Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 470. How to End Comparison and Competition for Good - Psychology tools that work

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470. How to End Comparison and Competition for Good - Psychology tools that work · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode
0:16
Speaker 1: of today. This episode is a topic that I hold
0:19
Speaker 1: very close to my heart because it is something that
0:22
Speaker 1: has woven into so many episodes throughout the last time.
0:26
Speaker 1: Believe about to say it's six years off my podcast.
0:28
Speaker 1: Shout out to the oj beans who've been here for
0:30
Speaker 1: the last six years, and shout out if you're brand
0:32
Speaker 1: new today, Love you so much, thanks for joining. And
0:35
Speaker 1: the topic is comparison and competition. One of my first
0:39
Speaker 1: ever episodes was about comparison and how comparison will kill
0:43
Speaker 1: you and all of that, and it was literally, I think,
0:45
Speaker 1: like one or two months in and I thought I
0:47
Speaker 1: should really revisit a lot of the things that I
0:50
Speaker 1: spoke about in that episode and across many of the
0:52
Speaker 1: episodes around similar topics, because it is something that once
0:56
Speaker 1: you are able to get a really good grasp of
0:58
Speaker 1: how much you are pairing yourself, how much you are competing.
1:02
Speaker 1: And I'm not talking about healthy competition obviously, if you're
1:05
Speaker 1: in a competitive industry, if you are competing within sports,
1:08
Speaker 1: that's very different to what I'm referring to. I think
1:10
Speaker 1: it goes without saying obviously, more so when you're competing
1:14
Speaker 1: for something that has to do with your self value
1:16
Speaker 1: and your self worth, when you're competing for the love
1:18
Speaker 1: of someone, that kind of stuff. Okay, So once you
1:22
Speaker 1: really can, as I talk about it, you're going to
1:25
Speaker 1: start to identify, Oh my god, I do that. Oh
1:27
Speaker 1: it looks she's made this episode for me. She's really
1:30
Speaker 1: speaking to me. Once you start seeing these, you know,
1:32
Speaker 1: identify these and you see it as patterns within your life,
1:35
Speaker 1: that's the golden moment where you're able to then do
1:38
Speaker 1: something about it and change how you approach certain things
1:42
Speaker 1: in your life. You're going to see how you can
1:44
Speaker 1: still be in a position where normally you would be
1:48
Speaker 1: comparing yourself and it would be causing you to feel small, insecure,
1:52
Speaker 1: cause self doubt, cause you know, self esteem issues, and
1:56
Speaker 1: you could then learn about that, learn about why is
2:00
Speaker 1: that you're suffering, and why it is that you're competing,
2:02
Speaker 1: and you'll be able to be in the exact same
2:03
Speaker 1: position but not feel that way, not feel threatened, not
2:07
Speaker 1: feel attacked, still be able to celebrate other people's wins
2:10
Speaker 1: and genuinely want the best for other people without feeling
2:13
Speaker 1: like there's less for you. I think one of the
2:15
Speaker 1: issues where a lot of people struggle is I want
2:18
Speaker 1: to be happy for the people around me. I want
2:21
Speaker 1: to see other people succeed. But deep down, and I
2:23
Speaker 1: hate to admit it, and you probably never admit it,
2:25
Speaker 1: but deep down, when I see my friends do well,
2:28
Speaker 1: find love by their first property, get a really good
2:31
Speaker 1: paying job, while I'm not even close to having those
2:34
Speaker 1: things in my life, I deep down part of me
2:38
Speaker 1: wants a part of them to fail. Like I feel like,
2:40
Speaker 1: fuck you, why can't it be me? We After the
2:42
Speaker 1: end of this episode, not only are you going to
2:44
Speaker 1: not feel that way anymore. You'll be able to celebrate
2:46
Speaker 1: other people's wins, but you're going to start seeing success
2:49
Speaker 1: for other people as more of a possibility of what's
2:52
Speaker 1: available for you. You're going to completely change your tone.
2:55
Speaker 1: Not immediately, but once you start putting these things into practice,
2:58
Speaker 1: and once you start doing these things more often than not,
3:00
Speaker 1: you will start to see a shift. You're going to
3:02
Speaker 1: feel a lot better about yourself. And you're also going
3:04
Speaker 1: to notice that when you feel good about other people's
3:07
Speaker 1: wins and successes, you feel better about yourself. Okay, and
3:12
Speaker 1: I'm going to explain in a little bit more detail
3:13
Speaker 1: throughout the episode, why that's the case, But it actually
3:16
Speaker 1: increases your self confidence. It increases your self esteem, and
3:20
Speaker 1: because you are happier, more confident within yourself, you are
3:22
Speaker 1: actually more likely to achieve these things because you are
3:25
Speaker 1: now the best version of yourself. Okay, you present across
3:30
Speaker 1: like you come across as the best version of you
3:32
Speaker 1: to other people, in your work, in your passions, your hobbies,
3:36
Speaker 1: all of the above. So good times. There's a lot
3:38
Speaker 1: that I want to talk about in today's episode, so
3:40
Speaker 1: I'm going to dive straight in now. I do want
3:42
Speaker 1: to make a little apology. I am going to be
3:45
Speaker 1: bringing back the brain facts. There's a lot of brain
3:47
Speaker 1: facts that I want to talk about, however, not in
3:51
Speaker 1: today's episode. No point coming up with excuses. I have none.
3:54
Speaker 1: There are no excuses. I was just doing a deep
3:56
Speaker 1: dive on this episode, and to be dead honest, I
3:59
Speaker 1: just didn't have the time. I didn't organize myself properly,
4:02
Speaker 1: and I didn't have the time to put together a
4:04
Speaker 1: really good brain fact with proper research behind it. So
4:06
Speaker 1: that's going to have to wait for next week or
4:08
Speaker 1: the week after. I'm also deep in live show planning
4:13
Speaker 1: mode and it got to a point where I was like, Oh,
4:15
Speaker 1: I really don't want to put up an Encore episode.
4:17
Speaker 1: I want to come up with a new episode. So
4:21
Speaker 1: something's going to give, and the brain fact gave today,
4:23
Speaker 1: so it's just going to be the topic of today's episode.
4:26
Speaker 1: The first thing that I want to talk about in
4:28
Speaker 1: this episode number one is that comparison and competition are
4:32
Speaker 1: actually not the same thing, but they do feed each other. Okay.
4:36
Speaker 1: Comparison is what is happening in your head. That's where
4:40
Speaker 1: you are constantly thinking, oh my god, but this person's
4:43
Speaker 1: done that I'm not there yet, or or also equally
4:46
Speaker 1: as toxic, where you're saying, okay, I got it. See
4:50
Speaker 1: that person failed. That person failed, I'm actually better than that. Okay,
4:53
Speaker 1: so I can feel better about myself. Be really careful.
4:56
Speaker 1: This is something that I want you to think about
4:58
Speaker 1: throughout the entire episode and just in general in your life.
5:00
Speaker 1: Be really careful to never use comparison as a tool
5:04
Speaker 1: to make yourself feel better by putting someone else down, like,
5:08
Speaker 1: oh that person failed at that. Okay, I've got one
5:11
Speaker 1: up on that person. Now I feel okay, Now I
5:13
Speaker 1: feel I can breathe for the next twenty four hours
5:15
Speaker 1: until I've got to put someone else down so I
5:16
Speaker 1: can feel better. You know that means that you can't
5:20
Speaker 1: stand on your own merit that the only time that
5:22
Speaker 1: you can feel comfortable or okay or good enough is
5:24
Speaker 1: if you see the people next to you doing poorly
5:28
Speaker 1: or suffering or having a setback, and then you think, okay,
5:31
Speaker 1: well for now, I'm still better than them. That's really
5:33
Speaker 1: dangerous territory. It makes it harder and harder to become happy,
5:37
Speaker 1: genuinely happy for other people, and it makes it feel
5:40
Speaker 1: like the only time you can feel good about yourself
5:43
Speaker 1: is if like it requires other people to do poorly,
5:47
Speaker 1: so therefore you can't feel good about yourself independently. Okay,
5:51
Speaker 1: it's quite dangerous to get into that territory. Okay, you
5:54
Speaker 1: always feel like, you know, if someone gains, you lose,
5:58
Speaker 1: which is not the truth at all. It always feels
6:00
Speaker 1: like how you feel about yourself is dependent on where
6:06
Speaker 1: you are on a scale, on a kind of sliding
6:08
Speaker 1: scale of the people around you. So make sure that
6:11
Speaker 1: you never use comparison as a tool to make yourself
6:13
Speaker 1: feel better. If someone close to you, a friend or
6:16
Speaker 1: an acquaintance, and something does poorly, you would like to
6:20
Speaker 1: think that your initial reaction would be like, oh, I
6:22
Speaker 1: really feel bad for them. I genuinely don't want them
6:25
Speaker 1: to stuff. I don't want them to fail. I don't
6:26
Speaker 1: want them to have not gotten that promotion or that job,
6:28
Speaker 1: or have been heartbroken or all of the above. Okay,
6:30
Speaker 1: So I just wanted to mention that at the start. Now,
6:34
Speaker 1: like I said, comparison is what's happening in your head.
6:37
Speaker 1: It's you know, often quite often you don't necessarily voice
6:41
Speaker 1: it to other people. Sometimes, yes, sometimes no. Competition is
6:44
Speaker 1: what happens once that comparison is kind of driving your behavior.
6:50
Speaker 1: So you can be comparing yourself to someone without doing
6:53
Speaker 1: anything about it, but the moment you feel the urge
6:55
Speaker 1: to prove, to outperform, to one up, where you need
6:58
Speaker 1: to seek validation, crossing into competition. Okay, now that it's
7:02
Speaker 1: not about I'm not saying that and being ambitious and
7:06
Speaker 1: having ambition is an issue. It's when comparison starts to
7:11
Speaker 1: get in the way of your identity, when you stop
7:14
Speaker 1: focusing on what it is that you want for your
7:16
Speaker 1: own growth, for your own life, and you start thinking,
7:19
Speaker 1: where do I rank among these people and how can
7:21
Speaker 1: I one up this other person. You know, that's when
7:23
Speaker 1: it starts kind of bleeding into your identity. And people
7:27
Speaker 1: who do that will find that they actually aren't living
7:30
Speaker 1: for themselves. They don't actually know what they want. They
7:33
Speaker 1: spend too much time competing and comparing that then they realize,
7:37
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I actually really haven't lived for myself
7:39
Speaker 1: because my lens was just I was always just focusing
7:41
Speaker 1: outside and not really focusing on the things that probably
7:44
Speaker 1: made me happy. And you know, I probably have wasted
7:48
Speaker 1: all this time thinking, oh my god, but other people
7:50
Speaker 1: have got to think things another when a lot of
7:52
Speaker 1: people probably didn't care. They were on their own trajectory
7:54
Speaker 1: and you weren't on yours. Okay, I think for a
7:57
Speaker 1: lot of people, comparison can be quite passive. People don't
8:00
Speaker 1: even realize that they're doing it anymore. We do it
8:03
Speaker 1: when we're scrolling on social media. We do it when
8:05
Speaker 1: we're not properly paying attention. You know, it's you're constantly
8:09
Speaker 1: living your life through a different lens. So it's important
8:12
Speaker 1: to really pay attention to when that actually is happening
8:15
Speaker 1: and to kind of name it toertainment, okay, like identify
8:19
Speaker 1: what's actually going on, and you're more likely to be
8:21
Speaker 1: able to do something about it. The next thing is
8:23
Speaker 1: that one of the hardest forms or the most debilitating
8:28
Speaker 1: forms of comparison is actually to the people that are
8:31
Speaker 1: close to you. That's the one that feels the most destabilizing. Okay,
8:35
Speaker 1: so this is friends, siblings, colleagues, people whose lives run
8:40
Speaker 1: pretty parallel to yours, or there's like a lot of
8:43
Speaker 1: similarities that you can draw, like same age, same career stage,
8:46
Speaker 1: or what feels like should be the same career stage,
8:49
Speaker 1: same dating era or dating pool, kind of same life milestones.
8:54
Speaker 1: You might live in the same city, that kind of thing. Okay,
8:57
Speaker 1: this is where comparison can really really cut the deepest
9:00
Speaker 1: because there's a lot of things involved, and you're emotionally
9:04
Speaker 1: close to a lot of these people. Okay, you're not
9:06
Speaker 1: competing with strangers thinking oh how can I make my
9:08
Speaker 1: life look the best on social media? You're actually comparing
9:11
Speaker 1: yourself to people that you genuinely care about as well.
9:14
Speaker 1: So it creates this weird dynamic. If I really love
9:17
Speaker 1: this person, I am happy for them, but so why
9:19
Speaker 1: do I or I should be happy for them? So
9:22
Speaker 1: why do I feel so shit when something goes well
9:24
Speaker 1: for me? When that is not going well for me,
9:26
Speaker 1: Because if you think about it, if you're thriving in
9:29
Speaker 1: your life, right, love, your career, everything's going so fucking well.
9:33
Speaker 1: You're getting like promotion up to promotion, you've launched your business,
9:36
Speaker 1: and it's going exactly at the pace you want it
9:37
Speaker 1: to be going. Everything's right, and then your best friend
9:41
Speaker 1: kills it and gets a promotion at work. You're probably
9:43
Speaker 1: going to be like, that's fucking awesome. I can't think
9:45
Speaker 1: of anything better for you. This is unbelievable. Okay, you
9:48
Speaker 1: probably don't even there's not one part of it that
9:49
Speaker 1: it's like, oh wish you didn't get that promotion, not
9:51
Speaker 1: at all. Right, So it's not that you just outright
9:53
Speaker 1: an evil cunt. That's probably not what's happening. The issue
9:56
Speaker 1: is that often when we see people succeed in their
10:00
Speaker 1: own field, even if you don't even want that career.
10:02
Speaker 1: But when you see someone get like more money, more love,
10:05
Speaker 1: more success and you're not getting it, it doesn't mean
10:09
Speaker 1: you're a bad person to be upset by it. It's
10:11
Speaker 1: just highlighting to you, like it's really holding the mirror
10:15
Speaker 1: being like, remember, bitch, hey, bitch, you're actually not happy
10:18
Speaker 1: with your life. That's like your brain telling you, ah,
10:20
Speaker 1: here's a reminder. You're not there yet. You're not happy,
10:23
Speaker 1: so you feel uncomfortable, you feel upset, you feel dissatisfied
10:27
Speaker 1: with where your life is at. So then you then
10:29
Speaker 1: resent the information you received, and you resent your friend,
10:32
Speaker 1: you resent their success. And it's not because you're mean.
10:36
Speaker 1: It's because you've just been reminded that you're not where
10:39
Speaker 1: you wish you were, and someone else right in front
10:41
Speaker 1: of you is That's all it is. So don't feel
10:43
Speaker 1: too horrible because this can be changed. You're not a
10:45
Speaker 1: bad person. Don't be embarrassed. We just need to tweak
10:50
Speaker 1: how we approach these things, and it's going to feel
10:51
Speaker 1: a whole lot better. Okay, you're not the only one
10:55
Speaker 1: drawing comparisons. Everyone does it all the time. People are
10:59
Speaker 1: constantly doing it, People to it, sometimes out loud, unintentionally,
11:03
Speaker 1: you know, to other people. People are always pitting themselves
11:07
Speaker 1: against other people. Okay, it is a really really common thing,
11:12
Speaker 1: So just accept that that's what it is. But it
11:15
Speaker 1: can be changed. All right. Now, This brings me to
11:18
Speaker 1: my next point, which is the importance of not of like,
11:23
Speaker 1: not forgetting who you are as an individual when all
11:25
Speaker 1: of this is happening. Okay, So, no matter how close
11:29
Speaker 1: someone is to you, your value doesn't come from comparable
11:34
Speaker 1: or shared milestones. Your value is always going to come
11:37
Speaker 1: from being an individual. And the reason I say this,
11:40
Speaker 1: and it sounds like so cliche, oh, be yourself, be yourself,
11:44
Speaker 1: be yourself, But I mean in the sense that think
11:47
Speaker 1: about the people that you love the most in your life,
11:49
Speaker 1: the people that you really value hanging out with, the
11:51
Speaker 1: people that bring the most value to you. What is
11:53
Speaker 1: it about them? You could probably rattle off a thousand
11:55
Speaker 1: things about this person that you adore that's really unique
11:58
Speaker 1: to them. Oh my god, it the humor, it's the
12:00
Speaker 1: way they make me feel, it's the way it's these
12:02
Speaker 1: It's that you wouldn't say, oh my god, I love
12:04
Speaker 1: my friend so much because she's just like every other
12:07
Speaker 1: cant that walks down the street. You don't say that, right,
12:09
Speaker 1: It's because they are quite an individual person. Often when
12:12
Speaker 1: you think about, even on a not a close scale,
12:16
Speaker 1: but on a bigger scale, of celebrities, often the ones
12:18
Speaker 1: that really stand out are the ones that are quite unique.
12:20
Speaker 1: They carry themselves in a very unique way, memorable. Right,
12:24
Speaker 1: They don't have to be the best actor or the
12:26
Speaker 1: best singer to be memorable. Okay. So that's why I'm
12:29
Speaker 1: saying that it's really important that you always bring it
12:33
Speaker 1: back to what makes you you. Okay. Comparison thrives when
12:40
Speaker 1: you are always trying to be the same or just
12:42
Speaker 1: a little bit better than someone else doing the same thing.
12:45
Speaker 1: When you start measuring yourself only on things that can
12:49
Speaker 1: be like, on metrics that can be shared, like career success,
12:53
Speaker 1: relationship status, how much attention you get. Your appearance, that's
12:58
Speaker 1: a huge one. You know, how you look, your hair,
13:00
Speaker 1: you're this, you're that, your fashion, your style. Then you're
13:04
Speaker 1: going to feel more and more and more insecure. Okay.
13:08
Speaker 1: Your power does not come from being better than someone else.
13:12
Speaker 1: Your power comes from being different, Okay, different on par
13:20
Speaker 1: It might be better in some other areas, might be
13:22
Speaker 1: not as good in other areas, but it's not like
13:23
Speaker 1: I have to beat you, I have to be better
13:25
Speaker 1: than you. It's got to be different. Okay. For example,
13:28
Speaker 1: you know when you see people in a relationship and
13:30
Speaker 1: they seem to be with someone who in you might
13:32
Speaker 1: deem to be just perfect. They're like the fucking ten
13:34
Speaker 1: in every area, and then they break up and you're thinking,
13:37
Speaker 1: oh my god, I can't believe this person. Dump that person.
13:39
Speaker 1: Then they end up going with someone else that you know,
13:42
Speaker 1: you might not see how they level up to the
13:45
Speaker 1: ex if you're someone who's comparing, obviously, but the person
13:48
Speaker 1: who's gone and dumped this person and gone with someone else,
13:52
Speaker 1: they're obviously dating based on individuality. It doesn't matter what
13:55
Speaker 1: other people think, it doesn't matter how they're ranked. They
13:57
Speaker 1: found something in someone else that makes them unique, makes
14:00
Speaker 1: them them, and they're like, that's the person I want
14:02
Speaker 1: to be with, that's the person I want to date.
14:04
Speaker 1: We do it ourselves in relationships, in friendships. So remember
14:08
Speaker 1: it's not about where do you rank, It's about how
14:11
Speaker 1: are you being the best version of yourself? Because it's
14:13
Speaker 1: not this linear ranking of people. There are way too
14:16
Speaker 1: many factors within an individual to make it possible to
14:21
Speaker 1: rank someone in a linear style. Comparison also really narrows
14:25
Speaker 1: how you see yourself, and that's what can be the
14:27
Speaker 1: most damaging. Okay, so you're going to start to hyper
14:31
Speaker 1: fixate on certain things that is just like on paper,
14:36
Speaker 1: like appearance is a really big one. You think, oh
14:38
Speaker 1: my god, my ex stun't me and now they're with
14:39
Speaker 1: this person, and you start comparing yourself to your ex's
14:42
Speaker 1: new partner, when you probably don't even know that person.
14:45
Speaker 1: You know as far as you can throw them, but
14:46
Speaker 1: you start looking at their appearance, you start looking at
14:48
Speaker 1: what they have as a career. You start look so
14:50
Speaker 1: then you start to feel really shit about yourself, and
14:52
Speaker 1: just by looking at like black and white on paper,
14:54
Speaker 1: you start thinking, oh my god, I'm I'm falling behind
14:58
Speaker 1: in life. I'm not where I'm so supposed to be.
15:00
Speaker 1: And then that's where it starts eroding at your self confidence.
15:03
Speaker 1: But that is not actually how humans experience each other. Okay.
15:08
Speaker 1: People are always going to be remembered by how they
15:10
Speaker 1: make other people feel, their energy, their impact, their presence.
15:15
Speaker 1: When comparison takes over, it's harder to feel like yourself,
15:20
Speaker 1: it's harder to feel like these harder to measure traits,
15:24
Speaker 1: these things that really aren't measurable. And I feel that
15:27
Speaker 1: when it comes to personality and when it comes to
15:30
Speaker 1: the essence of who someone really is, it's not really
15:32
Speaker 1: something that can be measured. Okay, It's something that is
15:35
Speaker 1: experienced and something that is felt. Another thing that I
15:38
Speaker 1: really want you to think about, is this timeline idea
15:44
Speaker 1: we feel like because our timeline is not on the
15:48
Speaker 1: same timeline as someone really close to me, my sibling,
15:51
Speaker 1: my best friend, my peers, I'm falling behind. But again,
15:58
Speaker 1: when it comes to life and career and love and
16:02
Speaker 1: everything that you can think of, it doesn't follow a
16:05
Speaker 1: linear timeline for most people. It certainly didn't for me.
16:09
Speaker 1: I remember feeling at thirty. At thirty, I had not
16:13
Speaker 1: even a dollar or maybe three dollars in my bank
16:16
Speaker 1: account after like just before my paycheck would come in.
16:19
Speaker 1: I didn't have certain I had no savings, I had
16:22
Speaker 1: all my possessions fit into two suitcases. I didn't really
16:25
Speaker 1: know where I was going career wise. I hadn't even
16:27
Speaker 1: started my masters. I had was so much up in
16:29
Speaker 1: the air, and I was looking at people around me,
16:31
Speaker 1: and I was really falling into that comparison trap and
16:34
Speaker 1: starting to feel a little bit hopeless and desperate. As
16:37
Speaker 1: far as career was concerned. I had really good friends,
16:40
Speaker 1: to be fair, I had really good friends and family,
16:41
Speaker 1: and that made me feel quite comfortable in that regard.
16:44
Speaker 1: But when it came to Korea, I really was comparing
16:47
Speaker 1: myself a lot, and the more I compared the less
16:51
Speaker 1: empowered I felt. I felt like I had less and
16:53
Speaker 1: less and less control, less and less power, and it
16:57
Speaker 1: was just getting worse. It wasn't me continuing to compare
17:01
Speaker 1: myself wasn't getting me out of that slump. If anything,
17:04
Speaker 1: it was digging me deeper and deeper. And when you
17:06
Speaker 1: are in that slump, it's really really, as doctor Sus says,
17:10
Speaker 1: it's hard to unslump yourself, right, Like, you have to
17:13
Speaker 1: completely change your perspective because you're not going to get
17:16
Speaker 1: yourself out of that mindset by thinking more and more
17:19
Speaker 1: into that whole of a mindset. Okay, So I had
17:22
Speaker 1: to start focusing on things that really really made me
17:26
Speaker 1: happy for me, And only when I started doing that
17:29
Speaker 1: did everything turn around. Only when I started thinking, I
17:31
Speaker 1: need to get rid of this timeline comparison because I'm
17:35
Speaker 1: just going to feel more and more upset and frustrated
17:38
Speaker 1: about my current situation. Instead, why didn't I focus on
17:41
Speaker 1: things that really make me happy that no matter where
17:44
Speaker 1: I was in the timeline, I would do it regardless.
17:46
Speaker 1: I started studying something that I was really really passionate about.
17:49
Speaker 1: I started leaning into things that made me feel good
17:52
Speaker 1: when I did it, instead of thinking, what's going to
17:54
Speaker 1: get me, you know, putting a down payment like at
17:57
Speaker 1: the same year that that person did, or what's going
17:59
Speaker 1: to get me make sure that I do this, or
18:00
Speaker 1: you know, I have to find my person now so
18:03
Speaker 1: that way I can start having a family now, and
18:04
Speaker 1: that way, you know. So all these things were really restricting,
18:07
Speaker 1: restricting and make you shrink, shrink, shrink, And then all
18:09
Speaker 1: your actions are based on keeping up, keeping up, keeping up,
18:12
Speaker 1: and none of them make you happy. And I can
18:14
Speaker 1: guarantee you, even if you finally were keeping up, you
18:16
Speaker 1: wouldn't be happy because then you'd be the next thing,
18:18
Speaker 1: and the next thing and the next thing. You change
18:20
Speaker 1: that mindset and you start thinking, this isn't working for me.
18:23
Speaker 1: It's not fucking working for me. So instead of continuing
18:25
Speaker 1: down the same path feeling the exact same way, I'm wondering,
18:28
Speaker 1: why do I still feel so shit? You can pause
18:31
Speaker 1: and think, all right, given that I've tried that and
18:34
Speaker 1: it's not worked for me, and I still feel like shit,
18:36
Speaker 1: and I'm not really going at the pace that I
18:37
Speaker 1: thought I would be going. How am I going to pivot?
18:40
Speaker 1: What can I do? What can I do that's going
18:42
Speaker 1: to be uniquely me. What can I lean into that
18:44
Speaker 1: makes just me feel good. When you start doing things
18:47
Speaker 1: that make you feel good, you stop comparing yourself. When
18:50
Speaker 1: I started studying like the Masters, for example, I remember
18:54
Speaker 1: seeing other people do better than me financially and me
18:56
Speaker 1: being like, yeah, like, not only am I happy for them,
18:59
Speaker 1: but it does doesn't really register any more in that
19:02
Speaker 1: sense because I finally found something that feels good to
19:05
Speaker 1: me so much that it doesn't matter what other people
19:09
Speaker 1: are doing, because I wouldn't like all the respect I
19:12
Speaker 1: love them, but I don't want to be in their
19:13
Speaker 1: position anymore because I found something that makes me be,
19:16
Speaker 1: that makes me love the position that I'm in. When
19:18
Speaker 1: you love your position so much, you can look at
19:20
Speaker 1: someone else's succeeding and say, that's awesome, But I wouldn't
19:24
Speaker 1: want to be in your shoes because I'm so happy
19:26
Speaker 1: in my shoes. That's where you want to be. It's
19:28
Speaker 1: not I'm better than you, I'm worse than you, I'm
19:31
Speaker 1: x y Z. It is I finally started carving out
19:35
Speaker 1: a place for myself where I'm really satisfied, where I
19:39
Speaker 1: can go to bed at night and be excited about
19:40
Speaker 1: what I was able to learn or achieve or experience
19:43
Speaker 1: in my day, you know, And that for you might
19:46
Speaker 1: be studying something, starting, you know, a new business, trying
19:51
Speaker 1: a different career, moving cities, trying a year abroad. It
19:54
Speaker 1: could be what it got, becoming single again. It could
19:56
Speaker 1: be whatever, whatever, but it's something that you think, I'm
20:00
Speaker 1: finally listening to myself and because of that, I feel
20:03
Speaker 1: like I like the pace at which things are going
20:05
Speaker 1: for me. I might not be exactly where I want
20:07
Speaker 1: to be yet, but I'm finally on that path where
20:10
Speaker 1: I'm living life for me and not in this state
20:14
Speaker 1: of comparison where I've lost the essence of who I am.
20:17
Speaker 1: I'm a Michelle of my former self and I'm just
20:19
Speaker 1: living to keep up. You're never going to be happy
20:21
Speaker 1: when you're living to keep up. And I can guarantee
20:23
Speaker 1: that there are even people who then, you know, from
20:27
Speaker 1: the outside perspective, you'd think, oh, they've made it because
20:29
Speaker 1: they they're financially well off, this, they that. But if
20:32
Speaker 1: you're always living in that state of I've got to
20:33
Speaker 1: keep up, I've got to keep up. I've got to
20:35
Speaker 1: keep up. Even when you start achieving these financial successes,
20:39
Speaker 1: these external successes, they're still not happy, okay, because they
20:43
Speaker 1: get stuck in that mindset of never enough, never enough,
20:45
Speaker 1: never enough. Compare, compare, compare, compete, compete, compete. You're never happy.
20:49
Speaker 1: You know, Sometimes the most the wealthiest people, or them
20:52
Speaker 1: or what you would deem to be the most beautiful,
20:54
Speaker 1: physically attractive people are the ones that are the least
20:57
Speaker 1: satisfied because they're stuck in this loop of parison. Okay,
21:01
Speaker 1: they're stuck in this loop of seeking external validation all
21:03
Speaker 1: the time. And when all your validation is external, some
21:06
Speaker 1: can be external. It's okay to have, you know, to
21:09
Speaker 1: want your partner to make you feel good about yourself.
21:11
Speaker 1: It's okay to want some validation externally. That's perfectly normal.
21:15
Speaker 1: But when all of it comes from the outside and
21:18
Speaker 1: you can't provide any for yourself, that's a big problem.
21:21
Speaker 1: That's a big problem, and that's when your self esteem
21:23
Speaker 1: and your confidence starts to take a fucking plummet and
21:26
Speaker 1: it fucking goes down like a lead balloon. Now many
21:29
Speaker 1: of you guys know that before the podcast, before the
21:33
Speaker 1: me teaching polarte, Before the podcast, I was teaching polarties,
21:36
Speaker 1: and before teaching Polartes, I was studying at Uni, and
21:39
Speaker 1: prior to that, I was acting. I wanted to make
21:42
Speaker 1: it as an actor. I wanted to be an Oscar
21:43
Speaker 1: winning actress, actor, whatever you want to refer to it as.
21:46
Speaker 1: That was what I wanted, Okay, but I was going
21:49
Speaker 1: absolutely fucking nowhere I got. I kind of got a
21:51
Speaker 1: few places, I've got a few roles here and there,
21:53
Speaker 1: but I had some close calls for some lead roles
21:55
Speaker 1: in like a TV show, when a film, and but
21:57
Speaker 1: just never really got nowhere near close to where I
22:00
Speaker 1: wanted to be. And the issue then became that I
22:03
Speaker 1: started feeling really self conscious about where I was in
22:07
Speaker 1: this career and that, you know, I felt like I'd
22:09
Speaker 1: invested too much time. I couldn't quit. But at the
22:11
Speaker 1: same time, am I going to be doing this forever?
22:13
Speaker 1: It's not working? So I was really starting to eat
22:17
Speaker 1: up my kind of this internal narrative. I had started
22:20
Speaker 1: getting worse and worse and worse. Okay, I done stepped
22:22
Speaker 1: away from acting. At the time when I stepped away,
22:25
Speaker 1: I wanted it to be. I thought, I'm just going
22:26
Speaker 1: to take a hiatus. My agent had dropped me. I
22:28
Speaker 1: wasn't in a good headspace around the Korea, and every
22:30
Speaker 1: time I thought about getting a new agent or trying
22:32
Speaker 1: to get more shit for my show, real I was
22:35
Speaker 1: really anxious. And I'm not generally an anxious person. I'm
22:38
Speaker 1: more like anxious in the typical sense that I think
22:41
Speaker 1: most people experience anxiety, where it's kind of acute and
22:44
Speaker 1: it's dependent on the situation. So it's not like I
22:46
Speaker 1: necessarily would have ongoing chronic anxiety. But I found that
22:49
Speaker 1: my anxiety was higher than normal, okay, and it was
22:53
Speaker 1: based around this. About every time I'd think about my career,
22:56
Speaker 1: instead of thinking hopeful thoughts, I would be really anxious.
22:58
Speaker 1: So I thought, I need a rese I need to
23:01
Speaker 1: take a few months off, not doing any auditions, not
23:03
Speaker 1: trying to find an agent, not even thinking. I just
23:05
Speaker 1: need actual time off. So I did that, and what
23:08
Speaker 1: happened was everything started changing for me because I took
23:13
Speaker 1: the time off. There was also no pitting myself against
23:17
Speaker 1: other people, comparing myself to other actors that ended up
23:19
Speaker 1: getting the role that I thought I wanted. Nothing All
23:21
Speaker 1: that stopped because I wasn't auditioning anymore. I wasn't in
23:24
Speaker 1: that realm. It allowed me to take a step back
23:27
Speaker 1: and all these other parts of me started coming back
23:30
Speaker 1: as well. I started feeling more trusting in myself. I
23:33
Speaker 1: was more fun to be around. I was more lighthearted,
23:36
Speaker 1: I was I had more freedom. I felt free, I
23:38
Speaker 1: was more creative. I was just spontaneous, okay. And what
23:43
Speaker 1: I then at the time, I thought, well, fuck that,
23:45
Speaker 1: I'm never going back to acting ever again. I've found
23:47
Speaker 1: myself again. I don't need that career anymore. I'm done.
23:51
Speaker 1: And I did, and it's what happened. I never went back.
23:53
Speaker 1: But in hindsight, iFilm to look at it, acting wasn't
23:55
Speaker 1: the problem. It wasn't the cause. It was me constantly
23:58
Speaker 1: comparing myself to I thought I needed to be in
24:01
Speaker 1: comparing myself to these other people, and getting really butt
24:04
Speaker 1: hurt when someone would succeed and I wouldn't, and I thought, well,
24:07
Speaker 1: what am I supposed to be or what will it
24:08
Speaker 1: take for me? It was this kind of internal narrative
24:13
Speaker 1: that was getting worse and worse and worse. I think now,
24:16
Speaker 1: had I approached acting in the same way with I mean,
24:20
Speaker 1: in the same way with the mindset that I developed
24:23
Speaker 1: once I quit, I would have had a much better time.
24:26
Speaker 1: I might not have succeeded because you also need to
24:28
Speaker 1: have great acting skills, which maybe I didn't have, but
24:31
Speaker 1: I know I would have had a much better time
24:32
Speaker 1: if I was able to use what I have learned
24:34
Speaker 1: now back then. And I guess it's you know, it's
24:37
Speaker 1: a bit of like it's kind of a catch two.
24:40
Speaker 1: You kind of need to go through the trenches to
24:41
Speaker 1: then gain the wisdom. But if I had the wisdom
24:44
Speaker 1: of how to experience things now back then, I know
24:47
Speaker 1: it at the very least, I would have had a
24:48
Speaker 1: much better time. I would have enjoyed it way more.
24:51
Speaker 1: And I probably could have stuck it out longer. Whether
24:56
Speaker 1: I wanted to or not, it's irrelevant. So it's kind
24:59
Speaker 1: of a really powerful full metaphor when you're thinking about,
25:02
Speaker 1: like when you think the solution is to quit a job,
25:05
Speaker 1: a relationship, all of that, I think it's first important
25:09
Speaker 1: that you start to untangle your identity and this external validation.
25:14
Speaker 1: You start thinking, this can't be a representation of who
25:17
Speaker 1: I am as an individual. It's okay to go through
25:20
Speaker 1: hard times. It's okay for things not to be working
25:22
Speaker 1: out at the pace that I want it to be
25:23
Speaker 1: working at and still feel happy within yourself and still
25:26
Speaker 1: feel like it's not a representation of who you are
25:29
Speaker 1: as an individual. And the only way to get out
25:31
Speaker 1: of that is by comparing and seeing where you are
25:34
Speaker 1: with other people. You know, you are going to find
25:36
Speaker 1: that you will compare yourself so much more to other
25:38
Speaker 1: people if you are not providing internal validation for yourself, Okay,
25:44
Speaker 1: if it's all external, comparison goes up. Once you start
25:48
Speaker 1: increasing your internal validation by doing things that feel good
25:50
Speaker 1: for yourself irrespective of what's going on outside of you
25:53
Speaker 1: and what other people are doing and what their timelines are,
25:56
Speaker 1: you're going to notice a huge YouTube difference. Now, I
26:03
Speaker 1: want to talk about a topic that is something that
26:07
Speaker 1: we all mention or talk about, sometimes jokingly and sometimes
26:10
Speaker 1: it's dead serious. And it's this concept of triggers, things
26:13
Speaker 1: that that triggers me that I'm triggered, and when it
26:17
Speaker 1: comes to insecurity is not feeling good about yourself. Triggers
26:21
Speaker 1: are really prominent, Like they really play a huge role
26:24
Speaker 1: in our life when we feel shit about ourselves. One
26:27
Speaker 1: thing to note is triggers don't create insecurity. They reveal
26:31
Speaker 1: what's kind of happening underneath. It's kind of a little alarm.
26:35
Speaker 1: So a trigger will say like, for example, like you
26:38
Speaker 1: might say that person makes me feel like shit, that
26:40
Speaker 1: situation triggers me. This social media account triggers me. It
26:44
Speaker 1: ruins my confidence. But that's not completely what's happening. Like
26:48
Speaker 1: I said, it doesn't create insecurity. It's going to wake
26:51
Speaker 1: up what is already there. It's going to wake up
26:53
Speaker 1: what is underlying. So, for example, say you're quite. You know,
26:57
Speaker 1: if someone talks about money, success, financially, all these things
27:01
Speaker 1: and you feel perfectly fine, you're probably secure in that area, Okay,
27:06
Speaker 1: But the moment someone talks about maybe dating or relationships,
27:12
Speaker 1: or maybe something about physical appearance, and it hits a
27:16
Speaker 1: nerve that's your brain saying this is a vulnerable point
27:20
Speaker 1: for me. There's something unresolved to that I don't feel
27:23
Speaker 1: good about, and it's made me feel It's like it's
27:25
Speaker 1: made me arc up. It's made me feel all this adrenaline.
27:28
Speaker 1: I feel like I've got to get the fuck away.
27:30
Speaker 1: I don't want to face this right now. Okay, now,
27:33
Speaker 1: to an extent, yes, you can be removing the trigger,
27:38
Speaker 1: but if you only ever remove the trigger without looking
27:42
Speaker 1: at this unresolved issue, the issue is never going to
27:46
Speaker 1: completely go away. You're just protecting yourself from facing that issue.
27:50
Speaker 1: So I think it is always important to look at
27:53
Speaker 1: where is it possible for me to actually crack this
27:55
Speaker 1: open and look at it right, say, for example, with
27:58
Speaker 1: my podcast, if I felt triggered every time I saw
28:03
Speaker 1: another podcast in the mental health space do better than mine,
28:08
Speaker 1: the solution wouldn't be to unfollow every other podcaster in
28:12
Speaker 1: the mental health space and to like mute them or
28:14
Speaker 1: block them or not, because that doesn't take away the problem,
28:18
Speaker 1: does it. The problem for me is why do I
28:20
Speaker 1: feel Why would I feel that way? Why would I
28:22
Speaker 1: feel like I can't stand on my own even though
28:24
Speaker 1: another podcast are in the same space is doing better
28:27
Speaker 1: than mine. If I can really address that and think
28:29
Speaker 1: different audiences, we talk about different things, we can both
28:32
Speaker 1: exist at the same time. We don't have to compete
28:33
Speaker 1: with each other. We can both coexist. I actually really
28:35
Speaker 1: like that other podcaster. Maybe I can celebrate things that
28:38
Speaker 1: this podcaster does. Maybe I can appreciate all these things.
28:41
Speaker 1: Then I can feel really good about my podcast while
28:44
Speaker 1: still knowing that that other one exists in its own right,
28:48
Speaker 1: might be more successful than mine, might have a bigger
28:50
Speaker 1: audience than mine, might have topic ideas that I'd never
28:53
Speaker 1: thought about, and I thought, oh, come Lily, I've never
28:55
Speaker 1: thought about that and this person did. But still celebrate
28:57
Speaker 1: both things because I've been really focusing on what makes
29:00
Speaker 1: my mind instead of thinking, how can I be more
29:02
Speaker 1: like that? And if I can't emulate exactly what they're doing,
29:04
Speaker 1: I've got to block them so I don't get triggered,
29:06
Speaker 1: because the problem is by just removing the trigger, all
29:10
Speaker 1: I'm saying is I can't handle looking at that, which
29:13
Speaker 1: might be the case, But then it's also saying I'm
29:16
Speaker 1: never going to be able to handle it, instead of thinking,
29:18
Speaker 1: it's true that I can't handle it right now, but
29:21
Speaker 1: are the systems that I can put into place that
29:23
Speaker 1: I'm able to better equip myself next time this quote
29:26
Speaker 1: unquote trigger comes into my space because I also don't
29:30
Speaker 1: want to feel like I now have to protect my
29:32
Speaker 1: space so much that I can't allow these triggers to happen,
29:36
Speaker 1: instead of thinking, why did I learn to deal with
29:38
Speaker 1: this and process it in a really healthy way so
29:41
Speaker 1: that way I don't have to freak out that a
29:42
Speaker 1: trigger might appear. Another example that I can give you
29:46
Speaker 1: is if you are someone who's quite jealous in a
29:48
Speaker 1: relationship because you're always comparing yourself to other people. Let's
29:52
Speaker 1: say hypothetically, we're comparing ourselves to people that we deem
29:56
Speaker 1: to be pretr more beautiful, hotter than us. Right. If
30:00
Speaker 1: you're always in this position, then you're never going to
30:02
Speaker 1: want your partner to hang out with someone who you
30:05
Speaker 1: deem to be better looking than yourself, right, because that
30:08
Speaker 1: is a trigger. So then you start being too protective.
30:11
Speaker 1: You're too protective of the space of what your partner does.
30:14
Speaker 1: You're protecting, you're protecting, you're hoarding. You're hoarding, I can't.
30:17
Speaker 1: You're trying to control the outside instead of controlling the inside.
30:22
Speaker 1: It's so much easier. It doesn't feel like it, but
30:24
Speaker 1: it is so much easier long term to control what's
30:28
Speaker 1: going on inside. Then we don't have to worry what's
30:30
Speaker 1: going on outside. But if you spend all your energy
30:32
Speaker 1: trying to control what's going out, what's going on outside,
30:35
Speaker 1: to protect your vulnerable feelings inside, you're never going to
30:38
Speaker 1: get there. You're never going to feel in control, and
30:40
Speaker 1: it's never going to feel like the job is done.
30:43
Speaker 1: When you do, when you focus on the inside, you
30:45
Speaker 1: can feel like the job is done because you can
30:47
Speaker 1: get to a point where you can coexist with something
30:49
Speaker 1: that you used to feel like a trigger, but you've
30:51
Speaker 1: dealt with the underlying insecurities. It's no longer becoming insecurity
30:54
Speaker 1: because you've realized, you know what it was telling you,
30:57
Speaker 1: and how did it start validating yourself internally and then
31:00
Speaker 1: you started feeling a whole lot better about the situation.
31:02
Speaker 1: If you're always saying, again back to my example, which
31:04
Speaker 1: I'm going on a tangent, if you're always saying, my partner,
31:07
Speaker 1: you know, can't be around their colleagues because they're so
31:10
Speaker 1: hot or I feel really and you're trying to not
31:12
Speaker 1: let them go for after work drinks, not let them
31:14
Speaker 1: hang out with their best friend who's really really hot,
31:15
Speaker 1: and now they don't need that best friend because they've
31:17
Speaker 1: got met Note right, you're not solving anything. You're actually
31:21
Speaker 1: causing a bigger issue. And I can guarantee you you
31:23
Speaker 1: don't feel more confident by doing that. You do not
31:26
Speaker 1: feel more confident by not letting your partner hang out
31:29
Speaker 1: with people that you deem to be hotter. Okay, the
31:31
Speaker 1: issue hasn't been resolved. What you could do is say, okay, here,
31:35
Speaker 1: I am just eating myself up alive because my partner's
31:39
Speaker 1: coworkers are really hot. What I could do is say, hey,
31:42
Speaker 1: I know you've got drinks with your coworkers after work.
31:44
Speaker 1: Maybe I could drop in and meet them. I'd actually
31:46
Speaker 1: love to meet them. You seem to get along really
31:47
Speaker 1: well with them, you know, you know, maybe I also
31:50
Speaker 1: would get along with them. Once you start finding, you know,
31:52
Speaker 1: things that you align with, the jealousy starts to go
31:56
Speaker 1: away and you think, wait a minute, this person's actually
31:58
Speaker 1: quite cool. No wonder my partner enjoyed hanging out with them.
32:00
Speaker 1: It's got nothing to do like look and honestly, can
32:02
Speaker 1: I just say if you're saying, oh, you know, but
32:04
Speaker 1: my partner's just it's probably a red flag in your
32:06
Speaker 1: partner's probably cheating on you. If you feel like, absolutely not,
32:09
Speaker 1: I could never meet this person. But in general, I'm
32:11
Speaker 1: talking about healthy relationships here where people you know, don't
32:16
Speaker 1: have infidelity. Left right and center. You can probably find
32:19
Speaker 1: that many things that you like about this person, and
32:21
Speaker 1: then that's where jealousy melts away. When you start connecting
32:25
Speaker 1: instead of comparing, that jealousy will melt away so fucking fuss.
32:30
Speaker 1: You won't even you want to be able to you know,
32:33
Speaker 1: the same thing goes when when you're in a situation
32:35
Speaker 1: where you first meet someone that you might find intimidating.
32:38
Speaker 1: You might find that, oh, my god, this person is
32:40
Speaker 1: let's say it's a first day on the job, and
32:41
Speaker 1: you might say, oh, I initially really didn't like that person,
32:45
Speaker 1: but then when I got to know them, we became
32:46
Speaker 1: best friends. How often do you hear that, you know,
32:48
Speaker 1: whether it was in high school or at UNI, or
32:50
Speaker 1: like your friend's friend from another group, and you thought, well,
32:53
Speaker 1: there's such a big personality, they're so confident, there's such
32:56
Speaker 1: a so initially I felt insecure, thinking I can't marry
33:00
Speaker 1: up to that, So I don't like them. That's my
33:02
Speaker 1: initial thought because it's a trigger. So instead of thinking, wow,
33:05
Speaker 1: it's not that I don't like this person because they're
33:07
Speaker 1: an asshole that are can't hold, they really mean, I
33:09
Speaker 1: actually don't like them because it wakes up this unpleasant
33:12
Speaker 1: feeling within myself. But then for so many people, once
33:15
Speaker 1: they got to know that person, they ended up becoming
33:17
Speaker 1: best friends. They ended up being like, I can't believe
33:20
Speaker 1: I was here comparing myself and pitting myself against you
33:22
Speaker 1: and not liking you, and now you're one of my
33:24
Speaker 1: favorite people in the fucking world. Okay, So this is
33:28
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about when we talk about triggers. Okay,
33:31
Speaker 1: triggers feel really painful and personal because they kind of
33:34
Speaker 1: bypass logic. You don't really sit there and calmly analyze
33:38
Speaker 1: what a trigger is. You feel it in your body.
33:41
Speaker 1: It's this tightness. You feel irritated, you feel defensive, and
33:44
Speaker 1: of course you start comparing yourself. This is your brain saying,
33:48
Speaker 1: am I enough? Am I falling behind? Am I you know?
33:53
Speaker 1: Can I live up to that person's standards? Am I
33:55
Speaker 1: you know? Hot enough, smart enough, funny enough? Am I
33:59
Speaker 1: safe in this situation? Can I live alongside this person
34:04
Speaker 1: with them constantly triggering me? This is all just self
34:08
Speaker 1: doubt and you're you know, you know, lapses within your self,
34:12
Speaker 1: esteeving your self confidence, looking for evidence outside of you. Okay.
34:16
Speaker 1: Triggers will show up in your life when you are
34:20
Speaker 1: outsourcing your validation or your self worth. Okay, So if
34:24
Speaker 1: you're triggered by someone else's hotness or appearance, you're tying
34:28
Speaker 1: your self worth to how you look, and that's where
34:32
Speaker 1: your self worth comes from. That's why it's triggering because
34:35
Speaker 1: it's a threat, right, because they're hotter than you, and
34:38
Speaker 1: that equals more worth than you. Same as success. If
34:41
Speaker 1: you're triggered by your friend's success, you're tying your self
34:44
Speaker 1: worth to achievement. You're saying that I don't feel worthy
34:46
Speaker 1: unless I'm achieving things, okay. Same as when someone gets
34:50
Speaker 1: into a relationship or gets engaged. If that triggers you,
34:52
Speaker 1: you're saying my self worth is tied to being chosen
34:56
Speaker 1: or being in a relationship, and being alone means that
34:59
Speaker 1: I'm not worthy. The same goes for all sorts of things, confidence,
35:02
Speaker 1: all sorts of things. Okay. So instead of asking yourself,
35:06
Speaker 1: why does this thing or this individual annoy me or
35:10
Speaker 1: trigger me? Instead you should be asking yourself what standard
35:16
Speaker 1: am I trying to live up to? And is this
35:18
Speaker 1: a fair standard? Am I telling myself that my self
35:21
Speaker 1: worth comes from something that's outside of me? Where it's
35:24
Speaker 1: not actually the case, because like I said, it kind
35:26
Speaker 1: of goes unchecked and it's not logic. When you bring
35:31
Speaker 1: logic into it, you start to feel a lot calmer.
35:34
Speaker 1: You need to name it entertainment. You need to be
35:36
Speaker 1: aware of it and face it at some point, you're
35:38
Speaker 1: going to have to sit down and face your triggers,
35:41
Speaker 1: and for the most part, you will be able to
35:43
Speaker 1: talk yourself out of it through logic, through being like,
35:47
Speaker 1: what is this thing that I'm feeling? What am I
35:50
Speaker 1: tying my self worth to when this trigger, you know,
35:53
Speaker 1: lands in my lap? Okay, because the trigger isn't just
35:56
Speaker 1: out of the blue for no reason. There's a reason
35:59
Speaker 1: why that thing is reminding you of something that's making
36:02
Speaker 1: you feel, you know, self confident, or lacking in self worth,
36:08
Speaker 1: or feeling shit about yourself. And that is why long
36:12
Speaker 1: term avoiding triggers doesn't work. When we talk about social
36:16
Speaker 1: media as well, I do believe that it is healthy
36:20
Speaker 1: just to do a bit of a cleanse on your
36:21
Speaker 1: social media, because the social media isn't a reflection of
36:24
Speaker 1: real world things. But I don't think that the answer
36:27
Speaker 1: to removing triggers is by just muting. I'm following muting
36:31
Speaker 1: and just like curating your entire world so much that
36:34
Speaker 1: you're just like, oh, I just never have to see
36:35
Speaker 1: that thing and then I'll be fine. You still have
36:37
Speaker 1: to ask yourself what the underlying issue is. I actually
36:39
Speaker 1: don't think there's anything wrong with culling and muting and
36:42
Speaker 1: unfollowing things that that doesn't bring you happiness or joy.
36:45
Speaker 1: But be careful when you do that and ask yourself,
36:48
Speaker 1: is it because I just don't align with this and
36:50
Speaker 1: it doesn't bring me joy and I really don't need
36:52
Speaker 1: to be spending that much time on social media? So
36:53
Speaker 1: I'm going to be more specific or am I muting
36:57
Speaker 1: or blocking or whatever? Because it's just remind you know,
37:01
Speaker 1: like because I'm refusing to look at why I'm tying
37:04
Speaker 1: my self worth to this thing. Okay, You've got to
37:06
Speaker 1: find that balance because if you're living your whole life avoiding, avoiding, avoiding,
37:11
Speaker 1: then that's not the answer either. You're not going to
37:13
Speaker 1: feel better just by avoiding. It's a combination. Okay, you
37:18
Speaker 1: have to Yes, you can avoid and curate at the
37:21
Speaker 1: same time, ask yourself, why do I feel insecure? Why
37:25
Speaker 1: do I feel like there's like a lack in this area?
37:29
Speaker 1: Because if you don't, that quote unquote trigger is going
37:32
Speaker 1: to just reappear somewhere else. It's going to reappear in
37:35
Speaker 1: a different job, in a different account that you follow,
37:37
Speaker 1: in a different partner, same fucking feeling, it's the same thing. Okay,
37:41
Speaker 1: So look at it as information that you can learn
37:44
Speaker 1: from about how you feel about yourself and about how
37:47
Speaker 1: you talk to yourself, and about what your beliefs are.
37:49
Speaker 1: And then you can ask are these beliefs true? Are
37:51
Speaker 1: they accurate? Are they a lie? All these things? Now,
37:54
Speaker 1: what can you do when you see yourself competing or
37:59
Speaker 1: like comparing yourself to people outside of you. You don't
38:02
Speaker 1: have to completely think, oh well, I can't do that anymore.
38:05
Speaker 1: I can't use that as a tool. If you start noticing,
38:09
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm really comparing myself or I'm trying
38:11
Speaker 1: to compete with this person, ask yourself, Okay, what is
38:14
Speaker 1: it that I really like about this person that I
38:16
Speaker 1: can you know, emulate or I can learn to do
38:20
Speaker 1: or learn. You know, you don't have to instantly be like,
38:22
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is the fight. I can't. I can't.
38:24
Speaker 1: I can't now, I've got to find all it all
38:25
Speaker 1: has to come from me, and I can't. Often, even
38:28
Speaker 1: when we think we don't like that personal we don't know,
38:31
Speaker 1: you know. Like I gave the example of when you
38:32
Speaker 1: feel insecure by a strong energy, you initially think you
38:35
Speaker 1: don't like them, but it turns out it was just
38:37
Speaker 1: you know someone triggering your insecurity about yourself. This also
38:41
Speaker 1: happens in many other areas when we meet other people.
38:44
Speaker 1: Instead of thinking I now have to compete with this person,
38:47
Speaker 1: I have to be better than this person I X
38:49
Speaker 1: Y Z, ask yourself, what can I learn from this person?
38:52
Speaker 1: Maybe there's something in them that I've yeah identified a lack.
38:56
Speaker 1: But instead of thinking now this is a huge problem,
38:59
Speaker 1: I don't feel good about myself, Ask myself, Okay, maybe
39:02
Speaker 1: they've highlighted a lack in my life, but maybe this
39:04
Speaker 1: is an opportunity for me to learn from them. Let's
39:08
Speaker 1: say someone's a better I'll use myself as an example. Again.
39:11
Speaker 1: Let's say someone's a better podcaster than me. I just
39:13
Speaker 1: prefer how they podcasting me. Instead of thinking, oh god,
39:15
Speaker 1: I can never listen to them again. Oh my god,
39:17
Speaker 1: I hope they've fucking fallen there us and fail. I
39:18
Speaker 1: hope they're fucking microphone breaks, I could think, why do
39:22
Speaker 1: I think that that podcast is better? What do I like?
39:24
Speaker 1: Do I like their segments more? Do I think that
39:26
Speaker 1: they speak clearly? Do they not ramble as much as
39:29
Speaker 1: I do? Do they? You know, there's many many things
39:32
Speaker 1: that I could break apart that I think, Okay, yeah, cool,
39:35
Speaker 1: there's a lot that I actually could learn from them,
39:37
Speaker 1: and then there's certain things that I like about them.
39:39
Speaker 1: But it just wouldn't work. If I were to do
39:40
Speaker 1: it like it would just I would lose the essence
39:42
Speaker 1: of my podcast. So I won't be able to do
39:44
Speaker 1: that anyway. But I can learn from it and like
39:45
Speaker 1: it instantly. Instantly, I already like that podcast and more.
39:50
Speaker 1: I already feel more of a connection and more of oh,
39:53
Speaker 1: you know, we're both in the same industry, and now
39:54
Speaker 1: I can learn. I feel more empowered. I feel like
39:57
Speaker 1: I have control over the situation. Again. You can do
39:59
Speaker 1: that with colleagues. You can do that with your partner's friends.
40:03
Speaker 1: You can do that with your friends. You can like
40:05
Speaker 1: things about someone else and think I like how they
40:08
Speaker 1: carry themselves in public. I like how they don't feel
40:10
Speaker 1: the need to explain themselves. I like how this person
40:13
Speaker 1: doesn't collapse when they're not chosen. I like how they
40:15
Speaker 1: thrive being single. I like x yzed. Okay, you are
40:20
Speaker 1: able to see the beauty in other people and in
40:23
Speaker 1: what they have to teach you, what you can learn
40:25
Speaker 1: from them, what they have to offer, even just from observation,
40:28
Speaker 1: when you stop holding them as you know, the enemy,
40:32
Speaker 1: the person that you're comparing yourself to. If they succeed,
40:35
Speaker 1: I fail. That kind of thing, this black and white thinking.
40:37
Speaker 1: Look at these other people in a way as either
40:40
Speaker 1: inspiration or a mentor, even if they're not like a
40:42
Speaker 1: personal mentor, even if they don't even know that they're
40:44
Speaker 1: your mentor. You can really get inspiration from other people.
40:47
Speaker 1: Whenever you feel that sense of I have to compete,
40:50
Speaker 1: ask yourself, stop, I don't have to compete, But why
40:53
Speaker 1: do I feel this way about this particular person. There's
40:55
Speaker 1: obviously something that they have that I own, and maybe
40:58
Speaker 1: I can learn from that thing that they have, be
41:00
Speaker 1: how they got it or how they are, or a
41:03
Speaker 1: personality trait that I really like, instead of thinking they
41:07
Speaker 1: have to go down in order for me to feel good. Now,
41:10
Speaker 1: one thing that I really wanted to touch on before I
41:12
Speaker 1: get to the end of the episode is this idea
41:14
Speaker 1: of competing for somebody's love and affection, whether it be
41:19
Speaker 1: This is mainly mainly mainly mainly for a partner, but
41:22
Speaker 1: this can also happen if you're very competitive with your
41:25
Speaker 1: siblings and you're trying to compete for your parents' approval
41:28
Speaker 1: over your sibling's approval. You're trying to compete for your
41:31
Speaker 1: boss's approval over the other person's approval. It's this kind
41:34
Speaker 1: of competitive nature where you think it's me or this
41:36
Speaker 1: person that's going to get this love. We can't all
41:38
Speaker 1: have it, so I have to compete for it. Mainly,
41:41
Speaker 1: it's going to happen with romantic relationships, so you're trying
41:45
Speaker 1: to compete for the love of somebody. You should never, ever,
41:49
Speaker 1: ever have to compete for the affection and the love
41:54
Speaker 1: of somebody. If you're dating in the dating scene and
41:57
Speaker 1: you're like, I need to win this person over. I'm
42:00
Speaker 1: going to use a man as an example, but you
42:02
Speaker 1: this obviously can be for anyone. Let's say you're trying
42:05
Speaker 1: to win the love of this man over and he's
42:06
Speaker 1: dating you, and he's dating another person at the same time,
42:10
Speaker 1: or not even dating yet. He's chatting to you, but
42:12
Speaker 1: you know that he's chatting to someone else, so you're
42:14
Speaker 1: trying to compete. You're trying to compete. You're trying to compete.
42:16
Speaker 1: The moment you feel like you are competing, you think
42:21
Speaker 1: you're fighting for love, but you're not. You're fighting for approval.
42:25
Speaker 1: This idea of fighting for love needs to be reframed completely.
42:29
Speaker 1: The only time you are fighting for love is when
42:33
Speaker 1: both people in a relationship have gone through hardship and
42:37
Speaker 1: both those people are mutually working to mend what has happened,
42:43
Speaker 1: mend something, and they're working together to fight for the relationship,
42:47
Speaker 1: to fight for each other mutually. It doesn't work if
42:50
Speaker 1: it's only one person in the dynamic who's fighting. That's
42:53
Speaker 1: fighting for approval. You're not fighting for love. You're fighting
42:56
Speaker 1: for approval. Big difference. So never trick yourself. Don't do
43:00
Speaker 1: yourself the disservice of lying to yourself and acting like
43:03
Speaker 1: a romantic and saying I'm fighting for love here bullshit. Okay,
43:08
Speaker 1: you're hurting yourself. You're actually hurting yourself in the process.
43:11
Speaker 1: If someone's like, h take it or leave it with you,
43:13
Speaker 1: and you're calling it love and I'm fighting for love, No,
43:15
Speaker 1: you're not. You're fighting for approval. You're fighting for validation,
43:18
Speaker 1: whether you realize it or not. You're fighting to be chosen.
43:21
Speaker 1: And when you fight to be chosen, you're not choosing yourself.
43:24
Speaker 1: Very important, and you have to remind yourself of that.
43:27
Speaker 1: Walk away, walk away, If you're just here to have
43:31
Speaker 1: fun and fuck around, whatever, go for gold. But if
43:33
Speaker 1: you really like this person and this person is trying
43:35
Speaker 1: to choose between you and them, I can guarantee you
43:37
Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do now to make their decision easier. Okay,
43:42
Speaker 1: if they can't see just by hanging out with you
43:46
Speaker 1: that you've got the traits or the characteristics or the
43:48
Speaker 1: qualities in the partner that they want you trying to
43:52
Speaker 1: one up the other person isn't going to do it
43:53
Speaker 1: for them. They might need time, they might need to
43:57
Speaker 1: step away. Whatever. It doesn't make them a good person
43:59
Speaker 1: or a bad person, doesn't make anything. But I can
44:00
Speaker 1: tell you right now you hear battling it out with
44:03
Speaker 1: somebody else, it's only going to hurt you. It only
44:06
Speaker 1: hurts you because in the long term, even if you win,
44:10
Speaker 1: you think, oh, well, I had to do all of
44:13
Speaker 1: these things in order to win that person's in faction.
44:14
Speaker 1: I had to see you. It's reinforcing that that's how
44:18
Speaker 1: you have to behave in order to be chosen again,
44:19
Speaker 1: I have to be all these extra things in order
44:21
Speaker 1: to be chosen, And then that mentality is going to
44:23
Speaker 1: reappear in other areas of your life. If you've been
44:27
Speaker 1: able to get to know this person and they've gotten
44:28
Speaker 1: to know you, and if they still can't make up
44:30
Speaker 1: their mind, that's okay. But I don't need to be
44:33
Speaker 1: here anymore. If you can't make up your mind, I'm
44:35
Speaker 1: not going to hold it against you. It's just that
44:37
Speaker 1: the decision isn't clear enough. And is that good enough?
44:40
Speaker 1: If someone's arming and ring about you, is that enough?
44:43
Speaker 1: Is that the love you've dreamed up for yourself. I'd
44:47
Speaker 1: rather be single than have someone like And there's someone
44:51
Speaker 1: else also there on the horizon. And I'm not talking
44:54
Speaker 1: about day one when you've just met them, because obviously
44:56
Speaker 1: you can't know someone straight away. But if it's gone
44:58
Speaker 1: on for a little bit and you're falling, falling and
45:00
Speaker 1: falling for this person, you're hurting yourself by staying. If
45:04
Speaker 1: you think that you're going to compete and fight and
45:06
Speaker 1: you're gonna win this person over over someone else, it's
45:08
Speaker 1: never gonna work like that if they've had an affair.
45:11
Speaker 1: If you're with someone and they've had an affair and
45:13
Speaker 1: you're trying to win your husband back, don't is all
45:17
Speaker 1: I have to say? Walk away? Walk away? Now having
45:21
Speaker 1: said that. I have seen relationships marriages come back from
45:25
Speaker 1: an affair. But you need to let that person want
45:29
Speaker 1: If you ever want to mend your marriage or whatever,
45:31
Speaker 1: that person who's done the cheating needs to want you,
45:36
Speaker 1: want you back. They need to want to be in
45:39
Speaker 1: the marriage. You will never ever ever feel comfortable or
45:42
Speaker 1: happy or successful in a relationship when you think that
45:45
Speaker 1: you fought to pull them back in when it hasn't
45:48
Speaker 1: been off their own volition. They have to want it, okay,
45:51
Speaker 1: no matter how painful it is. So if someone doesn't
45:53
Speaker 1: want you, you're fighting for validation. Okay. So I really
45:59
Speaker 1: had to just fucking drill that into you because there's
46:03
Speaker 1: so many bright, intelligent listeners that right into me, and
46:06
Speaker 1: I can tell that they're switched on and smart, but
46:08
Speaker 1: they're drowning in a glass of water because they're fighting
46:11
Speaker 1: for the love of somebody who doesn't love them back.
46:13
Speaker 1: Wasting your time. You're wasting your time. You've got better
46:15
Speaker 1: shit to do. You've got bigger fucking fish to fry.
46:19
Speaker 1: This fish is not one of them. Now. The last
46:21
Speaker 1: point that I wanted to talk about in this episode
46:23
Speaker 1: is what competition is actually worth it? The only kind
46:27
Speaker 1: of competition that is healthy is healthy competition with yourself.
46:34
Speaker 1: This is kind of growth over ranking. It's how am
46:38
Speaker 1: I expanding? How am I evolving? How am I learning
46:42
Speaker 1: from my mistakes? And because of those mistakes, I'm improving.
46:46
Speaker 1: You're not, you know, tearing yourself apart with negative self talk.
46:50
Speaker 1: But it's constructive and because of this, I'm able to
46:54
Speaker 1: have this nice, healthy competition with like the old version
46:58
Speaker 1: of myself in a lighthearted it's more kind of growth.
47:01
Speaker 1: It's not I'm fighting against myself, so I can't like
47:05
Speaker 1: it's never should be a punishment when you try to
47:07
Speaker 1: better yourself. You should never be punishing yourself and suffering.
47:11
Speaker 1: It should always feel like you are doing something nice
47:14
Speaker 1: for yourself. It feels like you're expanding on who you are,
47:16
Speaker 1: in your skills, in your relationships. And then you can
47:19
Speaker 1: make it like a fun thing, especially when we're talking
47:20
Speaker 1: about skills and things like that, where you can kind
47:23
Speaker 1: of compete with your old self to see can I
47:25
Speaker 1: get a better time? Can I get a PB? Can
47:27
Speaker 1: I this? Can I that? But we don't want to
47:30
Speaker 1: make it a comparison against something outside of ourselves. You
47:34
Speaker 1: always want to think it is always easier to control
47:36
Speaker 1: what's within than it is to control what is without.
47:40
Speaker 1: When you are trying to compete and control the things without,
47:43
Speaker 1: you will never feel in control ever because you firstly
47:46
Speaker 1: you can't control things outside of you. At best, you
47:49
Speaker 1: can influence, and then when you try and constantly try
47:53
Speaker 1: and control that, those are the people that become really controlling.
47:56
Speaker 1: They're the ones that have lost control. If you look
47:59
Speaker 1: at the people that seem the calmest and the happiest
48:01
Speaker 1: in themselves, the most confident, the ones that really hold
48:04
Speaker 1: a room, whether they're extroverted or introverted, it doesn't matter.
48:07
Speaker 1: The ones that are really comfortable in their own skin,
48:09
Speaker 1: they're the ones that have control over themselves. They feel
48:12
Speaker 1: no need to control other people. That's why they're happy,
48:16
Speaker 1: That's why they're content with their growth. That's why they
48:19
Speaker 1: don't compare themselves against other people, whether it be financially,
48:22
Speaker 1: whether it be career wise, whether it be in looks, appearance,
48:25
Speaker 1: all of that with, you know, with relationships, whatever, because
48:29
Speaker 1: they're only focusing on what really they can control and
48:32
Speaker 1: what really matters, and that's within themselves. So all the
48:35
Speaker 1: triggers go away, all the feelings of jealousy goes away,
48:39
Speaker 1: because you only are focusing on really what can actually
48:43
Speaker 1: make you feel whole as a person, and that's by
48:45
Speaker 1: bringing that focus back into you. Okay, hopefully this really
48:49
Speaker 1: struck a chord with you and it made you feel
48:51
Speaker 1: like you can take way more control when it comes
48:53
Speaker 1: to comparison and competition against other people, and you feel
48:56
Speaker 1: like that is a chapter that can now be closed.
48:58
Speaker 1: You no longer have to really leaning into that. You
49:01
Speaker 1: can feel so much happier, so much better within yourself
49:05
Speaker 1: without even having to one up someone or do better
49:07
Speaker 1: than someone, will work harder. It's not about working harder
49:10
Speaker 1: or grinding it or doing something. It's about bringing the
49:12
Speaker 1: focus back in. It's about controlling what you can. Okay,
49:16
Speaker 1: that is all for today's episode. Thank you so much
49:18
Speaker 1: for tuning in and listening. It is Monday today. The
49:22
Speaker 1: Sydney Live Show is on Wednesday. We've got two days
49:25
Speaker 1: to go for the Sydney Live Show. There's going to
49:27
Speaker 1: be at least five hundred if not more, because we
49:30
Speaker 1: have still a few more days of ticket sales to go,
49:32
Speaker 1: a few that I get to see your beautiful faces
49:35
Speaker 1: and meet you, and I'm so excited. I can't wait.
49:39
Speaker 1: I think we've sold out at the VIP tickets by now,
49:42
Speaker 1: maybe we might have just like literally a handful left.
49:45
Speaker 1: But for the people that have bought the VIP tickets,
49:47
Speaker 1: we have a meet and great beforehand, and then there's
49:50
Speaker 1: a live show, and then we've got about an hour
49:52
Speaker 1: of drinks in the little bar at the venue as
49:54
Speaker 1: well for those of you that want to stun in
49:56
Speaker 1: cocktail and a chat. And then you can also meet
49:59
Speaker 1: other beans as well, So it's a really good opportunity
50:01
Speaker 1: to meet friends and expand your friendship group. Anyway, that's
50:05
Speaker 1: all I'm gonna stop rambling. Love you guys so much.
50:07
Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to
50:10
Speaker 1: your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
50:13
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Dunker