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Transcript

Shock Absorbers for Your Life · Evolutionary Men

• 0:00
  All right, and welcome back.
• 0:02
  All right, and welcome back.
• 0:04
  On this episode, I want to talk about one of the best investments you can make in yourself as a man to create the thriving life you deserve.
• 0:15
  And in short, it comes down to this idea of investing in your social capital.
• 0:21
  So we often think about investing just in terms of finance and money.
• 0:26
  But we all know this idea that a good investment is one where you put some resource in, and over time, you get more resource back.
• 0:35
  And we couple that with this idea of compounding interest, meaning the earlier you put that resource in, the more the dividends are going to pay back to you through your life.
• 0:46
  Now, there's this idea that is really something a lot of men overlook, and that's the idea of social capital.
• 0:55
  Right, as men were indoctrinated with be tough, figure it out, keep moving no matter what it takes, hold all the pain inside, grind through life.
• 1:05
  This is what most of us are taught and what so many men that come to me to do some deep work are faced against.
• 1:12
  And one of the big shifts I like to make is one resource you can start investing in right away
• 1:19
  That increases your social capital.
• 1:21
  So the wealth in terms of relationships in your life is that of other men.
• 1:28
  And in specific,
• 1:30
  a men's circle, a men's group, a community of guys you're meeting with regularly.
• 1:35
  And how I want to frame this in particular as this is a potent investment you make with your time and energy
• 1:44
  That supports you when you need to make withdrawals.
• 1:48
  So we put a deposit in, and then there's an abundance to withdraw from.
• 1:53
  And this social capital is so key because it can actually often influence the other things we want first, foremost.
• 2:02
  such as making more money, having work that's meaningful, getting into a powerful, intimate relationship, having a strong sense of community and family, and taking care of our bodies
• 2:13
  our hearts and our minds.
• 2:16
  A good men's circle, this kind of social capital, can pay dividends and create opportunities for you in all of those other arenas.
• 2:26
  And the metaphor I want to give you today for what a men's circle can actually do for your life is one I've been telling a lot of my guys lately.
• 2:35
  And you can think of it as this: a men's group.
• 2:39
  Is a type of shock absorbers for your life, right?
• 2:44
  So it doesn't make life less bumpy.
• 2:48
  That shit's going to happen no matter what.
• 2:50
  It's the first noble truth.
• 2:52
  Life is suffering.
• 2:53
  Things are going to happen that create challenges and stress in your life.
• 2:58
  I don't care how tough you think you are as a man.
• 3:01
  But even though that's bound to happen, we can change how we navigate those challenges, that bumpy terrain.
• 3:11
  By investing in our social capital in creating these shock absorbers for our life, that is primarily the relationships we have with other men in our group.
• 3:21
  right?
• 3:22
  They help us navigate the difficult terrain of our lives.
• 3:27
  A men's circle is so powerful and potent because so many men are stuck in this gear of I got to figure it out
• 3:35
  all by myself, and I'm going to grind through life no matter what it takes.
• 3:40
  And if I can't figure it out, I'm going to suffer alone in silence.
• 3:44
  And this kills men, both literally, suicide rates are through the roof, through addictions and what it does to our body, and just in terms of how alive men feel in their own lives.
• 3:56
  Because when we don't know how to navigate the bumpy train, what a lot of men do is shut down, hold back, disconnect, or move through life on autopilot, like a ghost.
• 4:07
  And then we're not actually living.
• 4:10
  When we have a circle around us, these shock absorbers they help us deal with the bumpy moments in a couple of key ways.
• 4:19
  First and foremost, they help men
• 4:22
  In particular, shift out of fight or flight or total collapse into rest and digest, into parasympathetic
• 4:33
  Restoration, right?
• 4:35
  Where we get recharged.
• 4:37
  So when we go back out and dive into life.
• 4:41
  We're not grinding ourselves into the ground, but we're coming from a place of being energized, of being resourced.
• 4:49
  And most guys never slow down to actually feel.
• 4:54
  And that's what a men's group is going to do.
• 4:56
  And it's not just sitting around crying, feeling your feelings, all the bullshit people like to label it because they're afraid of it.
• 5:04
  But it's helping you more deeply connect to your actual bodily experience.
• 5:10
  And when we do that, it creates change, a thing many men are actually afraid of.
• 5:17
  So it slows us down.
• 5:20
  And in slowing us down and helping us feel, it also helps us orient.
• 5:25
  This is so key.
• 5:27
  I've been telling my guys lately, you got to know where you're coming from, you got to know where you're at, and you got to know where you're going.
• 5:34
  A good men's circle is going to help you orient to all three of those.
• 5:40
  First, it's going to slow you down to connect you to the truth of your life in this moment.
• 5:46
  And a circle that you sit in over time is going to have more and more context about where you're coming from, what you've been through, what your shadows and patterns are.
• 5:57
  And then they're going to help draw out of you where are you going?
• 6:01
  What do you want?
• 6:02
  What is most important to you?
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  And through their feedback, their support and yes, sometimes their challenge and accountability, you're going to get centered and know, okay, this was what needs to happen for me to move forward through this bumpy time.
• 6:19
  They're also going to give you support in those bumpy times in resources when you need it.
• 6:26
  And this isn't just woo-woo emotional support.
• 6:28
  This is guys that are going to give you a place to crash if you get divorced.
• 6:33
  are going to help you move if you need manual labor, are going to maybe even help you find financial and job opportunities when you need it.
• 6:42
  The examples are endless of the type of impact this kind of social capital can have on your life.
• 6:50
  And here's the thing: just like compounding interest, the sooner you build these relationships and the longer you keep them.
• 6:58
  the more dividends they're going to pay, because men are going to get to know you more and more over time, and hold the whole complex and content and context of you
• 7:10
  As they guide you and get present with you, they're going to know the history of your relationships, of your father, of your mother, of your finances, of your jobs, of your kids.
• 7:21
  And that's a big deal.
• 7:23
  When you have that kind of loving presence in your life.
• 7:28
  Again, so shock absorbers, they don't get rid of the bumps.
• 7:32
  The terrain is the same.
• 7:34
  It's how we navigate it in our experience of it that changes.
• 7:38
  Rather than it being jarring and painful,
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  It's a type of sensory input.
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  Okay, things are bumpy right now.
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  How do I navigate out of this?
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  And we don't have to grind to a halt, and we don't have to recklessly floor it.
• 7:53
  Instead, we can be with the tumult of life because we're being resourced by other deep and powerful men around us who give a shit and actually care about us.
• 8:04
  And this is one area that so many men drop in their lives.
• 8:09
  They work really hard to advance their careers.
• 8:12
  They work their asses off for their families.
• 8:14
  They go to the gym three, five days a week.
• 8:17
  but their social capital is very low.
• 8:21
  Their relationships, other than their family and their primary intimacy, often drop to nothing.
• 8:27
  Maybe we go fishing sometimes or see the game, but that's not what I'm talking about here.
• 8:32
  I'm talking about deep, meaningful.
• 8:35
  Presence and connection with other guys who you go under the surface with to talk about what's most important and sometimes what's most painful in your life.
• 8:47
  And they give you the direct, honest feedback so you can be constantly course correcting to make sure you're making the most of your limited time on this planet.
• 8:58
  And the dividends pay more and more out over time.
• 9:02
  Not only do you have a place to go when you need support,
• 9:07
  But you also start to get nourished from the fact that you become the support for other men.
• 9:12
  There's an incredible amount of
• 9:15
  value in putting energy into the circle and helping other men navigate their rocky terrain.
• 9:22
  And all together, each week,
• 9:26
  All the men can be present for each other.
• 9:29
  Sometimes some guys are down more than others.
• 9:31
  Sometimes some guys are up more than others.
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  It's incredibly powerful.
• 9:36
  It also becomes not just doom and gloom bad stuff, but it becomes a place for you to bring your wins and victories.
• 9:43
  These are guys who have seen your struggles and seen your journey.
• 9:46
  So when you hit the goal, when you
• 9:48
  get the job.
• 9:49
  When you make the thing happen you've been working so hard for, they're gonna celebrate the fuck out of you because they know what it took.
• 9:56
  And so many men have nowhere to bring that because they don't want to gloat or be a narcissist or rub it into other people.
• 10:04
  But a men's circle can hold that and celebrate that.
• 10:07
  In you.
• 10:08
  So it becomes a place to share the winds of your life too, not only to help you navigate the bumpy times.
• 10:18
  And it gives you the two things I've talked about on this podcast before: purpose and belonging.
• 10:25
  And as the world outside gets crazy, and let's admit it, we're in an instable time and a lot's changing.
• 10:32
  Whatever you believe, that is true.
• 10:34
  Systems are falling apart and new systems haven't quite yet arrived.
• 10:40
  There's a lot of chaos out there we can't deal with, but we can make it small enough in a local tribe, a local circle, even if it's online.
• 10:51
  To make an impact, to improve the quality of each other's lives, to build deep friendships and community with each other.
• 11:00
  So that even outside of the circle, you are more lit up and connected in your life.
• 11:06
  Even if it's just meeting up with the guys four days a year in person, and the rest of the time you're meeting over Zoom.
• 11:11
  that is meaningful, and it's something too many guys don't even have that, let alone a local group or community they're meeting with regularly in their geographical region.
• 11:24
  Having a men's circle, having these shock absorbers, it works better if you start now.
• 11:30
  Too many guys go for help when they're already in the crisis.
• 11:35
  And then you're having to do twice the work.
• 11:37
  You're having to build the community while you're already in Red Alert territory.
• 11:43
  It makes it a lot easier if you start investing in that circle.
• 11:48
  Time and time again, you bring your energy and presence to the circle of men.
• 11:55
  And you invest that so that when things get rocky for you, you can make a withdrawal.
• 12:02
  Right?
• 12:02
  Guys, I need help.
• 12:04
  I need time.
• 12:05
  I need attention.
• 12:06
  I need support.
• 12:07
  I need help, course correcting to figure out what's going on in my life.
• 12:13
  And it matters.
• 12:14
  And again, the sooner you start, the bigger the dividends get over time.
• 12:18
  The shock absorbers actually get
• 12:21
  more effective the longer you're in the circle with the same men because
• 12:31
  They know you more, they can adapt to you more, and they can support you more uniquely.
• 12:39
  This is a huge investment, right?
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  I couldn't even put a price tag on the community I've built in my life with other men.
• 12:48
  Because here's the truth: it cannot be bought.
• 12:53
  These types of relationships can't be bought.
• 12:57
  You can pay someone to be around you, but you can't pay someone to give a shit about you when everything else
• 13:07
  Is going crazy in life.
• 13:10
  And you can't pay someone to show up for you in your time of deepest need.
• 13:16
  When you don't even have any money.
• 13:18
  But this type of community and connection can do that.
• 13:23
  It's a real thing.
• 13:25
  And like I said, this type of social capital can lead to the other types of capital.
• 13:30
  but not necessarily vice versa.
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  It's a very unique thing to invest in your relationships with other men.
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  To put that time and energy into, I care about you, I want the best for you, and I'm showing up.
• 13:46
  Showing up for you, I'm showing up for the other men, and I'm showing up for myself.
• 13:51
  And this type of potency, I'll be frank, it happens the most incredibly
• 13:59
  in decentralized peer led groups.
• 14:02
  All that means, I've talked about it before, is it's a group you own, that you're not paying anything for.
• 14:08
  The only reason you guys are there is because you give a shit about each other.
• 14:13
  And you want to be the best men you can be.
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  You cannot just create that any other way.
• 14:20
  Now,
• 14:21
  I've been in groups and I run groups that start in a structure.
• 14:25
  Okay, you're going to pay me for the structure.
• 14:27
  Then we're going to hand over the keys.
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  So that you take ownership of the group and have really just kind of had it started.
• 14:36
  And that's possible.
• 14:37
  But these kind of groups, what's so key about them is no one can take them away from you.
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  The founder can't shut down.
• 14:44
  The community or group, or change the style, or whatever that might be.
• 14:48
  Or if you lose your job, you're not kicked out because you can't make dues.
• 14:52
  These kind of decentralized, self-led groups, they're the most powerful way to shift our culture right now for men
• 15:02
  Because as you grow, the group grows.
• 15:04
  As each member of the group grows, the group grows.
• 15:07
  You're each bringing in new things constantly from the actual work you're doing in your life, and it enriches the group over time.
• 15:16
  Instead of this is the way the groups run, someone does it for you every time.
• 15:21
  Now there's a bliss in that.
• 15:23
  I've been led through those kinds of things, but it's very different.
• 15:26
  when you have to take responsibility for the creation and maintenance of the group.
• 15:33
  It becomes a living entity.
• 15:35
  It becomes part of your purpose and part of your belonging.
• 15:39
  Now, what I'm going to tell you is, it's probably time for you to stop listening and go out and find a group, right?
• 15:46
  Could be through my organization, Evolutionary Men, could be through the many different organizations out there.
• 15:52
  But don't wait.
• 15:53
  Don't wait for the crisis.
• 15:55
  Lean in now.
• 15:56
  It is countercultural to what we're taught as men.
• 15:59
  Be a revolutionary.
• 16:00
  Do things differently.
• 16:02
  Disrupt and create strong connections with other guys because they will help you navigate the toughest times of your life.
• 16:11
  Where it's really rocky, or you don't know where you're going, they will help you orient and get through it.
• 16:18
  And if you totally break down, they're going to come and get you, quite literally.
• 16:24
  All right, till next time.