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From Frustration to Connection: Build a Sex Life That Works for Both of You · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for October 23rd, 2026. From Frustration to Connection,
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  Building a Sex Life that Works for Both of You.
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  So how do we apply be nice to sex?
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  In most marriages, one spouse wants more sex than the other.
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  How can we apply being nice to that, and to both the higher and the lower drive spouse?
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  Let me start by saying differences in drive need not be an ongoing frustration for one or both spouses.
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  We know couples who have made it work With both feeling good about the sex life
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  they have built together Built together is what makes the difference You both
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  have to be involved And you need to understand that you are building something for both of you,
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  I'm going to share some ideas that you can use or tweak To build a sex life
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  that works for both of you,
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  Most of these require that you believe your spouse will not exaggerate Or lie
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  to you to get what they want If this is not the case, you need help for your
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  marriage Before you try to fix sexual problems No sex day.
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  This is a day of the week when you agree sex is not going to happen.
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  Generally, this will be a day that is busy or stressful for one of both of you.
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  The lower drive spouse should understand that this does not change the desire
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  of the higher drive spouse.
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  The lower drive spouse should make a significant effort to have sex the day
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  before or after the no sex day.
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  I really need it. Sometimes the need is very strong. The need could be primarily
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  physical, or it might be all about needing to feel connected.
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  It might be because it's been longer than usual, but it can also happen when
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  you've had sex recently There may or may not be a discernible reason for feeling
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  this way Using this one too often will break it,
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  Honoring it when your spouse does say it will do good things for your marriage,
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  A note, what is needed will determine the proper response If the need is for
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  connection, a quickie or a handjob won't do it If the need is released,
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  what is done is less of an issue.
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  I need to climax. For some women, orgasm is iffy.
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  Most get past this after years of marriage, but some find it becomes an issue at menopause.
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  Getting aroused and not finishing is no fun. If she says she needs a climax,
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  you need to do everything you can to ensure that happens, and happens before you have yours.
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  Wait for it. This is a promise to have sex in the next 24 hours.
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  It's a rain check that is not open-ended.
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  No, but, for when you're not up to what has been requested but could do something else.
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  Of course, there's no obligation to accept the alternative offer as it may not meet the current need.
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  If you get me going. I've talked about responsive drive. There's a link in the show notes.
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  Which is having no desire but getting aroused by foreplay. Sometimes this can
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  take more than a bit of time and effort.
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  Saying you will have sex if your spouse gets you going is warning them and giving them the choice.
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  By the way, this one is not just for women. Some men will fall out of this category,
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  and that is more common for older men.
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  Each of these ideas addresses a common roadblock to sex. If you're both okay
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  with an idea, it can help you build a better sex life.
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  Talk through them. If one doesn't work for you, why? Could you modify it to make it work?
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  And what other ideas, such as these, might work for you? This is Paul,
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  and doing sex well is a process.