Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Partner's Happiness Makes You Uncomfortable

Transcript

When Your Partner's Happiness Makes You Uncomfortable · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom show, today, we're going to talk about when your
0:10
spouse is happiness. Makes you uncomfortable and why
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this would happen. It sounds like a real shitty
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kind of thing that people wouldn't want to admit and so
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they don't want to recognize it in themselves but it's perfectly
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explainable. If you had a difficult childhood
0:25
and attachment issues as we will discuss, but before that, please
0:29
do subscribe, my most recent subscriber episode was on what
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the hell, you should even expect from therapy.
0:35
P. And whether your emotions,
0:37
rather, your expectations, Concord with anything that a
0:40
human being could provide to you as a therapist and or whether
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your emotions are actually too low.
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Did I say emotions again, expectations.
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So it's about expectations not emotions.
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Those are both words that start with a so I guess I'm confusing
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that. So anyhow, let's move on to the
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topic at hand. So many people do not want to go
1:02
over and give their spouse a hug or a kiss.
1:05
Or conversely do chores, you know?
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So women don't want to go over and give their husband a hug or
1:11
a kiss or men, don't want to do chores or do whatever fucking
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gentle parenting. She wants you to do or whatever.
1:17
The, you know, flavor of the week is of the things she wants
1:20
from you, or the flavor of the week of the thing that your
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husband wants in bed. So, obviously people have many
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wants and when you find yourself like implicitly avoiding doing
1:32
the thing that your partner wants.
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Sometimes it's because you don't I want to see them happy and
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like that sounds kind of shitty but it's true.
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So why would you not want to see your partner happy?
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So for a lot of people seeing their partner, happy is a lot of
1:48
pressure and it's very uncomfortable and it's very
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intimate. And if you were raised to avoid
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Anne Askew, positive, emotions because your parents were
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depressive or addicted, or traumatized or anxious.
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You frequently were raised in the type of Atmosphere where you
2:06
felt like the other shoe is gonna drop whenever anything
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positive happens. And if you feel this way then
2:14
whenever somebody is Happy, it means that something bad could
2:17
happen. So, if you go over and you give
2:19
your husband a kiss, who's he's been begging for you to kiss him
2:22
more and be more touchy-feely and whatever you go over and
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give him a kiss. It's like, you feel like his
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happiness is dangerous? Because that's what you were
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always taught is like, don't get too comfortable, don't Be too
2:35
happy always watch out the next thing that could happen always
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you know like don't get too comfortable, you know watch out.
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People are going to hurt you. The world sucks like the
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depressive cognitive Triad, right?
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The negative thoughts about self world and future if your parents
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or depressive, you know, and especially if they deal with any
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sort of Personality Disorder like narcissism or borderline,
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they're always thinking that people are out to get them, you
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know. Then you're raised to think that
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like don't get too happy. Because any bad things could
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happen at any time. So when a partner is too happy,
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you you kind of look at them, like kind of an idiot like like,
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they're, they're like rolling over and showing their weak
3:17
underbelly. What kind of idiot would do
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that, you know? And it makes you feel like
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uncomfortable, like embarrassed on their behalf because you were
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always shamed as a child for having emotions or being too
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happy or anything. And I specifically have a
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podcast about this. It's like, when your children's
3:33
positive emotions make you Comfortable or overwhelm, you or
3:37
something like that, but it has kids positive emotions in it if
3:40
you want. The Spotify, search engine
3:42
improved dramatically. Now, there is a Spotify search
3:45
engine. So if you just go to the doctor,
3:47
psych, mom, show in Spotify, you can type in these keywords makes
3:50
my life a lot easier, because I previously also didn't have any
3:53
way to find them and there's hundreds of episodes.
3:56
So, you know, but you can now use that.
3:59
So, kids, positive emotions, I think it's when your kids
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positive emotions, trigger you. And if you if this resonates
4:05
With you should definitely listen to that.
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And people are far worse, behaved with their spouses than
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their kids, because they're trying harder with their kids
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because that's just fucking Evolution.
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You know, you want your kids to grow up and be healthier than
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you, but your spouse is already, you know, is what he or she is.
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So anyway, if you were raised in this kind of environment where
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any sort of Happiness was either, you know, it meant that
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you were an idiot or you were naive or you're setting yourself
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up for disappointment or failure.
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Then seeing a Partner be happy. Like the way that your wife
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would be happy if you organize the garage or that your husband
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would be happy if you came over and gave him a hug or kids, that
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makes you feel that this person is kind of a vulnerable idiot.
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It makes you uncomfortable on their behalf.
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You feel anxiety. Also that you're going to have
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to like replicate this and that their expectations for you are
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now changed. That's a big one.
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Particularly with anxious people and people who again, have had
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insecure attachments at caregivers.
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So you feel like, If you do something good, now the rules
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have changed. And now the pressure on you is
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going to be too much, and you'll never be able to replicate this.
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And then it'll be even worse. Your spouse will be more
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disappointed on the regular because you were not able to
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keep this going. So you could see why there's a
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lot built into it. Then you would not really want
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them to be happy. Now, what's another reason you
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could be? So unhappy yourself, because you
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think only of the marriage, it's never only the marriage, who
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would usually your marriage plus Who You Are?
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Being a depressive kind of person plus the marriage, right
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means that you begrudge them, their happiness, because you
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don't feel happy. So when they feel happy, you
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don't feel happy. So why would you want to make
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them happy if you can't feel happy?
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And again, this is being raised in a very US versus them, you
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know, Zero Sum game environment, where one person's win has to be
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the other person's loss. And I frequently talk about
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victim perpetrator, worldviews and, you know, my story with the
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bank, I went to the bank and they Told me, they weren't going
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to give me change for my Tans and I said, you tell them that a
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juror that I want to speak to him.
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And then I got my fives, God damn it.
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All these people always out to get me.
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Well, if you were raised like that, then yeah, when your
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husband's happy and be, you feel implicitly, like you something
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was taken from you. There's happiness on the offer,
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like a ball being passed around one person holds the ball and
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the other person doesn't have the ball.
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Well if the ball is happiness, if he hasn't you lost, Lost it.
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So these are the kind of women that say, I feel like you're
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taking something from me with sex.
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I mean, within the context of the demand is not, you know,
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assaulting them, right? And that the man is trying to be
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a good lover, and is trying to give them an orgasm, trying to
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be attentive and loving in the sense that the man is like,
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pushing you up against a wall and just, you know, putting his
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dick in you then yeah, sure he's taken something from you like
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self-respect, and get out of that relationship immediately.
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But I'm talking about a situation where the man is
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trying all these different Things to make you happy but his
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punishment is the reason you don't like it is because he gets
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happy and if he gets happy then you can't be happy because he
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took your happy and this is always associated with a very
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negative childhood and the sort of place where there was a lot
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of us against them. There was a lot of overt sibling
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favoritism, there was fighting among the parents fighting among
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the kids, very difficult survivalist, sort of atmosphere.
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And so then you learn, if one person's happy, the other person
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can't be happy. P.
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So he took my happy and this is the same with men.
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So the man thinks if she's happy about this garage that I cleaned
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up, it, makes it worse, it's worse for him than if she wasn't
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happy, if she wasn't happy with his job, then he would be right
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in his comfort zone. He'd be like I can't do anything
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right for her. She's always gonna complain, no
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matter what I do, and he's like happy saying it's like a pig in
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shit. I see it in the in my sessions,
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you know, somebody people are so thrilled to have their biases
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about the world confirmed, you know, it's very comfortable.
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Well, there's no cognitive dissonance at all you say?
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Yeah, I knew if I cleaned the garage, this bitch wouldn't be
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happy with me still, right? And if she's not, then shit you
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were smart, and you were right. And you're a victim and all
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these things. Make a lot of sense.
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Given your family were all those things were what you learn was
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part of being a person in relationships, feeling
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victimized, you know, predicting bad things would happen that
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that happened. Of course, you know, if you
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predict 8, make it much more likely, but you don't see that
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part, Etc. So, you know, so like I said,
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just as an aside, I'd the way that people engage in.
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Those self-fulfilling prophecies is as follows the guy.
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Does the basement organizes the garage and he says to his wife,
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well, you're probably not going to like it anyway because I
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couldn't do that stupid thing. You wanted with the shelves
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already, he should all over what he did.
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He made it obvious that he didn't go out of his way and
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that he also thinks she's stupid.
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So then she's going to go in and be like, yeah, well, you know
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what? It doesn't really look much
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different to me, and then he's going to be ha, ha nothing makes
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you happy, right? And this happens with sex with
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women, right? With with And then when the
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woman is the lower libido partner, she will lay down like
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she's preparing for a root canal and she will like basically be
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like completely silent. She will have nothing even
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resembling an orgasm and then when he's not happy with her
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she'll be like I told you more sex.
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Would it make you happy? Would you like has nothing to do
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with reality? Like, you know, so if good sex
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would make him happy, right? And of course, it's not like
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he's any Paragon of mental health nor is the woman in the
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garage incident because these people married the Depressive -
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person. So likely they perceive the
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world in a similar way various against them also.
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So either way there's no you no winners here.
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Everybody is struggling with in the aftermath of a difficult
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childhood, which allows people to rather, which prevents people
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from fully self-actualizing in their relationships and allowing
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themselves and a partner to be vulnerable and even being
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attracted to somebody who would be authentic and vulnerable with
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emotions which would make you First of all right, so if a
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partner's happiness makes you uncomfortable and and so,
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sometimes the women say it, like this, I can't kiss them because
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he makes everything into sex. I listen, I got a post about
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that. If you really have some person
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with you that you are married to that, you make out with him and
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he says, well, now we have to have sex because I'm hard to go
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into the room. We have to have sex right now.
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That's not fair. Then that's crazy.
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Obviously, get into couples counseling, immediately the
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couple's counselor can share with him.
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This is not a way to behave, of course, she doesn't want to, To
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touch you. Then you're going to make a
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woman who never ever wants to kiss you ever, of course, within
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this. This does not apply if the woman
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literally will only make out with you and never had sex,
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right? So that would be crazy on the
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other, but it's but a lot of these women when they say, oh,
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he just always wants more sometimes what they mean is he
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wants more like he wants us to then hug and kiss regularly.
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Not like he's say like if we hug and kiss immediately like, you
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know, you have to bend over not saying that he's saying like oh
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if You can kiss, I like it. So I like to keep doing it.
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I want the kids to be like, you know, 20 seconds sometimes
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instead of the one second. You give me.
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That's pretty normal, right? But in her mind, this is him
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always wanting more which is the ultimate grievance because she
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was raised that people who want more are stupid and selfish
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don't understand the way the world works or week are going to
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get disappointed, etc. Etc, etc.
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The worst the Childhood was, the more abuse or neglect that the
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person had. Then the more scared, they are
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of happiness in themselves or in a partner also, the more likely
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they are to be depressed. This is a known quantity that
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childhood a bad childhood. And anyway, it's going to
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increase your rates of any mental issue later on, you know,
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so they're feeling very unhappy themselves, so it's not very
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comfortable to see somebody be happy when you're so unhappy,
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you know? I mean it, you're jealous,
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you're really jealous of their To be happy.
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And then if you can't think of any way that they could make you
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equivalently happy possibly, because you can't be happy
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because you're depressed. So right now you can't you feel
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that you cannot be happy or because they don't know how to
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do the equivalent thing for you. Such as you know, and there may
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be no equivalent thing. So sometimes women are like,
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yeah, I can make him happy with like a blowjob but like he could
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make me happy by being emotionally present but he
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doesn't know how to be, emotionally present and, and I
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don't know how to tell him and so, So basically, I'm not gonna
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do anything for him in bed because he doesn't know how to
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do this for me. Well, that's obviously not fair.
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And how the hell could he be emotionally present in such a
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scenario? And you probably picked a man
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who can't be emotionally present because emotionally present with
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terrify you given that nobody was emotionally in present with
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you growing up. So these are the sort of
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situations when you're terrified or you know, upset or disgusted
13:01
or turned off and this is another one to listen.
13:05
Is when women are scared or disgusted by male desire, that's
13:08
another podcast to Listen to If this resonates with you, because
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it's like very similar, if you are in this situation and this
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stuff that I'm saying makes sense to you and it on some
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level makes you uncomfortable because you have felt this way.
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Like, fuck this person for being happy.
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I'm not going to let them be happy because I'm so unhappy and
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or because it kind of like twist my stomach.
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I want to avert my eyes from them being happy.
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Then, you know, that is truly something that you need to
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explore on a deep level. Level if only because some of
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its going to go over to your children to, they're definitely
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going to see the dynamic where Mommy and Daddy hate making each
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other happy or at least Mommy hates making daddy happier,
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daddy hates making Mommy happy. Then that's the only Dynamic
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that they know, and they'll go into the same thing but also,
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you're probably not as good as you think with hiding
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ambivalence at best about the children's positive emotions
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such that, you know, you try to make them happy with one hand.
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But on the other hand, you're kind of doing a little version
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of what you had growing up which is who you're trying to limit
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their Our expectations, you get angry at them for being
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ungrateful or not appreciative enough or, you know, things like
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that. Where there's a lot of
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ambivalence and conflict surrounding, anybody being
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really happy and on some level. You truly, think of such people,
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as, you know, not not very smart or not very adaptive or, or
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immature or foolish or or any of these things.
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And you know, this is something to truly explore, an individual
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therapy. And if you could work through
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it, then you're going to get into a better marriage overall.
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Because if you're not scared of making your partner happier,
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you're not turned off by it, then you are going to try to do
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it and then they're going to try to do it right back to you.
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So there really are no situations where it's just one
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person who, you know, is terrible, you know, mixed with
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one person who's wonderful and in these situations it's funny
14:59
because He's the one who refuses to make the other one.
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Happy frequently thinks of themselves as the victim.
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They think that they do this because of long-standing
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resentments and Pathak ruptures, etc, etc.
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That's only half the story. Now, sometimes not even half the
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story. Like your your childhood was
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like a like a 20 year internship in misery for a lot of people
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and then like by the time your partner came on the scene you
15:24
were trained. You were like expert-level
15:27
miserable and the in the honey. In stage this receded, also you
15:32
had biological imperative to make a family, right?
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So between the drunk in love feeling of the honeymoon stage
15:38
on the biological imperative to mate than procreate frequently.
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You seen Les Miserable, you know, and you genuinely felt
15:45
less miserable truly and you felt that this would fix
15:47
everything you're going to get married.
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Have kids. Now, fuck your parents.
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Fuck your upbringing, everything's going to be good
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but does not like that. It comes back.
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It comes right back if you never deal with it like whack-a-mole
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if you have a miserable childhood Dude, you are a real
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risk of being a miserable adult, and that's all of us who had
16:04
miserable childhoods, right? So a lot of therapy is focused
16:08
on explicating and bringing out into the light.
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You know, these patterns that you may want to push it under
16:13
the rug say, I'm nothing like my parents.
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Well, you know who's nothing? Like their parents really?
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Really nobody. Nobody's nothing like their
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parents. You know, you could see it in
16:22
your own kids so people are more or less like one or the other,
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but there's nobody that was not impacted by seeing interactions
16:29
between Parents personality types and genetically.
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You're like that. Most of the time lets you were
16:34
adopted, right? And even then, right, you were
16:37
raised by them. So then there's a lot of nurture
16:39
going on. So anyway, hopefully, anybody
16:43
found this interesting to explain.
16:46
Maybe a discomfort level that you haven't really been
16:49
comfortable exploring previously, and you've been
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attributing to other things because again, it sounds so
16:54
terrible to say, well, honestly, it's they're too damn happy
16:58
about it. When I do something, they Want.
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And and these are some of the reasons why and what you should
17:04
do, which to be totally clear, is going to therapy and talk
17:07
about it. Think about it, introspect about
17:10
it. Try new ways of being try
17:12
incrementally, new interactional patterns that then you could see
17:16
go differently. And if you really will not go
17:20
into individual therapy because you, you are tied to the idea
17:23
that it's all your partner and going to couples therapy if you
17:26
bond with your couples therapist and they do validate.
17:30
Some of your partner's flaws. Then sometimes you're open to
17:33
hearing feedback that you yourself, could pursue
17:35
individual therapy, or, or you could work on things, just in
17:38
the couple's fear, but really individual, expedites couples
17:42
couples can expedite individual, but it's not the same way.
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I mean, an individual. There's no other person, they're
17:48
arguing with you, you know. So like it goes a lot quicker.
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All right. Anyway, I hope you guys found
17:53
this useful and I'll talk to you all soon.