Latest / Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach / EP 52: Parenting With Guardrails Not Handcuffs

Transcript

EP 52: Parenting With Guardrails Not Handcuffs · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

0:00
Moms, would you agree that at some point parenting
0:04
changes? Like, when our kids are little, we're almost
0:08
making like every decision for them, right? But then when they become
0:12
tweens or teenagers, suddenly we're standing in this
0:16
really uncomfortable middle ground with them.
0:20
Like, we know they need independence and they need a voice. We know
0:25
that they need opportunities to make their own decisions and even
0:29
make some mistakes, but they also need parents.
0:33
So how do we know when to step in?
0:37
When do we say, okay, this one's yours to figure out?
0:40
And when do we say, I understand that you don't like
0:44
this, but this is still the boundary? That is what we're going to talk
0:48
about and dig into today.
0:52
If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much, and wondering
0:56
why peace still feels so hard to hold on to,
1:00
you're in the right place. Hi, I'm Lori, mom,
1:03
former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach. Here we talk
1:08
about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries, and get
1:12
clear on what actually matters so that you can build a life that feels lighter,
1:16
calmer, and more satisfying. So let's stop the
1:20
chaos for a minute, moms. Catch our breath. And get into this next episode.
1:27
Welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms. I am your host, Lori Grimes,
1:30
and today we are talking about parenting,
1:34
specifically parenting tweens
1:38
and teenagers. And it's hard, right? So I
1:41
have a middle schooler and a high schooler now, and one of the things that
1:45
I'm realizing is that parenting at this age is like a
1:50
constant process of refiguring out,
1:53
like, what do I still need to manage and what am I ready
1:57
to hand over to them? Because the goal isn't to control our
2:01
kids. We know that the goal is to eventually not have to.
2:06
And I've started thinking about this in terms of like guardrails,
2:09
guardrails on a road, right? If you think about a guardrail on
2:12
a road, the guardrail isn't driving the car for you.
2:16
It's there to keep you from what? Going off the cliff, right?
2:20
And while you're learning how to navigate the road, the guardrail
2:24
keeps you safe. And I think that's a pretty good picture of what boundaries
2:28
can look like for our tweens and teenagers. We're not trying to
2:32
drive the car for them forever. We're trying to give them enough room
2:35
to learn how to drive while still recognizing that sometimes
2:40
they need a guardrail. So like, our job is
2:43
changing, right? When they're young, we are doing everything for them.
2:47
We're responsible for almost everything. We're making sure
2:51
their teeth are brushed, their homework's done, their backpack's,
2:54
you know, packed. We're playing with them.
2:58
We're checking like, where are you going?
3:01
And eventually those things have to become theirs.
3:05
We're not trying to raise a 25-year-old who needs mom
3:09
asking whether he did his homework, right?
3:13
We're trying to raise adults who know how to manage their own lives.
3:17
So I think one of the questions we continually need to ask
3:21
ourselves is, does my child still need
3:24
me to hold this boundary for them, or are they ready
3:28
to start holding it for themselves?
3:32
And that's where the parenting twins and teenagers, often it
3:37
just gets gray. Gray, right? Because giving our kids a
3:41
voice doesn't mean that they always get a final
3:45
say. And being the parent does not mean that we
3:49
need to control every decision, even though that's like our inclination.
3:54
So sometimes my kid gets to say to me, I don't think that's fair,
3:57
which they do a lot, or I don't like that rule. Or I think
4:02
I should be allowed to do this. Or— and I want to hear that.
4:05
Like, let me be clear, I want to hear that from my kids. And I
4:08
actually want my kids to learn how to express an opinion
4:12
respectfully. I always tell them to do it respectfully, especially if
4:16
they're dealing with an elder, a teacher, etc. I want them to be able to
4:19
advocate and speak up for themselves. And I want them to be able to
4:23
feel like they can come to me and say, here's why I think I'm
4:27
ready for more freedom. And sometimes they may even convince me.
4:31
But changing your mind after your child gives you like
4:35
really good information, guys, it's not weak parenting.
4:38
Sometimes we think it's weak to then change our mind, but it's not.
4:42
Sometimes I'm gonna listen to everything they say and still say,
4:46
I understand why you want that, I get that you're frustrated,
4:51
but the answer is still no. Because here's something I
4:54
think we forget validation isn't the same
4:58
thing as permission. My child is allowed
5:02
to dislike my boundary. They're of course not going to like
5:06
everything and all the boundaries that I put up.
5:09
So what do guardrails actually look like? Okay,
5:13
guardrails, guardrails can be really ordinary things
5:17
like when you ask, where are you going? Or who are you going to be
5:20
with? Or maybe you say, what time are you coming home?
5:24
If the plan changes, can you let me know? Have you done
5:28
your homework? Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?
5:31
When we ask them, who are your friends? Who are you hanging out with?
5:35
Or what's happening in the friendships? I don't think asking those
5:38
questions automatically means that we're being controlling because
5:42
we are still the parents. Like, yeah, we're still
5:46
the parents and we need to know what's going on in our children's lives.
5:50
That's a good parent. But I also think we need to notice when
5:54
we are continuing to manage something our child
5:59
has already demonstrated that they can manage for themselves.
6:03
So for instance, if I'm asking every single
6:07
night, did you do your homework? And my child
6:11
has been independently getting his homework done for the last year— this
6:14
is my son— First and foremost, he already knows
6:18
and is responsible to get his homework done. So I don't ask it really
6:22
anymore. I more ask to see what kind of load he has, but I don't
6:27
make sure he got it done. So maybe that responsibility can
6:30
be transferred to them, and that's really the goal, right?
6:34
Parenting boundaries should eventually lead to a transfer of
6:38
responsibility to the child. So Technology is
6:42
one of our biggest, biggest guardrails, 'cause I think it's like the most
6:47
danger right now. And technology is probably one
6:50
of the clearest places where we really ensure that
6:54
they understand the guardrails. So for instance,
6:58
our computers stay downstairs. They are always in the front
7:02
part of the house in a shared space. And my son games with his friends,
7:06
and sometimes he puts on his headphones, to speak to them,
7:09
but the computer is never hidden away in his bedroom. We can see
7:13
the screen. Everyone can see it in the house.
7:16
And also, we don't allow phones or screens in their
7:20
bedrooms, so they're not allowed to take those into their bedrooms. My daughter's
7:24
phone, it stays downstairs, and my son's
7:28
phone, he always has it on the charger and
7:32
it's downstairs overnight. Neither one of our kids has social media
7:36
as well on their phones. Nobody has a TikTok, nobody has a Facebook,
7:40
or an Instagram. And again, I'm not saying every family listening
7:44
to this podcast needs to copy our rules. This is just the boundaries that
7:49
we decided made sense for our family and our kids right now in
7:52
this season. But I do think that as
7:57
a society, we need to be intentional about
8:00
technology rather than just assuming that because our kids
8:04
have reached a particular age that automatically they're ready for this unrestricted
8:09
access So Pew Research Center has found that
8:12
about 90% of US teens ages about 13 to
8:16
17 use YouTube, and about 73%
8:21
use it daily, and 15% say they're on YouTube
8:25
almost constantly. And here's another survey,
8:29
a Pew survey. 45% of teens themselves said
8:33
they spend too much time on social media. So they're already recognizing
8:36
it. And they see it. The American Psychology
8:40
Association has recommended adult monitoring,
8:43
discussion, and coaching around social media for most kids
8:47
in early adolescence, with autonomy gradually increasing
8:51
as kids develop maturity and digital literacy.
8:56
But they also emphasize balancing monitoring with an adolescent's
9:00
appropriate need for privacy, and I think that's important. To point out.
9:05
This isn't spying on your kids. Like, you shouldn't feel bad about this.
9:08
It's about teaching them how to navigate something that
9:12
they may not even be ready to navigate completely on their own.
9:16
So let's move on to a topic about
9:20
fairness, because this comes up a lot in our household. My daughter
9:24
questions whether I'm being fair because I— it's not
9:27
the same. It's not identical to how I parent my son.
9:31
And here's where things get interesting in our house. She points this out
9:35
all the time, like, but you let him do that, or you don't do
9:39
that with him. And sometimes she's right, like completely right. We don't,
9:43
because the truth is they're different kids, right?
9:46
Our kids are not the same. For example, my daughter doesn't
9:50
have access to YouTube right now because she doesn't navigate YouTube well.
9:54
She does not know what she's doing and she ends up in the wrong spaces.
9:57
My son does have access to YouTube because he's proven
10:01
to be responsible But even with him, I tell him that he's allowed
10:05
to go straight to a particular video that he's looking for, but he is not
10:10
allowed to just scroll and see any recommended videos that show up.
10:14
That's a freedom we've decided he can handle,
10:17
but there's still a boundary around it. And our kids, they have different strengths,
10:21
right? And they have different weaknesses. They struggle differently
10:25
in different areas. One child might need more oversight with
10:28
technology and another might need more accountability with school.
10:32
I mean, one might need help with around friendships
10:36
and another might need help with like managing money or time.
10:40
So one of the things we're learning in our house is fair
10:43
doesn't always mean identical. Like our job isn't
10:48
necessarily to give our kids identical rules. Our job
10:52
is to ask, what does this particular child need from me right now?
10:56
And that is where freedom and responsibility go
11:00
together. So I'll give you another real-life example of what this looks like in our
11:04
house right now. So my daughter, she recently lost
11:08
some of her screen privileges, and there are some basic responsibilities
11:13
that we expect our kids across the board to take care of. Both of our
11:16
kids have to make their beds in the morning, but for my daughter, there are
11:20
also some simple things that she needs to remember for before school. Like, she loves
11:25
to just throw her towel on the floor. Well, I have her pick that up
11:28
and that needs to get hung up. She needs to get her backpack ready for
11:31
school, make sure she has her dance shirt, make sure her Chromebook
11:35
is charged. I mean, these aren't huge responsibilities, but they're her responsibilities.
11:39
And we're finding that she was not consistently doing
11:43
them. We were reminding and reminding and reminding, right?
11:46
So eventually we decided, okay, we're going to
11:50
connect some freedom to some responsibility. So right now she doesn't
11:54
get recreational screen time on her own.
11:58
Instead, like, if we're watching something together as a family,
12:02
then she can watch it with us, but she doesn't get to just watch TV
12:05
or to use screens recreationally by herself until
12:09
she shows us that she can consistently take care of those
12:13
responsibilities that we gave her. And here's the part,
12:17
okay, that's a little different. There is not a date when her
12:21
grounding ends. Like, she asked Well, when am I done? When do I get my
12:24
screen backs? Well, we didn't give her a date on when she gets her screen
12:27
back. Instead, we just said she gets to decide
12:31
when it's over because we're not waiting for a certain number of days
12:35
to pass. We're looking for a changed behavior. We're looking for some
12:39
ownership and some consistency. And when we see
12:42
her take that initiative, make her bed, pick up her towel, you know,
12:46
make sure her backpack's ready, charge her Chromebook,
12:49
take care of things that she's responsible for consistently
12:53
instead of us chasing behind her and pointing it out,
12:57
then— and she says, I'm ready to manage this responsibility,
13:02
and that she demonstrates it consistently— we're happy to give her that freedom
13:06
back. She's earned it back. But the message isn't like,
13:10
you've messed up, so now I'm gonna just make you miserable
13:13
for a week. Instead, the message we're sending is Freedom
13:17
and responsibility go together. So show us that you can manage this responsibility
13:22
and we're happy to give you the freedom back. Like, we want you to have
13:25
the freedom, but there's an important responsibility on our side
13:29
too. So consistently can't be some mysterious moving
13:33
target that we just keep changing. Like, our kids need to understand
13:37
what success looks like, and then we need to
13:40
notice when they're succeeding, and we need to Take note
13:44
of that. And if it's demonstrated that they're ready for the privilege again, we need
13:47
to give it back. Otherwise, we're no longer teaching a responsibility,
13:52
we're just holding power. And that is not the goal,
13:55
guys. That's not the goal here. So ultimately, I don't want my daughter
13:59
just making her bed and picking up her towel or charging her Chromebook because
14:03
she's afraid I'm gonna take away the TV. I want
14:07
those things eventually just to become hers and her ownership.
14:11
So the guardrail exists to teach the skill
14:14
that eventually makes that guardrail unnecessary.
14:18
So that is the point of the guardrail. And we
14:23
have to keep the support consistent and customize the guardrail.
14:26
So when I say don't always parent our children the same, I'm not
14:30
saying we don't try to support them equitably because we do in our household.
14:35
We tell them both we're preparing to support each for college,
14:38
that they both have the opportunity to have custodial Roth IRAs.
14:42
Like, my son has one because he gets paid for, you know,
14:45
producing the podcast, editing the podcast, and he has
14:49
one. And so when my daughter starts to earn her income, she can have one.
14:52
So they both know that they have opportunities to earn additional
14:56
money through chores and things that, that they take ownership. They both have cell
15:00
phones. They both get to pick birthday celebrations and gifts. They both
15:04
have opportunities to participate in the sports they want to be a part
15:08
of and activities after school. And we try to make sure that
15:12
they have time available to be social with their friends. We try to make those
15:14
priority. And they have both had
15:17
opportunity to attend summer programs like Baylor,
15:21
or, you know, my son's band camp, or my daughter's, um,
15:24
church camp. And typically, if there's a camp or program that
15:29
they decide they want to do, we get to talk about it and we
15:33
get to choose and let them choose something. So when I say we parent them
15:37
differently. I'm not saying we're doing favoritism
15:41
here. I'm talking about individualization, like customizing
15:46
it per child. So the, the support stays
15:50
consistent, but the opportunity— and the opportunities,
15:54
they stay equitable, but the guardrails are
15:59
usually different. So guardrails shouldn't
16:03
become labels. So what do I mean by that? So say your
16:07
child struggles with something at 11, like my daughter's 11.
16:10
That doesn't mean that they need to be treated like an 11-year-old forever.
16:14
And moreover, we don't want our guardrails to become labels on
16:18
our kids, like you can't handle technology,
16:22
or you're just always irresponsible, or you
16:25
always make bad decisions. So maybe they couldn't handle something
16:29
then, but the question is, could they handle it now? Because they grow
16:33
and they mature and they change. So our boundaries need to be adjustable
16:37
and As responsibility increases, freedom can
16:40
also increase. So it goes responsibility,
16:44
trust, freedom. And sometimes we're going to
16:47
loosen a guardrail and discover, oh, okay, well, you're not quite
16:51
ready for this yet. And that's information. It doesn't have
16:55
to become shame. We can tighten the guardrail again and work on the skill
16:59
and revisit it later. So here are 3 questions to ask yourself when you're
17:03
trying to decide whether to step beyond step in or back off, here's what I
17:07
want you to ask. Number 1, has my child demonstrated responsibility
17:10
in this area? What have they actually demonstrated?
17:15
Okay. Number 2, what happens if they get this wrong?
17:18
So if the consequence is relatively small and survivable,
17:22
maybe this is an opportunity to let them learn. We don't necessarily
17:26
need to rescue our kids from every uncomfortable consequence
17:31
that comes up. But if we're talking about safety or like say
17:35
it's an illegal behavior, dangerous online activity or something that
17:39
has potential— potentially serious consequences,
17:43
that's probably an area where a guardrail needs to stay stronger.
17:48
So in number 3, ask this: Am I holding this boundary because
17:52
my child still needs it or because I'm uncomfortable
17:57
letting go? Now that's a hard question as a parent because Sometimes
18:00
the person who isn't ready for the next stage
18:04
of independence is us.
18:07
And that's hard, right? So what does Scripture say?
18:11
I think Scripture gives us a clear picture of parenting that includes the
18:15
model of authority, instruction, relationship, and responsibility.
18:19
So let's start with Ephesians 6:4. Fathers,
18:23
do not exasperate your children. Instead, bring them up in the training
18:26
and instruction of the Lord. So you can see a
18:30
balance in that verse. There's training, there's instruction, and there's parental
18:34
authority— our God-given parental authority.
18:37
But there's also a warning about how we exercise
18:41
that authority. So you
18:45
can see our authority isn't permission to control and
18:49
dominate our kids. We're instructed to train them, but we're also
18:53
told to pay attention to how we're treating them in the process. So here's
18:58
Deuteronomy 6:6-7. These verses
19:02
tell God's people to keep His commands on
19:05
their hearts and to impress them upon their
19:09
children. To talk about them through everyday life.
19:14
At home, on the road, at bedtime, when they get up.
19:17
And I love that picture. It doesn't sound like one giant parental
19:22
lecture, right? It sounds like a relationship. It's ongoing. We have
19:26
conversations and it's teaching on
19:29
the fly, like as life happens. And then there's probably one of the most familiar
19:34
parenting verses in Proverbs 22:6.
19:38
So it goes, start children off
19:42
on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not
19:45
turn from it. And I want to be careful with the verse because Proverbs gives
19:50
us wisdom principles. It isn't a formula like formula promising
19:54
that if we parent to perfection,
19:57
our children will just make every great choice that we
20:01
ever hoped that they would make. No, our children eventually have agency,
20:05
which just means that they can choose for themselves. But I think
20:09
the image of training is really helpful for this conversation because
20:13
training isn't doing something forever and ever for another person.
20:16
Training is preparing someone so that they
20:20
eventually can do it themselves. And I think that's such a beautiful picture of what
20:24
we're doing during these tween and teenage
20:27
years, because we're training, we're guiding, we are
20:30
correcting, we are hopefully giving opportunities
20:34
and allowing, you know, natural consequences to happen.
20:38
We loosen some guardrails and strengthen some guardrails,
20:42
and little by little, we're just handing slowly responsibility
20:46
over to our kids. And the goal again is not control. I don't
20:51
think the goal of healthy parenting boundaries is to create
20:54
children who obey us like perfect robots because they're afraid of the consequences,
20:59
because that's not parenting. Eventually they're going
21:03
to leave, guys. They're going to leave our home. And eventually— I
21:07
know, moms, this is hard— but we're not going to go with
21:11
them. And we're not going to be there to ask, where are you going?
21:13
Who are you with? Did you charge your Chromebook? Did you
21:17
do your homework? Eventually those questions are theirs. If we've
21:21
done it right, it becomes their questions. And we're trying to help them develop
21:25
wisdom here, discernment, you know, self-control,
21:30
responsibility, and the ability to recognize danger,
21:34
the ability to establish their own boundaries. The ability
21:38
to make a good decision even when mom isn't standing there telling
21:42
them what to do. Like, they need to know those things. So maybe the
21:46
question we need to keep asking ourselves is, what am I still
21:50
holding for my child and what are they ready to
21:54
begin holding for themselves? Because the goal of the guardrail
21:58
isn't to keep the guardrail there forever.
22:02
The goal is to help them learn how to drive. Right?
22:05
Because when you teach how to drive, eventually they're going to take over
22:09
the wheel. So if you're parenting a tween or teenager and you're
22:12
constantly wondering, am I being too strict?
22:16
Am I too lenient? Am I too involved? Am I
22:19
not involved enough? I don't think there's one perfect answer,
22:23
friends. Your kids are different from my kids,
22:28
right? And your kids may be completely different from each other,
22:32
like my kids. So maybe we don't need identical rules
22:36
here, like cookie cutter rules. Maybe we just need some
22:39
intentional ones. And what we do need to remain consistent
22:43
is, is supporting them. Kids know that we are there and
22:47
that we can customize the guardrails where we need to.
22:51
And guys, listen to your child's voice without believing
22:55
that they always have to get the final say. Give freedom,
23:00
when they deserve it, when they've demonstrated that they
23:03
can handle it. You shouldn't just give it to them because they want that.
23:07
You can always step back in if they show you
23:11
that they still need help. And when you use consequences,
23:15
be clear that there's a path forward so they
23:19
don't lose hope. Let your kids know, hey, here's what I'm looking
23:23
for, here's how you can show me you are ready.
23:27
Because we're not trying to control our children. We're trying
23:30
to prepare them to eventually lead their own lives
23:35
with wisdom and truth. And that takes both freedom
23:39
and boundaries. So if this episode made you think
23:42
about some guardrails that you need in your own home, I would love to hear
23:47
from you. I will link in the show notes a place where you can leave
23:50
me a voice message. And you can send me a question or just tell me
23:54
something that's working in your family, or just tell me about an area where you're
23:57
struggling to figure out how much freedom to give. And I promise
24:01
to keep it anonymous if you— that you would like that. If you'd rather send
24:04
me an email, I also have that linked in the show notes as well.
24:08
And if you know another mom who's trying to navigate these
24:11
tween and teenage years, share this episode with her
24:15
because this might be exactly what she needs. And don't forget to follow
24:18
Healthy Boundaries for Moms so you don't miss the next
24:21
episode. If today's episode helped you, friend,
24:25
make sure you are following Healthy Boundaries for
24:29
Moms and share it with a friend or a family member who
24:33
might need it too. And I want to hear from you. Have a question
24:37
or a situation you'd like me to talk about on the podcast?
24:41
Leave me a voice message using the link in the show notes or send
24:45
your question to me by email. You may just hear your question answered
24:49
on an upcoming episode. So until next week, friend, keep choosing
24:53
the boundaries that protect what matters most.