Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #186| How People Pleasing Kept You Safe — Then Left You Stuck in Overwhelm

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#186| How People Pleasing Kept You Safe — Then Left You Stuck in Overwhelm · Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing

• 0:00
  MichelleGauthier: Over time, your brain starts thinking that being agreeable equals being loved.
• 0:05
  MichelleGauthier: And that's some pretty powerful wiring.
• 0:12
  MichelleGauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
• 0:19
  MichelleGauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
• 0:24
  MichelleGauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's Working Woman experiences.
• 0:29
  MichelleGauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
• 0:39
  MichelleGauthier: Hi, friends.
• 0:40
  MichelleGauthier: Hello.
• 0:40
  MichelleGauthier: Do you ever wonder why people pleasing feels so hard to stop, even though you know that it's really not serving you in your life?
• 0:47
  MichelleGauthier: Today I'm going to break down three powerful reasons why you are probably stuck in people pleasing and why it actually makes so much sense.
• 0:56
  MichelleGauthier: When you listen today, you'll learn why saying yes has felt safer than saying no, how praise and approval might have kept you locked into this habit, and what's really missing when you try to set boundaries.
• 1:08
  MichelleGauthier: So let's get into it.
• 1:09
  MichelleGauthier: I have to first say that I'm recording this in my office with the door closed like usual, but my daughter and one of her friends are here, and they're both taking a child development class.
• 1:19
  MichelleGauthier: And so they have, as part of their assignment, they have robot babies that they have had to bring home to take care of, which is killing me.
• 1:26
  MichelleGauthier: It is hilarious.
• 1:27
  MichelleGauthier: It's so spot on, like being a real mom.
• 1:30
  MichelleGauthier: But every time the babies cry, I can hear the baby cry and then they both scream at the top of their lungs.
• 1:35
  MichelleGauthier: So if you hear any like baby crying or screaming, I'm just telling you everything's okay over here at our house.
• 1:40
  MichelleGauthier: We just got some robot babies and some teenagers who are trying to learn how to get them to stop crying.
• 1:46
  MichelleGauthier: Oh my goodness.
• 1:47
  MichelleGauthier: Okay, I digress.
• 1:49
  MichelleGauthier: Let's get back to people pleasing.
• 1:51
  MichelleGauthier: So there are a couple reasons why you might be stuck in a people-pleasing habit.
• 1:57
  MichelleGauthier: And the first one is that you've been praised, like low-key praised, or given good feedback for being a people pleaser for your whole life.
• 2:06
  MichelleGauthier: Saying yes got you lots of love and approval and safety.
• 2:11
  MichelleGauthier: And when something's worked for that long, it's no wonder that your brain doesn't want to let go of it.
• 2:16
  MichelleGauthier: So, for example, at home, maybe you were the kid who was the easy one who didn't make waves, who always did what she was supposed to do.
• 2:24
  MichelleGauthier: And even now in your family or in your friendships, you're the one who everybody counts on.
• 2:29
  MichelleGauthier: Like they count on your yes and they count on you taking charge of things.
• 2:33
  MichelleGauthier: And so over time, your brain starts thinking that being agreeable equals being loved.
• 2:39
  MichelleGauthier: And that's some pretty powerful wiring.
• 2:42
  MichelleGauthier: And it feels risky then to do it any differently than that.
• 2:46
  MichelleGauthier: This history of people pleasing can also show up at work.
• 2:49
  MichelleGauthier: So if your boss compliments you for always being the one who takes the extra work, I used to really pride myself on getting projects that other people had tried to do and failed, and then they would give them to me like, give me the hardest thing.
• 3:04
  MichelleGauthier: Yeah, give me the one that everybody else is struggling with.
• 3:07
  MichelleGauthier: Let me be the hero.
• 3:08
  MichelleGauthier: Let me say yes to the crap project that nobody else wants.
• 3:12
  MichelleGauthier: And I you also then become your team's go-to because you never push back and you've been rewarded with more responsibility instead of more help.
• 3:21
  MichelleGauthier: So if that sounds familiar to you, the idea that you have been praised for people pleasing your whole life, it makes sense that you're stuck in it now, stuck in a pattern, stuck in a habit, not stuck in this for the rest of your life.
• 3:34
  MichelleGauthier: The other reason why you might be stuck in people pleasing is that you may have grown up believing that if you say yes, it's nice.
• 3:41
  MichelleGauthier: And if you say no, it's mean or it's selfish.
• 3:44
  MichelleGauthier: So somewhere along the way, you picked up that belief.
• 3:47
  MichelleGauthier: And even when your plate is full or you don't want to do something, saying no in your gut just feels wrong.
• 3:55
  MichelleGauthier: So, for example, at work, you might feel bad turning down a meeting, even if somebody schedules it at 6 p.m., which is clearly your family time, or if you can't help, you over-apologize.
• 4:06
  MichelleGauthier: Like, I'm so sorry, I feel so awful.
• 4:09
  MichelleGauthier: I hate to say no.
• 4:10
  MichelleGauthier: And then you go into this huge explanation about why you can't do it.
• 4:14
  MichelleGauthier: And saying yes to everything at home means sometimes being a pushover to your kids, being the one who always hosts everything, volunteers for everything, all of that.
• 4:22
  MichelleGauthier: And because of this black and white thinking, where your brain has made it mean that saying yes is nice and saying no is mean, it keeps you stuck in yes mode.
• 4:31
  MichelleGauthier: Just like the first point that I made, that you've always been praised for being a people pleaser.
• 4:36
  MichelleGauthier: If you've internalized that saying yes is nice and saying no is mean, both of those things combined really give your brain the message that saying yes feels safe and being liked feels safe.
• 4:48
  MichelleGauthier: So it makes sense that there'd be some resistance to trying to change that.
• 4:53
  MichelleGauthier: And then the third, you don't know what to say instead of yes.
• 4:56
  MichelleGauthier: A lot of times when I'm working with my one-on-one clients about their people pleasing, what we realize is they don't even pause to see if they want to say yes or no.
• 5:04
  MichelleGauthier: They just say yes as a default, like as a placeholder.
• 5:08
  MichelleGauthier: So you might say maybe when you mean no, but usually you're just saying yes even when you don't want to.
• 5:15
  MichelleGauthier: And you're stuck in that because you don't know what to say instead of yes.
• 5:18
  MichelleGauthier: You're just used to keeping yourself safe, quote unquote safe and saying yes.
• 5:24
  MichelleGauthier: Like a coworker walks up and asks you to cover for them again, and you're like, okay, yeah, I can do it.
• 5:30
  MichelleGauthier: Or you want to say no to a new project, but your brain just panics and you're like, okay, yeah, I'll figure it out.
• 5:35
  MichelleGauthier: That's fine.
• 5:36
  MichelleGauthier: And if a friend asks you to go to happy hour instead of a clear no, you just really would feel guilty about saying that.
• 5:43
  MichelleGauthier: Maybe you just ghost her or just say yes, even though you don't want to do it.
• 5:48
  MichelleGauthier: So I just want to reassure you that nothing has gone wrong here, that you have some patterns in your brain, probably from the way you were raised.
• 5:56
  MichelleGauthier: And if you're a woman in the US at least, it seems like most of us were raised in this way.
• 6:02
  MichelleGauthier: These are the things that could be keeping you stuck in people pleasing.
• 6:05
  MichelleGauthier: And the first step to get out of people pleasing is recognizing what's going on.
• 6:10
  MichelleGauthier: Why am I here?
• 6:11
  MichelleGauthier: How did I get here?
• 6:12
  MichelleGauthier: Why is this a problem for me?
• 6:14
  MichelleGauthier: So if you've been stuck in people pleasing, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 6:17
  MichelleGauthier: You're not broken.
• 6:18
  MichelleGauthier: You've just been trained to have this habit.
• 6:21
  MichelleGauthier: The good news is there's totally another way.
• 6:24
  MichelleGauthier: If you are sick of being a people pleaser and want to learn how to stop, this is the exact work I do with my one-on-one coaching clients.
• 6:33
  MichelleGauthier: So if you want to start working on this now, reach out to me.
• 6:36
  MichelleGauthier: We can set up a free consultation.
• 6:38
  MichelleGauthier: In fact, there's a link in the show notes where you can do that and we can talk about exactly how we would solve this problem in coaching.
• 6:45
  MichelleGauthier: I'm also, this is like I'm dropping a little Easter egg here.
• 6:49
  MichelleGauthier: I'm working on a class that will teach you how to stop people pleasing without guilt.
• 6:55
  MichelleGauthier: So stay tuned for more of that.
• 6:57
  MichelleGauthier: I would love to help you get unstuck from this habit.
• 7:00
  MichelleGauthier: Okay, looks like we've made it through this episode without any baby crying or teenage screaming.
• 7:06
  MichelleGauthier: So that is a win on my side.
• 7:08
  MichelleGauthier: I will see you later this week.
• 7:10
  MichelleGauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
• 7:17
  MichelleGauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.com.
• 7:23
  MichelleGauthier: See you next week.