Latest / Three Rebel Souls / Episode 13: Control - the illusion of safety

Transcript

Episode 13: Control - the illusion of safety · Three Rebel Souls

• 0:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good morning Hello, hello.
• 0:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: I wish that everyone could see that- It's time and hear it.
• 0:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know.
• 0:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: And go.
• 0:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's time.
• 0:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: How is everyone today?
• 0:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm still tired from Friday night.
• 0:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it was all worth it.
• 0:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had so much fun.
• 0:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, like, you can even hear it in my voice too, right?
• 0:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 0:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm too old, so I need more time to recuperate now.
• 0:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, no, I'm not too old.
• 0:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just that I'm older and I need more time to recuperate.
• 0:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's all.
• 0:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: How are you guys?
• 0:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good.
• 0:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh, busy day ahead.
• 0:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: So got some stuff moved around yesterday, so back on the Prepping- Nice the house.
• 1:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've been looking at rentals and yeah, so we'll see.
• 1:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: So exciting.
• 1:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yay.
• 1:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: One month.
• 1:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: One month to go?
• 1:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Till I get the court date, so.
• 1:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 1:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 1:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 1:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 1:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Big deep breath deep breath.
• 1:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Big deep breath.
• 1:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I'm feeling the same today.
• 1:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: My divorce for those of you, sorry, that haven't been following.
• 1:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Sorry, Erica, go ahead.
• 1:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: I interrupted you.
• 1:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm gonna shut the fuck up while you say that again.
• 1:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, no, I'm done.
• 1:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: I just, for those who haven't maybe listened to previous episodes, I'm in a 60-day cooling off period for when the divorce is petitioned and to when I get a court date, so Uh.
• 2:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: I am also feeling, I think I'm feeling a bit scattered today 'cause there is a lot going on this weekend.
• 2:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 2:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think we just had a Had like a busy day yesterday, like getting a bunch of like projects and things done, and having a busy day today heading to a party later, and I still have to finish making
• 2:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: the Like I- I assembled everything this morning.
• 2:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: It still has to go in the oven right before I leave the house today so that it arrives hot.
• 2:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: So.
• 2:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: What'd you make?
• 2:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Just, um, two tray, like, you know those silver like trays of- Yeah food, like the 13 by 9 trays.
• 2:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, one is beef and cheddar sliders- Ooh and one is pepperoni pizza sliders that you can like- Oh, I love them both.
• 2:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Dunk in, dunk in marinara sauce.
• 2:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: The beef and cheddar sliders are pretty baller.
• 3:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've never made the pepperoni pizza ones before, but the beef and cheddar ones are phenomenal.
• 3:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 3:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it's great for like I bought like the slider, the tiny rolls, but the big one from Costco, so it like fills the whole tray and you just like layer in the stuff- Mm and then dump the sauce
• 3:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: on top and bake it so it just gets like- Oh, yum flavor.
• 3:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 3:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I'm excited.
• 3:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it's easy to just like chop them up and- Right there's so many to go around for people.
• 3:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: What time should I be there?
• 3:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm not hungry, but now I'm hungry hearing them.
• 3:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, "Well, I could go for that."
• 3:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: If you'd like a good spread, come to any party- Mm that I'm a part of planning.
• 3:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's right.
• 3:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love, I love feeding people.
• 3:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 3:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yum.
• 3:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Sounds so good.
• 3:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 3:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Awesome.
• 3:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right.
• 3:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Are we ready to start talking about control?
• 4:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 4:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: As ready as I'll ever be.
• 4:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: We- yeah, that's exactly what I was just gonna say.
• 4:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 4:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, well, control came up a lot when we talked about people pleasing.
• 4:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 4:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh, I just listened to that last night.
• 4:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I even noticed it during the episode 'cause I knew we were gonna be talking about this soon.
• 4:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 4:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so every time it was mentioned I'm like, "Don't they get there?"
• 4:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, but it even came up in some of our previous episodes, um, which is why we made a note of it in general.
• 4:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: For me, I, I think I briefly touched on this, um, either in my episode or maybe...
• 4:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't remember where, but as a life path eight, power is, like, a theme in my life.
• 4:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 4:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh, which I found out when I had a session with a numerologist, and she asked me how power shows up.
• 4:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I was like, "Huh?
• 5:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: What, what do you mean power?
• 5:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't have any power."
• 5:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: But- And, uh, but I realized to me at that time, power equaled control.
• 5:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 5:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so I've been working on better defining, separating, and addressing those ever since, and I don't think I'm alone in that.
• 5:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, um, because control can, like, show up, uh, everywhere in a million different ways.
• 5:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Sometimes it's, like, right in your face, you can see it, but sometimes it's so subtle, right?
• 5:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Yeah it, I don't even realize that that's what was going on until much later- Yeah when I had time to sit with it for a little while.
• 5:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- I, yeah, I call it something else.
• 5:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: I justify it another way.
• 5:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 5:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 5:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Right whether it's me doing it or someone else doing it.
• 5:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 5:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 5:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, sometimes it...
• 6:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it's some...
• 6:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Anyway.
• 6:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll, we'll get into all of this.
• 6:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, um, I'm hoping this discussion helps me and- Yeah, me too someone listening, um, get just a little bit more awareness and some new tools when control pops up.
• 6:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: So to get us started here today, what does control look like you for, like, today?
• 6:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 6:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think I mentioned in the perfection episode how I like to, uh, call myself, like, a recovering perfectionist, 'cause this is something that I've been working on for a while.
• 6:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, like, for me, a lot of times the way that perfection shows up is in, like, creating the perfect plan- Mm-hmm which is about control.
• 6:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 6:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's either about, like, controlling the environment or the outcome or other people or whatever.
• 6:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I, I love a good plan, and I'm...
• 7:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, I'm a strong C on the DiSC profile, like, highly analytical, gather all the data and evidence, find the best way, the most efficient way, the most effective way.
• 7:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, my brain is wired for, like, optimization.
• 7:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 7:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so for me, um, control is, like, the...
• 7:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's the, it's putting together the perfect plan and then executing that plan.
• 7:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 7:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then, like, the Uh, like for me, I guess that's a way to create safety.
• 7:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, it makes me feel safe.
• 7:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 7:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Feeling like I've got all the information and I've got a plan.
• 7:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: A plan makes me feel safe.
• 7:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: So that's what, I feel like that's how control shows up the most for me.
• 7:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 7:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm, I, I'm not really sure how to answer this, honestly, 'cause I don't think that I'm as aware of like When I'm looking to control things, um Well, what about when it From other people Oh, yeah.
• 8:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, I feel like That I'm mo- a little more aware, right?
• 8:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, when I see, like, someone wants to...
• 8:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, because then also, like, then, then the people-pleasing comes up then, right?
• 8:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I see someone trying to control something, and then I feel that discomfort, and then I have to, like, figure out what that's telling me.
• 8:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, is it that I want to people-please, or is it that I'm just rejecting what they're saying?
• 8:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 8:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like I have to decipher because I feel like for so long I didn't know the difference, right?
• 8:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Again, like we, we always talk about our sensitivities and I didn't know where one person ended and where I began.
• 8:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was just all enmeshed.
• 8:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so, um, but yeah, I guess I ha- I, I do- Notice a little more when someone wants to control a situation- Mm with me, and then, um Well, I mean, I learned To have the boundary just to
• 9:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: say n- no even through the discomfort.
• 9:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: And maybe in that moment I just, I didn't look at it as like, "Oh, they're trying to control this."
• 9:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um But maybe I noticed it like afterwards.
• 9:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: But yeah, that's, um Yeah, I mean, like, I mean, I agree with Eric.
• 9:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like it is about safety, right?
• 9:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, in that, in that moment what I'm thinking about is, like, whether it's coming from someone outside or, or maybe me trying to get an outcome that I want, it's about safety.
• 10:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's about doing- That's just it.
• 10:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 10:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or even, uh, like for me, the thing that comes up as it, like, relates to other people that we talked about a little bit in people pleasing is, like, controlling perception.
• 10:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 10:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 10:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, my people pleasing is about controlling what other people think about me even though- Yeah I actually don't have any fucking control over that.
• 10:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I mean...
• 10:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think I do.
• 10:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's, it's an illusion though.
• 10:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I can't...
• 10:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it's about, like, being the easy, the agreeable one, the one, like, you know what I mean?
• 10:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 10:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: The one who- Yeah is, is helpful or whatever.
• 10:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: S- And I'm trying to control perception Well, speaking about people pleasing, Adriana, you said multiple times that it didn't feel good.
• 10:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: What did it feel like in your body?
• 10:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um It's like I get this, like, discomfort in, like, my, like, in, like, my chest and my solar plexus.
• 11:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- It's just like my- it's, it's almost like my whole body is screaming no.
• 11:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 11:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 11:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I'm like, "Ignore that.
• 11:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Go to your head.
• 11:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Think about it."
• 11:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 11:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh, I mean, and, and that's what I always did.
• 11:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's what I did most of my life.
• 11:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: But now I do pay attention to the feeling in my body 'cause now I know what that's telling me.
• 11:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, um- And then I have to just, through the discomfort of doing what's right for me, do or say what I need to do that's right for me to actually keep me safe, not to control the situation or
• 11:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: the perception for safety, but to do what's right for me 'cause that is what's keeping me safe.
• 11:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 11:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: difficult though.
• 11:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's interesting.
• 11:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 11:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 12:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: When I think about when people try to obviously control me, like, they're just upfront, like, in your face.
• 12:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 12:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, do the thing because- Oh, yeah, no I said so or whatever.
• 12:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that's a very different feeling to me.
• 12:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, with my Aries moon and my Taurus sun, it's like multiple things happen, right?
• 12:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, now I have a steel rod in my spine and my heels are dug into the ground.
• 12:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 12:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, good luck trying to get me to do any fucking thing you just said because oh, hell no.
• 12:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Claire, when I was listening back to a prior episode and you said to me, like, "You will be astounded at-" Right.
• 12:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: You will.
• 12:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it made me laugh out loud when I listened back to that You'll be like, "Wow, what happened to this very agreeable, kind, mellow- Yeah patient person?"
• 13:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes, yes.
• 13:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, she's gone.
• 13:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: That girl's gone, and now you have- Yeah someone who will self-destruct just to fucking do the opposite thing of whatever you just said.
• 13:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: So yeah, it's, uh- That, that my friend is called demand avoidance.
• 13:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you have placed a demand on me, how fucking dare you?
• 13:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: I will absolutely not do that.
• 13:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you.
• 13:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Nope.
• 13:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: I will not meet that demand.
• 13:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you very much.
• 13:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whether it's in my best interest or not is irrelevant.
• 13:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, it doesn't matter.
• 13:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: It came from outside of me, and so no thank you.
• 13:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: No thank you.
• 13:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, or the way that you said it.
• 13:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh-huh.
• 13:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Mm.
• 13:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 13:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, you know, I mean, it's funny.
• 13:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like when it's that obvious, like when someone is that obviously- For sure trying to control, I, like I can tell 'cause like I've said before, you know?
• 13:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't like being told what to do.
• 13:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I feel it's more of the manipulative control.
• 13:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you know, when people do things- Yeah, the subtle one's much different yeah, the subtle ones.
• 13:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's when I'm like, ooh, I feel it, and I'm like...
• 14:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then it's like it just- There's a little like- Yeah.
• 14:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: like, it's like a little like blinky light that's like, "Hello."
• 14:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: "Hello."
• 14:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: This is the control, control.
• 14:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it's like, right, but it's really subtle- Yeah and I'm like, sometimes I'm like, am I paranoid?
• 14:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 14:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because, right, this is what we're taught- Yes right, is to, to question yourself.
• 14:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Not what they're doing, but to question yourself.
• 14:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I'm like, am I being paranoid?
• 14:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: But this sounds a little manipulative.
• 14:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 14:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 14:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, yeah.
• 14:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: That, and that I, I mean, they all annoy me.
• 14:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 14:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, I think in my day to day, like I said, this has been a po- focus for me since, uh, Thanksgiving.
• 14:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like really redefining this and- Yeah um, separating control and power, 'cause those are two different things.
• 14:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 14:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, so like identifying what is within my control, right?
• 15:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it's really not that much.
• 15:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: So um- What?
• 15:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 15:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know that to be true, like, deep in my body, but ev- but then my body is also like, "Hmm, but you haven't looked at my plans."
• 15:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I've got perfect plans.
• 15:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: But how much time do you spend on them?
• 15:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Too much.
• 15:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because you're trying- Yeah, because inevitably nothing goes to plan.
• 15:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: But that's my point, right?
• 15:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, sorry if I'm gonna speak out of turn here, Erica.
• 15:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I have seen you create the plan for every, uh, um, possible thing that could go wrong or go right and- Mm-hmm trying, how do we keep it going in this direction so that we end up over here,
• 16:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: right?
• 16:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that's a lot of energy towards so many things that are not even gonna- Yeah like...
• 16:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then universe will be like, "Um, ha, bet you never thought that would happen," 'cause it's not in your plan, so we're gonna throw that bad boy in there.
• 16:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: And yeah, so that's kind of where I'm- balanced right now is trying to find that line between what I can control and, uh, releasing control.
• 16:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 16:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, I know a lot of people like to say surrender, which used to really put my back up.
• 16:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'd be like, "Oh, no, I do not surrender."
• 16:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 16:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, that was like giving up, right?
• 16:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 16:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like surrender.
• 16:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was like, "I don't under-" Yeah, I...
• 16:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Me too.
• 16:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's losing.
• 17:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't get it.
• 17:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 17:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm sorry.
• 17:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, no, we don't lose.
• 17:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- I am not waving the white flag.
• 17:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 17:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, um- Surrender.
• 17:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ah.
• 17:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 17:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, the first time I heard that- It's so uncomfortable I was Yeah, the first...
• 17:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: But remember the first time I heard, like, you need to surrender, I'm like, "The fuck am I surrendering to?
• 17:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't get it.
• 17:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I don't know what you're talking about."
• 17:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 17:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Now I'm like, "Oh, okay.
• 17:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Got it."
• 17:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, yeah, you just have to let it be, let it go, right?
• 17:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you don't have to control something.
• 17:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I feel like...
• 17:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: What?
• 17:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: The irony of, like, the, the fact that I have a tattoo on my arm that says let it be, and I'm- Like, I know that I get...
• 18:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I got it to have, like, a constant reminder, and I still struggle with it so much.
• 18:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 18:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: I still struggle with just, like, let it be, let it go.
• 18:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I still...
• 18:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's because I have, like, a visceral reaction in my body.
• 18:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't f- I don't just feel like, um, well, a- again, because I think it stems, for me, it all traces back to safety.
• 18:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 18:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I feel unsafe when the environment is unpredictable, and I think that's- Mm the result of growing up in an unpredictable environment.
• 18:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 18:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 18:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: And trying to feel like I had to manage and control everyone and everything around me to, like, keep the peace, right?
• 18:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 18:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I feel like I, I feel like that's a, it's almost like a trauma response for me that I need to, like, create safety and predictability for myself, because it didn't always exist in my environment.
• 18:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so I feel threatened.
• 18:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like a fight or flight response for me when things do not go to plan.
• 19:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's like, it's, it's more than just like- Yeah I've got the perfect plan.
• 19:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's that my body actually feels unsafe.
• 19:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: But again, like, when I got...
• 19:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: And the other most ironic part about this tattoo, the let it be tattoo, is I got it, like, three days before the world shut down for COVID.
• 19:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 19:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I got the tattoo, I, I got it on, like, a Wednesday or a Thursday.
• 19:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: I flew home from, like, this work trip on Friday, and then, like, the world shut down on Monday, and it was like, oh, well, the timing of that is ridiculous.
• 19:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 19:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause nothing was in our control at that point, right?
• 19:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, everything was so outside of our control.
• 19:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I, I think that's, that's, like, the part for me that's hardest is that I, like, I try really hard.
• 19:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: I try really hard to, like, let it be and let it go, but the, the sense of safety, like, when I don't feel safe is, is what's underneath it for me.
• 20:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 20:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think that is for me too.
• 20:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because, yeah, 'cause I had to control so much too growing up.
• 20:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: S- I mean, for both of us, um, all three of us, right, with what we experienced in our home, especially when it was, like, you know, violent in some way.
• 20:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: So y- it's definitely a safety thing Yeah.
• 20:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's, and, and it's hard for me to figure out how I can feel safe in uncertainty and unpredictability.
• 20:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's what I've been working towards.
• 20:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like, how can I feel safe when it's uncertain, when I don't have control over the outcome, which is all the time.
• 20:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 20:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I feel for me, like the one thing that helps me I guess to surrender is, um It's having It's like trusting the universe, right?
• 21:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just having that faith that I didn't really have before because I was taught, for me, faith was about religion, and I always rejected religion, so it just didn't make s- It doesn't mean I didn't believe in something
• 21:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: greater, but the only thing I knew was religion until I really had my spiritual awakening and then I started to see things differently.
• 21:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so now I feel like Um, instead of like trying to control outcomes, you know, because I want things to happen in a certain way or at a certain time, I'm just like, "Okay, no, I trust that it's
• 21:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: gonna happen when it's meant to happen," and let it be.
• 21:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: It doesn't mean that I might not get a little, um What's the word I was gonna say?
• 21:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, shit Oh my God, I have it on the tip of my tongue Impatient.
• 22:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 22:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Impatient sometimes, you know?
• 22:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: But then, and then, then that's, like, the control coming up, right?
• 22:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah So what's maybe something...
• 22:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Let's see.
• 22:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I know surrender is a valid word.
• 22:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 22:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it does come up often, but for me, release is more of an action, 'cause surrender feels- Mm surrender feels so passive, like you're just letting stuff happen.
• 22:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: But it's- I love that distinction.
• 22:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ooh, I love that yeah.
• 22:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know surrender isn't passive.
• 22:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: It is an action.
• 22:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 22:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: It just doesn't feel that way to me.
• 22:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: It fe- it feels...
• 22:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I, I feel like it's the same thing, like with power, because of the way that power and surrender have been used by society, right?
• 23:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 23:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's- we're s- I feel like it's so conditioned in us that that's why we look at it in almost, like, a negative way because of the way- I don't think, does it- it was- Yeah, surrender feels like
• 23:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: submit to- Correct.
• 23:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly and- Right.
• 23:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 23:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it, it's not how I look at it, it's how I viscerally react- Yeah to the word.
• 23:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: The conditioning.
• 23:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I agree.
• 23:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 23:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- And that's, that, that distinction really resonates with me.
• 23:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: I love that.
• 23:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: So but releasing, like, that to me is like this is control.
• 23:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 23:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: This is me clenching my fist and trying to hold on or- It's your choice manage or...
• 23:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 23:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and loosening that and/or just opening my hand is something that's within my control.
• 23:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 23:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: That I can control.
• 23:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: All of the stuff that happens outside of that is not in my control.
• 23:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: So that's one thing I do Is there anything, using that metaphor, that you all have successfully or have practiced releasing control around lately?
• 24:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, like Adriana said, I think I've, I think I've come a long way in certain areas where it's like you just have to...
• 24:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh.
• 24:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: You just have to trust the universe and trust that, like, everything's gonna happen in the right timing, um, and not necessarily on my timeline or according to my agenda.
• 24:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think that is an area where I've, I've h- I've come a long way because I've seen it, right?
• 24:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 24:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I've seen it unfold in my life so many times, and in retrospect I can now look back and say, like, "Oh yeah, now I know why that didn't happen," or, "I know why this, this didn't happen," or,
• 25:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: "I know why whatever," right?
• 25:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 25:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I, I can see how everything is always happening for me and not to me.
• 25:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was gonna say that before, yes.
• 25:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: And- So that's one area where I think that it's good.
• 25:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Where I still struggle is like, like you were saying earlier, Stacy, like I'm really good at like ta- like thinking through something 100 different ways and figuring out which way is going to be like low effort, high impact.
• 25:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, how can we be as effective and efficient as possible?
• 25:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: How can I optimize my time?
• 25:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I do...
• 25:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, there is, there's so much going on, right?
• 25:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 25:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: And like we've got full-time jobs, and I've got the like family and, and two dogs to take care of, and my, my family doesn't live here, so it's a lot more of like an effort and an intentional, um...
• 26:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like I have to be more intentional about like connection- Mm-hmm with my people, right?
• 26:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, so it's trying to juggle and balance all of those things, and I see my time as like so precious and like my energy as so expensive.
• 26:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like I have to- Mm-hmm make sure that I'm using it the best way possible.
• 26:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 26:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: So like I hate wasting even a second doing something that I don't have to be doing or doing something a hard way when I could do it- Mm-hmm a much easier way, right?
• 26:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Not everybody thinks or feels that way, and so when I see other people doing something in a way that's like super inefficient or like, "Why are you doing this the hard way?
• 26:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Why are you..."
• 26:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 26:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: I just have to like leave the room.
• 26:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like that's where I have- Yeah to let go of control and be like- Mm-hmm okay, that's the way...
• 26:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like this is the way that I would do it, and it is, it is the right way, and also there's probably- For you another right way, right?
• 27:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, yes, like there's more than one right way.
• 27:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like there's more than one means to the end.
• 27:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: But that's a thing that I still have a hard time wrestling, and sometimes I just need to like remove myself, because there's no reason for me to have such a big reaction to just a different way of doing.
• 27:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 27:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I struggle with that like daily.
• 27:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 27:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: I also have a hard time with like people not following the rules.
• 27:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 27:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and for me like that relates to control because it's like- I, I think about that a lot, like when I'm driving, right?
• 27:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Mm if we all just followed the rules, then there would be a lot less hiccups to our plans.
• 27:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: There'd be a lot less accidents.
• 27:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: There'd be a lot less traffic.
• 27:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: There'd be a lot less whatever.
• 27:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like, everybody's so, like, caught up in their own things that, like, you know, bad stuff happens out there, and in that sense, like, the rules are meant to keep everyone safe.
• 28:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 28:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: And when people don't follow the rules, it's unsafe, but that's triggering to me because I'm, I'm always, like, in s- my nervous system is always in search of safety, and all of that is outside of my control.
• 28:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's, like, always triggering to me.
• 28:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Do you know what I mean?
• 28:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 28:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: But that's- I can, I can definitely relate to it that's the place where I have the hardest time letting go, behind the wheel of my car.
• 28:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Me too.
• 28:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Me too.
• 28:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, it's funny 'cause- I mean, I've never looked at it as the rules.
• 28:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: I just always look at it as, like, consideration.
• 28:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't really think about rules, 'cause I don't like them.
• 28:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: But- Basic human decency.
• 28:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, yeah.
• 28:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 28:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm just like, "Why?"
• 28:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, was that necessary?
• 29:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 29:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, um- I also like, you know, when you were talking about trusting the universe that it's meant to happen, you know, the way that it's going to happen, not the way that you think it's gonna happen or that,
• 29:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: and that y- in hindsight, you see how it's worked out for you and why certain things worked out the way that they did and why you had to do them the way that you did.
• 29:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and I also feel that surrendering to the universe, right?
• 29:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: And not trying to control everything that A, a lot of times, probably every time, the way that it works out is even better than you ever expected.
• 29:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 29:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 29:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 29:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, you have something in mind and you're like, yep, that's what you want.
• 29:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, you know, and, and, and for example, like for me, when I got divorced and was looking for a place to live, I did have a, something in mind of what I wanted, and I had found it, but
• 30:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: the, but the deal, you know, didn't go through, and I was kinda bummed because I'm like, "It was perfect.
• 30:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: This, this is like everything I wanted."
• 30:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: But the universe was like, "No, no, but I'm gonna give you all that, but better."
• 30:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then I found my place, and it was even better than- Mm than that.
• 30:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: It was everything I had wanted and then some, you know?
• 30:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and so I think about those things more too when...
• 30:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I have to look back at how something has worked out for me in the past so that I can let go of the control of wanting it a certain way so that it happens.
• 30:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then I think like, "Okay, just let it be and it's gonna be even better," and I'm like, "Awesome.
• 30:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: We like that."
• 30:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: So let it go.
• 30:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: And what you said too- That's one of my- Like- Sorry.
• 30:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, it's okay.
• 30:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, when you said too, um, that I was gonna say earlier too was, um- About things happening for you, not to you.
• 31:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, like that makes life so much easier 'cause it...
• 31:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, you don't have to f- I don't know.
• 31:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I...
• 31:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Again, it was once I moved out on my own, I'd never lived completely on my own before.
• 31:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had roommates and got married.
• 31:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: And having to take care of everything and owning my own place, right?
• 31:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: So yeah.
• 31:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it, it was, it was difficult.
• 31:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: If something broke, I was like, "Oh, fuck.
• 31:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Now what?"
• 31:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 31:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and then you wanna jump in to, like, control things and whatever because, because I didn't know how to handle something.
• 31:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, um, you know, I remember I would think, like, well, this is happening for me, not to me.
• 31:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, and that would just calm me.
• 31:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, just thinking that would calm me, and it would be like, okay, this is...
• 31:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm, I'm meant to have this experience for a reason.
• 31:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm gonna learn something from this instead of freaking out and wanting to control the situation and figure out how, you know.
• 31:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which I guess when you're in that state, we, right, 'cause you get anxious and everything, then you don't, probably don't always get the best outcome 'cause you're not in the right mindset 100%.
• 32:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: 100%.
• 32:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: I also hadn't ever lived by myself until I got divorced.
• 32:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it, I, it actually took me, like, weeks.
• 32:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: I had this, like, moment where I was sitting, I think I was, like, sitting on the couch in my living room, and I was, like, journaling.
• 32:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I, like, looked up and I looked around at, like, this cute little home that I had created for myself.
• 32:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, like, I got to pick everything.
• 32:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: I got to pick the carpets and the blinds and the, the furniture and, like, everything.
• 32:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: I got to pick it- Yeah and it was all mine.
• 32:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I was like, "Oh my God, I've never been by myself before."
• 32:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I just had this moment where I was like, at first I was like, "Oh, shit."
• 32:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then I was like, "Wait, no, that's okay."
• 32:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 32:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was like, "That's, it's actually so good."
• 32:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then I was like- Yeah.
• 32:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 32:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was afraid to live alone too before I lived alone.
• 32:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was like, I, like, I, I don't know...
• 32:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: My God, I love being alone.
• 33:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll have to make this a separate topic.
• 33:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes, for sure.
• 33:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 33:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: For sure.
• 33:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's something we all have in common.
• 33:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 33:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yep.
• 33:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 33:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, sorry, just making a note so I don't forget.
• 33:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, um- Yeah.
• 33:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I, I think the same thing for myself, right?
• 33:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like what you both said, um, is I'm trying to control it with what I know now- Mm-hmm what I have experience with now.
• 33:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Ooh.
• 33:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 33:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: And future me, I'm limiting future me by doing that.
• 33:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 33:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
• 33:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't know what opportunities are going to present themselves I would never have imagined a year ago that we would be doing this.
• 34:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, where we are today was beyond my comprehension.
• 34:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, we were talking about it.
• 34:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: And two years ago- Yeah hell no.
• 34:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, what are you talking about?
• 34:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Two years ago me would've been like, "Are you high?
• 34:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: No."
• 34:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: When did you start smoking weed again?
• 34:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 34:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, like so yeah, I've seen many things in the past like, like Adriana was saying, you know, like things I thought I really wanted that didn't work out, only to get something so much better as a result of
• 34:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: them not working out.
• 34:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 34:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: So many instances of that, and every time I feel that tightening, that no, it has to be this way, um, to be like, does it?
• 35:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because over, remember this time it wasn't, and this happened because of that, which was amazing.
• 35:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, so much better than you could have ever dreamed up.
• 35:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it makes it a little bit easier to loosen my grip a little bit.
• 35:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I, I like the fact that when you talked about future you, it's like, oh, yeah That's good one I love it and I hate when you do that, when I'm like, "Ah, dang it."
• 35:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's so right.
• 35:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like, damn it, I really have to look at this now.
• 35:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: But what are you talking about?
• 35:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Present day me doesn't know everything there is to know.
• 35:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: She's done so much research.
• 35:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: No, you're right.
• 35:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I...
• 35:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I've been...
• 35:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: It seems, like, so silly, but because this has been such a challenge for me for so long, I'm, I've been trying to let go in, like, the smallest ways first.
• 36:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, like, the smallest ways.
• 36:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's, it's gonna seem so silly and insignificant, but things that actually gave me, like, a visceral reaction before, and I'm, I'm working through them, like Like how the pillows are arranged on the couch.
• 36:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 36:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: And the fact that it looks like a grenade went off every time somebody else lays on the couch.
• 36:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 36:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause I'm like, can't you just use a pillow like a normal human person?
• 36:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Learn.
• 36:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Why are they...
• 36:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Nope.
• 36:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 36:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: No.
• 36:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and also, like, how do you want me to cut the peppers when I do the meal prep today?
• 36:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Instead of giving specific instructions, just be like, "I don't care.
• 36:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: They're gonna go in our food.
• 36:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: I don't care what shape they are."
• 36:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, that seems so dumb, but that's a big deal to me because I would've had like a perfect way in my brain that I wanted it to look when it's on my plate.
• 37:01
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 37:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it's like trying to figure out those little ways to practice day to day instead of feeling like it has to be a big overhaul because it's gonna be such a deep unlearning for me.
• 37:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 37:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it's gonna...
• 37:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: I've been working on this with my therapist for like a year and a half.
• 37:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, the rigidity and the control has been a big theme for me.
• 37:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh my God.
• 37:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: You just...
• 37:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's so funny 'cause everything that you just said, I was like, "Oh, shit."
• 37:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, living alone is great because nobody touches my shit.
• 37:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know, yeah.
• 37:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Everything is done exactly the way I like it.
• 37:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I know.
• 37:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so, but this is going to definitely be, um, a whole nother fucking layer for me once I- Yeah get into a relationship.
• 37:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 37:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because exactly.
• 37:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, "These onions are way too big.
• 37:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Cut them smaller."
• 37:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 37:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, does it fucking matter?
• 37:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's going in the same thing.
• 37:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 37:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: You're gonna fucking chew on it.
• 37:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: But- But- But there was a point where I would.
• 37:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I would be like, "What the fuck?"
• 38:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, "Why isn't that, that, that pillow is facing the wrong way.
• 38:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: It is not how I left it."
• 38:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 38:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's fun that you bring all that up 'cause right now I'm like, "Oh, I don't have a problem with that," yeah, 'cause there's nobody here.
• 38:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause it's literally your shit all the time.
• 38:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's just me, right.
• 38:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 38:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or like how someone loads the dishwasher.
• 38:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: Don't even...
• 38:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: That, we could do a whole fucking episode on the dishwasher.
• 38:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: We could.
• 38:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's a right and a wrong way.
• 38:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: But, well, it's, to me it's just common sense.
• 38:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: I will not touch other people's dishwashers.
• 38:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 38:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's how strongly I feel about it.
• 38:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 38:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: I'm like, that's your thing.
• 38:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I've had people say, "It doesn't matter.
• 38:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Just throw it in there," and I'm like- Yeah uh, I don't know if you're part of my family because Right the people I know have very, they're very opinionated about- Mm the dishwasher.
• 38:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: Anyway.
• 38:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: But here's, here's the other thing, though.
• 38:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm such a, I'm such an observant and detail-oriented person.
• 38:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 38:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, like when I come to your house, Adriana- Mm-hmm I think I load the dishwasher the way you load it because I- Yeah I open it and I take stock to see what your system is.
• 39:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 39:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then I do it accordingly, right?
• 39:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 39:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I j- I'm like, "Okay, here's the rules in this house.
• 39:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm gonna just do this the way that she would do it."
• 39:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like, in my house, uh, I, I load the dishwasher in a very specific way because it's for optimal clean.
• 39:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, if you put something- Mm-hmm face down on the bottom rack, none of the water's gonna get to the things on the top rack.
• 39:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Uh-huh.
• 39:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's a right and a wrong way.
• 39:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 39:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: What's the point of the dishwasher if it doesn't actually wash the dishes?
• 39:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, if you're gonna have to clean them after.
• 39:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 39:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's so funny.
• 39:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 39:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: So anyway.
• 39:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: I try.
• 39:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: There's something, like I'm not, I'm never gonna let go of the dishwasher.
• 39:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's- That's why my next relationship, they're gonna have to live next door.
• 40:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: I always thought separate houses, uh, would be ideal.
• 40:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: We'll buy a duplex, and I'll live in one side and you'll live in the other side.
• 40:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, and we just take turns going next, you know, next door.
• 40:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mondays you come here, Tuesdays I go there.
• 40:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Okay.
• 40:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Wednesday we take a break.
• 40:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's, it's, uh, the commune, right?
• 40:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, everybody has their own space.
• 40:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 40:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: But we can all come together.
• 40:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then we have a communal space.
• 40:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 40:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: That's what we're working towards, just FYI, in case of, like...
• 40:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hell yeah.
• 40:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: We've already talked about this, but just I want, like, I want, like, a bunch of tiny houses and, like, a nice house in the middle- Yes that we can, like, eat dinner in together.
• 40:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or watch a movie in together.
• 40:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Clubhouse, yeah.
• 40:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, exactly.
• 40:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like a clubhouse.
• 40:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: And we'll have a pool for you, Adriana.
• 40:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: Heck yeah.
• 40:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: And a nice shade structure for you, Stacy.
• 40:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: And it needs to be n- it also needs to be near the ocean.
• 40:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: I need the ocean.
• 40:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: I need green, so.
• 40:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 40:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Whatever.
• 40:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right, so anything else?
• 41:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: I, I feel like we've, we've covered a lot.
• 41:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: We have.
• 41:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 41:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right.
• 41:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I don't...
• 41:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, this isn't the end of it, because again, like, this has- No, no this has been a, such a work in progress for me for the longest time, and it's a continued work in progress, so I'm sure this
• 41:20
  Audio Only - All Participants: is gonna continue to come up.
• 41:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um- Yeah, I'm s- I'm still defining it.
• 41:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 41:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, uh- I, I will add one more thing, too.
• 41:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: I feel like, um, like for me, control came up a lot, too, in relationships.
• 41:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I'll say, like, with my ex, with me wanting him to be a certain way and trying to, like...
• 41:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 41:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Of course, I didn't realize it in the moment.
• 41:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: In the moment- Right I didn't realize that that's what I was doing, but as I've been doing the work on myself, I realized that that I was doing.
• 41:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: I was trying to- Make him be what I needed and not...
• 42:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, and therefore was c- trying to control him.
• 42:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 42:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: And now realizing that, um, it's just not who he is.
• 42:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's not, you know, he doesn't have the capacity to be that, right?
• 42:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, or maybe he would, but it's up to him, right?
• 42:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 42:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Not up to me.
• 42:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 42:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Um, and, you know, I learned that through astrology.
• 42:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 42:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because if I hadn't started looking at astrology, like, deeper and all my placements, that is a very Scorpionic thing.
• 42:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: And before I knew I had the Scorpio placements, that's what I was doing.
• 42:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it wasn't until I understood that part of me that I was like, oh, holy shit, that was total control.
• 42:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I was trying to control something.
• 42:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 42:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 42:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Besides how to cut the onions.
• 42:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: You know?
• 42:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: And therefore, and he was doing something similar, right?
• 42:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, there was a lot of control in there that I didn't...
• 42:56
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because I think we're told that control looks a certain way, that control o- is only when someone's tr- trying to tell you what to do and what to wear, not who you should be, you know, and stuff like
• 43:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: that.
• 43:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, control is just, it's so deeply rooted in so many things.
• 43:11
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, and it's also like we were saying before about, like, controlling other people.
• 43:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, when- Mm-hmm when we feel like someone's trying to control us or, like, when I see someone trying to control other people, it's, it's again, like, it...
• 43:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: They try to control what other people are doing so that they feel safe.
• 43:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 43:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or that they feel like...
• 43:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: I think c- like, control is, is what makes people feel safe.
• 43:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, I, I wanna say that, like, I don't always think, and I know this is true for me, like, I don't always think that it's done with ill intentions.
• 43:47
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like- Right I feel unsafe.
• 43:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 43:50
  Audio Only - All Participants: So, like, when I'm trying to control something, it's not because I want...
• 43:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I, like, I'm trying to control other people or things around me just because I like power.
• 44:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's, it's because- Mm-hmm I don't feel safe.
• 44:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 44:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right?
• 44:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's, it's, it's so hard to even articulate or explain this, but, like- It feels, I think it feels, like, bad to other people, but, like, the root of it for me is, is not ill-intentioned.
• 44:29
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's, it's actually the opposite.
• 44:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I've, in so many cases, like, my plans are about trying to make a positive outcome.
• 44:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 44:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's about trying to make sure everybody has fun, or everybody stays safe, or everybody...
• 44:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, I'm trying to, like, predict things that are not always predictable.
• 44:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: But like, that's the reason that I vacation in spreadsheets, and I make lists of all the best restaurants.
• 44:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 44:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: And I look for, you know, the most fun things to do, and I'm trying to make sure that, like, everyone has the kind of experience they wanna have.
• 44:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: And like, that looks like- control, but it's actually done with, like, the best intentions Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• 45:08
  Audio Only - All Participants: Even though it doesn't always feel that way to other people.
• 45:14
  Audio Only - All Participants: Which is hard for me 'cause that's the opposite of what I want, but that's a constant battle.
• 45:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: Hmm.
• 45:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I mean, we're not talking about the control that comes from narcissistic abuse or like, you know- Right, exactly psychopaths and all of that.
• 45:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right, right.
• 45:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: We're talking about, like, just well-meaning, well-intentioned.
• 45:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 45:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 45:36
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 45:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Again, because it comes from safety, right?
• 45:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Everyone just wanting, like, safety.
• 45:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 45:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Maybe that's a way to connect this back to compassion, is like also being able to ask that question or like when we see it happening to other people.
• 45:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 45:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 45:53
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like, what are they actually, what are they actually feeling?
• 45:58
  Audio Only - All Participants: Why are they doing and saying this?
• 45:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 45:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: Is it just 'cause they're an asshole or they're like a, being a manipulative person?
• 46:03
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or is it because they probably don't feel safe?
• 46:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: All right, so is there maybe, and then I'm gonna invite the audience to think about this too, um, one word or tiny practice that you can use to help ground yourself when things are feeling out of control?
• 46:28
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then if you feel comfortable, feel free to share it with us, or maybe just journal about it and, and think about what that means for you.
• 46:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: But I will ask you to Let it be?
• 46:44
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 46:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: The song came to mind.
• 46:48
  Audio Only - All Participants: Take the advice I had tattooed on my body, um I thi- like, for me it's, I think that one of the things that I've been trying to do for myself is, like, pausing.
• 47:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 47:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: And because I find the, like, in the pause or, like, in a breath is where I can, like, ask myself, "Is this actually the most important thing?"
• 47:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, "Is it true that there's only one way to do this?"
• 47:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or is it, like, "Is this necessary?"
• 47:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: And again, sometimes that means I have to, like, remove myself for a moment to, like, re-regulate my nervous system- Mm-hmm because that's what gets all off-kilter when I feel unsafe.
• 47:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 47:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: But that pause and that breath is, like, can be s- can make such a big difference in, like, an interaction for me, and that's where, that's where I'm trying to, that's what I'm trying to practice, is just, like,
• 47:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: the awareness in the moment.
• 47:45
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 47:46
  Audio Only - All Participants: I can't necessarily change what's happening, like, in my body just yet, but I'm trying to just become more aware.
• 47:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm.
• 47:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: That feels like the first step for me.
• 47:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: I have to agree with that, 'cause I was gonna mention, um, regulating myself, too.
• 48:00
  Audio Only - All Participants: Because in that moment I'm so dysregulated, because I'm kinda trying to figure out what the fuck is happening in that moment, and I don't know if it's them or me.
• 48:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 48:09
  Audio Only - All Participants: And so I get so dysregulated, and my first reaction to everything, like you say, Stacy, too, it's, it's the anger, right?
• 48:16
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's like the anger comes up.
• 48:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: And sometimes- Mm-hmm I don't even know, like- Right who I'm angry at.
• 48:22
  Audio Only - All Participants: Why.
• 48:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Right.
• 48:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 48:23
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, is it them?
• 48:24
  Audio Only - All Participants: Or, or- Is it, like, am I mad at myself?
• 48:25
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like- Or is it even anger?
• 48:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, for me it's like, am, is it anxiety?
• 48:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Is it frustration?
• 48:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Is it the, like, that- Right it's sometimes it's not even anger, but it, the anger- Right.
• 48:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: You have to figure it out is what shows up on the surface.
• 48:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fear.
• 48:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 48:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fear.
• 48:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 48:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fear.
• 48:39
  Audio Only - All Participants: Fear.
• 48:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 48:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Exactly.
• 48:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Mm-hmm.
• 48:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: So it's like I have to figure all that out before I can- Yes deal with the actual part of, you know- Exactly wanting to control something.
• 48:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 48:55
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, I love that.
• 48:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: So I feel like we're all kind of on the same s- first step, which is- Yeah pause, notice.
• 49:05
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: And then, yeah.
• 49:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's- And then you can...
• 49:10
  Audio Only - All Participants: And, uh, 'cause once- Get curious, right?
• 49:12
  Audio Only - All Participants: To me- Yes it's get curious.
• 49:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes.
• 49:13
  Audio Only - All Participants: So what's going on inside of me?
• 49:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: What's going on outside of me?
• 49:19
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, just literally just start asking questions, um- Yeah, because once you're calm- from a non-judgmental, compassionate place, right?
• 49:26
  Audio Only - All Participants: So.
• 49:27
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, 'cause once you're calm, I feel like then whatever it is that you're feeling can come up.
• 49:32
  Audio Only - All Participants: 'Cause in that initial instinct, you're, you're, you're not in the right space to really look at it.
• 49:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah Good chat I'll keep trying.
• 49:49
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's gonna be a work in progress.
• 49:51
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, yeah.
• 49:52
  Audio Only - All Participants: Always and forever Practice, practice, practice.
• 49:54
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 49:57
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean, it, that is what we talk about that though, right?
• 49:59
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's like everything we talk about is a practice.
• 50:02
  Audio Only - All Participants: We haven't perfected anything.
• 50:04
  Audio Only - All Participants: I mean- No I don't know that I ever will.
• 50:06
  Audio Only - All Participants: Well, I mean, I...
• 50:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Will I get better?
• 50:07
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yes, but does that mean that something's not gonna come up that's gonna trigger me to control something or whatever?
• 50:15
  Audio Only - All Participants: Like, impossible.
• 50:17
  Audio Only - All Participants: It's a practice.
• 50:18
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 50:21
  Audio Only - All Participants: And recognizing how much better we are- Yeah today than we were a year ago, five years ago, 10 years ago.
• 50:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, my God.
• 50:30
  Audio Only - All Participants: Oh, my God.
• 50:31
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, so.
• 50:33
  Audio Only - All Participants: Totally.
• 50:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah.
• 50:34
  Audio Only - All Participants: Awesome.
• 50:35
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you all so much.
• 50:37
  Audio Only - All Participants: Thank you.
• 50:38
  Audio Only - All Participants: That was awesome.
• 50:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Love you.
• 50:40
  Audio Only - All Participants: Good shit, ladies.
• 50:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: Love you.
• 50:41
  Audio Only - All Participants: See you next time.
• 50:42
  Audio Only - All Participants: Love you.
• 50:43
  Audio Only - All Participants: Bye.