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Transcript

I Lost Myself After Becoming a Mom… Then I Found Her Again · Mom Gone Mild

0:10
Hey guys, welcome back to Mom Gone Mild.
0:15
If you're new here. Hi, welcome.
0:18
I'm Lex. I'm a former Hospice nurse, a
0:21
first time mom to my beautiful son Axel, and the host of
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course, of this podcast. Today's episode is a little bit
0:27
different because lately I've been thinking, who was I before
0:31
Axel? I think once we become moms,
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people naturally kind of know us as someone's mom.
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And don't get me wrong, this has been my favorite title, but
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sometimes I forget there was a whole other version of me before
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motherhood. A lot of you know me as the girl
0:48
with the podcast who's always talking about motherhood, of
0:51
fitness, healing, and just generally becoming the best
0:55
version of yourself. But you probably don't know how
0:59
I got here. So today I want to tell you that
1:03
story, not because I think, oh, I'm extraordinary, I'm not.
1:09
But I do think many women feel like, you know, motherhood has
1:13
taken over our lives. If my story proves anything,
1:17
it's that life almost never goes according to plan.
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Trust me. So who was I before Axel?
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Let's just get into it. The first version of me, I
1:27
guess, was a very confused Community College girl who had
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literally absolutely no clue what she was doing.
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You know, those people who have their entire five year planned
1:39
mapped out? Yeah, that definitely was not
1:43
me. I took environmental science.
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I thought I was going to be a marine biologist.
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I took art because who knew? I took history, film history.
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Honestly, I don't even know what other random classes I took
1:58
because honestly, I was kind of just hoping that like, one of
2:02
them would magically tell me, like, this is what you're
2:04
supposed to do with your life. And spoiler alert, it didn't.
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So I decided to go to cosmetology school.
2:14
And honestly, cosmetology school was mostly me hanging out with
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my friends all day. But the funny part I guess is my
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favorite part wasn't like necessarily doing the hair, it
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was more like the anatomy, the chemistry of the colors.
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I basically I love talking to clients.
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The practical part, no, it was not for me.
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I was awful. But you know, I realized pretty
2:42
quickly that while I love talking to the people and making
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them feel good, for the most part, I didn't actually love
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doing hair. I honestly wish I did, because
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let me tell you something, I did work for like a really fancy
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schmancy salon in Beverly Hills. I'm talking about $100 tips.
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I remember thinking, wait, people are actually paying me
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this much just on tips. The money was great, life was
3:10
fun. I was young, I was busy as you
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can probably imagine. Let's just say I made a few
3:18
questionable decisions back then.
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Couldn't have convinced me that one day I literally get so
3:25
excited for a shopping trip to Sprouts and finding a new coffee
3:29
place. Literally life is so funny like
3:32
that. But even then, I honestly feel
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like healthcare just kept calling to me.
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Looking back, I think that's probably why I love maybe like
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the anatomy learning the human body so much.
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I've always loved taking care of people.
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So I enrolled at American Career College in Los Angeles.
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Shout out to become an LVN and for the first time in my life I
4:00
feel like something just clicked.
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I love nursing school clinicals. I wasn't the best, but you know,
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I just love learning about the human body.
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And for the first time, I wasn't really jealous of people who
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knew exactly what they wanted to do because finally I had found
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my thing. I was so excited.
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I actually, I like graduated with honors from nursing school
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and it was just like so different from like my other
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schooling. And I just realized like this is
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what I want to do for the rest of my life.
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After graduation. I started, you know, one-on-one
4:36
home care. I loved my patient, but
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honestly, I worked overnight shifts and if you have worked
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those shifts, you already know your life is literally
4:48
backwards. Everyone is going to dinner,
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everyone is like, it was just like I felt like another
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dimension. It was so weird.
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I started my days at night. Everyone's making weekend plans.
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You're literally just trying to catch up on sleep and you never
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do. You miss birthdays, you miss
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holidays, you basically you miss life and it gets lonely.
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Eventually I found my way into home health and Hospice.
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I started off as a visiting nurse.
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I know for most of you guys know I'm not like super hands on.
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I later became a patient coordinator and eventually I
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found my dream job as a senior case manager.
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And people ask me all the time like why did you go to Hospice?
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And honestly I I get why people ask.
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I mean, people hear Hospice and immediately think death or
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scary. But when I think about Hospice,
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I honestly think about the families.
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I think about helping people through one of the hardest times
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of their lives. I think about sitting at
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someone's kitchen, you know, just answering questions that
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they are just too scared to ask. I think about making sure that
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someone is comfortable, making sure someone felt heard,
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especially at the end of life. It, it can be a lot of things
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coming up, making sure, you know, a family doesn't feel
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alone. It can be a lot for a family.
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Hospice isn't about like necessarily giving up.
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It's about, you know, giving them dignity, giving them
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compassion. Of course, Healthcare is all
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about that, but this is at the end of the life.
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It's about making someone's final chapter literally as
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peaceful as you can. That honestly, that job changed
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me not just as a nurse. I feel like it changed me as a
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person. It taught me patience.
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It, I mean, I have some wild stories, you know, it taught me
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compassion looking in a perspective.
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Working in Hospice has a way of kind of reminding you of
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actually what matters in life. When you spend your career
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caring for people at the end of their lives, you realize nobody
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talks about wishing they had more work.
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They talk about family, They talk about first loves.
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They talk about, you know, the memories that they made, the
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little moments they wish they could honestly have one more
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time. That's perspective that has
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stayed with me ever since. I absolutely loved what I did.
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I loved my coworkers. I loved my job.
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I mean, it was a good job. It paid very well.
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I loved my patience. I just I loved feeling like I
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was actually making a difference.
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If you would have asked me back then what my future would look
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like, I probably would have answered without even thinking.
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I'd get married, I'd have a baby, I'd take maternity leave,
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then literally go right back to work.
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That was always the plan, and turns out life had a completely
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different 1 for me when I became pregnant.
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I honestly thought everything was still going to be exactly
8:03
the same. Exactly my plan, just with a
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baby. And then, you know, I'd have
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Axel, I'd take maternity leave, go back to work, easy peasy, you
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know? Well, not exactly.
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My pregnancy was a rough one. This is another example why I am
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only one and done. You know, it was just like I was
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put on pelvic rest, which if you've ever been on pelvic rest,
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you know, it's basically your doctor saying, congratulations,
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you're going to be sitting or laying on a couch and doing
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absolutely nothing. And if you know me, that was
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literal torture. Then came the delivery.
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That wasn't exactly easy either. It had its own battles.
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You can go back to the older episodes.
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And just after Axel was born, I feel like everything changed in
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me. I struggled really bad with
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postpartum depression. My doctor actually extended my
9:09
disability twice because my totally I just wasn't ready.
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Postpartum is something you truly don't understand until
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you've gone through it and live through it.
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You're exhausted, your hormones are up, down, all over the
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place. You're trying to basically keep
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this tiny little human alive, and you have no instructions.
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And somehow you're also supposed to figure out who you are again,
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it it's just like a lot. Then came one of the hardest
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decisions I've ever had to make. Trust me, it took a lot out of
9:44
me. Do I go back to work?
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I looked into daycare. I thought about working part
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time. I went back and forth in my head
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constantly because if I'm being completely honest, I just
9:58
couldn't do it. We don't necessarily have like
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the family that can constantly watch Axel Monday through
10:05
Friday. Of course, we have some family,
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but it's just not consistent enough.
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And deep down, I feel like I wasn't really ready to leave
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him. You know, maybe I'm codependent
10:15
on my baby, but thankfully I have an incredible husband.
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I just remember him looking at me and simply saying I've got
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this. Those 3 words changed
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everything. They gave me permission to stop
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feeling guilty, choose what really felt right for our
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family. And I know, I know how blessed I
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am to have support. I get it, not everyone does you
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know? But even with that support, I
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feel like it wasn't necessarily like an easy decision because
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it's not like I hated my job. This was actually my dream job.
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I love my career. I still love nursing.
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I've literally been working since I was 15 years old.
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My mom, like had to sign some permission slip for me to work.
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You know, having my own paycheck wasn't just about money.
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It literally represented my independence, which meant a lot
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to me. It still does.
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You know, there will always be, they're going to, there is going
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to be a day that I go back to work once Axel goes to school,
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you know, nursing, I'm coming back for you.
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But right now, I feel like life just looks different.
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You know, it's funny how things can change.
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I feel like I traded like ordering supplies, seeing
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patients, coordinating care for cleaning dishes, folding
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laundry, and literally chasing an almost toddler around the
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house. Almost toddler.
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You guys heard me today. He's 11 months and seriously,
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can someone explain to me why there's so many damn dishes all
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the time? Why is the laundry always piling
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up? I swear I finished the dishes.
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I'm going like rambling but I feel like I turn around and
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there's more dishes or another cup.
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I cannot stand that. I do like 3 loads of laundry and
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somehow there's still another basket waiting for me.
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It's a lot. Nobody warned me, you know.
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Motherhood came with a full time keeping job and tomorrow you'll
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do it again. We spend literally every day
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together. I cook, I clean, I make bottles,
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I chase Axel around the house, I change his diaper, I sing You
12:25
are my sunshine. More times than honestly, I can
12:29
remember a day I read the same books over and over.
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And don't even get me started on how many episodes of Miss Rachel
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I watch a week. Apparently that's just
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motherhood. I mean, some people are going to
12:44
be like screen time's not motherhood, but sometimes I need
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a break. Being a stay at home mom is
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beautiful. It's also been one of the
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biggest shifts of my life. And while we're on that topic,
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can we please stop making moms feel guilty for every single
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decision that they make? Whether you're a stay at home
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mom, you go back to work, whether you're breastfeeding,
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whether you're formula feeding, whether you're Co sleeping,
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whether you're sleep training, whether you're doing that Ferber
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technique. I personally can't do it.
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But if you can't, props to you. I'm sure your baby's already
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sleeping through the night. Mine's not.
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I just feel like someone is always going to have an opinion.
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And honestly, it's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
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Every family is different. What works for mine might not
13:33
work for yours, and what works for yours might not work for
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mine. And that's absolutely OK.
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So let's stop making moms feel like they have to defend every
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single decision that they make. Motherhood is freaking hard
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enough. Let's just give each other a
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little grace. I, I, I feel like I'm getting so
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excited about this because I'm tired of it.
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I feel like it's always a discussion.
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I think we'd just be a lot more happier if we just ended it, you
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know? I also apologize to every stay
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at home mom because before becoming one, I honestly thought
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how hard could it really be? I'm sorry, I get it now.
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Honestly, working is something that comes natural to me because
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I've always done it. Motherhood didn't.
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I absolutely love being Axel's mom more than anything, trust
14:32
me. But loving something doesn't
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mean it isn't hard. One of the hardest parts for me
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even wasn't like the diapers or the sleepless nights.
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I feel like a big thing was the isolation.
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No one told me about that because while I was battling
14:49
postpartum depression and anxiety, most of my friends
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either have older kids or they don't have kids or they don't
14:56
want kids. So I didn't really have anyone
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going through this exact situation with me.
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And of course, it's no one's fault.
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I don't blame anyone. We're all in, just different,
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you know, episodes in our life. But if you know me, I'm a
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freaking Libra. I'm a social butterfly.
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I love people, I love talking to people, I love going out.
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And he just like all of a sudden I was home all the time, every
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single day. And honestly, I feel like I just
15:32
became so scared to leave the house alone with Axel, not
15:36
because I didn't want to, but because my anxiety freaking
15:40
convinced me. Like, something's going to go
15:43
wrong when you're not home. What if I can't get the stroller
15:47
open? What if I can't unbuckle his
15:50
seat belt because I have these long nails?
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Which actually is still one of my biggest fears, You know, what
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if he started crying and I, you know, I'm not able to calm him
16:01
down because I'm driving. Looking back, those fears
16:05
probably sounds silly to some people.
16:07
I still struggle with a few. At the time.
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They felt so freaking real. Then the other day I drove to
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the zoo by myself to meet my mom and my brothers.
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You guys, that was like a huge win for me.
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I packed the diaper bag, loaded axle in the car, got the
16:28
stroller out. I I did almost fall because I
16:31
like yanked kind of a stroller and now we like added like huge
16:34
tires. So it's like this big ass thing.
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But anyways, I struggled opening the stroller, but whatever, I
16:42
figured it out and we had the absolute best day.
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He has been teething awfully and it was just really nice to be
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out. I just remember driving home and
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thinking, OK girl, like maybe I really can do this.
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So if you've struggled with postpartum anxiety, you know
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that these little victories aren't little.
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I mean, they're huge because every time you do something that
17:12
scares you, you get a little bit of your confidence back.
17:15
One of the best things I've done is honestly join just local kind
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of mom groups on Instagram, Facebook.
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I've met so many incredible women, women who understand, you
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know what I'm going through because they're actually living
17:33
it too, or they just lived it. So if you're feeling lonely,
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join something, a mom group, A walking group, A fitness class,
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you know, whatever interests you, there is a freaking group
17:46
for it. I promise.
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And I just changed the color. And if the first group just
17:53
doesn't feel right, that happens too.
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And that's OK. It's honestly I feel like a
17:59
trial and error because not every group is going to be like
18:03
your people and that doesn't mean like stop trying.
18:06
I get it, it can be very intimidating but do it.
18:09
It's actually nice. Sometimes all it takes is just
18:12
meeting one person that truly understands you and it was worth
18:17
it. But mom gone mild, I feel like
18:20
it's different for me. It's not just like this hobby.
18:24
I feel like sometimes people think that it wasn't something I
18:27
just started because Oh my gosh, I'm so bored.
18:29
It was literally born in one of the hardest times of my life.
18:35
I just remember sitting at home wondering like, am I the only
18:38
one feeling this way? Am I the only one struggling
18:42
with postpartum depression this bad?
18:45
Am I the only one who, you know, loves being a mom more than
18:51
anything but still misses pieces of who I used to be?
18:55
And I just remember thinking, there has to be other women
18:58
feeling this way. There's just no way that one
19:01
person feels this way. There has to be someone lying
19:04
awake, you know, thinking about who they used to be.
19:07
So one day I just decided I bought a microphone.
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Actually, my husband bought it for me.
19:12
And honestly, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.
19:16
I am the least tech person around.
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I had to teach myself everything.
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I taught myself how to record, how to edit, how to upload an
19:25
episode. I didn't even know how to get
19:29
these accounts to Spotify, Apple, Amazon Music, YouTube
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accounts. I had to just Google everything
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and there was like no producer, there was no fancy team, no
19:40
apps, obviously no studio. Still to this day, you know, it
19:43
was just me and I guess OK, props to my husband because he
19:48
edited all my videos before. Now I do it.
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So yes, he does get some credit. But this podcast, I feel like it
19:57
was always my dream and I'm. I just didn't know what it was
20:01
going to be about. I knew I wanted to talk, but I
20:04
didn't know what about. And so I'm just really proud of
20:06
that because I almost talked myself out of this so many
20:10
times. I kept thinking like, who's even
20:12
going to listen to me? What if absolutely nobody cares?
20:16
What if I sound super awkward? You know, what if I fail?
20:21
Then I realized something. If one woman listening to an
20:26
episode, you know, feels a little less lonely.
20:30
If one mom feels seen. If one person finishes an
20:34
episode and they think like, wow, I thought I was the only
20:38
one then honestly, it was worth everything.
20:43
So I stopped over thinking I freaking hit record and somehow
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here we are on the 29th episode. You know, now every Tuesday has
20:53
just become my favorite day of the week.
20:55
It's my creative day. It's the day that I get to like
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sit down, grab my iced coffee or whatever caffeine I'm having
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that day, turn on my camera and just talk to you all.
21:08
I get to film, I get to edit, I get to answer messages, I get to
21:11
create content. And, you know, I get to have
21:14
like conversations that really matter because when you're with
21:18
basically a baby all day, you don't really talk.
21:21
I mean, baby talk and, you know, telling what's going on.
21:24
But this podcast gave me something I didn't even realize,
21:27
I guess that I was missing. I guess it gave me a piece of
21:32
myself back. It reminded me that I could
21:36
still dream, I could still create, I could still build
21:40
something that was just mine while being the best mom I could
21:44
be. So for a couple of hours every
21:47
week, you know, I'm not just mom or ma.
21:49
That's axles new thing like ma ma and yeah.
21:55
So I'm literally just Lex for those hours and I honestly can't
22:00
imagine my life without mom gone mild.
22:02
I know a silly little podcast and I think every mom deserves
22:05
something that's hers, some kind of outlet, something that
22:10
reminds her to a whole person outside of motherhood.
22:13
Maybe that's going for a walk. Maybe it's reading a book.
22:17
Maybe it's going back to work. Maybe it's starting your own
22:21
business. I mean, I thought about that a
22:23
lot too, starting other businesses because this is my
22:26
business now, you know, I or going back to school, learning,
22:30
you know, a new hobby. Or maybe it's finally just doing
22:33
that thing that you've been talking yourself out of for
22:36
years because you don't think you're ready.
22:39
Whatever it is, don't stop being you.
22:42
Motherhood absolutely changes you.
22:46
It should. It teaches us, it grows us, but
22:50
it also doesn't erase us. So this podcast, you know,
22:55
reminded me of that. That's kind of like where my
22:58
head was this whole week. It helped me believe in myself
23:02
again. It gave me the confidence to
23:04
really put myself out there because it could be scary
23:07
putting yourself out there. It pushed me to just start
23:11
writing. It kind of like made me fall in
23:16
love with me again. You know, I got into fitness,
23:19
you know, it just reminded me that to just chase your dreams
23:24
for so long, my purpose, I feel like was taking care of other
23:28
people because I was a nurse. And I truly love that.
23:31
I love being a nurse. I love being there for my
23:35
patients and their families, you know, during some of the hardest
23:38
times of their lives. But I feel like somewhere along
23:42
the way, I have realized, you know, I could still help people,
23:47
just in a different way. Now instead of, you know,
23:50
helping people through nursing, I get to help women feel seen.
23:55
I get to remind someone that they are not failing, that they
23:59
are not alone. And maybe that's, you know, the
24:03
biggest lesson I've learned through all of this.
24:07
At the beginning of this episode, I said it felt like,
24:10
you know, I lived three different lives.
24:14
But the more I think about it, you know, it's actually not
24:18
true. I feel like it's been obviously
24:20
one life, one life, you know, that continues to grow, that
24:26
continues to evolve. Every season honestly has a
24:30
purpose. I went from the confused college
24:33
girl, the cosmetology student, the nurse, you know, I went from
24:37
Hospice to motherhood to mom gone mild.
24:41
And none of it was a waste. Absolutely none of it.
24:45
Every version of me taught me something different.
24:48
Every version of me prepared me for the next.
24:51
Like every version of me helped shape the woman I am today, the
24:56
mom I am today. So if there's one thing I hope
25:00
you take away from this episode, it's this.
25:03
Please listen. Please don't ever feel like you
25:07
are behind in anything. I have said this many times
25:10
before, but I didn't have my life fared out in my 20s.
25:14
Honestly, some days I still feel like I'm still figuring out and
25:19
I think that's probably true for most of us.
25:23
Remember, life isn't a race. There isn't a timeline you have
25:27
to follow. You're allowed to change careers
25:31
because you don't like it anymore.
25:32
You're allowed to change your mind.
25:34
You're allowed to go back to school.
25:36
You're allowed to become a mom. You're allowed to open that
25:40
business that you've been wanting to do.
25:42
You're allowed to start over times, you know?
25:45
The life you end up living and loving looks absolutely nothing
25:51
like your original plan. Because honestly, this is not
25:54
the life I ever thought that I would have.
25:57
If you're feeling stuck right now, please don't think your
26:00
story is over. It might feel like, I don't
26:04
know. It might just be preparing you
26:07
for what's still to come. All right, guys, I feel like
26:11
that's a good kind of way to go. So I just want to thank you guys
26:15
so much for hanging out with me today.
26:17
And this episode was really personal.
26:21
And I appreciate you guys letting me share my story with
26:25
you. If you know another woman who's
26:27
like trying to figure out life, I mean, we all are, you know,
26:31
send this episode to her. Maybe she'll realize she isn't
26:37
alone. And if you're watching this on
26:39
YouTube, please don't forget to subscribe, like leave a comment
26:44
because seriously, I love reading them.
26:48
And if you're listening on Spotify, Apple, Amazon,
26:52
whatever, leave me a five star review because it really helps
26:56
Mom Gone mild continue to grow and just spread the word.
27:00
And you know, come hang out with me on Instagram all the time at
27:04
Mom Gone Mild under score podcast.
27:06
I'd love to hear which part of kind of today's episode related
27:10
to you most. So next week is the season 1
27:14
finale and trust and I want to miss it.
27:16
Until then, be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and remember
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your life doesn't have to go according to plan for it to turn
27:27
out beautiful. All right guys, I will see you
27:31
same time, same place next week. I love you.