Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / How Avoidants React When They Lose Someone Who Really Loved Them

Transcript

How Avoidants React When They Lose Someone Who Really Loved Them · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:08
  Have you ever loved someone who pushed you away, only to wonder
• 0:12
  if they ever regretted it? Avoidant partners often seem
• 0:17
  unfazed after a breakup, but beneath that calm exterior,
• 0:23
  there's a storm of emotion that they rarely show.
• 0:27
  Their feelings are hidden beneath confusion, pride, and
• 0:32
  emotional paralysis. In this video, I'm going to
• 0:36
  discuss how avoidance react when they lose someone who truly love
• 0:41
  them. Do they regret it?
• 0:44
  Do they come back or do they shut down even more?
• 0:48
  Well, stay tuned and you'll find out.
• 0:51
  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
• 0:54
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:57
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 1:00
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
• 1:03
  Have you been a good little soldier?
• 1:05
  If you have, then you have downloaded my app Silencio to
• 1:09
  help you stay in no contact and the link to that is underneath
• 1:12
  every single video and podcast. And if you 2 would like to join
• 1:16
  our no Contact Army, just hit the subscribe button and you can
• 1:19
  read our manual at nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:23
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:28
  OK, so at first after a breakup, avoidance feel a sense of
• 1:34
  freedom. Their reaction is denial.
• 1:38
  They convince themselves that they needed the space anyway,
• 1:43
  that losing you was necessary. No more expectations, no
• 1:48
  vulnerability, no risk of being smothered.
• 1:52
  Avoidance are masters of disconnecting from their
• 1:56
  emotions. They value independence and
• 1:59
  self-sufficiency more than anything.
• 2:02
  So when a relationship ends, even if it's a good one, their
• 2:07
  initial response is usually well now I don't have to deal with
• 2:11
  the pressure of intimacy. So they fill the silence by
• 2:16
  distracting themselves with work, hobbies, or new flings.
• 2:21
  Yeah, I know you don't want to hear that.
• 2:23
  Rationalizing the breakup. Well, we weren't right for each
• 2:27
  other anyway. Feeling a sense of regained
• 2:31
  control. Telling themselves, and
• 2:35
  sometimes you, that they're better off alone.
• 2:39
  Do you think you're better off alone?
• 2:42
  What's the name of that song? And if you do reach out, they'll
• 2:47
  act indifferent or even cold. But this isn't happiness.
• 2:51
  It's avoidance. Their brain is protecting them
• 2:56
  from pain by numbing their emotions.
• 2:59
  For now. Now, contrary to what most
• 3:04
  people think, avoidance aren't heartless.
• 3:08
  They're just wired to equate closeness with danger.
• 3:13
  So when their relationship ends, their nervous system literally
• 3:18
  interprets it as survival. Avoidance are masters of
• 3:23
  emotional repression. But feelings have a way of
• 3:28
  surfacing. Deep down, something begins to
• 3:32
  stir. Losing the right person isn't
• 3:35
  the same as losing just anyone. So it may take weeks, months,
• 3:42
  and yes, even years before they realize what they lost.
• 3:48
  Oh, I actually miss that person. Maybe they see something that
• 3:53
  reminds them of you, or they realize no one else tolerated
• 3:57
  their emotional distance the way you did.
• 4:02
  It may not be enough to reach out, but enough to cause them
• 4:06
  discomfort. They may even try to recreate
• 4:10
  the connection with someone you only to realize that what they
• 4:15
  had can't be duplicated and that's when it hits them.
• 4:20
  Didn't didn't just lose someone, they lost someone rare.
• 4:27
  This is when avoidance often start romanticizing the past.
• 4:31
  They remember how you were patient with them, how you put
• 4:35
  up with their walls until they slowly start to let you in, how
• 4:40
  you hung in there. Even when they give you
• 4:43
  1,000,000 reasons to walk away, that's when it hits them.
• 4:48
  They fumble someone who truly love them.
• 4:54
  So why does this happen? Several reasons.
• 4:59
  First, there's safety in distance avoidance process.
• 5:03
  Emotions better when there's no immediate threat of
• 5:05
  vulnerability. Once their relationship is truly
• 5:09
  over, they may finally allow themselves to feel.
• 5:15
  Or when they see their ex moving on or recognize how supportive
• 5:22
  you were, Regret can keep in, creep in.
• 5:26
  That's why if you're dealing with an avoidant, you shouldn't
• 5:30
  be afraid to show that you're moving on or dating someone new.
• 5:33
  And people are often reluctant to do that.
• 5:36
  And in fact, I have a video about that and I will post the
• 5:41
  link in the right hand corner on YouTube.
• 5:45
  And there's also fear of never finding it again.
• 5:49
  Avoidance often believe that they're fine on their own until
• 5:54
  they realize that deep connection is rare.
• 5:58
  But here's the catch. Even if they miss you, they may
• 6:03
  not reach out. I know you don't want to hear
• 6:06
  that either. Why is that?
• 6:09
  Well, because reaching out means being vulnerable.
• 6:14
  It requires them to say I was wrong.
• 6:17
  I miss you. And for someone who has always
• 6:21
  run away from emotional honesty, that level of vulnerability is
• 6:27
  scary. Their fear of rejection or re
• 6:32
  engaging in intimacy often overrides their desire to
• 6:37
  reconnect. So it's easier to miss you
• 6:40
  quietly than to risk rejection. And so instead, they'll stalk
• 6:48
  your social media, but never like anything, casually ask
• 6:54
  mutual friends about you, compare new partners to you,
• 7:00
  wonder if you'd even take them back.
• 7:04
  They're grieving, but they'll do everything to hide it, even from
• 7:09
  themselves. Avoidance are not emotionless.
• 7:14
  They're emotionally avoidant, but unless they've done serious
• 7:20
  self work, their fear of repeating the same cycle will
• 7:25
  keep them stuck. Now do avoidance ever come back?
• 7:31
  That is the $1,000,000 question, isn't it?
• 7:34
  And the answer is sometimes avoidance can return, but only
• 7:41
  if they've had time to reflect and work on their attachment
• 7:46
  style. So unless they've done serious
• 7:50
  self work, their fear is going to keep them stuck.
• 7:53
  And for many avoidance, the loss of a meaningful connection is
• 7:58
  their emotional wake up call. They may return if they feel 0
• 8:04
  pressure from you, which is why no contact is so important.
• 8:10
  They need to be the ones to initiate reconnection because
• 8:14
  they need to feel in control and they'll usually send a hey how
• 8:19
  are you text or hey been thinking of you or they'll like
• 8:26
  an old post. They rarely lead with
• 8:30
  vulnerability. Instead they test the waters to
• 8:33
  see if you're still interested. That being said, many avoidance
• 8:40
  don't come back, not because they didn't care, but because
• 8:45
  facing their emotions is too overwhelming.
• 8:47
  It feels more painful than losing you, as crazy as that may
• 8:52
  sound. Many would rather stay in pain
• 8:56
  than risk the emotional vulnerability of reconnecting.
• 9:01
  So instead, they may idealize you from afar, Keep tabs on you
• 9:06
  subtly, social media, mutual friends, compare new partners to
• 9:10
  you, but never take action. So what should you do if you're
• 9:16
  the one they lost? Well, don't wait for them.
• 9:22
  Live your life. Avoidance, respect, independence
• 9:26
  and your growth. Might even spark their interest
• 9:29
  later. And understand it's not about
• 9:33
  you. I know it feels like it is, but
• 9:35
  it's not. Their distance is about their
• 9:37
  fears, not your worth. How people treat you speaks to
• 9:41
  you, speaks to who they are, not who you are.
• 9:46
  Usually people's actions have little to do with you and more
• 9:50
  to do with them and their attachment style and unhealed
• 9:54
  trauma. And as I said, for some
• 9:57
  avoidance, losing the right person is the turning point, the
• 10:01
  moment that forces them to confront the fear that's ruined
• 10:05
  their relationships for years. However, you have to set
• 10:11
  boundaries. If they return, if they come
• 10:14
  back, ensure that they're willing to meet you halfway and
• 10:19
  they're not just popping by when they feel lonely.
• 10:22
  They need to work on their attachment style, and that
• 10:25
  should be a prerequisite for taking them back.
• 10:30
  So understand that avoidance grieve differently.
• 10:34
  They might not chase. They might not cry and they
• 10:38
  might never admit they made a mistake, but that doesn't mean
• 10:42
  the love wasn't real. It just means their fear was
• 10:47
  stronger. Avoidance often learn the
• 10:52
  hardest lessons through loss. They had someone who loved them,
• 10:56
  but they chose distance over depth.
• 11:00
  That type of loss does not go away.
• 11:03
  It lingers if you love them. You've left a mark that no
• 11:10
  silence can erase. Your presence mattered more than
• 11:14
  their reaction will ever show. So cheer up.
• 11:19
  So now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
• 11:23
  contact and how is it going? And if you would like my help to
• 11:28
  get your avoidant X or any X back, you can contact me at the
• 11:32
  Arts of love.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 11:36
  They are not on the website and the link to that is underneath
• 11:39
  every single video and podcast. If you found this video helpful,
• 11:43
  just hit the subscribe button so you don't miss any future
• 11:46
  videos. If you're listening to this as a
• 11:48
  podcast and you would like to help the show, then just
• 11:53
  download it. And finally, remember, love
• 11:55
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.