Latest / the Unvarnished Edit / Episode 19- I love being happy w/ Lauren Harward (Joy 3 of 4)

Transcript

Episode 19- I love being happy w/ Lauren Harward (Joy 3 of 4) · the Unvarnished Edit

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Welcome to season two, episode seven of The Unvarnished Edit, where two friends talk about what it's actually like to live an adversity-filled life.
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Be prepared to laugh, possibly cry, and swear along with us.
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This is Angie, and today's episode is the third in our joy arc with our guest Lauren, where we discuss what it's like to live a joy-filled life Hello How are you? I'm good.
It's kind of odd recording at night.
We never do So yeah, like, we always record bright and early.
Well, not bright and early, but, like, 9:00 AM in the morning.
I know But this is our first time that we're, like, in an evening recording, and it's is if someone opened the closet door and said, "What's for dinner?" 'Cause it's, like, that time of night.
We are on our third episode in our joy arc, Yes is the only arc that we have two guests because is not our, what's the word, strength.
Your wheelhouse It, We had to, yeah, it is not our wheelhouse We had to bring in experts for this one.
We did.
We did.
And so I'm k- I'm kind of excited, and I love, I mean, I love our expert that we have today.
So I will, I'll hand it to you, Jaelene, to, to introduce I'm super...
You know, as soon as we started trying to outline who we were gonna have and what we were gonna do for this, my dearest friend Lauren was, like, top of the mind.
So I have known Lauren, we met through work when I was pregnant with Jackson actually, so, um, that was 2001, so we go way, way back, to the way, way back.
Um, it is almost impossible not to befriend, have fun with, and want to spend time with Lauren.
So, um, I would say that I have some ideas that I'm gonna save until the end of the podcast about why I think she's so joyful, but some of the things that stand out to me and that really made me think of her as just someone who embodies joy all the time, does not seem to struggle with it, and seems to embrace it all the time, and let me tell you a couple reasons why.
Um, today's the perfect reason.
She texts me in all caps, "I'm having the worst day.
I don't know if, how this is gonna be on the podcast."
And then two seconds later she said, "But look how cute my cat is," and she sent me a video of her cat.
And it's like we'll be out doing something, shopping, whatever, and every single person she sees that she notices something, she tells them.
She'll walk right up to them, "I love your shirt.
Oh, you're so beautiful today.
Oh my gosh, your hair is so cool."
She'll be driving and people will be on the sidewalk, and she'll roll down her window and say, "You're doing great."
Like, she just is so, like, joyful, and she doesn't, hold it to herself.
And, uh, I, I read this quote the other day that I think really made me think of a lot of my friends, but Lauren especially, that, um, "Joy shared is doubled, and heaviness shared is halved."
And that is how I think about my friendship with Lauren, is she shares her joy with me and she also holds my heaviness and, um, the things that I'm going through.
And so whereas Angie, you and I are very similar and we're all like, "Rah, people are stupid," and rah, rah Yeah.
is the yin to my yang, and when I show up and I say, "This person's so dumb, and this happened, and that happened," she'll be like, "Did it really though? And what about them?" And have...
And, and she expands the scope of my thinking when I bring a problem to her, and helps me step outside my entrenched line of thinking, and I think that that's so lovely.
So I'm really excited to talk to her today, um, and have my two best friends here with me.
This is really great.
Um, and I know.
How cool let's, um, go ahead and start, Lauren, and why don't you just tell us a little bit about, like, how do you feel about the fact that we are coming to you and saying you are our joyful expert? Like, do you think of yourself that way? How do you think of happiness and joy, and sort of just like a general Yeah you on that? Well, I mean, I, I ca- I mean, I'm gonna be honest, it made sense to me just because I love to be happy.
Like, when I'm not happy, I'm...
You know.
I call you and I'm like, "I'm sad about this.
What could I do?" And you'll be like, "Okay, you know how you are.
You need to make a list and check something off the list."
And, you know, because I love to be happy, and I have been very good through my life of figuring out what the things are that make me happy.
You know, I got divorced a few years ago, and people were asking me, they said, you know, "So you gotta find the th- what makes you happy?" And I realized I was so embarrassed 'cause at the time I didn't know.
I was like, "I, I don't know," because it's really just been making my husband and my kids happy, and it's not really been about me for so long.
And that was such a good, such a good lesson for me because, you know, I get really happy, I think you talked about it with, like, other people, where, ugh, I just love other people so much.
I mean, I go on vacations and my family mocks me because I'll talk to somebody for 20 minutes, and I've got their number and their address, and we're gonna s- go stay with them in Canada the next time we're in the area, and I know their daughter's graduating from this coll- Like, just because I do feel like...
And this is, uh, I mean, some of the, my ways of being are gonna get into, like, maybe religious type things, just because I believe that I was sent here for a purpose.
I was sent here because I love people.
I literally love people so much.
I love all people, like, good, bad, or otherwise, and so they're interesting to me.
And so when I see people, my immediate reaction is, "What have they got for me? What can I learn from them? What can they tell me?" Whatever.
And I, it brings me so much joy to get to know people, because I recognize I live in this tiny little bubble that has just the smallest amount of exposure to the world and to experiences, and, and I'm grateful for some of that because some of the world's experiences really suck.
But I also know that because I don't experience those things, I don't understand some of the heartache and some of the pain that pushes people to do some of the things that they do.
So when I get into a relationship, I get the opportunity to hear, to hear them.
And being there in those relationships seriously brings me so much joy.
Like, and you know, Jaelene talks about everybody.
It's like, I just, I love giving other people joy.
There's not one person that I can pass, you know, people say, I don't know, if it's somebody that maybe an awkward-looking teenager where they've got, like, acne or something, and I just look at them and think, "What could I say that would maybe build them up?" And I know nothing about them, and my mind literally racks to be like, "Dude, you have the coolest shoes.
Those are so awesome."
I need to find something that makes them feel seen and appreciated because to me, those things, those things matter so much, the way that people feel seen.
I'm a big baby, by the way.
I knew it.
I was waiting to see how long it would take.
But it is super important to me because I just feel like...
I don't know.
I just, that's where I think most of my joy comes from is in those relationships.
If it's a five-year-old that I'm best friends with at church and she loves because I color in church, and then I give her my coloring at the end, you know? Is it f- is it the 90-year-old that I came over to help with her house or something, and then she's so excited 'cause we're gonna do something together, and I brought her chocolate or whatever.
It's everybody that brings that joy to me.
And so when I'm having a crap day, it's how can I step out of this? And sometimes it might not be a person.
It might be, all right, I'm gonna feel more in control if I do something I like, like I'm gonna go clean the closet and pull everything out and reorganize it or something.
But, but most of my joy comes from relationships, I think.
You and my husband would get along very well.
His isn't joy.
isn't joy, but his is hope.
And he has that sa- Hmm.
literally, like, at this point in his life, hardwired.
And his came from, um, getting into recovery super early.
He was in, he was in IV, um, uh, heroin use, and he got into recovery when he was 19, and that hope that somebody instilled in Yeah at 19, he feels this, like, just overwhelming to connect with others and be able to share that hope.
So do...
So my question to you, and I actually have two questions, 'cause it was interesting you said that you didn't know what made yourself happy when you got a divorce, and I think, um, Jaelene and I, at this point in our lives, that's part of the issue, right? Like, we've spent so much of our lives taking care of others, our children and in relationships and things.
And so now we're at this point in per- perimenopause where the fucks are gone, and we're like, "Wait," like, "where did I Yeah.
You know, and, "How do I do this?" And so I think that's part of even just our arcs that we have this season with spirituality, joy, and, um, parenting, right? How that kind of all goes together, um, and what it looks specifically for us.
So interested to hear, you know, what you did when you realized, like, how did you even discover the things that made Yeah But my first question is, like, there was something that h- that, you know, drove my husband to do, you know, to instill hope in others, and you definitely get joy from bringing joy to others, because, like, you could just hear it when you were talking Yeah And if you're watching on YouTube, you could see it, right, in, in her whole entire body.
has it alway- have you always been like that? Or, or was there something that kind of was, like, that realization or that catalyst of, like, "You know what? This only helps me, but it helps others"? I kind of feel like, and this is, I hope this is true because I actually have a terrible memory.
I mean, I don't remember half my childhood.
People are like, "Ooh, you must have had trauma."
It's like, no, it was very boring.
But I do feel like looking back, I've always been like the one who like- Shoots for the underdog, you know? Where if I...
Like at church, I remember a girl at church, pretty awkward looking and shy and, you know, and I remember inviting her over, and we did her hair, and we took her to a dance with us.
And it's something where I am very good at seeing, you know.
Whether it's, um...
I mean, some of my things kind of revolve around church, but let's be honest, I go to work and I go to church.
I don't have very much of a life sometimes.
So, um, but I'll be sitting in church behind, like, a family and, and I just, I'll notice things where, you know, things that are happening and things that maybe need to happen.
I'm very good at seeing, which, um, I mean, that's why I color when I'm in church, so I will stop being distracted by all the people around me and having conversations in my head about what's going on and actually pay attention to what's going on.
But, Yeah.
but I know that since I was a kid, I've...
I mean, it extends out into every piece of my life, where I brought stray animals home.
I brought stray people home.
My mother was...
Not was, my mother is, like, an angel.
No matter what I brought home or who I brought home, she was always there supporting me, giving them love just as much as she gave me love.
Like, I feel like so much of it is because of the way that she raised me.
My dad was always, you know, rolling his eyes, "Oh, good grief.
What is it now?" But my mom was always there, like, open arms, "Can I get you drinks?" Whatever.
Um, and so I've always been kind of looking for who needs me, and that has hurt me in my life because I, I I was a doormat.
Like, I didn't understand boundaries, and I've, I have...
In my life, I've had multiple friends where I am literally the dumping ground, like, it was not reciprocal at all.
I was there to just take on all their gunk, and then was there ever a question about me? Am I okay? No.
It was all about them, and I allowed that because I thought I was being a good friend.
And it took me a long time to figure out that if I allowed that in my life, that it had to be because I chose it, and it had to be because I wanted it.
And a lot of those people disappeared, um, because it's, you know, to have that, it's like an emot- what do they call it? An emotional vampire or something, where Yeah.
just...
Especially when I was going through, like, when I, the year I got divorced, my dad passed away.
He was in hospice.
We were nursing him through that for six months.
It was a lot.
And at that point, like, I just backed off of so many relationships, and I'm sure people just thought I was falling apart.
And what it was is I couldn't afford them.
Because I was investing my emotions in something else, and if they were the kind of relationship that filled me up like Jaelene does, like Jaelene is such a perfect give and take where it goes back and forth and we just end up, both of us, more full than when we started.
And so if those relationships had been that, they wouldn't have gone away.
They went away because they weren't even.
And so I've learned so much in the last few years about how to set boundaries and how to take care of myself so that I have enough to take care of other people.
'Cause that's...
I, I want to take other people, take care of them, but Yeah on my terms now, and so it's a little different.
So Yeah.
'cause I love that joy didn't change, but Mm-hmm.
application of it did.
And I think, you know, that's one thing that I've really learned in our friendship is as Lauren, you know, has come out of her divorce and been dating, this thing that she has where she loves people so much and is so willing to give an opportunity for her to learn from someone and, and see their point of view and their life, sometimes it leads her to be really, really trusting.
And at first when she started dating, you know, the vibe would be like, "Hey, you can't trust people as much."
But then I realized there's no way Lauren's ever going to do that.
Part of who she Right Yeah this ic- incredibly kind person who will always give opportunity too.
So we've shifted the conversation to, "I know you're always going to trust everyone, so here's how we're going to handle it with these guidelines and these boundaries Yes Right? And it's because I don't want her to feel like she has to change, right? I don't want her to change.
I think the world needs people Like she said, she's here for other people and to give them joy, and I think where a lot of conflict can come in play is if someone tries to make you not do that for your protection.
Yeah it's, it's a nice idea, right? But you can't make someone stop being joyful and stop being trusting without hurting them and who they are.
Yeah.
Yeah so that boundary piece is, like, so important because authentically want to be yourself, which is a trusting, kind, joyful person.
And that there's so many people that take advantage of it is, like, a really harsh world, right? And I think that's, like, where I come from of like, when you're happy, someone's gonna kill it or something bad's gonna come Yeah just what I always believe, right? Like, I feel scared when I get happy.
And I think it's maybe just putting too many rules on, or protections in place to not be hurt Yeah prevented from being able to feel happiness sometimes.
Yeah, absolutely.
And it brings us back to the conversation that we had with Jessica Mm-hmm on, you know, bringing childlike joy, and it w- one point in the thing she said that she doesn't think it's natural, and I countered and I said, "Actually, I think it's natural.
I think it's how we are until the world gets ahold of Yeah And, and we're, like, taught to dim life.
And h- here in the wild, out in the wild, we have met an adult who as a child their joy was honored.
Their joy was lifted up.
It was encouraged.
It was like, "Yes, you go for it, kid."
And it was never like, I don't have time for this right now.
You know, what are you doing? You should not be doing this.
You know, this world is, this world is gonna tear you up and eat you apart."
You know what Yeah.
Yeah Because it was, it was encouraged.
And how much easier it Yeah as an adult even when things happen that would steal that joy, you're able to access it because as a child it was embraced, right? And it was, it was moved, it was moved forward, which, um, I think is just kind of a cool thing that kind of tied both together.
We could not have scripted that if we, if we tried.
To Angie's other question is how...
I mean, I kind of had a front row seat to this, but I'm still kind of curious.
How did you start to figure out post-divorce when it's just like, "Okay, I'm like alone in this house," and the amount of free time you had exponentially Yeah at that time.
And so how did you start to figure out, you know, these are the things that make me the most happy, these are the things that I can go Yeah I know I'm feeling the ick? Well, I f- I very strongly feel like whether you believe that it's God or life or the universe or whatever, I feel like it serves up opportunities in the times that you need them.
And it says, "Here's this.
You wanna try this out? You wanna learn the lesson this time?" And, you know, we get these opportunities, and sometimes if we don't choose it, we'll get it next time, and maybe it's harder and worse.
To, you know, are you gonna choose it now? How about now? And so when I was going through all of this, um, it was something where even my going through, like my, when my dad was going through hospice and I'm going through the divorce process and things were hard, um, even then it was hard watching my dad lose all of his short-term memory.
I mean, just have it just be so gone, but it was just little things where I would go and he loved singing, and so me and the nurse would sing like a Little Mermaid song, and he would start singing with us because for whatever reason, if it was music, he remembered.
And so I love to just latch on to those little pieces of joy in the midst of yuck.
Um, those are the things that I look for, and so when I was going through, um, when I was going through a divorce trying to figure stuff out, I had so much time on my hands and I was by myself.
My kids have all moved out and I'm j- and I, you know, I'm a social person.
I don't, I don't like being by myself.
Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I love it, but other times it's like I need a person.
And so it just happened that, um, I went to, I don't know, some camp or something, and they were doing this goofy craft where they had like- I don't know, it was canvases, and they were doing, like, these watercolor paintings, and they were gonna be giving them to this Gathering Humanity, like, network that they decorate apartments for refugees that are coming into the country.
And so I was doing this craft with them, and I was like, "Oh, this is really fun."
So I was talking to the lady in charge, and I'm like...
There was a bunch that didn't get done.
I'm like, "Do you want me to take some of those home and, and do those for you?" And she's like, "Would, would you?" And I'm like, "Yeah."
And so I kinda got addicted to doing these little paintings, and I realized I actually love this.
And when I'm painting, w- And feeling like I was doing it for, like, a good cause and...
'Cause I've always been artistic, you know, and these, these are not, like, very professional paintings.
I'm gonna not claim that.
However, they brought me so much joy, and to me, they were perfect because that's...
They just...
If I was having a lonely night, go get the paints out and do this thing, and suddenly I've accomplished something, and the time has gone and it's time to go to bed, and it, it, I...
It was lovely.
And so I actually started loving painting.
And I'm glad I figured out the home thing because initially I started out going to As You Wish, which is so fricking expensive that I was like, "Dude, I cannot support this ha- this habit."
So, um...
But yeah.
So I started doing stuff at home.
But painting was one where I was like, "I love this."
If I get a bad phone call, got one today.
It wasn't fun.
Um, I need to disrupt the pattern, like, immediately.
And so I sit...
I get off the phone, sit back, open up a puzzle, and I do a puzzle on my phone real quick.
So I've found that if I can do things, whether it's shop or do a puzzle or...
I love going into my picture library and looking at pictures where...
Like the picture of, you know, a little video I sent today of my cat being a dork.
I have to disrupt the pattern so that I remember those other things going on that are better than that.
Um, I love that so that's kind of where it's been at.
I love that And you, I think you've gotten really good at, like, leaning into these joy things.
The one thing I am trying to get Lauren to do is stop describing her habits and joyful things as lame and boring.
But it is hard when you get into that space where as we get older, right, like, we have more time to ourselves Yeah we've been accustomed to after raising kids or...
And I, A- Angie, Mm-hmm.
not fully there yet because you've got stepkids, and yeah, you've got more kids going on.
But even just with me just having one at home, and she's only here every other week, so I'm empty nest every other week.
And, um, it, it, it's really hard to, like, comfortable using that time, what I would call selfishly.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
that's so hard for me because I do feel like that, where having things that are just for me, it's like, oh, I feel super selfish, you know? But, but it has been good to figure out those things that are about me because I think even growing up, you know, you're, you're doing things for your parents, and you're doing things for your church, and you're doing things for your husband.
And it just is such a never-ending thing that to finally get to a place where I'm doing things for me is such a unique experience.
And I do have to constantly restructure things, you know, because I do still feel like it's selfish sometimes, or like the things I'm doing are dumb because somebody once told me that they were dumb, and I still have it in my head.
It's still a belief.
And so it's, it's really hard to restructure my thoughts and to remember to give myself grace 'cause I know I deserve grace But I don't give it all the time.
I'm so bad at it, and I give it so much to everybody else.
It's, it's such a double standard because I extend so much grace and forgiveness to the people around me, but it's so hard to offer it to myself because I know I can do better, you know, to acknowledge, all right, that was super lame, you know? Or, gosh, I've gained weight and I can...
I know why, 'cause I remember those zingers I had on my ex-couch the other night.
And they They were delicious.
And they made my heart happy.
My Yes.
but my Yes.
So it is, it is difficult to not get down on myself because I acknowledge I'm where I'm at because this is where I chose to be.
And so that's also a part of what keeps me from complaining very much.
Like, maybe Jaelene's like, "Excuse me, what?" No, But I don't complain very much because, um, I understand that we're...
Maybe in our childhood somebody did something or this happened or our parents caused us to be a certain way, but we're big ass people now and so now our decisions are ours and if we say, if s- or if someone tells us, you know, that was kind of selfish, okay, I could choose differently now if I wanted to be in a different place.
And so if I'm gonna make the exact same decisions, I can't expect to be in a different place, so I'm not gonna complain about maybe my butt's a little bit larger than I would like because I love eating whatever the heck I want in certain times of my life.
But yeah, I do feel like I don't have the right to complain about things that I control and that I choose, and so I'm gonna try and, try and not do that.
You know, sometimes I might, I might get emotional about it and say, "I'm really struggling with this today," and then I just gotta get back up and keep going because it's like, all right, if, if this is really hard on me today, maybe today's the day that I say, "Nope, I'm going to the gym every day because I know that will solve this problem."
But does going to the gym s- give me so much anxiety or take up so much time that it's gonna create other problems, and is that worth it? And it's a choice that I'll make, and I can make that choice and it's fine.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm I think, what I'm hearing is that you are highly accountable to yourself, Yeah right? Which allows you to really have a lot of control over how you want to feel, how I do feel, and what I can do to make it different, right? Like, it's a very internal process for you.
I think also though the accountability, it's not just to myself.
I am holding accountability for other people at the same time.
So I am not going to take on...
Like, some people are like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so worried and I can't...
I'm so stressed for this person because they made this stupid decision," or blah, blah, blah, you know? I have a very low level of anxiety for other people's things if they chose it.
Because to me, that's good feedback for you to get the results of your decisions.
And so where I might be there to help them if they need it, I am not gonna be stressing overnight because they've got this going on because they chose that thing.
I'm just gonna say, "All right.
I'm excited to see what this brings," because maybe, maybe the consequences of this will, will cause you to make a different decision.
I don't know, but it's all on you.
But I also, where I hold myself accountable, I also don't take on the things of other people.
I let them be accountable for that and not me This is where I Yeah entertaining friend for Lauren.
But she doesn't, you know, I think that's one of the things that m- when I've been thinking this whole week about, like, you know, what, what is it that allows you to be so joyful, is that I think You're very efficient with your emotional energy.
Yeah And we always, I always say, like, it's my job to keep my side of the street clean, right? I need to deal with my emotions, my baggage, my stuff, so that can be in partnership with someone as long...
in a good way, as long as they're doing the same thing, right? And, um, I think you're just really successful at that, right? Like, this is who I am, this is...
don't hold onto things that Mm-hmm.
held onto, Yeah Your emotions move through you and process through you in an extremely healthy way.
Whereas, like, if I'm mad, nobody probably knows it for quite a long time.
Like, you have to be a detective to figure out that I Yeah mad at you why.
when there is no mystery, because she does this really crazy thing.
She calls me and she says, you? me in the following way.
I love you.
I don't like this feeling.
How can we fix it?" And I'm like, "Well, shit, man, I didn't know you could do that."
I've been over here holding grudges for 50 years, and you just are Mm-hmm.
them, right? And it's a, it's a really strange thing to interact with.
I mean, now I'm used to it.
It's a really refreshing take on life, right? Whereas, like, Angie, you and I, I think, have spent so much time adversity that it feels hard to exit it, because it's the norm.
It was the norm.
And Lauren has spent so much time in accountability and happiness that being out of it is uncomfortable for her.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah Yeah.
It's amazing.
She's like, "I get, It's amazing phone call and I have to fix it right away."
I'm like, "What?" That is a three-day journey for me.
That is a three-day journey for me.
But it, but, but it used to be a two-week journey Yeah.
Yeah And so we're shortening that, we're shortening that timeframe.
Yes, absolutely.
And, um, I, I love that you brought up the conversation of selfish and then also not giving yourself grace.
Like being able to give this to others, right? But not being able to give it to ourselves.
And I think, and we've, we've had this conversation a couple times, you know, I've brought up is that as women, right, there's certain, are, there are certain responsibilities that we have taken those, we have taken the messages of those responsibilities from the time that we are very young, right? And moved them through our life.
We're all relatively the same age.
And so we've, uh, we've had this time on our planet, uh, on the planet with our children, with, you know, partners and things where that role was to care for others, right? And not to care for ourselves because we were secondary in, we were secondary in those roles.
And It can feel very selfish to do it, but just like you said, Lauren, at, towards the beginning where you realize that if you're gonna give this to others, you have to have it inside yourself Yeah.
before you Yeah if you don't fill yourself up, you don't have it to give others.
And so, um, I, I challenge the selfish feeling because how else are we supposed to Yeah Right? Like, how else are we supposed to get it? And is it not time that we embrace being selfish? have allowed our children to be selfish.
We actually encourage it, right? Like, ah, you know, with this friend they've, they're really taking a lot of your time.
Like, of...
You know, I just did it w- I just did it with Jacen the beginning of summer.
He went and his, his was here, his sister was here.
He graduated eighth grade.
He went to his dad's house for 10 days, which is Yeah normal.
He came back home on, like, a Sunday evening.
He immediately had a friend Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday over at our house.
Then he left with that friend Friday, and by Saturday he was like, I'm really homesick."
And I'm like, "Yeah, when you come home, you're not, there's no friends over.
You're not going anywhere.
Like, you need your home space because you need to recharge."
He's like, "I think that's a really good Yeah.
"Yes."
You know what I mean? And which we encourage it, but for us we're like, oh, you know, we may have had the same Yeah.
But we don't usually get that.
Right.
Yeah don't take that or if I don't give myself grace because I respond- reacted in this way when Yeah you know, I wouldn't, um, I do kind of challenge that, challenge us all to, to look at it through the lens of what would I do for Well, that's the thing is if we're so willing to cherish other people, then we got- we have to take time to cherish ourselves because I'm a good person.
I deserve to be cherished, and if, if I don't have somebody who's actively doing that, it could definitely be me.
So, Yeah no, I...
And that's the thing is I know all these, like, at an intellectual ye- level.
It's like to know it at the intellectual level, but then I'm so glad that I have my daughters, and Jaelene are so good at saying, "Stop."
You know? They're like, "Stop doing that.
Don't say that anymore."
You know? Because some of these things just come out of my mouth because they do, you know? And so when I do that, it's like I don't mean that I'm not worth that.
I just- I'm just saying the things that somebody fed me one day and aren't true, aren't true anymore, or maybe they were never true says...
it's like when my husband says sorry.
I said, "There's nothing to be sorry about."
He's like, "Well, I'm not really sorry."
And I was like, "No, I know because there's nothing to be sorry about."
But it's such an Yeah It's such an automatic, I feel like I'm in that place of my life where I'm questioning everything.
I question church things.
This is what I believe.
Do I like that I believe that? Do I believe...
Uh, that does it make me feel good when I do this? Like, I'm questioning everything because what I know is everything that we do was built on because the people we were with were doing them, or it's what we learned, or we thought it was appropriate at the time, and we are different now.
And so I feel like it's so good for me to just question everything and just say, "Do I still love this?" And it's great if I do, and it's fine if I don't, you know? And to just figure out what things truly bring me joy, 'cause I have found new things that Yeah wouldn't have guessed would've brought me joy, but I'm like, "Oh, well, that's fun," you know? And so I do kind of like the discovery of myself by questioning things that I never was...
It was frowned on to question Yeah So Angie and I recently just had a conversation of we really feel like we don't have enough fun.
Like, we don't have enough, like, fun in our life.
Um, so pop quiz, what is the last piece of fun y'all had? Uh, like, what was the last fun you had, Angie? When was the last fun, or what was the last fun thing you remember that you did? Um, what was the last fun thing you did? For me, I mean, us, yeah.
mine was, mine was last night.
I went over to my daughter's house.
We were gonna do some crafts where we like, whatever, cut up some shirts in stupid ways.
Um, but we ended up doing nothing except we just went out to the pool.
She lives in an apartment complex, and she said, "Oh, bring your swimsuit."
And I was like, "Okay."
And I'm gonna be honest, I did not bring my swimsuit on purpose because I was like, "I don't wanna go swimming."
I just don't...
I mean, that's one of my things that's like, all right, I'm 55.
Maybe my body doesn't look as much as, uh, like a bodybuilder as I would like.
So, um, all of us have these things, and so I was like, "I don't wanna go, go in a bathing suit."
Well, so I get there and she's like, "That's okay, you can wear one of mine."
Oh, no, I will not be wearing one of yours, you very much smaller child.
So she brings out like these little, little sport shorts, and I'm like, "Mm."
And then she's like, "Oh, this'll fit you."
She brings out this string bikini.
I kid you not.
It was like this big for the bottoms.
Like literally barely covered the parts that she really should be covering.
She's like, "Well, just try it on."
Okay.
So I go look at the pool first.
Nobody's out in the pool.
Okay.
So I go in the bathroom, put on...
Her and her girlfriend are so stinking supportive of me.
They're like, "Big you up."
They always say the nicest things to me, so I know I'm good around them.
It's fine.
So I put this bathing suit on.
I'm like, oh my gosh.
It is literally like almost indecent.
Like I can't turn around and show them the back because it's like, okay, this is like, if it like gets wet, it's gonna show the, my butt crack.
It's just this tiny little...
Literally, it's like, okay, y'all, I didn't shave and everyone's gonna know.
So tiniest bathing suit.
But we, I wear it, I went out in public in it, got in the pool, and we just sat there and talked in the pool about deep things for a couple of hours, and it was the best.
Like, I mean, I probably cried 'cause I always do that because I was telling them that I love them and...
But we talked about real things and we talked about the things they were worried about and, and it was fun and I took a risk and I got to spend time with people I love and it was like 1000% like exactly perfect for me.
So that was my fun night.
I I love that.
I still I love that Angie, but I just wanna interject that I see a lot of content around women regretting, um, letting bathing suits get in the way of having fun with their kids, and that is such a real thing.
Like, that is such a...
And, and, you know, I remember it from growing up, and I know how insecure my mom felt getting into a bathing suit.
But she did it, and she would go swimming with us, and she would be in the pool with us.
And water, for some reason, makes the best memories with young kids, Yeah and I just think that's a really fantastic example of, like, not letting something...
Yeah, uh, but saying, "Uh, this really bugs me, but I- it's more important to have, like, this connection with you."
So Yeah.
that.
Yeah Yeah time you had fun? Well, it's not fair because I get to see Peanut, like, regularly.
And so, so Peanut is- Oh yeah, it's my, it's my little grandbaby.
She just turned one.
And so everything is fun to her.
She was just here today, and we were playing in water, as was, as was my other granddaughter who's, who's, um, five.
They were playing on the splash pad.
Um, and they just, they absolutely love it.
But this weekend I picked Jacen up in Prescott on Sunday, and we went and brought lunch and Dutch Brothers to Samantha's Oh.
and just hung out with Sam for a couple hours.
And the relationship between Samantha and Jacen I just absolutely love.
They have always had this...
And I was la- like tears laughing at the two of them kind of going back and forth in that space.
And I was like much joy.
But it brings me back always to the conversation of, yes, I can, I can experience joy with others.
What is it like having joy just with myself? Yeah yeah.
What about you, The last Miss Jaelene? um, well, you know, it's funny 'cause I just asked Michael this question the other day.
And, um, we had Lauren over for the 4th of July, so when I asked Michael the other day, "When was the last time you had fun?" He was like, "Oh, well yesterday with Lauren," 'cause we had a really fun time on the 4th of July.
But we actually...
I needed some steps yesterday, and so we went to- he offered to take me over to SCHEELS and walk around SCHEELS with me.
while it was incredibly difficult to get the steps because he stopped at every single item, and he was like, "Ooh, look at this.
Ooh, babe, look at this.
And I was like, "We have to walk.
I need steps."
But I found this ball.
It is so- it bounces so good, you guys.
It's called a moon ball, and I was like, "Ooh, I've heard of these."
And I bounced it harder than I thought, and it like whacked me in the face in SCHEELS.
And so, um, he was like, "Pick one.
I'll buy you one."
And so for the rest of the time we were bouncing the ball at each other.
Or like he would come around the corner, and I'd be like, "Think fast," and I'd throw it at him.
And we were like total chaos agents in SCHEELS last night.
We were acting like children.
We were throwing the ball everywhere.
But we were just having fun, and it was goofy, and it was funny.
And, I caught the ball every time except for the one I love that threw it into the clothes, and it was like Oh my God like watching the ball come down through the thing.
So we actually had a lot of fun together.
And I didn't- I still had to go on a walk when I got home 'cause I did not get enough steps, but we had fun.
Well, I do think you said something that, you know, we were like children, and I just think if somebody's ever stuck and they're like, "I don't know what to do.
I don't know what brings you joy," you know, maybe that's what you do.
Like, and maybe this is just me, but I think what would a child love to do? They would probably love playing with a puppy or a kitten.
Ooh, me, me, that's what I love.
You know, and they would probably love to eat some, you know, sweets.
Yeah, maybe that's what makes you feel better, is you have a piece of cake or a piece of candy, 'cause the kids are like, "Oh, I want that."
Maybe we just have to channel the inner child and figure out what would've made them happy, whether it's playing at the park or going on the swings or something, you know, where it's like pick out something out of your comfort zone that maybe sounds a little dumb and do it anyway and Yes.
if you don't know Yes happy or what ma- not happy, but what, how you can have fun, three of us, if a kid came to us and said, "I'm bored, what can I do?" We would have a million ideas.
We would be Yeah do that, do this, do that."
And so I think, like, we know, Yeah.
we know.
Yeah need to give ourselves permission to act silly.
It's hard to get me to start the silly thing.
I get embarrassed by being silly.
I don't like it.
And so I have to, like, get over myself.
I think I just have to, like, drop that ego thing of, like, it's embarrassing to be silly and engage in, like, silliness Yeah So being raised by, um, my mother, when you said we can all...
Like, when a kids, you know, comes and like, "I'm bored, what can you do?" Honest to God, my brain was like clean Oh, God.
No.
No, Although that is fun for me.
they were all tasks and I'm like, "Oh, you're talking about things that are fun."
That was because she just was so always so Yeah um, in, in everything.
And the people who were having fun, she would look down She disapproved.
Yeah so, like, ha- like, being able to kind of access that piece, yeah, n- like, not only that silly piece is, like, really difficult.
I'm really good at, like, watching it and kind of having that kind of engagement.
But, um, when you're talking about swinging on the swings, there's nothing better in this world to me than swinging on a swing.
And when I am s- like, when I am super dysregulated...
I did this one conference, and it was a victim advocates conference for, uh, county at- attorney generals.
It was, like, their, their whole county kind of thing, and I was doing it on trauma.
And I didn't realize how activated I was gonna get.
I, I mean, I've done so many trainings, I can't even tell you.
But this one specifically, I had two sessions that I had to do.
I have never been so activated in one day.
I literally, my watch, I burned 1,600 What? in, like, five 4-hour span just because how dysregulated wow Yeah, just, just, like, being alive Yeah.
Yeah But there was a playground in between the place.
And in between sessions, I went out and I put my, you know, feet in the grass, took off my shoes, stood in the grass, kind of grounded myself, and then I just swung.
And they were all in lunch and, you know, doing adult things and here I am on the playground and I'm Yee! swinging and I'm like, "Okay, this feels so, this feels so much Yeah you know what I mean, in my system.
And I think, I think especially if you w- especially if you come from a lot of adversity where joy is difficult to access, think that we put too much pressure on what the meaning of joy Yeah We see how it looks in other people.
We see that it's this outward piece.
I think we, we have made this, it such a big thing also that it feels like it's inaccessible and that there are so many little things that we can, that we can do.
Um, and then we had this conversation with Jessica too of just those little, we called it microdosing.
Um, microdosing joy.
But as this is our third of the fourth episode in this arc, this is my challenge to you, Jaelene.
Because our last episode, I know, our last episode in this is gonna...
is the arc is going to be our recap if you can cultivate joy, like what does that look like? And it's gonna be, you know, our feelings on it.
And so I do challenge us for, we have like, before we record this, only nine days.
we we make a note on our phone, something, but we start looking at all of those pieces throughout the day, those little pieces.
"We're gonna Yes.
I love We are gonna microdose, and we are gonna report back to all of you of what that actually kind of looked like and, um, and kind of how we feel at the end of Yeah That'll be that episode I wonder, and first of all, I love a challenge.
I am curious.
I think we might find that we are actually encountering more joy than we are experiencing.
Does that make Fascinating.
I think Okay my hypothesis.
I think we are Are? over the next nine days, realize we have far more opportunities to experience joyful, happy moments than we are allowing ourselves to take advantage of.
Oh, well this has been fun have laughed more in this episode than any other episode that we've Yay.
Uh, Yes For sure.
it would've been 100% success if I'd made you cry, but whatever.
We'll get there one day.
in an episode earlier today though, and I have like a very strict once a day crying darn it.
I I don't either I, clearly Yeah.
No, I actually, I wish I could.
That's a whole fricking s- that's a whole fricking season of podcoas- podcasts on the fact that I, on that I cannot access crying, and it's not something I'm gonna try Oh.
So we're good.
So you can just be like me, cry a little bit every single day, and then it's like, "It's fine.
It's good.
Goodbye."
so exhausting Could you imagine? Like, exhausting though, because I'm always putting the...
I'm letting the emotions go.
Done.
Felt and gone Yeah are.
You're s- and that's, I, that is, like, when we...
So our first episode we talked about how this saying of joy is the matriarch of emotions, and if we do not let the others in, sh- joy is not going to come.
And Yeah why I think this is so accessible for you, Lauren, is because you deeply feel every emotion that shows up for you.
You allow it to be, and then you send it on its way, and you just have this rhythm of, like, being emotional and feeling comfortable and safe being emotional.
Yeah and so your, your prize, right, is that you get to feel them all.
And that's the goal, right? Is to let go of the ones that need to be let go of, feel the ones that we're avoiding, and make space for everything Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that.
Perfectly said.
love this.
Yeah.
Lauren, thank you so much for Of course.
This was Yeah, this is That was so nice of you to ask me.
It made my day.
It's a privilege.
it.
Oh God, I love you.
Thank you.
you guys All right.
All right, bye Bye Thank you for joining us today and listening along with this conversation on joy and happiness.
Come back next week where we will be discussing spirituality and the subtopic of spirituality is shadow work.
It's a very interesting conversation.
I think you will really enjoy it.
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