time, I vacillated
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at times, I was somewhat satisfied.
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And at, and I really did love her.
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And I am, of course, glad that I we had our children Etc, and we
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built. So, you know, a life together.
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It also, I was had very low self-esteem.
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I was really thought I would be incapable of finding Ending a
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different partner and I realized that now more at the time.
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And than I did at the time. And I can understand the origins
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of my self-esteem issues. And now, I also am much more
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dissatisfied due to various changes, including my awareness
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of the possibilities of marital sex, which I didn't have any
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idea of what a happy sex life could look like.
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There was no internet in 1990 or whatever the case may be.
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And, and so, I either do not want to stay in this
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relationship anymore or would like to work.
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On it moving forward, but I'm not going to vilify and put my
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wife into a villain role for saying that for the past 20
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years, she was equivalently withholding and malicious about
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our sex life because it isn't real.
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We had moments of tenderness for sure.
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You know, the birth of the children, the pregnancies times
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where we did go away on vacation and have sex, etc, etc, etc.
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So the overall theme of this Us. And the takeaway is that when
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there is some sort of very Pat narrative, particularly one in
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which you come out with flying colors and the other person
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doesn't that's really when you got to do some deep self
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reflective work and try to be more objective.
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Even if the relationship is done, even if it's this is the
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aftermath of your divorce because if you don't interrogate
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your role, in the contribution of the dissolution of the
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relationship, or the dissatisfaction the relationship
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or whatever, You are bound to get involved in the same exact
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sort of thing, because people who cannot look at themselves
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objectively tend to get into bad relationships.
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Why? Because that is an emotional
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immaturity and like, goes to like to an emotionally immature
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person that can never say that they're wrong tends to only do
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well with and click with other emotionally.
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Immature people, which is not going to get you, the outcome
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that you want and which is like the best plug for therapy that I
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could possibly give you if you do not Not work on seeing
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yourself more objectively. And seeing the ways that there
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are a million variables that couldn't that that all work
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together to lead to what you got to the level of marital
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dissatisfaction that you eventually got to.
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If you can't see that, you are bound to get in a relationship
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with someone else, because I'll tell you, when you're dating
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after divorce, if somebody who is securely attached, and who is
17:29
a more mature, objective person goes on a date with somebody
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who, As. Oh yeah was all my ex-husband's
17:36
fall you such an asshole. That guy is going to be like
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whoa crazy alert you know like this is a very this woman talks
17:44
like she's 16 years old. I don't need to get involved
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with that, you know of course it's not all her ex-husband's
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fault and if she thinks that about him one day, she going to
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think about me. That's how an emotionally mature
17:53
person would think about hearing that.
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Such that the dissolution of the person's prior marriage, was all
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due to the fault of the X and the other gender side.
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If a woman, here's a guy. Say oh yeah, my ex-wife.
18:05
She was some kind of crazy. I think she had borderline
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Tendencies. What are you going to think?
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Hopefully, you've been listening to my podcast long enough to
18:13
know that he's basically raising his hand and saying, I'm a
18:15
narcissist and or go back and listen to the narcissistic
18:19
borderline, Dynamic podcast, and or this man is just incapable of
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understanding that he is in perfect, really the same thing.
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So in any case, where you are expecting to have healthy
18:32
relationships after You are current or past the satisfying
18:37
one, you have to really do a deep dive to understand your
18:40
contribution so that you could go on a date and be like, yeah,
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it didn't work out, you know, at first, it was okay and we were
18:46
in love, but eventually it became obvious.
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We were very different kind of people.
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I didn't handle conflict that. Well, honestly, she didn't
18:53
either for the in different ways.
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And, you know, I'm glad that we have the children in Cope.
18:58
We trying to co-parent well together, and I'm glad that I'm
19:01
out of it. But, you know, I do feel like
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like I I could have behaved better now that sounds like
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somebody who's going to get laid, you know, on their on
19:09
their, in their dating life post-divorce because that sounds
19:14
like uneme, an adult that sounds like somebody who you could
19:17
really talk to and be open and authentic with yourself and an
19:22
emotionally mature again, adult really versus the childlike
19:26
person that has to blame all of the divorce on the other person
19:30
because it never is takes two to tango.
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All right, so hopefully you got Got something out of this and
19:35
please do subscribe. And I'll talk to everybody soon.