Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / We Don't Talk Anymore (Part 1 of 10 part series - 10 Things That Can Make or Break Your Marriage)

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We Don't Talk Anymore (Part 1 of 10 part series - 10 Things That Can Make or Break Your Marriage) · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, how are you doing today, Mrs. Hackney? I'm good. Really?
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: I can't decide if I'm hot or if I'm cold.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: You must have plunged.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: I did. But then, so then I sat in there
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: and did a Zoom appointment.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: You plunged this morning though, didn't you?
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: I did. Okay.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: So that's not it.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: It's not really from that anymore, but I was.
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: Cold during an appointment. Menopause is not for the faint
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: of heart.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: No, no, not really.
• 0:44
  Speaker 4: I'm freezing in the house. I go outside to warm
• 0:47
  Speaker 4: up and then I'm hot after like two minutes.
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: It's a good problem to have being freezing in the house.
• 0:51
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: And it's on 73. It's usually, you know, I usually
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: keep it set on 72, but Every once in a
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: while after the plunge, I pop it up a degree.
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: But the fact that you can set it on 72
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: and it stays on 72, we thank you for insulation,
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: a well-insulated house.
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: Wasn't that way back at the old Rolling Acres house
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: when they converted the garage? I'd have it set on
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: 68 and it'd be 85 in there, that west sun. Anyway, well,
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: let's talk some marriage stuff. We are going to do
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: a 10-part series.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: Welcome everybody glad you're joining us we're going to do
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: a 10-part series uh do we want to talk about
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: at & t for a second.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Oh that may get us you know what bad start.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: People well no i'm just going to say this because
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: people don't want to say anything for fear being sued
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: bring it on at & t i'm just going to
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: say this you got to do better when a guy
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: comes out and knocks out your internet and then he
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: he can't get the uh The new line, he just
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: puts a temporary line in. So we're up and running, obviously.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: But otherwise, we couldn't be putting this out. But we're
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: up and running. But the line that's taped across, it's
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: going across our garden, our yard, taped across our driveway,
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: our neighbor's driveway, across the street. And guess what those
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: fiber optic lines are? Glass. So they're going to be
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: driven over. And he said, oh, someone's coming out. This
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: is Friday. Someone's coming out tonight to put the temporary line.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: I mean, the permanent line.
• 2:22
  Speaker 4: Nope.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: Saturday morning, we scheduled, you know, the little four-hour window,
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: 8 to noon?
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: Nope.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: Saturday afternoon, somebody came to the neighbor's yard and got
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: their line up and running, and he was a very
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: nice guy. And he said, yep, somebody's going to come
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: out and replace this temporary install, the permanent one, tonight.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: Saturday afternoon.
• 2:44
  Speaker 4: Nope.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: We got online, scheduled another appointment for Sunday from noon
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: to 4. Nope. No showed. So we got online, scheduled
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: another appointment for Monday. And I can't even remember the
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: time window. No showed again.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: Nope.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: That's three for three. No show. And then we finally,
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: we had after three hours on the phone with AT
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: & T, we had another one scheduled for this morning
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: from eight to noon. Guess who didn't show up? AT
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: & T do better. Need to do better. Now they're
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: telling us that The thing was on hold or canceled
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: or something, and so now they're going to be out
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: here by the 6th.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: So, yeah. So it's going to be a week. So
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: AT & T, you need to do better. So don't
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: give us your horror stories in the comments. I don't care.
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: We all have our time with AT & T, but
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: I would get in trouble if I said any more.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: You said I don't care.
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: You actually do care if people tell their horror stories
• 3:46
  Speaker 4: because you can all kind of commiserate. And you're like, yes,
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: us too. You don't feel like you're the only one. No,
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: I mean, it's yeah, we're not the only one. We're
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: not the only one. Greatest human need is solidarity, not solutions.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: And I love their slogan, AT & T, something like connection,
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: changing lives.
• 4:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: And I'm watching this AT & T stadium, you know,
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: football games like, man, oh, their ad comes on. I
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: can't mute it fast enough. Yeah. Do better AT & T.
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: First world problems, though, right? So we're going to do
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: a 10-part marriage series. And any other small talk you
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: want to get off your mind before we jump in
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: today's episode?
• 4:30
  Speaker 4: I'm just trying to think of anything coming up. One
• 4:32
  Speaker 4: thing I do want to highlight is today our Women's
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: Evergreen Autumn Registration tickets went live. So if you are
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: a woman out there and you want to come to
• 4:45
  Speaker 4: our retreat... November 6th through 8th in Broken Bow.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: We'd love to have you.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: That's awesome. I love all the social media that y'all
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: are doing. You and Dani are killing it and Adrena
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: are killing it on that. And thank y'all for doing that.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: I seem like I'm seeing Dani doing all the videos
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: and stuff.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: She does the bulk of our social media.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: She's really good.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's great.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: And yeah, good job, Dani. She loves that. But yeah, man,
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: you ladies sign up. I mean, that's going to fill
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: up and it's going to be great. I love her
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: last post was something. It's not this huge, you know,
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: the same old, you know, women's, uh, conference, you know,
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: where there's a lot of women and you're just, uh,
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: hurting a bunch of cattle, not that women are cattle, but, uh,
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: it's a small, intimate retreat and just time to connect
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: with yourself, connect with others or reconnect with others. I
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: think she said, and just spend some time in the
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: quiet and truly, truly, um, retreat it's it's a good that's.
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: A good word and we i will say get your
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: tickets quickly because through the 7th there is a 50
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: discount so it's early bird registration and we've already sold
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: about half of the tickets today so i'm just saying
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: you better hop on man that's great hop on and
• 6:03
  Speaker 4: get them I didn't even know that.
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: Speaking of our, our first episode is going to be called,
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: we don't talk anymore. And speaking of don't talk anymore, man,
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: we haven't caught up in a while. It's really been brutal. Yeah.
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: So this episode is probably for you and me just
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: as much as it is for everybody else.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I think so. Episode one, we don't talk anymore
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: in our 10 part series. Uh, It's going to be good.
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: But yeah, we're going to call this We Don't Talk Anymore.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: You probably saw the title when you logged on to
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: Spotify or YouTube or Apple or whatever, wherever you get
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: your podcast. Some of you may even use Spreaker, our
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: host platform, our RSS, but I doubt it. Anyway, so
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: most couples don't have a communication problem. We believe they
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: have a connection and safety problem. We were talking the
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: other day, we were doing a premarital with a couple
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: and they scored low in communication and conflict resolution. But
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: when you look at it, some of the things that
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: they're afraid of, it's not, I mean, they're talking and
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: both of them said they were satisfied with how much
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: they communicate with one another. but they're afraid to ask
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: for what they want or they're afraid to bring up
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: some negative topic. And so there's a lack of kind
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: of deeper emotional connection and there's a lack of feeling
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: safe that that partner is truly a safe place to communicate.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: So when was the last time you and your spouse
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: actually talked? And not about the kids, not about money,
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: not about who's picking up somebody. Not about what's happening tomorrow.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Logistics, logistics, logistics.
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah. So we know that it's easy, that life can
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: become about that. And we hear this, and I know
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: we've felt this, that you just become like, you feel
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: like you, maybe not strangers. Sometimes you can be in
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: the same house, sleep in the same bed, raise the
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: same kids, and slowly become strangers. But if not outright strangers...
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: you at least feel like you're just kind of cordial roommates.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: Like you're just housemates. And so that's brutal. And I
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: know that starts eating. I know it's been eating at you,
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: you know, and you'll say, hey, man, I miss you.
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: Or sometimes it'll eat at me and I'll say, hey, sweetheart,
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: I just feel disconnected. And many times it is maybe a,
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: I can't think of the word I'm looking for, but
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: a product maybe of our just, you said logistics, of
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: our schedule. Just sometimes when we're running back and forth
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: to McKinney for weddings, rehearsals and weddings, and then we've
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: got another wedding or you've got a meeting about Evergreen
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: or we've got a little conference meeting we're doing or
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: possibly a board meeting. Yeah, it can get, obviously, people
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: are busy. And we don't even have the ankle biters
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: or the elementary or middle school or high school kids
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: doing all the sports. And that's just nuts. But now,
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: I mean, we've got people swimming in our pool and
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: we're doing guitar and piano lessons and you're meeting people
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: for coffee because you're starting to pick up some speaking engagements.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: So obviously it can just get crazy. But we've got
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: our kids and we've got our grandkids and we like
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: seeing them. So between all that, we have to figure
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: out what is happening when we start to feel like
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: we're drifting apart. And we're just not talking anymore. So
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: some of the things that you and I talked about
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: that we wanted to, do you want to just kind
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: of go down through that list of of kind of
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: what's happening when we start feeling this way and some
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: things we want to discuss today?
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: So I think sometimes it's, like I said, logistics, you're
• 10:07
  Speaker 4: just talking about like from the head, like what's in
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: my head. Let me have a brain dump and just
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: tell you. So you're talking about schedule. You're talking about
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: what's for dinner. You're talking about what's going on tomorrow
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: or when, when we're going to fit all this in.
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: And so it just becomes about what's in my brain,
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: not really what's in my heart. Sometimes it's more of
• 10:29
  Speaker 4: like we're just talking, yapping, but what are we really communicating?
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: So talking versus communicating and hearing each other's heart.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: And sometimes it's like when you're going through, it's like
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: a bullet list. And I know sometimes you feel like
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: you've got to get to the bottom of line with me. Like, man,
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: Brian just want like here, bottom line it for me.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: And like, he's going to be off to the other
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: thing or he's distracted or he's on the, I'm on
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: the time clock. You've said, and I don't want it
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: to be that way, but there's no way you can
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: truly communicate with me when you're just going through bullet
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: lists and when you feel like you're in a hurry.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: So talking versus communicating, listening to respond rather than understand.
• 11:10
  Speaker 4: And so you know, when you feel like you're just
• 11:13
  Speaker 4: in this conversation, you're like, okay, let me just, let
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: me figure out what I'm going to say next. Instead
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: of really hearing, like if I were to listen to
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: you and not just think, what am I going to
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: respond next to him? But what's he trying to say
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: to me? What's he trying to communicate? Let me really
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: listen to this and get underneath, you know, and how
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: I can show him that I'm understanding what he's saying.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: So listening to respond. rather than understand.
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: And one of the things I'll, cause we just taught
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: this to another couple and I think it goes, it,
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: some people would just say, well, that goes without saying,
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: you know, active listening in a marriage. But so many
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: times we've, yeah, we're, we're, we're listening to, you know,
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: I'm thinking about what I'm going to say next, you know,
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: to respond, like you said, other than trying to understand.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: But so many people don't even know like how to listen.
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: And so one of the things you can do is
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: just practice what we call active listening, where For sure,
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: put your phone down. Many of us have that phone
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: in our hands, and that's a constant distraction. So put
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: your phone down that communicates, hey, I'd rather be here
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: than scroll right now. I'd rather be with you. Look
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: them in the eye. Shake your head up and down
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: as if you're listening. Then say back what you're hearing. Hey,
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: and not just what you just said. You just said
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: that you're upset because of something. So what I'm hearing
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: you say is this, and maybe even rephrase what you're hearing.
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: Just practicing... those simple things can make your partner feel
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: a lot more heard.
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: Sometimes I think too, when you do open yourself up
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: to communicate, to, you know, to really listen to each other, that's,
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: it does open up opportunities for some disagreements. You know,
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: there's always going to be that when you're, you know,
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: with another person 24 seven. And so when you begin
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: to disagree and, there just can become this defensiveness where
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: instead of like really, like we talked about listening and,
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: you know, really trying to understand rather than just to respond,
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: we can become defensive with each other. And so that
• 13:20
  Speaker 4: automatically just builds a wall. So I think a lot
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: of times people don't want to communicate because they think,
• 13:26
  Speaker 4: what if we, it's just easier if we don't, because
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: all we're doing is just disagreeing, you know? Yeah. And
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: so that defensiveness can really easily creep up.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: And I remember even just last week, I said, sweetheart,
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: why are you being defensive? And you went, I'm not
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: being defensive. And I go, and I just thought, I said,
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: look at you, like, listen to your tone. But sometimes
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: when I say, don't be defensive, or you tell me, well,
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: don't be defensive, you will say a lot, well, I
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: have to defend myself because I'm being attacked, or you
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: feel like you're being attacked. So Let's just call this couple, oh,
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: John and Susan for grins. They've been married, you know,
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: 20 years. And Susan says, you never listen to me.
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: So what John hears is you're a terrible husband. And
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: then he defends himself. So then Susan gets louder. John
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: shuts down. And then Susan comes to the conclusion, see,
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: you don't care. And that's the cycle that repeats. And
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: one of the things that we've learned to do and
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: try to teach couples is is, is make the cycle,
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: the bad guy, the cycle becomes the enemy, not the
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: other spouse. When you can recognize the cycle you're in.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: And when you, when you do those things, like I
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: bring something up and you get defensive, you know, try
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: to call that out, try to find the patterns, try
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: to find these little cycles that you get in and,
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: you know, defensiveness, getting louder, retreating, shutting down or whatever.
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: But that can cause, you know, John Gottman in his book,
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: The Relationship Cure. But then his latest or one of
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: his latest is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: He talks about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: if you're showing defensiveness, if you're stonewalling, if you're showing contempt,
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: Or if you're, let's see, contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: He's basically saying you are leading, you are heading for divorce.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: Like there's no way you can cheat that. And defensiveness is,
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: and then that turning into stonewalling, those are so common.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: So kind of watch yourself on that. And so if
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: you see yourself in one of those cycles, even y'all
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: get together, put your heads together and say, hey, we've
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: got an enemy. And it's this cycle that we're in
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: instead of making your spouse the bad guy.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 15:57
  Speaker 4: I think that's so important to, and you, we're going
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: to talk about this in a minute, but when you
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: are both, you know, when the argument or when the
• 16:06
  Speaker 4: conversation gets maybe a little bit heated, someone's defensive, someone's
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: placing blame, you're bringing up the past or whatever. I
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: think what can happen is you can easily move from, Hey,
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: we're on the same team. All of a sudden you,
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: you're enemies and you're in this defensive posture and you
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: are fighting each other instead of exactly what you said.
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: If you think about it like, man, there's something deeper
• 16:35
  Speaker 4: than what's happening with us. This isn't about you. This
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: really isn't about me. There's something else going on. And
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: so I love that when you think about that cycle
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: of the arguments that pop up, like this is a
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: cycle that you both can kind of tackle together and say, hey,
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: neither one of us wants to be in this place.
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: You know, we both, let's come together and figure out
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: how to work through this cycle instead of thinking. what
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: happens is like, I get my feelings hurt from you.
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: And so then I start bringing up things or saying
• 17:10
  Speaker 4: things to you that have nothing to do with the
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: price of beans in China.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: It has nothing to do with what.
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: We were just talking about, but it's just the first
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: thing that comes to my mind. Like I want to
• 17:19
  Speaker 4: hurt him too, because he's hurting me. And so then
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: it becomes, what are we even communicating about? So you're
• 17:26
  Speaker 4: off to the races in some bigger argument that really
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: could have been diffused early on when you could really say, Hey, Hey, hey,
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: I love you.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: We're on the same team. Let's start over.
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: You mentioned one bringing up the past and that's what,
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: that's why some couples aren't talking anymore is because they're
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: afraid that something is going to be brought up like,
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: Oh my God, here we go again. Like you're bringing
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: that up again. And especially I hear men say this
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: because a lot of times conflicts aren't resolved. You have
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: these things that are unresolved. And then the woman as
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: according to Shanti Feldhahn is like, you know, keeping that
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: pop-up window up. It's, it's just minimized. It's never hitting
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: the red box to close it. It's just minimized, but
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: it's running in the background. And so when something comes up,
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: she's going to bring up the past and he's thinking,
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: oh my gosh, that again, here we go, here we go.
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: And so that's one of the things that can shut down.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: So that's why it's so important to try to close
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: something out and to come to some resolve in conflict.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: Another one is assuming that you know what your spouse means.
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: It's like, yada, yada. I've heard this before. It's not
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: even just bringing up the past. Like, I know how
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: you think. I know who you are. And that's especially
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: for couples who've been married like, you know, 10, 15,
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: 20 years. It's easy to think you've got your spouse
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: pegged and you know how they are based on history.
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: And I get it. But that's why we talk about
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: being curious. Man, you're changing. You're evolving. Like our life
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: has changed us. I mean, look what we're doing right now.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: And we're both responding differently to that. And it's creating
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: someone new. And so I need to not assume that
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: I know what you're thinking when you start communicating about anything.
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: Or what that I already know, you know, what you
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: mean or what you're thinking about or what's bothering you
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: or what have you.
• 19:21
  Speaker 4: So what you, I think that was one of the,
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: I guess if you want to call it a rule for,
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: you know, helping to communicate better with your spouse in
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: a more healthy way was don't assume anything.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Intent from whatever their behavior was. Don't just assume.
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: And I would think another one is, and you and
• 19:43
  Speaker 4: I have, have bumped up against this a lot, but
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: don't try to solve a problem when you're emotionally flooded.
• 19:51
  Speaker 4: And so a lot of times we can tell all
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: of a sudden we're talking about something and the emotions
• 19:56
  Speaker 4: start ramping up and other things are getting brought into it.
• 20:00
  Speaker 4: And then you're not even talking about what the problem
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: at hand at hand is anymore. And so it just
• 20:07
  Speaker 4: can become so elevated and just off the rails quickly. So, um,
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: you know, I think something that you and I have
• 20:15
  Speaker 4: learned and try to incorporate into coaching with other couples
• 20:20
  Speaker 4: and intensives that we do with people is how to unplug,
• 20:24
  Speaker 4: how to, you know, let's, Hey, you know what?
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: I love you. I love you too.
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: We're going to unplug from this conversation because when your
• 20:31
  Speaker 4: nervous system is just jacked up and you're like fight
• 20:35
  Speaker 4: or flight and you're like bowed up, that's never going
• 20:38
  Speaker 4: to go well. And so unplug, you know, come away,
• 20:43
  Speaker 4: go spend some time like deep breaths, be outside, you know, pray,
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: whatever it is that you need to do to get
• 20:52
  Speaker 4: your nervous system kind of back to a level to
• 20:55
  Speaker 4: where then you can come back together. So it's not
• 20:58
  Speaker 4: just saying, you know what.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: Forget it. Yeah, forget it. I'm done. I'm done.
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: And slamming doors and leaving the conversation. But you remind
• 21:06
  Speaker 4: each other, hey, I love you.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: I love you.
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: I'm not going anywhere.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Let's unplug and we'll come back and revisit this later.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: So these are things that couples do and I know
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: we've done. And so I want to say those again.
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: So one rule, don't solve a problem while you're emotionally flooded.
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: And don't assume intent from behavior. Um, another there's, there's
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: two more that I'm thinking about that will just shut
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: down communication. Um, one is sending mixed signals. It's in
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: when the spouse is getting mixed messages, like your verbal
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: is not matching your verbal. Hey, sweetheart, is everything, are you,
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: are you okay? Oh, fine. I'm fine. And you say
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: fine like that, where you can obviously see they're not fine,
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: but they say fine. So we have to learn to
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: be honest. No, I'm not fine. And here's why. So
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: that'll keep the conversation going. And then why I think
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: couples eventually stop bringing anything up. There's one that's they
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: they're vulnerable in a moment. And then the spouse uses
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: that vulnerability as ammunition later. And that's something. So so
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: if we had to, you know, I mean, that's just
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: that is a killer.
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah. And I think you never want to open up again.
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: I don't I feel so unsafe. I'm so hurt. It'll
• 22:24
  Speaker 4: be a while till I feel like I can open
• 22:26
  Speaker 4: back up again.
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: I've said it. You've said it. And I've heard so
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: many couples say it's like, man, I was vulnerable. I
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: opened up to you. And then you use that against
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: me later on in a fight. And so don't solve
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: a problem while you're emotionally flooded. Don't assume intent from behavior.
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: Don't use vulnerability as ammunition later. And don't send mixed
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: signals or mixed messages. So let's give everybody... a challenge.
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: We talked about the old 10 minute challenge that we
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: could give everyone as we do these, uh, as we
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: do this little series, this, uh, over the next couple
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: of months. So first of all, a 10 minute conversation.
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: Everybody's heard us talk about our vision meeting.
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: And the thing about our vision meeting, there's no phones.
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: We sit down, we connect on personal home and business.
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: We pray over each other. We pray for one another.
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: We pray with one another. Uh, but again, So in
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: this 10 minute conversation, guys, 10 minutes this week, that's
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: all we're asking. This is your challenge. No phones for
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: 10 minutes, no TV. And each spouse answers three questions.
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: Number one, what's something you've appreciated about me lately?
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's good. That's very good.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: Two, what's something you've been carrying that I may not realize?
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: And men, you got to open up on this one.
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: Don't act like you got it. I got it.
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: I'm good.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: I'm good. No, you're not. And is there anything you
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: need more of from me? Man, you want to talk
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: about just going there and being vulnerable and that into
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: me see. This is going to create intimacy. So no phones,
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: no TV, 10 minutes. What's something you've appreciated about me lately?
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: What's something you've been carrying that I may not realize?
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: And three, is there anything you need more of? from me?
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: Those are great questions. And I think it's just to
• 24:24
  Speaker 4: remember too, that as you go through this, this is
• 24:27
  Speaker 4: a new conversation. This is a new style of communication
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: that you're setting up. So no defending, no trying to
• 24:35
  Speaker 4: fix it.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: Just listen.
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: So try not to defend, try not to interject, try
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: not to go, but what, well, what, you know, no fixing,
• 24:44
  Speaker 4: you're listening. You're opening up a safe space to begin communicating.
• 24:49
  Speaker 3: So basically no interruption. When you're talking, you talk, when
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: they're talking, you let them talk and it's going to
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: be so hard. Just bite your tongue. So one of
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: the things that we're going to say throughout this series
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: is your spouse doesn't need you to win the argument.
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: They need to know they're still on the same team
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: with you. You guys are not lining up as, as
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: offense and defense. You're on the same team. You're in
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: the huddle together. You're on the same team, your partners,
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: your friends, your, I say, your allies, never adversaries. So
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: you're on the same team.
• 25:25
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: Have the 10 minute conversation. And why don't we just
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: leave you with that challenge? And what letters is challenge
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: begin with? See ya.