Latest / All The Light She Found / Who Knows the Unedited Version of You?
Transcript
- kelly: Well, hello friends. Thank you for joining me. I'm so glad you're here with me today on our podcast. I'm Kelly McGurk, your host, and this is all the light she found. Well, friends, this week has been it's been one of those times where you really reflect on who your people are and how do I Personally show up for people when they really need it. So it's kind of been on my mind so much. I've been thinking about what it means to really show up for somebody. And not Instagram showing up, not sending a heart under somebody's post. I mean, like, who actually knows the unedited version of my life? And who knows the unedited version of your life? Like, who do you share what's really happening? Not what you're comfortable with posting and not what you might say at a dinner party and not that no, I'm good, we're good, everything's fine, but like who actually knows you, you know? Cause I'm starting to wonder if one of the strangest things happening to us right now is that we've never had more ways to stay connected and somehow we're becoming less connected. We're not imagining this. Like I started doing some research on this because I just keep noticing this like in my practice and in my life. And so anyway, AARP, excuse, the age related article, but it surveyed over 3,500 Americans and found that people over 45 40% reported feeling lonely. In 2018, in this same survey, it was 35%. And this isn't a women's issue. 42% of men reported loneliness compared to 30% of women, 37% of women. But you know what kind of stopped me, you guys, is there in this article, it said 42% of Americans had people into their homes at least monthly in 1975. And today, 12%. I just started thinking about how interesting that was because my family, my parents, they always had people over. Going to your friends' houses and hanging out for a whole evening, playing cards, or going on a Sunday afternoon and just, you know, hanging out and laughing with people. That was just our life. Like my parents were extremely social. And having people over and going to other people's houses was a huge part of our life and their life. And when I found that 12% today reported having people over once a month, I was like, wow. I don't think that that's the answer to loneliness by any way, but like, interesting. Interesting that something happened. Like, people don't drop by anymore. As a matter of fact, most of us don't like a drop by, right? And they stopped sitting around kitchen tables and we stopped knowing our neighbors. And I think about this. We started needing three weeks notice and a calendar invite to see a friend. Like, and you kind of feel like your house has to be perfect and your dinner has to be good and everybody's so busy and we're so exhausted. And Netflix doesn't require regular clothes or buttons or zippers, right? So I think little by little, without deciding to, we have built lives that require less and less of one another. But being around people isn't the same as being known. And this is kind of what I was pondering this week. I think a lot of people are married and lonely. And I think you can have kids and be lonely. And you can have 12 people on a constant group chat and be lonely. I think we can even be people that play pickleball or go to church or have dinner with friends or sleep beside someone every night and still feel. profoundly unknown. Because loneliness isn't always I don't have anyone. As a matter of fact, I don't think that's it at all. Sometimes it's nobody knows what's really happening with me. And I think that is so true. I brought this up in my episode last week about running into this friend of mine and, you know, just being like she hasn't seen me since, you know, my husband died and she was going through something. And, you know, it just that happened. And then last week a very loved friend of mine had a very big life event that's been so difficult. And I just think when I started thinking about just how I show up for people and how I want to show up for people and maybe where I drop the ball. And it's not, I don't drop the ball when they're in crisis. That's not what I mean. I mean, like, do you ever like you're driving in your car and you're like, my gosh, I have not reached out to so and so in months. Like, what is wrong with me? Or Holy cow, like I haven't even called my cousin. Or, you know, like just things like where you're like, How is it October fifth? Like it was July last week and wait, who haven't I had contact with? Sometimes it's nobody knows what's really happening with me. And the research on midlife women found exactly that distinction. Major life transitions, relationship changes, illness, caregiving, relocation, menopause, grief. It can leave people feeling invisible and unsupported. Even when other people they loved were technically present. Now, that particular study was women, but I would say that study happened to look at women, but I don't think feeling invisible belongs to women. I think that's a very human experience. And I think that men need to be a part of this conversation as well, because this could be something that, Would really benefit men too. How do they show up for each other? I think sometimes women have at least been given permission to say, I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm struggling, I need somebody. And sometimes we don't even do it that well. But I wonder how many men have never ever been given the language or the permission to share that weakness. 42% reported loneliness in men. Like when you think about it, who does a 52-year-old man call when his marriage feels like it's falling apart? Who does he talk to when he's terrified about money? Who actually does he tell when he's scared about getting older? Or when he feels like maybe he's failing? Who is his I need you person? Like you might say, his spouse, but like maybe he doesn't even want her to know that. Or h or your significant other. And I think this is hitting me so differently this week because of the person I love going through something so hard. And I am not going to share any of that, but I want to talk about like sometimes the helplessness that you can feel, because I think sometimes there are moments when loving somebody means accepting that we can't make their situation better. Right? You can't solve it, you can't say the perfect thing. And sometimes when we feel that. People can back away in pain because their pain makes us uncomfortable. Now, obviously, the benefit of being besties with a therapist is pain doesn't make me uncomfortable. But a lot of people, it really does. And that's not strange. That's normal. Maybe you don't know what to say. Maybe you think you might make it worse. You don't want to intrude. so we say things like, let me know if you need anything, because that feels like something that's supportive and it kind of takes you off the hook. But then we disappear sometimes, right? So maybe showing up isn't knowing what to say. Maybe showing up is being willing to stay when there is nothing to say. I'm gonna say that again because I think it's really important for people that. Maybe struggle with how to show up for their people. Maybe showing up isn't knowing the right thing to say or the perfect thing to stay, but showing up can be willing to stay when there is nothing perfect to say, when you can't fix it, when there is nothing for you to do. You're just there and you're present. What does showing up actually look like? I mean, if you're wondering, you keep talking about showing up, what is that? Well, let me tell you. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, friends. It can be, I'm bringing dinner over, you don't need to entertain me, or I'm dropping dinner off and it's in your fridge. I can tell you that when I was going through some really hard things, my friends did that. They packaged up meals with sticky notes on it to tell me how to cook it. how long it's gonna last with an expire date on it. And it was in my fridge and I didn't even have to be there when they delivered it. Maybe I'm coming over and I'm gonna help you clean while you just sit there and stare at the wall. You know? I just sometimes think that if you just sit on someone's couch and be quiet, that's intimacy, right? that's not fixing. Sometimes people just need a witness to their pain. They don't need you to say the right thing. They don't want you to say the right thing. They just need a witness to their pain. So I've been talking about showing up for other people, but now I want to ask you something a little bit harder. Who gets the unedited version of you? Like if you think about it, you guys, who knows what you're really afraid of? Who knows the thing that maybe you're embarrassed to admit? Who knows what's really happening in your relationship? Who knows sometimes you're in a room full of people and you still feel lonely. Who knows that thing that everybody thinks you're handling beautifully is really kicking your ass right now. Who knows that you're happier that you've been in years and somehow that feels scary too. Who knows the dream that you might have that you're afraid to say out loud because you don't want them to crush that? Because sometimes you guys we're walking around saying nobody really knows me while at the same time making damn sure nobody really can. That's the truth. If you're honest with yourself, the parts of us that feel unseen and lonely are also typically the parts of us that are super vulnerable. Maybe it's that piece that says, if they knew this, they wouldn't like me. Or if I risk this, I'm gonna get hurt. Being known. Requires risk. You can't be deeply known without revealing something. And you guys, somebody has to go first. Someone has to send the text. Someone has to make the invitation. Someone has to say out loud, actually, I'm not doing that great. Or this is so embarrassing, but I feel lonely. Or even I really like you and I want to be better friends and I want to spend more time connecting. Cause sometimes you guys, my gosh, adult friendship can be a little awkward. Nobody talks about this. Dating gets all the credit for vulnerability, but making friends in our 40s and 50s can feel like asking somebody to prom. I mean, for real. Have you ever like, when's the last time you asked somebody new to go hang out with you? It is kind of a weird feeling. Like, should I text? Did they actually like me? Am I overstepping? They probably already have a lot of friends and they don't need any more. I don't want to seem needy. We're freaking 40 and 50, and apparently we're still in seventh grade when it comes to making new friends. Like honestly. And what if you don't have your people? Here's the thing. If you're listening to this thinking, Kelly, that's great, but I don't have that person. I want you to be the one that hears me right now. There is nothing wrong with being in a season where your relationships don't look the way you want them to. Good gosh, I've experienced life rearranges people. You guys, divorce rearranges people, sobriety rearranges people, grief rearranges people, moving, retirement. Kids growing up. Changing rearranges people. Sometimes, you guys, you outgrow the life where your friendships made sense. And that's really hard. That's a painful season, but it's not permanent. And maybe your assignment isn't find your best friend. Maybe it's create one inch more of connection. Talk to your neighbor when you see them outside taking the trash out. Invite someone that you kind of enjoy out for coffee. Join something. Text the person you've been thinking about and you like, well, I don't want to bother them. Tell one person one thing that's actually true that's maybe kind of hard for you right now. The research that AARP put out, here's the thing, shrinking social networks are strongly associated with loneliness. While, on the other hand, kids, volunteering, community participation, and other forms of engagement, they've also declined. Remember when episode one came out and I said it's small movements but consistent? Connection is built in tiny repetitions, not grand declarations. I want to say one more thing about the study. The 2026 study on midlife women specifically asked about podcasts as a tool for loneliness. And participants describe podcasts as potentially providing connection, validation, and education, particularly through conversational storytelling that helps normalize what the heck we're going through. Okay. Remember when I said sometimes you just want to be seen. Like you just want to know, wait, I'm not the only person going through this. I want to say that since I've started this podcast, I've gotten so many hundreds, hundreds of reach outs through DMs and texts. it just is so interesting. People that I haven't heard of in 25, 30 years, they're telling me they're listening. And they're making kind of some small changes because it made them look at their life a little bit differently or that opened their eyes just a little. And maybe that's why we're here together every week. My podcast obviously does not replace a human relationship, but sometimes hearing another person tell the truth makes it a little easier to tell our own. So I'm going to leave you with two questions this week. I'm going to go back to the first one. Who knows the unedited version of you? And whose unedited version are you willing to hear? Because maybe connection isn't something we either have or don't have. Maybe it's something that we practice. Maybe it's a small invitation, a phone call, an uncomfortable truth, sitting beside someone whose pain you can't fix, saying, I miss you, saying I need you. Maybe you even say, tell me what's really going on, and being brave enough to stay focused for the answer and present. Friends, where did you find a little light this week? And where can you share a little of it with somebody else? I'm Kelly, and this is all the light she found.