Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 74: Offended? Check your boundaries

Transcript

Episode 74: Offended? Check your boundaries · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: This is Jenna Zint.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Yep, that's true.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Rumors are true.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Okay, y'all, I'm just gonna have to warn you, I am in an odd mood.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: I'm super energetic.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: My grandma used to say I mean, you know that I've been this way my whole life, when I remember when I'd be like nine to 15 and I would be extra silly or rambunctious or whatever, and she'd say someone's really full of themselves and I always thought that meant arrogant.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: But when I asked her more, she was like, no, you just literally like bubbling over with Eunice.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Today I was like, oh sorry, mic drop moment apparently.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Anyways, today is like that.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: It might be a full of me moment, we'll see.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: So, if you don't know, my husband and I have a relationship podcast.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: It's called Marriage Lab, because a lot of what we talk about applies to marriage or we've uncovered it with marriage, but it is also just a lot of general relationship tools and concepts and such.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: So we just did an episode that I'd highly recommend you go listen to and it's about offense.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: So this one kind of piggybacks off of that.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: You don't have to listen to that one to get that, but that might be a nice little prelude, or even afterwards.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: But to me, what I've realized in coaching, I would say I actually met with a new client this week.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Y'all, I probably average around 12 clients a week.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: This week I've had 17.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: That's a lot.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I think I have hit my emotional capacity.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: But anyways, I met with a new client this week and she was like what do life coaches actually do?
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, that's actually probably something I could talk more about.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: This is not what the episode's about.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: The episode's about a different topic, but my point is I would say that maybe half of my coachings come back to helping someone realize that they need a boundary.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: I think the difference in nuances.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: A lot of times when people say boundaries, there's this one size fits all and it's like I'm cutting them out of my life or getting space from them.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: But I actually think there's a thousand nuances of boundaries.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I think of it like yeah, so we're kind of going to dive into because I was like, oh, I actually.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: So I do this in coaching all the time, helping people recognize like, oh, you actually passed a value you have.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Like you passed a limit that you have or what you had to give or people you did that out of.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: You said yes out of people pleasing, but you actually weren't able to like cash that check without it becoming bitterness, like bummer.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: But what are we going to do differently next time?
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: So I think so much of those are boundaries and it's not you're out of my life, you're in my life, you're my friend, you're not my friend.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: It's more of like, oh, I can say yes to group hangouts, but one-on-ones don't really work for me.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Or you guys, I have so many nuances, examples of boundaries in my life.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: There are certain friends that I'll meet at parks but I won't have them come to my house because I actually get triggered and anxious.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: I call them non-leaving friends.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Like stayers is what I used to deem them.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Only Aaron and I have ever chatted about this.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: It's not a conversation anybody would be aware of, but I actually literally get anxious when people don't pick up my cues for them to leave.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Or there's a stayer to actually be qualified as a stayer, I'll have to be like, hey, we're going to wrap up because we have something to do, so we've loved hanging out with you, this is the end and they won't leave.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: Maybe you've never experienced that.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: I've literally had people be like, oh, it's fine, you go do your errands, we'll just hang out here still.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Anyways, that's a few amount, but that would be an example of like.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: There is a short list of people that I like as people, but they can't come to my house because I feel anxious that they will not leave or end when I need them to end.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: So I have to be able to remove myself from the situation.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: But I can actually still have them in my life.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: The boundary is that it doesn't work for them to come to my house anymore, but what I don't have is maliciousness or unkindness or and I'm not anxious hanging out with them anymore.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: So I think most people don't understand how many different subtle adjustments like a boundary almost just feels like a smidge of a behavior edit in this relationship, so that I'm not bitter or offended Like oh.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: So my point of all that is I wanted to do an episode because so much of my life coaching is actually helping people notice that they cross some kind of a line and they need to have a different edit in that relationship, a boundary, if you will.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: But for me, what I realized after doing the offense episode that we did last week on Marriage Lab is how often my clue or cue that I need a boundary adjustment or like a behavior edit or relationship adjustment, whatever you want to call a boundary is when offense or bitterness keeps popping up in me, and I think that's probably maybe a surprise to most people.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: So I was like, ooh, it'd be fun to unpack that idea.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: So this episode is bitterness or a boundary, what your offense is trying to tell you To kind of unpack, I would say, maybe like offense or bitterness.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Like when that's happening.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: I think of it is when I find myself stewing over interaction, replaying something someone said or didn't say, when it felt off, when I thought there was like I don't know, not like inferred expectations or unvocalized expectations, but then I felt punished afterwards and I'm like, wow, something must have been off.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: But because where we started, where we ended up, like I do not, the facts that were on the table or the words that were said don't align, so like what's off, anyway.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: So when any of those things happen stewing, replaying or even like practicing what I should have said or could have said I know I'm not alone in this, you guys, you cannot pretend like you haven't done this or even thinking like the next time I see them I'll be ready for this rebuttal or that comeback or, you know, harsh or sarcasm.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: That is my clue now, like if I do any of those that list, oh, I'm offended.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, but the thing for me, offense isn't just about.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I think where most people get stuck is not offenses happening in me.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: They offended me versus I am offended, and that sounds so subtle, but really I think that's a huge tell of I am offended is an ownership language for me which I sometimes people get annoyed when I edit, like when I'm doing coaching, I'm like no, no to me.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: It's a heart posture where I have to do this to myself.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: It is not natural.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: I'll be like they offended me or how dare they, and I'm like, ooh, I am offended and I changed the verbiage to do some ownership again.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Where, like, offense is happening in me, I'm actually going to pause pointing the finger and looking at them because actually I can do something entirely about what's happening inside of me.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: So my first thing is, instead of saying they offended me or this is what they did, I am offended.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: Offense is happening in me.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: That's like some ownership language.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: But offense isn't just, again, about what someone else did.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: It's often about something I didn't notice in myself.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: So I think I've been doing this long enough that when I get offended I'm like, oh okay, offense is happening.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: Now I've, like you know, when you do equation enough like you learned your like multiplication table in middle school and you're like seven times seven, 49.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: And I was about to do more and I was like I don't actually remember what seven times eight is off hand.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: I think it's 56.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, don't quote me, but at one point you had your multiplication.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I'm actually embarrassed.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I did not realize I didn't have all of.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: I take ownership and say I'm offended versus what they did, that I know that that means I've crossed a boundary internally, like a value I had got disregarded and I went like bypassed it or a limit I had.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I blue passed a limit or there was a clarification needed and I didn't get it.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: And then we ended up in this weird, almost like we all tripped into this and you're like this is not like, how did we end up here?
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: So I think of it like now I noticed like I've crossed a boundary.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I missed saying a no, there was an unspoken limit that I didn't know I needed, and what I've wanted to do in this episode is actually walk through how I uncover what that boundary is.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: So nowadays, when I notice offense is happening, like again offense, a cue that you're offended is when you're looping, replaying, defending, noticing all the things they did wrong, like, oh.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: So your first point is to then say I am offended.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: And then your next point is to be like when I'm offended, that means that I crossed some level of a value or limit or need I had and I wasn't aware.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: So then I almost think of it.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: This is hilarious, I think of it.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: Then, instead of being in the courtroom, I'm doing like imagine yourself putting on your archeologist wear, which I'm sure we all have.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I'm also reading a science fiction book about dinosaur bones right now.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: So this is probably where their archaeology metaphor came in strong in this episode.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: But imagine you go from the courtroom to practicing what they did or you said and rehearsing to archaeology mode where you're like oh, actually that means that a boundary happened or a need was missed or a limit was bypassed.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I'm actually going to go get way more curious and this is kind of the.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I wrote down the steps and thoughts, patterns and the questions.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: I asked myself to be an archeologist to uncover what that limit was, what that value was, what the need was that I crossed.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: That has then produced a fence inside of me.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: So I just wanted to walk you through some of the questions I asked myself when I feel a fence flare up.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: And again, the point is not to blame anyone, but to get really clear, take ownership and realign or be aware, self-aware of things that you're like oh, that's a value for me.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: I hadn't articulated that's a need before, but I think that is actually a long-term need that I have for or sorry, a need I have in long-term close friendships.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I never articulated it.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Now I know no problem.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: What am I going to do about knowing that?
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of times, most of the time, we have offense happening because people ask something or require something, but the reality is you've never articulated that value or limit or boundary for yourself, even so nuanced.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: So it's not fair, it's like someone walking on hidden mines.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: But again, this is ownership language.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: So I'm like oh, I'm going to get more curious about what I'm uncovering internally so that then I can set myself and friends up better for success.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so again, part one offense is a clue, not a verdict.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Like I said, getting out of the courtroom, offense is often like we talked about in our episode, when pain hardens.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: So when pain spoils and it's not processed for healing, oh, okay, like something else needs to be dug up here.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: If I start thinking, things like these are phrases for me that indicate like oops, I'm staying in offense.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: And verdict mode is they should have known.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: How dare they?
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: That is my cue or that was too much for them to ask Like, oh, actually I bypassed.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm offended.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Oh, that means I bypassed a boundary.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Oh, let's go get more curious about what boundary, value, limit or need I had.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: That I was not able to articulate or didn't stand up for in that moment, because it's like Jenna's the only one who can say, hey, no, that doesn't work for me and kindly, like, I don't have to be reactionary.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: I can be so warm, but like no one else can actually know my internal limits, my values, differences of personality, like that's a me job and I actually want to be an expert at these things, not so that there's like so many codes to be my friend, like you have to text before you show up and then you have to knock twice and then say, hey, no problem, you know, like whatever like to enter my house without me being annoyed, you're there, that's what I'm getting at.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: I'm getting at more of like oh, actually I can keep my love on, I can still manage myself.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: And this is where, like, my pure heart flourishes within these kind of like these general ideas is where flourishing connection happens.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, so, instead of spiraling into judgment, when I notice offense happening, I say what happened in the most recent interaction that felt painful or off?
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: So again, almost I ask where did I lose it?
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Where did I lose my pain?
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: And maybe sometimes I'm like well, I knew I was mad by here.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I'm like great, that's almost not helpful.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Like that's the end.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: I want to get more curious about the beginning, like where did I miss?
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: Where did the first?
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: When did it start going to right or taking a left turn?
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: So I actually will think back like, oh, okay.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: So I knew I was mad then.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: But probably at this point in the conversation when they it sounded like they were making an assumption like actually great example, we started subleasing our office that my coaching to another friend who uses it Thursday or Tuesday through Friday, so I don't have.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: I only do in-person ones on the weekends.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: And on Monday and yesterday he was texting about getting a new chair which I knew he wanted to me and my husband.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: We were in a group message but he was sending a ton of pictures and at first okay, I'm just gonna be honest I was like a little annoyed.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: After a whole day of getting I was like why is he being so neat, like subconscious thoughts, you guys, just being honest, I was like why is he sending me these texts?
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: This feels needy, this feels like a lot.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: And then I realized like, oh, so this would be an example of like I think there's something he's going off of, some assumption.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: He thinks we need this information.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: How about that?
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Why does he think we need this information?
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: And I was like what could be the possible outcomes, rather than acting like I know?
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh he, I wonder if he either thinks we're going to split the cost of this chair, or if he's being considerate because he's subleasing and the aesthetics that we already have.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: And I was like my old self would have maybe guessed.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: But nowadays I was like, okay, I'm going to do a really like kind, gentle text and I just texted I'm wondering if you were thinking we were, you were, were you're sending us pictures of the chairs because you were thinking that we would split the cost or therefore you wanted us to have a vote, or if you're being considerate with the room decor.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt purposely and I'm saying I'm wondering if.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: But the difference, I'm shocked at how often bitterness and offense have coming and when I'm going back to figure out where the situation went awry or was painful.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: It's an example like this where there wasn't clarity of what his motivation was and I just assumed and it went sideways.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: So I've gotten really good at when I'm like wait, I'm kind of confused at your behavior.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: It's rooted in something, but I don't know.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: And instead of assuming I know or letting the baby behavior continue, I will risk a little bit of awkward with kind and not crazy direct or blunt or judgment for it Be like hey, I'm not sure where this is like this is coming from.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Could you help me understand?
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: And it was so helpful because then he was like so kind he's, like oh my gosh, I just wanted to be so thoughtful.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: No, I know I is a me thing, so I'm going to foot the bill.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: I just wanted to make sure you guys felt like it matched your office decor.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: And then instantly I was like oh, I no longer feel annoyed that he sent me, or he sent us, 10 pictures of office chairs.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: I'm now because I got clarity of what was happening.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: It instantly was like how kind of him.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: He was trying to be so thoughtful.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: So then I was able to clearly communicate like hey, I appreciate.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Like actually affirmed.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: I was like thank you so much for being thoughtful.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: I feel we feel really cared for in you doing that as long.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: And then I just told him I was like hey, as long as it's solid and a basic chair color, I'm fine with you picking whatever.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: And he was like oh, great, I won't send you any more photos.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: And it was just so this moment of like oh, what's happening here?
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: And so often interactions go awry because there's a point of confusion where it was assumed motives or the behavior you're not sure of where it was coming from, but instead of like kind of pausing the flow, we just let it go, and that's where it goes sideways.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: So my point of this, though, is when I'm asking where did it become painful or where did it start getting off, how often like confusion or uncertainty is in there, and instead of asking like hey, I was curious, like why you asked that or what does that mean Again, I actually usually don't say it that bluntly, because that could trigger people but like would you help me?
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I was, I'm not quite tracking with your question.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Could you tell me what information you're hoping to find, so that I'm on the same page with you, or something like that?
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: So there's so much more kind ways, but I think a lot of times I'm noticing how often offense creeps, like when we're looking for the point of origin, when the dialogue, the conversation, the interaction went awry.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: It's not just painful, there's some unvocalized expectations or confusion that we don't stop and ask for more clarity, and then it just goes sideways.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so, anyways, that is the question that helps me kind of look at the origin story.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I'm like where did this first go awry.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: And again, I think the next thing that I do is kind of look for the emotions that I felt from that, like from the takeaway.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: I think we've chatted.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: My husband and I have said it so many times that we think our emotions are not absolute truths or verdicts of people's character.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: Like our emotions happen to us Sometimes I think it's like a chemical reaction happening in me and it gives me data.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: It gives me almost like a check engine light that I need to stop and look under the hood.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: But to me I'm like my emotions are probably protecting a value I have, a need I have or a limit I have.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: So if I'm experiencing anger, guilt, shame, offense, outrage, frustration, disdain, contempt, I'm.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: This is information.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: This is data.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: This is not true.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: These people are not.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: This person is not outrageous.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: They are not in of themselves, an identity.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: They are not frustration.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: They are not content like to be full of contempt.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: This is happening in me, but there's indication that something like what is what is my emotion trying to tell me about?
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: What I value, what I need, what my experience or interpretation of their words or this situation is so, based on that, like okay, so that's where the so again, look back, where did it first go awry?
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: In that moment I'm like, oh, what did I feel when that happened?
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: Like when they?
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: So when I was replaying something I had recently with a friend and I was caught myself looping and I was like, okay, let's be an archaeologist, jenna, you're just replaying all the ways that you could have defended yourself, or the next time you see that person you're going to say it differently.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: That is offense.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: You are offended.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: Let's get out of the courtroom.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: Put on our archaeologist.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Let's go dig where the point of conception of pain, where did this all go right?
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: And then I'm like, oh, pause the tape, it's right there.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: When that, when you were voluntold for that, when that person voluntold you on someone else's behalf and you were spoken for that is where the pain happened.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, cool, what was the pain?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: What emotion was I experiencing?
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: I felt anger of being voluntold for responsibility.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I felt sad because I would like to have given my own.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: I probably felt some guilt that I didn't have more margin for, like the person who voluntold me, I would have loved to have the capacity to do everything they said I could have done, but I really didn't.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: So I felt a little bit of guilt about what I had to offer versus what they said I would be able to offer to the other person was different.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: So I just noticed my okay, all those emotions were happening.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Then the next layer, deeper, instead of sometimes people can camp in, they should never have asked, or how dare they?
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Voluntold me and I'm like, actually, what boundary of mine was crossed in that moment and for me, partly like, oh, I feel gosh, a little, maybe controlled, and I felt a little disrespected and maybe a little taken advantage of.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh okay, why was that happening?
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: Again, I don't get curious, like when I point the finger I lose.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: We're going to archaeologist mode where it's like, you know, they just dig subtly.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: They keep like digging till they think they spot something and they have to change their tools to be a little more subtle, like instead of like a big.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I actually don't know what archaeologists use.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Does someone write me in?
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: I'm pretending you know how in radio shows someone write it.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I'm sure I'm going to get some email telling me fact checking me how it was wrong.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: And I was about to say that I was like no one emails me when I'm wrong.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: I could say wrong things.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: No, I'm kidding Wrong things all the time.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: But let's just pretend that archaeologists use bulldozers at the first, and then they switch to shovels when they get closer to the actual bones and they switch to hand I don't know like trowels, and then eventually they switch to what is it that we always see Like paintbrushes, because they get really like, the closer they get the softer, and how they have to change their tool.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: That's the mental image I want you to think of when you're trying to actually get to the like Ooh, I know what happened and we're using the bulldozer up here, but actually, oh, I'm getting a little more settled.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: So, underneath the emotions, I'm going to switch gears again and be like Ooh, which boundary did it cross?
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay, I didn't say like I actually, probably when I was voluntold.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: Why didn't I speak up right then?
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Because I think it's so easy to camp in.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: They shouldn't have spoken for me, or they said yes, and then it turned into a no, I care less, like so much less.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: I have to remind myself this Don't worry, guys, I'm not perfect that it does not actually matter what they do.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: I'm curious about where I went awry.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Where did I?
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: I think of it this way miss a no that I should have given.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: Like where did I bypass a no I had and not vocalize it?
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: And in that moment I'm like, oh, actually, that should have been a no One.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: I don't enjoy being spoken for.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: I actually really love being generous.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: This is one of the things I've found in my butt when I've been an archaeologist for offense and figured out some values in myself as a person.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: I love being generous.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: I don't like being told to be generous or the expectation that it'll be taken.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I have a hard time managing myself in that.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: So then all of a sudden, I'm like oh, I know that I've discovered that in me before.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: That's some of what was happening.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: Again, jenna, talk what was happening.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: Jenna, that was happening.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: Again, jenna, talk what was happening, jenna, that was happening.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: And then also specifically in this relationship, I have some pain about us saying we'll do that and it ends up being Jenna doing that.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, oh, I know that's unique to it.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: So, okay, I have some pain.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, why did I not speak up in that moment when I was instantly like red alert, red flags?
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Like, oh, because there's a little bit of people pleasing in me where I didn't want to disappoint the other person.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: You know person A, who said Jenna could do this or will do this together, me and Jenna, and person B, who I actually really love and would love to do things for them.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: So I actually in that moment, where was my?
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: Why didn't I find my no?
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: Or why didn't I speak up to my for my limit or my boundary?
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, where was my?
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: Why didn't I find my no?
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: Or why didn't I speak up to my for my limit or my boundary?
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that was people pleasing.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to disappoint them and I wasn't quite, and that's partly true.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: And the other part was I was a little confused.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: I was like I like being generous and I would want to help this person, why do I feel triggered at anger about how this came out?
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: So it was like I actually was processing real time.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: So maybe in other scenarios I would have been like, why didn't you have your note?
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Oh, bummer, jenna, the people pleasing, we've been working on that for years.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: No problem, I get that you crossed a boundary and didn't actually say your no when you knew it was a no, or speak up for yourself or say like, hey, that doesn't work for me.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: But what about this?
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: Like you normally do, you didn't find your voice.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: And again, I think that's an us thing.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: I think we so easy get pointed at what other people did, asked, said, didn't say, and I have to go back to like in my archaeologist mode why didn't I say something?
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: Why didn't I ask for clarity?
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: Why did I, when it became more than the initial ask, why didn't I say, oh, I can't do that?
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: But was I afraid of their disappointment?
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Was I afraid that I'd lose some of their friendship?
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Was I afraid of being punishment?
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's a Jenna thing.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: Whether or not I would lose punish, you know, get punished whether or not I'd lose their friendship.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: The fear of it managing my behaviors and making me bury a no or not speak up for a limit I have or a value that I'm like bypassing, like, oh, that's a fear thing that made me not find my voice.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: That's amazing.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: And I actually find, oh, I feel like empathy.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: I get so soft and compassionate and I'm like okay, now I'm actually getting somewhere.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: I, in this scenario, was confused because I wanted to say yes to person B but was getting triggered that person A offered my yes.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, that is so much more clear.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: And then the reason I didn't say speak up and find my no was because I wasn't sure where my limit actually was, because it was a little murky in the scenario If it had just been me and one other person.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Actually, the reality is I've done enough work that I would have been able to find my no and give them a different yes in a way that made it feel like a win-win, without bypassing my.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: It wouldn't have been a harsh no, I can't help you with that.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: It would have been like oh, that sounds so great.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: That week I have a lot going on.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't be able to do that, but I'd love to bring the food or whatever that looks like.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: Like I always think there's an edit, but I wasn't able to find my edit because of the weird three party dynamic.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: And then I had so much more empathy where I'm like, oh, this was a me thing, no longer am I looking for who missed it.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that was odd, that was a weird scenario that makes sense, where you didn't find your no and I think the other person was actually probably trying to be a really good friend.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: I doubt, like I'm never going to villainize the people, so things I won't let myself do.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: What I'm getting curious, how I got there is the other person's actions.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: I will always assume the best of them.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I won't assume they're trying to bully me.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: I won't assume they're trying to take advantage of me.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: I won't assume motives, even if there's past patterns.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: It's unhelpful about getting curious and using my archeologist skills to find my own limits, values, my own.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: No, that was bypassed.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: I'm like I'm actually doing the work internal.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not getting stuck with the blame game with them.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, so one of the hardest pills I've had to swallow in my own growth journey is that sometimes I'm not as much offended at someone else as I am bitter because I crossed my own limit or myself.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: Or sometimes I'll just say I betrayed myself, and by that I mean I betrayed my limit, my value, my no, I'm like oh, it's actually easier to be offended.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: They asked then, sad or disappointed I didn't advocate for myself or actually was honest with what I had to give.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: And I feel sad because I'm like, oh, I thought we were further than that with people pleasing, or I thought we didn't.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: You know, like we are more creative or we were more honest or, you know, it could be a lot of judgment.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: But like, oh, is there any place in this scenario that I crossed a boundary that I didn't want to cross?
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Is there anywhere that my that?
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Well, let's see what did my question?
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: That I silence my own internal no to preserve peace, avoid discomfort or fear of their disappointment.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: So this I've definitely done.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: Where I would say I do this more, where I'm better at finding I.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Actually it's funny to me because I would say yes, finding my own no, like when do I bypass my no?
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: That's most, that's like 90% of the time.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: When I'm a fence and I'm going to archaeologists, what was happening inside of me, I'm like, oh, I had a no here and I didn't say it.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: I had a no either because of value.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: I had a no because of a limit, or I had a no because I'm trying to think limits, boundary needs, whatever, and why did I not send it?
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: But most of the time you actually don't have to say no.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I almost imagine this.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: One time I heard a parenting concept where your goal is to I mean, there's some flawed logic and I'm way oversimplifying this but they're almost saying you don't ever have to say no to your kids.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: What that doesn't mean is you don't have limits or boundaries, but you can actually redirect them in the affirmative on what you do have to give versus the no to the.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: So, like mom, can we go to the movie theater with my four friends tomorrow?
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: Like, oh my gosh, go in my insert my version version of this note, which I would do with friends like a really soft redirection to what I do have to give.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: I I'm actually it's a buried no and if sometimes I need it like I'm not actually trying to avoid directness because I'm afraid, but actually rarely is it needed and I can actually be so much softer on people's hearts with a really like a redirect to what I do have.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: So maybe it gives example that kid, the I don't have to say no to Audrey.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: Like nor do I have to be offended.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: Like, hey, I've been working my butt off and we're on a budget.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: Like, how dare you ask?
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: Like that's not the kind of person I want to be.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: I want people to be able to ask things and I get to manage me and my response, like what part of me has given away my power or feels imposed upon when someone asks?
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: Like it's like oh.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: So I would affirm like I, it would be so fun to go see that movie and have like a girl date.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I wonder if we could have meet.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: Like what if we had them over to our house?
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Like what part of that sounds fun?
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: Are you missing those friends from school and let's have them over then?
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: Or I would ask more questions Do you see, like almost getting to like what her value is?
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: I know that I cannot return on what she wants exactly, but if I get curious to figure out what part of it sounds fun and where her value is, like oh, like, okay, so maybe it's that she really liked the friends, like, oh, totally.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: Why don't we figure out a time when those friends could come over?
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: And then what I don't do notice is like their timeline equals what I have to give.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: Most of the time people's timeline and my timeline don't line up.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: What they'd like me to be in or be able to return in or be available is not working.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: But I'm not bitter or offended that they ask.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: I just let them know what I do have to offer.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: Maybe they feel offended or sad, no problem, I'll still be soft and empathetic, but I can actually manage my timeline.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: So I'm like what if I connect with Lily's mom and Ellie's mom at the end of the week when I'm done and see what they have for next week?
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Do you see how I'm not like, how dare you ask?
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: We don't have money and that's outrageously presumptuous.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: Instead I get curious what matters?
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: And then I also put it in the timeframe.
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: So it's not this like slap in your face of a no, it's like, oh, I can redirect you.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: But anyways, my point in doing all this is a lot of times when you realize in your using offense as your cue to go dig for what value, what boundary you crossed internally and you're like, where did I, where should I have had a no, that I missed my chance to actually say it?
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: It doesn't even have to be a no.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: So the point is I'm saying a no because, like, where where'd you silence, you know or not give a no, that you should, an honest no, that you should have given?
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: Most of the time, like 99% of the time, I don't actually say no.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: I use it in a different, softer way that I can redirect what I have to give.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: But for the metaphor, I'm just going to say, or simplicity, I'm going to say no.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: I do think that's a worthy side note because so many times when people are learning boundaries or their limits, needs or values or personality differences, they get really intense no's and it almost reminds me of like a two-year-old when they first learned to say no like do you want?
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: Like a hug from mommy?
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: No, do you want some ice cream?
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: No, you're like what I think, what I'm confused Versus.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: I think as you mature, you can redirect them to what you have, versus being a brick wall of a no Like.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: Oh, actually, this is what I have to offer, like that's what you're wanting, is not it?
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: But I can do it in such a way that no one feels slap in the face, like even.
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: I think I've talked about this before.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: But I can do it in such a way that no one feels slap in the face Like even I think I've talked about this before, but I've really been watching as we've been reading the New Testament in a year we actually had so you guys know that I have a group.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: I think there's like 60 women that are reading the New Testament.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: The same plan, and then we get on.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: We have a group, a private Facebook group, and then a text thread or a Facebook thread about that.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: And then we do a once a month monthly call, and we just had that call this week and we're reading the new Testament slowly.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: So one of the things I was saying is how I noticed that Jesus actually had boundaries, often with the people he did ministry to.
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: So maybe he I can't think of an exact one right now, but maybe he healed someone, either mind, body, soul, whatever delivered them, and often they would say or he would give them some kind of like, hey, don't, don't go, tell everybody about it.
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: Or he would say they'd be like, can I follow you?
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: And he's like actually I need you to go back to the temple and do this.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: Do you notice?
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: Like it was this redirect to purpose of what I'm offering you versus a rejection of where you can't cross.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: So this is not a self-protection, this is what I can invite you into versus what you're not allowed to do.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: That's what I think of when I say you're no.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: I actually think of boundaries best done like that.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: So anyways, man, that was a pretty big tangent.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: I apologize.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: I'm going to remind you the questions that I asked myself is where was the place that I crossed a boundary that I didn't want to cross.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: Where did I silence a no that I probably should have given, and that big, long tangent I just went on was actually I think you never, rarely do you actually need to give such a strong no.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: You could redirect what you do have to offer and it wouldn't feel like rejection.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: The next follow-up question was what was the cost of doing that?
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: Emotionally, relationally or spiritually?
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: What did they want me to do or what did they cost me?
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: I'm like oh, actually, it was a week that I didn't have the bandwidth to be on that text thread.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: That's emotionally cost.
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: It was a week that physically or financially, I actually, or a season where I financially was not able to be split it Like I would like to evenly split it in the group, like I actually didn't have that.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: Oh, as I get more curious again this is going from the hand shovel to the nuance brush I'm getting more and more good information closer to the actual fossils.
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: So I have to change my tools and be a little more sensitive about where I cross, because then I'm like oh, actually a value for me or part of my personality is that I like friendships.
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: I'm going to give you an example, like maybe trying to get like, maybe something I'm not going to give you the whole backstory, but something I've more nuanced out as I've used offense to like get more curious, like, oh, actually a value for me with friends that I hang out pretty often is a bit of flexibility to be able to adjust things by 30 minutes.
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: Or if the original location would be really hard for me with the way some of my days played out, they'd be willing to swap to a different park that's closer, like it can be collaborative without it feeling like I'm not actually trying to bail, nor am I not wanting to hang out with them or be flaky, but sometimes the reality of my day is that things pan out in a way that I'm like man, it doesn't like that.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: I actually don't think I could do it as there, what's the flexibility to shift a bit of the details so that we can still hang out but it doesn't like explode the rest of my day or whatever like or I have to cancel.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: So that's actually a value that I found as I did this once with some of my like oh, okay.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: But I think the nuances recognizing sometimes people have differences, which actually brings me to my next point Perfect, noticing the different like patterns and the differences in personality.
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: So if you are in a long-term friendship or relationship that keeps feeling like you keep having the same offense, resentment or overextending yourself, like bypassing your limits, there is a good chance that there is a pattern playing out, and oftentimes that's why offense can pop so easy, or resentment.
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: So what I ask myself instead of man, it's so easy to be like it's because they blah, blah, blah, if they, only if they changed.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Or this flaw like totally, we're actually all in a relationship with flawed people.
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: So, yep, great, you found a flaw in someone else.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: Awesome, you want to see mine, or that you're probably going to find more flaws in friends.
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: So instead being like oh, what is this pattern that I see playing out between us?
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: And I want to own as much ownership without blame that I see, so it's the point is not to villainize them, but name our differences and how we show up.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: So what I actually think about this, with our differences, like a repeated play out pattern in a long-term friendship or relationship, is there are some differences here, either personality or value we are.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: I actually have to tell myself we are allowed to have different personalities.
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: We are allowed to have different values.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: I actually have to tell myself we are allowed to have different personalities, we are allowed to have different values, and it is not going, it is unfair of me to say that my values are better or more superior or more responsible than theirs.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, maybe you have friends I am that friend that lives pretty full life.
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: Therefore, I'm often, you know, a smidge late or need a bit of shifting with the variables of friendship.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: I have other friends who don't live that way and they don't need to shift.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: So it could be easy for them to take it as a message of my value for them as people.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: But the reality is actually I have a value for being able to have a big full life and they actually don't want that.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: I'm not wrong, nor are they wrong.
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: And when our differences of personalities or values or how we live I think of it like splashing on each other, I either get to decide like have a bit of adjustment of boundaries so that I'm okay when our differences splash without villainizing it.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: So they are not leeches, they just are way more comfortable asking than I am.
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: What do I need to adjust so they can ask?
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: How often they can ask, what they can ask, without me being like saying yes or no, like feeling resentful or offended.
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, maybe I have two friends and one friend never asks.
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: So most likely I'm going to move hell and high water if she asked for something because I'm like that's so growth for her.
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited.
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: Let me see if I can make that work.
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: I'd love to.
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to tank myself because that would be a boundary, not helpful, but I would arrange more and try to make it work more.
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: Maybe I have another friend who, nine times out of 10, something like I'm trying to think of something that's not villainizing.
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: I'm realizing how easy it would be for me to get judging I'm going to say a judging word to think of how maybe you would easily, it would easily call to mind what I'm trying to get at, but I try not to.
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: So maybe they're more like a quote, unquote, mooch, like they have no problem asking.
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: But when I scale it back, when I don't villainize them, be like, hey, they're actually really comfortable with asking because they don't mind getting no's and most of the time people are willing to help.
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: I realize that a value I have is I actually feel if I say that I'm mostly giving a yes to friends, I will feel taken advantage of to give a yes to that friend because they will eat me out of house and home this friend over here so rarely ask that most of the time I'm going to give her a yes.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: That friend over there, their value is to ask often and freely and wildly.
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: I have a one in 10.
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: I won't move anything, I won't go out of my way, but if I actually do honestly have it to give, I will give it to him.
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to withhold to punish or teach them, but I will not go out of my way because I know how often they ask Does that make sense?
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: So that would be the difference of a subtle boundary of like.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, actually this is a difference of values or personalities.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to villainize them.
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: I'm going to name our differences and then decide when it splashes me, what do I need to do to adjust, to be okay, to allow for our differences without villainizing them?
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: Or bitterness or offense keep getting popped up because I feel like that's on me If I'm aware of our personality differences or value differences and I continue to get offended as the pattern plays out, that's actually like.
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: That almost feels like foolish to me, you know.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, an example of some other differences or values that might show up in friendship repeatedly.
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: Or are I value directness.
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: I have other friends that hint at it.
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: Yes, it has been painful at different points, but I'm also aware they hint at it.
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: What I'm not going to do is marshmallow my words entirely to try to cater to the way she hints, but I will be aware that I might miss things more, or maybe I am a smidge softer or whatever to them because directness feels like um is too.
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: They're more sensitive.
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: I'm like okay, no problem, I won't totally show up but I can make some adjustments.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: And that also means maybe an example of someone maybe who's direct, like can't handle my directness.
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: I can't think of one offhand, but maybe I wouldn't do a long car trip with them because I'd have to.
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: I do think of some friends that I feel like I have to like, kind of generally I have to tone it down a bit so that to a point where it works and I don't mind within this regard, I don't mind toning it down 45 minutes, I can tone it down and it doesn't cost me If we're on a six hour car trip, I would feel offended.
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't be able to do it that long.
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: Another example of how differences or values show up that are different, like maybe someone like is really good at resting and no, actually I have this example that happens.
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: I'm really good at planning out and I have our weeks planned, and then sometimes people will be like you're so busy, and I actually was getting offended for a little bit and then I was like, oh actually, because I'm like I've done a really good job in my life in the last couple of years in having rhythms of rest and Sabbath, why is it that they experience me as busy when I'm not done that?
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: So instead of me pointing the finger at them, I'm actually getting curious, like what are they experiencing?
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, they actually don't plan hardly at all and they're always spontaneous, like the invites for 30 minutes from now.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: And because I've planned, even if I've planned my rest or family time, the 30 minute invites don't align with how we've planned our life and it'd be so easy to go into.
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: They live in spontaneity, chaos, and I am a planned world of peace.
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: Do you see how easy it is to add a superiority or villainize the differences, but I'm like oh, no problem.
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: What that doesn't mean is that I'm going to leave all my spontaneity.
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: Nor do I feel like I have to defend my structure or say I'm not busy.
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: I'm like I'm actually not defending myself.
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: But with this specific friend I was like hey, we can't do it today.
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: Do you think next Sunday we could do such and such?
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: And it was this workaround of like, oh, this is what works for our friendship, like when it splashes on me what's an op, you know, like a soft note, what's a redirection that works for both of us?
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, this is a good question.
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: So then, once I kind of nuance out and be like oh, this is a value difference, okay, that's them, that's me Then my next question is what is something I've done in the past that I'm no longer able to do, or give or show up as, without bitterness, reciprocated, or I've been so accommodating?
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: And then, when I asked for similar accommodations I'm literally trying to be general, because I don't a lot of my friends listen to this and I'm not thinking of anyone, don't worry.
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: But the idea is that what I think it's easy to fall in the trap is then to all of a sudden villainize all the ways you have.
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: You know, maybe watch their kids.
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: Let's give a metaphor.
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: And then, when you've asked for that in return, they've said no.
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: And then instantly it's almost like all those spoil when they were given in the moment as an honest yes.
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: And now it's like and it's like all of them go, click, click, click, click, click and they're like I've done all of this and they're like whoa, I is not their fault.
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: You gave an inhonest no.
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: It's not their fault.
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: They're not the bad guy that you didn't recognize your limit, it's not their fault.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: Like you actually are, like, oh, I'm taking so much ownership.
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: So, instead of all of a sudden be bitter for everything else you've done in the past, it's more of like okay, I did that.
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: After this incident, I'm realizing I can't keep doing that.
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: So what shifts or adjustment do I need to do?
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: But don't go back, don't time travel backwards and be bitter about all that you have done or the years.
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: Have you actually had said yes and hadn't required anything different?
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: So that's on you, no problem, but what are you going to do in the future?
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: It's not about blaming.
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: It's not about blaming.
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: It's just about information.
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: You're growing Seasons.
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: Change Needs, limits, paces of life, values can shift and you get to shift your dynamic with them.
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: So what now?
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: You've noticed a fence, you've dug down to find what the unmet need was, what the line was crossed, the value, the personality difference.
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: What does it look to move forward without bitterness?
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: So I kind of asked myself like what behavior edits are needed.
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: What are some of the adjustments that I need to make in this season if I want to protect connection and honor my limits?
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: I gave you some examples maybe slower text replies, maybe more no's when they ask for things, maybe less ability to be flexible.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: If they want to pivot at the last minute, maybe no problem.
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: But the goal is not to punish them.
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: It's just to actually protect your connection and peace.
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: And I remind myself I was able to give it in past seasons.
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not bad, nor are they bad that now in this season I'm not able to do it.
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: Moving forward, it's going to shift a bit, no problem.
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: Most of the time I don't have these conversations with people because I actually feel a ton of responsibility that if I didn't know this, vocalize it wasn't nuanced.
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: How unfair for me to expect they would know this, be able to vocalize it.
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: It's like expecting them to have a metal detector and spot like oh, there is a mine here.
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: I didn't step on it, praise the Lord.
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: You're like oh actually, this is a me thing, I didn't know.
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: Now I know we're going to adjust.
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: Versus how dare you?
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: This hasn't been working for me for years.
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: That's a you thing.
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: Like why didn't you speak up before?
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: Or have you actually noticed it?
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: Or are you just now realizing you know it's not working?
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: So I kind of think like what is a clear and kind statement I can say if this scenario was to arise again to help me hold this boundary with grace?
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: I literally rehearse it.
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: So I'm like okay, so and this isn't the same as being snarky or practicing rebuttals, does that make sense?
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: So I think like let me give you an example.
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm not able to do that right now, but I hope you find what you need.
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: Or I care about you, but I'm not, or that's not a great one.
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: I can't do that, but I could do this.
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: Or thanks for thinking of me.
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: We're like we won't make it this round or on Saturday.
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: So it's all these examples like oh, actually, that was too last minute or that was going to require too much or that would be an all day event, and it doesn't work for me to do all day events anymore.
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: It's more of a two hour casual group thing.
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: That's my ideal level of connection for them.
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: But what you don't have to do is explain.
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: You don't have to make a mountain of a molehill.
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: You don't have to go evacuate, not evacuate.
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: What is there?
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: Extract?
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: Nope, I can't think of the archeologist word when you go back and like dig it all up.
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: But it is because most of the time it would be unfair and overwhelming when you didn't realize it and you're like I was bitter at you for 10 years and I just discovered it.
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: But dude, that's a you thing and that's so overwhelming to tell someone and what they're going to feel?
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: Like crap and embarrassed, like great.
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you have become in tune, jenna, with your own needs, with your own value, with your limits, with something that needs to shift.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: Great, we'll just start shifting it.
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so those are some like clined clear.
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: Do you hear the difference between, oh, I'm not available right now, but I hope you find what you need, versus I'm not able to help you with anything anymore?
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: You should not ask me for favors.
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: I won't be doing favors for you in this season.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: It's so different and that's one of the reasons I actually have to rehearse it, because I can't always trust myself to do grace and graciously and it be one sentence and soft if I haven't thought ahead with it.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: And lastly, just reminding yourself that, like the Lord, when you think about Jesus, what he said yes or no to, when he invited certain people, when he didn't, when he went after the religious people directly, when he gave them a metaphor, when he didn't speak up, like he handled every situation so differently.
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: And it's because he actually saw, like he paused and checked in with what the father was doing.
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: So I think that is a nuance too of like.
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: Maybe in the past you had a grace for it and now you don't.
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean they're bad, they're too much.
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: Maybe you've been oblivious.
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: It does not mean that you've been oblivious to their narcissist tendencies for so long.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: I'm only saying narcissist because I feel like that is the buzzword on Instagram, pinterest right now Everybody's a narcissist.
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: You throw a rock and you hit a narcissist.
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: Anyways, my point isn't that to go back and look at it like that way, but like, oh, actually, now in this season, it's not a no anymore, it's not a yes anymore.
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: I don't, I don't have like, I don't feel like I have the holy, like I have permission to give that yes.
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be about them, so much of it to me is like oh, actually, in this season, like the season we're in currently this summer, the word I felt like from the Lord Lord was that I'm supposed to invest in my kids' hearts.
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: So I've done less.
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: So every year we've done a karaoke with friends, and this year, when the friend came to plan it, it's not because she's bad or wrong or she wants to have too much fun.
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: You know, like whatever I could do in villainizing her.
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: But I realized, because I'm in tune with my season, with my limits, with how I'm meant, how I'm valuing, exporting my energy right now, and it's not actually something I'm supposed to give a yes to.
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: But I don't have to villainize her for wanting it or shifting the past seasons, just in this season I know the Holy Spirit, my values and boundaries have shifted.
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: No problem, it's not her thing, it's a me thing and I'm the one that's accountable and I'm also the one who's responsible.
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: Problem, it's not her thing, it's a me thing and I'm the one that's accountable and I'm also the one who's responsible.
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: So we're going to do it full of grace, with freedom, with clarity, with kindness, with courage, finding those limits, being true to them, not expecting other people to know them.
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: My takeaway from this is to walk through when you notice a fence, instead of pointing the finger, stepping out of the courtroom, becoming an archaeologist, uncovering what it's trying to tell you, replaying where the situation went awry, noticing the emotions that pop up and then getting curious about what those emotions tell you about your limits, your capacity, your needs, your values, your personality.
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: Then noticing maybe is this a repeated pattern?
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: If so, what is the differences?
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: And reminding yourself you're allowed to be different people.
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: You're allowed to have different personalities.
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: You're allowed to have different values.
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: They're allowed to ask.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: Feel like they are allowed to ask more than you are.
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: They're allowed to live less planning, more chaotically, even if you see the cost of it.
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: Most of the time, it's not sin, but you can say no.
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: I think most of the time it's shocking.
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: It's like oh, actually me not knowing that I could say no or have a soft boundary in.
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: There is what has become the problem.
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: It's not them thing, it's me thinking I'm at the mercy of them.
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: We can be different and coexist graciously.
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: And then the next one would be practicing your kind soft.
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm not able to do that, but I hope you find it.
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: Or we're not going to make it this week, have a blast.
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: Or I'm trying to think Just soft, gracious, they are not the problem.
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: You're discovering a value and something you need to protect and you're staying in sync with the Holy Spirit, with where your limits and needs and values are for this season, because that's ultimately what you're responsible for.
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: It's not a witch hunt, it's not a villain.
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: We're not trying to see what everyone else is doing.
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: We're getting more curious about what offense is showing or revealing we value we need or conversations we should be having.
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: Okay, I hope that helps.
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: Bye everybody.