Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Reset & Reconnect: Nervous System Healing and Emotional Mastery with Anat Peri

Transcript

Reset & Reconnect: Nervous System Healing and Emotional Mastery with Anat Peri · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:01
  Hello, Melissa Crook here with the Feel podcast.
• 0:04
  Happy to have you here with us today.
• 0:06
  Here are your ways to engage with our discussion with a not
• 0:11
  hairy reset and reconnect nervous system healing and
• 0:15
  emotional mastery. Take steps to practice resting
• 0:19
  your nervous system. This could be mental, physical,
• 0:23
  or sensory grounding. An example of this physical
• 0:26
  grounding would be clenching your fist tight and releasing
• 0:30
  it, noticing the difference in the sensations.
• 0:33
  This is. Just a little bit of a.
• 0:34
  Peek into what's coming in our discussion with A Knot today,
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  but they can give you some really practical ways to reset
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  your nervous system. Sitting at your desk, at your
• 0:44
  car, at a stoplight. If you're stuck in traffic
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  waiting to pick up kids from school.
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  Whatever it may be that you're doing, it's very applicable,
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  something you can do in the moment.
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  We hope you find this helpful and supportive as you get ready
• 0:58
  to engage with this new episode with our friend and not carry,
• 1:02
  reset and reconnect nervous system healing and emotional
• 1:05
  mastery. Thanks so much for being with
• 1:07
  us. Finding power, man.
• 1:18
  Embracing layers. Yet we get to.
• 1:22
  We get to. Hello and welcome to the Peel
• 1:27
  podcast this week. I'm here with our new friend,
• 1:31
  semi new friend. I feel like I've known and not
• 1:34
  already for a while because I as soon as I met her, I'm like,
• 1:37
  let's get you on a panel, let's get you scheduled for being on
• 1:42
  the podcast. And then we figured out that we
• 1:44
  had a common denominator in a woman, Lou Aiken, who's we're
• 1:49
  going to both be working with her in the late spring, early
• 1:53
  summer on a seminar. She's doing it so I've just kind
• 1:55
  of a small world that's brought and not not I together.
• 1:58
  We officially met via our friends of Pod match.
• 2:02
  We found all these common denominators since then and I'm
• 2:04
  not really surprised by that because our work is super
• 2:09
  aligned. What she does is super aligned
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  and she and I have this, we all have our own stories, but we've
• 2:15
  also got some common denominators in our stories.
• 2:18
  But she's got a very, really special and unique way of
• 2:22
  helping women and she's very passionate about it.
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  So we're going to get into that today, but we're going to get to
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  know her and how she got here. And one of my favorite things
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  when I asked him not by about her character traits, she's
• 2:34
  like, Oh my gosh, I'm all over the spectrum.
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  Sometimes I'm really serious and sometimes I'm really silly.
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  I'm like, yes, because we are new, nuanced individuals and
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  there are different scenarios and situations that will bring
• 2:47
  out the different parts of us so we can.
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  Be. Both silly and serious and it
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  just, it may show different times and I love that.
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  So enough Harry, welcome to the Field podcast.
• 2:59
  Thank you. Thank you for having me.
• 3:02
  I'm so excited to have you here. I am too.
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  You're going to have so much to say about all of this.
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  All right, my friend, Let's get right into it confidently
• 3:11
  knowing that you are worthy of prioritizing yourself care.
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  Talk to me about yourself, care journey and knowing the
• 3:20
  importance of prioritizing that in your life.
• 3:24
  Yeah. So self-care, I think when most
• 3:27
  people hear that, they're like, oh, take a bath, you know, go
• 3:32
  for a walk. And I'd say yes, I do that.
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  But for me, self-care is really about learning to say no.
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  And I had to learn to say no to more things and to start to pay
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  attention every moment to where am I speaking from.
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  And what I mean by that is most of my life I dissociated from my
• 3:59
  body, not aware that I was dissociating from my body and
• 4:02
  just being a talking bobble head, talking really fast
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  without needing to even breathe, kind of like that.
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  So if you ever talk really fast, really, really fast, you'll
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  notice that you're in your head and you're not really using your
• 4:12
  breath. And that was me.
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  And what that did to my nervous system is that me in this
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  constant heightened state, unaware.
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  And then I'd wonder why after a podcast interview, our coach and
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  caller, any conversation where I'm using my voice with people,
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  or even just sitting on my computer working, dissociating
• 4:39
  from my body, not breathing enough, why by the end of the
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  day I would feel like I just want to be a BLOB on the couch.
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  Like spent always. And so when I connected with my
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  body again, I realized this is the self-care.
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  Yeah, you know, it's, it's a learning to slow down and speak
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  from my body, like drop my voice down into my heart space instead
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  of being a talking bubble head. And then also being a chronic,
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  you know, or pastime people, please are always learning to
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  stay. Now learning to honor the amount
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  of time that I have and really checking in with am I giving
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  from a full cup or an empty cup right now 'cause I love to give.
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  I mean, I'm a coach, I'm a healer.
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  Of course I love to give and I I love to nurture my husband,
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  people around me, all that like it's a gift.
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  And one of the things I've had to learn to make sure of is that
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  I only do it when my cup is full and to learning to say no as
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  much as I want to give and I could and I couldn't sort of be
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  like, no, yeah. So those are those are my like
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  self-care practices. Yeah, I love that.
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  I understand. I played so wholeheartedly with
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  this. I grew up in a house full of
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  boys and men, and I was just trying to get my voice heard.
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  And so I completely relate to the disassociation from your
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  feelings. There were no room for that.
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  I was just trying to keep up and be heard.
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  I also completely relate to that ability to just, you know, be in
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  hyper vigilant mode all the time.
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  I'm not going to miss anything. Not going to disappoint anybody.
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  No one's going to be let down by me.
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  But then, like, collapsing on the pillow at the end of the day
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  because my body, yeah, like, my body was so physically spent.
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  And when I finally started getting in touch with my body,
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  probably started that. Let's see, what year is it, 5
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  1/2 years ago, where I really got intentional about that.
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  I was shocked at all the things my body was experiencing and all
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  the messages you was sending me that I disconnected from.
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  And I love what you say. And we've heard this and it
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  seems to be a theme that comes up regularly, which I love
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  because women need to be reminded about this repeatedly
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  every day. No period.
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  No period. That's that's not.
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  Mean. That is if in the best of
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  yourself, Karen, honestly, if you're not showing up for
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  someone with a filled cup, you're doing them a disservice
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  as well. I mean, you know, nobody wins
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  when we do that. Did you have, did you have a
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  point in life where you were able to make this connection?
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  This is not working for me anymore.
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  Oh yeah, yeah. And believe it or not, it was
• 8:00
  just second-half of 2022. So that goes to show you even
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  though I've been in this industry for 20 years, been
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  coaching that there's, there's layers to it even with our own
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  self growth second-half of 2022, it's just like in survival mode
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  in my business after firing my CEO.
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  So going through a lot of business challenges and, and
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  being in that go go go mode and thinking that self-care was
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  taking the bath or going to the spa or laying on the couch and
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  realizing that it wasn't self-care, it was self repair.
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  It was like, I am, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm wrecked right now.
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  And so it's always like using those things to repair only to
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  do it again to myself the next day.
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  And I hosted a women's retreat. And most of my retreats are are,
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  you know, are Coed. They're not about, you know, the
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  feminine and women and things like that.
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  They're, you know, just deep healing work, which obviously
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  includes some of that. Yeah.
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  For some reason, my girlfriend and I decided let's host a,
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  let's host a women's retreat. Like make it all about the juicy
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  feminine, like the full spectrum of it from like, you know, the,
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  the sex stuff to the self-care stuff to all of it.
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  And we hosted it in right outside of Cabo San Lucas,
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  Mexico, in this beautiful retreat center.
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  And I brought my laptop with me because I was like, OK, every
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  day. The way we worked out the
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  schedule, they'll be like a three hour gap middle of the day
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  where, you know, people can just go do whatever they want, blah,
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  blah, blah. So that's what I'm going to work
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  and get more shit done. I did not take my laptop out of
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  my bag. It was the biggest reset for me.
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  The environment just pulled me into just receive, just nourish
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  and it reset my nervous system that I had that aha moment and
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  realized, Oh my God, I've been operating out of complete like
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  go go, go mode, even thinking that instead of enjoying Mexico
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  for a three hour break midday that I'm going to sit on my
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  computer poolside. And it I came back from that
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  retreat different than I'd come back from.
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  I think by that point I'd LED about 30 retreats over the past
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  10 years, five years. And I came back so filled up.
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  My husband was shocked because he's been with me for years and
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  usually I would come back from retreats like depleted, give me
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  space, like agitated, like all the things empty, dried up.
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  And I came back so juicy, so lit up, so fulfilled.
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  And that was the beginning of me starting to recognize that I
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  can, I can be like this every day.
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  I just have to learn to balance, to say no more and to slow down
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  and and enjoy the pleasure of, of being in my body.
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  So that was that. That was the moment that was
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  the, the and I realized I was like, wow, you know, that
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  women's retreat that was for me. Like even though.
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  I was like. I was like, I needed that.
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  And now, you know, all the retreats I lead after, I always,
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  always balance. I always feel amazing in that
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  way. And and we still wrap up the
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  retreat every time I come home from a retreat cause most of
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  them I lead here in San Diego. Yeah, we drop people off at the
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  airport and we go right to the Korean spa.
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  So don't kid me. I still like my, you know, 4
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  hours of self-care. The Korean spa, Yeah.
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  But that but what a recognition though, and what you know, an
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  ability to really like shift and and see like hold on a minute
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  here. And I love that, that idea of
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  being present, being and taking in the settings around you and
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  finding those places that refresh you and renew you and
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  allowing yourself just to be in them.
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  We are just in go go go mode all the time.
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  And I think sometimes for for those of us that create content
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  to help others with these things, we're so close to it.
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  Sometimes we forget to utilize it ourselves and like, hold on a
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  minute this. Is for me.
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  Too, and me first so that I can show up, refresh and renew.
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  Thanks so much for sharing that. You know, I think there's that's
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  going to be so helpful for women here also, because so many women
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  hearing this are going to be like, Yep, me too.
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  Oh, wait a minute. That's, that's the clue.
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  That's the hint. Because our bodies are sending
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  us signals all the time. We've got to be in tune to them
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  to receive them or they just get, they get missed and we just
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  keep charging along until something hits us and that we
• 13:39
  have to because you said something so important earlier,
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  you were doing self repair instead of self-care.
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  That's a big difference. A lot of people don't realize
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  it. I didn't realize it either.
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  Yeah. We also don't you get so used to
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  being in that hyper vigilant state.
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  Yeah. That it becomes your norm.
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  Yes. That you think you're calm, you
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  think you're relaxed, you think you're good because it's become
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  so familiar that it's like, oh, this is, this is normal until
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  you have an experience of down regulating your nervous system
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  being like, Oh no, this is rest. Yeah, I got it.
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  Yeah. So now I have it's it's a big
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  part of my work is really around the nervous system.
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  I have a have a freebie on my website called Cultivating
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  safety Meditation, which is to start to retrain ourselves to,
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  to build that capacity of safety of being in our body and down
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  regulating our nervous system. So it's like you do that once a
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  day and you'll start to notice the rest of your day when you're
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  operating outside of your window of tolerance.
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  So. Yeah, so good.
• 15:04
  We'll talk about that more in a minute.
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  But I want to talk next about confidently setting boundaries.
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  We've already mentioned the no period.
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  You talked about how now you come up a retreat, you head to
• 15:15
  the Korean spa, you care for yourself, you tend to yourself,
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  you block out that time. This is an important.
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  I think that what people don't realize with boundaries is that
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  it's part of yourself care. It's part of your plan for
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  Wellness and how you go about that.
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  You can communicate these things kindly but firmly because and
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  and around your time around who you surround yourself around
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  what you say yes to, taking that pause.
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  So talk to me about how you got to that understanding of the no.
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  Well, my understanding of it came from seeing how much I was
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  a yes person, how much I abandoned myself.
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  Yeah. Physically and emotionally, just
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  not listening and wanting to please and take care of
• 16:06
  everyone. And it's, it's learned.
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  It's learned behavior. You know, I, my, my mom always
• 16:15
  prioritized us. My dad is the sweetest man and
• 16:21
  just wants to please. So it's like both parents who
• 16:24
  models that me. Yeah, my dad is, you know,
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  amazing man, but a workaholic loves what he does.
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  And so it's like, oh, learning to just like prioritize that
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  over rest. Like, keep going.
• 16:38
  There's gifts to it. You know, as an entrepreneur,
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  I'm like, all right. Like, I know how to like to, you
• 16:44
  know, hit, hit the grind and keep going.
• 16:47
  But having to unlearn that, having to see where my mom
• 16:52
  poured everything into us, but sometimes and and got so
• 16:56
  fulfilled by it and sometimes forgot about herself.
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  So having to unlearn those behaviors and then learning to
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  literally use the word boundary. I think a lot of times when we
• 17:12
  mean boundary, we don't necessarily use the word with
• 17:16
  people. We'll say, you know, I prefer or
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  I don't want you to or I would like.
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  And so people see it more as like a suggestion or preference.
• 17:26
  But there's so much power. Here's the word.
• 17:29
  This is a boundary for me. I mean, nobody, none of us want
• 17:35
  to be the person that crosses someone's boundary, right?
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  And so when you hear it, it's like this light bulb of like,
• 17:41
  Ding, Ding, Ding. OK, I'm gonna take serious.
• 17:43
  Whatever they say after this, This is not a preference.
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  This is a boundary for them. So I, I, you know, you're gonna
• 17:51
  really be mindful of that. So there's real power in that.
• 17:54
  And, and getting that boundaries are your friend.
• 17:57
  Mm. Hmm, that that having boundaries
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  of your friend and that your boundaries are very much
• 18:03
  correlated with your values. And if you're not sure you know
• 18:07
  what your values are, look at the things that you would have
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  boundaries about. If you're not sure where to set
• 18:13
  boundaries, look at the things that you value.
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  And so it's also come from me really valuing myself care,
• 18:21
  right? Valuing my will be valuing my
• 18:26
  happiness, valuing my satisfaction.
• 18:29
  And I'm like, Oh, well, if I want the, if I really value
• 18:33
  these things, then I have to set these boundaries and the and to
• 18:38
  recognize that boundaries aren't just with other people, but also
• 18:42
  with yourself. Yeah, yes, yes.
• 18:46
  I think that's such an important that I'm so glad you said that.
• 18:49
  Boundaries with ourself. I'm going to, you know, I, you
• 18:52
  know, working from home, I have to set clear boundaries with
• 18:55
  myself of like, OK, I'm stepping out of work mode and into my
• 18:59
  life mode. I used to do a thing when I
• 19:01
  first started doing it, where I'd go in the garage.
• 19:04
  This started happening during COVID because I'd never worked
• 19:06
  from home before. I'd get in my car, drive around
• 19:09
  the block, drive back into the garage, just to tell my mind and
• 19:14
  my system that I was now I was walking out of work, I was
• 19:18
  walking back into my home. Sometimes it was a walk.
• 19:20
  It wasn't always driving. Now I'm able to just kind of
• 19:23
  step outside, you know, go out, look outside, go out, get the
• 19:27
  mail, go look at my pool, whatever the case is, and to
• 19:31
  kind of just let myself know. So I'm so glad you brought up
• 19:34
  the boundaries for yourself. And it's just that when you when
• 19:39
  you say it in that way, if people like, oh, this is
• 19:41
  something I need to honor, this is not something she's hoping I
• 19:45
  heard or suggesting I consider. This is a way of honoring her.
• 19:50
  She's serious about this. So thank you for pointing that
• 19:52
  out. I think that's really important
• 19:54
  distinction, you know, for us to make.
• 19:56
  I love that. All right, taking care of our
• 19:59
  emotional health, mental health. Physical health, spiritual
• 20:04
  health, soul health, which we're going to get to the soul piece
• 20:07
  in a minute. This is what your work is about.
• 20:10
  Like this is really embodies all of that.
• 20:14
  You mentioned it some already that working with the nervous
• 20:16
  system, that recognition of the reset, the power of not
• 20:21
  operating up here and getting, you know, at all times, because
• 20:25
  I understand what that means. And when I started realizing I
• 20:29
  was here, I started the day here and then I went here instead of
• 20:32
  starting the day here and maybe creeping up here before I reset
• 20:36
  myself. I, I, my nervous system was kind
• 20:39
  of a little bit wigged out because it was used to me
• 20:44
  showing up in a certain way. And so I really had to.
• 20:47
  You talk about unlearning and relearning to get to teach your
• 20:51
  system and yourself the healthier new habits of like
• 20:56
  it's safe here now. You mentioned safegiving.
• 20:58
  That's such a huge part of this. It is safe here now you're in a
• 21:01
  safe space, a safe environment. It's OK to come down.
• 21:05
  You don't have to. You don't have to live and
• 21:07
  waiting for the shoe to drop mode.
• 21:09
  You don't no one. You don't have to people please
• 21:12
  to be valued and accepted and loved.
• 21:16
  You know, So talk to me about this evolution of your work into
• 21:20
  this space, because this is. Key yeah, my work started out
• 21:28
  really being about unlearning what we learned from childhood.
• 21:31
  And then it went deeper to understanding that it's not only
• 21:34
  unlearning the the behaviors and the beliefs that we inherited
• 21:41
  from mom and dad, but it's also learning to come out of our
• 21:47
  survival strategies and learn to tend to the inner child.
• 21:55
  And people hear the inner child. And it's like, well, what
• 21:58
  exactly is that? Well, the way I like to define
• 22:01
  it is, yes, it's two things. It's the younger version of you
• 22:05
  that had those experiences that formed your personality, that
• 22:10
  formed your strategies and all that.
• 22:14
  But it's also the part of you that feels so.
• 22:18
  All your emotions is your inner child.
• 22:23
  Whether you are happy, excited, elated, calm or horny, or
• 22:33
  disgusted, afraid, angry, sad, disappointed, all of those is
• 22:41
  your inner child. It's your inner being and you
• 22:45
  know it's your energy. Your inner child is your energy,
• 22:49
  your frequency. You know, you've heard this,
• 22:51
  that your emotions are just energy and motion.
• 22:56
  The problem is that we have forgot to allow those energies
• 23:02
  to be expressed to be in motion and we've turned into society
• 23:11
  predominantly most people that suppresses certain emotions and
• 23:20
  that causes a lot of stuck energy and that causes a lot of
• 23:26
  lack of safety because and and it also desensitizes our nervous
• 23:33
  system for the quote UN quote sensations, the sensations of
• 23:39
  the energy. So now here we are as adults
• 23:45
  saying, oh, I don't want to feel this.
• 23:47
  It's this is so uncomfortable for me or this is so unfamiliar
• 23:51
  to me. And that's because you have
• 23:55
  desensitized yourself from it. It's not OK, yeah, not OK to
• 24:01
  feel this way. And we have forgotten how to
• 24:05
  feel. Mm hmm.
• 24:08
  We think we're feeling, but we're actually thinking about
• 24:12
  the feeling, or we're numbing the feeling, or we're judging
• 24:16
  the feeling, or we're talking verbally, verbally talking about
• 24:20
  the feeling, or we're stuffing a feeling down.
• 24:26
  We're doing anything but actually feeling it in a way
• 24:31
  that it expresses itself in the way that the energy could
• 24:35
  actually move. Yeah.
• 24:38
  And our nervous system can metabolize that energy and learn
• 24:46
  it again. And so the lack of safety
• 24:52
  compounds because your nervous system is always working for
• 24:58
  you. It's always listening on safety
• 25:02
  or threat. I mean, thank God.
• 25:05
  Yeah, absolutely. And it's it's capacity in that
• 25:09
  way. The problem is that we've
• 25:11
  created so much false sense of threat.
• 25:16
  We're not being chased by a, a, a, a tiger, but but we will say,
• 25:26
  I don't want to feel this way or I can't feel this or this is
• 25:29
  scary or something wrong. And that reaction is the same to
• 25:36
  our nervous system. And it's basically signaling the
• 25:40
  nervous system. This is not safe.
• 25:43
  So your nervous system says OK, well then I'm going to protect.
• 25:47
  You. From it and I'm going to protect
• 25:49
  you from it by putting you into those heightened states of fight
• 25:53
  flight trees or please. So mine were always to either
• 26:00
  freeze, right, not breathe, just freeze no more please.
• 26:05
  And so as we learn again, to express our emotions, to feel
• 26:16
  what is there fully, Yeah, what we're doing is we're letting the
• 26:20
  nervous system know, oh, there's no line behind door #2 come,
• 26:25
  come, come, look with me, This is safe.
• 26:28
  And let me express it so that you can learn this again, that
• 26:33
  the nervous system can learn this frequency so that next time
• 26:39
  it happens, it metabolizes it so fast.
• 26:44
  You know, the nervous system, your nervous system responds 10
• 26:49
  times faster than your mind does.
• 26:52
  Wow. So This is why thinking
• 26:57
  positive, having good intentions is not enough.
• 27:01
  Yeah. Because something happens.
• 27:05
  Something gets triggered and your nervous system responds in
• 27:09
  .2 seconds and it reaches your conscious awareness in two
• 27:14
  seconds. But for you, it's really fast.
• 27:17
  Yeah, but there's a gap there. Yeah.
• 27:20
  And I mean, thank God for that. Which is why if you're driving
• 27:24
  in a car and somebody slams on their brake and then suddenly
• 27:27
  you, you need to slam on your brakes so you don't run into
• 27:29
  them. Yeah, it your body's able to
• 27:31
  respond before you're even like, oh, brake, it's not your fault.
• 27:37
  It's not your mind. And so the power is that when we
• 27:41
  learn again to express our emotions and train our nervous
• 27:47
  system for that energy, the next time that emotion gets
• 27:52
  triggered, it doesn't have to reach your conscious mind where
• 27:58
  it actually interrupts your present moment.
• 28:03
  It metabolizes it quickly because it's familiar, it's
• 28:09
  safe, so it knows what to do. And if you look at certain
• 28:14
  people are comfortable in chaos and certain people will freeze
• 28:20
  in chaos. I had a friend that grew up with
• 28:26
  a lot of, you know, chaos in her household and a lot of all that
• 28:30
  growing up. And so it was something that she
• 28:32
  was very comfortable with. Her nervous system knew what to
• 28:34
  do and things like that. And her boyfriend grew up very,
• 28:38
  very safe, very vanilla household, right?
• 28:41
  Very protected and they went for a hike and this person fell off
• 28:46
  the bike that was on the hike and and injured themselves and
• 28:51
  like broke their, their, their arm or something like that.
• 28:55
  Yeah. And my girlfriend said she ran
• 28:58
  right over to help this person and her boyfriend froze.
• 29:04
  He was like. And so again, it's all because
• 29:08
  what is already programmed as OK for your system, as safe for
• 29:15
  your system. If it's safe for your system and
• 29:16
  your system knows it, it's going to take care of it quicker than
• 29:20
  you'll even have to think about it.
• 29:22
  Yeah. So it's not about, it's about
• 29:25
  never feeling these feelings again.
• 29:27
  Like I don't ever want to feel fear again.
• 29:30
  It's about being so being able to express fear, which was one
• 29:36
  of mine, so much so that and it was specifically as an
• 29:42
  entrepreneur around the UPS, ups and downs of business, We have
• 29:47
  moments where fear, money's not going to come in and we're going
• 29:50
  to lose it all and all this stuff.
• 29:53
  So having to program it in, be so comfortable with fear,
• 29:58
  expressing fear, feeling fear that I'm not on the roller
• 30:04
  coaster anymore. I'm not taken for the ride.
• 30:08
  Yeah. And it's not that fear doesn't
• 30:11
  come up for me in moments in my life or in my business.
• 30:17
  It's that I don't have to think about what to do with it.
• 30:21
  It's already processed and handled and I'm able to just
• 30:26
  keep being present, keep moving through with whatever's in front
• 30:31
  of me. Yeah.
• 30:33
  Oh, my gosh, This is the best description of how this works
• 30:37
  within us. Thank you so much.
• 30:40
  That was a master class because it really makes it tangible.
• 30:45
  Oh, that makes sense to me because one of the first things
• 30:48
  when I was reading your bio, when I got a notification that
• 30:51
  we were a match on pod match, I read about the fact that you
• 30:55
  talked about one of my pet peeves in life is the, and
• 31:01
  people have heard me talk about this before, is the gratitude
• 31:03
  journal is the solution to all of our how we feel those.
• 31:08
  And it's just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're skipping a
• 31:11
  whole bunch of steps here. We've got to be able to process
• 31:14
  and move through and feel and acknowledge all of our emotions.
• 31:18
  And we have to take the titles off of good and bad, their clues
• 31:23
  and knowing how to process them and feel them is a superpower.
• 31:28
  But it's within all of us. If we're willing to acknowledge,
• 31:32
  accept and do this, this work that lets our nervous system
• 31:36
  know and it just allows. And then it allows us to show up
• 31:41
  authentically. I don't have to try to, you
• 31:44
  know, find this think my way to it because I am naturally
• 31:49
  authentically living it out because I'm allowing myself
• 31:53
  space to feel process, move through my system knows.
• 31:57
  And so it's not this orchestrated thing that's
• 32:01
  temporary. It's truly coming from within me
• 32:04
  because I I approach my emotions without judgment, without
• 32:09
  curiosity. When something new comes up,
• 32:12
  Yes, so much easier. We over think it, yes, we over
• 32:19
  complicated it, complicate it. I'm, you know, gratitude is
• 32:25
  great and thinking positive is great, but not on its own right.
• 32:32
  It's I, I see them as like beautiful seeds that would
• 32:38
  blossom into roses that you could buy at, you know, the Home
• 32:44
  Depot Gardens store. But if your garden is full of
• 32:49
  weeds, there's no room to plant that.
• 32:53
  And so it's useless. But if you learn to clear the
• 32:59
  energy that is stagnant, that is stuck to get those emotions
• 33:05
  moving and flowing and a part of who you are, that anytime they
• 33:09
  arise, your nervous system just says, OK, cool, yeah, let's
• 33:12
  process it, let's digest it, let's metabolize it and let's
• 33:15
  keep moving. Yeah, then there is room for
• 33:19
  that gratitude practice. There is room for manifesting
• 33:23
  and visualizing all the great beautiful things that you could
• 33:26
  think of think of. But the key is to that and is
• 33:31
  people ask me like, how do you know your how do you know your
• 33:33
  nervous system is metabolizing things obese and you know the
• 33:38
  nervous system metabolizes in ways like tremoring, like your
• 33:42
  body shaping, hot or cold flashes, temperature changes,
• 33:47
  yawning, burping, your eyes tearing or crying, or you know,
• 33:55
  needing to have that big cathartic scream or really dance
• 34:00
  and move the body. Those are all the ways that your
• 34:05
  nervous system starts to metabolize and discharge the
• 34:10
  excess energy. Yeah.
• 34:13
  Thank you for explaining that, because that was the next thing
• 34:15
  I was going to ask. And I will tell you, when I
• 34:17
  started allowing space for myself to do this a few years
• 34:20
  ago, I remember my therapist telling me you're going to have
• 34:25
  moments where you're just going to be crying and you're not
• 34:28
  really sure why. It's because your system finally
• 34:32
  feels safe enough to release this grief, this sadness that
• 34:36
  your inner I was had done a lot of inner child work.
• 34:39
  I had spoken to my inner child at different phases in her life.
• 34:42
  I'd let her know I was here for her.
• 34:45
  I'd let her know it was safe, that I had this, that she didn't
• 34:48
  have to run the show in this way anymore.
• 34:51
  And I had weeks and I would just sob and my husband would just
• 34:56
  hold me and I would feel safe. And, and it was so that was
• 35:03
  like, that was the clue to letting me know that it was
• 35:06
  finally releasing. It was finally moving through.
• 35:10
  And so I think that's such a great distinction that
• 35:13
  metabolizing, that's such a great word for letting people
• 35:18
  know that it's been processed and that it's releasing.
• 35:22
  I think that's just so powerful. And I know for me, having safe
• 35:27
  people around me, like my husband is a safe zone for my
• 35:31
  nervous system if I'm feel. Yeah, so, and I'm very lucky.
• 35:35
  I'm so lucky that way. I'm so thankful.
• 35:37
  I have so much gratitude for that and appreciation for that.
• 35:41
  But I also know if something I'm working through something and
• 35:43
  I'm feeling an anxiousness coming up and I'm getting
• 35:46
  curious as to why this is coming from and why I'm feeling unsafe
• 35:50
  in it. He's AI can go and like I need a
• 35:52
  hug and he can wrap me up and my body can settle and it allows me
• 35:58
  to do that. So also finding spaces, places,
• 36:01
  people that if you feel something coming up and to get
• 36:05
  curious and be in that space with that person, get that hug,
• 36:09
  get by, get in nature, get whatever that speed your bedroom
• 36:13
  with a candle and creating that safe space to allow it to
• 36:17
  happen. Agreed 100%.
• 36:21
  I do want to say something about crying to some people with
• 36:24
  certain learned survival strategies are are are leakers
• 36:33
  are criers that that was that's me.
• 36:36
  And there's a difference between metabolizing, discharging,
• 36:41
  crying and indulging and like crying, crying, like you're
• 36:47
  drowning in it from a place of hopelessness.
• 36:51
  And so you really want to be mindful of are you adding wood
• 36:55
  to a fire that you actually want to put out?
• 36:59
  And this is where understanding that the mind and the body have
• 37:04
  to work cohesively together. Like if you are upset about
• 37:09
  something, but then you're also telling yourself all these other
• 37:13
  stories that are made-up that only make you feel more upset,
• 37:18
  then it's going to feel never ending.
• 37:21
  And it's not going to feel like it really is going to feel more
• 37:24
  like you're drowning. Hopelessness.
• 37:27
  Yeah. So really being mindful of how
• 37:30
  we speak to ourselves, which a lot of times, you know, for a
• 37:35
  lot of people, is they put themselves down, they judge
• 37:38
  themselves. And so there is a need to look
• 37:41
  at the root of that, to look at like, where did you learn to
• 37:45
  talk to yourself that way? Did mom talk to you that way?
• 37:48
  And now you learn to treat yourself that same way and to
• 37:52
  start to shift out, you talk to yourself.
• 37:55
  And This is why I always like to give the metaphor of your inner
• 37:59
  child is your emotions. And so anytime you feel
• 38:04
  something, especially for people that tend to be hard on
• 38:09
  themselves and judge themselves and and make up all these
• 38:13
  negative stories about themselves, especially for them,
• 38:17
  anytime you feel something, I want you to use the
• 38:20
  visualization of picturing your younger self walking into the
• 38:24
  bedroom and telling you, I feel dot dot dot, like I feel sad.
• 38:30
  I feel sad because Susie didn't want to play with me today at
• 38:33
  the playground. And imagine holding that little
• 38:38
  girl and saying it's OK. Yeah, of course you're sad.
• 38:41
  Validating and acknowledging what you're feeling as opposed
• 38:45
  to saying, well, that's because you're stupid and you're ugly
• 38:48
  and no one's ever going to want to.
• 38:51
  Well, as adults, we do that to ourselves.
• 38:53
  Yeah. You know, we get ghosted on a
• 38:56
  date, You know, after a date, you think you had a great time.
• 38:59
  You think you're going to hear from.
• 39:00
  From the guy or the gal, and then they ghost you and you're
• 39:05
  upset about that. But on top of being upset about
• 39:08
  that, you start saying to yourself, it's probably never
• 39:10
  going to happen for me. I'm always going to be alone.
• 39:13
  What's wrong with me? And that is so detrimental to
• 39:18
  actually moving through the current.
• 39:20
  Experience, Yeah, Yeah. Thank you for that.
• 39:24
  That was really good. And also, too, I think we treat
• 39:28
  thoughts as truth, and we really have to dismantle the thoughts
• 39:31
  that are actually true versus the thoughts that are just old
• 39:35
  narratives that we need to dismantle and replace with new,
• 39:40
  actual true thoughts. Yeah.
• 39:43
  Yeah. And so I think this is where
• 39:45
  journaling is good. Like if you find your spiraling
• 39:48
  is what I like to call it, then you need to dump it all out on a
• 39:51
  piece of paper. And once you're done dumping it
• 39:55
  out, you look for the feelings. You look for the eye.
• 39:58
  I feel I am. And that's where you need to
• 40:03
  learn to nurture yourself, to picture holding yourself and
• 40:07
  validating, acknowledging, because that's what a child
• 40:11
  needed. And by the way, that's what US
• 40:13
  adults need too. We need validation and
• 40:16
  acknowledgement of exactly what we're feeling because it is what
• 40:19
  we're feeling. Yeah.
• 40:20
  Yeah. It's I, I, I love using the
• 40:23
  metaphor, as you could tell. I'm a metaphor whore.
• 40:27
  I love using the metaphor of there's an ocean of your
• 40:31
  emotions and you need to learn to ride the waves.
• 40:38
  And so warming up to even get in the water if you're a surfer.
• 40:42
  I don't surf. But yeah, our good friend, you
• 40:45
  lose a surfer, she's going to test before you get in the
• 40:49
  water. You would stretch, you would do
• 40:52
  something to warm up your body. You'd probably put a wet suit in
• 40:56
  most parts of the world if you're going to surf.
• 40:59
  And that's the like, getting safe to be in your body.
• 41:03
  Like, let me actually get in my body to feel the sensations that
• 41:07
  are there and sensations, the language of the nervous system.
• 41:11
  Yeah. So when we speak the sensations,
• 41:14
  what I mean by that is like, oh, I'm feeling angry.
• 41:17
  And there's a tightness in my chest and it's hot and it's
• 41:20
  heavy. So when you start to name all
• 41:23
  the sensations that are showing up physically around the emotion
• 41:27
  that you're feeling, that's the first place that's like you
• 41:30
  dipping your toe in the water. You're signaling to your nervous
• 41:34
  baby. So safe.
• 41:35
  Let's get in the water here. Yeah.
• 41:37
  But now you're in the water, and if you're resisting the current,
• 41:43
  if you're resisting the current wave, if you're resisting the
• 41:47
  current emotion that is actually there for you, you're just going
• 41:50
  to get smacked down. Yeah.
• 41:53
  So the whole opportunity is to learn to meet yourself exactly
• 41:59
  where you're at. Not asking, not judging it, not
• 42:02
  asking. Why do I feel this way?
• 42:05
  Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel this way?
• 42:07
  Analysis paralysis. That'll just paralyze you, and
• 42:10
  you're just going to get smacked with the wave.
• 42:12
  And as we learned, accept whatever current is there.
• 42:17
  We could ride it. Ride it, sure.
• 42:21
  In 90 seconds. So there was a Harvard Tree
• 42:24
  neuroscientist, Dr. Jill Bolt Miller that talks about that you
• 42:29
  can move through an emotion in 90 seconds if you're not judging
• 42:32
  it, resisting it, or running from it. 90 seconds is actually
• 42:38
  a long period of time for an adult sure to to fully express
• 42:45
  an emotion. Now a child, 90 seconds is, is
• 42:49
  is normal for them. It's the parents that is
• 42:53
  triggered by how long that child is expressing that emotion.
• 42:59
  And so a lot of my clients that are parents, I tell them I'm
• 43:02
  like, next time your kid is modeling to you how to feel a
• 43:08
  feeling again by being fully self expressed in it with their
• 43:12
  body language, their facial expressions, their emoting, some
• 43:17
  sound. Just set a timer and watch and
• 43:20
  allow them to have the experience and notice that when
• 43:24
  you give them permission and even better, cheer them on and
• 43:29
  say, yeah, it's OK, yeah, it's OK.
• 43:31
  Feel it all the way. Feel it that they'll be done in
• 43:36
  about 90 seconds. And if they're not done in 90
• 43:39
  seconds, it's because they're riding multiple waves of
• 43:43
  emotions like they're, you know, upset.
• 43:46
  But then they're also exhausted and you know, then they're so or
• 43:51
  they're angry that there's multiple emotions that they're
• 43:55
  riding through, especially if they if you told them all day
• 44:00
  long to be good because you're out in public or you're in a
• 44:05
  restaurant. So it's like they're stuffing
• 44:06
  down all these things. Then they come home and they
• 44:08
  have what you call what you call a 5 minute tantrum, where for
• 44:13
  them it's just moving through, let's say 3 or 4 emotions.
• 44:19
  Yeah. And so we get to learn how to
• 44:23
  ride the waves for 90 seconds the way a child would.
• 44:28
  What is it to feel a feeling? I'm like, express it as if you
• 44:32
  were two years, two years old. Yeah.
• 44:34
  So stop using words and just use your give all your energy, your
• 44:40
  body to it. If you're an if you're an actor
• 44:44
  and you go in for an audition, you and the hundred other people
• 44:50
  in line for that audition have the exact same scripts, same
• 44:56
  words. The difference is how you
• 45:00
  express the emotions behind the words, how you act it out.
• 45:06
  So forget about talking about how angry or annoyed or sad you
• 45:11
  are, and just act it out so that you can win that role.
• 45:19
  Yeah. So what's the body language?
• 45:22
  What's the facial expression? What sound would you emote?
• 45:28
  Yeah. And set a timer yourself for 90
• 45:33
  seconds and you'll see, wow, 90 seconds of acting this out.
• 45:39
  It's actually long, but it's also the perfect amount of time
• 45:44
  to retrain your nervous system for this, for this energy, like
• 45:49
  programming that data in into your nervous system.
• 45:52
  Yeah. And, you know, lastly, I'll say
• 45:55
  that the the other thing that I find that people struggle with
• 46:01
  is not accurately knowing what they're feeling.
• 46:05
  We have a very limited vocabulary of sad, annoyed,
• 46:11
  angry, you know, depressed. Like there's people always
• 46:15
  default to saying, let's say I'm sad.
• 46:18
  When are you sad or are you discouraged or are you
• 46:21
  disappointed? It's hard to and it's here we
• 46:25
  say the other three, they feel a little different.
• 46:30
  Yeah, they would all be expressed a little different.
• 46:32
  If I'm a casting director and I tell you act out sad versus act
• 46:37
  out disheartened versus act out discouraged, you'd be a slight
• 46:42
  difference. And so there's a tool, there's
• 46:46
  there's a, there's a graph called the mood meter.
• 46:51
  You can Google it right now, pull up many images of it.
• 46:55
  It's from Yale University's study of like, emotional
• 47:00
  intelligence. And it is a graph that expands
• 47:03
  your vocabulary. So I'll tell people how you use
• 47:08
  it is before you look at it, tune into whatever it is you
• 47:14
  think you're feeling. I'm, I'm sad, right?
• 47:19
  I like using that one and then look at the graph and locate SAD
• 47:26
  on it, and then look at the ones that are around SAD and see if
• 47:32
  you could find the more accurate one for you.
• 47:36
  Now that you've found the accurate one, allow yourself for
• 47:41
  90 seconds to let it be the star to act it out.
• 47:48
  Lily. Yeah, and then check in.
• 47:51
  How do you feel at the end? How do you feel at the end of
• 47:54
  those 90 seconds? You'll feel one of two ways.
• 47:57
  You'll either feel like you landed on shore, like you're
• 48:00
  back to, like, calm, safe, expansive, open.
• 48:05
  Or you'll feel like you hit another wave, 'cause sometimes
• 48:08
  one wave doesn't bring you to shore.
• 48:10
  Sure. You hit another one.
• 48:12
  Yeah. Sometimes underneath the, you
• 48:15
  know, the, the anger. Is this disappointed?
• 48:19
  Yeah. And so, oh, another 90 seconds.
• 48:23
  And by the way, for some people I know, I've just talked about
• 48:28
  the quote UN quote unpleasant emotions.
• 48:32
  For some people, it's the pleasant emotions that they
• 48:35
  don't allow themselves to bask in.
• 48:37
  Yeah. How many of you won't allow
• 48:40
  yourself to really celebrate, to feel the joy, to feel the calm,
• 48:46
  you know the excitement? If you know you have a tendency
• 48:50
  to more wallow in the low pleasant stuff and you're
• 48:56
  actually happy about something, can you for 90 seconds really
• 49:01
  give yourself an opportunity to be fully self expressed and act
• 49:05
  out happiness? Yeah.
• 49:07
  I'm so glad you said that. I think that's a very important
• 49:11
  piece. Foreboding joy was a partner of
• 49:14
  mine for years and I finally started doing a thing where when
• 49:22
  I would feel the joy, I would turn on my favorite music and
• 49:26
  dance around to the at the house to my favorite music to allow
• 49:30
  myself to feel the joy, whatever that was.
• 49:33
  Instead of having this waiting for the shoe to drop, you know,
• 49:37
  moment where it was going to be gone, really naming it, basking
• 49:42
  in it. I did it last week when I got
• 49:44
  some news and I felt that feeling inside me and I turned
• 49:47
  on my favorite music, got my my speaker out and I just bounced
• 49:50
  around the house for 1520 minutes.
• 49:54
  And but that, but ten years ago, I would have been like even five
• 49:58
  years ago as I was learning to do this, I would have been in
• 50:01
  that foreboding joy mode. So I'm so glad you mentioned
• 50:04
  that because that's a very, this applies to all of our emotions
• 50:08
  and we tend to think that it only applies to the hard ones.
• 50:12
  It applies to all of them, depending on what your
• 50:14
  background is. Exactly and This is why I used
• 50:18
  to be just serious. People were like she's tense,
• 50:22
  she's serious. By the way for those of you that
• 50:24
  know astrology, I have 4 planets in Scorpio.
• 50:27
  That's my excuse for my entity. But that being said, as I
• 50:38
  allowed myself to be silly, to be playful, right?
• 50:42
  That's why now it's like the full spectrum for me.
• 50:44
  Like, yeah, I could be serious, but I could also really be silly
• 50:47
  and happy and playful. Yeah, yeah.
• 50:51
  That's awesome. I love that.
• 50:52
  I love it. The nuance of it, OK, how we can
• 50:54
  support ourselves and other women in living
• 50:57
  unapologetically. You do this beautifully.
• 51:01
  Now this is something you have learned how to show up in and
• 51:04
  you do it really well, really organically.
• 51:07
  Talked about your journey to getting there.
• 51:11
  Yeah, I mean, guys, this is The Who you see today is a product
• 51:17
  of doing the inner work. Like maybe I was Born This Way,
• 51:23
  but at some point I lost my way as we all do, and forgot my
• 51:27
  essence, forgot who I really was, you know, had low self
• 51:30
  esteem, had no self love. I spent, I was very codependent
• 51:36
  in all my relationships. You know, I grew up in a
• 51:39
  household, God bless my mother, but her motto was think positive
• 51:46
  and so there wasn't room to feel the quote UN quote unpleasant
• 51:50
  image. She didn't realize how much she
• 51:53
  was gaslighting me or not training me to know how to hold
• 51:58
  myself and nurture myself when things felt not positive.
• 52:01
  Yeah, things felt unpossible. And so I became the girl that
• 52:06
  didn't know how to nurture herself.
• 52:08
  And so I was very dependent on others to make me feel better,
• 52:11
  whether it was always meaning friends or dumping on my
• 52:16
  boyfriend's in that way, Basically not knowing how to be
• 52:21
  with myself. I couldn't be with that inner
• 52:23
  child. Yeah.
• 52:24
  Anytime I was with myself, I would feel so much anxiety and
• 52:29
  panic because I didn't know how to feel those feelings.
• 52:33
  So I would go into my patterns of freezing or people pleasing.
• 52:39
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 52:40
  And so the codependency, you know, bled into romantic
• 52:45
  relationships and then even my lack of belief of myself to be a
• 52:51
  coach, to have my own business. So I, you know, I didn't start
• 52:55
  this business till I was 35. I'm 45 now.
• 52:58
  And so there was a lot of failed careers and relationships and
• 53:06
  codependency in relationships because I didn't know how to
• 53:10
  nurture myself, how to believe in myself, how to have any kind
• 53:14
  of self love or self-care. And So what you're seeing today
• 53:19
  is to show you that there is hope for you too.
• 53:23
  You can overcome those things if you relate to them.
• 53:26
  And that it's not who you are. Yeah.
• 53:30
  It's what you learned to be. Either you learned it from mom
• 53:35
  and dad, or you learned it because you needed to to
• 53:38
  survive. But the good news is that if you
• 53:41
  learned it, you can also unlearn it.
• 53:43
  You can become the editor, you can retrain your nervous system.
• 53:48
  And that's the work that I started doing.
• 53:51
  And I've been in self development for 20 years.
• 53:55
  But the first ten years of it was I was trying to find the
• 53:58
  tools that would get me to a place of inner peace and
• 54:04
  freedom. Yeah.
• 54:05
  And a lot of my early work. And this is, you know, also
• 54:09
  because where self development was in in the early 2000s or
• 54:15
  even prior to was seminars that were mindset work, NLP work,
• 54:21
  there wasn't so much available like we have today of
• 54:25
  understanding inner child work and somatics and breath work and
• 54:29
  all the things. So it took me a while because I
• 54:33
  was just trimming weeds for years.
• 54:35
  Yeah, it's great. And and you know, then I met my
• 54:40
  mentor about 11 1/2 years ago, the body mind psychologist.
• 54:47
  And that was my first introduction to inner child
• 54:51
  work, to understanding that it's all learned from mom and dad.
• 54:56
  And it was my first experience of transformation is not a walk
• 55:02
  in the park on a beautiful sunny day.
• 55:06
  Meaning it's not go to a seminar and go to Tony Robbins and be
• 55:11
  like, woo Hoo, you know, like hyped up and Oh my God, I feel
• 55:15
  amazing and going home. And that's not enough.
• 55:19
  It could make a few minor transformative changes in you.
• 55:23
  But the the big stuff, the big weeds in the garden so to speak,
• 55:29
  are are like Dragons in a burning forest that you need to
• 55:35
  slay. Meaning when I finally worked
• 55:38
  with my mentor, I felt like I was feeling things that I never
• 55:44
  ever thought were there. The grief, the anger, the hurt,
• 55:50
  the sadness, so many things that I buried.
• 55:54
  And it was not comfortable. It was like a burning forest.
• 55:59
  And, you know, I had to play the Dragons that kept me, you know,
• 56:04
  that that kept me in this false identity.
• 56:08
  Yeah. And when I did that on the other
• 56:12
  side of it, it was so worth it. It was what had me start my
• 56:16
  business is I just wanted the freedom, an inner peace that I
• 56:22
  finally at 30, what was I at the time 34 years old that I finally
• 56:29
  experienced after 9-10 years. I just wanted that for other
• 56:35
  people. And so when I started my
• 56:38
  business, it was just about that.
• 56:39
  It was, it was, it was called Journey to Love and it was just
• 56:43
  about journey self love into that inner peace.
• 56:47
  And I never imagined I'd be where I'm at today, which is
• 56:51
  training other coaches, healers or people that want to step into
• 56:55
  coaching in my method. Like having a certification
• 56:58
  program was never part of my plan, but it was my students, my
• 57:03
  clients that would say to me a year into business, I want to
• 57:07
  learn to do what you do. I've never experienced and four
• 57:11
  years later, I finally listened and started to develop in.
• 57:16
  Here I am five years later, running my biggest cohort, now
• 57:20
  my 9th cohort, and seeing this method spread and seeing more
• 57:25
  people have access to that inner peace, inner freedom, and
• 57:31
  knowing that it's not just for people who had a tough
• 57:35
  childhood. It's not just about healing from
• 57:39
  your past. It's about equipping you to be
• 57:43
  resilient in the present and the future that's coming 'cause you
• 57:48
  and I, Melissa, are both old enough to know that life does
• 57:52
  not stop giving you challenges, right?
• 57:56
  And opportunities for growth and, and the only way that you
• 58:02
  can face those is if you are resilient in your nervous
• 58:08
  system, if you built that capacity.
• 58:11
  I can't tell you how many past clients of mine reach out to me
• 58:14
  years later and say not, I'm going through the toughest
• 58:20
  experience in my life right now. And I'm so grateful you taught
• 58:23
  me what you did because I feel so capable.
• 58:27
  Like they don't need another coach or a therapist or
• 58:30
  anything. They're just like I, I, I have
• 58:32
  the tool, I know what I need to do.
• 58:35
  And so I want to preface that because some people think that,
• 58:39
  you know, doing in our work is just for those of us that had
• 58:42
  tough childhoods in some way, shape or form, But it's also for
• 58:46
  those that grew up very lucky, very blessed.
• 58:49
  How you know how how resilient do you want to because life is
• 58:55
  is challenging and and also very opportunist at times.
• 59:02
  Yeah, yeah. I'm so glad you pointed that out
• 59:05
  that second-half of like, because if, if you did grow up
• 59:09
  in a, in a fortunate situation, great family, safe surroundings,
• 59:13
  all those things, that's great. It also may not have given you a
• 59:16
  lot of opportunities to learn how to process and move through
• 59:19
  hard things. And life will inevitably throw
• 59:22
  you some of this. So I think that's a really
• 59:24
  important point to make. These frameworks that I talked
• 59:27
  about here on here that we bring on, that we provide, are there
• 59:31
  to keep you on track and support you when the bumps come so that
• 59:37
  you've got something to fall back on.
• 59:39
  Yeah. And and they will come, they
• 59:42
  will and they will, whether it's even just like loss of a loved
• 59:46
  one or a pet or a job or like, you know, chat like you like as
• 59:50
  you go through big milestones in your life from being from being
• 59:54
  a girl. That's like, I'm single.
• 59:57
  I would just like, if only I was in a relationship, then
• 1:00:00
  everything would be great. And then you get in a
• 1:00:02
  relationship and you hit the next.
• 1:00:04
  Level of challenges. Oh, but if only we got married.
• 1:00:08
  And then you get married and you hit the next level.
• 1:00:09
  Oh, and then you have kids and then there's the next.
• 1:00:11
  There's always something there is.
• 1:00:14
  And all that could be handled with so much expansive grace if
• 1:00:25
  you know how to work with your narcissist.
• 1:00:26
  If if you know how to ride the waves and it doesn't matter what
• 1:00:29
  size the wave is in the ocean, you you know that you can come
• 1:00:35
  back to shore or as I like to call it, the land of
• 1:00:40
  possibility. Yeah, I love that.
• 1:00:43
  Oh, that's so good. Oh my gosh.
• 1:00:44
  OK, you mentioned this earlier as being a key component in
• 1:00:50
  self-care and boundaries work. But coming back to your why and
• 1:00:54
  your values and everything you do, I always tell people your
• 1:00:57
  boundaries, your why and values, your expectations, they're all
• 1:01:01
  intertwined and they all inform how you what you expect from
• 1:01:07
  yourself, how you communicate that.
• 1:01:09
  If you communicated that. So talk to me about you're, you
• 1:01:13
  know this. When did you realize the connect
• 1:01:17
  point between your Y and your values to these other pieces?
• 1:01:22
  I think as I was developing these modules inside of my
• 1:01:27
  programs for my students, I have a whole module on boundaries
• 1:01:32
  with self. And it's like sometimes as we're
• 1:01:35
  creating this content, we're also checking in with ourselves.
• 1:01:40
  I think the beauty of being a coach, being a healer, is that
• 1:01:43
  it always keeps you like every client you work with or every
• 1:01:47
  content you put out is also a message or a reflection of you
• 1:01:51
  checking in with. Well, where am I at with this?
• 1:01:54
  Yeah. And so creating, you know,
• 1:01:57
  module and like boundaries with self and then boundaries with
• 1:02:00
  others and coming up with all the teachings around that and
• 1:02:04
  then really seeing like, where am I with that?
• 1:02:07
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are, what is, what's the
• 1:02:10
  why that really drives you at all of this.
• 1:02:13
  I think I know this, but I want to give you a chance to share.
• 1:02:20
  Ending generational trauma, Yeah.
• 1:02:24
  And ending survival, Yeah. That people live at, you know,
• 1:02:30
  fully expressed as creators that we understand that heaven is
• 1:02:37
  actually on earth and that we don't have to live in purgatory
• 1:02:44
  or in hell. We don't have to get stuck in
• 1:02:48
  that. There's a great chart that you
• 1:02:51
  can all pull up. If you Google levels of
• 1:02:56
  consciousness and pull up an image of it, you'll understand
• 1:03:01
  exactly why I just said what I said, because it's a beautiful
• 1:03:08
  chart by oh gosh, I'm forgetting his name.
• 1:03:14
  He also wrote the map of consciousness, Dr. Hawkins, I
• 1:03:17
  want to say. And in this chart, he shows that
• 1:03:23
  there's levels of consciousness, There's, there's shame, there's
• 1:03:27
  guilt, there's anger, there's sadness, there's happiness,
• 1:03:30
  there's, there's jealousy, there's all these things.
• 1:03:33
  And he also shows where these levels, these energies, the
• 1:03:39
  lower ones are ones of victim energy are ones of experiencing
• 1:03:45
  life as hell as purgatory. And what it what as you raise
• 1:03:51
  your consciousness, you move to places of what he calls the in
• 1:03:55
  between to then heaven on earth and that we can experience that.
• 1:04:02
  And I really my experience having been in hell.
• 1:04:07
  Yeah, having felt snuck for many years, even in the world of self
• 1:04:13
  development in my early years of IT to where I am now is that
• 1:04:19
  when you learn to work with your nervous system, when you learn
• 1:04:22
  being human is the full spectrum of all of our emotions.
• 1:04:26
  And that your only job is to let it flow and move and express
• 1:04:30
  through you that and it that I you can experience every day as
• 1:04:37
  more of that heaven on earth. And and not just because you're
• 1:04:41
  feeling it, but because you're also not limiting yourself to go
• 1:04:46
  for the things that you want in life.
• 1:04:49
  That you could have more courage to take big leaps in your life,
• 1:04:53
  to leave a job that you don't like, to leave a relationship
• 1:04:56
  that you're not happy with to to start getting on stages, which
• 1:05:01
  was something for me in the past year that I, that I set out to
• 1:05:05
  do that looking back at myself, I'm like, who is this person?
• 1:05:09
  Like five years ago, I would have never had the courage to do
• 1:05:12
  this to now doing a TE DX talk to, you know, doing keynotes to
• 1:05:17
  doing all that, that you have more courage to go for the
• 1:05:19
  things that you really want that create more of that, you know,
• 1:05:24
  Wow, I'm a creator. This is heaven.
• 1:05:27
  Yeah, heaven on earth. Oh, so good.
• 1:05:30
  Thank you so much for that. And we're going to have links to
• 1:05:33
  those things, that levels of consciousness, the mood meter,
• 1:05:36
  we're going to have links to that along with all of a nuts
• 1:05:38
  resources on our resources page at embracinglayers.com.
• 1:05:43
  So don't worry listeners, we're going to give you access to all
• 1:05:45
  of that. And this really goes nice into
• 1:05:47
  living out of your own expectations versus others.
• 1:05:50
  You have created this for yourself, but you haven't.
• 1:05:53
  I always live there. You talked about being a people
• 1:05:55
  pleaser and codependent, and when you're a people pleaser and
• 1:05:58
  codependent, you're allowing other people's expectations of
• 1:06:02
  you really dictate that you've been able to transition that.
• 1:06:07
  Talk to me about that. We've heard a lot about it
• 1:06:09
  already kind of around that, but talk to me specifically about
• 1:06:13
  just kind of how that feels when you're able to make that
• 1:06:16
  transition. Freeing.
• 1:06:23
  Yeah. You know, I think people think
• 1:06:26
  freedom. When people think of freedom,
• 1:06:28
  they think they need financial freedom.
• 1:06:30
  And sure, that's a bonus. That's great.
• 1:06:33
  But I know many people, I have worked with, many people who
• 1:06:39
  have millions in the bank, and they don't feel free.
• 1:06:44
  They feel trapped. They feel depressed.
• 1:06:46
  They feel unhappy. And that ultimate freedom is the
• 1:06:51
  freedom to feel and acknowledge, feel whatever it is that you're
• 1:06:55
  feeling. That's, that's it.
• 1:06:58
  Yeah. That's the.
• 1:07:01
  Yeah, I'm, yeah, you get to decide that.
• 1:07:04
  I mean, I think that's such an important piece because I think
• 1:07:06
  so many times going back to that financial piece, you can you can
• 1:07:11
  really be imprisoned by that because then they're all of a
• 1:07:13
  sudden there's, you know, you're living by other people's
• 1:07:16
  expectations around you of how you'll show up, what you'll do,
• 1:07:20
  how you'll live all these things rather than really checking in
• 1:07:24
  with yourself and like, OK, how do I want to exist within this?
• 1:07:27
  Am I communicating that to people?
• 1:07:30
  Do I know? Do I know how to communicate?
• 1:07:32
  That to people. I mean, there's so much, so much
• 1:07:35
  in that. And they get stuck in thinking,
• 1:07:38
  you know, that whole thing of, well, I thought when I had all
• 1:07:42
  this money that I'd be happy. And it's it, it is a prison for
• 1:07:48
  some people because the money that they have could buy them
• 1:07:55
  everything almost right, anything.
• 1:07:59
  And they could hire all I, I worked with one woman formerly
• 1:08:06
  married to an A list celebrity. So you could imagine like, you
• 1:08:10
  know, they really had access to everything in the world.
• 1:08:13
  Yeah. And when she started working
• 1:08:16
  with me, she was also had an energy healer and she had a
• 1:08:22
  therapist and she had this doc, you know, therapist.
• 1:08:26
  And I said to her, if you're going to work with me, you need
• 1:08:31
  to pause on everyone else because otherwise fact that you
• 1:08:36
  can have 10 people, you know, every day, you can talk to
• 1:08:39
  another, you know, support system, but you're still
• 1:08:44
  thinking you're relying on that, on them, on us to make you feel
• 1:08:49
  better instead of understanding that the only way to feel better
• 1:08:54
  is to get better at feeling. Oh, that's good.
• 1:08:57
  I like that. That's really good.
• 1:08:59
  The only way to get better is to get better at feeling.
• 1:09:02
  That's really good. I love that you.
• 1:09:04
  Should the only way to feel better?
• 1:09:06
  The only way to feel better. Thank you.
• 1:09:07
  Oh, to get better. To get better at feeling.
• 1:09:12
  That's really good. Thank you for that.
• 1:09:15
  All right. And that this goes beautifully
• 1:09:17
  into accepting the layered aspects of ourselves.
• 1:09:20
  You you use the ocean analogy earlier, which I think was a
• 1:09:24
  really great analogy and learning how to ride these waves
• 1:09:28
  and move these things through. I think this is an analogy we
• 1:09:30
  can use in accepting all the layered aspects of ourselves,
• 1:09:34
  all the pieces and parts of who we are that make up who we are.
• 1:09:38
  Some we love, some we may not. We tend to have, we have a
• 1:09:41
  tendency that we want to stuff the unpleasant things there,
• 1:09:45
  should maybe shame around them, fear around them, anger around
• 1:09:48
  them, sadness around whatever it is, but that you cannot live in
• 1:09:52
  that state forever. We've talked about this whole
• 1:09:55
  time on this conversation, the fact that these things have to
• 1:09:58
  have a chance to be released, to be moved through, to be
• 1:10:02
  acknowledged to to, to have that there was a word you used
• 1:10:07
  earlier that was so good. I'm drawing a blank now My.
• 1:10:13
  Expressed. Yeah, that and there's another
• 1:10:17
  word metabolized. I get saying it or something to
• 1:10:23
  come up with that. That's this is layers in a
• 1:10:26
  nutshell. And so talk to me about, you
• 1:10:29
  know, your layers journey, you've arrived here in this
• 1:10:33
  space. So talk to me about that.
• 1:10:36
  Just that ability to be able to process and accept and approach
• 1:10:40
  these layers with curiosity rather than judgement.
• 1:10:48
  It's a daily practice. Yeah.
• 1:10:50
  I'm still very much human. I catch myself in it as well.
• 1:10:56
  So, you know, take me off the pedestal.
• 1:10:59
  But it really is a daily practice.
• 1:11:02
  And just like anything you practice, the more you practice
• 1:11:06
  it, the stronger that that ability, that being the default
• 1:11:11
  comes up for us. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:11:14
  Thank you for that. So good.
• 1:11:15
  Yeah, I talk about that all the time when I'm talking to women.
• 1:11:18
  I'm like, listen, I've got this framework and I've got a whole
• 1:11:21
  collection of women with resources that are going to help
• 1:11:24
  you live out each of these steps of this framework within it.
• 1:11:27
  But let me tell you, I do rely heavily on this framework daily,
• 1:11:31
  and I don't always make the cut. I have to sometimes go back and
• 1:11:35
  read and, you know, I do. This is as beneficial for me as
• 1:11:40
  it is. And it's also what motivates me
• 1:11:43
  to get it up to you. But yeah, I think it's so
• 1:11:45
  important that that we share that we're all human.
• 1:11:48
  And especially with layers, you know, you've they continue to
• 1:11:52
  evolve as we go through different seasons, we peel back
• 1:11:54
  and there's more layers that expose themselves.
• 1:11:57
  But having those tools and framework to know how to live
• 1:12:00
  through that in a way that's healthy for us, you know, is
• 1:12:04
  such a is such a key component of that.
• 1:12:06
  All right. In summary, in living out feel,
• 1:12:09
  finding empowerment, embracing layers, which is what you have
• 1:12:13
  really explained beautifully today, talk to me about how this
• 1:12:18
  has affected your relationship with yourself as well as your
• 1:12:22
  relationship with other people. Well, yeah, like I said
• 1:12:30
  throughout this show, my relationship with myself is that
• 1:12:34
  I really know how to now be with myself, enjoy my own company, me
• 1:12:42
  and my body. Slow down, say no, listen to
• 1:12:47
  myself, honor myself, stand up for myself.
• 1:12:50
  I can say I love myself. Yeah.
• 1:12:53
  And that was not the case for most of my life.
• 1:12:59
  My relationship with others is that I have more capacity,
• 1:13:04
  patience and compassion for them and they are hijacked by their
• 1:13:13
  survival strategies or their emotions.
• 1:13:17
  And to really learn to hold the space at the same time.
• 1:13:24
  Honor my boundaries. Yeah, I that's a very good
• 1:13:30
  distinction there. Hold the space for them, but
• 1:13:33
  also honor our boundaries because showing up for people
• 1:13:36
  doesn't mean we take on their emotions.
• 1:13:39
  And so if you feel like you're starting to get to a state, it's
• 1:13:42
  OK to be like, OK, let's. But I'm starting to feel like I
• 1:13:46
  don't know of how much more I can help you or have to give to
• 1:13:49
  you in this moment because of where I'm feeling.
• 1:13:52
  Can we revisit this, go back, let's take a rest reset.
• 1:13:55
  I think that's just such an important piece of being able to
• 1:13:58
  separate what that means. Yeah, You know, I have a quick
• 1:14:02
  story here. When my husband and I got
• 1:14:05
  married, we got married in Greece on the island of Crete.
• 1:14:08
  And when we landed in Crete, it was after not pleasant flights
• 1:14:15
  and almost missing a connection in London Heathrow forced the
• 1:14:19
  airport to connect with. And so you could imagine that by
• 1:14:24
  the time we landed, got into our car rental like we were, we were
• 1:14:30
  exhausted, we were hungry, we were stressed, like nervous
• 1:14:34
  system was definitely dysregulated.
• 1:14:37
  And I don't remember what it was that I said that to my husband,
• 1:14:42
  but his response was you would go stay with your parents
• 1:14:46
  tonight because my parents also flew in that we were getting
• 1:14:49
  married, I think, five days later or six days later.
• 1:14:52
  OK. And if I didn't know what I
• 1:14:55
  know, if I didn't know what his survival strategies are, where
• 1:15:00
  he goes when he's overwhelmed, yeah, I would have been very
• 1:15:04
  upset. And that could have spiraled
• 1:15:07
  into a huge bigger fight and upset.
• 1:15:11
  And who knows if we would have made it down the aisle.
• 1:15:15
  But instead, as I heard him say that, I was like I said to
• 1:15:21
  myself, why not? He hasn't slept in 15 hours.
• 1:15:25
  We haven't eaten a good, decent meal in about 6 or 7.
• 1:15:30
  We just had a stressful, almost missing our connection in
• 1:15:35
  London. He does not mean this.
• 1:15:37
  He is just that overwhelmed. Yeah, good thing he's about to
• 1:15:43
  drop me off at my hair and makeup trial.
• 1:15:46
  And he could have some time to himself to regroup and reset
• 1:15:49
  because that's what he needs. So I said nothing to his to that
• 1:15:54
  comment other than OK, honey. And then he dropped me off and
• 1:16:00
  like of course texted me like 30 minutes later and said hey, I
• 1:16:04
  found a great restaurant for us for tonight so let me know when
• 1:16:08
  to pick you up. Pick me up.
• 1:16:12
  He was like so happy to see me, telling me how beautiful I
• 1:16:15
  looked with my hair all done and makeup and and we had a lovely
• 1:16:19
  evening. And yes, I stayed and slept with
• 1:16:23
  him that night and ended up down the aisle.
• 1:16:27
  So it's a perfect example of the capacity that we can have when
• 1:16:33
  we learn a how to regulate our own nervous system.
• 1:16:37
  Yeah. And how to realize that not
• 1:16:39
  everything is personal, especially when someone is
• 1:16:42
  overwhelmed. Yeah.
• 1:16:43
  And to learn your partner's strategies of overwhelm, where
• 1:16:48
  they default to. And when you see them defaulting
• 1:16:52
  to that, don't engage with it. Yeah.
• 1:16:55
  You're no longer talking with them.
• 1:16:58
  You are not in a conversation with them.
• 1:17:01
  They are. I'd like to my last metaphor for
• 1:17:03
  all of you is the inner child is no longer driving the car like
• 1:17:10
  your higher self is no longer driving the car because you
• 1:17:14
  contend to this overwhelm or to this emotion.
• 1:17:18
  And so your bodyguard said, get in the back seat and your
• 1:17:22
  bodyguards took over. And we all have two bodyguards.
• 1:17:26
  I intend to either freeze or, please, either dissociate from
• 1:17:31
  my body, leave the room, not even be here, or to be a people
• 1:17:35
  pleaser for my husband. He tends to get either rigid
• 1:17:39
  wherever everything has to be the right way, or he gets, you
• 1:17:43
  know, aggressive and loud. And so I know when those
• 1:17:48
  bodyguards take over, like I'm. I'm.
• 1:17:51
  I'm getting disengaged. Yeah.
• 1:17:53
  I'm gonna let him go, Kuma. I'm gonna let him go tent to his
• 1:17:57
  little boy so you can get back in the driver's seat.
• 1:18:01
  So I think for most people now, I think I know.
• 1:18:06
  Yeah. Unfortunately, most couples,
• 1:18:09
  most people right now operating in their day-to-day are not in
• 1:18:14
  the driver's seat of their life. And you can be, you can
• 1:18:18
  absolutely be successful in an area of your life with your
• 1:18:24
  bodyguards driving, but not fully fulfilled and not in all
• 1:18:30
  areas of life or eventually that car comes to some kind of halt.
• 1:18:34
  Yeah. And so as we understand that
• 1:18:37
  more, which I teach a lot about that, yeah.
• 1:18:40
  Oh, man. It frees you up to not just know
• 1:18:43
  yourself, but know how to show up in your relationships with
• 1:18:47
  more compassion space. And like I said, time's holding
• 1:18:53
  space for the other person. And it's time knowing not my
• 1:18:56
  circus, not my monkeys. I'm, this is my boundary.
• 1:19:00
  I, I'm, I'm, I'm going to step away and let this person come
• 1:19:06
  back to themselves because we get hijacked by that amazing.
• 1:19:09
  We keep it hijacked. Yeah, I've loved that example
• 1:19:13
  because so many times and I, you know, 10 years ago, 5-7 years
• 1:19:18
  ago, before my husband and I kind of learned these these
• 1:19:21
  tools and how to communicate with each other, I would have
• 1:19:23
  just added on to that and magnified it.
• 1:19:27
  Instead of just like, all right, we're going to take a moment.
• 1:19:30
  I'm just going to walk away. We're going to let everybody
• 1:19:33
  settle and fill this cup that is a game changer and how we engage
• 1:19:38
  with each other. I was a game changer.
• 1:19:41
  Yeah, 100%. So, so good.
• 1:19:44
  All right, we're down to the rapid fire.
• 1:19:48
  Name. Name 5 activities that nourish
• 1:19:51
  you. That nourish me personally.
• 1:19:56
  Yes. Walking in nature I I live by
• 1:20:01
  the Marina here in San Diego. I walk with my with my 12 LB
• 1:20:06
  vest every day. Walking out in nature.
• 1:20:12
  Eating a Stew or soup? I'm a Stew soup girl all the way
• 1:20:17
  and recently got into kanji, which is like a rice porridge.
• 1:20:22
  Yeah. So that nourishes me, snuggles,
• 1:20:28
  good hugs, in touch with my husband nourishes me,
• 1:20:33
  conversations with my girlfriends and and playing with
• 1:20:39
  my nieces and nephew. I love that, so good. 5 words on
• 1:20:44
  how you want to feel the next six months.
• 1:20:50
  Grateful. Excited, expansive, nourished
• 1:21:06
  and supported. I love that.
• 1:21:11
  All right, these will all be on our resources page at
• 1:21:14
  embracinglayers.com. But and not tell people where
• 1:21:16
  they can find you and follow you.
• 1:21:18
  You have a training camp for the soul, which I absolutely love
• 1:21:22
  the name of that like that for me, like training camp for the
• 1:21:25
  soul. Tell me more.
• 1:21:27
  So that, and that's one piece of all of that.
• 1:21:30
  So talk to people where they can find you, follow you, what you
• 1:21:33
  offer. And again, listeners, don't you
• 1:21:35
  worry. It'll all be on our resources
• 1:21:37
  page at embracinglayers.com. You're driving down the freeway.
• 1:21:41
  Keep driving. But I want to give you a chance
• 1:21:43
  to share that right now. Yeah, so for the most part, I
• 1:21:47
  hang out on Instagram. If you follow me there, you will
• 1:21:53
  get Adm for me within a week because I love getting to know
• 1:21:56
  the human behind the follower and seeing if I have a resource
• 1:22:01
  for you or a program for you or a referral for you or just a
• 1:22:04
  sweet note conversation with you.
• 1:22:08
  So that's where you can connect with me.
• 1:22:11
  We could actually chat. And as far as my offerings go,
• 1:22:17
  you can go to my website, trainingcampforthesoul.com.
• 1:22:20
  I have some great freebies on there.
• 1:22:24
  I have an upcoming retreat. I have my certification program
• 1:22:29
  for those of you that want to learn my method, whether you are
• 1:22:32
  already a coach, healer, therapist, or you want to step
• 1:22:35
  into that. And I also have my foundational
• 1:22:38
  program, the Soul Collective, which is just really for anyone
• 1:22:41
  that wants to go through their own inner inner inner child
• 1:22:47
  healing journey while being in a group program and supported
• 1:22:51
  weekly by me. So that's what I got.
• 1:22:56
  All right, so much good information.
• 1:22:59
  Thank you so much for this today, listeners go back and
• 1:23:02
  listen to how a knot breaks down, how our nervous system
• 1:23:07
  works and that how you can learn through learn to process these
• 1:23:11
  emotions and move them through. That is a master class on the
• 1:23:16
  how the body works, how our mind systems work and how we can show
• 1:23:21
  up for ourselves healthy within a go back, listen to that, take
• 1:23:25
  notes and really challenge yourself on that this week.
• 1:23:28
  Is there something your body will tell you when there's
• 1:23:32
  something that needs to be moved through?
• 1:23:34
  But you got to be willing to sit with it and you know, put that
• 1:23:37
  92nd timer on. It's going to feel like an
• 1:23:41
  eternity. But it's a great, I love that
• 1:23:43
  idea of just staying present in that for the moment and allowing
• 1:23:48
  yourself and it may take a few times because if it's new to
• 1:23:51
  you, so be patient with yourself.
• 1:23:53
  That's my challenge this week is really if you, and sometimes let
• 1:23:57
  me tell you, if you would have told me 7-8 years ago that I
• 1:24:01
  would disassociated, I'm like, no, I don't.
• 1:24:03
  I feel all my feelings. Yeah.
• 1:24:08
  No, I thought about my feelings a lot, talked about me, yes, and
• 1:24:13
  again, distinction my my my freebie.
• 1:24:17
  Cultivating safety is a great place to start if you want to
• 1:24:21
  learn how to even get in the water.
• 1:24:24
  OK, it's going to prep you, warm you up to get into your body, to
• 1:24:29
  even see if you can feel those feelings.
• 1:24:32
  Yeah, that's a great point because you might need a
• 1:24:34
  different level wet suit. I'm, I'm going to give a
• 1:24:37
  metaphor now. My son-in-law is the avid
• 1:24:39
  surfer. He.
• 1:24:41
  In Southern California for years.
• 1:24:44
  He and my daughter moved to the state of Washington a few years
• 1:24:47
  ago. The water is much colder up
• 1:24:49
  there. He had to buy a whole new set of
• 1:24:53
  surfing gear in order to go to the water.
• 1:24:57
  So that's so you, you know, do this activity that it not has
• 1:25:00
  for you is going to help you determine which you may be what
• 1:25:04
  you have already may need a little bit more.
• 1:25:08
  So I think that that's so we'll end on like that and that great
• 1:25:11
  resource. Thank you so much for being with
• 1:25:13
  me today. This has just been a treasure
• 1:25:16
  box and trove of resources information.
• 1:25:20
  Thanks Melissa for having me. Absolutely for hanging out,
• 1:25:24
  tuning in, staying with us till the end.
• 1:25:26
  Absolutely all of that and thanks for our good friends at
• 1:25:29
  Pod match. And we're going to shout out our
• 1:25:31
  friend Lulu A and we're going to let her know this is out in the
• 1:25:34
  world too, that we are all connected and know each other.
• 1:25:37
  And this is how you know, supporting each other
• 1:25:40
  unapologetically. This is how we show up and
• 1:25:42
  having these conversations and, and providing these resources
• 1:25:45
  and support for each other. Take good care and have a great
• 1:25:48
  day. Hello, Melissa Crook here.
• 1:25:55
  Thank you so much for joining us on the field podcast today.
• 1:25:59
  Finding Empowerment. Embracing Layers.
• 1:26:02
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• 1:26:05
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• 1:26:09
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• 1:26:13
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