Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / When Did Resilience Start Meaning You're Not Allowed to Be Disappointed? | Thinking Out Loud
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- Thinking Out Loud - Podcast: Three, two, one. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. What happens if... What happens when the lemonade's? Three, two, one. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. What happens when the lemons are moldy? Sure, you can compost them. Too many lemons don't make good fertilizer. What if you don't even like lemonade? What if you wanted to make lemon bars or lemon meringue? What if you're allergic or lemons just don't sit right with you? What if you thought you were growing oranges? Are you not allowed to feel disappointed? Yes, resilience is valuable skill. What happens when you just want the freedom though to say, I don't like lemons? Hi, it's me, Kimberly. And today's question is, when did resilience start meaning you're not allowed to be disappointed? Before we go any further, quick note. This podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and listen away that feels supportive for you. I understand the sentiment to appreciate what life hands you. I don't think that means we have to love pain, hurt, and disappointment. I didn't enjoy my fertility struggles. I didn't enjoy... Three, two, one. I didn't enjoy feeling like I was losing my mind. Losing my mind. I didn't enjoy feeling like I was losing my mind and getting worse while trying to get pregnant. I didn't enjoy yelling at my husband or isolating myself because everything felt too much. I didn't like feeling so sensitive all the time. I wasn't okay with how hard it was for me and not understanding why it was so easy for everybody else it felt like. I didn't let myself become bitter. I sure as hell didn't make lemonade though. I watched people around me get pregnant and I genuinely was happy for them. I just wanted my turn too. In the meantime, I celebrated other people and some even made space for me to be sad without it taking away from their joy. And some made space for me to be sad without it taking away from their own joy. And I learned we can have both. Just because you don't get what you want doesn't mean you have to become bitter. And Just because someone is sad about their own situation doesn't mean they're robbing you of your happiness. I learned how important it is to actually live life, not pretend emotions don't exist. I had the three, two, one. I learned how important it is to actually live life while also not pretending emotions don't exist. I had to process what I was feeling and pay attention to the beliefs that were forming because of it. I accepted that it wasn't my turn, that my body needed time to recover, heal, figure it out. It was hard though and I didn't understand it. I felt like my body was failing me and I wouldn't wish that kind of struggle on anyone. Because looking on the bright side, what, so I might not be able to have a baby that I wanted for three, two, one. So what, I might not be able to have a baby despite how much I wanted one? I knew it would be hard. didn't, I wasn't, three, two, one. I knew it was going to be hard. I wasn't prepared for five years of nothing. And then unexpectedly the cycle I said would be my last worked. Maybe it was meant to be and looking back I wouldn't change the timing of my girls. I love my life with my husband. I love the life my husband and I have created through those times. I'm proud of what we made and that we got through it. I will never tell someone though who wants something so badly and no matter how much they want it, it's not happening to just look on the bright side. Maybe everything does happen for a reason that doesn't erase someone's pain in the moment. At least it's not worse is just a more polished version of dismissed is just an at least it's not worse. is just a more polished version of dismissal. It's like saying other people have it worse so your pain doesn't count, and that helps who? The person who feels uncomfortable by another person's pain? I have more respect for someone though who can say, I don't know how to comfort you, I'm here though. Then someone who tries to fix it by invalidating the experience. I've heard parents tell their kids, don't be sad. be happy when they're expressing big emotions and I have to ask is that really for the child or is it so we feel more comfortable we don't reject disappointment we rush people out of it I want my girls to know that yes I want them to overcome hardship it's also okay to say though but I also want them to understand it's okay to say this sucks this feels unfair why not me that's part of the process Instead, we silence people for the sake of comfort. Instead of saying, wow, you've been through a lot. That really sucks. I don't know what to say, but I'm here. Resilience got confused with emotional suppression. In emotional suppression, you ain't getting any trophies for it. We can't truly align mentally and physically if we constantly skip to the good part. That's not how life works. We don't have to fix everything. Some things are outside of our control. However, we can hold space for breakups, for loss, for illness. We can let people be loved while they adjust to their reality. Sometimes people don't need solutions. They need time, patience, understanding. And maybe that's what unconditional love actually looks like because we skip that part and there are consequences. 3, 2, 1, when we skip that part, there are consequences. Burnout, resentment that slowly turns into bitterness, numbness, forgetting who you are because you're too busy trying to make lemonade, forgetting what you like, what brings you joy, what actually fulfills you. You can't genuinely make lemonade if you're not allowed to admit you didn't want lemons in the first place. Resilience is the ability to feel disappointed and still move forward. But the pace? That might look different for everyone. Force positivity is just a nicer way of saying suck it up buttercup. Instead of saying yeah that really sucks. You can be sad, mad, and disappointed. And at the same time you can still take care of yourself. Eat, rest, keep going. slowly if needed. You're not racing anyone but yourself and it's okay to say this isn't what I wanted. You're allowed to sit in that three two one. You're allowed to sit in it. You're allowed to sit in that without immediately trying to fix it. Sometimes some things just suck and you get three two one and you get to decide what you want to do with that. I am grateful for my daughters. I am still disappointed in how hard that journey was. I struggled with fertility, I had two C-sections, breastfeeding always ended by four months and it wasn't what I wanted. And yet, my daughters are here, they're safe, they're healthy. I'm grateful for the outcome. I don't have to be grateful for the pain it took to get here. Strength is about enduring. That doesn't mean the process isn't painful. Gratitude comes after grief, not in the middle. Three, two, one. Gratitude often comes after grief, not in the middle. Because if you've never been disappointed, you're not practicing gratitude. Yorick's three, two, one. Because if you've never been disappointed, you're not practicing gratitude. You're just meeting expectations. And those are not the same thing. Gratitude is often born... 3, 2, 1. Gratitude is often born from overcoming something, from reaching the other side, not from pretending the struggles didn't hurt. Because when you're in it, when you're in the middle of waiting, the unknown, the disappointment, you're not thinking this is beautiful. You're thinking this is hard. This isn't what I planned. I don't know how long I can keep doing this. And that matters because the way we talk about resilience, often skips that part entirely. We celebrate the outcomes, we admire the strength, we tell the story once it's clean and tidy. Once it makes sense. Once there's something to learn from it. We don't sit in the middle with people. We don't normalize the messy parts. The parts where nothing makes sense yet. The part where you're trying to hold it together and you're falling apart at the same time. And if we're not careful, We start doing that to ourselves. We rush our own healing. We minimize our own pain. We tell ourselves, other people have it worse. I should be grateful. I just need to be stronger. Instead of asking, what do I actually need right now? Maybe you need rest. Maybe you need space. Maybe you need to be honest about the fact that this isn't okay with you. Not everything has to turn three, two, one. Not everything has to be turned into a lesson immediately. Not everything has to make sense right away. Some things take time to process. Some things take time to accept. And some things may never fully be understood. And that doesn't make you weak, it makes you human because resilience isn't about how quickly you recover. It's about how honestly you allow yourself to experience what you're going through while you're going through it. It's not about abandoning yourself in the middle of something hard. It's about saying this hurts and still choosing what three, two, one, and still choosing to take the next step. Even if that step is small, even if that step just is getting through the day and maybe that's where things have gotten wrong. We've made resilience look like confidence, clarity and control. When a lot of the time it actually looks like doubt, grief and showing up three, two, one, and showing up anyway. It looks like questioning things. It looks like slowing down. It looks like admitting you're not okay yet and giving yourself permission to not be okay. Back to the question. When did resilience start meaning you're not allowed to be disappointed? Maybe somewhere along the way we confuse strength with silence, growth with gratitude. Maybe somewhere along the way we confuse strength with silence, growth with gr- 3, 2, 1. Growth with gratitude, healing with getting over it. Maybe we thought that if we weren't turning pain into something beautiful fast enough, we were doing it wrong. Maybe when life gives you lemons, you don't make lemonade. Maybe you make beef three, two, one. Maybe when life gives you lemons, you don't make lemonade. You make beef stew. Maybe you set the lemons down and come back to them later. Maybe you try, fail and throw the whole recipe out. Because if you have time, the resources, because if you three, two, one, because if you have the time, the resources, the endurance, three, two, One, because if you have the time, the resources, the endurance, why not, why not create something that actually fits you? Why not admit, this isn't what I wanted, I'll figure out what to do next? I'll figure out what to do next. That's resilience. Not pretending like the, three, two, one. Not pretending you like the lemons. Choosing what comes next after you admit you don't You don't have to live your life the way everyone else tells you you don't have to force meaning out of something that still hurts You don't have to rush to be okay You can be disappointed. You can be grateful. You can be both at the same time And maybe three two one and maybe that's the part we've been missing resilience is about three two one. Resilience isn't about making lemonade. It's about giving yourself permission to decide what you want to make at all. Three, two, one. Thanks for listening to my rr-r-r-r-r