Latest / Dr. Derek H. Suite MD - The SuiteSpot / Unpacking The Four Agreements 2/7 — Say It Clean. Be Impeccable With Your Word: #TakeActionTuesday

Transcript

Unpacking The Four Agreements 2/7 — Say It Clean. Be Impeccable With Your Word: #TakeActionTuesday · Dr. Derek H. Suite MD - The SuiteSpot

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to The Sweet Spot.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It is Take Action Tuesday here on the Sweet Spot, and I'm delighted that you're here.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Derek Sweet.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host here on The Sweet Spot.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a board certified psychiatrist.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I work in high performance, but more than that, I'm your teammate here.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your teammate in the game of life.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And look, we got through Monday.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: We're here on Tuesday.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: We're in a wonderful series looking at a book called The Four Agreements.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: We talked yesterday about what the agreements mean, and we're going to go in on this book on our second episode of the seven episodes we're going to be doing here about the four agreements.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: So this is episode two of the four agreements, and we're calling it Say It Clean because we're going to be tackling the first of the four agreements.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready, sweet spotters?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's Tuesday.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, alright.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: We got it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We got it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So look, yesterday we talked about the agreements, remember?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not talking about the kind of agreements you sign, okay?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the kind of agreements you inherited in your life when you were just a little wee little baby and a toddler, and you grew up, you were making agreements all along, according to this book.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, the book is the four agreements.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: So look, you and I, according to this book, inherited these agreements, quiet ones, running in the background of our lives, the ones that fire before we even think.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: We said awareness of these agreements was the first move that you have to make so that your automatic, already always way of doing things and responding could be brought into the light.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do you get triggered easily?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Does criticism really, really bother you?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you take things personally?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do you make these huge assumptions and sometimes you're wrong?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Those are all scripts that we all have.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the agreements that we've made, and this book, The Four Agreements, talks about that.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, we said awareness is the first move.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to know.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can't correct the agreement or alter the agreement if you don't even know what it is that you're making.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so much of these agreements are automatic.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're gonna make the next move.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're gonna talk about the first agreement: your word.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Honor your word.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let your yes be your yes, your no be your no.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Speak kindly.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it's not just what you say out loud I'm talking about.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking you to think about what you say constantly to yourself, about yourself, about the people around you.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: What are you saying to yourself about them?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the thing: most people think when we say the first agreement, be impeccable with your word, means that you have to be polished with your words.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what we're talking about.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Impeccable comes from the Latin verb impecare, without sin, without fault.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: It means clean, it means intentional, it means without contamination.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Your word is your most powerful creative tool.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's our most precious tool, our words.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when you see, and most of us are using it like a dull knife on the wrong target.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your words are just oh, I'll I'm speak to myself, my words, man.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can be better with that.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to be direct about that.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: When you call yourself dumb, stupid, or I'm an idiot, or how could I do that?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: When you say things like that to yourself, that's not really humility, that's an agreement.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: But you say, I'm the worst at that.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, don't trust me for this, or anything along those lines, that's an agreement that you're making according to this book.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: When you gossip about a colleague in the in the hallway, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, who hasn't done that?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: But you're like talking about somebody, right?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's not really venting, that's an agreement you're making according to the book.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when you say, I always do this, it's just who I am.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'll never get this right.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: So what I do, I just don't, I just don't, I don't know, I don't get it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's your nervous system hearing you say something that is going to file and build a case against you.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why sometimes we repeat the things in life that we say.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: So this is what's happening in the brain because, as you know, here on the sweet spot, we're about science, we're about soul and success.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna give you the science.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: When we say something and we put words out there, there's a part of the brain, think of it as your language professor that's constantly recording it and activating it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your left inferior frontal gyrus is your language professor, and he or she, whatever this brain uh section is, is listening.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not just when you're speaking, but when you're thinking as well.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because guess what?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: You and I we think in words.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it's very important that we understand this very first agreement in this book is honor your word.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm telling you, you think in words, and so the words that you're saying to yourself about yourself really matter, and you know where those words eventually end up, especially if they're negative.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the amygdala.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: How many sessions have we had on this amygdala?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I and we're not picking on the amygdala, we need our amygdala, it's our survival threat protector safety cop.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, when the words land in your amygdala, your threat and emotion center, they're like inputs.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: So your brain doesn't distinguish between words spoken about you and words spoken by you when these negative words start coming out of you, whether they're about somebody else or about you, they just get logged into the brain, and this criticism activates the same threat circuits as external danger does, believe it or not.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And your brain kind of secretly prepares for something, so you have more cortisol flowing in your body, a little more tension flowing in your body, your focus is a little narrow.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when we're when we're in a negative conversation using negative words with other people or ourselves, trust me, we're not always in enough awareness to know that our bodies are really reacting during those moments.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why this book is saying, honor your word, be careful with your word, guard your word, because wow, it's playing out on our body.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, like you're coaching a little league team or something, and you're like, oh man, I'm there's a bunch of losers or whatever.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're the coach and you say something like that.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: You say something during a timeout, you whisper something in a timeout, you know, you mutter it to yourself.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Every part of your brain registers it.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're in medicine, you're a nurse, you're a doctor, you're you're a medical professional, and you're you're tired.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And between patients, you say something like, you know, I can't keep doing this, man.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really tired.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you feel that, your body begins to feel that before you even look at the next chart.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it carries with you, and it becomes a part of you.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're a student, and you can't get this solution right.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can't, it's organic chemistry, it's it's biochemistry, I don't know, it's it's medical physiology.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you're studying, and you're like, oh man, I'm really bad at this, I'm not good at this.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Calculus, whatever it is, I am just not good at this.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're rehearsing something, and your neuropathways in your brain are listening and they're creating this script.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: These are agreements.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just speaking when you say these negative things, you're actually dosing, you're dosing your brain with this stuff.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because words have power, they just do, and so that's why this first agreement in this book is be impeccable with your word.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Be precise, be impeccable.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just know what you're saying because it matters, right?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because life and death are in the tongue.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's in Proverbs, that's in the ancient wisdom.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: The ancient wisdom, before we know all this neuroscience, before Dr.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sweet can sit here and talk to you about the amygdala and the inferior frontal gyrus and your insula and your ACC and all this fancy stuff.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: The ancient word just put said it bluntly in the ancient wisdom.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I love the ancient wisdom.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 18, verse 21.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Go look it up.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: The tongue has power of life and death.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's just neuroscience in ancient language mixed together.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, that's true, right?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's not really poetry, it's neuroscience, it's it's it's it's ancient wisdom, it's it's giving us something.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And okay, maybe all right, so let's say okay, the Bible isn't your thing, right?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it, right?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Tiknyathan from Mindfulness, that that mindfulness guru, he had a thing that he called right speech.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Speech that is right, speech that is truthful, speech that is helpful, and speech that is timely.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's what right speech means.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's not speech that sounds right, but speech that is right.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this, from the mindfulness perspective, he said that words can carry suffering or they can carry liberation.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Same mouth, but a different intention.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the choice is in the practice of what words you were saying.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because whether you're into the ancient wisdom or you're into mindfulness, or whatever it is, we can't escape it.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because how we say things matters.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Think about what Jay-Z said.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a businessman, I'm a businessman.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just tweaking the words, I'll do it again.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a businessman, I'm a businessman.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Stay with me, stay with me.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because this isn't just about branding, okay?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's about understanding that everything you say and how you say it can have different meanings.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a businessman, I'm a businessman.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, your word is your brand, not your LinkedIn headline, it's not what's on your jersey.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's what you say when you're tired, what you say when you're passed over, what you say when you're not getting your way, what you say when you're under stress, what you say in the group chat at 11 o'clock.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's your brand.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Word is bond, right?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: They used to use that way back.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's how old I am.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's I actually remember that one.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, and and and look, you and when we gossip or we start talking negative and we're like backbiting and saying all this negative stuff, gossip isn't always loud.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just your raised eyebrow.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, to raise that eyebrow and squint, you know, look, that's your sidebar conversation.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's still words.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And what it does every time is it pulls you out of integrity, out of your own integrity, not theirs, yours.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can't speak poison about someone else and come back to your best self in the same breath.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't work that way.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere in the ancient wisdom, I can't remember it, I wish I could, is that a fountain can't give both kinds of water at the same time.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: So the energy you use with your words to drag someone down is the energy you took from your own lane.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's depleting you.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, Don Miguel Ruiz, the one who wrote this book, when he wrote the four agreements, we're only dealing with agreement one today.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about honoring your word, right?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So he said, Look, knowing how powerful words are, use your word in the direction of the light.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Use your words for truth and love, not performance, not defense, not ammunition or anything like that.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: But use your words for truth and love.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just think about that.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, just be conscious about that.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let that let that sink in.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you using your words every single day for truth, for love, for peace, for happiness, for joy?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know these things sound soft.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: To some people, it sounds soft, but you know what?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: You it's tougher to be forgiving, it's tougher to show love, it's tougher not to respond in in a in the same way that somebody responds that does something to you.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, much tougher.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, use your words in the direction of truth and love.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: That will apply to how you speak to your children, how you speak to your parents, your teammates, your colleagues, and especially yourself.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do you realize how unkind we can be to ourselves sometimes with how we're speaking?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Ever look in the mirror and be like, ah, I don't like this, I don't like that, or all that conversation.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So try this today.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna give you three moves and then we're gonna ought to be here.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is take action.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is take action Tuesday.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I gotta give you something that you can take an action on, right?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: So try try these three moves fast, right?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, before your next conversation, your next tough conversation, I want you to do this.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself before you speak, is what I'm about to say true?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Is it necessary?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: And very importantly, is it kind?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Is it true?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is it necessary?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: And is it kind?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I spoke with a really powerful gentleman the other day, and he was telling me that the truth without compassion is violence.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I had to live with that one.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: So is it true?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Is it necessary?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Is it kind?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need all three.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's be real.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can't always nail all three, but you need at least two.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You need at least two of these, right?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Before you speak to someone, especially in a hard conversation.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is it true?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Then and is it necessary?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is it true and is it kind?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's good.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is it kind and necessary?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like whatever your two are.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is it true, necessary, and kind?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Pick two and then go.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, okay, the next one.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, catch one negative self-statement today.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Just one.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, it doesn't have to be something you say out loud, it could be something you think.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Do not shame yourself, do not criticize yourself, do not uh say something bad about you.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Replace it with a very, and if you can't say something positive about you, well, replace it with something neutral.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of saying I always mess up, or they say that didn't go the way I planned.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because neutral sometimes is a win.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because you surely ain't winning with negative self-talk.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And believe it or not, negative self-talk is what really messes players up in games, it messes performers on the stage, it messes up relationships, it stops dreams from happening.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you catch one negative self-statement today, just one, and do not shame yourself for it.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Replace it with a neutral observation because neutral is a win.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Next, the third one, and then we're out.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: No gossip for 24 hours, not even a small negative statement about anybody for 24 hours.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you notice the urge, that's just data and information, right?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you notice, wow, I actually have a lot to say, and sometimes you know, some of this stuff is kind of like real, but you're just deciding you're not gonna do it.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself what you actually need in the moment that you're reaching for through gossip or through participating in this, and just give it a chance, 24 hours, and see what happens.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because if you don't think your words can arrive before you do, so you have to make sure that you're saying what you actually mean, and make sure your word is building what you actually want.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because remember, even in the ancient wisdom in the beginning, there was the word for science, for soul, and for success.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Say it clean.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Say it clean and watch what starts showing up cleaner in your life.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Take action Tuesday, let's go.