Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 118: Why You Have an Unhealthy Relationship with Work (The Science Behind It)

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118: Why You Have an Unhealthy Relationship with Work (The Science Behind It) · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like the past maybe two years, I've been having such deep conversations with so many women, clients, friends.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a lot of us are having clarity.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're being awakened, understanding that our identity is not just work.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Even for me, it's been liberating when I realize hold on.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: As in first gen Asian American immigrant, I don't need to be the best.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And trust me, my child of immigrant voice is like, what you saying?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean you don't have to be the best?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I've learned to embrace enough, not just in my business, but in my life.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And even for my own clients, whether they're a business owner or executive, they're embracing, unlearning, relearning the power of pause to learn how to be content and at peace so they can truly enjoy their full life.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, as a coach, I am having this conversation often.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: But for you, the listener, who you might be walking right now, driving, doing some errands, and you are feeling alone and you saw this podcast title, and I was like, I want to know what's up.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to let you know, you are not alone because so many feel this way to produce.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to talk about the why, the science, and more importantly, how and why it's important to break that cycle of rust.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: All right, grab your coffee, tea, or boba, and let's drop the beat.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I got my bachelor's in cognitive sciences.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know what that is, it is the study of how we think, feel, and make decisions, the study of the brain.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about the science of why it's hard for us to stop working and how rest can help.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first off, orc gives us a dopamine hit, which is our brain's reward chemical.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know that feeling when you check off your list and you're like, yes, girl, you deserve that matcha break.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna lie, that's usually me like at 2, 3 p.m.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And when we want more of those dopamine hits, we want more of it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the catch it becomes a cycle, a cycle where you get caught up on.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I was caught up on that.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was caught up on the next big project, hitting a number, a title, a salary.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And not because it was always meaningful, but because my brain got used to that hardwired addiction.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, Elaine, you're so good.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Good job, Elaine.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ugh.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And as the oldest daughter, firstborn in this country, I'll admit it, I was chasing it.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: That good job, Elaine, the straight A's in grade school.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: The Elaine, I could always depend on you, but that also meant working late hours, having a lack of boundaries.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sharing this because I know you relate.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I know that because I have this conversation all the time with clients and people I speak to, even friends.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And second, this leads to, you know, maybe, maybe I'm gonna warn you, maybe you're like me.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want to remind you, you have agency and choice.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're not feeling all this, you're like, oh no, Elaine, I don't relate, then you can stop listening to this episode.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I just share this because I work with a lot of overachievers, recovering overachievers.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I realize, oh, I'm addicted to chronic stress.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like your body is used to a deadline, a conflict, using pressure to just keep it together.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And what that means is your body goes into fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode, this survival response.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this can happen when you're dead focused on a project at work.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like a few weeks ago, I was so focused on a pitch to 50 doctors, dentists.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I made sure to take that week really light.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't realize, oh my gosh, after that pitch, I crashed like for four days.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean crash, like I just I was so tired.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I will also say I was on my period when that happened.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So hormones kicked in too.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's similar to, you know, in college or high school, how you would crash after finals.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I'm using work and school as an example, but I have also caught this in non-work-related situations.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm boiling water and I have to wait 10 minutes.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that means I have time to put the dishes away to do this, this, and this, and I'm not completely present.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then the water spills over in the pot.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, this has happened to me, but I'm just sharing because it might relate to you.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had to remind myself to slow down.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you know if this might be you?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you might notice that you're feeling wired but tired, snapping at people you love, even though you don't mean to, and always wanting to be busy because you really don't want to feel that real anxiety.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not your fault.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us grew up in environments where rest was not modeled because our parents, our family, had to survive.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, as the oldest, as a first-gen immigrant, my parents were always working.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I saw survival meant producing, not pausing.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you're like me, you're just overstimulated, wired for survival, but it's also possible to unlearn it.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to share, I am not blaming our parents, I'm not blaming our family.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: They did what they had to, and now this is just a new generation of okay, what can we unlearn, relearn, and give gratitude to that?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, how can we unlearn how to not be codependent on working?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a book I consistently raw on in this podcast is Rest is Resistance by Trisha Hershey, the nap minister.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, she's the nap minister.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And she teaches people how to take a nap, how to rest, because when you do that, you actually give yourself space and time to listen to what you need.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why we don't do that is so often that means realizing we're unhappy at a job, realizing a certain relationship is not healthy for us.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we get scared and we use work to just not feel all that or to to create that change.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And when you pause and breathe for a few breaths, you activate, here's the science behind it, your free prefrontal cortex to help you with one self-awareness, two, emotional regulation, and three, meaning making.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when your default mode network, the DMN, kicks in when you're not doing anything productive and your brain starts creating new ideas, making deep connections and processing who you really are.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I MC'd for HR Retail a couple of months ago, and I made sure for those for that week I rested.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And oh my gosh, because I rested and I was so present, I was cracking jokes.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your girl was funny.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had to think of songs before coffee breaks.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: One of them, I was like, okay, I'm sorry, we did not have the budget for espresso, but we're gonna drop the beat with espresso by Sabrina Carpenter.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or I even started, I did, I started the MC gig because I believe it was like that weekend it was gonna be the Beyonce concert in LA.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I had one of the Beyonce songs go go out, and and then I came in and I was like, I know you're all disappointed, Beyonce isn't here.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: We just didn't have the budget, so you have me.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not like I even scripted that perfectly.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was just completely present and I made sure to give myself spaciousness and rest, and just the amount of opportunities that has happened since then has been incredible.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been more mindful of this unlearning and relearning the past two years.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm committed to doing Muay Thai, Thai kickboxing, taking, I know this is crazy, a busy time, but 9:30 a.m.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: to 12 p.m.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: off at least three to four times a week to work out, have lunch, take a shower.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just allowed me to be so present.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: I realized my best leadership ideas and connections happen when I'm resting.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Even today, I'm I'm recording this podcast.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I just had lunch with a friend that I mean, the most stressful thing today was LA traffic, which you know what?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have learned to embrace LA traffic, driving down the 405, because I'm like, ooh, what podcast am I listening to or music?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm right now, I'm currently listening to the new Justin Bieber album.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Amazing.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I actually recommend 1010.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm not a huge fan, but I'm Filipino and it like has this RB soul like into it.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: But anyways, let's go back.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go back.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know this episode is so good.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, how can I get more of this?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have a newsletter that comes out every Thursday that's free, fun, and full of real talk.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's a live journal Zanga on leadership and life with actual scripts, behind the scenes stories, and lessons from mistakes I've made so you don't have to for work and life.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just go to elanelu.com forward slash join.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-L-A-I-N-E-L-O-U.com forward slash join.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: All right, back to the episode.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: But when you rest, realizing that you have an identity beyond work, and I've just learned to live life deliciously.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm just gonna warn you, let's talk about the pressure to prove.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I had this since I was born, this pressure to prove.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: The first house I lived in, I was born into, was my grandmother's home with my dad, mom, uncle, and aunt.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: I felt that I was their American dream after they left Philippines from poverty.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you've heard things like I've heard.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Elaine, you need to study, work hard, don't be lazy.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then when they got really upset with me, you know, in the Philippines, we didn't have all this food.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: You have this ability to have an education.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And they weren't wrong.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, I'm not blaming my parents, they did their best.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: But also, there's always like a light and shadow side.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: The shadow side of this, it created a loop where I equated worth to output.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we think if I'm not doing something, I'm falling behind.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: If I rest, I let my people down the generations before me.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that was a lot of pressure I put on myself.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if I stop, I'll lose momentum.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the truth: you are not successful depending on how fast you delete and respond in your inbox.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, you know what I'm just gonna say.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am ashamed of how many unread emails I haven't gone through and deleted.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are more than your title, and your calendar does not define you.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So who are you in between those white spaces and between those meetings?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, because I've given myself more spaciousness in the past years, I realized, oh my gosh, I am funny.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember years ago, it was actually 2020, so five years ago when I'm recording this podcast, I was working with a coach and I told them, I'm working so much all the time, but I'm not funny anymore.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not having fun.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I know when I have a life beyond work is when I'm I'm just cracking jokes.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: So this all leads to the solution that rest is a leadership strategy.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Rest is not a privilege.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: It is right.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Rest is not rewarded after finishing something in your to-do list.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Rest allows you to gain more clarity, direction, and aligned action.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens when you rest?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'll give myself as a case study.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm more present.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, sorry, that was my phone.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: It just alerted because it's telling you that you should listen.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm more present.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: I want first place in a pitch competition because I basically took that week or two weeks down to slow down.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm making better decisions.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when I do my thai, I always think about each week what's the one thing I need to work on.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like I keep having my hand, someone called me out last week, which I appreciate.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: I keep having my hand down before I do a jab.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it gives away I'm about to do a jab when in reality I just need to punch forward for a jab.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that has translated to my personal life and work.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is one thing I need to do better?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And in my work, I was like, oh, I need, I need to mobilize my, I need to optimize my mobile part of my website.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been getting more sales calls scheduled.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then in my personal life, I'm like, oh, I've been reading more.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's been fabulous.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like just having more intention to do that and take the time to journal.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And what else happens when you rest?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: You lead with fullness and not depletion.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: My energy just feels amazing lately.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I find myself attracting more opportunities as opposed to feeling so worn out.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know how the hell I did it eight years ago.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was hustling.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, mind you, in the beginning, no one really talks about this, but in the beginning, you do kind of need to, I'm gonna air quote, hustle to figure it out.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: But then I realized how I scaled was when I rest and paused more, looking at things, asking myself hard questions, like does this business, does this life align with me?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And asking myself that two years ago, I was able to be really intentional, but that was hard conversations I had to have with myself.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I have hard questions to ask you.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to be a leader who performs or who is present?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to be a friend or loved one who is consistently tired or is present?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: So before we end here, a few questions to journal and reflect on.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably gonna want to see the timestamp right now because you're probably gonna want to play it back because these are five powerful questions you could ask.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, when do I feel most like myself without needing to perform?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, what am I afraid I'll feel or notice if I stop working?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, that one's so good.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, whose voice is in my head when I feel guilty for resting?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And hey, it's okay if it's your parents or family.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, it's not blaming them.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: They worked really hard so that we could have the life we have.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth, what did rest look like in my home or culture growing up?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And fifth, what version of me is emerging when I slow down?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I I love that last question because I feel like I'm really living it, the emerging when I slow down.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, this is such a very simple example.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: On Saturday, we had plans to hang out with friends, and I was like, oh, in between like working out in Muay Thai, I could clean the restroom and then go there.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, wait, I was having a conversation with myself.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I doing that?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's tiring.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I just like wait until the next day?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I trying to add more to my plate?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Even that has been so great.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want to shout out, you know, this is this was not like a self-made experience and transformation.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Just grateful for my therapist, my mentors that have helped me, my partner who has called me in, asked me, like, what are you trying to do the most?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, You're right.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And a question I asked myself is, how can I do the least?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do to honor me?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: You were taught to survive, but you're allowed to live and thrive, and you don't have to earn your worth, you're already worthy, and leadership, real leadership, it's a presence, not just performance.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone, send them a little message on why this resonated with you and how it may resonate with them.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if you loved this episode, leave a five-star rating and review so other recovering overachievers like you can find this podcast episode.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: So we can remind everyone to take a breath and slow down so we could all just be and if you're ready to break the cycle to lead, live, and rest differently, I'd love to support you.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can schedule a call with me to see if it's good fit to work together at ElaineLou.com forward slash call.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-L-A-I-N-E at L O U.com forward slash call.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or just click on the link in the show notes.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, you're not behind.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're becoming good.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk to you soon.