Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Partner Plays Favorites, Overtly Picking Their Bio Kids Over Yours

Transcript

When Your Partner Plays Favorites, Overtly Picking Their Bio Kids Over Yours · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctors.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today we're going to be talking
• 0:10
  about a situation that many people post-divorce find
• 0:12
  themselves in when they start dating somebody with children,
• 0:15
  they have children themselves. They try to blend the family and
• 0:18
  their partner, continually prioritises their own biological
• 0:21
  children, both prior to and after actual marriage.
• 0:25
  So it doesn't kind of matter if these are the legal step kids or
• 0:28
  what, but sometimes people find themselves in this situation,
• 0:32
  I've been asked to write about it or Now, I've been asked to
• 0:35
  talk about it. Anyhow, before we dive into
• 0:40
  that, please do subscribe, my most recent subscription-only.
• 0:44
  Episode was about what types of interactions predict sexless
• 0:47
  marriages outside, the bedroom, there's personality variables at
• 0:51
  play that also go along with people who find themselves in
• 0:55
  sexless marriages, so you don't want to miss that.
• 0:57
  So what sort of okay? So what sort of couples are we
• 1:03
  talking about here? Like what is the usual Dynamic
• 1:06
  when that people find themselves in?
• 1:08
  When it's a situation where their partner prefers their
• 1:10
  biological kids? So like, let's just, I mean, I
• 1:14
  could like flush out like, oh, what does it mean?
• 1:17
  When your partner picks their kids, we all know what it means.
• 1:20
  You know, like I mean everybody knows what that means.
• 1:23
  Like the person, prioritizes the road kids, you know?
• 1:25
  I mean, it's not too hard. So we're like, if there is a fun
• 1:29
  thing to do, they ask their kids first.
• 1:31
  They're always thinking about their kids.
• 1:32
  Extracurriculars are thinking about their kids develop They're
• 1:35
  thinking about their kids, little bird burgeoning
• 1:37
  personality, they'll talk about that for hours and hours, you
• 1:40
  know? And if you bring up something
• 1:42
  about your kid, they're like, yeah, well, you know, and they
• 1:46
  don't really even engage, they don't take your kid for special
• 1:49
  time, they don't have special activities with your kid.
• 1:51
  They're not thinking about the grades or the teachers or the
• 1:55
  anything of your kid really? They're nice to your kid.
• 1:58
  They're not even nice to your kids.
• 1:59
  You got a bigger problem which we could Circle back to but most
• 2:03
  people are still nice too. The other kid but they just
• 2:07
  obviously prioritize their own to the point that your
• 2:09
  biological kids are seeing this. So what kind of people find
• 2:13
  themselves in this situation? Well, he got to refer back to a
• 2:16
  lot of my body of work here because these are usually people
• 2:20
  that are enablers of difficult, people, you know, these are
• 2:23
  people who grew up having their own needs never acknowledged.
• 2:28
  And so then what do they do? They put their kids
• 2:30
  unintentionally in the same kind of situations.
• 2:32
  It's familiar because a person Does not prioritize.
• 2:36
  Your children doesn't. It's not prioritizing you, it's
• 2:38
  very, very simple. This is a one-to-one
• 2:41
  correspondence. It's, there's no such thing as
• 2:43
  like. My husband really loves me but
• 2:45
  he really hates my kids and how difficult does that make it for
• 2:49
  you? So, how much does he really love
• 2:51
  you or even my husband really loves me but he really, you
• 2:56
  know, isn't no feelings about my kids.
• 2:58
  How you know, how can you have no feelings.
• 3:00
  If he loves you, he's got to love your kids.
• 3:02
  This kind of just how it is if your kids are being taught.
• 3:04
  Total assholes and they're making themselves completely
• 3:07
  unloveable. This is also a thing.
• 3:10
  Then maybe we got something to talk about because then you got
• 3:14
  many people in your life that are treating you badly.
• 3:17
  Not only is it now your partner because he's picking his own
• 3:20
  kids, but your own kids are treating you bad by not trying
• 3:24
  to help out and be nice and normal and team members within
• 3:28
  your family that do not run off your partner, you know?
• 3:33
  So like if Kids don't want you to be happy.
• 3:36
  This is because of the same exact variable we're talking
• 3:39
  about. You put your needs somewhere
• 3:42
  down in the basement. You're taking care of everybody,
• 3:44
  else's needs all the time, so then your kids don't think much
• 3:47
  about man. If we're really an asshole to
• 3:50
  Bob Bob might leave Mom, then Mom would be upset.
• 3:54
  Mom, deserves to be happy. Let's not tell Bob fuck you, you
• 3:59
  know, etcetera, Etc. So, but let's talk about first
• 4:02
  the situation where your kids are relatively nice, you know.
• 4:04
  They're just kind of normal kids and your your partner.
• 4:08
  Like he's nice to them or she's nice to them.
• 4:10
  But the own their own kids, constantly get psychological
• 4:15
  Financial, emotional and physical help, a lot and
• 4:18
  attention, a lot more than yours.
• 4:20
  This is a situation that you got to nip in the bud.
• 4:22
  You have to understand that you have not advocated successfully
• 4:25
  for your children because you don't know how to advocate for
• 4:27
  yourself. So in this sort of situation,
• 4:29
  you got a call it out. Never in front of the children
• 4:32
  not ever. You got to say something like
• 4:34
  Bob, I've noticed that you put your kids first Bob's gonna be
• 4:38
  like, what are you talking about?
• 4:39
  Don't you see, like we just spent money for your kids to go
• 4:42
  to Camp to. What do you mean?
• 4:43
  Well, but you say Bob, like I'm really noticing that when you
• 4:48
  say like oh there's a movie on TV, you know, you say Johnny and
• 4:52
  Janie, want you come here before you talk about, you know, Susie
• 4:55
  and Timmy. So you can't have like a couple
• 4:57
  examples. And then if Bob's like a real
• 4:59
  dick, you got to say, listen, you know, you're not being nice.
• 5:03
  I don't need the cross. Examination.
• 5:05
  I don't need to present a PowerPoint on how you're picking
• 5:08
  your own kids. I just want you to watch it and
• 5:11
  try to behave differently in future.
• 5:13
  If you got any problems with how I treat your kids, let's talk
• 5:15
  about it now because I think we should be treating, all the
• 5:17
  kids. The same.
• 5:18
  We should be saying I love you to the kids, the same giving the
• 5:20
  same resources to the same kids and that's how it's going to be
• 5:24
  in our family. Otherwise, we're not ever going
• 5:25
  to be a United Family, and if your partner has problems with
• 5:29
  that than couples counseling is in order.
• 5:31
  But the majority of people in the situation have never
• 5:34
  advocated So directly for their own needs or for those of their
• 5:37
  kids, kids are an extension of you, kind of how you treat
• 5:40
  yourself frequently, is how you would stand up for your kids.
• 5:43
  And in this situation is kind of not at all.
• 5:46
  Then there are some people who are in the situation which we
• 5:50
  should get to, because, as I'm speaking, I'm realizing it
• 5:52
  really is kind of common where your kids are active asshole
• 5:56
  sebab. Now in this situation, Bob has
• 5:59
  got a leg to stand on, right? Because you kids are being
• 6:03
  assholes. I mean, it's not too hard to
• 6:06
  explain, so of course, Bob's going to pick his own kits, he
• 6:08
  would probably pick anybody over your kids because your kids
• 6:11
  actively hate him. So, in this case the sit-down is
• 6:14
  going to be with your kids where you advocate for yourself, and
• 6:16
  you say, listen and this goes either gender.
• 6:19
  I'm just using a mom with Bob because, you know, you know, I
• 6:23
  got to pick an example. So you would say to your kids.
• 6:26
  Listen, I noticed that you are acting terrible to Bob.
• 6:28
  This is really hurting my relationships.
• 6:30
  Making it super stressful. I love you, but y'all are going
• 6:34
  to leave the house one. And while you're always my
• 6:36
  number one priority, you want me to have a life, right?
• 6:38
  You don't want me to follow you to college?
• 6:40
  You want to hang out when you're like, at the dining hall, right?
• 6:43
  Because I can never have a relationship because you run
• 6:45
  everybody off. Do you know?
• 6:47
  And so you want for mommy to be happy.
• 6:50
  So you know different levels of this conversations appropriate
• 6:53
  for different ages the age where they're teenagers is the age
• 6:57
  where they are really assholes to Bob usually and so then you
• 7:01
  could really say you are being selfish.
• 7:04
  Fish. I am a person, too.
• 7:07
  I am trying very hard to have a loving relationship with another
• 7:11
  adult, which you should want for me, because I always want the
• 7:15
  best for you and you don't want me, you know, a hanging around
• 7:19
  you because you've, you're my only person in the world, you
• 7:23
  want me to be my own person, just as I want you to spread
• 7:26
  your wings and fly, you know, I also have to be my own person to
• 7:30
  so that is a very Point Blank discussion that you can have
• 7:33
  with teenagers and They have real bones to pick about Bob,
• 7:37
  then they can bring it up to you, and then you can figure out
• 7:40
  if there's really something going on, where Bob's, a secret
• 7:43
  household to your kids, and that's why they're assholes.
• 7:45
  But usually, you have kind of an idea of what's been going on.
• 7:49
  Since the Inception if your kids have been giving Bob the cold
• 7:51
  shoulder, despite him trying to play catch and whatever the
• 7:54
  hell, you know, then then you're going to really know what's
• 7:58
  going on, but in the situation where which I do see the kids
• 8:03
  are great. They're fine.
• 8:04
  Fine and Bob just picks his own kids every day of the week.
• 8:08
  Then it is because you have not laid down a strong enough
• 8:11
  boundary, and you may have to refer back to the Wayne Mendel.
• 8:15
  Never take care of you podcast. Or if you're the man to work
• 8:18
  horse podcast, and this is people that grew up with a
• 8:21
  narcissistic parent, their needs were always giving short shrift
• 8:24
  and they never learn to advocate for themselves.
• 8:27
  And so, they are terrified of Confrontation.
• 8:30
  They're terrified of running off.
• 8:31
  The person that finally is into them.
• 8:34
  And Because they have low self-esteem, not because there's
• 8:36
  anything wrong with them and they would be able to find other
• 8:39
  partners, which brings me to a point later.
• 8:42
  I mean, it's the easily predictable point, which is, if
• 8:45
  Bob's really a dick to your kids.
• 8:47
  Guess what? There's like, 20, zillion Bob's
• 8:49
  on Tinder. But yeah, like, you're not used
• 8:52
  to advocating for yourself. You're not used to confronting
• 8:54
  anybody about anything. Certainly not about your needs.
• 8:57
  So therefore, you are not setting strong and hard
• 9:00
  boundaries and you're not even teaching.
• 9:03
  Bob, you're not saying Oh you know what?
• 9:05
  Timmy would really love to go to the game with you?
• 9:08
  Why don't you just take the boys?
• 9:09
  That would be fun and I'll be with the girls or why don't you
• 9:12
  you know you don't have your kids one day because they're
• 9:15
  with your ex why don't you take my kids?
• 9:18
  Well I get a manicure that would be fun they really like to hang
• 9:22
  out with you and then they could bond with you know you're not
• 9:25
  going to go you know play tennis by yourself because we're in a
• 9:29
  family, my kids are still our kids, right?
• 9:32
  Etc, etc. So In front of the kids because
• 9:36
  if he's like, I fucking don't want to do that.
• 9:38
  I don't play tennis. Did you do need your kids to
• 9:40
  hear that? I mean, don't worry.
• 9:41
  They already know that Bob is not that into them, but you
• 9:44
  would say this privately and then that brings me to the point
• 9:47
  that if Bob doesn't change, then get rid of Bob because and I
• 9:51
  know it's easier said, than done, of course.
• 9:53
  But these are your children and you do not need to be paying for
• 9:56
  hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of therapy over the course
• 9:59
  of their life spans because Mom picked Bob the asshole over us
• 10:03
  and that should does happen. Even so you of a necessary but
• 10:08
  not sufficient Criterion for a partner post-divorce, is that
• 10:12
  they treat your children with love and respect and
• 10:15
  furthermore, that they treat them equivalently over time to
• 10:18
  their own children. Particularly if you're all
• 10:19
  living in the same home because at that point, it becomes
• 10:22
  extremely dramatic. When there is a big difference.
• 10:25
  If one child is always getting all of the opportunities and the
• 10:30
  other child is not. So think about this and If this
• 10:35
  really impacts you, you know, if this speaks to you, then there
• 10:40
  are very obvious ways that you could change it, but they are
• 10:43
  going to involve having higher self-esteem and the ability to
• 10:47
  advocate for yourself, which you did not learn growing up.
• 10:49
  So this is where therapy can come in and really help you be
• 10:53
  your best self. Because if it is so hard for you
• 10:56
  to advocate for your kids and you are also not teaching them
• 10:59
  how to self-advocate. So they will grow up thinking,
• 11:02
  man, I guess I do deserve the smaller piece of Pizza or a man.
• 11:05
  I guess I don't deserve to go to dance camp because I never got
• 11:08
  to go to dance camp. Only those other kids got to go
• 11:10
  to dance camp and also the conflict between the kids the
• 11:14
  blended family kids is going to be tremendous because kids are
• 11:17
  not stupid and they understand when they are not treated the
• 11:20
  state and this isn't like normal variation.
• 11:23
  I'm talking about like what it's very obvious.
• 11:26
  Now there is, of course, there's always two sides to everything.
• 11:28
  So if you think there's obvious prioritization, but other people
• 11:32
  don't see it and your kids have never I mentioned it really then
• 11:36
  it could be a you thing. It could be like a your super
• 11:39
  rejection sensitive. Therefore your rejection
• 11:41
  sensitive on behalf of your own kids and you are being triggered
• 11:44
  by perhaps being the less preferred sibling growing up or
• 11:48
  like whatever. So that again would also be
• 11:50
  useful to address in therapy because it's, you know, you
• 11:54
  don't want to make a problem when there's not actually a
• 11:56
  problem. But this is more of a situation
• 11:58
  where other people looking in would.
• 12:00
  And possibly have said something about the disparity in how the
• 12:03
  children are treated. It and family, counseling can be
• 12:08
  good but frequently couples counseling is better because
• 12:12
  when the kids are involved, there's all sorts of things that
• 12:14
  can happen in the room and frequently.
• 12:17
  It's good for the parents to hammer out where they are.
• 12:20
  So they could be the strong core of the family.
• 12:23
  The united front on the same page instead of the kids being
• 12:28
  in the room. When all these things are being
• 12:30
  hammered out. There you look its individual
• 12:32
  preference. Some people would like family
• 12:34
  Council. Saying, but a lot of times that
• 12:37
  same thing can be expedited and the root of the issue is between
• 12:41
  the adults. You know, not necessarily
• 12:43
  between Bob and Timmy Bob and Tim, you're probably having a
• 12:45
  bad problem because Timmy's mom, you and this podcast has not
• 12:50
  really figured out what the hell is going on and feels quote
• 12:53
  trapped in the middle between like two people that you
• 12:56
  probably may have trained to both act like assholes to her
• 13:00
  because of her own issues, you know, with self-esteem.
• 13:03
  So that is another The case that I see where like the mother is
• 13:06
  train, the kids to treat her like shit.
• 13:08
  Refer to my don't treat your kids like like the podcast on,
• 13:12
  don't let your kids treat you like garbage and then also guess
• 13:16
  what, the men in her life, treat her like shit.
• 13:18
  And this could be the gender changed to man who has his kids
• 13:21
  that looked down on him and women look down on him.
• 13:24
  Why? Because he looks down on him
• 13:27
  because he was raised in a way not to have any internal self
• 13:30
  worth. And so then these two sets of
• 13:33
  assholes, one You're dating / married to one that's your
• 13:37
  children. These two warring sets of
• 13:39
  assholes really make some problems.
• 13:41
  You know, they really make some chaos because you'll have
• 13:45
  basically abdicated your role as somebody who should set down
• 13:49
  some boundaries because you don't know how to do it.
• 13:51
  So in this case nothing to be ashamed.
• 13:53
  Of, if you notice, that's I'm talking.
• 13:55
  Boy. That's me.
• 13:56
  I always feel like I'm caught in the middle in every situation,
• 14:00
  then that is stuff. That internal self work and
• 14:02
  self-reflection particularly It toward your family of origin
• 14:06
  issues. That could really be directed
• 14:10
  toward, you know, kind of building up a core of
• 14:14
  self-esteem where you really don't anymore.
• 14:18
  Believe that you're somebody who should get shit on as you
• 14:21
  currently kind of do probably because you expect it because
• 14:24
  it's happened for your whole life.
• 14:26
  So if this spoke to you also you could listen to it with your
• 14:30
  partner. You could be like nah, I don't
• 14:31
  think you're as big of an asshole is Bob.
• 14:33
  But you know, why don't we think?
• 14:34
  About like ways in which this actually happens, because it's
• 14:37
  something that I think about myself, I don't know if it's
• 14:40
  just me or I don't know like what's going on, but I do know
• 14:43
  that like, you know, Susie said that your kids, get all this
• 14:45
  stuff and I quite honestly notice it myself.
• 14:48
  And how are we going to make this more equivalent?
• 14:50
  Because I really want our marriage to go.
• 14:52
  Well, something like that. Even something like that is
• 14:56
  feels too many people. Like an insurmountable.
• 14:58
  Like I'm telling them like to go find Moby Dick and see, you
• 15:01
  know, like so like like like like task Like Odysseus, you
• 15:05
  know like has his journey know you want to get to a place where
• 15:08
  you could say stuff like that and if that seems to you like oh
• 15:12
  my God who could possibly bring something up like that?
• 15:15
  Then you need your internal self work to start happening
• 15:19
  immediately because that is the sort of sentence that you want
• 15:23
  to be able to say boy, I noticed that our kids kind of get
• 15:25
  treated different here. I don't know if it's me, that's
• 15:28
  getting sensitive to it or if it's a real thing that's
• 15:30
  happening, either way, I want to address it.
• 15:33
  So that's the sort of Sentence that should not make you cringe.
• 15:36
  If it does then then you can build up to it.
• 15:40
  You can build up to it by going to counseling and talking about
• 15:42
  where you learn that. You're somebody who should not
• 15:45
  have any needs and should not ever self-advocate.
• 15:48
  All right. Well, hopefully this spoke to
• 15:49
  some people that needed it and I will talk to everybody soon.
• 15:52
  Be sure to subscribe if I'm adding value to your life.
• 15:54
  And also join my Facebook group, for interesting discussions
• 15:58
  about all these topics and more