Latest / ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women / 125 // Set Healthy Boundaries to Protect Your Journey to Confidence

Transcript

125 // Set Healthy Boundaries to Protect Your Journey to Confidence · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

• 0:00
  Who do you want to become and how are you going to get there?
• 0:04
  When we are creating a journey and we are taking the actions,
• 0:09
  the steps, intentionality to become the person we want to become,
• 0:12
  it's also really important that we set healthy boundaries in order to,
• 0:29
  So you can know in your heart that you do belong. You are enough and you are
• 0:33
  made on purpose and with a purpose.
• 0:36
  Hey, I'm Kelsey Spronk, fellow ADHD mom and entrepreneur.
• 0:39
  Join me in building confidence so you can experience success with ADHD in all.
• 0:50
  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast. I'm your host,
• 0:54
  Kelsey, and today we're going to talk about the importance of setting healthy
• 0:57
  boundaries to self-advocate in ADHD.
• 1:01
  Now, I'm going to break this down into some different categories,
• 1:04
  and we can work on creating healthy boundaries in your life.
• 1:09
  So it's important, as I said in the intro, when we're thinking about from last
• 1:13
  episode, what direction you're heading in your life? What is God's calling in your life?
• 1:17
  This is a great place to start in figuring out where and what your boundaries
• 1:21
  should be, because we need to understand what exactly it is that we're protecting.
• 1:27
  I mean, there's the obvious things of you don't want people to be mean to you
• 1:31
  or whatever it is, and you don't listen to people that are the haters kind of thing.
• 1:35
  But beyond that, we need to understand where it is we're going,
• 1:39
  where we want to be going, where God's calling us to,
• 1:42
  because that's also going to help us understand the ways that the enemy is going
• 1:46
  to attack and where we need to have healthy boundaries and awareness set up
• 1:51
  and where we need to self-advocate.
• 1:53
  So some main categories I have here for setting boundaries, where you spend
• 1:58
  your time, how you spend your time,
• 2:01
  who you spend your time with, how much time you spend in those categories and
• 2:06
  why, understanding the fact that how we spend our time affects who we become.
• 2:12
  So I've broken this down into five different areas here. So the first one is your thoughts.
• 2:18
  This, I would say, is probably one of the most challenging ones because you
• 2:22
  can't just give yourself space from yourself. You can't just walk away or say,
• 2:27
  you know what, I'm not going to hang out with that person because it's our own thoughts.
• 2:31
  So this is why I started with this one. this, I would say, is the most challenging.
• 2:37
  We can have different stories that we are telling based on experience or things
• 2:42
  that have been said, things that we have perceived, maybe through rejection
• 2:46
  sensitivity, but we have these thought patterns.
• 2:50
  And the first step is that I need you to think about what?
• 2:55
  An awareness. You need to have an awareness of what your thoughts are like in different situations.
• 3:00
  Because setting boundaries in our own thoughts, we need to first have that awareness and curiosity.
• 3:06
  What do I end up thinking in these different situations? When I feel rejected,
• 3:10
  when I feel like I've failed, when I feel like something's not working,
• 3:14
  when I am experiencing difficulty in some way.
• 3:17
  What do my thoughts turn to?
• 3:20
  Because what we focus on is going to, you know, it's going to affect what decisions
• 3:28
  we do or don't make. If we are constantly stuck in fear, we're not as likely
• 3:33
  to follow what God has for our life.
• 3:35
  We're not exactly, we're not as likely to live out the dreams that he has for
• 3:40
  us if we're focused on our fear and what could go wrong.
• 3:43
  So I want you to think about what do you want to focus on and what do you want
• 3:49
  to let go of in your thoughts.
• 3:52
  So just as some examples, if you find that you are comparing yourself to others,
• 3:57
  you are looking at how happy and successful and beautiful somebody else is,
• 4:03
  I want you to stop for a second, recognize that is what you're doing,
• 4:07
  and now I want you to change your focus.
• 4:10
  What can you focus on instead. Something that's going to move you towards what
• 4:14
  God is calling you to in your life.
• 4:16
  Something that is going to be using your God-given strengths.
• 4:21
  Okay, so we're letting go in this example. We're letting go of comparison and
• 4:25
  we are focusing on our own journey.
• 4:28
  We are focusing on taking steps towards a calling that God has in our life.
• 4:33
  Another example is catastrophizing.
• 4:37
  So this one, I would say, is difficult for me, especially when it comes to,
• 4:41
  you know, thinking about the safety of my kids.
• 4:44
  It can be really hard for me not to just get wrapped up and start spiraling in this.
• 4:49
  But I think it's important when we start to, you know, I want to work on letting
• 4:53
  go of catastrophizing and focus instead on trusting God, trusting His provision,
• 4:59
  trusting the fact that He is the provider, He is the protector.
• 5:03
  And that whether I want to have it or not, I don't actually have control.
• 5:09
  So relinquishing that kind of facade that I do have control.
• 5:18
  Another area here that I want to talk about, sorry, I'm recording it.
• 5:22
  I'm recording in my basement and it looks out into our yard here and there's
• 5:27
  like these birds walking by and like squirrels and stuff.
• 5:29
  It's very distracting, but I'm trying not to say that because that is such a
• 5:33
  stereotype to shout that out.
• 5:36
  So anyways, back to it. The second one for setting healthy boundaries is in your words.
• 5:42
  What I mean by that is who are you going to share your heart with?
• 5:48
  So setting boundaries around who are you going to be vulnerable with and share
• 5:52
  who you are with and what are you going to say about yourself?
• 5:57
  So similar to the thoughts one, where the way that we talk about ourselves is
• 6:02
  going to have an impact. So if we are putting ourselves down,
• 6:06
  we're talking about ourselves negatively, that's going to have a negative impact.
• 6:12
  And don't shame yourself for that. That's not what I'm going for here.
• 6:15
  Once again having that awareness how do
• 6:18
  you talk about who you are and about yourself and about
• 6:21
  your circumstances and how can we move that towards something that is trusting
• 6:29
  God trusting his calling in your life recognizing the good in you the beauty
• 6:34
  of who you are and the strengths that you possess the other part about who you
• 6:38
  will share your heart with.
• 6:40
  This one here, I just encourage boundaries in the sense that some people are
• 6:45
  safe for us to share our hearts with and some people are not.
• 6:49
  So using your discretion and setting boundaries, maybe not engaging in longer
• 6:54
  conversations with people who have proven that you can't trust them with the
• 7:00
  deep things of your heart.
• 7:01
  Because I would say, for me at least, I don't want to spend a long time around
• 7:06
  somebody who I don't want to share things about my heart with because it just naturally comes out.
• 7:12
  So I can't spend too much time around those friends, as an example.
• 7:16
  Number three for setting healthy boundaries is in your actions,
• 7:21
  right? So we're looking at our thoughts, our words, our actions.
• 7:24
  So this involves what you say yes to.
• 7:27
  And something I would recommend for this one is giving yourself a bit of a rule
• 7:33
  or a guideline saying you're not allowed to say yes to something unless you've slept on it.
• 7:37
  Because if you're anything like me, you will say yes in the excitement of,
• 7:41
  oh, somebody needs me or they want my help. And you'll say yes.
• 7:44
  And then later, or maybe immediately after, you will regret it.
• 7:48
  But then you'll feel like you are committed and you don't want to seem flaky.
• 7:53
  So you don't want to back out.
• 7:55
  It can just get really complicated. So be cautious in what you say yes to, and also think about it.
• 8:00
  Does it align with what God's calling you to? Does it align with your values,
• 8:05
  your priorities in your life, and taking care of those basic needs that you have?
• 8:11
  In your actions, setting boundaries also involves what you say no to.
• 8:16
  Now, this sounds kind of the same as what you say yes to, but I think focusing
• 8:22
  in your actions of, if you know there are things that are unhealthy for you.
• 8:29
  Let's make a system or a rule or set up your environment where you're able to
• 8:34
  say no to those things that are not helping you become the person you want to
• 8:39
  become, that are not helping you to be a healthier version of you.
• 8:43
  So for me, I've talked about this a lot, but for me, that is my phone.
• 8:46
  I can't be on my phone and still be in control. I just seem to get lost in phone land.
• 8:53
  And then I get frustrated because that is not doing something that is drawing
• 8:58
  me closer to God or to my family or to my friends. It's not something life-giving
• 9:03
  like being creative or learning or anything like that.
• 9:08
  So for me, I need to say no to my phone.
• 9:12
  It's not a no sometimes. It's pretty much no all the time because otherwise
• 9:18
  I will get stuck on my phone in the evening, you know, doom scrolling or whatever it is.
• 9:23
  And then I don't go to bed on time. I don't sleep as well because I've been on a screen.
• 9:26
  Or if I go on a screen and my kids are around, I don't pay attention to them the way that I want to.
• 9:32
  And it just adds a lot of guilt and frustration.
• 9:36
  So think about when you're setting healthy boundaries, what do you need to say no to?
• 9:41
  The third part of in your actions is how you spend your time.
• 9:47
  So I want you to think about setting boundaries. And we can kind of combine
• 9:51
  this with the next part, which is how much time you spend.
• 9:53
  So think about the things that matter to you, the things that are important.
• 9:57
  So for me, quality time, especially with my family, quality time is really important.
• 10:02
  So how I spend my time, let's just say with my kids,
• 10:05
  I want to get down to their level, make eye contact I
• 10:09
  like being playful with them so that's kind
• 10:11
  of some guidelines for me there and then how much time so realistically I wish
• 10:18
  that I loved to just play all day long but I don't so I will often set a timer
• 10:24
  because I know it's important for me to spend quality time with them doing something
• 10:27
  that's life-giving for them which is usually play they're pretty young.
• 10:32
  But I also know that I can't spend too much time in that so if I set a timer
• 10:36
  for 15 minutes or whatever time frame it is, then I can fully engage.
• 10:41
  And that's a boundary that I set in order to, you know, accomplish my goal of
• 10:47
  quality time with my kids, to
• 10:48
  make them feel loved, to build that quality relationship that I so desire.
• 10:53
  But it also respects the fact that I don't thrive in, how do I say this,
• 11:01
  in unproductive circumstances.
• 11:03
  I really appreciate, you know
• 11:05
  achieving and getting things done checking things off
• 11:08
  my list so learning being creative and things
• 11:11
  like that and so I need to respect the fact that that's how I function and set
• 11:17
  parameters and set those boundaries to ensure that my kids feel loved we've
• 11:22
  had a quality time together but I also can then have some other time for things
• 11:27
  like reading a book or whatever it is in that day.
• 11:31
  Number four for setting healthy boundaries is who you listen to.
• 11:35
  Now, I don't mean like in a conversation, you're just going to,
• 11:39
  you know, put your fingers in your ears and be like, la-di-da-di-da, whatever.
• 11:42
  I'm talking about whose opinions you listen to.
• 11:46
  So this is with friends, family, social media, TV, movies, whatever you're exposing
• 11:51
  yourself to, what opinions, what thoughts, what are you listening to or who are you listening to?
• 11:59
  So with your friends, we talked about in a previous episode are friendships.
• 12:03
  Who are the people who truly know and understand you and love you for who you are?
• 12:10
  Chances are those are going to be the people who are more trustworthy to listen to.
• 12:15
  Now, keep in mind, we are human. We are broken.
• 12:19
  And so friends can also say things that are hurtful and things that are untrue.
• 12:24
  And so I want you to take that with a grain of salt as well and understand fully
• 12:29
  who you are so that when somebody says something, you can actually assess,
• 12:34
  does this align with who I am?
• 12:36
  Does this align of who God's created me to be or who he says I am in his word?
• 12:41
  And that's something that I want you to test those things that are being said
• 12:45
  to you, as well as with family. Now, you would think and you would hope that
• 12:50
  with family, they're, you know, sunshine, what's the term?
• 12:56
  Sunshine and rainbows? Rainbows and butterflies? I don't know what the term is.
• 12:59
  But essentially, you would hope that people would only be seeing encouraging, kind things in family.
• 13:04
  But I think a lot of times that is not the case. sometimes
• 13:08
  our families are the ones who have inflicted the
• 13:12
  most hurtful wounds and so
• 13:16
  in who you listen to it can feel tricky to love our families but also set boundaries
• 13:22
  but it's incredibly important i think especially as adults when we set these
• 13:27
  healthy boundaries with our family whether it's with your adult children whether
• 13:31
  it's with your parents whether it's with your siblings whoever it is,
• 13:36
  it's important to set healthy boundaries together.
• 13:39
  In order to protect who you are and who you are becoming, and also in order
• 13:45
  to protect kind of your family unit and your overall well-being.
• 13:50
  Some of this sometimes is for a period of time.
• 13:54
  Sometimes it can be temporary. Sometimes it can be long-term,
• 13:57
  and that's something that you need to kind of address.
• 14:01
  Another area in who you listen to, social media or television or movies or whatever
• 14:06
  it is, be cautious in what kind of messages you're listening to.
• 14:10
  I even saw a post the other day and they were talking about,
• 14:13
  you know, how negative and damaging social media can be for younger generations with, you know,
• 14:21
  being on TikTok and having all of these things that are talking about life not
• 14:25
  being worth living anymore.
• 14:27
  And I think it's really important to be aware of what kind of messages people are,
• 14:34
  you know, speaking to you, but then also to set the boundary of,
• 14:37
  hey, you know what? This is not healthy.
• 14:39
  This is not something that I want to be influenced by.
• 14:42
  And then, you know, unfollowing accounts or getting off of social media,
• 14:47
  getting off of your phone, whatever boundary it is that you need to set in order
• 14:53
  to protect your journey to becoming the person you want to become.
• 14:57
  Number five this is the last one setting boundaries in
• 15:01
  who you spend time with or around
• 15:04
  so the last part was who you listen to so like how much you listen to those
• 15:08
  those people this is who you spend time with and how much time you spend with
• 15:13
  them so this can be including there are some people who even being in their
• 15:18
  vicinity can have an effect on you so be cautious of that if it's somebody who
• 15:22
  has a negative effect on you.
• 15:24
  Set a boundary as far as that's concerned if you can. It's also about who you
• 15:28
  spend quality time with.
• 15:30
  So save that for the people who are really important in your life.
• 15:35
  Don't, you know, don't give away your time to people who don't have a really
• 15:42
  meaningful spot in your life.
• 15:45
  On the phone with, in text conversations with, via email, via social media.
• 15:49
  So there's all different kinds of ways that we spend our time and our time is
• 15:54
  so incredibly valuable.
• 15:55
  And so I want you to know what is it you value?
• 15:59
  Who is God calling you to become? Where is he calling you to?
• 16:03
  Who do you want to be within the relationships within your family?
• 16:06
  Maybe you have grown children and grandchildren.
• 16:10
  Maybe you want to spend quality time with them. But in reality,
• 16:13
  you end up spending a lot of time on your phone, texting with people who don't
• 16:18
  even live in the same city as you.
• 16:19
  I want you to take a step back and reflect.
• 16:24
  Is that how you want to spend your time? Or do you need to set goals?
• 16:29
  Better boundaries. Because I don't want you to get to the end of the day,
• 16:35
  the year, your life, and regret how you spent your time.
• 16:39
  Regret that you didn't have better boundaries on your time.
• 16:44
  I'm going to do a quick recap here just to remind you.
• 16:47
  So setting healthy boundaries, this involves in your thoughts,
• 16:51
  your words, your actions, who you listen to, and who you spend your time with or around.
• 16:58
  Make sure you start with curiosity of, you know, how you are currently spending your time.
• 17:04
  What do you want to change it to? And what do you need to let go of?
• 17:08
  I hope this has encouraged or helped you in some way.
• 17:11
  If it has, I would love it if you could leave a review.
• 17:14
  It's one of the few ways that I actually hear from you. And I always really
• 17:17
  appreciate it. I look forward to being here with you next time. Until then, God bless.
• 17:26
  Thank you.