Latest / Libido Lounge / Boyfriend Edition #2: Why Exhausted Dads Struggle in Bed

Transcript

Boyfriend Edition #2: Why Exhausted Dads Struggle in Bed · Libido Lounge

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First step is finding a really good partner, creating creating space for each other,
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prioritizing family time, partner time, and then alone time, work time, making sure that we
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don't have a TV in the bedroom, creating the boundaries into not letting outside life
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completely dominate your, you know, your sex life.
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Have fun.
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Invoice with your partner in the moment.
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Find good people and create space for fun.
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Hi, everybody.
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Welcome back to another episode of the lounge.
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Happy to have you.
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We're doing another boyfriend edition.
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I have my boyfriend, Mike, back here today celebrating love month this month, so happy
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love month to everybody.
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And we're talking today about being a dad and running a career and the busyness of all of
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that and how to do all of that and still have a great sex life.
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So that is our topic today.
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Also, as a reminder, in the show notes below, you will find a coupon code for 30% off for
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right now.
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We are running a special on our four day to better sex jump start program, so you'll find
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the coupon code and all the great information in the show notes below.
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But let's get started, so welcome back, my love.
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Happy beer.
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So you are super dad, as I call you, because you are so very active in your kids' lives and
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running around and participating in everything and really, you know, just being in the alpha
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running the show scenario with them, which is amazing.
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So what has it been like for you as far as maintaining sex life, running being a father,
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running around?
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Like, how have you how have you maintained all of that while also building your career,
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navigating your career, growing your career, all of that?
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Well, first step is finding a really good partner.
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So kinda drew my from a a dad perspective, the for all your dads out there, you know, as you
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know, your your kid, so probably one of your top, you know, another one of your top
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priorities as well as your partner.
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And how to navigate all that as far as, you know, all these things that your career, you
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got to know, because you're just saying, you know, having a partner and not having kids.
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So it's really having good, decent time management goes.
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It's one.
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And as I've said in a previous interview, it's it's saying, we'll create create a space for
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each other.
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You know?
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Prioritizing, okay, this is family time.
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This is this is partner time, And then alone time, work time, and really trying to make make
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sure you, like, keep your maintain your focus into the integrate all the aspects of your
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lives into a way that it makes sense for you.
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So that, like, from a time management, I'd say, is kind of part of it.
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Go ahead.
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No.
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That's it.
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Okay.
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Do you think fatherhood has influenced your approach to sex at all?
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Like, do you think that's, like, changed how you show up in your in sex life?
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Yeah.
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Just have less of it.
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What else?
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How you change like, how you change your I mean, sex side.
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It coming from a place that just what you are looking for in your life in terms of what is
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important to you.
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Because as I've mentioned with the previous episode, we we have our family nights, and it's
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very easy to just just go to the kid night and just, like, at the at the end of the day, end
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of the workday, making dinner, do take a little homework and just getting everybody all the kid
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needs met, and then we just kinda just, like, flop in bed and go to sleep.
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And one of the things that I appreciate, one, having the the intention, the the value to
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actually take the time to connect, the value to actually spend time with the family, the value
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to actually build your career.
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That that's more of a that's an alignment for us.
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That when you have that co alignment, things will be so much easier to understand your
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partner.
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That's what I think.
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I'm not saying you can't be done without that, but you can actually we can at least understand
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the those aspects of our lives.
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And one of that thing is making sure that we don't have a TV in the bedroom.
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And that probably an easy you're tired.
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You're gonna first thing you wanna do is get get the remote.
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And so we I guess, we both got sick actually about recently, a month ago, and we're, like,
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actually put an extra TV in my bedroom.
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Just temporarily.
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Which it got like, it was so easy to, like, just kinda go in bed and just kinda wanna just
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turn on the TV and go and go and kinda fall asleep.
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And that's what a lot of couple do.
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So that she made it very clear, and I agree that we yeah.
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We could, like, get rid of the TV and from the bedroom and just leave it for the living room
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and family room just to get the social time.
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You know?
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Just kinda like really creating the boundaries into not letting outside life completely
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dominate your, you know, your sex life.
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Yeah.
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And and the bedroom is definitely a sacred place.
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I mean, we still allow the kids to come and hang out in bed, you know, in the evening and
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have family chat and all that, but it's a sacred place from a standpoint of when the kids
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aren't around, like, that's our, you know, that's our zone, and TV's not gonna influence
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that.
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I feel like another big thing with the kids and and continue to, like, you know, maintain the
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connection has been little things that we do throughout the day to just maintain that level
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of of care, of connection, that sort of thing.
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So do you have thoughts on, like, what little things that we do throughout the day that you
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have found to be, like, really helpful from just the maintaining our our connection
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standpoint?
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Average day.
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I always say good morning and good night, expressing love throughout the day, text or
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even if it's been a while, we'll get a a video chat and or, you know, phone call.
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But that just staying in touch, doing little thing throughout the day is on an average busy
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day, and then cooking together, doing things together if it's it's like a family that And a
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lot of times, if it's a if I if we're we have our own separate places.
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And if we're at each other's place, do we just kinda make sure we're cooking together?
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And we don't spend too much time on TV.
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That's kinda like making spending time with the the human connection to actually just we're
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here.
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We actually we actually enjoy each other.
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That that that
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Yeah.
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That is the thing.
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And we do the things that you like and we have the similar values and then actually create a
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mess, you know, that that buffers our own for each other.
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Yeah.
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I think a huge part think all that's true, I think a huge part of it as well is just like
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all, like, the little things around, like, the awareness of, like, touch and, like, you know,
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awareness of love language, which for both of us, touch is a very high love language.
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And and for those of you that are listening, he's rubbing my back right now, so he's getting
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the cues really well.
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But, like, little tiny things where I'm, like, in you know, through the day when we're
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together, starting the day with a hug, ending the day with hug or cuddle, you know, and just,
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like, walking by.
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And and then, you know, it's interesting too.
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Like, something that I know that's, like, come up for me that I think is, like, come up for
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other women I read about or or talk to is that I think sometimes men can get into and it can
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happen by direction, but it's common for men to just get into the habit of walking by and just
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only using touch by, like, slapping the butt.
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And, you know, and, like, what may, like what may and does not love that.
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Right?
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So it's like and it's not to say that that's, like, not, you know, not lovely, but I think
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sometimes, and this was an area where I think we've done really well, is, like, sometimes it
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gets, like, so emphasized that then it's like, well, what about those other types of touch?
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And for, you know, for women, sometimes it can be this thing where if, like, that's the only
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thing that's, like, attended to, that doesn't feel very good either.
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So I feel like it's, like, touch, but it's also, like, the type of touch.
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Like, sometimes it's flirty and a little sexy, but sometimes it's just, like, the type of
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touch that is just, like, sweet and rotating through that and making sure it's not, like,
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just emphasizing on one type of touch, I think, is also a very big, you know, small but but
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like still a big thing of like showing care.
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Yeah.
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Ideally, another thing that well, we share the same gym with working out together.
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That was a nice cool thing.
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Like, doing things that you like together.
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It could be playing a game together, but working out or even just taking a walk together
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with that that that when it warm out, that's something I find I get value out of that, just
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chatting and walking.
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Well, I'll let them in on a little secret too, which is, you know, just finding things like
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that, but finding ways of, like, turning them to, like, flirtiness.
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So at the gym, one of the things that Mike and I have found to be really fun is since he's
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deaf and so he knows sign language and I know some sign language.
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And so, you know, I for sure know all, like or most of the, sexy things.
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Right?
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So it's been a pretty fun thing to be, like, you know, flirting with each other via sign
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language across the gym.
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And so not saying it has to be sign language, but it's like it can be your own version of
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that, right, where it's like there's a level of, oh, this is, you know, this is what this
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means, and all couples have their, you know, kind of their inside jokes and that sort of
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thing.
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Well, what about those inside things that could mean just like flirting and fun and I love you
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and you're hot and you're sexy that you can kinda communicate across the gym, like, you
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know, basically almost like having your own little language, is a real fun way too to be
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out in public and to kinda be stoking up the libido in a fun way where, like, nobody else
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knows what you're doing, but that can be a real, you know, fiery way to keep keep things
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keep things alive.
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Yeah.
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And the bigger young dollar, send her a picture of herself working out just to, you know, just
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sexy and that kind of thing.
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Just
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That's true.
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Cute, cute little thing to, you know Mhmm.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Just, like, keeping keeping that flirt alive.
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Yeah.
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Is there any other ways, like, you think, like, just being a dad has, like like, I hear you on
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the, the time and prioritization and, like, not having that much of it.
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But is there anything you've even learned from being a dad or anything like that that you
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think has applied to, like, closeness and relationships and love and intimacy?
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I would've learning.
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It's just more of being a parent.
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It's kind of a a offshoot, but not in a sex per se, but more of in kids in general, my
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experience, in a way, like, increases your capacity to love.
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When new being come into the world, your your sense of, like, you're always about yourself
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when you're going to with before kids.
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But now that you have kids, you are fully responsible.
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It it it it shifts your at least for me, my awareness to like, okay.
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You're the fact that you're responsible for them, that you love them, you're choosing to
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it's just it's it's it's it's an unexplained fully explained, I think, in terms of what what
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really happened as far as having kid to to it it shift the your your your the way your
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thinking process, I would say, because you're you're just fully responsible for another, you
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know, tiny little being that all the kids are now 11, 14, and 16.
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They're the ones older now, but still in you know, the fun teenage years.
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So, yeah, that's just that I know I can't I haven't really thought through how it but I
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just know it has an impact across humans in general having kids in terms of just, you know,
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expand your capacity to love.
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Mhmm.
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I'm gonna take this conversation very different in a different direction because I think one
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other thing that people would love to know is is you can last a very long time in bed.
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And that has been very helpful for me because I am absolutely like most women out there that
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take, you know, solid twenty minutes most times, sometimes less, sometimes more, but,
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like, you can count on me for a good twenty minutes, you know, to really actually reach
16:56
climax.
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And, you know, most men last many men, it's very common to last an average two to five,
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maybe to seven minutes.
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And so learning skills to actually last longer and, of course, there's foreplay and there's
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other things that we talk about in the channel that you, you know, we can do.
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But I think a very common thing that comes up is, you know, so many men wanna last longer.
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They want to be able to provide a deeper level of pleasure for their partner for a longer
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period of time.
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So can you tell us a little bit about how you've taught yourself to do that?
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I wouldn't expect them that kind of thing.
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I threw him a curveball.
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We didn't talk about that one in advance.
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Okay.
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So for me, I would I would argue a bigger thing is, like, repetition on yourself to, like,
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edging, if you will.
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Just just basically just play with yourself, edge it, and try to push, you know, and make it
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last longer to like, build that intensity.
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Okay.
17:56
Didn't realize this.
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Yeah.
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Just wanna clarify that a little bit more.
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Like, so how are you edging?
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Like, what specific are you doing to, like, stay in that zone?
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Okay.
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And now okay.
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The the way write the textbook, you should basically you masturbate until you're about to
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come and either relax or stop doing it, you know, stop stop masturbating or, like, train
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your train yourself to, like like, you you like, the two two things happen depending on
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where you're at.
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If one, if they fully relax, like, during the the pact the self pact and with your partner,
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if they try to stay relaxed.
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And then when you're about to come, basically, you just, like, clamp clamp yourself down there
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as if you have to stop peeing.
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Like, you look.
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And it's kinda like develop that muscle, so to speak, to it's more it's more psychological
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than, I think, than actually physical.
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So that that that that.
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And then when you're in a part of that's what what the path of practice here.
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There are times which is being a guy, it's just things are not always consistent, and you have
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to almost distract yourself.
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And I've used I don't know if you've seen Austin Powers, the movie.
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There's a scene where they're they're coming out, and Austin Powers is saying, Margaret
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Thatcher naked on a cold day.
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Margaret Margaret Thatcher is the old prime minister of Britain, I think, and she's really
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ugly.
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So that's kind of the point to distract yourself.
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And what that could be to distract yourself could be anything.
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Literally think about Bugs Bunny.
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You can really try, like it's a psychological, call it, a style, if you will, psycho warfare.
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So that's the high level I would find out.
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And I couldn't have anything else to do.
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I couldn't
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Well, I know I know, like, especially you've trained me to do things on my body too, and,
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like, we've worked together on that.
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So what can a woman do, like, in the middle of that in the middle of making love?
20:06
Like, what can a woman do to actually support a man so that he lasts longer?
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Okay.
20:15
Make them okay.
20:16
I would say from a woman, being supportive in terms of just accepting, not making a big deal
20:22
out of it.
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It it does happen.
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Like, even just having compliment, just a little compliment.
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There you go.
20:27
You're good and bad.
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And just tearing down yeah.
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That's a bummed up dress.
20:33
And, like, adjusting a little bit.
20:36
Sometimes there are some days, you know, or part of the training process, the woman and had
20:41
to do a little bit more work or self stimulation or maybe get the, you know,
20:46
vibrators over here that's happening, you know, stuff like that.
20:51
So to help help the women get up to speed with their arousal, and that that so the so there's
21:02
a physical side, and then there's the emotional side, then the mental side.
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That's kinda how I'm thinking it.
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So physical, try to get stimulated.
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What can we do?
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I demand to kind of just to to foreplay.
21:11
Slow down the foreplay.
21:12
Build that up a bit.
21:13
If you're if you're looking to last you know, had the woman come faster and maybe the man man
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last longer in bed.
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I also found that foreplay actually helped the man just kinda get just to kinda relax a bit
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and actually, know, okay.
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This is the next day.
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Just kinda slow things down a bit and just to kinda, like, not rush at it.
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It it does help, at least for me.
21:36
Second thing with the the emotional, it's feeling supported by your partner.
21:40
Saying just compliment, you know, that you're you're how wonderful you are in bed or how it's
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not a specific compliment, but just really just validating the man in bed that he's a good a
21:53
great lover.
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That's really what from a woman's perspective.
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That is
21:57
And so are you saying like that can help man last longer?
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I would say yes.
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Be should less anxiety.
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Because if you're feeling if a man is feeling anxious, gotta perform, or it it the frame is
22:10
just to enjoy the enjoy the the space.
22:15
And maybe it's maybe it sucks.
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Maybe it's not.
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Maybe we're just really just creating a space to just, like, be accepted.
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Like, kinda turn off that anxiety for men.
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And that will be, I think, huge for that.
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And and the mental thing that just it I would say part of it is for the women to it's kind of
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what's this?
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It's kind of the same thing validating, but also don't get stuck in a thought loop that you
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are not good in that because it's like a self fulfilling prophecy.
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Right?
22:53
Every every guy wants to perform.
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Same for women.
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Women have their own two insecurities.
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And if you can focus shift the focus less on yourself and more onto the for the man, more
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onto the woman, what her needs are, what her wants are.
23:07
You can listen you can listen.
23:08
You can see how she moves, and that would be a that would I suspect that we go a long way
23:14
towards helping men last longer.
23:19
Yeah.
23:19
And I'll even add on to that also with some of what techniques I use that I know you've given
23:27
me the the feedback that they've been helpful, which is, you know, which is like, oh, like
23:33
like, it's so easy being in tune in with your partner to be like, oh, he's getting close.
23:38
Right?
23:38
So I will relax more when and so I will actually make an attempt to stop squeezing so
23:45
much, to stop moving so much, to relax.
23:48
So he's not only relaxing, but I'm also relaxing.
23:52
And sometimes we're sitting there and, you know, pausing and looking to each other's eyes
23:55
and just, like, holding each other and those sorts of things.
23:58
So there's this element around, like, we're both kinda relaxing, and I'm using my muscles
24:03
of my pelvic floor to support that.
24:05
And I think, you know, that's one of the things as women too where doing your vibrator training
24:11
and doing your your Kegel training, but, the Kegel training that's correct is not really
24:17
just about tightening.
24:18
A lot of times women can't control their muscles very well because their muscles are
24:23
overtight, and some of the muscles are too tight, some of them are too relaxed.
24:27
But the overtight muscles are oftentimes creating a lot of the problem.
24:31
And so we wanna not only practice on strengthening these muscles, but practice
24:36
practice relaxing these muscles as well.
24:40
There's a great product on my website for this too.
24:43
If you go to my website and go to the product page, you'll find something called the cooch
24:47
ball and discount codes for a lot of the things you see on that webpage.
24:52
And that that ball is designed to help to retrain your pelvic muscles so that they can
24:57
relax.
24:57
It can be used for both women and men.
24:59
But the point is is that when we use stuff like that, we're actually retraining our muscles so
25:05
that when we, like, we make love with a man, then we're able to control it more.
25:10
Right?
25:10
We're able to squeeze when you need to squeeze, to relax when you don't want him to ejaculate,
25:16
those sorts of things.
25:17
So it's almost like like there is a lot that he is doing.
25:20
You know, I think the majority of of him not orgasming those moments is on him.
25:25
However, I mean, I bet there's probably 15 to 20% of, like, what I'm doing that would be
25:30
influencing that.
25:31
Is that do you think that's true?
25:33
I would say yes.
25:34
A 100%.
25:35
Women do have an influence.
25:37
I mean, I would say it's a 15 it depends on the day.
25:40
Sometimes it's 20%.
25:42
Sometimes it's like, oh, shit.
25:43
A 100%.
25:45
Like, a 100%, like like, my control.
25:47
You're doing, it doesn't matter.
25:48
I mean, it's a 100%.
25:49
Everything you're doing, I mean, it's it's Yeah.
25:50
Everything anything you're doing, it's very rare that the 100%.
25:54
But, yeah, in general, pandemic, the relaxed state, I would say, 20%.
25:59
Another thing I would I'd throw out there is to changing position where it can really help to
26:04
kinda, like, shift, like, shift the brain off and change it up to a a position that you might
26:11
feel less stimulated or or she might feel more more stimulated just to kinda, like, just to
26:17
kinda throw in that in the mix.
26:18
So
26:19
Amazing.
26:20
Yeah.
26:20
Any other advice you have for everybody or thoughts on this topic?
26:25
Have fun.
26:26
I mean, just embrace your partner in the moment and know yours know yourself, your body, and
26:31
just really just just life is short.
26:34
Just, you know, find good people and then create space for fun.
26:41
Well, thank you, my love.
26:42
Thank you for being here again.
26:43
Thank you everybody for listening to another episode of the lounge.
26:47
Please let us know what you think about boyfriend edition.
26:49
We'll bring Mike back for another another adventure at some point, and please let me know
26:54
if you have questions, comments, things that you think in these editions you would like us
26:58
to talk about and cover, I would love, love, love to hear from you.
27:02
Also remember, right now, for a limited time, for love month, you can get the code to get 30%
27:10
off the jump start.
27:11
This code will expire on the February 17, so it is not going on for the whole month.
27:16
So definitely make sure you take advantage of that.
27:19
Get your discount code in the show notes, and we will see you all real soon on another
27:24
episode of the lounge.
27:25
Ciao for now.
27:29
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
27:31
Please don't keep me a secret.
27:33
Please share this with your friends.
27:35
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.