Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Sex Is Not About Sex

Transcript

Sex Is Not About Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about why sex is
• 0:11
  not all about sex and not only about sex and kind of doesn't
• 0:15
  really have anything to do with sex.
• 0:16
  And if you are confused, then you need to listen for.
• 0:19
  That isn't phrase, you need to come forth and listen hark at
• 0:24
  listen or whatever. Before we get to that, please do
• 0:28
  subscribe. Most recent is on, why not to
• 0:31
  marry somebody who idealizes you?
• 0:32
  The next one will be on whatever the hell I did.
• 0:35
  At that moment and let's just Dive Right In.
• 0:40
  So what we're talking about here is when women say that like it's
• 0:47
  all about sex for men, I really had a great podcast in my own
• 0:50
  estimation about this about like why it's like insane to say that
• 0:55
  it's all about sex to your husband who has like, children
• 0:59
  with you and a house with you at vacations with you and deals
• 1:02
  with your mom and like all this other Ooh, shit.
• 1:06
  But we can just kind of you can go back and listen to that one.
• 1:10
  And but moving forward, I got the most hits highest views or
• 1:17
  whatever on a tick. Tock that I recently did, which
• 1:20
  said that? And you should be following me
• 1:22
  on, take talk, by the way. So you should be follow me on
• 1:24
  Tick Tock because that's where you get a lot of the initial
• 1:28
  ideas of things that are later going to be coming out on
• 1:30
  podcast. So whenever I have an idea, I'll
• 1:33
  do it on Tick Tock or something on my social.
• 1:35
  What you should be following and if you ever want to meet with me
• 1:38
  individually, you know that you could just follow the links by
• 1:41
  the way in the descriptions. If you ever want coaching or
• 1:45
  therapy or if you don't want therapy with me, there's plenty
• 1:48
  of people that I work for me, that you can have therapy with
• 1:51
  two or you could be with me individually.
• 1:53
  There's just so many options for other ways to engage with me, so
• 1:59
  anywho, so The Tick-Tock that I'm talking about said that sex
• 2:03
  is about intimacy. Like, You can't call yourself a
• 2:06
  loving wife, if you never hug or kiss your husband, like, think
• 2:10
  about it. There's like these women that
• 2:12
  are like, oh yeah, I'm totally loving.
• 2:13
  I just don't like sex. I'm not into sex.
• 2:16
  I had gone through menopause or I, you know, nursing, well, if
• 2:22
  you're nursing you don't have to act loving.
• 2:23
  I mean, I give you a pass. If you're up all night and all
• 2:27
  day and your body is being used as food, then, you know, and he
• 2:30
  can't wait the couple of months or whatever till you're done, or
• 2:33
  the year until you're done. For any sex, like, I'm not in
• 2:37
  the same, but like, if your husband is also wanting, like
• 2:39
  your full attention, while you have a baby under a year old,
• 2:43
  he's got some shit to work on. So like 100% go back to my post.
• 2:47
  I have something about why it's totally normal to not want your
• 2:50
  husband to touch your boobs when you're breastfeeding.
• 2:52
  Not least of which because if you squirt out milk but whatever
• 2:56
  this is an aside. But if it's like that, your sex
• 2:59
  drive is going down because you're in perimenopause and
• 3:01
  menopause or you're in your 40s, you're older, you're depressed.
• 3:05
  Whatever, whatever plenty of women are like my sex drive is
• 3:08
  down, but I'm Still Loving. I'm still a loving wife, but I
• 3:12
  don't give hugs. I don't give kisses, I don't cut
• 3:15
  off, I don't ever touch. And I sure shrink away from even
• 3:20
  holding hands or back, rub or like anything, anything, like he
• 3:25
  doesn't see me make it nothing but I'm Still Loving how, like
• 3:30
  how, like sex is not about penis and vagina intercourse.
• 3:35
  Like you've been doing that with your husband for so long.
• 3:37
  You think he still thinks it's that amazing.
• 3:40
  He does it. It's the same shit habituation
• 3:42
  happens, for men and women, but why he still gunning for it?
• 3:47
  So hard. Is it because it is some new
• 3:49
  novel? Amazing experience that is
• 3:52
  transformative. It's because it's intimacy being
• 3:55
  close and touching. Another human being is intimacy
• 3:58
  and plenty of guys, almost like 90% of the guys that I work with
• 4:03
  or that anybody works. With would calm their ass down
• 4:07
  and slow their role about all of their big sexual problems in
• 4:11
  bed. If the woman was more loving on
• 4:14
  a regular basis, meaning more hugs and kisses and cuddles and
• 4:16
  touches on the arm. When you go past etcetera, Etc.
• 4:20
  Would you hire a babysitter who refused to touch your baby?
• 4:25
  No. Would you, would you hire a
• 4:26
  babysitter that refused to touch your toddler?
• 4:28
  Know? I know if like, the first place
• 4:30
  that your mind goes to as well. What if my toddler doesn't want
• 4:33
  to be touched? You're coming at this?
• 4:35
  Of an argumentative Raven, that's an oppositional frame of
• 4:39
  mind because most toddlers want to climb on your lap and read a
• 4:43
  book. They do not want to book read to
• 4:44
  them at across a table. Let's say while they are, you
• 4:48
  know, separated by the slab of the table, they want to cuddle
• 4:53
  and hug and they want to touch you your arm and your face.
• 4:57
  Probably I mean toddlers. Want to like climb all over you
• 5:00
  and if you had a babysitter that was really, really quote loving,
• 5:04
  and Act your toddler, a lot of cookies and stuff, and read them
• 5:08
  a lot of books but refused to touch them and worse shrink
• 5:13
  away. When the toddler tried to touch
• 5:15
  them, you would buy her that person.
• 5:18
  And if the next thing you say is, my husband isn't a toddler
• 5:22
  anybody. How, how do you act when you
• 5:25
  are, by the way? Sick, Sad triggered dysregulated
• 5:31
  everybody. When they are not their best
• 5:34
  self, Like a toddler because that's like the basic child
• 5:38
  brain. And that's what they talk about
• 5:39
  your inner child, or like your lizard brain.
• 5:42
  Like that's basically who everybody still is at their
• 5:44
  core. So if you never get any intimacy
• 5:47
  at all, then you are going to feel like a toddler.
• 5:51
  Truly like you're going to feel not in control of your emotions,
• 5:54
  really dysregulated. Really like, you want to have a
• 5:57
  tantrum all the time because you nobody loves you.
• 6:00
  So, you know, you are not getting loved and I don't kind
• 6:04
  of I always bring back like there's the Reddit dead bedrooms
• 6:08
  read it. That a lot of my clients used to
• 6:09
  tell me about and so I look at it, some haven't looked at it in
• 6:13
  a long time, I assume it's still there, but their thing was the
• 6:17
  other four are like languages. Meaning that the only one that's
• 6:21
  a quote love language is physical touch and is true
• 6:26
  really? You know it's it's the only one
• 6:29
  as I've said marry a times that you are not allowed to get from
• 6:32
  anybody else, either by the way, Within Naga me.
• 6:36
  So while you can get words of affirmation or certainly acts of
• 6:39
  service, you could pay for all that, you get it from friends
• 6:42
  gifts, you could buy gifts for yourself, you know or friends
• 6:45
  can buy you gifts, your kids, get you gifts, what you can't do
• 6:48
  is have sex with somebody else, you know, you just can't with in
• 6:51
  monogamy. And so it's really not about
• 6:55
  sex, it's about what sex means. It's about sex being the only
• 6:59
  sort of physical touch. That is only between the two of
• 7:02
  you as a couple and It's honestly what's so interesting
• 7:07
  is that with avoidant women and you could refer back to my
• 7:11
  avoidant wives podcast. They will have sex sooner than
• 7:15
  they will do the other kind of intimacy.
• 7:16
  So I have men that are getting penis and vagina intercourse,
• 7:19
  but they don't get kissed on the cheek, you know, they don't get
• 7:23
  a hug, they don't get any sort of tap on the arm.
• 7:27
  They don't get cuddling, they don't get holding hands and they
• 7:30
  would trade, some of the robotic five-minute penis in vagina
• 7:34
  intercourse for Or any sort of other physical touch that
• 7:38
  indicates some sort of intimacy or closeness, because that's
• 7:42
  really what sex is the proxy variable for is closeness and
• 7:46
  intimacy. I don't know, any man that are
• 7:48
  not sociopaths that would leave their wives if their wife had
• 7:51
  like a vagina disorder where she could not have sex, you know, as
• 7:56
  long as there was other intimacy just like if a man's penis
• 8:01
  doesn't work anymore, which happens.
• 8:03
  You know what? Men get older.
• 8:05
  There are not many women who will leave that, man.
• 8:09
  I mean, you love him. You're gonna stay with him.
• 8:11
  Even if he has erectile problems.
• 8:13
  And a lot of men who have erectile Problems by the way,
• 8:16
  can't go on Viagra, can't go on Cialis because it interacts with
• 8:20
  their other medications, it hurts their heart, whatever.
• 8:23
  And, you know, they are told not to so then it's, it's just
• 8:27
  something they can't do, but they could do all their forms of
• 8:31
  physical intimacy like cuddling and of course, the man can still
• 8:34
  give the woman, Orgasm if she wants to and in any other way go
• 8:39
  back to my female oral sex on women podcast, you know, and he
• 8:45
  could do stuff like that. But what happens sometimes in
• 8:48
  those situations is that the man get so depressed that he doesn't
• 8:51
  get an erection anymore that he just totally stops having sex
• 8:54
  totally because it just makes him so depressed.
• 8:56
  Comparing it to what it used to be, which is really similar to
• 8:59
  when women sex drives go down the way that you can have sex in
• 9:03
  like how not into it. You Feel it's depressing and
• 9:07
  comparison where it used to be so many.
• 9:09
  What so that's why menopause is the death of sex and like,
• 9:12
  depression, anxiety, like anything that lowers, your sex
• 9:15
  drive antidepressants, birth control.
• 9:17
  I wrote all these out and Myriad posts and whatever.
• 9:21
  Any of these things, that decrease female libido.
• 9:23
  The reason that the, it's not like the woman never heard of
• 9:25
  like, giving you a blowjob but it's like doing anything sexual.
• 9:30
  When you have zero sex drive, just like for men with you have
• 9:33
  zero erection. It's like, Saying, like, makes
• 9:36
  you feel like a dead, you know, like it makes you feel like God,
• 9:40
  like, comparing this to what sex used to be as like depressing,
• 9:45
  which is why sex can drop off for people that are struggling
• 9:49
  with Drive issues of either gender, but it's less likely to
• 9:54
  drop off entirely. If the couple has a strong
• 9:57
  Foundation of physical, touch and physical intimacy outside of
• 10:02
  sex. So if You have told yourself
• 10:07
  that you are a loving partner, but you just don't ever touch
• 10:11
  your partner and they want you to.
• 10:14
  And they've asked you to how, how are you being a loving
• 10:17
  partner? You're not, you know, okay.
• 10:20
  Like there's like a lot of shit that could happen with sex
• 10:22
  itself, you know, especially for people as they get a lot older
• 10:26
  and if they're struggling with just with disorders like
• 10:28
  depression and what have you but you know, if you Lee shrink away
• 10:36
  from any sort of physical intimacy at all and sex.
• 10:41
  Then what really does distinguish it from a
• 10:44
  friendship, or not, even a friendship because the person
• 10:48
  that isn't getting touched would have so much bitterness so than
• 10:50
  your you don't feel very friendly he or she doesn't feel
• 10:52
  very friendly. So the point is that you can't
• 10:56
  really think about sex is all about sex because there are a
• 10:59
  lot of older couples where like they don't have sex because
• 11:02
  let's say the guy doesn't get an erection anymore.
• 11:03
  Now this is how it I used to go pretty much.
• 11:06
  I mean I've been in practice for, you know, a kind of long
• 11:09
  time since 2009 and I've worked with couples at all ages.
• 11:13
  In the older couples that I worked with earlier, in my
• 11:16
  career, they just kind of stopped having sex after the guy
• 11:19
  lost his erection. It wasn't as much Viagra all
• 11:22
  over the place and stuff like that.
• 11:24
  And a lot of the guys that lose their erections.
• 11:26
  Also do have heart conditions and things like that and are
• 11:29
  frequently advised not to do that.
• 11:31
  And and or the guy just feels like kind of weird.
• 11:35
  It was new, you know, at that point.
• 11:37
  So things have changed now. Like now like every guy like you
• 11:42
  know try telling a guy he can't take Viagra, they tried telling
• 11:45
  him, it'll kill him with his medication.
• 11:47
  Most guys aren't going to listen anyway, but it used to be
• 11:51
  different and at that point, there was a lot of women who
• 11:54
  said, the text was totally completely off the table because
• 11:57
  the guy couldn't get an erection.
• 11:58
  These were postmenopausal women, usually.
• 12:00
  So it's they sometimes didn't care that much, but what they
• 12:03
  did care about, what, Was that frequently than the guys would
• 12:06
  stop hugging and kissing them too, and I believe that that was
• 12:12
  due to that. It was sad, you know, it's sad
• 12:15
  to hug and kiss your wife and realize that then you can't have
• 12:18
  sex with her, right? Because you don't have an
• 12:20
  erection anymore. Especially if a lot of your
• 12:21
  sexual identity was predicated on that just like being good at
• 12:25
  having intercourse, you know, which it intercourse was
• 12:28
  usually, the only thing married couples did and many prior
• 12:32
  Generations. So if you didn't do that, You
• 12:35
  can't do that anymore because your penis doesn't work.
• 12:36
  It's like, very painful and sad to be like hugging and kissing
• 12:39
  your wife. When you feel like that, you
• 12:41
  can't please her in the way that you ought to be able to.
• 12:43
  And for many women, it's very similar.
• 12:46
  Like the sex drive goes down and then you don't want any sort of
• 12:49
  other touch because it kind of reminds you of everything that's
• 12:52
  gone with your sex drive, you know, like it.
• 12:56
  Look, there are some women that are relieved to be done with
• 12:59
  sex. That's like a whole different
• 13:00
  topic, but there are many women who had a very sexual identity.
• 13:05
  Until they got older and then it just went away and it kind of
• 13:07
  makes them sad, you know, to try to engage sexually when they
• 13:11
  don't feel anything even remotely, like they used to be
• 13:14
  like, watching your favorite movie blindfolded, you know, you
• 13:17
  might as well not watch it. Like that's how you might think
• 13:20
  and that isn't good for the relationship or for the
• 13:23
  partnership especially if the other person still wants sex.
• 13:26
  But it's certainly understandable.
• 13:28
  And if you do have like an inkling from listening to this,
• 13:31
  that this might be how your partner feels like that, they
• 13:34
  don't want to have sex. Said anymore or touch anymore
• 13:36
  because they are sad about their diminution and drive, you know,
• 13:40
  then the and they kind of can't help but compare it and it kind
• 13:43
  of seems stupid and pointless now because it's so different
• 13:47
  which it is. I mean if you're a woman in the
• 13:48
  prime of life, he has a great sex drive and then after
• 13:51
  menopause you don't have any, it's sad.
• 13:54
  You know, when I've worked with many women that say that it kind
• 13:56
  of is just not, it just kind of depressing you know to have sex
• 14:00
  at that point when you kind of don't feel anything remotely
• 14:04
  like what you used Do so so people can get over this again,
• 14:08
  especially not over it. Like they're going to start
• 14:10
  having like sex all the fucking time or whatever, but they can
• 14:14
  get over it to the point of continued intimacy.
• 14:17
  If they have a strong Foundation of non-sexual physical touch,
• 14:22
  which again to bring it back to the whole thing that we're
• 14:25
  talking about, you cannot be really in a loving partnership,
• 14:29
  unless neither of you has a physical touch love language and
• 14:32
  then I guess this more like a friendship.
• 14:34
  But if it Least one of you does, you know, then you can just
• 14:38
  never, ever even hug or kiss or cuddle with your partner and say
• 14:43
  that you're still loving and other ways because they don't
• 14:46
  care. Just like a toddler wouldn't
• 14:48
  care about how on top of it. His babysitter was with like nap
• 14:54
  schedule and you know, cutting up apples the right way.
• 14:57
  If she refused to hug him or hold him on her lap, that would
• 15:02
  not be thought to be a warm loving babysitter.
• 15:04
  And instead, Maybe somebody your toddler would find frustrating
• 15:07
  and upsetting and wouldn't like, all right.
• 15:09
  So hopefully this was interesting as a different sort
• 15:12
  of perspective. That's what I try to do in.
• 15:14
  These is open up a different way of looking at things, and I will
• 15:18
  talk to you soon. Bye, bye.