Latest / Libido Lounge / How Unequal Sex Drives Lead to Betrayal with Britton and Carolee Beckham

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How Unequal Sex Drives Lead to Betrayal with Britton and Carolee Beckham · Libido Lounge

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There was an early on urge to, like, reach out outside of our marriage due to, like, my own
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sexual dissatisfaction with our relationship.
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Britton and Carolee Beckham were raised in the strict dogma of the Mormon church, and with
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infidelity threatening their marriage and family, found themselves at a cliff's edge.
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Through a deep commitment to heal, these two left everything they knew to find themselves.
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Over a period of five years, they re booted their relationship and traveled the world
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seeking their truth with four kids in tow.
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They have emerged on the other side as embodied and an awakened couple with a powerful message
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to share about love, intimacy, healing, and
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the divine.
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We had this moment of, like, burning it all down.
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We were still married.
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We were still sleeping in the same bed.
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We energetically severed what we had connected to.
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The more that one person tries to restrict another, the other person's ego will actually
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come out and try to overpower that.
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How do you come to a place where there's an is it even possible to have this third alternative
1:07
that's actually not a compromise?
1:09
That's a full fuck yes for both people.
1:14
A 2023 Harvard study found that out of everything it looked for as far as the root
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2:13
Hey, everybody.
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Welcome back to another episode on the Libido Lounge.
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I'm your host, board certified sexologist, doctor Diane, and I have a great pleasure for
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you guys today.
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We're gonna talk about one partner being overly sexual, sexual, another partner being underly
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sexual.
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We're gonna talk about infidelity, and we're gonna talk about some of the most amazing ways
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to heal from infidelity.
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And one of the key things that people do not realize, and in many ways I feel like one of
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the key mistakes that people make when they are trying to heal from infidelity, I'm gonna tell
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you what that is, they're gonna tell you what this is, we're gonna go deep in our episode
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today.
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So to help us with this, welcome to the lounge, Britton and Carolee.
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It's so great to have you.
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Thank you so much.
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We're really happy to be here.
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Yeah.
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Thanks.
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Yeah.
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It's a pleasure.
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And and to just to kinda orient us before we go deep into, like, the why, the healing, the how,
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all these things, could you guys give just, like, kind of a brief history of your
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infidelity story?
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Just, you know, kind of the high level synopsis so people understand where you are coming from.
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Yeah.
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So I'll answer that since I was kind of the one that acted on that.
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Essentially, our as we we were married in 02/2009, and there was an early on urge to,
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like, reach out outside of our marriage due to, like, my own sexual dissatisfaction with our
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relationship.
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And that was at small at first, but sort of became a pattern during the most difficult
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times of our in our marriage, which ended up being, unfortunately, during pregnancies when
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she was completely out of libido and also just not feeling into her body at all.
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And so that became a pattern, and that pattern kind of hit the deepest low in 2017.
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And that was a sexual that was an actual sexual infidelity.
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And True.
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We sort of tried to bounce back from that through the process of our religion, which was
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the Mormon church.
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And going through that ended up being a big failure for our healing, but it did get us
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through the process with the church, but we were sort of disinterested a little bit in
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Mormonism after that because it didn't really give us what we were searching for.
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And so we eventually were introduced into, you know, psilocybin mushrooms.
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We took that, and it helped us to begin the journey of our healing.
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And we really dropped into it, which led us leaving the church and, like, seeking, yeah,
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basically to to heal ourselves from all of this and our trauma.
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And here we are five years later, six years now, and it's been a wild journey.
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Yeah.
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Thank you for that and and for being transparent because I think it helps so many
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people feel like they are related to.
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One of the things I know that in the sex therapy world, and, you know, for our
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listeners, remember I'm a sex doctor and sex educator, not a sex therapist.
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But in the sex therapy world, the common things that the common thing that's said is that when
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there's infidelity, one of the biggest mistakes people make is by trying to basically go back
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to their relationship as it was.
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And that's a huge mistake because the relationship in many ways, once there's this
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rift, this type of rift, it can't it's not ever gonna be the same.
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It has to be something new and hopefully something immensely better, but there still
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needs to be this choice for for rebuilding.
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And I I know offline you talked a little bit about dissolving and rebooting, you know,
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dissolving, and so that fits so much into the sex therapy language, right, where it's like,
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oh, yeah, we dissolve this this old agreement, and we we reboot and make the new one.
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So tell us a little bit about, like, what that process was like for you and how you began to
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especially in, like, the rebooting phase, how did you really begin to, like, have those
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conversations to redefine your agreements?
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Like, what was just tell us about that process.
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Yeah.
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So, I'll answer that.
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We, like you said, in 02/2019, we had this journey that helped really kind of boot us into
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healing.
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And from that, we began doing various different healing modalities.
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We started various therapy.
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We did yoga trainings, trauma informed yoga, emotional reeducation, sound healing.
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Like, it was just this sort of onslaught of all the different modalities, all the different
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ways in which we could hold ourselves because we both were really in trauma from this
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catalyst in our relationship.
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I had significant PTSD.
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I also struggled with postpartum depression.
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You know?
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And so, like, my baseline was one of great unease and unhappiness, but we really chose to
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continue to stay together as we went through these thresholds of our healing.
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And we got to this point in 2022, the beginning of 2022, where we had really given ourselves
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this reeducation.
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We understood things from an emotionally intelligent context that we had never had
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before.
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And, you know, we were at this this new threshold where we still weren't really happy
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in our partnership.
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And so, you know, the the medicine of mushrooms came back into ours our life at that moment
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too, and we had another ceremony.
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And around that time, Britton actually took our marriage certificate because we were married in
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the Mormon LDS temple.
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The main one in Salt Lake City was where we were married in 02/2009.
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And so we had this beautiful, like, very nicely done up certificate that honored this.
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And he had taken out to the backyard, and he burned it in our fire pit.
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And that bothered me at first.
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I was like, no.
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You know?
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He did that.
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But then, like, two months later, I actually also had my own kind of ritual experience of
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saying goodbye to our partnership.
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You know, I had taken the dress that I had worn in the Mormon temple to marry him in.
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I tore it up to pieces.
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He had written me this poem and had gifted it to me on our wedding day.
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I took that as well, and I went up and held a fire myself with a few other women under a full
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moon, and I burned those pieces from our marriage too.
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So in the 2022, we had this moment of, like, burning it all down.
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We were still married.
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We were still sleeping in the same bed.
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We were still parenting our children, but we energetically severed what we had connected to
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and what we had created.
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And in the moment when I burned my wedding dress, I knew I had this clear reality, this
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clear awareness come to me that was like, you are attached to ideas that were given to you of
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what a successful relationship looks like.
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And because you're attached to this this system, when you look out the world around you,
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you're noticing that all of these other people in the same culture that you're a part of,
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nobody's actually really happy in their partnership.
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But you all have this idea of what a perfect relationship is supposed to be like.
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So even though you don't know what a perfect relationship looks like for you, especially
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because you don't know what it looks like for you, burn it all down and allow yourself to
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start fresh and discover what that is for you.
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So that's what I did.
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It felt really dramatic, but I needed it to be.
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And I was like, goodbye.
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All of my hopes and dreams from 14 year old Carolee, seven year old Carolee, six year old
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Carolee, who really wanted this dream relationship.
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I didn't have it, but I was attached to what I told I was supposed to have.
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And I had done, I wanna impress, I had done, in my opinion, everything right to have the
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relationship I was told I was supposed to.
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So we burned it, and then we let there be this pause of discovery of what that could be like.
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It took us a while.
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It wasn't until the 2023 that we finally had been anchored enough into this new way of being
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that I had my clear agreements, my clear knowing, and he was clear.
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And from there, we were just it was just like this catapult of soaring at that point.
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You know?
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There was a there was a time when it was like this dark night of the soul for our
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relationship of discovering what it could be.
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So during this time, there I mean, I could talk to you guys all day because I feel like there's
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so many different directions we can go with everything you just said.
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But during this time, just to kind of focus on one thing, when you were in this kind of, like,
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we could say dark night of the soul of, like, what have I been taught around relationships
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and marriage and, you know, is this even what I want?
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And I did everything right and it's not happening and what is real and all of the, you
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know, questions that could be coming up during this time.
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Were you guys I wanna know about like, you're in a relational space during that time.
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So because it sounds like during this time, there was a a level of inner questioning, like,
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what do I want?
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What is relationship?
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How do I want this?
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What is what am I burning?
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What am I let going?
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What do I wanna create?
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How much were you guys sharing about that process during that time?
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Was it sleeping in the same bed, but kind of living coexisting, not really sharing this, or
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what was that shared space like during that time?
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Oh, yeah.
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So first of all, as soon as we left the church and we began our healing journey, we
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immediately started to commit to, like, massive amounts of honesty in our relationship way more
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than we had been.
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You know, just honesty in the sense of, like, just telling each other how we felt more.
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Right?
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And so through that process from, like, basically, early late twenty nineteen to to
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when she was saying in 2022, we had continued this process of deepening our honesty, talking
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more about our friends.
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We had moved through a lot of our healing, but what I had come to the conclusion of was my own
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sexual sovereignty earlier than she had.
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And so I knew that I could have I could find a relationship, whether it was with her or
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someone else, where I could be married, but I could also be sexually active with other people
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because that was enticing to me.
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And I had grown grown up in Mormonism having some slight sexual connections with others.
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Well, not sex, but, like, sexual acts.
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Yeah.
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Handjobs, blowjobs, those sorts of things.
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I was did have some sex with premarital sex with some other women, but it was, like, not as
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much.
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So I just wanna say all that was guilt ridden.
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All all of it was guilt laden, and, like and it was really hard for me to enjoy it.
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So I never did actually enjoy any of it.
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It was, like, stuff that I wanted to do and did do, but every time afterwards, I was, like, in
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guilt and sadness about God's judgment on me.
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So knowing that now none of that may had there was no guilt associated with it, and I had let
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all that go, I was pushing on Carolee to, like, hey.
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This is kind of what I'm looking for.
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This is the path I wanna go.
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What are you willing to do here?
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And, you know, I'll let her kinda speak a little bit about her feelings on that, but a
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bit essentially, she was very walled still.
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She hadn't found even her own libido and self like, trust in herself within our relationship.
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So me pushing her in the direction of, like, exploring outside was traumatic for her, but it
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was where I was.
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And so, like, we ended up having some of those experiences and, you know, inviting other
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people into the bedroom, just having, you know, these experiences so that we could I could see
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what I've enjoyed or and not.
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And so that was taking place in 2022, during that.
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And so, yeah, we weren't walled off.
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Our relationship is actually good.
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We were co parenting really well, and, like, we were, in line, but we were still, like, working
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through lots of our healing.
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And there were lots of triggers still, you know, and also we were parenting four children
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who were under the age of 11, you know, and so, like, during the day, there was so much in,
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like, just family life that was taking up our time, and we would then drop in from the hours
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of nine until, like, 2AM sometime, you know, just processing, talking, talking, talking.
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We yeah.
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And and the other thing too I just wanna add to answer that question, as someone who was
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betrayed, I realized that he would withhold information from me thinking that it was out of
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kindness because it would hurt too much for me to know.
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And it really got to the point where I was just like, let me be in charge of my own pain.
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Mhmm.
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The withholding of the story is more painful.
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The finding out and being deceived and feeling like I, you know, and so the radical honesty,
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although at times it was hard and it super challenged me, you know, pregnancy, delivering
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my babies, going through the birth portal, I had them all naturally.
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That was hard, but I realized how powerful I was when I was met with my own challenges.
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So it it became this really clear thing for me that it was like, if we're gonna even try to
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stay together, you're just gonna tell me everything, and and then we'll see what you
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know?
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And so we also set a precedent in this time frame of trying to discover what we were gonna
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do.
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We I had there was this moment where I was like, I'm actually not gonna make a decision
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one way or the other if I'm gonna leave this relationship or stay.
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I'm just gonna hold.
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Because sometimes we make these decisions out of our ego, out of our pain so quickly instead
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of letting things kind of settle in discovering what our yeses are and what our nos are.
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And once I also discovered the possibility of sovereignty for myself, I realized, truly, I
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knew I wanted that.
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I didn't know if I wanted it necessarily with because the idea of me having sovereignty meant
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that I needed to give him his.
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Just a quick interlude because I want to address that it is so common that people are
16:30
struggling to prioritize their relationships and their intimate life between jobs and kids
16:36
and caring for elderly parents and so much more.
16:39
Sometimes it can just feel like a last thing on the to do list.
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Now if you're struggling with that or if you're struggling with having better sex or having
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Now let's get back to our episode.
17:28
And because of the pain and the betrayal that was scary for me, which is super normal, you
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know, to to have that that trauma and that fear.
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But, that that's kind of where we were at with that.
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So I'm curious around this whole, like, repair of this, right, in this defining the new
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agreements and the sexual sovereignty and defining, like, the uniqueness of what this
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means for you guys.
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Because one of the things that people have heard me say on here a lot is, like, we all get
17:59
into oftentimes these relationships.
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Not everybody, but but most people get into relationships with some construct from society
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of like this, just like you guys.
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This is what the relationship is versus actually taking a step back and being like,
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well, we're unique humans.
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We have a unique relationship.
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What do we actually want to be our unique agreements for how this relationship's gonna
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work for the individuals as well as the co space?
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So I'm curious if you can walk us through some of how, and it sounds like it was, you know,
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some, you know, learning over time and it didn't take time, but some more specifics on,
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like, how would you guys have these conversations?
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Like, how did you really define the new agreements?
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And within answering this, I'm wondering if you can also incorporate, like, oh, we maybe tried
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this, and, you know, maybe there's, like, advice you have for people around, hey, maybe
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this is not the the direction that is perhaps the best direction to take with these
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conversations.
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Like, anything that can help our listeners to begin to have these conversations on redefining
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their agreements a little more effectively is part of where I'm going here.
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Mhmm.
19:04
Yeah.
19:04
Lot in there and, yeah, good stuff.
19:07
Yeah.
19:07
Woo hoo.
19:08
So I would would first say, you know, like, when it comes to making agreements and this
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back and forth between two people that are trying to figure out what their relationship
19:18
should look like, you know, firstly, the more that one person tries to restrict another, the
19:25
other person's ego will actually come out and try to overpower that.
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But when the, when the energy is allotted freely, then the person is given full
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permission to themselves to find inward what it it truly is that they want.
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And so there was this point where this thing or I wanted to relate with other people, and I
19:43
wanted to her to be present.
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It was never, like, me going out and finding other dates and that sort thing.
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It was, like, hey.
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Come with me into this, like, tantric thing or whatever when we were in Bali or, you know,
19:53
like, different things when we were in Utah.
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And, it was always hard for her, but the more that she pushed back and said no, the more I
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wanted to because I needed to experience my sovereignty.
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So that's something that, like, if two people are struggling to find an agreement, a lot of
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times they're not giving each other full freedom.
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And if they can, this can actually allow the person to find their truth.
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So for me, once she finally did it, she's like, fine, Britton.
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Tell me exactly what you want.
20:18
So I went and wrote I'd, like, had, you know, I think it was several weeks of time to, like,
20:24
contemplate this, to research polyamory, to research all the things that were they actually
20:29
things that I wanted and, and drop into my heart.
20:33
And what my heart said was, you know, I wanted to try these experiences, and I wanted to have
20:38
this, but that I was fully committed to her and to the evolution of our union.
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And at this point, we'd already seen it as a divine union, and we'd already seen it as a
20:47
very spiritual connection.
20:49
And so that was, like, one of the big steps in that process of creating new agreements.
20:54
And then from there, she had to, like, sit with it.
20:57
You know, there wasn't an urgency to rush it.
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That can also be a damaging thing for other people.
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Like, if they're just trying to rush stuff, like, you can get into all sorts of train
21:05
wrecks there.
21:07
But, actually, sometimes those train wrecks are important because it helps you to, like,
21:10
reorient faster.
21:12
So it just depends, you know, do what you need to do.
21:15
But yeah.
21:16
Like so I I handed out those agreements to her, and she got to review them and sit with them
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for a bit, and then she was able to respond.
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Do you wanna say anything?
21:26
Yeah.
21:26
Look.
21:26
Yeah.
21:26
Harley.
21:28
Yeah.
21:28
So, you know, I mean, in this beginning stages, right, we're going back just a tiny bit to
21:34
where, like, I literally had I took no initiative in our sexual life.
21:39
I was deeply programmed from my own own upbringing, my childhood trauma, childhood
21:44
sexual trauma, and the culture, the family culture that I was in to literally be a really
21:49
good wife and a really good mother, but I had no context of how to be a lover.
21:54
And I desired deeply to have this loving relationship, and I really thought that by
22:00
being a wife and a mother, I would have all the things.
22:02
But when it came down to it, right, my beloved, my husband was unfaithful again and then again
22:09
and then again, and then I just couldn't feel happy in my own body.
22:13
Right?
22:13
And so that's where I was, and I really, really, really, really, really wanted to heal.
22:16
I really wanted to be free from the trauma that had been pretty much a part of my whole life.
22:23
What he did to betray me wasn't even the first time of of betrayal, so to speak.
22:29
Like, I realized there was this common thread for myself in partnership and relationship that
22:34
never quite felt settled and accepted and enough.
22:38
So his actions just kinda highlighted that.
22:40
Right?
22:41
And so he asked, hey.
22:43
Let's let's experiment.
22:45
Let's play.
22:45
Let's open.
22:46
And I guess the part that I would say that wasn't good for me was in those spaces because
22:52
I didn't actually have a yes there.
22:55
It was more of a no.
22:57
I was a chronic people pleaser.
22:59
I was highly codependent, and so I'd step into these places where he lovingly was like, you
23:05
just need to experience something.
23:06
I mean, I had only ever experienced him.
23:08
Experience something and see.
23:10
You're okay, but I wasn't okay.
23:13
I self betrayed through those activities, through those actions, through putting myself
23:18
in places that I wasn't ready, quote, unquote, to be in, and that caused me to have to heal my
23:25
own relationship with myself holding my own safety.
23:29
You know?
23:30
And so, like, I would say that that that's a really important thing to know that that we
23:34
walked through that threshold.
23:35
He stayed with me, and he held me through that, but then I had to get really clear, and it was
23:40
hard.
23:41
It was really hard for me to think about to to sit with his desires to have some kind of open
23:47
relating experiences with others because to me, in my own nervous system, it felt like a
23:53
compromise, and then it also felt like it wasn't any different than the infidelity.
24:00
I just actually would know about it beforehand.
24:03
So those were two beliefs, and then also I felt like if I I had this deep, deep core belief
24:08
from my religious programming that if I were to have sex or be intimate in any way with anyone
24:14
other than my married partnership, that my I would literally, my I would lose my soul.
24:20
Like, I had this deep programming about the religious nature of sex and what that meant
24:24
about me as a good person.
24:27
So I had to kind of pull through all those threads apart, and we did this program, you
24:33
know, after we made some of these mistakes.
24:35
They were really just clarity points.
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But, like, we did some of these activities, and I allowed myself explore.
24:43
I was open.
24:44
I realized that my fear was actually blocking me from growth, that it's through our fears
24:51
instead of resisting it that we gain greater clarity and achieve what it is we're looking
24:56
for.
24:58
But then we did this program that was like a 12 subject kind of it was called LifeBook, and it
25:04
was like we looked at all the different categories of our life, our parenting
25:07
relationship, our our spiritual life, our physical life, and one of the categories was
25:13
the love relationship.
25:15
And in the early part of 2023, we were living in Bali.
25:20
We had sold everything.
25:22
We moved our fam like, literally sold everything and moved with our four kids to
25:26
Bali, and we were there and we were sitting with this program.
25:30
Both of us sat down together, and I was on my laptop and he was on his, and we started typing
25:35
out our ideal relationship parameters.
25:39
What would I want?
25:39
What would you so we'd write it individually, and then we share.
25:43
And that was kind of actually a huge turning point for what we ended up being able to
25:49
discover.
25:50
Because once we both kind of sat with some specific prompts and got clear, we realized
25:56
where we were was closer than where we had been, but it was still a little ways off from
26:02
where we wanted to be.
26:02
We were still in this vibration of compromise.
26:07
In order for him to have what he wants, I lose.
26:10
In order for me to have what I want, he loses.
26:13
And how do you come to a place where there's an is it even possible to have this third
26:19
alternative that's actually not a compromise?
26:22
That's a full fuck yes for both people.
26:24
Mhmm.
26:25
We didn't know how to find that.
26:28
And but sitting down with these ideals, these prompts of, like, what our ideal relationship,
26:34
we did that '23, and it took until November that year before all of the lessons that we
26:43
needed, the embodiment, the journey.
26:46
We were traveling the world at this time.
26:47
It was this deep soul alchemy that we were doing finally landed in a way that we could we,
26:55
like, arrived at a place where my agreements and his agreements didn't compromise the other.
27:00
It was, it was at where we found our we.
27:04
And that was even I mean, yeah, there there's so much more stories to tell about all of that,
27:09
but that's kind of the high level.
27:10
Thank you.
27:11
I mean, there's so much wisdom in what you say, right?
27:13
I think this point around compromise is one of the examples of many things you guys have said
27:19
that are like these teachings around relationships that people just accept around
27:23
like, well, this is what you're supposed to do, and you're and and you're absolutely right.
27:26
And that's one of the things I talk about as well, around like, nobody wins with compromise.
27:31
Basically, we get two people not living their fullest expressions of their themselves, not,
27:36
you know, not living in authenticity authenticity to who they are.
27:39
And, you know, a lot you said too around this concept of, hey, when we are actually in these
27:47
these processes of learning, we're not gonna necessarily get it right.
27:49
We might try to compromise like you did with going to these play parties and these things
27:54
that didn't feel good to you to please our partner, but I think one of the fundamental
27:58
strategies is, like, starting to actually ask the right questions to first understand what
28:06
one individually really wants first.
28:08
Like, what is a good relationship, and how do you begin to understand that without the shame,
28:13
the guilt, all those things, which is really a great, great lead in to what we're gonna talk
28:18
about in part two.
28:19
So for everybody, remember in part two, which you can access at the link in the show notes
28:23
here.
28:24
So in part two, we're gonna talk about the shadow side.
28:28
We're gonna talk about what comes up when we are renegotiating these agreements where that
28:33
that stuff that we don't really look at.
28:35
Right?
28:35
That stuff that we say, hey.
28:37
We're gonna tuck in the corner and and it's bad or it's guilt ridden or whatever.
28:40
We don't look at it.
28:42
And we're actually gonna say, well, it comes up, and sometimes it comes up in these ways
28:45
that are, like, oftentimes not very pretty.
28:48
So we're gonna talk about that.
28:49
We're gonna talk with Britton and Carolee about some of their work in the play world, some of
28:54
their work with things like BDSM and Kink and some of these alternative strategies that can
28:59
actually help to deeply heal those parts of us.
29:02
So again, all of that in part two.
29:05
So wrapping up today, I know we're gonna put your website in the show notes, so
29:10
themagicalstoryofus.com.
29:12
We'll put that in the show notes for everybody.
29:14
But I wanna make sure you have a a moment to talk and let everybody know about the work you
29:19
do and how people can get support around this topic if people want more support.
29:25
Yeah.
29:26
So first of all, one of the things I just wanna say is great job on the whole what does it look
29:32
like for two humans to come together?
29:33
What how can we make a relationship?
29:35
Marriage has so many connotations and ideas and cultural traditions around it, and we should
29:40
just start from the the ground level of, like, we I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
29:46
What does that look like for you?
29:47
You know, like, let's just see what that looks like.
29:50
But, yeah, what Carly and I do is we work with people that want to deepen their, well, first
29:56
of all, it generally speaking, we wanna help people heal.
29:59
So shadow work is the key, and in divine union or relationship like what what, a couple can
30:05
have, there's an incredible amount of depth that can be achieved, and we wanna guide people
30:10
into being cocreators.
30:11
So all of that is, you know, on our on our website, The Magical Story of Us, where they
30:16
can learn about some of the programs and coaching opportunities we have and and, you
30:20
know, schedule a discovery call.
30:21
So they can find that at at that website.
30:23
Yeah.
30:23
They can add their email into our system and be notified of you know, we have a book coming out
30:29
later this year called Ritual Shadow Work, which is literally the synthesis of the most
30:34
effective healing that we found and created our own little message for it.
30:38
But, yeah, you can access our social links and join our mailing list.
30:44
And like Brin said, book a discovery call if some of the processes and the methods of the
30:50
way we work with healing resonate.
30:52
Amazing.
30:53
Well, we will have all of those links for you guys in the show notes on how to get ahold of
30:57
Britton and Carolee.
30:58
I hope you all will join us for part two, and thank you all for being here for another
31:03
episode on the lounge.
31:04
Ciao for now.
31:08
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
31:10
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31:12
Please share this with your friends.
31:14
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.